Category Archives: Abuse

Ted’s Story: A Band of Brothers

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Ted’s story is hard to even start the telling. His story is a call to the church to be the church.

The brokenness of leadership in his denomination is so overwhelming that you begin to wonder if there is any real church left. Jesus’ church is redeemed and beautiful to Him, yet she so often acts as if she would have nothing to do with Him.

Jesus surely loves His bride, but at times I find that surprising.

Ted’s Story

It began several years ago when a committee was formed in Ted’s denomination’s regional leadership to investigate charges of sexual harassment against one of the pastors.

The committee, that acts a bit like a Grand Jury in the regional grouping of churches, presented a one-page summation of their investigation. They said they found no reason to move towards a trial as there were no strong reasons to suggest the pastor was guilty.

Ted found it strange that the summation said there was no guilt, but the committee provided “pastoral corrections” in the summation due to his “sexual misconduct.” He thought, “If there is no guilt, why would there be corrections to be made in his ministry?”

Ted and others asked for the full report—which was four pages long—but were refused. However, they discovered there had been one woman who acted as an “advisor” to the committee and she had published a “minority opinion.”

That sounded suspicious.

Ted began to speak with others, including women who were connected in some way to the case. In time, he determined he should stand up and be counted, filing a complaint with the regional leadership seeking justice for the women (multiple) who had reported the sexual misconduct.

In addition, he found that there had been multiple reports of impropriety against the pastor for at least five years before.

At this point, he told his wife, Rebecca that three things were going to happen:

  • There was going to be a huge move to exonerate the pastor.
  • He would be accused of having an affair with one of the women the pastor sexually harrassed.
  • It would all end with Ted being charged with something.

The Pastor’s Power Play

Ted’s complaint was refused and so he took it to the “supreme court” of his denomination for a ruling. That “court” upheld his complaint and ordered that a new investigative committee be appointed by the regional leadership.

However, a group of pastors suggested that an independent organization be hired by the regional leadership to investigate the charges. If they followed through, Ted would need to drop his charges against the pastor. He willingly did so that the independent investigators would have a free hand.

However, the regional leadership allowed the acccused pastor to speak at length and he convinced the leadership that the independent organization recommended was untrustworthy. His reason? He argued that they would support the victims.

He suggested that the regional leadership investigate and if they found guilt, then hire the independent group.

The pastor then convinced the leadership to appoint an investigative committee that had two lawyers on it. Then proceeded to convince them to put two lawyers on the committee whom he thought he had wrangled into his camp over the preceeding months.

In the end, his nearly hand-chosen committee found him guilty. But his personal lawyer, from one of the biggest law firms in the state, sought and obtained an immediate cease and desist order from the civil courts and stopped the process.

Contumacy

Men in the regional leadership then suggested bringing the pastor up on charges for his refusal to heed the ruling of the committee called “contumacy” (stubborn refusal to obey or comply with authority). In the rulebook of the denomination it states that a pastor who is found to be guilty of contumacy by the denominational “courts” must repent or be excommunicated.

The pastor wrote a letter that he was amending his lawsuit against parties in the denomination but that he was “not admitting guilt.” Ted stood before the leadership and asked if this was not a clear sign he was unrepentant.

Others rose to suggest that “repentance does not always involve admitting to sin.”

Really?

Ted was livid and suggested that the regional leadership organization be disolved and that their group of churches be melded into another regional grouping of churches because he said, “We will never, ever conduct a fair trial.” He wondered what the use of their regional leadership was if they could not judge fairly.

In the end, the highest court heard the case against the pastor and found him not guilty.

One of the parties involved in the case remarked, “This is a coverup and meant to send a message to the denomination that you never challenge a pastor.”

Band of Brothers

Ted shared with me the story of Mark, a pastor who had incredible influence in the regional leadership. He described him as one of the biggest narcissists he has ever seen. Twenty to thirty people have told him Mark was spiritually abusive.

When another pastor was brought up on charges Mark stood to support him, calling it an “injustice.” Ted was talking to him a year later and asked him about the pastor he had supported. Mark said the accused pastor was one of the worst pastors he had seen. He was “super legalistic, bad with people . . . Mark went on and on,” Ted said.

Ted asked, “Why did you fight his firing?”

Mark told him, “He is a pastor. We can’t allow elders in the churches to rule.”

But, Ted pressed, “He was abusive.” Mark replied, “Oh, I don’t doubt that at all. But we have to protect the regional leadership of pastors. It is a ‘band of brothers,'” referring to the movie by that name.

Ted told me he can point to at least four other cases of charges brought against pastors where the reaction was always to defend the pastor “even when indefensible.”

What Can We Say?

Ted said he has been re-reading “To Kill a Mockingbird” and is finding that someone who seeks justice in his denomination for those under pastoral abuse experience something akin to African Americans in the 50s.

It begins to look like Jesus before the Sanhedrin where the highest Jewish court repeatedly broke their own rules due to their own bias and blindness. Finding an innocent Jesus guilty; while drowning in His blood.

Or the leaders of Israel during the time of Ezekiel when the Lord calls them to account for their wicked leadership:

The weak you have not strengthened, the sick you have not healed, the injured you have not bound up, the strayed you have not brought back, the lost you have not sought, and with force and harshness you have ruled them. So they were scattered, because there was no shepherd, and they became food for all the wild beasts. My sheep were scattered. . . Ezekiel 34:4-5 (ESV)

The sheep are scattering. Much like Aaron’s warning.

When the leadership of God’s people reject His unmistakeable teaching to humbly serve His children, there will be unmeasurable harm done to the Church.

Ted’s story should be a clarion call to church leadership:

Repent or suffer the fate that you so desperately are trying to stave off—the scattering of God’s people.

How in the World

I asked Ted how in the world he has stood strong in the midst of all the attacks he has faced.

Ted noted that all three of the predictions he made to Rebecca have proven true.

  • As noted above, there was a huge movement to protect the erring pastor.
  • Ted was indeed accused of having an affair with one of the women who came forward to report the pastor’s sexual misconduct—even though Ted has only actually see her and the other women who reported maybe five times.
  • And charges have been filed against him in the church courts that he is currently battling.

Ted told me he has found solace and strength in three things:

  • Ted said his wife has been amazing. She has been his support and encouragement all along.
  • He enjoys a cohort of other pastors and Ted said they “have been rock solid friends through it all.” They have helped him write complaints, checked in on him periodically, and prayed with him often.
  • He sought out a Christian counselor. At one particular point the counselor suggested two things:
    1. Find an EMDR counselor as soon as possible. Ted said, “That has been huge.” This type of treatment for trauma has been incredibly helpful to many victims of abuse. See Bessel van der Kolk’s book here.
    2. And surprisingly the counselor suggested he find a Brazilian jiu jitsu gym. Ted said, “It was the greatest thing I have done.” He was amazed that the others in the club were so supportive of each other. He noted, “When there is a new guy, the advanced one’s job is to help him by submitting to him in the wrestling, showing him how to win.” He added, “If you try to hurt others, you will be kicked out of the gym immediately.”

I really was amazed by Ted’s mental and spiritual health despite all he has gone through.

Quite frankly, I cannot imagine being where he is if I had suffered all he has to advocate for victims of such horrendous leadership.

Jeanie’s Story: Shepherding Abuse Survivors Takes Wisdom

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It wasn’t long after the honeymoon that Jeanie began suffering from her husband Richard’s lack of care for his family and she suffered for nearly thirteen years from sexual abuse in their bedroom.

Richard, for the full length of their nearly 20 year marriage, refused to help with either childrearing or household needs. Over the years, Jeanie said she began to only ask for help when it was something she was unable to do. Then, in time, she began asking friends and neighbors when it was too hard for her because he would rarely respond to her requests at all.

Basically, my husband’s duty around the house became little more than to go to his regular job and bring home a paycheck and if I relied on him for more than that, it was overwhelming to him and anxiety producing for me.

Jeanie

She accounted for Richard’s bedroom manner—and her response—to teaching in the church that created an unhealthy sexual relationship. She said they both believed that the husband’s “sexual satisfaction” was primary and her needs were of no real consequence.

This view is not uncommon and comes from a misinterpretation of 1 Corinthians:

The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

1 Corinthians 7:3-5

1 Corinthians 7 is often misunderstood as explaining that the wife must give the husband sexual pleasure whenever he wants it. But, that is not what it says.

If you understand it within the context of mutual love and submission that is taught throughout Scripture, choices in the bedroom—like in every area of life as a family—should be made selflessly. That includes the husband whose desires may be driven by his own selfish desires with no interest in serving his wife’s—who may or may not have the “drive” he has.

Note how Paul makes it very clear that both spouses have authority over the other’s body. It is not one-sided and the husband has just as much responsibility to respond to the wife’s desires as she to his. 

After so many years of neglect and abuse, Jeanie said, “I began to struggle heavily with guilt, anxiety, insomnia, migraines and memory loss.” She had sought over the years to “win him without a word” but her “lived experience was that was completely ineffective.”

1 Peter 3:1 is helpful in some marital situations: It specifically speaks to marriage to an unbelieving husband. But it is not helpful in cases of abuse. An abusive husband does not have the humility to see the evil of their actions—he will justify and shift the blame. A wife’s humble submission simply means he has control and can do anything he wants with her.

The marriage had been so traumatizing to her, she knew she needed to get help and possibly a divorce.

Richard had refused counseling over and over and so she had gone by herself. He was not interested in making changes for the good of the marriage.

Elder Failures

Jeanie sought out the help of friends and her pastors’ wives. Their advice was consistently that she just give Richard more sex.

Jeanie had joined a support group and described hers and Richard’s sexual encounters. “The trauma counselor and other group members immediately began telling me I had been sexually abused.” She was beginning to understand that Richard’s forcing of sex was abusive and she was not willing to allow that.

She finally reached out to the Senior Pastor, Andy. The board of elders and pastors were going to discuss their “case” and she wrote to Andy explaining,

I, a woman who has been sexually traumatized, will be discussed by a room full of men, many of whom I do not or barely know, and they will consider the most intimate and hurtful events of my life, so that they can judge whether or not I have a right to be free from that. And what if they decide I don’t? Worse, what if they decide Richard is the one with grounds? Then I am being told that my needs don’t matter and that my feelings are illegitimate. I know that is not your intention, but it is sadly what my broken heart will hear, and I will feel violated all over again.

Jeanie

One elder contacted Richard—a common approach to marital difficulties but a horrible response in cases of abuse if the victim has not given permission—and was both manipulated by Richard and caused a ramping up of Richard’s abusive behavior at home.

Jeanie encouraged the elders to get training in abuse because, though they showed some compassion and kindness to start with, their handling of her years of suffering was wholly inadequate. However, they did not see the need.

Strange Response

The elders, instead of seeking to understand abuse and respond in ways that would be helpful and shepherding instead disciplined Jeanie.

After meeting, the elders told Jeanie that she should refrain from taking Communion and step down from her position on the music worship team for six months. There was nothing written down, it was not explained, and after about five months the restrictions were raised with no explanation of what had been accomplished.

As Jeanie and I talked, it became evident that the elders’ actions amounted to “disciplining” Jeanie and yet nothing was ever done to bring accountability to Richard. At some point one elder told Jeanie that they had sought to “disciple” —meet to train and encourage—Richard, but he never completed the assignments given to him.

He was not interested in caring for his family or Jeanie . . . only getting what he could in the bedroom.

But Jeanie was told she was the sinner by the elder board’s actions—she needed to refrain from the means of grace in the church (communion) and stop using her gifts for the edification of the body.

Jeanie told me, “I am probably seen as a trouble maker. They think I went off the deep end and divorced my husband. They criticized me for having a crisis of faith and I wouldn’t have if they had not done the things they did.”

Divorce

Secondly, the board of elders believed they needed to investigate and determine the legitimacy of her seeking a divorce. She was warned that if they did not approve of it, she would be unable to marry again—at least in that church.

The perspective that the elders have this kind of power is not an uncommon view in many denominations. However, there are some biblical questions in regards to this view.

In 1 Timothy 5 there are extended instructions for Timothy, a young elder in Ephesus. Here Paul gives Timothy directions for both the elders and congregation in relation to elders. At no point does he suggest that the elders are called to rule in such a way as to bind the consciences of congregant members.

There is a distinct emphasis in New Testament eldership on teaching and Gospel proclamation. It emphasizes careful teaching that does not go beyond the clarity of the Word. The elders are responsible to be good and gracious shepherds, not authoritarian, power-hungry rulers.

  • The congregation in Antioch sent financial aid to the Judean elders (because of a famine that was foretold) by the hands of the Apostles (Acts 11:29-30)
  • In Acts 15, the elders and Apostles in Jerusalem debated the issue of circumcision for new Gentile believers. They sent a letter saying, “Abstain from what has been sacrificed to idols, and from blood, and from what has been strangled, and from sexual immorality.” (Acts 15:28-29) This was a very careful and limited response that pulled back from legalistic proclamations.
  • The Apostles went from city to city to provide instructions to the congregations. (Acts 16:4)
  • Paul tells the Ephesian elders: “Pay careful attention to yourselves and to all the flock, in which the Holy Spirit has made you overseers, to care for the church of God, which he obtained with his own blood.” (Acts 20:27-28)
  • After giving the personal qualifications for an elder, Paul says to Titus, “He must hold firm to the trustworthy word as taught, so that he may be able to give instruction in sound doctrine and also to rebuke those who contradict it.” (Titus 1:9) Note “sound doctrine”, not legalistic control.

In Jeanie’s case, the elders, who refused to learn about the dynamics of the sin of abuse, overstepped their calling in Scripture by “disciplining” Jeanie and failed by omission to call Richard to living the Gospel in his marriage and family.

A Proposal

I understand the perspective that Jeanie’s elders have. I am part of a similar elder board.

However, just as an elder board should, without hesitation, provide “permission” —in the form of teaching and individual direction—for the offended spouse to divorce in the case of adultery without laying shame upon the victim in anyway for taking that step, so should they give that permission in the cases of desertion (1 Cor. 7:15).

Considering the instructions in the case law of the Old Testament (Ex. 21:10-11), the victim in an abusive marriage should be given every bit of leeway for physical and emotional provision. Our Lord despises oppressive behavior of any sort and elder boards must be found by the Lord on the side of oppressed.

In addition, it is helpful for an elder board to remember that their congregation is indwelled by the Holy Spirit and that as the elders instruct, they must rely upon the Holy Spirit to teach and convince their hearers of truth—in humility recognizing they could be wrong in their application of Scripture. The binding of a congregant’s conscience is a very serious thing. Laying undue burdens on the sheep was the practice of the Pharisees—who are roundly condemned by Jesus—and for which modern day cults are notorious (Luke 11:46).

Recommendations

After seeing cases like Jeanie’s over and over, I would make the following recommendations to elder boards and church leadership:

  • Get trained in responding to abuse. There are a number of organizations who can provide this training including Refuge Ministries of North America—see the organization’s website in Resources.
  • Receive the complaint of an abusive marriage, believing the victim.
    • Recognize that investigating abuse can be dangerous to the victim—the offender may become more abusive and dangerous as he is challenged.
    • And abusive individuals are often very manipulative and can confuse investigators and completely fool them.
  • Help the complainant understand the Scripture’s teaching on divorce—allowed for adultery (Matt. 5:32) and desertion (1 Cor. 7:15—in principle when a spouse neglects his family or is abusive).
  • Give support and permission to the reporting victim for his or her decision regarding seeking a divorce.

I do not consider these absolutes, but elder boards often are black and white in their thinking and shepherding practices whereas Scripture is not. Shepherding is difficult and takes a significant amount of wisdom.

If you are a leader in the church, please consider seeking training to be a safe place for those who are vulnerable and oppressed.

The Slide Into Toxic Leadership 1: The Story of Jeroboam, King of Israel

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There were two leaders responsible for the split of Israel and Judah in the Old Testament recounted for us in 1st Kings and 2nd Chronicles. Both leaders are good examples of bad leadership.

I have said it before: I have hopes when I write these blogs that those who are on the edge of leading abusively—or are maybe even over the edge—will read and hear words that the LORD uses to turn their hearts. Even when I am writing directly to the victims of toxic leadership, I hope leaders will develop some empathy and seek to reform their own ways.

Jeroboam and Rehoboam led the nation of Israel into two camps—and geographic localities. Ten of the twelve tribes followed Jeroboam and made up Israel in the north (Samaria) while two tribes followed Rehoboam and were in the south including Jerusalem, the city of David.

Jeroboam, the Providential Hero

The kingdom of Israel was Rehoboam’s birthright as he was Solomon’s son and rightful heir. However, Solomon’s sin and foolish leadership at the end of his reign brought a partial judgment of God on the nation resulting in the LORD putting Jeroboam in leadership of the northern tribes—he was not in the promised line of David.

In ways, Jeroboam is a bit of a hero to begin with. When Solomon was having work done in Jerusalem, Scripture says, “The man Jeroboam was very able, and when Solomon saw that the young man was industrious he gave him charge over all the forced labor of the house of Joseph (1 Kings 11:28).”

It is a positive introduction to this future leader of (some of) God’s people.

Jeroboam was taken aside by a prophet (Ahijah the Shilonite) and told,

And I will take you, and you shall reign over all that your soul desires, and you shall be king over Israel. And if you will listen to all that I command you, and will walk in my ways, and do what is right in my eyes by keeping my statutes and my commandments, as David my servant did, I will be with you and will build you a sure house, as I built for David, and I will give Israel to you.

1 Kings 11:37-38 (ESV)

A wonderful promise to Jeroboam: “Follow me and I will be with you.”

On the other hand, Rehoboam does not start well in the south. Scripture tells us he answered “harshly” the request of the people that he not lead like his father did (1 Kings 12:16-24). Thus, the split in Israel and Jeroboam’s opportunity to lead a good portion of the nation in the way of the good kings.

Jeroboam, the Toxic Leader

But Jeroboam instead took the path of toxic leadership: self-protectionism.

As he began to establish his reign, he built an important city in the hill country named Shechem and then the city Penuel in addition. Shechem was the location where Abram built an altar to God because He appeared to him (Genesis 12:7). It was a place of promise and worship.

However, in the intervening years, the LORD had established Jerusalem as his place of rule and His temple was also there. The LORD put it there for His worship and sacrifices—sacrifices were not allowed by God anywhere but in the Jerusalem Temple.

Unfortunately, Jeroboam became fearful that the ten tribes he was leading would go on their annual pilgrimage to sacrifice in the Jerusalem Temple never to return. Maybe Jerusalem would just be too enticing for them.

He even feared his life, thinking, “People will turn again to their lord, to Rehoboam king of Judah, and they will kill me and return to Rehoboam king of Judah (1 Kings 12:27).”

Like the Berlin wall, Jeroboam set up a spiritual / psychological wall of demarcation by providing alternative places of worship and sacrifice in Shechem to keep the Israelites captivated with Samaria.

So Jeroboam became a toxic leader.

Seeing the Toxicity

He mimicked Temple worship with the addition of providing golden calves—idols—to the mix and telling the people, “Behold your gods, O Israel, who brought you up out of the land of Egypt. (1 Kings 12:28)” He provided similar festivals to those God had given the people, giving the Samaritans new traditions tied to the old.

We then see Jeroboam’s slide into toxic leadership in is his response to criticism for his idolatry and rebellion against the LORD. As he made sacrifices—something he was not allowed to do as king—a prophet from Judah in the south challenged him. Jeroboam became angry and commanded that the guards take the prophet.

However, the LORD struck Jeroboam with leprosy and he cried out to be healed by the prophet which the LORD graciously did.

What Are Those Toxic Traits?

Toxic leadership almost always involves a heightened sense of anxiety at the loss of leadership and the adoration of others resulting in defensiveness and blame-shifting when confronted.

Often a leader will respond to criticism seemingly well to begin with, but over time—sometimes only hours—he will begin to create justifications and point to others to take the blame.

A good way to determine if your leader is toxic is to give him the “Response Test.” Kindly, graciously, and humbly challenge your leader. How does he or she respond? Keep in mind that many people will respond immediately with justifications or defensiveness. However, if they are toxic, they will keep it up and possibly even retaliate against you, isolate you from others in the organization, or simply ignore you.

If they are not toxic, they will come around. They may not agree with you, but they will consider your claim and express some form of appreciation for it.

Toxic Followers

Unfortunately, when the leader shifts the blame in response, instead of allowing the blame to remain on the leader, some followers—in the interest of pleasing their powerful leader—will take the blame themselves or soften the effects of the foolish behavior of the leader.

Middle-management is notorious for this complicity.

They may feel—rightly—that keeping their jobs or status within the organization requires providing a buffer between the subordinates and the toxic boss. It can almost be a badge of honor for them to seek to mediate between their boss and their employees. It feels “above the fray,” “mature,” and even may give a sense of power to middle managers.

But in the end, it always collapses. There really is no softening or mediating toxic leadership.

So, Jeroboam’s rule collapsed. In 2 Chronicles 13:20 it says:

Jeroboam did not recover his power in the days of Abijah. And the LORD struck him down, and he died.

It ended with his battle against Judah. Whereas, Judah sought the LORD, Jeroboam had slid into toxic leadership, worshipping those who were not God.

When a Leader Turns Toxic: Asa King of Judah

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I never tire of nor do I ever run short of biblical material for the study of abusive leadership.

I say that because of the number of people out there who don’t think of abuse as of any importance. They don’t believe that the Bible speaks to abuse. They think that all sin is basically the same and should be handled much the same way.

I recognize that most people reading my blog are those who do actually see it in scripture and want to understand it better from a biblical view. But I still have hopes that there are those out there who will come across some of these writings and come to realize that they have shorted God’s Word by failing to see abuse deliniated in its pages.

And in response, become caring and empathetic in their approach to survivers of abusive leadership.

Asa, King of Judah

I often turn to the kings of Judah and Israel for my material. The history of the kings is found in the two books of Kings and two books of Chronicles in the Bible. These summary stories of the kings does not hold back on the good and bad of these kings.

There was a king who ruled in Judah around the ninth century B.C. whose name was Asa. His story is told in 2 Chronicles chapters 14 through 16. His particular story is a good warning for leaders. If you are a leader in any capacity, please consider Asa. As a friend of mine likes to say, “Everyone is good for something . . . even if it is as a bad example.”

There are those leaders who are simply bad. They are toxic to their core and they reap destruction in the workplace.

But, there are leaders who begin well and end badly. We can take a birdseye view of the span of their ministry and sorrowfully recount their failings.

It is said of Asa,

And Asa did what was good and right in the eyes of the LORD his God. 3 He took away the foreign altars and the high places and broke down the pillars and cut down the Asherim 4 and commanded Judah to seek the LORD, the God of their fathers, and to keep the law and the commandment.

2 Chronicles 14:2-4 (ESV)

It was a good start to his reign in Judah. There is so much promise in those two verses. Scripture notes in the next verse that “the kingdom had rest under him.” There was peace, clearly as a result of his good leadership.

Then War

As an example of Asa’s good and godly leadership, the story is told of when an Ethiopian ruler attacked Judah. Asa led his army out against Zerah the Ethiopian and the writer of Chronicles recounts Asa’s prayer:

“O LORD, there is none like you to help, between the mighty and the weak. Help us, O LORD our God, for we rely on you, and in your name we have come against this multitude. O LORD, you are our God; let not man prevail against you.”

2 Chronicles 14:11

It is a beautiful prayer. It is an expression of Asa’s dependence on the LORD and recognition that his life is in service to God and not his own comforts or power.

Scripture tells us that as a result, the LORD “defeated the Ethiopians before Asa and before Judah, and the Ethiopians fled.”

Spiritual Leadership

The passage goes on to deliniate Asa’s spiritual leadership in Judah. Following his victory on the battlefield, a prophet approaches Asa and tells him, “The LORD is with you while you are with him. If you seek him, he will be found by you, but if you forsake him, he will forsake you.”

Leaders, this is your call. As the LORD called Asa to seek Him always, so the LORD calls you to seek Him always. And the promise is sure that if you seek the LORD, He will be evident to you (“found by you”).

Again, there are encouraging words of Asa. He immediately made more spiritual reforms in Judah to show all the people they needed to rely on the LORD not on idols.

Relying on Other

But well into Asa’s reign—33 years—he turned to someone other than the LORD to protect him against an invading army. After all that has been said about it, it is a jarring change of storyline.

Scripture says,

At that time Hanani the seer came to Asa king of Judah and said to him, “Because you relied on the king of Syria, and did not rely on the LORD your God, the army of the king of Syria has escaped you. 8 Were not the Ethiopians and the Libyans a huge army with very many chariots and horsemen? Yet because you relied on the LORD, he gave them into your hand. 9 For the eyes of the LORD run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to give strong support to those whose heart is blameless toward him. You have done foolishly in this, for from now on you will have wars.”

2 Chronicles 16:7-9

It was a crushing blow to Asa. In one sentence the fall of Asa is described: “Then Asa was angry with the seer and put him in the stocks in prison, for he was in a rage with him because of this. And Asa inflicted cruelties upon some of the people at the same time.”

Asa is angry (indignent in Hebrew) and raging (storming in Hebrew). His actions towards the seer, who is bringing an opportunity to repent and seek forgiveness in humility, is rather rebellion and anger. Asa belies a toxic heart.

And that toxic heart would give way to physical decline. Three years later he got a disease in his feet and died.

It is such a disappointing end to his reign. A man who clearly loved the LORD and sought him ended his leadership in disgrace and the oppression of others over whom he had power.

Have you seen this in your own leader? Have you seen it in yourself?

You may be becoming enthralled with your image. You may be leading some people who have strong opinions—and share them readily—and feel intimidated by them. You may feel you must show how much smarter and stronger you are and you may be using sarcasm and put downs to show them.

Turn to the LORD instead.

Remember, “If you seek him, he will be found by you, but if you forsake him, he will forsake you.”

Saul’s False Apology: Seeking Repentance from an Abuser

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Recently, a survivor of domestic violence shared an apology letter her abuser had written to her. It sounded pretty good.

But, as most who have dealt with an abuser, she was not taken in by the carefully chosen sweet words.

In 1st Samuel 26 we see a false apology by King Saul.

Then Saul said, “I have sinned. Return, my son David, for I will no more do you harm, because my life was precious in your eyes this day. Behold, I have acted foolishly, and have made a great mistake.”

1 Samuel 26:21

Saul had been chasing David seeking to kill him. In this passage, David has snuck up on King Saul, giving David the opportunity to end the chase by killing Saul. But rather than killing Saul, he gave him opportunity to repent of his evil.

Saul seems deeply moved by David’s grace and admits he acted foolishly.

Sounds good, but it is a much harder thing to say, “I envied you, David. I had hatred in my heart for you. I desired your death.”

Each of the italicized words are heart words. They are the spring from which grow the evil fruit we all produce. These come from the heart; and what I mean by heart is the whole of the inner man—cognitive and emotive.

But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person. For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander.

Matthew 15:18-19 (ESV)

Out of the depths of man come the evil we act upon.

So, when an apology is made for actions that have crushed others, it is appropriate for the apology to give attention to from where that evil action came. “I was chasing you, David because I was envious and hateful.”

“I was harsh with my Assistant Pastor because I envied his skills.”

The Difficulty of Real Apologies

The reason we don’t hear real apologies is because it is very hard to give them.

To bring our inner evil to light just takes too much humility and self-awareness. Imagine an abusive leader whose entitlement and power is so much of their substance and identity; how can they humbly admit to such wickedness?

It is difficult for the average Joe. Just imagine how difficult it is for the one who is so unwilling to dive deeply into his own heart and air out the stench contained there.

It is interesting, as you read on in 1st Samuel; David is not taken in by Saul’s apology. The text goes on to record David’s thoughts:

“Now I shall perish one day by the hand of Saul. There is nothing better for me than that I should escape to the land of the Philistines.”

1 Samuel 27:1

There is more than one place where David shows his insight to Saul’s wickedness. I wrote earlier about how Jonathan—Saul’s son—was taken in by Saul’s apologies. But David is not.

What Are We to Do?

There is One Who is omniscient—the Lord God Almighty. He knows the heart—the whole inner being of man—and He knows whether or not an apology is truly from the heart.

Because of that, we must not make judgments beyond what is clearly evident. Though we make judgments of the heart on a regular basis—our laws are in part based on them (1st degree murder as opposed to manslaughter) —it is something we must do carefully and with good evidence in hand. Yes, we can logically assume when someone does great evil, that since great evil comes out of the heart, there is great evil intended.

Yet, because there can be unintended evil actions and therefore, not coming from evil intent, we cannot ultimately be perfect judges of inner character. We are not omniscient and do not fully see the inner man.

Give it Time

Therefore I recommend the following perspectives to those who have received apologies from their toxic leader:

  1. It might be true,
  2. or it might be false,
  3. we are not omniscient,
  4. so it does not change anything,
  5. and to know the answer to 1) or 2) it takes time for the fruit of repentance to be evident.

Numbers one, two, and three are obvious; it is only God who knows the heart and so we cannot ultimately—in this life—know if an apology is truly true or not. Though Scripture makes clear that Christians may make some judgments based on the outward works of others (Matt. 12:33-37), it also makes clear we must be very, very careful doing so (Jam. 4:12).

We must not claim omniscience.

So, an apology initially does not really change anything.

We do not know for certain that the abusive individual is truly confessing his sin or simply trying to manipulate his victims, those to whom they are accountable, and/or onlookers. So, we must continue to press forward with what we believe the LORD is calling us to do in the meantime.

Leaders should not be placed back on their platform until their apparent repentance becomes true repentance. That takes time; so give it time.

Because we do not know the heart of the abuser, and we have suffered great harm, it is acting responsibly to be wary of their confession. It is certainly reasonable to accept it as given, while unnecessary to proclaim they have repented and place ourselves under their control prematurally.

Get to a safe place, and give it time for the fruit of repentance to be evident—or not.

Fret Not for Vindication: Be Still and Wait Patiently

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Those of us who have faced abusive leadership in the home or workplace know the ever-present desire for validation and vindication. We want others to stand beside us, seeing our hurt, and for the abusive individual to be judged—in either God’s court or human courts.

Like the writers of many of the psalms in Scripture, we can go a long time waiting for either of these outcomes.

King David knew the hatred of men. He spoke of a close friend whose

speech was smooth as butter,
yet war was in his heart;
his words were softer than oil,
yet they were drawn swords.

Psalms 55:21 (ESV)

That one who was intimate with him—he shared in “sweet counsel” with him—was deceptive and hateful.

I am sure that David wanted immediate wrath. He wanted justice done. And yet, he wrote a psalm that pushes pause.

Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way,
over the man who carries out evil devices!
8 Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath!
Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil.
9 For the evildoers shall be cut off,
but those who wait for the LORD shall inherit the land.

Psalms 37:7-9 (ESV)1

Be still.

Fret not.

Refrain from anger.

Wait for the LORD.

It is evident in the psalm that the victim of the wicked will have his day. “. . . there is a future for the man of peace.” But, “transgressors shall be altogether destroyed; the future of the wicked shall be cut off.”

Vindication will come, but now is a time of patience and stillness. We are called to refrain from the debilitating curse of stewing in anger and trust the LORD, who will judge with righteousness.

Not an Easy Task

But of course, saying it does not make it so.

Whoever wrote Psalm 119 knew this:

How long must your servant endure?
When will you judge those who persecute me?

Psalms 119:84 (ESV)

How long? When?

There is no need to beat yourself up over the feelings of hurt, distrust, and impatience. God’s people have from time past suffered the same feelings of dispair. Some of that hurt is encapsalated in God’s Word as an example to us.

Where to Turn

The same writer of Psalms 119 tells us in every verse (except one) that we turn to His Word—in New Testament fulfillment, Jesus—for the healing of those hurts and the patience to endure.

My soul melts away for sorrow;
strengthen me according to your word!

Psalms 119:28 (ESV)

I am melting. But I am God’s child. I am blessed with all the heavenly blessings (Eph. 1:3).

Though I do not feel it at the moment, I know it to be true because Jesus told me so. I can rest in His promise, though I cannot see ten feet in front of me.

Even though the board of directors ignores my plea to bring accountability to the CEO. Even though the church elders do not see the abuse the pastor is heaping upon his flock. Even though the judge fails to take into account the damage my husband has been inflicting upon my soul.

Jesus loves His little children . . . and His justice will prevail.

Be still.

Fret not.

Wait on the LORD.

For the evildoers shall be cut off, but those who wait for the LORD shall inherit the land.

NOTES

  1. For those of you interested in further study in Psalm 37, this is a very good article on the Hebrew of Psalm 37 passed on by a friend of Pearls and Swine: https://tyndalehouse.com/explore/articles/reading-the-psalms-in-hebrew/ ↩︎

What if a Leader were to Boast in Weaknesses?

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Have you ever seen a leader boast in his weaknesses?

First of all, in his job interview he shared all the amazing leadership qualities he possesses and all the victories on the field of organizational management he attained.

And second, all those followers must be given confidence in his acuity and wisdom.

So, what if a leader boasted in his weaknesses?

The Apostle Paul, one of the greatest leaders of the world-wide Christian church said,

Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

2 Cor 12:7-9

Paul filled a significant amount of the New Testament with his writing . . . but he never had a press secretary or agent.

We live in a marketing-rich environment. The purveyors of product hype bludgeon us with their images and words through every form of communication—and there are many forms of communication nowadays.

It is taken for granted that even within Christianity, founded upon the testimonies of people like Paul, to reach a world lost in sin our churches and Christian organizations must boast rather in our strengths; our programs, our giving, our service to our communities; it is church-growth 101.

But what if our leaders boasted in their weakness?

Well, then I guess Christ’s strength would rest on them.

Maybe it would show that we are a broken and needy people and that Christ is our Savior in all ways.

It could possibly show that we depend on the One Who created us in His image.

And maybe, in so doing, our LORD would take care of the rest.

Humility

I have written often about humility (here, here, and here). Humility is a key ingredient to good leadership and noticeably lacking in toxic leadership. Humility is necessary if we are to “boast in our weakness.”

In my years of research, interviews, and experience, it is humility that is the game-changer every time. I hear sufferers of toxic leadership use the term or synonyms all the time. It is the difference between a good leader and a bad leader. It is the difference between a toxic leader and a godly leader.

Quite frankly, it is the difference between a pleasant person and a rotten person.

Christopher Hutchinson wrote,

“I believe humility to be at the very heart of Christian faith and even to be the best paradigm of all proper thought regarding God, oneself, and others.”1

Amy Edmondson argues that humility is not something that comes easily for those who are in high positions.2 When looking down on subordinates, receiving their praise and accolades, even the humblest can begin to believe his own press. Christian leadership requires an attitude and action of a servant on behalf of those who are subordinate. Leaders must go beyond their own comfort and needs, setting aside the world’s motivations of ego, money, and pride, as Maxwell notes.3

But “lording it over” others, as Jesus says, is a basic temptation for Christian leaders (Matt. 20:25) as it is for anyone else. Edmondson says, “It can be hard for people to muster both the humility and the genuine curiosity that is needed to really learn from others.”4 It is humility that makes it possible for us to learn, and this is foundational to the work of a team whether on the sports field, in the rehearsal hall, secular corporation, or Christian ministry.

So, what if a leader boasted in his or her weaknesses? What if they gathered up the humility to proclaim their weakness and their need for Jesus Christ? Rather than continually defending themselves and blaming others, our leaders admitted failure and sought forgiveness and reconciliation?

Maybe, “Christ’s strength would rest on” them.

References

  1. Christopher Hutchinson, Rediscovering Humility: Why the Way Up Is Down (Kindle: New Growth Press, 2018), loc. 280. ↩︎
  2. Amy C. Edmondson, Teaming: How Organizations Learn, Innovate, and Compete in the Knowledge Economy, 1st  edition (San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass, 2012), 62. ↩︎
  3. John C. Maxwell, “Reflections on Challenge the Process,” pp. 71–84 in Christian Reflections on The Leadership Challenge, edited by James M. Kouzes and Barry Z. Posner, 1st edition (San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass, 2006), 72. ↩︎
  4. Amy C. Edmondson, Teaming: How Organizations Learn, Innovate, and Compete in the Knowledge Economy, 1st  edition (San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass, 2012), 62. ↩︎

Job’s Counselors: The Misuse of Spiritual Influence

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For many the book of Job in the Bible is a pandora’s box of interpretive difficulty.

If you are a black-and-white thinker, it is difficult to read, I imagine.

But Job is a very good place to go to understand more clearly how the counseling of victims of abuse in the home, workplace, or church has gone seriously wrong.

It is helpful to know the beginning and the end before wading into the middle.

In the story of Job—who was horribly tried by Satan at the approval of the LORD—moans in the agony of having lost all his children, his means of income, and is suffering terrible physical ailments.

In the end, his friends are called to account for their poor—sinful—counsel of Job.

So, now we wade into the middle. Because of Job’s suffering, his spiritual counselors are laying one guilt trip after another on him.

In their black-and-white thinking, they believe God blesses those who live righteously and curses those who break His laws. Because Job—who had been richly blessed prior to Satan’s destruction—is suffering horribly, his counselors think he must be cursed by God and therefore he must be living in sin.

Trial = Sin

This is not unfounded in Scripture and why some in their black-and-white beliefs grab and go with it in their thinking and counseling.

In Deuteronomy 28, Moses lays before God’s people the blessings for obedience and curses for disobedience.

For those who obey the LORD:

Blessed shall you be in the city, and blessed shall you be in the field. 4 Blessed shall be the fruit of your womb and the fruit of your ground and the fruit of your cattle, the increase of your herds and the young of your flock. 5 Blessed shall be your basket and your kneading bowl. 6 Blessed shall you be when you come in, and blessed shall you be when you go out . . . etc.
Deuteronomy 28:3-6 (ESV)

For those who disobey:

Cursed shall you be in the city, and cursed shall you be in the field. 17 Cursed shall be your basket and your kneading bowl . . . etc.
Deuteronomy 28:16-17 (ESV)

It Isn’t So Clear

I use the terms “black-and-white” in a negative way, because when it comes to blessings and curses, Scripture is not as clear on this topic as Deuteronomy 28 would lead you to believe.

It is indeed true that those who reject the LORD in unbelief and arrogance are cursed. But that curse may largely be seen in the judgment they face at the end of life for their rejection of their Creator, not in the middle. This idea is apparent in the story of Lazarus and the rich man (Luke 16:19f) and in multiple places in the Proverbs.

Jesus tells a parable in Luke 16 about the rich man and Lazarus:

“There was a rich man who was clothed in purple and fine linen and who feasted sumptuously every day. 20 And at his gate was laid a poor man named Lazarus, covered with sores, 21 who desired to be fed with what fell from the rich man’s table. Moreover, even the dogs came and licked his sores. 22 The poor man died and was carried by the angels to Abraham’s side. The rich man also died and was buried, 23 and in Hades, being in torment, he lifted up his eyes and saw Abraham far off and Lazarus at his side.”

Luke 16:19-23 (ESV)

Notice that the rich man, who rejected his God, lived a life of sumptuous feasting every day. On the other hand, Lazarus was a poor man. Yet, the rich man ends up in Hell and Lazarus in Heaven.

We see in Proverbs:

Better is a poor man who walks in his integrity
than a rich man who is crooked in his ways.
Proverbs 28:6 (ESV)

Deuteronomy would lead us to believe—if we don’t look anywhere else—that the “poor” —therefore the suffering—is walking in sin rather than “integrity,” yet Proverbs 28 suggests that it is the “rich man” who is “crooked” —living in sin. How did he get “blessed” if he was disobedient?

But that is the flow of Scripture. There are proverbial statements that in this life are generally true, but the end of the story is where it all leads. The wicked, unbelieving rich man will end up in torment when his life is ended, but torment will possibly only be when that end of life judgment comes.

And conversely, the poor—unblessed in the world’s eyes—will face many trials in this life but in his faithfulness to the LORD be blessed abundently in the judgment. His poverty is not necessarily because of disobedience as we consider the whole of Scripture.

This brings me to Job’s counselors.

Worm Theology

At one point, Bildad, one of Job’s “friends” who was counseling him when he in torment, explained to Job that in his sin, man is a “maggot” or a “worm.”

4 How then can man be in the right before God?
How can he who is born of woman be pure?
5 Behold, even the moon is not bright,
and the stars are not pure in his eyes;
6 how much less man, who is a maggot,
and the son of man, who is a worm!”
Job 25:4-6

In the sense that we are deeply depraved as sinful human beings, wandering about in rebellion and foolishness, Bildad was right. Some complain about “worm theology” but there is biblical truth in it when considering our deep brokenness. Romans 3:9-13 confirms this understanding of man’s depravity.

However, Job’s counselors—not just Bildad—came at Job from a Deuteronomy 28 theology, not a full-on-biblical theology of suffering. This is how many counselors of abuse victims approach those victims. They look for the “fault” in the victim that brought the horrible treatment. They seek to “help” the victim see their own sin and turn from it. They can’t believe a Christian leader could be so sinful as to lie, manipulate, and intentionally crush those under their care.

Abuse is Never the Fault of the Abused

However, these judgments are beyond the purview of biblical counseling.

First of all, abuse victims are never at fault. If the counselor understands the roots of abuse, they will understand that victims never bring it on, but rather the abuser will simply abuse because it is in his heart.

In addition, there are professing Christians who are very depraved and cause incredible destruction.

They will coerce and control in order to fulfill their entitlement in this life. Often they get away with it like the rich man who got his wealth through evil. It seems like they can’t lose, especially to the victim as she sits helplessly by watching the abusive leader convince the board, friends, and stakeholders that he is the good guy in this scenario.

When you receive reports of abuse from a friend, co-worker, or congregant member listen carefully. Stay clear of Christian platitudes like, “You need to give grace. We are all worms and he needs grace just like you do.”

Abuse is not normal relational conflict between husband and wife, boss and subordinate, pastor and deacon, or teacher and student. The conflict is in the heart of the abuser. And never because of the victim’s sin.

Zechariah and Toxic Christian Leadership

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Recently, I was having one of those imaginary discussions. You know, the conversations where your anger ramps up against whom you had a disagreement—though they are not present to actually fight back?

One of the things I stated to my imaginary combatant was, “You are going to tell me that you are doubting the LORD of heaven and earth, Who created you, and could crush you with His pinky?”

All people, everywhere, at all times have been tempted to distrust the LORD—often many times per day. That distrust of God in essence is what drives our trust in ourselves. We, in practice, believe that we can make better decisions, control situations better, and get the job done better than the LORD, even if we would never admit that.

How could we ever presume to be so powerful. There is one God and he can crush us with His pinky.

So too the Israelite leaders—priests and kings and counselors—thought they knew better than the LORD when Zechariah spoke around 500 B.C.

But Zechariah pummeled the Israelite leadership with these words:

“My [God’s] anger is hot against the shepherds,
and I will punish the leaders;
for the LORD of hosts cares for his flock, the house of Judah,
and will make them like his majestic steed in battle.
4 From him shall come the cornerstone,
from him the tent peg,
from him the battle bow,
from him every ruler—all of them together.
5 They shall be like mighty men in battle,
trampling the foe in the mud of the streets;
they shall fight because the LORD is with them,
and they shall put to shame the riders on horses.”

Zechariah 10:3-5 (ESV)

God is angry at the leaders of His people.

So much so, He promises to punish them. This is a common theme among the “minor prophets” of the Old Testament. Prophets like Zechariah were continually calling God’s people to repentance for their evil, often for the way the leaders (more powerful) oppressed the vulnerable (the weaker). The leaders are held to a higher standard throughout Scripture.

How does Zechariah say God will punish these wicked leaders?

He is going to raise up the followers—the house of Judah—to overwhelm the leaders. The humble will overcome the great. The arrogance of the wicked leaders will be judged.

Symbolic Implements of Destruction

Zechariah notes the symbolic implements of destruction as the means by which these subordinates would bring judgment upon the leaders:

  • From him shall come the cornerstone,
  • from him the tent peg,
  • from him the battle bow

Though we see the LORD raise up other nations to drag these leaders into exile, the ultimate fulfillment is found 500 years later through the raising of Jesus—born in the house of Judah—from the dead.

Some commentaries suggest the CORNERSTONE to be symbolic of a ruler or prince. Ultimately, we know that the LORD raised up Jesus Christ to be the true Israelite cornerstone—ruler and prince—and exemplify the leader who brings restoration and healing to the downtrodden Israelites.

However, He does so by also judging the evil of man’s out of control leadership which Israel was experiencing at the time of Zechariah.

Zechariah says the TENT PEG will be brought forth by the LORD. Most suggest this refers to the symbolic purpose of the tent peg:

The allusion is either to a nail, by which the timber in the building is compacted together, and the whole is strengthened, as the church is by Christ: or to a nail to which the cords of tents are fastened, as those of shepherds, travellers, or soldiers; the church is as such a tent . . .

Gill’s Exposition of the Entire Bible

Jesus, the Cornerstone will bring the nation together against these wicked leaders.

However, there may be another interpretation: The allusion may be to Judges 4:21 where Jael, “the wife of Heber took a tent peg, and took a hammer in her hand. Then she went softly to him and drove the peg into his temple until it went down into the ground while he was lying fast asleep from weariness. So he died.”

A wicked king in Canaan, Sisera, was subdued by a “tent-dwelling woman.” So, too it will be a lowly carpenter’s Son [Jesus] who will drive the nail destroying wicked leadership of God’s people (Rev. 20:11f).

And the final implement of war and destruction—of overcoming wicked leadership—is the bow; used as our drones are today to bring down enemies at a distance.

My imaginary conversation came around to the LORD Who can crush me with His little finger. Leaders, in the home or workplace or church, who think they are so powerful to control and suck the life out of their subjects need beware:

The Cornerstone, nail, and bow of the LORD will ultimately destroy those who have been raised up to lead and who have used that privilage and responsibility to oppress God’s people instead of serving them.

Zechariah calls for repentance as all the minor prophets do. Will wicked leaders heed the warning? Will they turn from their wicked leadership before the LORD crushes them with His pinky?

The Sin of [Bystander] Complicity: Toxic Followership in the Workplace

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There are two kinds of complicity in cases of abuse in the workplace or home: The one who gets it but refuses to stand by the victim and the one who refuses to get it and goes along to get along.

Both are wicked because they both have the same effect; they allow a great evil that the LORD continually condemns in His Word.

The Old Testament law was given to lead Israel to love God and neighbor effectively. In Leviticus we have laws that relate to making sacrifice for sins. Through those horribly bloody killings of animals, the Israelites were directed to the fact that their sin brings death . . . and the LORD provided a means for that death to be on something else.

The incredible holiness of God and the brokenness of God’s people were ever on display through those sacrifices.

In Leviticus 5 there is one verse that gives us a hint at the evil perpetrated by those who refuse to testify to the wickedness of another who sins. Often we give all sorts of leeway to bystanders, but the LORD does not. We need to be humbly challenged by His Word:

“If anyone sins in that he hears a public adjuration to testify, and though he is a witness, whether he has seen or come to know the matter, yet does not speak, he shall bear his iniquity . . .”

Leviticus 5:1 (ESV)

“Adjuration” is just a fancy word for a call. It is a sin if you see abusive behavior—which always destroys others—and do not seek accountability for the offending party. You are not free from sin though you did not do the abusive deed. You are doing all you can to allow the evil to continue and God calls this sin.

The Workplace Bullying Institute has done some excellent work since 1997 including the frequent surveying of American businesses and employees regarding toxic workplaces. In their 2021 survey, I found a particular statement fascinating:

The final group to discuss is the one that baffles us most. These are respondents who claim no experience with workplace bullying and do not profess to have an opinion about it. They do not care. We surmise that this 34% of Americans deny its existence. They are the fellow workers likely to turn away when asked to help. Similarly, they are the most likely to blame targeted individuals for their fate. 

Gary Namie, “2021 WBI U.S. Workplace Bullying Survey,” Workplace Bullying Institute (blog), February 24, 2021, http://workplacebullying.org/2021-wbi-survey/.

34% of Americans “turn away when asked to help” when their coworkers or subordinates are being battered by others in the workplace. They are complicit to the evil according to Leviticus 5.

What might interest you further is that the largest group in this particular category of complicit workers also happens to be the most conservative. And you can take that a step further noting that Evangelicals will largely be in that group.

This despite the Word of God teaching that it is sin to stand by while someone is being abused and supporting the abuser rather than the victim. And yet, these people they think they get a free pass.

How can that be?

It can be because it is hard to stand up, particularly when it is a boss who is oppressing his subordinates. And even harder when it is a spiritual authority—pastor or elder—who is crushing his flock with Christiany-sounding words.

Loss of job, fear of “touching the Lord’s anointed (1 Sam. 26:9),” or losing face with important people in the church or workplace drives our misplaced allegiances.

However, we must be directed by the Word of God and the call to love our neighbor as ourself. Love means to care for the vulnerable in these places of toxicity. It means to stand up for them when we see abusive behavior.

I am an empathetic guy and I understand the fears—I have failed in this over and over. So, this blog is as much for me as it is for anyone else.

But there are people all around you dependent on you to stand for truth and answer the adjuration to testify.