As I read 1st Peter I was struck by how helpful his words should be to those who are abusive or have tendencies to be controlling, manipulative, and entitled. Those who struggle with these attitudes and behaviors need to take Peter’s words to heart.
Though there is much detailed work to be done in the text, I want to primarily get to the big picture of Peter’s first chapter, moving into the second.
Paul and Peter are both great at giving us in their writing, by inspiration of the Holy Spirit, the big, beautiful picture first and then moving into the detail of living for Jesus next. They like to provide the “indicatives” first and “imperatives” next, while returning to the indicatives to re-emphasize our place in God’s world and all He has done for us.
They want us to know who we are first and then what we are to do with that knowledge next.
Imperishable
In verse three Peter begins with a beautiful doxology to God’s kindness to his people—those of us who have trusted in his kindness. He has done the work of saving us. He has given us new birth by the raising of Jesus from the dead.
That will never, ever go away. It is unfading . . . it is “imperishable,” he says.
Peter says, even as we go through difficult times—these Christians were going to or were facing great persecutions according to commentators—we can rejoice knowing Jesus wins!
Time for Action
As we come to 1:13, Peter begins to lay before us the call to action that results from this Good News.
It is time to take action. And ultimately this action takes place in the very depths of our soul. It is not simply outward behavior but a complete change of our inward man—mind and heart.
Here Peter quotes, as others in scripture quote, from Leviticus 11:44: “You shall be holy, for I am holy.”
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Some would take this to be “acting good.” And in fact, this is where the abuser livesand breathes. He puts on an act for his church friends and leadership that he is righteous. But deep down, and for those who are under his authority, he breathes fire and hatred and control.
Peter doesn’t allow for this. Though he begins this passage with what sounds like outward appearances, he doesn’t stay there. He moves forward, digging down deep within our hearts.
22 Having purified your souls by your obedience to the truth for a sincere brotherly love, love one another earnestly from a pure heart . . .
Notice the terms Peter uses: sincere, love, pure heart. Every one of those terms involves the inner man, not simply outward behavior. He has talked about “conducting” ourselves which is decidedly behavioral.
But he doesn’t stop there.
Not An Act
In Greek, sincere means “unfeigned.” It is not an act but what we really desire. We are not handing a cup of water out while thinking to ourselves, “I can’t stand this guy.”
Abusive leaders are almost always acting a part. They desire to look good to the watching world. This is why reporting (whisteblowing) is nearly always difficult and often unproductive. Those who hear the report rarely believe it. What they have seen and heard is that the pastor, manager, CEO, or coordinator is wonderful and has a heart of gold. He is skilled at his job. He radiates goodness.
This is what makes Jesus’ use of the term “white-washed tombs” so apropos. The tomb looks good on the outside with newly painted walls, but inside it is rotting fresh. So too, the toxic leader.
Put Away All Evil
All of this is driving to chapter 2 where Peter says,
So put away all malice and all deceit and hypocrisy and envy and all slander.
1 Peter 2:1
Put away all the evil. If you abuse your authority—authority given by God to be used for his glory and other’s good—it is time to repent. Let’s look at these words Peter uses.
Malice: “Ill-will, desire to injure.” Maybe from jealousy (see below) or competitivesness you are seeking the downfall of someone subordinate or senior. You desire their demise.
Deceit: You are faking it. You don’t really care about those under your care or ministry even though you say you do. You just want to be in control and the top dog. In order to hold your place of prominence or to get ahead you lie and act.
Hypocrisy: “The acting of a stage player.” Closely related to deceit, you are acting one way while your heart is in another place. You maybe even use some outward humility if it gets you some attention for which you deeply long. But inside it is just an act.
Envy: You are not so much concerned about God’s glory but rather your own. When others get some attention, you seek to diminish it rather than encourage it. The narcissist runs on this.
Slander: This is your means of getting all that glory. “The act of damaging the good character of someone.” You tear them down; put them in their place. You explain, “She just isn’t that committed to the organization.” That way you look better and she must be lying about your toxicity.
If these describe your leadership “style,” it’s time to confess that you are a white-washed tomb.
It is time to do the difficult work of self-awareness; to ask the lord to show you how you have taken his good gifts and used them to destroy and hurt others rather than build up (Ephesians 4:11-13).
Unfortunately, the vast majority of toxic leaders will not listen to Peter, Paul, Jesus, or anyone but themselves. But, if any of this rings true to you of your heart, you are on the road to “recovery” having the humility it takes to repent.
Jesus seeks such ones as these to mold into the leaders He desires in His kingdom.
I have heard periodically that the Bible does not include the term, “abuse.”
However, I am not sure from where that idea came. There are a number of places that the translation of Greek, Hebrew, and Aramaic words can be and are accurately understood to mean “abuse.”
In addition, language scholars instruct that it is abuse in much the same way we would define emotional, psychological, and spiritual abuse in our world of toxic leadership.
Matthew narrates the story of Jesus giving a sermon on, what has become known as, the Mount of Beatitudes. There Jesus uses the term rhaká (ῥακά) which means, according to the Theological Dictionary of the New Testmament,1 “blockhead or fool.”
But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire.
Matthew 5:22 (ESV)
According to Kittel, the author of the TDNT, the word comes from the Aramaic term for abuse. He says, “The Aramaic term expresses disparagement accompanied by anger and contempt. Addressed to the foolish, thoughtless, or presumptuous person, it means ‘blockhead,’ and is the most common term of abuse in Jesus’ day.”
Kittel goes on to say that the sins of the tongue are very serious in God’s eyes: they are put on a par with murder.
In addition he says, “In the world of Jesus injury by words is of the utmost seriousness.”
Luke
Luke also records one of Jesus’ sermons in chapter 6 of his book. Here Jesus says,
“But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28 bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you.”
Luke 6:27-28 (ESV)
The Greek term “epēreazō (ἐπηρεάζω)” means in English to “insult, to treat abusively, use despitefully, to revile, in a forensic sense to accuse falsely, and to threaten.”
Proverbs
The wise king Solomon noted,
Drive out a scoffer, and strife will go out, and quarreling and abuse will cease.
Proverbs 22:10 (ESV)
The ESV translates the Hebrew term qâlôn (קָלוֹן) as abuse. That word means “shame, disgrace, dishonour, ignominy” according to Strongs Dictionary.
This is exactly as we understand emotional, psychological, or spiritual abuse.
Paul
Paul, in his second letter to Timothy tells the young pastor,
But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. 2 For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, 4 treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5 having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power.
2 Timothy 3:1-5 (ESV)
When the ESV says “abusive,” it is translating the Greek word, “blasphēmos” (βλάσφημος). You probably recognize the word. When we talk about blaspheming against the Lord, this is the word we are using.
It means, “speaking evil, slanderous, reproachful, railing, abusive.” Very strong terms for words used against others.
Summary
Hopefully you get the idea that indeed, Scripture does use words for abuse and it gives abusive words great weight.
The brother of a friend of ours expressed his frustration with his sister’s difficulty with an abusive husband by saying, “It’s a damn load.” He was put out by the relational damage but not very empathetic for what she was going through. He was only really concerned about the disruption in his own life.
This is what the sinful rebellion of God’s creatures brings about . . . a damn load. Abuse is a horrible sin and it is extraordinarily destructive.
Ronald Pitkin, Theological Dictionary of the New Testament, ed. Gerhard Kittel and Gerhard Friedrich, Abridged edition (W. B. Eerdmans, 2006). ↩︎
What happens down, deep within you when your subordinates, or even friends, begin to praise your holy name?
You are smart. You are skilled. You are important. You help the vulnerable.
Does your heart rise up and meet their praises with praises of its own? Does your heart congratulate itself and take on new proportions?
Being praised and being glad to do a job well, care for people well, or be particularly smart is in no way a bad thing. God is good. He has gifted every one of us with abilities and personalities to suit His important purposes of loving Him and our neighbor well. We are His image-bearers.
We can be praised, be thankful to the Lord for His work, and move on to the next task.
Paul and Barnabas knew what it was to be praised . . . in the extreme. Leaders do well to learn from the Apostles as they, in very godly ways, deflected the praise of man:
Now at Lystra there was a man sitting who could not use his feet. He was crippled from birth and had never walked. 9 He listened to Paul speaking. And Paul, looking intently at him and seeing that he had faith to be made well, 10 said in a loud voice, “Stand upright on your feet.” And he sprang up and began walking.
Acts s 14:8-18 (ESV)
This is a man that was obviously in need. He had “never walked” so there was no “temporary” paralysis about it. Everyone would know that what came after Paul’s command to “stand upright” was miraculous. There was no chance that Paul was a fraud.
God’s Have Come Down
So, how did the people respond? They responded according to their culture and belief system:
11 And when the crowds saw what Paul had done, they lifted up their voices, saying in Lycaonian, “The gods have come down to us in the likeness of men!” 12 Barnabas they called Zeus, and Paul, Hermes, because he was the chief speaker. 13 And the priest of Zeus, whose temple was at the entrance to the city, brought oxen and garlands to the gates and wanted to offer sacrifice with the crowds.
Paul and Barnabas had done something they would expect the mythological gods would do: heal a man who was unhealable by the society’s greatest doctors.
So, they named Paul and Barnabas according to their gods, fitting to their beliefs about those specific god’s jobs. Zeus and Hermes. Or, in Roman parlance, Jupiter and Mercurius.
According to one commentary,
“The main reason for the assignment of the two names was that the listeners recognised in St. Paul the gift of eloquence, which was the special attribute of Hermes . . . there may have been something in the taller stature and more stately presence of Barnabas which impressed them with the sense of a dignity like that of Jupiter.”1
We laugh at Greek Mythology, but they didn’t. It was a very big deal that the people thought Zeus and Hermes had paid them a visit and healed this man who had suffered since birth having no personal means of getting around, working, playing . . .
It was such a big deal that the priests of these mythological gods brought their wares, including oxen, to begin sacrifices to Paul and Barnabas right there in the street.
Turn Away from Little “g” gods
This is where we learn how God’s people, when in positions of influence and leadership and praised mightly for their skills, need to respond:
14 But when the apostles Barnabas and Paul heard of it, they tore their garments and rushed out into the crowd, crying out, 15 “Men, why are you doing these things? We also are men, of like nature with you, and we bring you good news, that you should turn from these vain things to a living God, who made the heaven and the earth and the sea and all that is in them. 16 In past generations he allowed all the nations to walk in their own ways. 17 Yet he did not leave himself without witness, for he did good by giving you rains from heaven and fruitful seasons, satisfying your hearts with food and gladness.” 18 Even with these words they scarcely restrained the people from offering sacrifice to them.
Turn away from your little “g” gods – Jupiter and Mercurius – Paul and Barnabas say. They deflected the higest of praise, and redirected the people to the One true God.
Yes, this is an extreme example, yet taken into our Western context, the idolatry present in the hearts of these people can be found just as evident in our hearts as we lift up leaders in our society. Jean Lipmum-Blumen suggests our idolatry of leaders (from a non-Christian perspective) is based on “Our need for security and certainty, which prompts us to surrender freedom to achieve them.”2
Indeed, the people in the New Testament times turned to that which could give them answers to their lives’ most pressing questions.
As Leaders, How Do We Respond?
For our purposes, I want to turn to Paul and Barnabas. Their response is educational for influencers. You cannot always help the idolatry of those who observe your skills as a leader, but how you respond to their praises, both outwardly and inwardly, tell much about your own idolatry and may help them as well.
There is much riding on a leader’s response. In some cases, it is just a matter of redirecting the praise as it seems in the Apostles’ (Paul and Barnabas) case. But there is more riding on a leader’s response than simply redirecting. Lipmum-Blumen helpfully suggests:
“Our fear of physical death is not the sole cause of our anxiety. In fact, the anxiety we feel in the face of social death may be just as great, possibly greater, than our dread of physical death. Social belonging is a powerful drive for which we are willing to sacrifice much.”3
When a leader redirects praise he or she may be bringing on “social death.” This act of humility may also have the effect of your adoring masses being less enamored with you. What happens if suddenly you are not so worshipped anymore by subordinates? Can you live with that?
It is a risk that Paul and Barnabas knew they must take. They had no right to steal praise from the One true God who rules over His world and is the One true Healer (Psalms 47:6-8). No matter the results of their redirection, they needed to give God the honor.
The redirecting of praise, as an act of humility by leaders, may be in a variety of directions:
To the Lord,
To another leader responsible for the work ultimately,
To a subordinate who had the orginal idea,
To someone outside the organization who gave you the idea or means for completing the task.
The list could go on, I am sure. All of it ultimately resides at the feet of Jesus, but He has likely used other people to bring good and praising (not worshipping) them is good and right.
Heart of the Matter
But, now most importantly, get to the heart of the matter: your heart.
It is not enough ever in the Christian life to focus on “acts of humility”–“Acting” like you are redirecting the praise. Sure it is helpful for destroying the idols of your subordinates.
But, the Lord looks on your heart (1 Samuel 16:7).
Is your heart redirecting the praise? Do you really believe that you gifted yourself? Do you really believe that ultimately your desire, discipline, and self-direction gave you the ability to be great in the eyes of the worshipping subordinates?
Biblically, this is idolatry. It is giving credit to someone other than the Lord for what He does. Consider the following passages (you can read them in the notes below if you are too lazy, like me to look them up):
So, the prescription for us, as we receive adoration, is to consider how the Lord has blessed us and given us even the opportunity to do good, not just the ability.
Allow that . . . in fact, drive it into your heart. Ask the Lord to bring it to mind every time you are tempted to receive and hold onto the praises of man.
NOTES:
Ellicott C. J. 1897. A New Testament Commentary for English Readers. London: Cassell. ↩︎
Lipman-Blumen, Jean. The Allure of Toxic Leaders (p. 29). Oxford University Press. Kindle Edition, 29. ↩︎
Lipman-Blumen, Jean. The Allure of Toxic Leaders (p. 39). Oxford University Press. Kindle Edition, 38. ↩︎
Exodus 31:1-5 (ESV) The LORD said to Moses, 2 “See, I have called by name Bezalel the son of Uri, son of Hur, of the tribe of Judah, 3 and I have filled him with the Spirit of God, with ability and intelligence, with knowledge and all craftsmanship, 4 to devise artistic designs, to work in gold, silver, and bronze, 5 in cutting stones for setting, and in carving wood, to work in every craft. ↩︎
Job 12:7-10 (ESV) “But ask the beasts, and they will teach you; the birds of the heavens, and they will tell you; 8 or the bushes of the earth, and they will teach you; and the fish of the sea will declare to you. 9 Who among all these does not know that the hand of the LORD has done this? 10 In his hand is the life of every living thing and the breath of all mankind. ↩︎
Acts 17:24-25 (ESV) The God who made the world and everything in it, being Lord of heaven and earth, does not live in temples made by man, 25 nor is he served by human hands, as though he needed anything, since he himself gives to all mankind life and breath and everything. ↩︎
Deuteronomy 8:17-18 (NIV) You may say to yourself, “My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me.” 18 But remember the LORD your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your ancestors, as it is today. ↩︎
Jesus miraculously raised his friend named Lazarus from the dead.
Because of that increadible feat, many began to follow Him. And those in power, the chief priests and Pharisees, could not allow their control and authority to slip away.
Jesus had consistently challenged these religious-political leaders of his day. They were abusive leaders, using Scripture and their positions of authority to crush and oppress others rather than as good shepherds (Ezekiel 34).
Their power was slipping with each man, woman, or child who dared follow Jesus, rejecting their false teaching.
So, they had to get rid of the problem. After all they had their image to protect.
Of course, they planned and plotted to destroy Jesus . . . both physically and in carefully worded debates (Luke 20:19-20).
The Tactics
One of the more common tactics for abusive leaders is to destroy, justify, or coverup the evidence of the light that is shown on their abuse.
They sought to kill Lazarus. Destroy the evidence of Jesus’ truth and light and beauty.
“When the large crowd of the Jews learned that Jesus was there, they came, not only on account of him but also to see Lazarus, whom he had raised from the dead. 10 So the chief priests made plans to put Lazarus to death as well, 11 because on account of him many of the Jews were going away and believing in Jesus.”
John 12:9-11 (ESV)
Maybe it is physical evidence that makes them look bad and their victim good that needs to be destroyed? Emails, letters, recordings, or worse yet, witnesses. One missionary told me that his ministry leader rarely communicated on email. When accused of his abusive leadership, it was a “he said, she said” argument. No one had any evidence.
Maybe it is explaining away the evidence? “I didn’t really mean that. I would never have said that. It is out of context.” I watched as one mission director told his subordinate he “would never say such a thing.” The subordinate looked like the crazy one in the conversation.
Or maybe it is finding a way to discredit the evidence by shifting the focus? “He is taking it too personally. She isn’t submissive enough to authority. He has a spirit of division. She just has an attitude problem.” I have been amazed by how often a leadership team has, rather than investigate and consider carefully the reports of abusive leadership, turned on the whisteblower and resorted to name-calling. I was even complicit with a toxic leader at one time, suggesting those who were struggling with the leader were just “hard to get along with.”
Whatever tactic it may be, Lazarus must die that their image remains intact.
DARVO
Common tactics for those who abuse their authority include DARVO. These are effective means for keeping the main thing (report of abuse) NOT the main thing.
It is a hard topic for Christians to wrap their heads around. Interpretations of these prayers for destruction abound.
In this article I am looking at Nehemiah’s imprecatory prayer. The ESV Strong’s Bible translation says in its introduction to the book of Nehemiah:
In 445 B.C. the Persian King Artaxerxes sent Nehemiah, an Israelite who was a trusted official, to help rebuild the walls of Jerusalem. With Nehemiah went the third wave of returning Jewish exiles. There was intense opposition from the other peoples in the land and disunity within Jerusalem. Despite this opposition, Nehemiah led the rebuilding of the walls.
ESV Strongs Bible
That “intense opposition” made many fear for their lives as they worked to rebuild the walls around Jerusalem. Nehemiah, as the leader of the Jews who sought to see the Covenant God had made with His people Israel re-established, gave instructions to the people to take protective measures. “Each of the builders had his sword strapped at his side while he built.” (Nehemiah 4:18)
And so they built. With their weapons handy.
The Imprecatory Prayer of Nehemiah
What was particularly interesting to me is found in chapter 4 of the historical account.
Sanballat, of whom we know very little, was a Horonite (possibly from Samaria). He was apparently the leader of those who opposed the rebuilding of the wall. He and his ilk ridiculed the Jews and sought to stop them.
They shamed and humiliated Nehemiah and the Jews. The language in the text is strikingly similar to how those who are under abusive leadership describe their taunters. Toxic leaders in the home, workplace, and church torment their targets with words that belittle, debase, and humiliate. Often those words are coupled with religious language that creates a greater depth of shame and humiliation in the target (spiritual abuse).
Nehemiah responded in prayer . . . just as he had done before approaching King Artaxerxes to request returning to Jerusalem to build the wall (Nehemiah 1). In his prayer here in chapter 4, Nehemiah expressed his desire that the Jews’ tormentors be destroyed.
Nehemiah prays,
Hear, O our God, for we are despised. Turn back their taunt on their own heads and give them up to be plundered in a land where they are captives. 5 Do not cover their guilt, and let not their sin be blotted out from your sight, for they have provoked you to anger in the presence of the builders.
Nehemiah 4:4-5
No Qualifying
When I normally speak of “imprecatory praying” I give qualifications. Before praying, “Destroy my enemies,” I will pray, “Lord change their heart . . . “
Then I go on with asking the Lord to stop the abusive individual in whatever way the Lord, in His wisdom, wills. I try not to be too specific.
But Nehemiah, in a display of raw emotion, simply asks the Lord to destroy this enemy of God’s people.
Fundamental to his prayer is the understanding that his enemies are enemies of God. Nehemiah was confident of God’s anger at Sanballat. There appears to be no doubt in his mind that Sanballat, and those following him, were evil and that God was opposed to them.
And his prayer is not self-centered. Nehemiah is not praying against someone who simply disagrees with him. He is praying that an enemy of God and one who seeks the destruction of God’s people be stopped.
Dead. In his tracks. No redemption.
That is hard stuff.
But it is the hard stuff from which imprecatory praying grows. Imprecatory prayers are made for those who see no out from the destruction at the hands of evil men. They are the prayers of deeply wounded and hurting people . . . because of the unjust, wicked, and damaging treatment of others.
Forgiveness?
In addition, I want to point out that Nehemiah is not unforgiving as some might think in praying this prayer.
In praying, Nehemiah turns over the judgment upon his (and God’s) enemy, Sanballat to God. This is fundamental to forgiveness. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean there is no judgment. But rather, as some theologians suggest, it is turning over that judgment to the Lord; releasing our own judgment into the hands of God.
Nehemiah prays for God to judge. Afterall, it is God’s place to judge.
It’s Just So Uncomfortable
There are a significant number of imprecatory prayers in Scripture. So often we gloss over them because they make us uncomfortable.
Because we have so often been taught that a good Christian would never ask the Lord to judge someone, we cannot reconcile the imprecatory prayers found throughout the Psalms and here in Nehemiah with that training.
But those who have suffered abuse may not have as much difficulty understanding why they are in Scripture. Imprecatory prayers are actually a balm to those for whom the Lord continually stands up. We have God’s own word that He despises those who oppress others. And these prayers are a means of turning over the judgment we feel is so needed to the Lord Who judges perfectly.
Why should we not join Nehemiah in asking the the Lord to do what He has promised He will do?
The LORD is a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. 10 And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O LORD, have not forsaken those who seek you.
Every time I tell the story of someone’s experience under toxic leadership, I am challenged to be more like Jesus.
Recently I read a blog that was bemoaning what the author said was the “proliferation of what some people have dubbed ‘scandal porn’ . . .”1
His argument? “. . . of course, there are bad pastors, and they should be refused the responsibility of leadership among God’s beloved flock. But has the focus on bad pastors been overdone?“
In his blog, the answer is yes. The author suggested that the world (unbelievers) will “cast as negative a light as possible upon Christian pastors,” but he considers it troubling that Christians would do so.
Biblically speaking, the church is, in fact, called specifically to judge within the ranks according to Paul in 1 Corinthians 5:12-13. It should be God’s people calling to the light the darkness of pastoral abuse.
It is our job.
So, to imply that we leave the criticism for the watching, unbelieving world is contrary to our calling. I would suggest that if we take up the mantle of critically evaluating abusive leadership as a church, the watching world will have nothing to watch but our own humble self-awareness bringing glory to Jesus.
There are Good Pastors
The blogger says there are many good pastors. I agree.
“In 35 years of vocational ministry, I have known very few people who can honestly say that they were bullied or abused by their pastor. Again, their stories are real and heart-breaking. No instance of a bad pastor abusing a church member is tolerable. But given the massive number of churches, pastors, and church members, such cases are not nearly as common as the attention given to them suggests.”
And so, the author says,
“What I am calling for is careful consideration as to whether we have made too much of the bully pastor while irresponsibly neglecting the far more common reality of the bullied and wounded pastor. Has the glut of material dedicated to diagnosing and exposing bad pastors been recklessly unaccompanied and counterweighted by the far less interesting fact that most of us have good pastors?”
I will skip over the unsupportable statement that there are far more bullied and wounded pastors than bullying and wounding pastors. I know of no statistics to support either view, so I see no sense in arguing it. He could be right . . . or not. Who am I to say?
Greater Accountability
In the past seven years, I have interviewed dozens of those who have suffered under toxic leadership in the church or Christian organization. I have talked with dozens more informally. Abusive leadership is not a blip on the radar.
But more importantly than my own experience, we need to allow Scripture to speak. Church leaders are to be held more accountable. There is a reason why there is a focus on bad leaders in social media and blogs. Light must be shown on dark places and in particular on those who lead God’s people.
The Westminster Larger Catechism, written in a time (1600s) that authority was viewed as more important than in our own culture (and therefore more likely abusive authority was given a pass), says this:
Question. 151 What are those aggravations that make some sins more heinous [more wicked] than others? Answer. Sins receive their aggravations 1. From the persons offending: if they be of riper age, greater experience or grace, eminent for profession, gifts, place, office, guides to others, and whose example is likely to be followed by others.
WLC 151 on Aggravations That Make Sins More Heinous
A leader in the Assembly’s analysis is one “whose example is likely to be followed by others.” This is a person of influence.
The answer goes on to list a number of other reasons why a sin is more henious in both content and context. However, the first listed is that of a leader – either in a formal or informal position. When a leader sins, it has more impact on others and is therefore more heinous.
Judged with Greater Strictness
James says, “Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers, for you know that we who teach will be judged with greater strictness (James 3:1).”
Those who are teachers, those who labor in preaching and teaching in our congregations, have incredible influence on those they lead. Despite our “question authority” culture, pastors continue to be held in high esteem and those under their care are most often hesitant to question the authority of the pastor’s words.
This is my experience in all those interviews and discussions. Because they have so much influence, James says they will be “judged with greater strictness.”
On the other hand, according to Scripture (1 Tim. 5:17), church leaders are to be honored. However, Scritpure makes it clear this honor is due as long as they live up to the standards the Lord has given for those who lead.
Church leaders’ words are incredibly important but those words must come from Christian character that is also described in God’s Word (see 1 Timothy 3:1-7 and Titus 1:5-16). In those two places, it is clear that their leadership will be judged more stringently by the Lord than their congregants’ daily lives. And those standards are very high.
Hear what the Lord says about bad pastors – or, I would suggest, any abusive leader of God’s people:
“. . . therefore, you shepherds, hear the word of the LORD: 10 Thus says the Lord GOD, Behold, I am against the shepherds, and I will require my sheep at their hand and put a stop to their feeding the sheep. No longer shall the shepherds feed themselves. I will rescue my sheep from their mouths, that they may not be food for them.“
Ezekiel 34:9-10 (ESV)
The entirety of Ezekiel 34 was God’s judgment upon the shepherds of Israel who were toxic. It is descriptive of shepherds who are harsh, uncaring, and self-serving. The Lord will “rescue” His sheep from them . . . take them away.
Diagnose and Expose
As the author of the blog noted, there are abusive pastors. But he minimizes it with the abuse that others heap upon leaders:
“I have never spoken to a pastor who has not been mistreated, slandered, undermined, or run off by church members, an associate pastor, elders, deacons, or all of the above.”
Did you notice how many of those (who mistreated the pastor) he listed are leaders? Associate pastors? Elders? Deacons? It sounds as though there are many leaders out there who should be held accountable for their abuse of fellow leaders.
The author goes on,
“Has the glut of material dedicated to diagnosing and exposing bad pastors been recklessly unaccompanied and counterweighted by the far less interesting fact that most of us have good pastors?“
I would suggest that it is very important to dedicate ourselves to “diagnosing and exposing bad pastors” because we do not want to mix the wheat with the tares.
The elders in my own church receive a significant amount of encouragement from members, not only during October’s “Pastor Appreciation Month.” But, we must do a good job of identifying bad ones and hold them accountable. Those of us who focus on abusive leadership have no intention of mixing the wheat with the tares; ie. bringing down good pastors with the bad.
I hope that as I write about wicked leadership, telling the stories of those who have suffered under it, the church learns to identify what truly abusive is, and what it is not, so that God’s own judgment on abusive leaders will be realized and congregations saved from evil leadership.
And as a result good leaders will be warned just as Paul tells Timothy in 1 Timothy 5:19-20. I am continually learning from my research where I fail in my own leadership. I hope that good pastors are reading these various blogs and taking steps to stay on the narrow way by God’s grace.
A Critique
The blogger ended his article with a list of actions taken by pastors that we should not confuse with abuse. It is his attempt to help his readers stay clear of a misdiagnosis of toxic leadership.
I would like to evaluate a few of them. All of them have value. But, in most cases, there are qualifying considerations that should not be overlooked and by making these statements the blogger may be giving a pass to what can be abusive practices. As one friend noted, some of these actions can be good things, but they could also easily be weaponized by abusive leaders to harm their congregants.
I will give some, not all, of his bullet-points followed by my analysis. [You can read all of them in his blog noted below]:
Being led is not in itself abuse, but it can be abusive and it cannot be taken for granted that a leader, who suffers from his own sin, will not be abusive simply because he is a leader. If you read on to verses 19 and 20 in 1 Timothy 5 you will note that those who abuse their positions of leadership may be called out before the whole congregation that others may be warned.
But it can be. I have seen multiple cases of authoritarian behaviors by church leaders that were used simply to control and manipulate members who disagreed with them. I have seen multiple women excommunicated for reporting the abuse of their husbands, many of whom were leaders in the church. I have also seen men who reported abusive pastors excommunicated. When leaders act in these ways, they are practicing abusive leadership. If you excommunicate, you better be right and biblical and doing it in love.
Both the Mark and Timothy passages are, in fact, challenges to leaders. In Mark, Jesus is challenging Peter, a leader and Apostle of the early church, (“Get thee behind me Satan”). In Timothy, Paul is telling Timothy to rebuke an elder who persists in sin. It is a passage giving instructions to rebukeabusive leadership. The Titus passage is a good proof text for the author. However, keep in mind, exhortation and rebuke must always be done in love (1 John 4:7).
Being expected to follow leadership is not abuse (Hebrews 13:17).
I have not spoken with any victim of leadership abuse who would disagree with this. But, as those who “watch for your souls, as they that must give account,” their watching better be biblical, just, and loving for they will “give an account” for their leadership attitudes and actions. We do not need to follow ungodly leadership. In fact, we are told to call them out (1 Tim. 5:20). Being expected to follow abusive leadership is abuse.
Being told you need to mature spiritually is not abuse (Hebrews 5:11).
Shepherding takes more than commanding someone to be better. I am not sure that the preacher (writer of Hebrews) would make this kind of bullet-point statement to pastors to let their congregations have it between the eyes. Consider what 1 Peter 5:3 says: “not domineering over those in your charge, but being examples to the flock.” Peter’s charge is that elders should be an example, not simply telling their congregations what’s what.
Being confronted in your sin is not abuse (1 Timothy 5:20)
It can be. This has to be qualified. Spiritual abuse is a pattern (repeated actions) of attempts “to exert power and control over someone using religion, faith, or beliefs.”(PCA DASA Report) Confrontations may be for this purpose and so the motives of the leader need to be considered. Often, shame is a particular tool of an abusive leader. It is not adequate to simply say “being confronted for your sin is not abuse.” It certainly can be.
Being rebuked for holding to errant doctrine is not abuse (Titus 1:9, 13).
“He must hold firm to the trustworthy word as taught, so that he may be able to give instruction in sound doctrine and also to rebuke those who contradict it (Titus 1:9).” Note the beginning of the verse. He better be holding firm to what the Word teaches first and how he rebukes can even, when correcting theology, be abusive. It only takes a cursory reading of the Gospels to see the spiritual abuse of the Pharisees. They said many biblical things, but were abusive. Job’s counselors said many biblical things, but were spiritually abusive.
I would be very careful in the use of this term “expected.” The term can be used abusively in that the Hebrews passage uses more positive terms – ie. “encouraging one another.” Is the leader encouraging his members to love the church, God’s bride, or is he trying to shame them into attending? Many people have been deeply wounded by church leadership and need more than another “strong” voice telling them to return. Jesus speaks kindly to his downtrodden flock and leaders are called to follow his example (John 13). If your members aren’t attending, maybe you need to ask why? Could it be a fulfillment of Ezekiel 34? Has Jesus himself scattered them because of your leadership?
True, as long as they are honorable. No authority of God’s creatures is absolute (Acts 4:19). Only God’s authority is absolute because he is always right. Leaders in God’s church must win this honor as is evident by instructions for picking elders and deacons. Leaders are not made by their position, but rather rise to the position by their maturity. They must be trustworthy if they are to be obeyed.
Discovering that your pastor can, at times, be in a bad mood is not abuse.
This statement is particularly concerning. What does the leader do when he is in a bad mood? How does that impact his ministry? If he is not temperate in his “mood” then he is not called to be a leader of God’s people as evidenced by the qualifications given in Scripture. Does he show the fruit of the Spirit by immediately repenting and making restitution when that bad mood is expressed in anger?
Summary
Identifying abusive leaders is similar to identifying abuse in the home. “Domestic abuse can be defined as a form of oppression in which one spouse controls and dominates the other through a pattern of coercive, controlling, and punishing behaviors (PCA DASA Report Section Two).”
Notice that it is a “pattern,” not one-offs. If a Christian leader acts this way on a regular basis he is not qualified to lead God’s people. We must bring him to the light both that he may be stopped from damaging God’s people and from a poor witness to Christ in the watching world.
And, that others may be warned and learn from his bad example.
I love to hear stories of pastors who are seeking the good of their flock. I love to hear about the compassion and empathy of shepherds who lead like Jesus. It is encouraging to my own growth and perspective on Christ’s church.
But, amidst all the ravages of broken leadership that we are continually hearing about, there are important lessons for all of us who lead. I need to hear those stories. Every time I write one of these blogs or tell someone’s story, I am challenged to be the godly leader Jesus calls me to be.
As a child, my mother grew up with an abusive father. I didn’t know this until I was almost 60 years old.
I had been studying abuse for several years and then we had a talk. The grandfather I knew was my grandmother’s second marriage. He was good, kind, and gentle. He was an absolute dear of a man.
But the father my mother grew up with until she was 16 years old was abusive. Controlling, entitled, and unfit to be a husband and father. He left that year for a job in Canada and didn’t return.
My grandmother proceeded to finish raising her five children without aid, working hard and showing her children a mettle that would forever form them.
My mother, who watched her mother suffer – as she did herself – under the toxic husband and father, would be a resilient and loving person of whom all who knew her spoke praises upon praises. She became a feminist of the kind that recognized women have value. And she had grown up seeing that value undermined at every turn.
My grandmother would go on to be a publicly elected official and serve her community for many years.
My mother became a writer who celebrated the people of her community for many years as a journalist.
Then finally, in her waning years, published a book about an elected official who had gone against the political grain of his community, including Macarthyism, to support the vulnerable.
My mother, who defended me, even when I was indefensible, passed from life in October of 2023. I will miss her deeply but know that she sought to raise her own five children to use their gifting to seek the good of their neighbor as she did.
I pray that I will defend the vulnerable as she did . . . if only half as much.
A Tribute to My Mother:
Our friend and hero Charlotte Dehnert passed away this fall. We want to honor her memory by sharing the brilliant story that inspired the creation of the Bookmarked community. Charlotte was a local author who entered the library with the great news of publishing her book Lester Callaway Hunt: He Put Wyoming’s Bucking Horse On the Map, a Biography. She presented her book to the on-duty librarian, Ami, hopeful for help in getting the word out. Ami saw an opportunity and began to organize around the idea that the literary artists who call Wyoming home deserve to be celebrated. Bookmarked Literary Arts Festival was born so that Charlotte and a state full of hopeful, blossoming Wyoming authors can have a cheering section waiting to welcome any new creation they are ready to share!
Ami Vincent, Director and Founder of the Bookmarked Festival
When Rachel Black was struggling to make sense of her abusive pastor, there was no Christianity Today Mars Hill podcasts and seemingly no books on how an employee in a church is to respond to such disregard.
All she knew was the “hairs on her arms stood up” as she sought to understand her boss.
Rachel was the Administrative Manager of the church, acting as a “Chief Operating Officer” in the secular world’s terminology. Her duties included nearly everything that made ministry possible for the nearly 500 member church. She supervised eight staff members and oversaw facilities, technology, purchasing, and human resources.
It began with a simple lack of acknowledgement that struck her as “off”. The slight seemed unusual for a pastor and a boss. Rachel dismissed her concern and told herself, “Who did I think I was needing recognition?”
But it ended up just being a “signal” of what was to come.
The newly hired pastor seemed to make it a point to ignore her in staff meetings, never asking her input, though the men on staff were given great consideration. It took nearly 30 weeks (staff meetings happening every week) before Rachel was acknowledged by the new pastor.
Yet, Rachel was expected to be on call seemingly 24/7, often being asked to respond to fabricated emergencies during inopportune times like the dinner hour. On the other hand male leaders such as the Associate Pastor were explicitly given agency to ignore work matters if desired and not to expect work communications while they were off the clock.
Happy Place
Prior to Pastor Jack’s hiring as Senior Pastor, the former pastor and Rachel joked about the church being run by Team Raul and Team Black. No longer. Rachel said it became Pyramid Jack, noting the ministry was “him at top . . . everyone else in positions under his thumb.”
Prior to the Pastor Jack’s tenure, Rachal considered her church her “happy place.”
“I was there six days a week . . . then I wondered why it wasn’t my happy place anymore.”
Then news of Ravi Zacharias’ toxic leadership came out. As Rachel read the reports she was struck by the similarities to her experiences under Pastor Jack.
She explained, “I did more research. I didn’t want to jump to conclusions.” She began asking, “What is bullying?” all the while seeing “the patterns of power on which it turned.”
Are Women a Problem?
Rachel told me of an experience of going to bat for a woman volunteer who had been writing the bible studies for a paid Youth Leader.
The Youth Leader had been using the studies and making public claims that they were his own work.
Knowing that the matter hadn’t been dealt with by the Associate Pastor, she met privately with Pastor Jack to tell him what was going on. The dismissiveness gave Rachel the sense that if you “advocate for a woman, you were in trouble.”
No Complaints
There had been no complaints about Rachel’s work, yet after about 30 days, tasks for which she had normally been responsible for were being “siphoned off” by Pastor Jack.
One particular project suddenly was halted and so Rachel went to talk to one of the elders in the church who had experience in HR. She was confused and stressed out and wanted to understand what was happening in her relationship to Pastor Jack.
The elder listened to Rachel but ultimately she said,
“He pushed back in ways that if I was more savvy I would have realized that he was not going to support me, but run interference with his beloved pastor.”
The elder went straight to Pastor Jack.
Another elder did much the same thing. Rachel trusted these men to whom the pastor should have been accountable for his horrific treatment of an employee. Rachel was concerned about “gossiping.” She said, “I told [these two elders] first before anyone else . . . I know gossip is not a good thing.”
She explained she told the “bare number” of people, only seeking out those who may have had the ability to help bring reconciliation.
Last Legs
The elders met with the pastor a few days afterwards and shared her concerns. Coming out of that meeting the elders suddenly changed their position, feeling that she should have brought her issues to the pastor directly because they believed it was important to model Matthew 18.
Two days later, she received a morning email from Pastor Jack ordering Rachel to come to his office for a private meeting at 9:15 AM.
Rachel’s meeting with Pastor Jack was “45 minutes of him railing” on her. “I have never seen such an emotional person in distress . . . he was seething. Not yelling. He spoke slowly . . . could barely form words.”
According to Rachel, Pastor Jack said, “Do you know what damage you have done? How it makes me look to the elders. I can’t believe a staff member of mine could do this.”
Rachel said when she told Pastor Jack that she was intimidated by things he did, he said, “‘No you weren’t.’ He was remaking my reality.”
Rachel described the conversation as going “round and round.” Finally the pastor said, “Have you told anyone else about this?” She recalled, “There was no correct answer. No, I don’t believe gossip is helpful to reconciliation.”
But she then realized with trepidation he knew that the Rachel problem “could just go away since no one else knew.”
Rachel recalls how deeply traumatic the experience was in both what he said and how he said it.
Ending in Isolation
Two days later, while taking her kids to school, she was once again summoned to his office. Her employment had been ended and an elder was there to tell her the next steps. She was presented with a severance agreement that included a statement on confidentiality, an NDA, and waiver of legal claims.
She said to the elder, “I need to bring it home.” He said, “Yes, you should have your husband read it over.”
Having packed up all her personal things, the elder led her out the front door and walked Rachel to her car. It was just a taste of the coming isolation Rachel would feel.
Dr. Judith Harmon says,
“The response of the community has a powerful influence on the ultimate resolution of the trauma. Restoration of the breach between the traumatized person and the community depends, first, upon public acknowledgment of the traumatic event and, second, upon some form of community action. Once it is publicly recognized that a person has been harmed, the community must take action to assign responsibility for the harm and to repair the injury.“
Judith Herman MD – Trauma and Recovery (p. 104)
In Rachel’s case, the forces of the workplace were mustered against her. Pastor Jack told the staff and elders not to speak to Rachel following her firing.
Rachel sorrowfully said, “There are people who won’t look me in the eye. I haven’t done anything to them. How did they get so brain washed?”
Rachel told me, “I want a lobotomy so I can start over with people in the church.” She loves the people, but following her firing, only a couple reached out to her. The “response of the community” indeed has a powerful influence and she has been deeply hurt by their apparent complicity in the attacks by Pastor Jack.
Some Encouragement
There have been very small pockets of encouragement. She explained that one elder was supportive. One other elder gave Pastor Jack pushback saying it was crazy that an elder couldn’t talk to her.
The elder ended up being booted from the church elder board. According to Rachel, what this elder experienced was even worse than what she had experienced. The treatment of this elder was quite public and he had been at the church for many years.
Another staff member reached out to her saying, “I feel like I’m disobeying Pastor Jack but need to hear your voice.” Again, Rachel explained that this woman and another who texted her were “iced out” by the pastor following their apparent disobedience of him.
The Abuse Ramps Up
Rachel said it “seemed so wrong that they let him get away with the retaliatory actions.” She explained, “I don’t need my job back, but somebody needs to fix this guy.”
So, she called the Clerk of the Elder board, but he wouldn’t call back.
Being apparently “iced out,” Rachel’s next step was to seek accountability at both the church and state levels. It was clear to her the pastor had both broken labor laws and biblical church leadership principles. Her attempts to involve the local denominational leadership resulted in further betrayal as they probed her for details related to the case and secretly shared the information with the pastor so he could control the emerging narrative. What she found was that the regional board protects its own.
Each member with whom she spoke went immediately to Pastor Jack and the board ended up siding with the pastor. She said, “They were way more willing to betray her trust than hurt Pastor Jack.”
After hiring a lawyer, church records including emails and her personnel file were attained. She was deeply grieved that Pastor Jack had all along been “trashing her work or her subordinates.” Emails that were sent back and forth between Pastor Jack and an elder were “very negative and critical.”
She had never heard a thing.
It also became apparent to Rachel that Pastor Jack had never suggested to the elders that she be fired until she had made her complaints about his behavior. The Personnel Committee testified they had never been informed by the pastor that he wanted to take steps to fire her until after she complained.
Rachel sent formal “charges” to the regional board that included 40 witnesses. The board interviewed several “witnesses,” none of whom were on Rachel’s list.
The charges made their way to the denomination’s “supreme court” where a verdict by a three-man sub-committee determined the case “is a human resources matter, and as such, according to the [denomination’s] Constitution, belongs in the civil courts.”
In their ruling conspicuously absent are the mentions of either the pastor’s name or God’s.
Reading it, I had to scratch my head. I even asked a couple individuals if they thought it appropriate for church boards to consider a pastor’s immoral treatment of a staff member a “civil” matter.
Of course, everyone I asked was astounded.
The Fallout
It isn’t over with but civil authorities have found evidence of labor impropriety. The church boards on the other hand have refused to recognize their apparent corruption.
The Clerk of the church board has left the church.
All of the worship team has left.
The people in Rachel’s old Bible Study group have left the church.
One of her sons has switched denominations in disappointment and anger.
Rachel continues to suffer from nightmares. She fears seeing the pastor on the street or in the store. She has been isolated from her community, a community she grew up in and has served for years.
Yet, Rachel has seen “God’s hand from beginning to end.”
She hopes that her pursuing justice tenaciously will provide flags for others in the future. Pastor Jack may not be held accountable now, but she hopes that as leaders look back and see the litter of broken relationships behind the pastor, there will be accountability in the future.
When church leadership fails to act with integrity and justice, there will always be fallout that harms the Name of Christ. Over and over we see God’s people and their children leaving the church.
Depression. Anger. Bitterness.
This is not the way it is supposed to be. And it need not be.
Recently, while attending an abuse conference, I was discussing with another attendee the suffering of those who are having to put on the good face for their mission supporters back home while being tormented by their missionary spouse on the field.
Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for mission leaders to be abusive to spouses, children, and mission subordinates.
We discussed that there are many seemingly insurmountable difficulties in getting free from an abusive spouse. But when that also involves living in a foreign country and being dependent on mission supporters for income, there seems to be another layer of the insurmountable.
Lisa’s story has a happy ending but it meant years and years of torment for her.
Lisa told me that when she was eleven years old, she knew that God was calling her to be a missionary. She had seen an old black-and-white film about African mission work and she immediately knew it was for her.
She spent the years following that childhood dream leading others to Christ and never imagined being married. She would be married to Christ on the mission field.
But then she met Byron who had aborted his university undergraduate degree in order to embark on a seven-year theological studies course. His seeming commitment to Christ and a future as a missionary “touched” her and they were married.
Addictions
What she didn’t know until much later was Byron’s developing addiction to alcohol and later drugs.
He had been working at a vineyard while doing his theological studies and had full access to the wine cellar. It likely started with “just a small sip of free wine” which Lisa imagined he would describe as “the perfect solution to cope with the stress of the high demands he was subjected to, together with his studies.”
In addition, his smoking, which she did know about, drove her crazy. Lisa explained, “He took an oath on the day we got married, he would stop smoking.”
Lisa and Byron went on the African mission field.
The smoking didn’t stop. In fact, Byron began to shame Lisa that she wasn’t doing enough to help him kick the habit. He told her that she had “failed to help him properly” . . . shifting the blame . . . in spite of his vow at their wedding. She did all she could, even attending a group with him to help him stop.
Then as they pursued the Lord’s work on the mission field he began using tranquilizers. She explained to me,
“As head of the missionary outpost he had free access to the medications of the small mission hospital. Although all missionaries could not have any alcohol whatsoever in their homes, I only years later discovered that Byron always asked visitors from afar, to ‘quietly bring me some alcohol from the village – just please, don’t let Lisa see’ and hid it somewhere.”
Byron insisted, according to Lisa, that every afternoon he needed to sleep and he used the drugs to help him forget his difficulties on the mission.
Lisa sought to convince Byron to exercise and eat healthy foods to help with his stress but he responded, “I simply swallow something – that’s much easier, faster and more effective!”
Brain Damaged Wife
Lisa had two brain aneurysms after nearly 30 years of marriage. She suffered through a 15-hour surgery that saved her life. Their congregation had prayed fervently and they considered it a miracle that she pulled through.
Byron, on the other hand, was now angry that his well-trained wife could not do all she had formerly done for him. Initially, Lisa saw everything double and could not remember things of which she always used to remind him.
Lisa said,
“Byron had no sympathy, just anger about what I left undone, and he angrily humiliated me as ‘brain damaged’ and presented himself as the poor husband of the brain damaged wife, eventually starting to beat me.”
The Physical Abuse
Lisa told me that when she said anything about addiction or dependence he would beat and even kick her. She eventually had “three orthopedic operations: a torn biceps in one arm, a torn triceps in the other arm and a torn knee ligament leading to a full knee replacement.”
“He often used his fists on me when we were alone, still presenting himself as the ‘victim of the brain damaged wife’ for his escalating anger and sarcasm.”
She said, “I was a prisoner in my own house. I did not want my children to know.”
But she held out hope that once Byron “understood the danger of the addiction he was gambling with, he would be willing to go for rehab. This, however, never happened.”
Lisa sought out help from counselors for the physical abuse but she was continually advised to just “love him more.” If a therapist said anything else to the couple, Byron would refuse to see him again, claiming they “don’t know what they are talking about.”
She was not realizing that Byron was “completely addicted and not at all interested in rehab.”
Lisa explained,
“As his beatings became more severe, twice a doctor reported physical abuse to the police, who wanted to arrest him. I refused for the sake of my children, and the officer assured me that the case always remains legal and valid and may be presented at any later sign of abuse. He said, ‘And he will be arrested immediately and sleep in the tjoekie – he must learn!'”
This finally put the physical abuse of decades to an end.
The Children
At the young age of 56 Byron was “respectfully requested” to resign from the mission due to the decline in his work because Lisa was unable to prop up his ministry anymore.
Lisa explained to me, “The children sensed the tension and anger in the house.” Byron kept on emphasizing his wife’s ‘brain damage’ as an explanation for the escalating tension in the house.
But, when the children or anyone visited, Lisa said Byron was the “friendly, good-natured father and loving husband.”
But he “immediately turned into a monster once everyone left.”
Others could see, however. Once a professional she confided in told her, “Lisa, I see nothing of Jesus in Byron! He is a total addict!”
The Narcissist
In time, Lisa was able to put a name to the abusive missionary husband. She described him as a “covert narcissist.” She studied the traits of narcissism and realized that he had all of the traits described in the literature.
And there was the physical abuse and the addictions on top of that.
What she learned was that a narcissist is a perfect actor and liar. He was quite “convincing how much he adored his beautiful wife while abusing her behind closed doors.”
“In the end I had to inform my children of the dark truth that their father is a narcissist, of his addiction and his beatings of me, leading to the orthopedic operations that always ‘had other names.’ It was a huge shock for them, and Byron immediately started doing what all narcissists do: He twisted truths and sadly even told outright lies about me to isolate me from my children . . . leaning on the fact that he is their father and they have a bond of blood with him.”
Lisa sadly said that initially he successfully alienated the children from her, isolating her from them to enable him to posess and control the family.
No More Harm
Lisa noted that what we sow, we reap.
Lisa told me,
“I often prayed to God, relying on the assurance from God that He lets ‘all things work together for our good’ (as promised in Romans 8:28). When I started praising Him for that as in Philippians 4:6, I realized that God had actually allowed and then actually used Byron’s addition and resulting illness in my favor . . . to let him reap what he has sown all his life and now helplessly and harmlessly sit on an oxygen machine and in a wheelchair! Praise Him!”
She said, “Byron’s addiction and lifestyle of 60 years finally led to two heart attacks, ending in heart failure, kidney failure, severe emphyzema, eventually requiring him to be on oxygen full time due to less than 25% lung capacity.”
He now lives in a nursing home, moving about in a wheelchair in which he is pushed outside to get a smoke, then returned “urgently to his oxygen afterwards.”
But now, Byron can no longer harm Lisa.
She takes him his medication or cigarettes every eight days or so and if he makes a “sarcastic remark” she takes her leave.
He can no longer harm Lisa.
She exclaimed, “I am free!”
“The very thing that was my cross for so many years – his addiction and his abuse – has now borne fruit for him to set me free.”
Lisa knows that she did all she could to help Byron.
“And now, after more than a year in the nursing home on oxygen, I can in fact slowly start praying for him, releasing him, for my own sanity, as God teaches me. Because, just like the cruel and sarcastic Roman soldiers mockingly nailing the Son of God, Jesus Christ, to the cross, he has no idea whatsoever what he is doing.”
One of the most hideous beliefs crushing abuse survivors within our Christian communities is that the reporting of abusive leadership in the home or workplace is gossip or slander.
It is understandable that the church has strong views of gossip and slander upon the first reading of passages such as Proverbs 11:13, 16:28, and 2nd Corinthians 12:20. In those passages, there are very strong words for those who “whisper” and “slander.”
Both gossip and slander are wicked uses of our tongues.
Throwing in Jesus’ process for dealing with relational conflict (Matthew 18), there has been a concerted effort to keep reports of abuse quiet in the church. In Matthew 18 the Christian is called to keep the knowledge of a brother’s sin to himself until he has confronted that brother and given him a chance to repent.
Only then, may the circle of those in the know begin to widen. We are understandably concerned that a brother or sister’s good name not be destroyed for sins with which we all struggle.
Therefore, survivor’s reports of abuse to others have often been viewed as gossip, and worse, slander by many in the church. Those who have suffered under abuse have been isolated and shamed as they have shared their story seeking help from others who may be in a position to bring them aid.
However, the church’s understanding and teaching on gossip has failed to bring the whole of Scripture into the fray and the church has relied on a simplistic and incomplete exegesis of God’s Word.
The Terms
Gossip: The term gossip in Greek means “to whisper” and “slander.” ψιθυρισμός [psithyrismos] is found in two places in the New Testament – the 2nd Corinthians passage noted above and Romans 1:29.
The Old Testament (Hebrew) version is דִּבָּה [ḏiḇâ] and it means “defaming, evil report, infamy, slander.”
One commentator’s definition:
My way of summarizing the Bible’s teaching on this topic is to say that the sin of gossip is bearing bad news behind someone’s back out of a bad heart.
Theologians are careful to note that gossip can be true or false. Even a true report to others of someone’s evil act can be gossip, but as Mitchell notes, there needs to be evil intent behind the sharing of it (out of a bad heart). The gossip must be seeking some kind of personal satisfaction and seeking to bring another person down unnecessarily.
Slander: The term slander in Greek means “evil report.” δυσφημία [dysphēmia] means “defamation” and “the action of one who uses disgraceful language.” Another term translated slander, βλασφημία [blasphēmia] means “blasphemy, evil speaking, railing.”
Oxford’s Dictionary defines slander as:
the action or crime of making a false spoken statement damaging to a person’s reputation.
Note that at the root of these terms (gossip and slander) is the sense of speaking badly with bad motives of another person and/or trashing someone’s good name without reason (defaming). Slander is more specifically saying something evil about someone that is not true and thereby injuring their “good name.”
The Context
As we consider the biblical context of the use of these terms, you will notice some things that are particularly helpful as we consider abuse.
The term that is translated by some as “gossip” [ḏiḇâ] in the Old Testament is found in a few places, but rarely in that translation.
The only place in the OT that ḏiḇâ is translated “gossip” in the English Standard Version is in Ezekiel 36:3. There, it is the enemies of God’s people who are speaking evil of Jerusalem and God assures them He is going to judge them.
In Numbers 13, the spies have returned from searching out the “Promised Land.” Their description, which was negative despite the land being good and a gift from the Lord, was called a “report,” which is the same word translated “gossip” in Ezekiel 36:3. They spoke evil of that which was good.
In Psalm 31, David is crying out to the Lord because of the abuse he is receiving from his enemies. He says,
For I hear the whispering of many— terror on every side!— as they scheme together against me, as they plot to take my life.
Psalms 31:13 (ESV)
The term, “whispering” is the translation of ḏiḇâ in this passage. These are evil, wicked people seeking King David’s demise.
If we broaden the search of terms in the Old Testament, slander is often used similarily to gossip. It is evident that the context of these terms is speaking evil of those who are without guilt in regards to the slanderer’s claims.
It is lying.
It is hatred.
It is wicked speach.
Do You Get the Idea?
Treating with contempt and shame those who are reporting abuse is missing the point completely.
Defaming an abuser? He has chosen to ruin his name already. Slandering means to call someone evil who is good. That is quite the opposite of what reporting abuse is all about.
Reporting abuse is calling evil that which is evil.
Can you imagine keeping silent while a gunman murdered at will because you didn’t want to damage his name?
The abuser is a liar. The abuser is full of hatred and deception. He is a murderer in his heart as Jesus describes in Matthew 5:21-26. Except, unlike most of us, he is not repentant of his sin and will continually justify and defend himself.
King David once again describes the abuser in Psalm 109:
Be not silent, O God of my praise! 2 For wicked and deceitful mouths are opened against me, speaking against me with lying tongues. 3 They encircle me with words of hate, and attack me without cause. 4 In return for my love they accuse me, but I give myself to prayer. 5 So they reward me evil for good, and hatred for my love.
Psalm 109:1-5 (ESV)
Reporting abuse is calling evil, evil. What is the wrong response to reports of abuse?
Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter!
Isaiah 5:20 (ESV)
Woe to those who would ignore or shame the victim of abuse, calling good (the report) evil and the evil (abuse) good.
Calling out abuse is not giving an abuser a bad name. It is simply naming their name! They are oppressive and evil and according to the rest of God’s Word are supposed to be called out and held accountable (Ps. 109:6, Matt. 18:17).
Before you begin to criticize and shame a victim of abuse as they report to others the evil that has been done to them, please consider the whole of Scripture and instead give them the help and encouragement the Lord wants you to give them.
