Category Archives: Marketing

Image Management: Lying to the World

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One of the clear signs of toxic leadership is image management. Chuck DeGroat shares in his book, “When Narcissism Comes to the Church” what one of his clients said of her husband:

“My husband has told me that he will divorce me and publicly humiliate me if I ever say anything negative about him.”1

Image management in the home.

Even when there isn’t toxic leadership, image management in organizational management can be a temptation for churches and Christian organizations. We all want others to see us in the best light and that gets transferred to our marketing of our church or organization.

Goffman used the terms “impression management” to describe how an “actor strives to present an impression to the audience they will find agreeable.”2 Wade Mullen, in his PhD dissertation runs with Goffman’s ideas and explains how individuals and organizations present an “agreeable” impression of themselves or organization in a falsified way.

As Mullens notes, IM (Image Management) is often used unwittingly. It just comes naturally to us. Some sociologists have argued it is a learned trait and as Christians we can easily argue it is a trait present since the fall of man—if we are talking about the falsified form of IM.

When used to give a false (good) impression of who we are, it is simply a form of lying. Unfortunately, this kind of lying has become standard practice in a society that is money- and marketing-driven.

But again, it should not surprise us. We are sinful people. You can see it in the church that has become wrapped up in the marketing craze with slick media messaging and false advertising.

With that as an introduction, let’s explore how we can identify our natural—fallen—urge to make something pretty that is not. And, specifically, consider how abuse is covered up because it is most certainly NOT pretty.

The Most Common Expressions of IM

I cannot count the number of times I have seen statements like, “It will bring shame to Christ’s name.”

It is common that someone abused by either a leader, friend, or a spouse will desire (rightfully) to make known the abuse in order to bring accountability and repentance. However, a (likely) well-meaning church member or leader makes the above statement to the victim. It is assumed that the airing of dirty laundry is a bad witness to Christ.

There is one simple answer to this belief.

If this is true, the Bible is full of this “bad witness” as God tells the story of man’s failures and His redemptive plan for the ages. Without the airing of the dirty laundry there can be no forgiveness. Therreason there is forgiveness offered is because of our dirty laundry. There can be no redemption without the humble recognition of sin. We would need to read a sterilized version of the Bible if we thought that the presence and proclamation of man’s sins brings shame to Christ.

On the contrary, the humility involved in airing our dirty laundry is actually a positive witness to this redemptive work of Christ (see this for further discussion).

There is a reason God sent His Son. Jesus died in order to take away our sin and as Solomon said, “there is no one who does not sin” (2 Chronicles 6:36-39). Our sin, and particularly grievous sin like abuse of leadership (that affects so many), should be known not only for the seeking of redemption but for two other reasons.

First, it is necessary for sin to be public so that there is accountability for the abuser. He must, if he is to repent, be held accountable for his arrogance and entitlement. And secondly, others need to be warned. This is taught clearly in Scripture in 1st Timothy:

As for those who persist in sin, rebuke them in the presence of all, so that the rest may stand in fear.

1 Timothy 5:20 (ESV)

Paul is speaking about leaders in the church. There is warning for others when a leader has abused his authority and been called on the carpet by others.

An Arrogant Culture

Chuck DeGroat talks of “Grandiose Narcissistic Systems.” DeGroat describes a discussion he had with a friend who had inherited the leadership of a large ministry:

. . . he was alarmed by a collective narrative that went something like this: “The [rival ministry] is doing that, so we must respond by doing this.” He heard key leaders within the organization talk in disparaging ways of the other ministry, he read personal blogs of his staff that mocked other Christians while elevating their own work, and he felt what he described as a “gross arrogance” at staff meetings. He told me that staff-meeting culture felt more like game planning to beat the rival than corporately discerning God’s will for that season of ministry. He said, “It seems as if they’re all in some sort of group trance.”3

Image management develops an arrogant culture within an organization.

I cringe when I hear “there is no one else doing ministry the way we are”. You might be surprised by how often you will hear this kind of arrogance spoken in the halls of ministries.

Ministry leaders, and even followers, convince themselves of this to pump up and validate themselves. There is not a ministry out there that can honestly suggest such a thing. There is someone doing much the same thing somewhere in the world, doing it just as well or better, and has been doing it longer.

It may not be a marketing slogan the organization puts out on social media or even in their brochures but simply what is said to employees to create pride in and loyalty to the organization. But enough of it and the culture will become toxic with arrogance.

These organizations become resistant to challenge and change—after all, if they are the best, then how could there be a problem. In turn, like with the husband at the beginning of this blog, those who happen to say anything negative about the organization will be humiliated by the leaders or by pears within the organization.

Push Back

I encourage the faithful to push back against all such image management. If you hear these things when you are applying to join an organization, run. If you hear it while working for an organization, challenge it. If you read it in the fundraising appeals of your favorite charity, put your checkbook away.

Image Management has no place in the Christian organization.

Notes:

  1. DeGroat, Chuck. When Narcissism Comes to Church: Healing Your Community From Emotional and Spiritual Abuse (p. 92). (Function). Kindle Edition. ↩︎
  2. Wade T. Mullen, “Wade Mullen PhD Dissertation.Pdf,” Google Docs, accessed March 6, 2023, https://drive.google.com/file/d/1rXrd8MYay5Vg5s7JXFx7S91hDTlm1CVX/view?usp=embed_facebook, 4. ↩︎
  3. DeGroat, Chuck. When Narcissism Comes to Church: Healing Your Community From Emotional and Spiritual Abuse (pp. 105-106). (Function). Kindle Edition. ↩︎

The Slide into Toxic Leadership 2: Amaziah, King of Judah

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Amaziah seemed attentive to the LORD as he began his reign as king of Judah 2800 years ago.

When preparing to go to war, he put together an impressive force of power. He hired mercenaries from the northern kingdom, Israel—100,000 of them.

However, a “man of God” came to him and discouraged him from using the mercenaries in the battle. He rather encouraged Amaziah to rely upon the LORD instead of seeking the help of his Israelite mercenaries.

Of course, Amaziah feared losing the money he had promised to the mercenaries. But he was encouraged by the man of God that the LORD would provide for him. Amaziah believed him, paid the cash he promised the mercenaries, and as a result was victorious in battle because he relied on the LORD.

King Amaziah reigned in Judah for 29 years, beating the 20 years that the average king ruled in the southern kingdom.

Scipture tells us “he did what was right in the eyes of the LORD, yet not with a whole heart.”

2 Chronicles 25:2

The Slide

That sensitive heart that was willing to hear criticism, even criticism that would affect his wallet, disappeared however.

Once he had won the battle, Amaziah “brought the gods of the men of Seir and set them up as his gods and worshiped them, making offerings to them.”

Therefore the LORD was angry with Amaziah and sent to him a prophet, who said to him, “Why have you sought the gods of a people who did not deliver their own people from your hand?”

2 Chronicles 25:15

Instead of displaying a heart of love for the LORD, the sensitivity he had when he began his reign, Amaziah interupts a prophet sent by the LORD to challenge him, saying, “Have we made you a royal counselor? Stop! Why should you be struck down?”

So the prophet stopped, but said, “I know that God has determined to destroy you, because you have done this and have not listened to my counsel.”

2 Chronicles 25:16

Beginning Well

Unfortunately, this is so often the heart of man.

Leaders begin well. The LORD has given them vision for the organization they have been tasked with leading. Their motives, though always mixed—for we are never without sin—are that God be glorified in the church, business, or organization and that they serve people. Diane Langberg says,

Many times someone starts out believing they are called by God and instilled with a God-given vision. Somewhere down the road, when the vision has grown, the demands are great, and the pressure is on, the servant becomes obedient to the work and its demands rather than to Christ.

Langberg, Diane. Redeeming Power (p. 149). Baker Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

They begin a mission work in Africa that desires to help people use their gifts to create beauty, good crops, healthy societies, biblical churches, or other fulfillments of the “dominion mandate.” I worked for one of these visionary missionaries.

Or they plant a church that seeks to be engaged with the surrounding culture, giving light and a witness to Christ. They serve their neighborhoods and their churches expand exponentially.

Or they start a ministry helping people build their own home, giving witness to the love of Jesus. The ministry soon covers the globe.

Drinking the Koolaid

But, in time they begin to drink the koolaid of power and self-sufficiency.

Amaziah, after seeing the LORD’s destruction of his enemies in Seir, turned his eye upon his brothers in the north—Israel. He challenged King Joash and the king rebuffed him. Scripture says that the LORD was bringing about the downfall of Amaziah because he had turned from God to himself.

So, Amaziah, in his arrogance goes up against Israel. 2nd Chronicles says,

And Joash king of Israel captured Amaziah king of Judah, the son of Joash, son of Ahaziah, at Beth-shemesh, and brought him to Jerusalem and broke down the wall of Jerusalem for 400 cubits, from the Ephraim Gate to the Corner Gate.

The Israelite king stole all the gold and silver from the Temple and Amaziah’s palace in Jerusalem in addition to taking hostages back to Samaria with him.

Though Amaziah lived another 15 years in Jerusalem, Scripture is silent regarding those years. Those years of his reign are clearly of no consequence.

Amaziah’s slide into toxic leadership left him broken and in the end men within his own government made a conspiracy against him and he ran for the hills. However, they caught up with him and murdered him.

The Failure of Toxic Leadership

This is the way of toxic leadership. When man begins to rely upon himself—maybe on marketing, image control, power, and authority—he begins the slide into a leadership that no one wants. There will be rebellion, financial failure, and possibly a legacy of hatred rather than the glory the leader so desparately desires.

Toxic leadership almost never ends well.

But it is never too late to turn in repentance; to admit to failure. Turn from self to the LORD. Turn to the only One who can be relied upon to run your church, business, or organization.

Your legacy of self-importance is not nearly as important as His glory.

What if a Leader were to Boast in Weaknesses?

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Have you ever seen a leader boast in his weaknesses?

First of all, in his job interview he shared all the amazing leadership qualities he possesses and all the victories on the field of organizational management he attained.

And second, all those followers must be given confidence in his acuity and wisdom.

So, what if a leader boasted in his weaknesses?

The Apostle Paul, one of the greatest leaders of the world-wide Christian church said,

Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

2 Cor 12:7-9

Paul filled a significant amount of the New Testament with his writing . . . but he never had a press secretary or agent.

We live in a marketing-rich environment. The purveyors of product hype bludgeon us with their images and words through every form of communication—and there are many forms of communication nowadays.

It is taken for granted that even within Christianity, founded upon the testimonies of people like Paul, to reach a world lost in sin our churches and Christian organizations must boast rather in our strengths; our programs, our giving, our service to our communities; it is church-growth 101.

But what if our leaders boasted in their weakness?

Well, then I guess Christ’s strength would rest on them.

Maybe it would show that we are a broken and needy people and that Christ is our Savior in all ways.

It could possibly show that we depend on the One Who created us in His image.

And maybe, in so doing, our LORD would take care of the rest.

Humility

I have written often about humility (here, here, and here). Humility is a key ingredient to good leadership and noticeably lacking in toxic leadership. Humility is necessary if we are to “boast in our weakness.”

In my years of research, interviews, and experience, it is humility that is the game-changer every time. I hear sufferers of toxic leadership use the term or synonyms all the time. It is the difference between a good leader and a bad leader. It is the difference between a toxic leader and a godly leader.

Quite frankly, it is the difference between a pleasant person and a rotten person.

Christopher Hutchinson wrote,

“I believe humility to be at the very heart of Christian faith and even to be the best paradigm of all proper thought regarding God, oneself, and others.”1

Amy Edmondson argues that humility is not something that comes easily for those who are in high positions.2 When looking down on subordinates, receiving their praise and accolades, even the humblest can begin to believe his own press. Christian leadership requires an attitude and action of a servant on behalf of those who are subordinate. Leaders must go beyond their own comfort and needs, setting aside the world’s motivations of ego, money, and pride, as Maxwell notes.3

But “lording it over” others, as Jesus says, is a basic temptation for Christian leaders (Matt. 20:25) as it is for anyone else. Edmondson says, “It can be hard for people to muster both the humility and the genuine curiosity that is needed to really learn from others.”4 It is humility that makes it possible for us to learn, and this is foundational to the work of a team whether on the sports field, in the rehearsal hall, secular corporation, or Christian ministry.

So, what if a leader boasted in his or her weaknesses? What if they gathered up the humility to proclaim their weakness and their need for Jesus Christ? Rather than continually defending themselves and blaming others, our leaders admitted failure and sought forgiveness and reconciliation?

Maybe, “Christ’s strength would rest on” them.

References

  1. Christopher Hutchinson, Rediscovering Humility: Why the Way Up Is Down (Kindle: New Growth Press, 2018), loc. 280. ↩︎
  2. Amy C. Edmondson, Teaming: How Organizations Learn, Innovate, and Compete in the Knowledge Economy, 1st  edition (San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass, 2012), 62. ↩︎
  3. John C. Maxwell, “Reflections on Challenge the Process,” pp. 71–84 in Christian Reflections on The Leadership Challenge, edited by James M. Kouzes and Barry Z. Posner, 1st edition (San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass, 2006), 72. ↩︎
  4. Amy C. Edmondson, Teaming: How Organizations Learn, Innovate, and Compete in the Knowledge Economy, 1st  edition (San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass, 2012), 62. ↩︎

Imaging Leadership: When Image is More Important Than Anything

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One of the surest ways to kill an organization is to be driven by image.

One of the surest ways to identify a toxic leader is to find one driven by image.

The Bible is repleat with examples and the modern business and Christian organization world is full of them. It is a huge temptation for any organization that feels more dependent on donor funds than God.

Only in the Christian organization it is spun as “being an example for Christ.”

In other words, truth does not really matter. What really matters is if appearances are kept up for the public. Then Christ is glorified.

And it just so happens, the money flows better that way. Contributions roll in unabated.

But, Jesus never told his people to fake it until you make it. In fact, He most commonly called those who do hypocrites and that was not a positive assessment of their spiritual state (Matthew 6).

Saul and Image

King Saul reigned in Israel approximately 1021–1000 BC. He was their first king, which is a story in itself (not to be discussed here).

At one point he was told by the prophet Samuel to attack Amalek. He did as commanded by the Lord. But, though being told to destroy everyone and everything, Saul spared the king and held onto the best of the sheep and oxen.

Samuel came to Saul having been told by the Lord, “I regret that I have made Saul king, for he has turned back from following me and has not performed my commandments.” (1 Sam. 15:10)

As Samuel confronted him, Saul immediately began shifting the blame to the people. Samuel told him the Lord was stripping him of his kingship. Saul responded,

“I have sinned; yet honor me now before the elders of my people and before Israel, and return with me, that I may bow before the LORD your God.” (1 Samuel 15:30 (ESV))

“I have sinned.” Sounds like he got it right. But listen to those words following.

“Honor me now before the elders of my people and before Israel. . .” His image is of greatest importance here. His confession is only a ploy to please the prophet. His desire for honor far outweighs his relationship with the Lord.

Samuel seems to think so as well.

He tells Saul that he will not return with him and walks away. However, Saul won’t stand for it and grabs the prophet’s robe, tearing it. Samuel in turn uses Saul’s disrespectful action as a metaphor and tells Saul that God is tearing his kingdom away from him just as he tore Samuel’s robe.

And then Samuel returns with Saul and finishes the job Saul was supposed to do.

Outward Appearances

Saul is a good (evil) example of the image-driven pastor, organizational leader, or business CEO. The Lord does not look on outward appearances (2 Cor. 5:12) and you will never get away with being driven by an image rather than the real deal (1 Sam. 16:7). God sees through that. God knows your character through and through.

You cannot put on airs with Jesus like you do for your adoring public.

Jesus will bring it to light at some point.

If you have the opportunity to join an organization that seems to have it all together and never airs its dirty laundry . . . run.

It is unhealthy and hypocritical.

If you have the opportunity to join an organization that seems to have it all together and tells you all the ways that it does ministry better than anyone else . . . run.

It is unhealthy and they are lying.

We Will Crush You

When an organization is driven by image, you can be assured it will do anything to keep that image alive.

That means the leaders will lie about wrongdoing. They will crush dissent. They will refuse criticism . . . even constructive criticism. They will put on a facade for the donors.

On a side note, this is of what NDAs are made. NDAs are often intended to keep that image alive through silencing its victims while offering cold cash for the buyout.

I worked for a mission agency like this. I watched it in action. And I drank the Koolaid for several years. I am not above being sucked in.

My wife had to confront me (in her gracious way) following a missions conference when I came away all blustery about how our mission was so much better than all those other missions.

It was less than a year later that all that image crumbled before me and we left the mission beaten and bruised by the toxic leadership.

It is insidious. Don’t take part in it . . . it will kill you.

For helpful information on “impression management” by Wade Mullen:

All That Glitters Is Not Gold: Emily’s Story

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Emily joined the African mission work because it “sounded good. It was the way we should be helping.”

The mission hosted an orphanage and had plans to build a school and tech center for women. It was holistic in its service to the poverty-stricken community. 

Emily had just graduated from college and was ready to begin her life in a foreign land, serving people as Christ would want her to serve. Emily bought her plane ticket with the intention of being a career missionary. She was excited to serve the Lord in this way.

Emily began our discussion saying that the mission was “shiny,” but when she had been with the Christian organization for a little while, that glitter began to wear off. She said, “When I saw the other side of the mission, it was like a one way mirror.”

Image

It started with small things.

The soap that they were teaching the nationals to make had a variety of ingredients. But, when it was marketed in the United States certain ingredients were left off the label.

“It was not a big deal,” she said, but she was curious why the ministry was leaving them off.

There was a constant flow of visitors. As Janice (the mission Director) would show the visitors around, Emily heard the same refrain over and over. The orphans they were serving were put on display. Emily said, mockingly, “Come and smile for these white people. Sing songs because they like that.”

Emily noted that there were so many visitors that Janice didn’t even know the children because she was so busy “showing off” the mission. Emily explained, “She didn’t know the culture, the values, important things to raising a kid. Yeah, she knew that in America, but in Africa there was a completely different value system.”

She saw a disconnect from the culture and seemingly little interest in getting to know the people on a real day-to-day level.

It was like the image presented of the organization was all that mattered, not whether it was actually serving the community or not.

Racial Boundaries

One day she was confronted by Janice. She said, “I need you to be in charge of those women in back. Yer the boss.” Emily said she felt so uncomfortable with that. “I was 23 and some of these women had grandchildren.”

Rather than allow the nationals do works of ministry, the “white girl” from America needed to be in charge. Why would Emily, who had so little experience with children, be the “boss” to a group of women who had years and years of experience?

But, there was a disturbing boundary between the Africans and Americans.

They would go to a local church together, but the Americans would be put in the front row seats and everyone stared at them. Emily explained that they would “pretend to cross the cultures periodically,” but there was no real interest in tearing down racial divides.

Laws of the Land

Janice was also breaking the country’s laws in a variety of ways in the name of “ministry.”

The ministry was saving money by purchasing rice on the black market.

They were forging birth certificates. They made up the ages for the children to encourage adoptions.

When Emily questioned Janice, she said, “This is how things work over here. I’ve been here a long time.”

But Emily, said, “As a 23 year-old you begin to think its okay to do all these morally wrong things while saying we are standing for righteousness!” She said, “There was so much truth mixed in with it that over time I began to question whether it really was the way to do it.”

Be Warmed and Be Filled

There is a passage in James that challenges our tendency to do what is expedient rather than providing real, tangible help to others in need.

If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, 16 and one of you says to them, “Go in peace, be warmed and filled,” without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that? So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.

James 2:15-17 (ESV)

Emily shared that Janice was gone one day and a local family came asking for help. They needed food or money. Emily told me,

“We said no, we can’t help you right away. Then later that day we had the realization, ‘What did we just do?’ It was almost like we had been brainwashed. We couldn’t help unless we got something out of it.”

She said it was a sobering moment. Emily reflected, “Shouldn’t we be helping – pushing back a bit?” But she said Janice would just say, “We can’t help everyone.”

There were more stories and it seemed to Emily that what they cared about was looking good and making money but didn’t really care about taking care of the kids there.

Emily told a heart-rending story of a two year-old who was brought to the orphanage. The child had a broken leg and was malnourished. She needed traction on her leg, but Janice was too busy and wouldn’t be of any help. Emily spent much time talking to doctors, but finally the child’s mother came and took her to Doctors Without Borders.

Getting Out

When Emily decided she needed to get out, she sought to bring some accountability to Janice by going to the board of the ministry.

She said, “I had a list of all the injustices. I laid it out for the board. But they simply responded, ‘Well, she’s been there so long. We just have to trust what she’s doing.'”

Emily sadly said she was in a long line. There were at least four others who had gone to the board before her.

She moved to a house nearby before returning to the United Stated. Emily explained, “I didn’t want my name associated with the ministry.” One of the boys in the orphanage begged her, “You can’t leave us with her!” She said it deeply hurt. She felt guilt that she was abandoning the children.

Learning

When I asked her what she focused on in the midst of the fire, she said, “I kept thinking about what Jesus would be doing? What would that look like. Thinking about how faith works into this? What does it look like for an organization to follow Christ?”

She said she read the gospels. Her experience put into perspective what the Bible said about the outcasts of society. 

And Emily talked to anyone she could when she came home. She wisely noted, “I knew who not to talk to because of cultural clues.” Her experience like so many was that some people just don’t want to hear about apparent failure on the mission field. Some just want you to get over it and move on. They tire of hearing your story.

Some people had the attitude, “you made a commitment.” That was not helpful, she said.

Healing

I asked Emily what has been most healing for her over the past years since returning from the mission.

She said, “Talking to other people in similar circumstances.” Emily would realize that she wasn’t crazy when hearing other stories. She had been living with that feeling of insecurity.

In addition, it has been helpful to share frequently with a friend that was with her there at the mission. She tries to remember the sweet times. She doesn’t want to throw the baby out with bathwater and forget that there was good ministry there as well. 

She met her husband three weeks after getting back to the United States. Emily said,

“He loved me no matter what crazy thoughts I had. Especially in the beginning. It’s an experience that will never leave. It impacts everything about me. Having someone who isn’t judging was incredibly healing.” 

When she and her husband moved to a small town in the west, she crossed paths with a woman who had had a similar experience on the mission field in Africa. They sat down at Emily’s house and she told some of her story and Emily told hers. Emily said, “That was one of the most healing times.”

Forgiveness

I asked her what her journey of forgiveness has been like. She said it was a “big question everyone asks.” She said, “I don’t care to have a relationship with Janice, but have come to where I can have grace for her knowing her brokenness. She’s a human too.”

But, she added, “I could never trust her again.”

Emily noted, “Not forgiving only hurts me. She doesn’t know I haven’t forgiven. It only creates bitterness.”

But, it has been a slow process. She doesn’t think forgiving is just a “one and done” kind of experience. “I still can find myself getting up and angry again. It is more like a spiral . . . I just keep coming back to it. It is such a complicated thing.”

Some Advice

When I asked Emily if she had some advice for others suffering under toxic organizational leadership she said,

“Get out!”

She has seen others stick it out in abusive church leadership situations and the trauma and pain it has caused has convinced her that she took the right step of getting back on the plane.

“You can tell when someone is being called to do what they do and it never looks like an abusive situation.”

Going Back to Abuse: What In the World Just Happened?

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One of the great [supposed] mysteries of abusive relationships is why a victim continues to return to their abuser? What is it that drives a survivor of domestic violence back to the scene of the crime multiple times?

One survey of domestic abuse survivors discovered that on average, victims return to their abusers 6.3 times.

“How Survivors Have Left an Abuser for Good,” n.d., https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/escaping-violence/how-survivors-have-left-an-abuser-for-good.

Why does she do that?

We might be asking ourselves a similar question:

Why do we do stay under abusive leadership in Christian organizations?

There is a significant difference between being married and serving under a toxic boss in the workplace. But, for those who serve in Christian ministries, there may be some similarities that make it particularly hard to leave an abusive leader behind.

The following are some of the reasons given by domestic violence experts for why a victim returns to her abusive partner. And for each, how these same reasons pop up within the toxic workplace.

Number 1

  • “The victim feeling that the relationship is a mix of good times, love and hope along with the manipulation, intimidation and fear.”[2]

There are at least a couple ways to look at this when staying with a toxic leader.

First, we know that the Lord turns evil into good on a regular basis. He is gracious in that way.

Unfortunately, we sometimes stick it out, living in fear and suffering because we have a false understanding of suffering for Christ. We might think we are “suffering for Christ” and thinking we have a duty to stay.

It is important to remember firstly that when God’s people are told they may suffer for the Lord and should remain in that place of suffering, it is normally in the context of having no other option.

  • Being a Christian means we do not deny Him to the world…and that can bring persecution and suffering. (2 Tim. 2:12) We cannot leave the world and so must suffer for Jesus because we are His people.
  • Also consider Peter’s call to slaves in 1 Peter 2:18f. Peter tells them to hang in there with a good attitude. Where did they have to go? They could not simply quit their jobs. In addition, Peter goes on through the end of his letter talking generally about suffering as a Christian. Again, this suffering was unjust and due to being stuck in their circumstances.

An employee of a Christian organization is not stuck in his place like a slave or a Christian in the first century suffering under a government that outlawed Christianity. Just as Jesus, Paul, and Peter provide examples of fleeing from suffering, we have that option when facing off with a toxic leader. [See Jn. 12:36, Acts 9:23-25, 12:6-17]

Secondly, many feel that the good times outweigh the bad. They continue to look back on their ministry with rose-colored glasses and see all the good they believe they have done. They fail to see all the trauma that it is causing them in the now. They may not realize that every spiritual and emotional wound they suffer carries a bag full of physical effects – negatively changing neural pathways, creating unfounded fears and illnesses from the stress. [See this blog]

It is like the frog who is being boiled. It starts out cold and the progressive increase in temperature is so gradual it is imperceptible to the frog. In the end, he boils to death. So, the one who continually looks back or forward through lenses that make it impossible to see the evil being done to them and others.

Unfortunately, over time, those who remain committed to these toxic leaders find their spiritual, emotional, and physical lives chipped away. Often, when they finally jump out of the pot they despise missions, Christian organizations, the church, or even Christ.

Number 2

  • “Nowhere Else to Go. In a survey on DomesticShelters.org, 43 percent of respondents said they returned to an abuser after finding out their local domestic violence shelter could not accommodate them. Lack of having somewhere to go (e.g. no friends or family to help, no money for hotel, shelter programs are full or limited by length of stay)”

The variation on this for the employee of a toxic Christian organization is that they have no other job prospects or they fear the shame of returning from the mission field.

This, combined with number 1, can be deadly to the Christian.

It is scary to step out of what you have become accustomed. It was maybe your dream job when you got it, and to admit seeming defeat is frightening.

Be assured, joining a Christian organization is almost always a shock. The red flags are not always visible and rarely are we particularly open to seeing them when looking for a job. It is extremely hard to believe that Christian leaders can be so wicked.

My own parents saw the toxins much sooner than I did in our Christian ministry.

It is important to remember that the Lord has taken you, led you, and provided for you in the past and He can in the future. If this job is causing mental, spiritual, and physical health problems, then trust the Lord and get out.

Number 3

  • “Fear...Domestic violence is rooted in a desire to control another individual through coercion or threats. An abuser may tell the survivor that if they don’t come back home, the abuser will find them and harm or kill them, their children, their extended family or their beloved pets.” 

This is really a variation on number 2. Employees feel trapped in that they know they will not receive a good reference if they leave the organization. Again, they fear being back in the chase for a job…and do so without a good reference from their abusive boss.

Unfortunately, this can be a real problem. Yet, again we have to remember who is in control of our future. Does the Lord know the mess you are in? Yes. Does He care that you are in that mess? Yes. Can He rescue you and bring you to a land of milk and honey? Absolutely.

Trust Him. Get out. Quick.

Number 4

  • “Psychological Control or Brainwashing. Many abusers use these tactics, which may also be called emotional abuse or coercive control, in order to convince the survivor that the only person who can truly love them or keep them safe is the abuser.”

One toxic organization variation on this one is the development of image. Common to most toxic organizations is the leader’s image building. The leaders will go to great lengths to build up the image of the organization in the minds of anyone who will listen.

And it is likely you have thirsted for that koolaid in your pride of ministry. You wanted to hear how great your ministry was…especially compared to other ministries. You soaked up their boasts.

Leaders say such things as, “We do ministry the best of them all” or “God has specially blessed us in ways other ministries just don’t have” are said over and over until they truly believe their own press.

And you have likely believed the press as well. I remember coming to that realization after six years with our organization. I found myself constantly comparing our wonderful ministry with others.

But, remember, a toxic organization is not particularly blessed. Nor does it do ministry the best of them all. In fact, they are the worst. There really are organizations out there that practice love and integrity with all their stakeholders.

Wouldn’t you rather be part of that?

Get Out. Now.

I can say this because I finally did. But, I know how difficult it really is.

It took me years to get it. I didn’t listen to others. I found great pride in my organization. I couldn’t imagine doing anything else.

Each of the above reasons why a survivor continues to return to her abuser were true of me staying in my organization.

But, it is not too late. Honestly evaluate the benefits of the trauma you are facing and horrendous witness to Christ your organization is displaying.

And get out. Now.

NOTES

[1] “How Survivors Have Left an Abuser for Good,” n.d., https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/escaping-violence/how-survivors-have-left-an-abuser-for-good.

[2] “NCADV | National Coalition Against Domestic Violence,” accessed March 7, 2022, https://ncadv.org/why-do-victims-stay.

Wild Grapes: God’s Judgment on Power & Oppression

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People were created to love God and neighbor. They were created to care for and keep the world [Genesis 2:15]. To create flourishing.

They were not created to sow power and reap abuse.

Imagine for a moment that you have purchased a vineyard. You tenderly care for the vines, providing ample water each week, making sure it goes a foot deep into the rich soil. You daily walk through the rows pulling weeds and watching for nasty pests. You fertilize it and prune it yearly to remove all growth except new 1-year-old fruiting canes and renewal spurs.

But then, you discover the grapes are smaller and less sweet than you had expected. They are more prone to disease. They are “wild” grapes.

You did everything to care for the vineyard but the grapes have gone their own way.

God’s Wild Grapes

Apparently, in Isaiah’s time, God’s people had done the same.

God, the one true God, who created all things, is perfectly just and righteous. He is loving in all His ways. He is extraordinarily merciful to a broken people. Despite seeing His love and care, watering and pruning in the lives of His people, they have been more interested in joining “house to house” and adding “field to field” as the prophet Isaiah said of the wild grapes [Isaiah 5:1-10].

The picture Isaiah paints is of a greedy and oppressive people who are more concerned about their wealth than the care of their fellow man. If you ever wanted to know where our anti-monopoly laws come from, you need look no further than Isaiah’s prophetic witness.

However, this picture does not stop with monopolies. Isaiah is presenting a broader principle that cuts to heart of American Christian culture: power and oppression. We are a deeply broken people in the West where fame, fortune, and building at all costs rules so many of our decisions and is used as a means to oppress rather than bless. Consider how we protest a corporation who operates in a way we think is morally repugnant. We boycott. We shoot for the pocketbook. We know money makes the world go ’round.

Because we know that to get to the heart, you go to the bank.

Because people are more concerned about power and comforts than anything else. As long as the stock market is doing well . . . we are doing well. As long as the church’s image is larger than life . . . we are doing well.

The ends justify the means.

But God says there will be a reckoning. Isaiah goes on to say,

The LORD of hosts has sworn in my hearing:
“Surely many houses shall be desolate,
large and beautiful houses, without inhabitant.
For ten acres of vineyard shall yield but one bath,
and a homer of seed shall yield but an ephah.”

Isaiah 5:9-10

God told Israel (and Judah) He would take away the very thing they were so driven to attain: wealth and power. All those houses they built for themselves, after taking everyone else’s land, will end up empty. The land they invested in, taking it from all the “little guys,” would produce very little fruit.

The oppression they practiced would come back on them. 

and Toxic Leadership?

It is in the context of grabbing after wealth and power that the toxic leader rises up and survives in our power and image-driven world. If the expectations of followers is that there be much cake, then the leader is driven by such demands. If a leader shows an accute ability to build the image of the church, the members greedily hang on his every word.

It does not matter if he is a liar or a sexual predator, or any other kind of toxic personality. If he creates something we can take pride in or supports our priority projects, we are good to go and will support him.

And I am not talking about the government or secular workplace. This is the church.

But if God’s people expect love and care for all of God’s creation, there is more likely to be a use of our resources for care and concern by those in leadership. There is more likely to be a use of power for care and concern. If Christian organizations hold leaders accountable, power becomes the means by which those organizations and churches take care of people. And that power is held very loosely remembering that the first will be last.

Money, social presence, and power are only tools. And they are not to be tools used for an individual’s pathological self-love.

Not at all.

Zero.

and he looked for justice,
but behold, bloodshed;
for righteousness,
but behold, an outcry!

Isaiah 5:7

We all need to evaluate what we look for in leaders and those of us who are leaders, consider the cost of self-love.

Only the humility found in the Gospel can save us.

Go On and Kiss the Girl: People-Pleaser-Ahab

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I think I have King Ahab figured out.

He may have been a pretty nice guy…just don’t tell Naboth that.

He is a people-pleaser.

Scripture describes a particular incident between Ahab, his nasty wife, Jezebel, and a citizen named Naboth. 1st Kings 21 says Ahab saw this great garden right by his palace and it was owned by Naboth. Ahab thought it a good idea to have that garden so he would have veggies close at hand.

What’s a king to do?

Most kings of the time would probably tell Naboth to find a new garden…“It’s mine, all mine!”

But Ahab was actually pretty honorable. He said,

“Give me your vineyard, that I may have it for a vegetable garden, because it is near my house, and I will give you a better vineyard for it; or, if it seems good to you, I will give you its value in money.”

He offered a better one or cash. That seemed pretty fair.

However, Naboth had good reason to refuse Ahab and told him it was part of his family inheritance. They did not just give away their inheritance back in those days. It was pretty impressive that Naboth felt safe enough to reject his king.

But King Ahab went home and sulked. He accepted Naboth’s rejection but was quite torn up about it. He clearly was lusting after that piece of property.

Go On, and Kiss the Girl

So, in his sulking, that Jezebel (his wife) showed up to save his day. She told her hubby,

“Do you now govern Israel? Arise and eat bread and let your heart be cheerful; I will give you the vineyard of Naboth the Jezreelite.”

She reminded him he had absolute power – because that is how she thought of his position of authority. She knew nothing of God’s requirements for the King of Israel (Deuteronomy 17:14-20). Jezebel did not put up with insubordination no matter the reason. My guess is she could not allow the image of her family be tarnished by a commoner.

So, she took care of the problem.

She did so by hiring a couple “worthless fellows” and acting suddenly religious. With Ahab’s stamp on the orders, she proclaimed a “fast,” which would normally mean a humbling of the nation before the Lord and prayer. But instead, she used it to bring false accusations against Naboth that he bad-mouthed God (and king).

And he was stoned to death.

Wow.

King Ahab arose from his sorrow and went “down to the vineyard of Naboth the Jezreelite, to take possession of it.” Just like that it was taken care of.

No Mocking God

But that is not all. The Lord will not be mocked by Ahab’s foolish compromise with evil to be done in his name. The Lord proclaimed that,

Behold, I will bring disaster upon you. I will utterly burn you up, and will cut off from Ahab every male, bond or free, in Israel.

And he told Jezebel,

“The dogs shall eat Jezebel within the walls of Jezreel.”

The Lord does what he says. Jezebel was indeed eaten by dogs…

But, following this pronouncement, Ahab actually humbled himself before the Lord, though Jezebel did not. He tore his clothes, put on sackloth, and fasted. God noted his humility and promised to withold his judgment during Ahab’s days.

You really get the sense that Ahab was not such a bad guy afterall. He is not the beastly abuser of whom so many stories are told in scripture. He has some humility. He was not going to force himself upon Naboth despite having the power of king.

But his people-pleasing created problems. Especially for Naboth.

Wagging the Dog

As a leader he was unable to stand against that which was evil – an abusive, horrible wife. He could not say, “No” to her. He was willing to submit to horrendous wickedness because of his lust for land and desire to please Jezebel.

There are many leaders out there in this category. Where many leaders that I write about are mean and controlling, Ahab leaders are ineffectual and hurt their organizations not through meanness but through failure to actually lead.

They fear others and will compromise with evil to make them happy.

The tail wags these dogs. Just as Jezebel wagged Ahab.

Note: There is an excellent business text on leadership traits where I first saw this particular type of leader discussed.

Vries, Manfred F. R. Kets de. The Leader on the Couch: A Clinical Approach to Changing People and Organizations. 1st edition. Wiley, 2009.

Sure Signs of Toxic Leadership

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One of the occupational hazards of someone who studies and writes about abuse is an ever-present vigilance – often overdeveloped. I am very attentive to leadership failure. I can find it under every rock.

But I guess that is my job so others can think about other things maybe more productive.

Let me share some of those rocks under which I have found toxic leaders in my various interviews and experience. There are a number of indicators of abusive leadership and it is important to be able to diagnose toxic leadership and root it out from your organization.

Because it is nearly guaranteed toxic leaders will kill your organization if left unchecked.

The List

This is meant as a simple list and it is not conclusive. But it can give you something to consider if you are wondering if you serve a toxic leader:

1. Lack of Humility

Recently, a blogger listed the various evangelical leaders who have fallen by the way-side. He noted that each one lacked humility. “He cannot be wrong.” This is my warning to survivors of domestic violence or leadership abuse: run from those who do not have the humility to admit they are wrong. They are wrong at times no matter how often they tell you someone else is wrong.

2. Focus on Control

From micro-managing to mind-control, leaders who abuse God-given authority want to control everything. In Christian organizations control is often hidden behind the “Christianese” of despising gossip. As one ministry under-shepherd said, “He had to control the narrative.” One Christian business leader (of whom I have heard testimonies) makes it his biggest priority to root out gossip from the organization.

Sounds good.

The Lord speaks against gossip. But his hatred of gossip is in one direction. He is entitled to be free from being challenged for wrongdoing. If someone goes to him directly they are either torn apart (Matthew 7) or their complaint is ignored. Where do you go from there?

Wherever you go, it is then considered gossip by these authoritarians.

3. He is the Center

Closely related to number one is the leader who always takes the credit. Rarely is the leader really the reason something got done. Maybe he directed as a good leader should. Maybe it was his idea.

But it is usually the minions who are doing the hard lifting. The abusive leader makes it very clear he is the center of all that is good in the organization. We all want praise but these leaders are seemingly driven by little else.

And, watch out if they do not get it.

4. Blame-Shifter

Closely related to the first and second is the leader who deflects criticism by sending you in another direction. Someone else must be wrong if the leader is always right. Right? Often they create the environment that there has to be a fall-guy. There must be someone else to blame.

Often blame-shifting comes out when the leader talks about the large percentage of resignations from the organization. “They just weren’t supportive of our mission…They just couldn’t handle the hard work…They just couldn’t handle Africa…”

You might want to actually talk to some of those people to get the real story.

5. No Team is a Good Team

As a musician friend of mine noted not long ago, the conductor’s job is to help the orchestra (or choir or band) use their talents to the best of their ability to serve the audience. It is not his job to create a cult of self. The focus should never be on the conductor.

Good leaders build teams that help each other multiply their effectiveness by enjoying and using one another’s giftedness. Toxic leaders are (back to number 2) the center of their universe. And they want to be the center of yours as well.

6. Image, Image, Image

In our day of marketing genius, this may be a bit harder to get. We want to get our ministries out there so we let people know what we do well; that can include some pretty professional marketing. But those who have been part of a mission organization that practiced this will understand.

One Christian psychologist put it this way:

I often think of a narcissistic pastor who served in a rural setting in a very small church, who by all accounts was diligent and godly but who constantly compared his church to other churches with an attitude of judgment, lauding his church’s orthodoxy while quietly condemning other local pastors. 1

There are many mission groups or organizations out there that are doing God-glorifying work. When a leader is constantly comparing his ministry to others and touting that his organization is the very best, there is a problem going back to number 1.

In fact, maybe he believes his organization is the only one doing the work of God. It is ego-gratifying and it will eat you alive. And it fails to recognize the big team of God that is out there seeking to do His work.

7. Sweetness & Hurt

Not all toxic leaders practice this bizarre behavior but it is extremely confusing to those who do not recognize abuse. One moment the leader will go off on a subordinate, tearing him to pieces . . . the next they are sweetness and light. And usually with no acknowledgement that anything happened at all.

This is an indicator of “borderline” personality disorder. It is manipulative and destructive.

8. Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

It is really hard for most employees or church members to believe: There are “Christian” leaders out there that lie through their teeth.

It took several years for us to finally realize that our mission leader was intentionally lying to us. We gave all sorts of justifications for his failure to “remember” what he had told us before. We even calmed others with justifications when they pointed out his lies to them. But it finally came down to him covering his own entitled self with lies.

This is not normal behavior!

Run or Confront?

So, those are some indicators of toxic leadership. If your boss is practicing these, have another vocation waiting in the wings and send out that memo. You can run or confront.

If you want to see repentance, your leader will need to be seriously challenged. They do not change through soft-pedling their wrongs. If you care for the organization and the work it is doing, help the organization root out the toxic leader.

NOTES:

1. Vrbicek, Interview by Benjamin. “The Many Faces of Narcissism in the Church.” ChristianityToday.com. Accessed April 15, 2020. https://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2020/march/chuck-degroat-narcissism-comes-church.html.

The Gag Reflex: How Fear Ruins an Organization

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As I interview and discuss toxic leadership among Christian organization (and church) leaders, it has become apparent that head honchos that “gag” subordinates are encouraging a toxic environment.

These leaders need to be warned that they are heading down a road that will get very difficult to navigate.

There has been much attention given to the actions of Liberty University President, Jerry Falwell Jr., in relation to employees and students. I wrote [Liberty U: Slaves to Image] several months ago in response to a World Magazine article reporting Liberty U’s gag orders to their student newspaper.

Buying the Mission

Fundamental to most gag orders in Christian organizations is the argument that employees should be fully “bought into” the organization’s “Christian” philosophy, goals, and actions. And therefore, should never speak negatively about the organization publicly.

There is often a strong submission element in the stated motives as well. Employees should just submit to their leadership or get out. Romans 13 might even be quoted:

Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God. Therefore whoever resists the authorities resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgment.


Romans 13:1-2 (ESV)

Or maybe even the misplaced quoting of Joshua’s famous challenge to the man with the drawn sword standing between Israel and Jericho.

When Joshua was by Jericho, he lifted up his eyes and looked, and behold, a man was standing before him with his drawn sword in his hand. And Joshua went to him and said to him, “Are you for us, or for our adversaries?”


Joshua 5:13 (ESV)

“Are you for us, or against us?” A bit of throwing down the gauntlet.

However, not only is quoting Joshua in this case going against the context of this passage [the Lord lays Joshua flat], but I would suggest that demanding submission based on Romans is often a thinly disguised attempt to cover the fears of organizational leadership when the “emporer has no clothes.”

It is fear that drives leaders to require employees to remain silent when finding things afoot in the ministry that do not sit right with them.

Unflinching submission from employees is what most authorities would love to have and it takes self-awareness, humility, and some significant self-differentiation (thick skin) to deal with subordinate challenges.

In 2012, Liberty University’s leadership sought to contact an employee late in the evening to order her to cease and desist from posting her frustration over a lack of parking on the campus (making it necessary for her to walk quite a distance to her office) on social media. When an article was written about the event, the employee no longer was working at Liberty.

The employee had found it necessary to complain publicly about an issue she found important and believed she was not being heard by Liberty U’s leadership.

A complaint about parking? Is a gag order really necessary?

Protectionism

When a leader is more concerned about being agreed with and obeyed than the growth of his leadership skill or organization’s quality, he is forgetting the call Jesus Christ gave to His flock to do unto others [His image-bearers] as they would want to be done to. [loose translation of Luke 6:30-31]

In a lecture for the AACC National Conference in Dallas, Diane Langberg said regarding the church’s poor response to abuse in its midst,

Much of Christendom today is in turmoil, trying deparately to protect her name and reputation and institutions. Such things are not the call of God in our lives. The call of God is in the voice of the little ones. Little in size, age, position, and power. We are called to listen to the voices of the abused. We are called to go to places where souls are damaged.  To go to places where we need to bend, to go slowly, to become little so as to not overwhelm. To have patience as souls who have been chained in dark places adjust to some light for the very first time. And in doing so, we will demonstrate before a power-grabbing, watching world the true nature of our great God who became little on our behalf.

She is challenging Christian leaders to go “small” like Jesus did in becoming flesh and dwelling among crazy humans in weakness. Look out for the little ones, not our own reputation and image. We need to quit “trying desparately to protect” our organizations’ and churches’ reputations.

Missing the Jesus Boat

Christian leaders who rely on gag orders to control their employees are missing the Jesus boat. They are abusing the authority God has given them. They are seeking to create a fortress around their reputations and image.

Unfortunately, many leaders, who at least border on being toxic, fail to realize the damage they actually do to their image and credibility when demanding submission. Rather than protecting their reputation, they are saying to the watching world, “Me and my goals are unchallengeable and righteous.” Rather than welcoming the sometimes, God-given and uncomfortable exhortations to becoming better as a leader or organization, they crush those they consider opponents.

We have watched over and over again the attempted salvaging of company, political, or organizational image at the expense of truth-telling following a moral failure. And we have become jaded and cynical to the marketing machines that have become all-too common seeking to cover up the failings of leadership.

We know instinctively what is going to be said and done by the organization to shift the blame, deny, and be obscurantic.

Consider, for instance, Michigan State University as it continues to squash taking responsibility for its horrifying failure to protect young women athletes from sexual predators in their sports programs. I encourage you to read Rachael Denhollander’s new book, “What Is a Girl Worth?”

As Christian leaders, we are called to much better responses. Again, hear the wisdom of Diane Langberg:

“We have seen it in the church, in missions, in Christian organizations, or communities around the world. There is the cancer of immorality, theft, corruption, or sexual abuse, and all the energy of that system goes to maintaining itself and a good appearance while ignoring the disease. Thinking they are preserving the system they call God’s, they fail to see and deal with the disease hidden within. They actually think that if they acknowledge the presence of disease and work to stop it, they will in fact, destroy the work of God. However, it is not a step toward the recovery of a sickly system to disguise the worst symptoms of that system to itself.”

— Suffering and the Heart of God: How Trauma Destroys and Christ Restores by Diane Langberg

“Sickly systems” need to be healed. The failures of our organizations need to be brought to light to be healed. We need to hear those complaints about our organizations…even in social media.

Then we need to respond by “getting small” and helping our employees have a voice, not gagging them.