Monthly Archives: November 2022

Giving Leaders a Free Pass: The Story of Praise

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Having spent nearly a decade working for a mission college in Africa, I have a keen interest in African leadership. It is evident that leadership problems abound in every part of the world. There is no culture that is free from the effects of sinful leadership. 

Each culture has horrible leaders. And, each culture gives them a free pass for various and often different reasons. 

Bad leaders may not be held accountable for their sin because of their popularity and gifting in certain places (i.e. United States). And, bad leaders may continue unabated because they “must be respected” in other cultures (African or Asian). I am not an expert on cultures, so these are only my opinions after cursory evaluations.

Praise’s Story

When I spoke with Praise (not his real name), he shared his own experience with leadership abuse in the African nation in which he grew up. Praise was a young man when he traveled to a distant village to assist a pastor while going to school. The pastor took him into his house, but did not pay him anything.

Praise enjoyed the work, walking over four miles to the church each day. His living arrangements at the pastor’s home was the “sitting room” where the TV was and had arise early to be out of the way and go to bed late often as the family watched TV. 

The real trouble started when he began “dating” a woman and wanted to marry her. The pastor and leadership of the church however, wanted him to marry someone else. Their choice of a wife lived in a neighboring country. 

Physical and Spiritual Wounds

While escorting the woman to her home at 6 pm one evening, he was attacked by several men. They took pangas (machetes) to Praise. He was badly hurt. The savage attack was likely tribal according to Praise. To his disappointment, despite using a little room behind the church, no one from the church were of any help to him. 

Rather than seek help for and encourage Praise, the pastor accusingly told him, “See, I told you not to marry this lady.”

When Praise was giving testimony to the church about the attack, he expressed his frustration at the lack of help that he received from church members as he recovered from his wounds. But, the pastor told the church, “I don’t know this man. I don’t know who brought you to this church.” 

The pastor then proceeded to ask him to write a resignation letter, though his position was only voluntary.

Praise taught a Sunday morning Bible study each week at the church. During the church worship “announcements” following Praise’s Bible study, the pastor publicly railed against Praise, telling the members of the church “not to have anything to do with him.” According to Praise, the pastor told the church he was “excommunicating Praise that day.” 

Adding insult to injury, he proclaimed authoritaringly that Praise would “never succeed.” 

Praise left and went to another church. 

Rampant Authoritarianism

Praise told me, in churches that have “less structure” like mission churches, the “members give a lot of respect to pastors.” He said, “Even when members are being abused by pastors, it is hard to identify.” 

He explained, they would “rather be oppressed quietly for the sake of getting something small for the family.” Men of low economic class suffer the most. They see God as speaking more to the pastor. “The Pastor is a mediator between me and God.” 

Praise noted that it is difficult for congregant members to know whether the pastor is speaking revelation from the Lord or their own words. 

In addition, Praise said, “The calling of individual pastors is defined by how they act socially, economically and how they are connected politically.” If they have money then God has blessed them and therefore, they must be specially called. 

“Even if a pastor is a molester, but has money, followers do not speak up.”

Praise said, “It’s very frustrating. They take advantage of widows and orphans . . . even sleep with them, but give them money. Because they are poor they feel threatened by pastors.”

Continued Leadership Struggles

Hurt and confused, Praise left the church and planted another church. It grew significantly. They even brought on an Assistant Pastor to help Praise in his work.

His Assistant invited several friends as preachers to an evening vigil they had planned. It is common for African churches to have long nighttime meetings with much singing and praying with additional guests speaking to the congregation.

However, Praise said, “One of the visiting preachers accused me of not respecting my assistant pastor whom they expected I should work under. He used a traditional saying ‘when the cat is out the rat takes the reins of power.’ In this context, I was the rat and my Assistant Pastor was the cat.”

Another job opportunity was presented to Praise after he had finished his Masters degree. The international church organization seemed to be a good fit for Praise. He made the “shortlist” from those applying but after interviewing he was not picked for the position. Apparently, having come from a “small church” was the reason according to one of the panelists.

Again, another organization had an opening for which Praise applied. However, he was required to attain a recommendation letter from “a local church organization.” When he requested the letter, an American women who was married to a Kenyan told him that they would not provide a recommendation letter. She did not give him a reason, but later he found out that she had asked the church organization to write a recommendation letter for her husband who was also applying for the position.

Most recently, Praise has been teaching for a local university, “but because of tribalism” he was never paid. In the space of three years of serving the university he has received $35.

But, as he continues to somehow provide for his family, he has not given up the struggle.

Healing

When I asked Praise what has provided the most healing for him while going through these many difficult leadership difficulties, he said, “Speaking to a friend to take solace. Just speaking with him – speaking into his life.” 

In addition, he explained, “My wife has stood beside me. I almost threw off my doctoral work.” One of his graduate professors encouraged Praise. He helped him know that God would help him in what he was going through if he remain focused. 

At times, like Job, Praise asked, “Why did God do this? Why have you taken my life to be an object of test? You are breaking me. You are stretching me too much.” 

He said he began asking if he was not praying well? “Sometimes I get too ‘traditional’ . . . some believe that if a person is going through a lot of suffering he has been ‘bewitched.'” But he said in his frustration, “I am born again! Why can’t you, Lord deal with it?”

It was a very hard time, but he neither gave up on Christ nor ministry.

Praise is currently part of an international “think tank” that is seeking ways to help the global church respond to abuse and create safe churches for those who are suffering or have suffered abuse of various kinds.

Praise knows he has experienced trauma, but the Lord is His Good Shepherd and he knows that God provides for the oppressed.

My Close Friends Have Forgotten Me: Isolating Victims

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When I first began research in toxic leadership, I had become interested in the topic because of two things: the leadership of our mission and a dear friend’s experience of an abusive marriage she had suffered in for 20 years.

The ways in which those two forms of abuse – leadership and domestic – came together were astounding. The psychological, spiritual, and physical techniques of abusers and destruction caused by them were extraordinarily similar.

As I focused in on leadership abuse, domestic abuse affects were never very far off my research paths.

One particular result (and technique) of abuse is isolation. It is deeply hurtful. And it is almost always, in my experience, a result of or intentional tool in the abusive individual’s kit.

I have spent much time in Job lately and as I read recently, these words popped out at me:

He has put my brothers far from me,
and those who knew me are wholly estranged from me.
My relatives have failed me,
my close friends have forgotten me.
The guests in my house and my maidservants count me as a stranger;
I have become a foreigner in their eyes.
I call to my servant, but he gives me no answer;
I must plead with him with my mouth for mercy.
My breath is strange to my wife,
and I am a stench to the children of my own mother.
Even young children despise me;
when I rise they talk against me.
All my intimate friends abhor me,
and those whom I loved have turned against me.
My bones stick to my skin and to my flesh,
and I have escaped by the skin of my teeth.
Have mercy on me, have mercy on me, O you my friends,
for the hand of God has touched me!
Why do you, like God, pursue me?
Why are you not satisfied with my flesh?

Job 19:13 (ESV)

In Job’s case, he has seen the works of Satan destroying aspects of his life under the willing control of the Lord Almighty. He knows God’s sovereignty in the situation and is angry and confused by it.

Job is a respected elder in the community because of the many blessings the Lord has poured out on him. But, as the Lord proves to Satan that Job’s love for God is not based on material well-being, Job loses nearly everything in his world; his wealth, children, employees, animals, crops, and his own health.

And Job loses his friends.

He is isolated.

It is part and parcel of the abuser’s playbook to do all he can to separate his victim from her friends and means of support. He may charm family, friends, co-workers, or employees making it seem evident that the victim is crazy, mistaken about the abuse, or unloveable.

One manager of a large international ministry told me his CEO called all his friends – other CEOs of major ministries – to isolate him. The CEO made it impossible for him to find another job for two years after he fired the manager for confronting the CEO on reports of sexual harrassment of 20 women.

Our missions Director told us the other staff with whom we worked were against us when we challenged his toxic leadership. It was not true, but he evidently wanted us to feel isolated and helpless.

In a recent interview, a woman told me her respected husband isolated her from family and church friends and leadership by means of his social stature and charm.

Another woman told me all of her brothers turned against her when she was seeking to get free from her horribly abusive husband.

Job’s story ends well. He is given great wealth, more children, a whole new ranch teaming with stock and he is welcomed back into the community.

That may or may not be the case for those who have been isolated by their abuser. But it is important to remember that it is the Lord Who brings vindication. It is the Lord Who will provide all the needs we have.

And it may be a case where we must turn to the Lord’s example:

Now when he was in Jerusalem at the Passover Feast, many believed in his name when they saw the signs that he was doing. But Jesus on his part did not entrust himself to them, because he knew all people and needed no one to bear witness about man, for he himself knew what was in man.

John 2:23-25 (ESV)

Jesus did “not entrust himself to them.” Why?

“Because he knew all people . . . for he himself knew what was in man.”

Man is fickle. His allegiances change. He will believe whom he wants to believe.

This is a cry to those who would isolate victims of abuse by believing the lies of the oppressor. Though you may fear the abuser, your allegiance better fall with the victim of oppression . . . this is the Lord’s will.

And, this is a cry to victims. Know that ultimately, the Lord’s vindication is for the taking. Though the vindication of man – brought by your loving Lord – may be long in coming, the Lord stands by your side and will not be removed.

Though it seems that the heavens are falling and the earth is shaking, to be isolated with the Lord is far and away better than the praises of man.

I Loathe My Life: Listening to Victims

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Those who are honored to hear an abuse survivor’s story need to hear Job’s story.

They need to hear his words . . . and they need to hear his friends’ words. They are likely to identify with Job’s friends more than with Job. They are likely shocked by Job.

But then they may wonder why God takes his friends to task in the end of the story rather than Job.

Listen to Job’s heart:

“I loathe my life;
I will give free utterance to my complaint;
I will speak in the bitterness of my soul.
I will say to God, Do not condemn me;
let me know why you contend against me.
Does it seem good to you to oppress,
to despise the work of your hands
and favor the designs of the wicked?
Have you eyes of flesh?
Do you see as man sees?
Are your days as the days of man,
or your years as a man’s years,
that you seek out my iniquity
and search for my sin,
although you know that I am not guilty,
and there is none to deliver out of your hand?
Your hands fashioned and made me,
and now you have destroyed me altogether.
Remember that you have made me like clay;
and will you return me to the dust?
Did you not pour me out like milk
and curdle me like cheese?
You clothed me with skin and flesh,
and knit me together with bones and sinews.
You have granted me life and steadfast love,
and your care has preserved my spirit.
Yet these things you hid in your heart;
I know that this was your purpose.
If I sin, you watch me
and do not acquit me of my iniquity.
If I am guilty, woe to me!
If I am in the right, I cannot lift up my head,
for I am filled with disgrace
and look on my affliction.
And were my head lifted up, you would hunt me like a lion
and again work wonders against me.
You renew your witnesses against me
and increase your vexation toward me;
you bring fresh troops against me.

Job 10:1-17 (ESV)

You could read just a couple sentences and be disturbed by Job’s attitude towards the Lord. But he sounds like many abuse victims with whom I have spoken.

Victims are angry. They are frustrated. They don’t get how God could put them through what they have gone through.

It reminds me of Mia’s story. As Mia continued to hold fast to the Lord, the added pain of suffering at the hands of God’s servants (leaders in the church), only exacerbated the misery. Or Kani’s story of questioning what God was doing . . . or if he needed to be a better Christian.

Job did not reject God. He questioned the Lord and was angry at the Lord. But he did not reject Him.

Though he slay me, I will hope in him;
yet I will argue my ways to his face.

Job 13:15 (ESV)

But I want you to see that Job’s friends responded to these and other complaints by Job much like most of us want to respond when sitting in a victim’s story. As we hear their hurt, complaints, suffering, and what we would deem bad theology, we want to fix them. We have a unquenchable urge to straighten them out. Get them on the road to healing ASAP.

I have heard this over and over. The theologically astute want so badly to clean up the attitudes and comments of victims. Listeners feel they must clear the air and defend the Lord. They must get the victim on the path to righteousness. . . to just get over it.

And, by no means, criticize the Lord!

But Learn from Job

Listen to the Lord. Hear the end of the story:

After the LORD had spoken these words to Job, the LORD said to Eliphaz the Temanite: “My anger burns against you and against your two friends, for you have not spoken of me what is right, as my servant Job has. Now therefore take seven bulls and seven rams and go to my servant Job and offer up a burnt offering for yourselves. And my servant Job shall pray for you, for I will accept his prayer not to deal with you according to your folly. For you have not spoken of me what is right, as my servant Job has.” So Eliphaz the Temanite and Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite went and did what the LORD had told them, and the LORD accepted Job’s prayer.

Job 42:7-9 (ESV)

You would think, like Eliphaz did, that the Lord would come down on Job. Job’s words had been biting. They had been directed at the Lord of the universe. The One who created all things and does only good and right.

But Job says, “Does it seem good to you to oppress, to despise the work of your hands and favor the designs of the wicked?”

Any mature Christian would want to say, “Are you kidding me? How dare you talk of the Lord this way?”

His friends defended the Lord. They responded with many correct theological statements. How dare Job talk to God this way.

Zophar said in response to Job’s complaint:

“Should a multitude of words go unanswered,
and a man full of talk be judged right?
Should your babble silence men,
and when you mock, shall no one shame you?
For you say, ‘My doctrine is pure,
and I am clean in God’s eyes.’

Job 11:2-4 (ESV)

Zophar is righteously indignant. Sounds great. Accurate. Scriptural.

But, the Lord instead tells him and his other friends, “My anger burns against you.” Their words were wrong . . . and Job’s were right!

Wow.

So, next time you sit down and listen to a survivor, consider keeping your mouth shut.

Oh that you would keep silent,
and it would be your wisdom!

Job 13:5 (ESV)

Consider Job. Consider Eliphaz.

Consider that the Lord of the universe is on the victim’s side. And He is hearing His servant Job. You would do well to do the same.