Monthly Archives: July 2022

Tyrants Leading the Church: Seekers of Position, Role & Status

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First in a three-part series on women who were sexually abused, one of their families, and church leadership that failed to protect and care for them.

Calvin and Charlotte1 raised their daughters with what they considered a strict adherence to Biblical teaching. When their daughters exhibited concerning changes in behavior in their teen years, Calvin and Charlotte didn’t understand why and searched for ways to change their parenting.

They explained, “In our search for answers, we embraced purity culture and the ‘Vision Forum’ patriarchal teaching.” They did not realize how that would add to their daughter, Mia’s burden.

When Mia revealed that she had been sexually molested at a young age by the son of a church deacon, then later by the nephew of her childhood pastor, and raped as a young teen by two men in the another denomination (one being a youth leader), so much of what Calvin and Charlotte had failed to understand became clear.

Mia’s change in behavior at home and struggle with the church had its roots in her experience of sexual assaults.

The Spiritual Abuse Was Worse than the Sexual Abuse

It was not too late for Mia, but the church and her parents needed to respond to her struggles in light of these horrible experiences as a child. 

Unfortunately, Mia did not receive the response she so desperately needed from the church. However, Calvin and Charlotte worked through the issues with Mia, coming to learn much not only about sexual abuse, but also spiritual abuse. 

Mia’s pain runs deep and she continues to struggle with the church. The way the community responds to the report of abuse from a victim greatly impacts their healing process and the church failed miserably. Calvin and Charlotte are still hoping that the church leaders will learn from this experience and be biblically responsive in the future.

Her Story

When Mia approached the church leadership – elders who were assigned to care for her – the abuses she had received as a child were only piled on higher and deeper. Mia concluded that, “The spiritual abuse [at the hands of the church leaders] was worse than the sexual abuse.”

Mia’s husband of ten years was disengaging from their marriage so she reached out to the elders. She had remained silent about the sexual abuse by men within the church for 17 years but now shared her trauma with the elders. As her parents explained, Mia must have had a significant trust in the elders to share her story with them after hiding it in the dark so long.

It was a very important step for Mia if she was to begin healing from the sexual assault.

Not only did she share her story of abuse but, in that time of vulnerability, she confessed her own sinful responses that grew out of those horrifying experiences. Rather than a time of care and redemption, she experienced more shame from the elders. [More on this in a future blog]

In a letter to their daughter, Calvin and Charlotte said, 

“Unfortunately, your experience proved that your elders were not safe. When you told them about the state of your marriage, when you shared the details of your abuse, their response was not to protect and care. Instead, they put the burden of your circumstances back on you.“

One particular elder, when meeting with Mia, was unbelievably harsh with Mia, who had been sexually assaulted by men within the church as a child and had lost her husband and father of her children.

Mia was crying out for help, and the elder “crushed her”.

Mia recounted an exchange she had with this elder in a meeting with two elders of her church. She was humbly describing to them her lack of “Biblical maturity.” She didn’t want them to treat her like a pastor’s daughter. She told them, “I am not here” (using her hand to point up high), “but here,” (then lowering her hand to designate her “lack of maturity”). The elder responded saying, “You’re not even here Mia, you are here,” while pointing to the ground.

Piled higher and deeper.

Qualifications for Elder

In another conversation, the offending elder asked how Mia and her husband were doing following a meeting with the two elders. Mia told him that she had tried talking to her husband and it was no better. At that point she did not know her husband had been having an adulterous affair. The elder responded, “You do talk too much. . . maybe try not talking.”

At every turn the elder turned the responsibility on Mia rather than listening to and supporting her in her pain.

The other elder and church pastor should have taken their shepherding responsibilities seriously. They should have stepped in when they observed and were informed of the offending leader’s harsh and Pharisaical conduct. However, they continued to defend this elder. In addition, an investigative committee from the denomination’s regional organization seemed to suggest begrudgingly that he had failed in his shepherding.

Calvin and Charlotte continue to ask the question why no one was willing to hold the elder accountable for his unkind and hurtful behavior. What did his fellow elders stand to lose?

Form Over Substance

When Mia wrote a letter to the elders sharing her hurt, they did not respond for weeks. After not hearing anything for weeks, Mia, along with another elder brought an additional concern about the offending elder to the church board. When Mia once again received no response, she brought him up on charges to the regional committee with the hope of getting help from the denomination.

Finally responding, the elder board wrote to her saying, “Your filing judicial charges has complicated the matter,” not, “We are so sorry we have failed to support you in your incredible need.”

Rather than share the love of Christ, providing support to receive counseling for her horrible experiences in the church, they began to cross their t’s and dot their i’s. In a letter to Mia they continued to point out that she didn’t follow the church rules in how she brought to their attention the failure of the offending elder’s shepherding.

“It is clear to us that you have misunderstood the nature of personal and non-personal offenses, as well as public and private offenses. First, our Book of Discipline III.4 states, ‘Offenses are either public or private. Public offenses are those which are commonly known.‘”

Elder Board’s letter to Mia

It goes on ad-nauseum. A bunch of gobbledy-gook to distract from the issue at hand and their duties as God’s shepherds.

In addition, Mia said they “threatened to bring charges against” her for writing what she wrote. 

Calvin and Charlotte pointed out to me that they have become convinced that the elders are mostly concerned about “their position, role and status.” They are “puffed up,” as Paul warns Timothy when choosing elders (1 Timothy 3:6).2 As I read their letter and listened to descriptions of meetings with the elders, they seem to be pounding their chests, defending, and justifying their actions rather than humbly seeking to shepherd the flock.

And in their wake they are leaving deeply hurt people of whom the Lord Jesus Christ gave them opportunity to serve.

Again, in their letter to their daughter, Calvin and Charlotte said, “Men, shepherds, leaders in Christ’s body went to great lengths to make sure what truly happened was hidden and, in the process, they attacked you.” They went on to say, “[The elders] would not deal with heart issues and hid behind process.”

Where Do They Go from Here?

When the church “courts” fail to bring justice and mercy and faithfulness in the relationships they are called to provide for, protect, and love, where do you turn?

In the case of these elders, they have done nothing illegal to report to the civil authorities. However, they have clearly failed on many accounts to shepherd the flock of God and should be held accountable. Where can Mia, Calvin, and Charlotte turn to bring that accountability?

Waiting for the Lord to bring vindication certainly is a biblical option (Psalm 135:14). However, doing nothing means the elders will be allowed to continue to mistreat God’s people and diminish the church’s Gospel witness to the community. God continually calls His people to step into the melee and seek justice for the vulnerable [Isaiah 1:16, Proverbs 1:2-3].

In their case, the family has chosen to use social media. When the failures of an elder have destroyed many relationships and the complicity of his fellow leaders are compounding the problems, it is important to bring help to others who are suffering under their leadership. In order to warn others, it may mean bringing in the various types of media.

Again, speaking about leadership in the church, Paul tells his young charge, Timothy,

“Do not admit a charge against an elder except on the evidence of two or three witnesses. As for those who persist in sin, rebuke them in the presence of all, so that the rest may stand in fear.”

1 Timothy 5:19-20 (ESV)

There is a standard for “charging” an elder. When there has been a significant number of broken relationships (“two or three witnesses”) caused by the elder in question, it is time to bring it to the church – to make it public.

How far abroad is it publicized, Paul does not state. He did not have social media in that time. 

But, his letters to various churches were read widely even as they are today in our social media. In more than one place Paul brings to our attention the wickedness of specifically named early church leaders (2 Timothy 4:10, 14). Those men’s names, which appear in Scripture, have gone down in history, having been an example of foolishness and evil to the church for centuries. Those words have been read by millions, if not billions of people.

The “engagements” his words have had far outnumber the most viral post of today’s social media.

Horribly offended members of the church may choose to make known the offenses of a leader in social media, emails, news outlets, or other public places after finding no help from other church leaders. It is my recommendation that, as an advocate, you take a deep breath and walk alongside the abused member to bring accountability to the leader. You may be uncomfortable with broadcasting it far and wide, but the healing of the victims and the accountability of the leader are more important.

The primary goal is love and love demands that an erring leader is brought accountability because scripturally, a leader is held to a higher standard than congregant members (1 Peter 5, James 3:1). It is likely that this is why Scripture holds them to a higher standard. . . from his place of authority and opportunities to teach, the damage he can do goes well beyond the scope of the errors of those under his charge.

Rather than judge the traumatized, seek justice for the oppressed. 

Leaning Into Their Story

Let Calvin, Charlotte, and Mia’s story help us learn how to respond to the deep, deep hurt of those who have faced abuse. Recently, I have had numerous conversations with others who do not know how to engage with someone who has been abused.

So often the trauma from abuse has created incredible physical effects and those who have been abused will often seem crazy as they repeat themselves, mix up facts, and struggle to make sense of their experiences. It isn’t crazy; it is the physical response of the body to protect itself from further harm.

Second, leaders in the church need to learn humility, open their ears. . . and close their mouths. Had Calvin, Charlotte, and Mia’s church leaders considered Jesus’s condemning words to the Pharisees, they may have taken a breath and asked how they could help Mia instead of pulling out their church policy manual (Matthew 23 – nearly the whole chapter).

And finally, church leaders need to realize that they are held to a higher standard of behavior and when they fail over and over and show clear signs of abusive leadership, they should expect their story to go far and wide. . . as well it should.

NOTES:

1 Calvin, Charlotte, and Mia are NOT their real names. Though they were unconcerned having their names published, it is P&S’s desire that there be no distraction from their story. The church denominations that failed them have also been kept anonymous for the same reason. Their story could be told in every denomination, and indeed I have heard these stories in numerous denominations. Lest readers think this could only happen in that denomination, P&S wants them to know it IS happening in their denomination.

2 1 Timothy 3:2-3 says an elder should be of “good behavior, hospitable, able to teach; not given to wine, not violent, not greedy for money, but gentle, not quarrelsome due to the power he possesses.” Several of the items listed by the Apostle Paul are pointed at how the leader is to relate to others. Hospitable, gentle, not quarrelsome, not authoritarian. If a man has significant difficulties with these, he is not qualified to lead in the church.

Accountability Guilt: Jack’s Life in the Wilderness Under Abusive Leadership

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When is enough, enough?

More often than not, leadership abuse survivors struggle with “Accountability Guilt.”

When we were leaving our mission work after nearly eight wonderful years working with our fellow missionaries and our national hosts, we were driven to bring accountability to our toxic leadership.

We knew that they would shift the blame and justify and defend against individual complaints. So, we reached out to approximately fifty missionaries, no longer serving with the mission, requesting that they sign a letter asking the mission board to hear the stories of those who had been wounded by the abusive leadership.

Over forty responded to that call and signed a letter seeking some kind of accountability for the leaders.

From what we have heard, nothing every happened. No interviews. No change in leadership.

Battle Weary

At this point, do you continue to go to battle? Or do you throw up your hands and give it up?

Pastor Jack was hired by a large church in the south to be a church planter in their city.

The trouble began when he interviewed for the position. He and his wife had flown to the city where he spent the first two days in interviews, was given the third to explore the city, and then would preach on Sunday at one of the daughter congregations.

At 6:30 AM on Saturday, the tourist day, Jack and his wife were awoken to his phone ringing. It was Sam, the church’s Executive Pastor. Sam was not ordained to ministry, but acted and was treated like he was a pastor.

Sam asked Jack to meet him in the hotel restaurant for breakfast. Jack was “confused, but jumped in the shower and went down not knowing what to expect.”

After some pleasantries and small talk, Sam “leaned into” Jack and asked, “Do you want this job or not?”

Jack had sought to be humble in his interviews, noting in his answers that if they were to hire him. . . if he were to come. . . But, now that seemed to be turned on him. Later he would piece things together. The Executive Pastor took on an arrogant posture for which Jack wasn’t prepared. Jack explained that it sounded like Sam was saying,

“Hey, we are the pretty girl at the dance! You’ve been in a small town church planting/pastoring for the past seven years and now you have the opportunity of a lifetime. There are men who would do anything to work at [this church]. Do you want this job or not?”

The Executive and Senior Pastors continued to browbeat Jack following his hiring over silly and inconsequential things. They were critical of his preaching. They were critical that he wasn’t getting enough people in the pews. Jack wasn’t a “skilled master builder.”

Whose Ministry?

On Sunday mornings the various campus pastors got together to pray before heading to their various church campuses. On one of those Sundays, Jack’s wife was not feeling well. They had planned a “new comers'” lunch at their home. They held these lunches in their home over a home cooked meal and in a relaxed fellowship setting.

Jack asked the other pastors to pray for his wife. Sam responded by telling him to take them all out to lunch instead of having them into his home. Jack said,

My gut told me that was a bad idea (taking 14 people to a restaurant in the city would be difficult; plus the point of the new comers lunch was to provide a more relaxed environment for getting to know these folks in our home). So I answered Sam back, ‘If we don’t do it today, I’ll reschedule it for next Sunday.’ I used my own discernment.

The next day, Sam came into Jack’s office, sat down, and said, “Jack, what kind of man are you? The man who says, ‘Yes sir,’ or the man who says, ‘F*%# off,’?”

In retrospect, he believes he should have told Sam to never talk to him that way again and put in his two-week notice. He said,

But. . . What was I supposed to do? I had just bought a house in [the city] 6 months prior. The congregation had just started. My kids were in the schools. I felt like I was in a bad marriage. I was trapped.

Another time, the staff was on a retreat for several days. A member of Jack’s congregation had been diagnosed with leukemia and was pregnant. On the second to last day of the retreat, Jack was informed the family had lost their baby. He decided that he leave the retreat early and minister to the family.

Rather than encourage Jack in his ministry to this hurting family, the pastors took affront. Jack explained,

“Later the next week, I was called into Sam’s office and [the Senior Pastor] and Sam said, ‘Jack, you thought it was pretty important to leave the staff retreat early.’ I was stunned and didn’t know what to say. I was sitting there thinking, ‘Someone’s baby just died and you are chewing me out for leaving the staff retreat a day early?’ Later the next year, the woman with leukemia also died.”

A Better Place

The arrogant, harsh, and authoritarian treatment Jack received under Sam and the Senior Pastor in the end drove him out. He said,

“I do know this. [The church] was a confusing wilderness for me. And in the wilderness, Jesus did an amazing work of grace in my life. I am a better pastor because of my time at [the church]. But not because [it] was a healthy place that taught me how to be a pastor. It was because [the church] was an unhealthy place and taught me how NOT to be a pastor.”

Fortunately, the Lord has given him a much better place for ministry. Jack’s new church has loved him, cared for his family, and encouraged his gifting as a pastor. He is in a new place without bitterness or anger.

The Question Remains

However, the question remains: Does Jack have a moral duty to continue seeking accountability for his pastors?

Jack sent a letter to his denomination’s regional council suggesting there be interviews of others who have been wounded by Sam and his former Pastor. And he would like for these two men to be challenged by the words of those interviewed:

Ideally, I would love to see those two men really listen to my story and the stories of others. And as they listen, I would like them to say nothing. Just listen. And then after some time to reflect on how much they wounded those that were under their authority, how big the debris field of pain and confusion that they left, I would like their hearts to be softened, to be warmed by the grace, the love, the kindness, and the gentleness of Jesus for them. My hope is that when the Lord works His grace in their hearts, they would then respond by repenting for specific sins and asking for my forgiveness, which I have already extended to them in my own heart.

from a letter to the regional council

The regional council responded to his letter, having spoken to the pastor, and asked for Jack to sit down with the pastor and two member of the council to talk about his experience.

The pastor sent an “apology” to Jack. The letter was less than a page long and included a very general apology. At first Jack was encouraged by the words from his former boss. But, as he considered what repentance should look like from abusive authority, he began to question the wisdom of going back into the fray with his pastor.

It is the same ol’ struggle. Are we to continue pursuing the steps of Matthew 18 until there is resolution at the highest levels of church authority?

As I have written many times, our responsibility in following Jesus’ words in Matthew 18 at times end with Jesus’ words in Matthew 7:6. Jack has taken numerous steps – one-on-one and with those of higher authority – to bring accountability. But, if there is “danger” in continuing to confront the pastor, he is free to move on and allow those in higher authority to do their job.

It is indeed the council’s job to bring accountability to the pastor as his ruling authority. The question now becomes,

Will those with the authority to act on the employment of a wicked leader take their responsibilities seriously?

Nebuchadnezzar and [un]Humble Leadership

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Humble leadership is the best.

It doesn’t matter if you follow Christ or are an atheist.

Humble leadership works best.

Jim Collins, author of Good to Great, explained that his study of top rated corporations showed humility and an attitude of service by corporate CEOs were important components of the company’s successful productivity. What he called, the “level 5 leader” was “an individual who blends extreme personal humility with intense professional will.”[1]

Collins noted that they are generally very driven and visionary. BUT, they are also humble. That, it seems, is an unusual combination.

Collins was writing to the general business world. . . not Christian leadership. And yet, this kind of leadership is exactly what we find taught in Scripture.

Nebuchadnezzar’s Folly

Recently, I was reading in Daniel and came across this helpful passage for those who want to lead well:

All this came upon King Nebuchadnezzar. At the end of twelve months he was walking on the roof of the royal palace of Babylon, and the king answered and said, “Is not this great Babylon, which I have built by my mighty power as a royal residence and for the glory of my majesty?” While the words were still in the king’s mouth, there fell a voice from heaven, “O King Nebuchadnezzar, to you it is spoken: The kingdom has departed from you, and you shall be driven from among men, and your dwelling shall be with the beasts of the field. And you shall be made to eat grass like an ox, and seven periods of time shall pass over you, until you know that the Most High rules the kingdom of men and gives it to whom he will.” Immediately the word was fulfilled against Nebuchadnezzar.

Daniel 4:28-33

Prior to this event, the king had a dream that was interpreted by Daniel, a servant (though high-ranking) in the king’s house. Daniel did not want to share the interpretation with King Nebuchadnezzar as it was not good news and that could be dangerous for him as a servant.

Daniel warned that the King would be made to be like a beast in the field though at the time he was exceedingly powerful.

Therefore, O king, let my counsel be acceptable to you: break off your sins by practicing righteousness, and your iniquities by showing mercy to the oppressed, that there may perhaps be a lengthening of your prosperity.”

Daniel 4:27 (ESV)

Over the next year, the King apparently refused these prophetic words from Daniel. He began to see his power as his own…having come from his own hands. Maybe he saw his giftedness as a leader and became intoxicated by it. Maybe he saw that whatever he commanded to be done was done by others and became toxic in his entitlement.

So, rather than seeing all that he had as a gift, he stood arrogantly over his minions and proclaimed his power and majesty.

Believe Their Own Press

I saw this kind of transformation of missionaries in African nations where they were shown such deference by the nationals that over time they took for granted they were as great as they thought. They began more and more believing their own press. And they began “lording it over” the nationals just as Jesus warned His disciples not to do [Mark 10:42].

What I want readers to see is that these kinds of [un]humble leaders never end well. That might be hyperbole but, in my own research and experience, it has been consistent. Whether it is their ministry being stripped from them or an early death or catostrophic moral failure. It does not end well for them or their ministry.

It may take time for the arrogance and entitlement of leaders to catch up with them, but it is only a sign that the Lord is very patient and longsuffering.

We have seen multitudes of Christian, business, and political leaders fall in the past few years. Nearly every one can be described as narcissistic, arrogant, abusive, and/or criminal.

What is the solution?

Humility.

At the end of King Nebuchadnezzar’s fall from leadership he said the following:

At the end of the days I, Nebuchadnezzar, lifted my eyes to heaven, and my reason returned to me, and I blessed the Most High, and praised and honored him who lives forever…

Daniel 4:34

The king looked up. He recognized his lowly place despite likely being treated as the king of the world. He saw that the Lord is enthroned above him and rules over him and gave him all that he had.

Humility.

Humble leadership is the best.

[1] James C. Collins, Good to Great: Why Some Companies Make the Leap–and Others Don’t, 1st edition (New York: HarperBusiness, 2001), 21.

Shouts of Gladness

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When it goes well with the righteous, the city rejoices,
and when the wicked perish there are shouts of gladness.

Proverbs 11:10 (ESV)

A number of years ago I heard the story of an abusive husband who had passed away in an accident. His wife had suffered years of abuse at his hands. He was praised by his church at the funeral (as would be expected) and she suffered the continued hurt in silence.

And, a number of years ago, I heard of a Christian mission leader who passed away. The leader was abusive to both the nationals and to missionaries. Those who had suffered under his leadership continued the suffering of seeing that leader praised in social media.

In interviews with those who have suffered under abusive leadership of Christian organizations, this is so often their story. Particularly, if the leader’s abuse has not been widely known. The abuse they received at the leader’s hands is now heaped upon them by unsuspecting supporters who are more concerned for the dead than the living.

Different Kind of Sin

I have heard them share that as missionaries they would advise other missionaries when they would come to them for advice on how to respond to some ill-treatment they had received from their leaders.

They would say, “The leader is a sinner like you. . . give her some grace. It is their mission, they can do what they wish with it.“

They so often wish they could take back those comments.

First, what I have learned from Scripture is that on the contrary, they are not sinners just like us.

There is a wickedness that goes beyond the common sin of those willing to admit the sin and repent of it. When a Christian leader is lying and manipulating and harsh, and when confronted, justifying and blame-shifting, there is a deeper sin problem. When there is a pattern of abusive behavior their sin is more heinous because of the destruction they cause.

David spoke of the depth of this depravity in Psalm 55 and it can be seen in other “imprecatory” Psalms.

Second, a ministry is never in the ownership of the leader.

Ministries are, according to Scripture, to be directed and “owned” by the Lord. If a leader is abusing his authority, his is to be held accountable by the Lord, and if possible by the church.

The Lord Relieves the Oppressed

It takes a long time to heal from the treatment that employees of Christian organizations, led by abusive leaders, have faced.

The Proverb above describes how they feel. They may feel freed and joyful that the Lord has taken an abusive leader home that others may be relieved of his torment. Some subordinates of abusive leaders have been praying for years that the leader be held accountable for the horribly broken relationships he has caused. One missionary told me he was “sick of watching all the missionaries sent home in body bags.”

Desiring the fall of an abusive leader is not vindictive or hateful, as I read in one post. It is expressing love for those who are suffering under their wickedness. It is looking out for and desiring the truth to set captives of their evil free.

The leader may be a Christian who is now enjoying the presence of the Lord and has been cleansed of all his sin. Those who have served under him can look forward to seeing him, having been cleansed by the blood of Jesus Christ and rejoicing together that their hope and freedom was in Jesus, not in the works they did.

I pray for the healing of those who are rejoicing in the death of the wicked, that they would know rest in the Lord that is neither vindictive, nor bitter. May they know a rejoicing that there are those who have been freed from suffering at the hands of their wicked leader.