Monthly Archives: July 2024

Saul’s False Apology: Seeking Repentance from an Abuser

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Recently, a survivor of domestic violence shared an apology letter her abuser had written to her. It sounded pretty good.

But, as most who have dealt with an abuser, she was not taken in by the carefully chosen sweet words.

In 1st Samuel 26 we see a false apology by King Saul.

Then Saul said, “I have sinned. Return, my son David, for I will no more do you harm, because my life was precious in your eyes this day. Behold, I have acted foolishly, and have made a great mistake.”

1 Samuel 26:21

Saul had been chasing David seeking to kill him. In this passage, David has snuck up on King Saul, giving David the opportunity to end the chase by killing Saul. But rather than killing Saul, he gave him opportunity to repent of his evil.

Saul seems deeply moved by David’s grace and admits he acted foolishly.

Sounds good, but it is a much harder thing to say, “I envied you, David. I had hatred in my heart for you. I desired your death.”

Each of the italicized words are heart words. They are the spring from which grow the evil fruit we all produce. These come from the heart; and what I mean by heart is the whole of the inner man—cognitive and emotive.

But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person. For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander.

Matthew 15:18-19 (ESV)

Out of the depths of man come the evil we act upon.

So, when an apology is made for actions that have crushed others, it is appropriate for the apology to give attention to from where that evil action came. “I was chasing you, David because I was envious and hateful.”

“I was harsh with my Assistant Pastor because I envied his skills.”

The Difficulty of Real Apologies

The reason we don’t hear real apologies is because it is very hard to give them.

To bring our inner evil to light just takes too much humility and self-awareness. Imagine an abusive leader whose entitlement and power is so much of their substance and identity; how can they humbly admit to such wickedness?

It is difficult for the average Joe. Just imagine how difficult it is for the one who is so unwilling to dive deeply into his own heart and air out the stench contained there.

It is interesting, as you read on in 1st Samuel; David is not taken in by Saul’s apology. The text goes on to record David’s thoughts:

“Now I shall perish one day by the hand of Saul. There is nothing better for me than that I should escape to the land of the Philistines.”

1 Samuel 27:1

There is more than one place where David shows his insight to Saul’s wickedness. I wrote earlier about how Jonathan—Saul’s son—was taken in by Saul’s apologies. But David is not.

What Are We to Do?

There is One Who is omniscient—the Lord God Almighty. He knows the heart—the whole inner being of man—and He knows whether or not an apology is truly from the heart.

Because of that, we must not make judgments beyond what is clearly evident. Though we make judgments of the heart on a regular basis—our laws are in part based on them (1st degree murder as opposed to manslaughter) —it is something we must do carefully and with good evidence in hand. Yes, we can logically assume when someone does great evil, that since great evil comes out of the heart, there is great evil intended.

Yet, because there can be unintended evil actions and therefore, not coming from evil intent, we cannot ultimately be perfect judges of inner character. We are not omniscient and do not fully see the inner man.

Give it Time

Therefore I recommend the following perspectives to those who have received apologies from their toxic leader:

  1. It might be true,
  2. or it might be false,
  3. we are not omniscient,
  4. so it does not change anything,
  5. and to know the answer to 1) or 2) it takes time for the fruit of repentance to be evident.

Numbers one, two, and three are obvious; it is only God who knows the heart and so we cannot ultimately—in this life—know if an apology is truly true or not. Though Scripture makes clear that Christians may make some judgments based on the outward works of others (Matt. 12:33-37), it also makes clear we must be very, very careful doing so (Jam. 4:12).

We must not claim omniscience.

So, an apology initially does not really change anything.

We do not know for certain that the abusive individual is truly confessing his sin or simply trying to manipulate his victims, those to whom they are accountable, and/or onlookers. So, we must continue to press forward with what we believe the LORD is calling us to do in the meantime.

Leaders should not be placed back on their platform until their apparent repentance becomes true repentance. That takes time; so give it time.

Because we do not know the heart of the abuser, and we have suffered great harm, it is acting responsibly to be wary of their confession. It is certainly reasonable to accept it as given, while unnecessary to proclaim they have repented and place ourselves under their control prematurally.

Get to a safe place, and give it time for the fruit of repentance to be evident—or not.

Too Close: Lessons from Jonathan on Blindness in Abuse

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I remember hearing the story of an intervention. Fred, the brother of Susan had become an alcoholic and Susan was asked by Fred’s wife to intervene along with a couple of Fred’s brothers. Susan and her brothers lovingly went to Fred. Before they did, a counselor advised them that they would likely become the objects of scorn by Fred’s wife who was asking for the intervention.

It was a strange prophecy. And yet, it came true. Following the intervention—and Fred’s subsequent getting free from his addiction—the small intervention group was disdained by Fred’s wife.

The story was shocking to me. But this is actually a common problem. I have heard similar stories since.

Those who are close to the abuser often fail to see or understand it fully. It makes intervention a difficult and frustrating work even as the addict’s closest friends or family ask for the intervention.

Jonathan, the Example

Jonathan provides one such example, though he proved to truly be a help and solace to his friend David in the end.

In 1st Samuel 20, David had become a hero in Israel, having been wildly successful in his battles with the Philistines. The people would sing songs of praise to him—often comparing him to King Saul:

Saul has struck down his thousands,
and David his ten thousands.

1 Samuel 18:7b

Saul’s jealousy—displayed in chapter after chapter—drives him to madness. Saul is the typical toxic leader. He is one of the very best (worst) examples in Scripture (see here).

In chapter 20, David has once again fled from King Saul. He has been anointed King of Israel, but is not in a place to take the throne. David meets with his best friend, and soul mate, Jonathan and asks him, “What have I done? What is my guilt? And what is my sin before your father [Saul], that he seeks my life?”

Jonathan is agast at David’s question. “Far from it! You shall not die,” he replied. Jonathan cannot imagine his father, Saul doing such a thing and in fact explains he has great confidence that his father would take Jonathan into his confidence if he were seeking David’s life (1 Sam. 20:2).

He cannot see the abuse.

When my wife and I were on the mission field, we were “wined and dined” by our mission leaders for the first several years. We enjoyed meals with the Ambassador (a friend of the mission leaders), trips to an exclusive hotel on the lake, and special praise for the work we were doing.

When others came to us to complain of mistreatment we would pass it off as their inability—just personality differences—to “get along” with the leaders. We didn’t have that problem, so obviously it was primarily the missionary’s fault.

The Test

David pressed the point with Jonathan. So, rather than completely ignore David’s anxiety, Jonathan listened and followed David’s plan to determine if Saul was really toxic.

Jonathan was to attend a multi-day feast with his father and when his father asked where David was, Jonathan was to tell him David was performing sacrifices in his home town of Bethlehem. David was expected to be at the feast and was sure Saul would want to know—since Saul was a toxic leader.

If Saul responded badly, then Jonathan would know that David’s assessment of Saul’s leadership abuse was accurate. The two of them then came up with a plan for getting the results of the test to David covertly.

I want to quote the results in full as it is an extraordinary response by Saul. It is striking that Jonathan didn’t foresee it coming because it is so extreme:

Then Saul’s anger was kindled against Jonathan, and he said to him, “You son of a perverse, rebellious woman, do I not know that you have chosen the son of Jesse to your own shame, and to the shame of your mother’s nakedness? 31 For as long as the son of Jesse lives on the earth, neither you nor your kingdom shall be established. Therefore send and bring him to me, for he shall surely die.” 32 Then Jonathan answered Saul his father, “Why should he be put to death? What has he done?” 33 But Saul hurled his spear at him to strike him. So Jonathan knew that his father was determined to put David to death. 34 And Jonathan rose from the table in fierce anger and ate no food the second day of the month, for he was grieved for David, because his father had disgraced him.

1 Samuel 20:30-34

Wow. Really?

Of course, Saul’s threats and emotional abuse are mixed with supposed concern for Jonathan— “neither you or your kingdom shall be established” —but it is shocking to see such horrific abuse. And shocking that Jonathan didn’t seem to have a clue before this event.

The Bite of Betrayal

So too, many who are close to the abusive leader—relatives or employees or CEOs—will fail to see the abuse by choice, self-protection, ignorance, or simply haven’t seen it in action. Until we were the objects of our leaders’ abuses we failed to receive reports of the abuse well. We deeply regret those days and failed counseling attempts.

This is a call to all who name the Name of Christ to hear, receive, and stand by targets of leadership abuse. Though the leader may be a friend or boss or coworker, understand abuse and be willing to see it and call it what it is. Then, do not fight against those who are trying to bring accountability though it may cause you some discomfort.

And to those advocates who receive the brunt of the frustration and hurt from those who are close to the abuser, press on without bearing anger or bitterness. It is a hard place to attempt to stand in the gap and then to be treated badly by those for whom you stood.

It may help to remember two things: It is not uncommon and you can expect some pushback. Secondly, know that the inner circle of the abusive leader may simply need more time to process the destruction their boss has caused. It is not easy to see the forest for the trees.

Give grace and give time. And stand firm.

Fret Not for Vindication: Be Still and Wait Patiently

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Those of us who have faced abusive leadership in the home or workplace know the ever-present desire for validation and vindication. We want others to stand beside us, seeing our hurt, and for the abusive individual to be judged—in either God’s court or human courts.

Like the writers of many of the psalms in Scripture, we can go a long time waiting for either of these outcomes.

King David knew the hatred of men. He spoke of a close friend whose

speech was smooth as butter,
yet war was in his heart;
his words were softer than oil,
yet they were drawn swords.

Psalms 55:21 (ESV)

That one who was intimate with him—he shared in “sweet counsel” with him—was deceptive and hateful.

I am sure that David wanted immediate wrath. He wanted justice done. And yet, he wrote a psalm that pushes pause.

Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way,
over the man who carries out evil devices!
8 Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath!
Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil.
9 For the evildoers shall be cut off,
but those who wait for the LORD shall inherit the land.

Psalms 37:7-9 (ESV)1

Be still.

Fret not.

Refrain from anger.

Wait for the LORD.

It is evident in the psalm that the victim of the wicked will have his day. “. . . there is a future for the man of peace.” But, “transgressors shall be altogether destroyed; the future of the wicked shall be cut off.”

Vindication will come, but now is a time of patience and stillness. We are called to refrain from the debilitating curse of stewing in anger and trust the LORD, who will judge with righteousness.

Not an Easy Task

But of course, saying it does not make it so.

Whoever wrote Psalm 119 knew this:

How long must your servant endure?
When will you judge those who persecute me?

Psalms 119:84 (ESV)

How long? When?

There is no need to beat yourself up over the feelings of hurt, distrust, and impatience. God’s people have from time past suffered the same feelings of dispair. Some of that hurt is encapsalated in God’s Word as an example to us.

Where to Turn

The same writer of Psalms 119 tells us in every verse (except one) that we turn to His Word—in New Testament fulfillment, Jesus—for the healing of those hurts and the patience to endure.

My soul melts away for sorrow;
strengthen me according to your word!

Psalms 119:28 (ESV)

I am melting. But I am God’s child. I am blessed with all the heavenly blessings (Eph. 1:3).

Though I do not feel it at the moment, I know it to be true because Jesus told me so. I can rest in His promise, though I cannot see ten feet in front of me.

Even though the board of directors ignores my plea to bring accountability to the CEO. Even though the church elders do not see the abuse the pastor is heaping upon his flock. Even though the judge fails to take into account the damage my husband has been inflicting upon my soul.

Jesus loves His little children . . . and His justice will prevail.

Be still.

Fret not.

Wait on the LORD.

For the evildoers shall be cut off, but those who wait for the LORD shall inherit the land.

NOTES

  1. For those of you interested in further study in Psalm 37, this is a very good article on the Hebrew of Psalm 37 passed on by a friend of Pearls and Swine: https://tyndalehouse.com/explore/articles/reading-the-psalms-in-hebrew/ ↩︎

What if a Leader were to Boast in Weaknesses?

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Have you ever seen a leader boast in his weaknesses?

First of all, in his job interview he shared all the amazing leadership qualities he possesses and all the victories on the field of organizational management he attained.

And second, all those followers must be given confidence in his acuity and wisdom.

So, what if a leader boasted in his weaknesses?

The Apostle Paul, one of the greatest leaders of the world-wide Christian church said,

Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

2 Cor 12:7-9

Paul filled a significant amount of the New Testament with his writing . . . but he never had a press secretary or agent.

We live in a marketing-rich environment. The purveyors of product hype bludgeon us with their images and words through every form of communication—and there are many forms of communication nowadays.

It is taken for granted that even within Christianity, founded upon the testimonies of people like Paul, to reach a world lost in sin our churches and Christian organizations must boast rather in our strengths; our programs, our giving, our service to our communities; it is church-growth 101.

But what if our leaders boasted in their weakness?

Well, then I guess Christ’s strength would rest on them.

Maybe it would show that we are a broken and needy people and that Christ is our Savior in all ways.

It could possibly show that we depend on the One Who created us in His image.

And maybe, in so doing, our LORD would take care of the rest.

Humility

I have written often about humility (here, here, and here). Humility is a key ingredient to good leadership and noticeably lacking in toxic leadership. Humility is necessary if we are to “boast in our weakness.”

In my years of research, interviews, and experience, it is humility that is the game-changer every time. I hear sufferers of toxic leadership use the term or synonyms all the time. It is the difference between a good leader and a bad leader. It is the difference between a toxic leader and a godly leader.

Quite frankly, it is the difference between a pleasant person and a rotten person.

Christopher Hutchinson wrote,

“I believe humility to be at the very heart of Christian faith and even to be the best paradigm of all proper thought regarding God, oneself, and others.”1

Amy Edmondson argues that humility is not something that comes easily for those who are in high positions.2 When looking down on subordinates, receiving their praise and accolades, even the humblest can begin to believe his own press. Christian leadership requires an attitude and action of a servant on behalf of those who are subordinate. Leaders must go beyond their own comfort and needs, setting aside the world’s motivations of ego, money, and pride, as Maxwell notes.3

But “lording it over” others, as Jesus says, is a basic temptation for Christian leaders (Matt. 20:25) as it is for anyone else. Edmondson says, “It can be hard for people to muster both the humility and the genuine curiosity that is needed to really learn from others.”4 It is humility that makes it possible for us to learn, and this is foundational to the work of a team whether on the sports field, in the rehearsal hall, secular corporation, or Christian ministry.

So, what if a leader boasted in his or her weaknesses? What if they gathered up the humility to proclaim their weakness and their need for Jesus Christ? Rather than continually defending themselves and blaming others, our leaders admitted failure and sought forgiveness and reconciliation?

Maybe, “Christ’s strength would rest on” them.

References

  1. Christopher Hutchinson, Rediscovering Humility: Why the Way Up Is Down (Kindle: New Growth Press, 2018), loc. 280. ↩︎
  2. Amy C. Edmondson, Teaming: How Organizations Learn, Innovate, and Compete in the Knowledge Economy, 1st  edition (San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass, 2012), 62. ↩︎
  3. John C. Maxwell, “Reflections on Challenge the Process,” pp. 71–84 in Christian Reflections on The Leadership Challenge, edited by James M. Kouzes and Barry Z. Posner, 1st edition (San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass, 2006), 72. ↩︎
  4. Amy C. Edmondson, Teaming: How Organizations Learn, Innovate, and Compete in the Knowledge Economy, 1st  edition (San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass, 2012), 62. ↩︎