Monthly Archives: September 2017

Belly to Belly, Cheek to Cheek

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“But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. To one who strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also, and from one who takes away your cloak do not withhold your tunic either.” Luke 6:27-29 (ESV) 

Oh, if only Jesus stopped at “pray for those who abuse you.” That would have worked for me. Easy to interpret. Not necessarily easy to implement, but at least doable to some degree on the horizon.

When a boss abuses his authority by harassing, demeaning, overly controlling, and taking credit for the work of his subordinates, he certainly can be classified as an “enemy.” His hatred is evident in his actions against his employees.

In this context, how should the target of a supervisor’s abuse “love” him, “do good” to him, and “bless” him? I would suggest Jesus is giving examples of the principle Paul stated elsewhere that we are not to “repay . . . evil for evil.”

Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. 

[Romans 12:17 (ESV)]

Rather than strike the abuser back in like manner— “strike on the cheek” —we are to actually return “good” for the evil they perpetrate.

It Gets Tricky

It gets more tricky at this point. If it just meant we are to go about our business and continue to be beat up by the boss, taking it on the cheek, it would be a simple, ethical, decision-making process. However, this does not jibe with the rest of scripture.

Passages such as Matthew 18, that call the Christian to a confrontational response to sin, would suggest that turning the cheek is not meant as pacifistic. Therefore, I would suggest Jesus is calling his people to not respond in kind. We do not respond abusively to the abuser. We do not slap them back on their cheek metaphorically or otherwise. We respond in love as the beginning of our passage states.

But, love is not mamby-pamby. Love involves looking out for the other’s good. In this context, it is calling the toxic boss to repentance. What is “good” for him is that he turn from his sin and seek forgiveness.

Bringing a toxic boss to repentance normally takes accountability, not a sweet talking to.

His self-interest either needs to be appealed to (It will go better for you if you stop harassing your subordinates), needs to be threatened with consequences by someone in authority, or he needs to be fired.

As abusers are not known for considering the feelings of others[1] appealing to their compassionate side will not work. They do not have one of those sides.

Make no mistake, this is love bringing them to account. God brings judgment and condemnation on those who oppress others. This was on the list of top reasons for Israel and Judah being sent into exile by Yahweh [Amos 4:1]. For the abusive boss to come to repentance, he will need the loving actions of the oppressed, and those who will stand with them, to bring them to accountability.

But, again it is not fighting fire with fire, cheek for cheek. It is lovingly seeking out ways to bring them under accountability.

NOTES

[1] Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (Berkley Books, 2002), 64.

Living in Liberty: Standing Firm

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Recently, I enjoyed a good conversation with a new friend. It was an unusual conversation for me in that I spoke very little. John (not his real name) shared with me about his experiences with toxic leaders. His experiences were quite different from others I have heard.

Most of my conversations about abusive leaders are with those who have been traumatized by the toxic leader. What was unique was that he has often been the one standing up for others who have been abused, rather than being the target. John’s demeanor could be described as “gutsy.”

I called him gutsy more than once in the 45-minute conversation. He has shown extraordinary self-differentiation in standing against powerful people. What I believed to be underlying his self-differentiation was that he repeatedly went back to Galatians 5:1.

“For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.”

He noted that people fail to stand up to abusive bosses because they fear the consequences of their actions. They believe they will become even more of a target of the supervisor’s abuse or possibly even fired. Many report they are fearful of leaving their current position without a good reference as they seek further employment and so do not want to be in conflict with their boss. For these reasons and more, they remain in bondage to a job and boss that causes them emotional and often, physical harm.

However, John was adamant that it is “enslavement to their work that keeps [them] from speaking up.” He finds it inexplicable that “in America we are in the land of the free and home of the brave, but when [a worker’s] liberty is at stake they fail to exercise their liberty.”

John readily noted in an email to me that “the traumatic effects on people subject to abusive environments are long lasting,” and added, “I don’t know how those affected cope with it.” He described multiple situations where friends were deeply traumatized. One suffered so much emotional trauma by an employer, she has had to endure multiple surgeries for physical maladies he believes to have been brought on by the abuse.

But, he said, “These very bad experiences and outcomes are why toxic leadership and environments must not be allowed to prevail.” His numerous experiences in confronting toxic leaders provide a wealth of helpful guidance for those feeling caught in work environments full of toxins. I would summarize his advice in two ways:

  • Rely on Christ. Our identity is not in the particular work position we hold and toxic work environments are not worthy of holding us enslaved. Therefore, do not fear standing up to the abusive leader if Christ is directing you this way. Jesus is more than able to take care of your needs, including, but not limited to providing a new job! “Not everyone can, but God will help those who speak up for the right.”

  • Know the leader’s toxins and do all you can to bring others into your band of confronters. John noted that normally toxic leaders “leave a trail of destruction in their wake” and your task is to find those who have been run over and share the burden of confrontation together. It is helpful for the organization to see (and hear) that the boss is hurting the productivity and vision of the organization from many under the toxic boss’ leadership.

John is clearly a curve breaker. He has had extraordinary success in confronting the evil of toxic bosses. He described multiple experiences where the toxins were neutralized and the abused won the day. The targets remained in their positions unlike what statistics tell us to expect.[1] The percentages for this success are extraordinarily low, yet John has marched into several manager’s offices and explained clearly their failings in caring for their employees. As he said, “People always have a dignity. Organizations are not to mistreat their workers.”

John expects bosses to recognize and practice these Biblical truths and will continue to stand up for the rights of the oppressed.

NOTES

[1] Gary Namie, “2014 WBI U.S. Workplace Bullying Survey,” Workplace Bullying Institute, accessed November 1, 2016, http://www.workplacebullying.org. According to the survey, only 15% of the bullies lost their job and 61% of the targets lost theirs.

Trauma by Swine #3: Looking for Healing

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Note: This blog is the third in a series seeking ways for people, who have been traumatized by toxic leaders, to find healing in Christ’s love through the church.

The fear that many experience as they come face-to-face with an abusive leader can create different reactions. Psychologists often talk of “fight, flight, or freeze” reflexes. God has given us a built-in mechanism in our brain that helps us respond to dangerous situations – physical or emotional.

An understanding of what is happening in the brain when faced with trauma is opening fascinating avenues of healing.

For over 100 years, scientists have been studying the effects trauma has on the brain. PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) was diagnosed and named during wartimes in the past century. [Being that this is not a science blog, I won’t go into detail explaining the affects trauma has on the brain. Instead, you can read a wonderful text by Bessel van der Kolk, quoted in the last blog on this topic (and multiple times below).]

Coping

The brokenness of this world, due to the sin of our first parents and our subsequent sin, has provided an open invitation to scientists with a passion for understanding the human condition to research trauma. Kolk has years and clinical study after clinical study under his belt which provide insight into how trauma victims have been damaged and survived.

The brain must take extraordinary measures to keep on an even keel when facing the barrage of abuse. He explains in his book, “The Body Keeps the Score” that he marvels at the resiliency of trauma survivors “and every one of their stories inspires awe at how people cope.”[1]

But, those measures often include difficult, relational consequences. Kolk says:

“Having been exposed to family violence as a child often makes it difficult to establish stable, trusting relationships as an adult.”[2]

One victim of abuse, with whom I spoke, found it difficult to work in ministry with someone who, though not considered very difficult by others, was unbearable for her. She described the “flashbacks” she would have when the co-worker showed the slightest amount of controlling behavior.

Kolk goes on to say,

“While we all want to move beyond trauma, the part of our brain that is devoted to ensuring our survival is not very good at denial. Long after a traumatic experience is over, it may be reactivated at the slightest hint of danger and mobilize disturbed brain circuits and secrete massive amounts of stress hormones.”[3]

Often, we believe we can simply “think through” the issue and overcome the irrational emotions with which we struggle. He notes, a brain subjected to trauma, will continue to react to “triggers” no matter how much thinking about it one does.

When the alarm bell of the emotional brain keeps signaling that you are in danger, no amount of insight will silence it. I am reminded of the comedy in which a seven-time recidivist in an anger-management program extols the virtue of the techniques he’s learned: “They are great and work terrific — as long as you are not really angry.”[4]

As we engage those who have faced trauma we need to keep this in mind. Suggesting their feelings do not make sense or worse, are “stupid,” does nothing to help trauma survivors. As noted in the first blog, having a safe place to talk about their experience is an important first step in healing. And demeaning their “emotional” responses is not helpful to their healing process.

Diagnosing Ourselves

It is helpful for those who have suffered significant abuse by leaders to consider how they are responding to relationships with others as well as with their own bodies. Knowing that trauma can both affect relationships with people and the victim’s physical health can help drive them to seek professional help.

Those who have been traumatized may seem always “stuck in the past” …experiencing flashbacks or unwanted emotional reactions to small things. However, it also affects the present, as Kolk notes:

“Being traumatized is not just an issue of being stuck in the past; it is just as much a problem of not being fully alive in the present.”[5]

Those who continue battling the feelings they feel, yet see little change in their reactions to situations others have no difficulty with, often are “traumatized by subsequent experiences.” They often repeat relationships with other abusers.[6] Maybe the belief that psychology is “unspiritual” or embarrassing keeps targets from seeking help of the sort Kolk would recommend.

However, the effects of trauma can be long-term and continue to plague the victim, deeply affecting relationships with those whom they love and even their physical health.

Seemingly unrelated medical issues can actually be results of the reactions the brain is having to the trauma.

There are many therapies that have proven effective in reorienting the working of the brain that men and women, gifted by God in their study in neuroscience, have discovered. Though there is so much more to be learned, God is working through His creation to bring healing to victims of abusive leaders sorely needed in His church.

NOTES:

[1] Bessel van der Kolk MD, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma, 1st ed. (New York: Penguin Books, 2014), Kindle Locations 5245-5246.

[2] Ibid., Kindle Locations 227-228.

[3] Ibid., Kindle Locations 231-233.

[4] Ibid., Kindle Locations 1297-1302.

[5] Ibid., Kindle Locations 4174-4175.

[6] Ibid., Kindle Locations 2286-2287.