Tag Archives: Abuse

Insolent Opponents: Can Toxic Leaders Change?

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Like in domestic abuse research, there is debate as to the malleability of abusive people in leadership.

I would guess that in most people’s experience, there is little hope for such change.

In my own experience and stories that I have heard, there is little expectation for transformation in abusive leadership. In fact, I am presently in the midst of a book research project that focuses on those cases where the leader is fully entrenched in his toxic leadership.

However, in leadership research, there is article after article describing remedies to “bad” leaders. There have indeed been leaders who were toxic and yet were transformed apparently by these various remedies.

Malleability

It leaves us with a question: What does it take for an entitled, self-centered, abusive individual to transform from the ugly duckling into a prince—sorry, those are probably two different stories.

Scripture describes some of these leaders:

Answer not a fool according to his folly,
lest you be like him yourself.
5 Answer a fool according to his folly,
lest he be wise in his own eyes.
Proverbs 26:4-5 (ESV)

“Do not give dogs what is holy, and do not throw your pearls before pigs, lest they trample them underfoot and turn to attack you.”
Matthew 7:6 (ESV)

Whoever corrects a scoffer gets himself abuse,
and he who reproves a wicked man incurs injury.
Do not reprove a scoffer, or he will hate you;
reprove a wise man, and he will love you.
Proverbs 9:7-8 (ESV)

Drive out a scoffer, and strife will go out,
and quarreling and abuse will cease.
Proverbs 22:10 (ESV)

These passages present hopeless situations and if you listen to the stories of those who have suffered under toxic leadership—you can find many of those stories on this site—you will hear that hurt and anquish of hopelessness. It is frustrating, infuriating, and crushing to face such deeply entitled and arrogant people.

There really is no hope . . .

but for the grace of God.

God’s Grace

What follows is not a call to just give these leaders a break—live with their injustices—but in fact a recognition that our holding them accountable may be an important part of their change, not just our safety.

The Apostle Paul wrote to Timothy around 65 AD. Timothy was pastoring a church in Ephesus and Paul was his mentor.

Near the beginning of his first letter to Timothy, Paul describes his own background. It is for the purpose of encouraging Timothy that the Lord of heaven and earth is working in people to transform them—even the worst of sinners as Paul describes himself (1 Timothy 1:15).

I thank him who has given me strength, Christ Jesus our Lord, because he judged me faithful, appointing me to his service, 13 though formerly I was a blasphemer, persecutor, and insolent opponent. But I received mercy because I had acted ignorantly in unbelief, 14 and the grace of our Lord overflowed for me with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. 15 The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost.
1 Timothy 1:12-15 (ESV)

Paul was a mean guy. He was driven by a toxic form of religion to destroy rather than to build. He took Phariseeism to a new height of noxiousness. Whereas many Pharisees saw themselves as above everyone else—more knowledgeable, wise, and powerful—Paul took it on the road to destroy those who were lesser . . . specifically those who named the name of Christ.

Insolent Opponent

Paul uses a particular term in this passage that sets him apart from other people— “insolent opponent.”

This term (ὑβριστής) means, an “insulter, maltreater, despiteful, injurious, uplifted with pride, either heaps insulting language upon others or does them some shameful act of wrong” (Strongs Dictionary).

Pretty harsh words. And yet, they are not spoken of someone else. They are Paul’s words for Paul. He was that man.

Clearly, he is a changed man. Of course, he is still sinful and describes that experience in depth in Romans 7. Despite having been an arrogant, driven, noxious individual, he is now humble and recognizes his sinfulness and is driven to follow Christ fully.

How did that come about?

Easter for Paul

Easter came for Paul on the road to Damascus. In Acts 9, Paul comes face to face with the Lord whom he is persecuting.

It is an amazing story both for its miraculous content, but for the beauty of its results.

The Bible says that Paul was blinded by a light from heaved and fell down. He then heard, “Saul, Saul [his name was changed later to Paul], why are you persecuting me?”

Paul, in his incredulity, asked, “Who are you, Lord?” And so the Lord introduced Himself to Paul. The same Paul that spoke a good line about following God—may that in itself be a lesson to us.

Though Paul had his eyes open, he was unable to see anything, so he was led into Damascus and told by the Lord to go to see a certain follower of Jesus.

There is so much more to the story, but the results of this amazing encounter is that Paul, a toxic leader of the first century, was transformed by the Lord.

I am sorry that the statistics do not give a lot of hope for us as we pray and pray that our abusive leader be changed. However, we should always hold out hope that while man cannot be changed, the Lord can change man. The resurrection makes that possible and most who are reading this have likely had that same experience—though maybe not being blinded and spoken to from the clouds.

So, as we face off with our toxic leaders, we call upon the Lord and we seek accountability. The Lord brought accountability to Paul—He knocked Paul on his rear, if I may be so crass. So, the Lord calls us to knock these leaders on their rears that maybe they will face a reckoning with Jesus.

James and Oppression 1: Murderous Words

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The book of James in the Bible is full of teaching on the abusive heart.

Though it speaks generally to all people, it also has specific value for leaders—those with formal or informal power over others.

After providing a beautiful and life-changing discussion on how to persevere under trials, James begins to delve into the heart of oppressive behavior. The warning shot comes in verse 19 of the first chapter:

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; 20 for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.

“Angry” is often a descriptive term for those who are abusive of others. Though anger is not normally at the heart of the abusive leader’s problem—rather entitlement and control—it is a means and method for achieving these desires of the abuser.

This one sentence written by James, the brother of Jesus Christ, is antithetical to anger.

Listen.

Wait.

Be right.

A leader who fails to listen to others is not producing “the righteousness of God.” He has his own views, rights, and privileges in mind, not the good of others or the organization he serves. Listening to others implies truly hearing what they have to say and giving them the respect they deserve as God’s image bearers.

This can be applied as well to the leader who seemingly listens to and yet ignores his subordinates. The term “hear” means “to attend to, consider what is or has been said.” Again, is he giving honor to those who serve at his behest? Hearing means truly listening . . . no just acting like it.

Hypocrisy

James goes on in this same passage to challenge those who are wrapped up in a “Christiany” image but are in fact hypocrites. They put on an act of being Christian by spouting biblical sounding speeches, but in fact do not actually live those same words in their daily lives and leadership:

But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. 23 For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. 24 For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like. [James 1:22-24]

These “Christian” leaders appear to hear the words of God but immediately turn away from them in their daily life. They are surrounded by the Word of God—in the organization masthead, organization chapels, staff meetings, church partnering—but it is all just window-dressing. Often the leader is more concerned about funding the organization than he is about following Christ “whether he eats or drinks, or whatever he does.”

So, he speaks a good line that sounds Christian for all the donors and likely the staff, but his heart is really far from it.

Out of the Mouth

In verse 26, James brings the tongue back into the discussion:

If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person’s religion is worthless. 27 Religion that is pure and undefiled before God the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.

James takes a hard stance against the evil that comes out of the mouth. It comes back over and over again.

Much of our “behavior” —outward actions—is how we speak to and about others. Just as James says, our tongues are fires (James 3:5), ready to accomplish our scorched earth policies.

Does the leader think of himself, and even defend himself as a good Christian? Does he see himself as religious—after all, he runs a Christian organization or goes to church regularly, maybe even is a Sunday school teacher, or fills the pulpit periodically.

James says, if he “does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person’s religion is worthless.“

In chapter three James goes on with further criticism of those who use the tongue abusively:

For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, 8 but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. 9 With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. 10 From the same mouth come blessing and cursing.

Deadly Poison

“Deadly poison.” Strong words. James shows the incomprehensibility of those who claim to love Christ and yet “curse” others. The Greek term καταράομαι (curse) means to “curse, doom, imprecate evil upon” someone else.

As poison it hurts and kills. Though sticks and stones can break our bones, cursing others is murderous. It destroys the emotional and spiritual health of others. It often destroys other’s relationship with the Lord having come from a “Christian” leader.

James, by inspiration of the Holy Spirit, gets the harm abusive words cause.

The hypocrisy of those who lead a Christian organizations—or any other organization for that matter—claiming to be a follower of Christ and yet behaving with a pattern of abusive language is beyond comprehension.

Appropriately, James has the strongest words for those who tear down others with their words—words that should give life and hope to others.

Do you take seriously the words that come from your mouth. Do you stop. Listen. And then respectfully hear the words of those under your formal or informal authority? If you continually justify yourself, you need to delve deeper into your heart.

Abusive leadership is a pattern of behavior that tears down others and it is so often with words—even words that sound Christian.

The Heart of [Abusive] Leadership: Becoming leaders with a desire for the good and the capacity to carry it out

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The abuse of leadership does not just appear out of the blue.

It has roots and a heart.

When we talk about abuse, we talk about patterns of behavior—coercive, controlling, and punishing behaviors. But we do not stop there.

The Difficulty of Transformation

It is rooted deeply in the heart. Behaviors are simple outward manifestations of something much deeper.

Therefore, the way to transformation is through the heart; not a five-, ten-, or fifteen-step program of changed behavior.

When seeking change in an abusive leader, it must be kept in mind that he or she is deeply deceived.

The heart is deceitful above all things,
and desperately sick;
who can understand it?

Jeremiah 17:9 (ESV)

And this is why abuse advocates have so little confidence in the abusive leader to change.

Have you ever confronted an abuser? Did you see a humble recognition of their wicked heart? Did you see the dawning light in their eyes as they recognized their controlling heart and mean spirit? Did they even two days later come back to you and confess their thoughts of control and domination and ask forgiveness?

I know the answer to those rhetorical questions. At least 99% of the time.

Moral Concern for Others

So, how can transformation take place? How can an abusive leader be changed?

In a recent article by Kevin Brown in “The Dispatch“, the writer hit the nail on the head. Change is not through “thinly constituted reasoning”, as Brown puts it, but through “a story that shapes our moral imagination and directs our lives toward others.”

Brown says,

The Christian tradition has a word for this: discipleship. A call not merely to know what is right, but to become the kind of people who do the right thing. That is, both a desire for the good and the capacity to carry it out.

Real Virtue Has Roots by Kevin Brown

He noted that change in mankind—for good—comes through “discipleship”.

Brown says,

It is our day-to-day roots, not abstract reason, that will cultivate the virtuous life and our moral concern for others.

But discipleship means there is a “follower” who desires to learn from the one discipling him. And this again can be a nail in the coffin of transformation—most abusers don’t see it and so don’t think they need transformation. Why would they seek out discipleship?

The Ultimate Transformer

This is where Christ comes in . . . though He has been there all the time, mind you.

If Christ resurrected, this changes everything. All the maps have been redrawn. The world is upside down. Things are not as they seem. The truth of this story demands, says the hymnist, “my soul, my life, my all.”

Real Virtue Has Roots by Kevin Brown

It is only through Christ that a leader can even develop the desire to seek to know oneself; to know the sin that lies deeply hidden in his soul. To become a disciple.

This is the ultimate way that a leader will change his spots.

Yes, there are ways of seeking accountability: bringing pressure from boards; confrontations; firings; required batterer intervention programs. We have seen leaders seek heart change as a result of these accountability measures.

But ultimately, these only work when Christ chooses to bring pressure, confront, and bring consequences in order to discipline the toxic leader.

For if, because of [Adam’s] trespass, death reigned through that one man, much more will those who receive the abundance of grace and the free gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man Jesus Christ.

Romans 5:17 (ESV)

We must rely upon Christ. Ultimately, transformation is His gift from Jesus Christ to the leader and organization and even the world around the leader.

Blessed is the man whom you discipline, O LORD,
and whom you teach out of your law.

Psalms 94:12 (ESV)

REFERENCE

Brown, Kevin, and Michael Reneau. “Real Virtue Has Roots.” The Dispatch, August 11, 2025. https://thedispatch.com/newsletter/dispatch-faith/virtue-morality-peter-singer-jemel-dunn/.

Ted’s Story: A Band of Brothers

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https://open.spotify.com/episode/79gAD3m7ZXb8FliZuCW7H4?si=1fb702a7d75b4b1e

Ted’s story is hard to even start the telling. His story is a call to the church to be the church.

The brokenness of leadership in his denomination is so overwhelming that you begin to wonder if there is any real church left. Jesus’ church is redeemed and beautiful to Him, yet she so often acts as if she would have nothing to do with Him.

Jesus surely loves His bride, but at times I find that surprising.

Ted’s Story

It began several years ago when a committee was formed in Ted’s denomination’s regional leadership to investigate charges of sexual harassment against one of the pastors.

The committee, that acts a bit like a Grand Jury in the regional grouping of churches, presented a one-page summation of their investigation. They said they found no reason to move towards a trial as there were no strong reasons to suggest the pastor was guilty.

Ted found it strange that the summation said there was no guilt, but the committee provided “pastoral corrections” in the summation due to his “sexual misconduct.” He thought, “If there is no guilt, why would there be corrections to be made in his ministry?”

Ted and others asked for the full report—which was four pages long—but were refused. However, they discovered there had been one woman who acted as an “advisor” to the committee and she had published a “minority opinion.”

That sounded suspicious.

Ted began to speak with others, including women who were connected in some way to the case. In time, he determined he should stand up and be counted, filing a complaint with the regional leadership seeking justice for the women (multiple) who had reported the sexual misconduct.

In addition, he found that there had been multiple reports of impropriety against the pastor for at least five years before.

At this point, he told his wife, Rebecca that three things were going to happen:

  • There was going to be a huge move to exonerate the pastor.
  • He would be accused of having an affair with one of the women the pastor sexually harrassed.
  • It would all end with Ted being charged with something.

The Pastor’s Power Play

Ted’s complaint was refused and so he took it to the “supreme court” of his denomination for a ruling. That “court” upheld his complaint and ordered that a new investigative committee be appointed by the regional leadership.

However, a group of pastors suggested that an independent organization be hired by the regional leadership to investigate the charges. If they followed through, Ted would need to drop his charges against the pastor. He willingly did so that the independent investigators would have a free hand.

However, the regional leadership allowed the acccused pastor to speak at length and he convinced the leadership that the independent organization recommended was untrustworthy. His reason? He argued that they would support the victims.

He suggested that the regional leadership investigate and if they found guilt, then hire the independent group.

The pastor then convinced the leadership to appoint an investigative committee that had two lawyers on it. Then proceeded to convince them to put two lawyers on the committee whom he thought he had wrangled into his camp over the preceeding months.

In the end, his nearly hand-chosen committee found him guilty. But his personal lawyer, from one of the biggest law firms in the state, sought and obtained an immediate cease and desist order from the civil courts and stopped the process.

Contumacy

Men in the regional leadership then suggested bringing the pastor up on charges for his refusal to heed the ruling of the committee called “contumacy” (stubborn refusal to obey or comply with authority). In the rulebook of the denomination it states that a pastor who is found to be guilty of contumacy by the denominational “courts” must repent or be excommunicated.

The pastor wrote a letter that he was amending his lawsuit against parties in the denomination but that he was “not admitting guilt.” Ted stood before the leadership and asked if this was not a clear sign he was unrepentant.

Others rose to suggest that “repentance does not always involve admitting to sin.”

Really?

Ted was livid and suggested that the regional leadership organization be disolved and that their group of churches be melded into another regional grouping of churches because he said, “We will never, ever conduct a fair trial.” He wondered what the use of their regional leadership was if they could not judge fairly.

In the end, the highest court heard the case against the pastor and found him not guilty.

One of the parties involved in the case remarked, “This is a coverup and meant to send a message to the denomination that you never challenge a pastor.”

Band of Brothers

Ted shared with me the story of Mark, a pastor who had incredible influence in the regional leadership. He described him as one of the biggest narcissists he has ever seen. Twenty to thirty people have told him Mark was spiritually abusive.

When another pastor was brought up on charges Mark stood to support him, calling it an “injustice.” Ted was talking to him a year later and asked him about the pastor he had supported. Mark said the accused pastor was one of the worst pastors he had seen. He was “super legalistic, bad with people . . . Mark went on and on,” Ted said.

Ted asked, “Why did you fight his firing?”

Mark told him, “He is a pastor. We can’t allow elders in the churches to rule.”

But, Ted pressed, “He was abusive.” Mark replied, “Oh, I don’t doubt that at all. But we have to protect the regional leadership of pastors. It is a ‘band of brothers,'” referring to the movie by that name.

Ted told me he can point to at least four other cases of charges brought against pastors where the reaction was always to defend the pastor “even when indefensible.”

What Can We Say?

Ted said he has been re-reading “To Kill a Mockingbird” and is finding that someone who seeks justice in his denomination for those under pastoral abuse experience something akin to African Americans in the 50s.

It begins to look like Jesus before the Sanhedrin where the highest Jewish court repeatedly broke their own rules due to their own bias and blindness. Finding an innocent Jesus guilty; while drowning in His blood.

Or the leaders of Israel during the time of Ezekiel when the Lord calls them to account for their wicked leadership:

The weak you have not strengthened, the sick you have not healed, the injured you have not bound up, the strayed you have not brought back, the lost you have not sought, and with force and harshness you have ruled them. So they were scattered, because there was no shepherd, and they became food for all the wild beasts. My sheep were scattered. . . Ezekiel 34:4-5 (ESV)

The sheep are scattering. Much like Aaron’s warning.

When the leadership of God’s people reject His unmistakeable teaching to humbly serve His children, there will be unmeasurable harm done to the Church.

Ted’s story should be a clarion call to church leadership:

Repent or suffer the fate that you so desperately are trying to stave off—the scattering of God’s people.

How in the World

I asked Ted how in the world he has stood strong in the midst of all the attacks he has faced.

Ted noted that all three of the predictions he made to Rebecca have proven true.

  • As noted above, there was a huge movement to protect the erring pastor.
  • Ted was indeed accused of having an affair with one of the women who came forward to report the pastor’s sexual misconduct—even though Ted has only actually see her and the other women who reported maybe five times.
  • And charges have been filed against him in the church courts that he is currently battling.

Ted told me he has found solace and strength in three things:

  • Ted said his wife has been amazing. She has been his support and encouragement all along.
  • He enjoys a cohort of other pastors and Ted said they “have been rock solid friends through it all.” They have helped him write complaints, checked in on him periodically, and prayed with him often.
  • He sought out a Christian counselor. At one particular point the counselor suggested two things:
    1. Find an EMDR counselor as soon as possible. Ted said, “That has been huge.” This type of treatment for trauma has been incredibly helpful to many victims of abuse. See Bessel van der Kolk’s book here.
    2. And surprisingly the counselor suggested he find a Brazilian jiu jitsu gym. Ted said, “It was the greatest thing I have done.” He was amazed that the others in the club were so supportive of each other. He noted, “When there is a new guy, the advanced one’s job is to help him by submitting to him in the wrestling, showing him how to win.” He added, “If you try to hurt others, you will be kicked out of the gym immediately.”

I really was amazed by Ted’s mental and spiritual health despite all he has gone through.

Quite frankly, I cannot imagine being where he is if I had suffered all he has to advocate for victims of such horrendous leadership.

Jeanie’s Story: Shepherding Abuse Survivors Takes Wisdom

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It wasn’t long after the honeymoon that Jeanie began suffering from her husband Richard’s lack of care for his family and she suffered for nearly thirteen years from sexual abuse in their bedroom.

Richard, for the full length of their nearly 20 year marriage, refused to help with either childrearing or household needs. Over the years, Jeanie said she began to only ask for help when it was something she was unable to do. Then, in time, she began asking friends and neighbors when it was too hard for her because he would rarely respond to her requests at all.

Basically, my husband’s duty around the house became little more than to go to his regular job and bring home a paycheck and if I relied on him for more than that, it was overwhelming to him and anxiety producing for me.

Jeanie

She accounted for Richard’s bedroom manner—and her response—to teaching in the church that created an unhealthy sexual relationship. She said they both believed that the husband’s “sexual satisfaction” was primary and her needs were of no real consequence.

This view is not uncommon and comes from a misinterpretation of 1 Corinthians:

The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

1 Corinthians 7:3-5

1 Corinthians 7 is often misunderstood as explaining that the wife must give the husband sexual pleasure whenever he wants it. But, that is not what it says.

If you understand it within the context of mutual love and submission that is taught throughout Scripture, choices in the bedroom—like in every area of life as a family—should be made selflessly. That includes the husband whose desires may be driven by his own selfish desires with no interest in serving his wife’s—who may or may not have the “drive” he has.

Note how Paul makes it very clear that both spouses have authority over the other’s body. It is not one-sided and the husband has just as much responsibility to respond to the wife’s desires as she to his. 

After so many years of neglect and abuse, Jeanie said, “I began to struggle heavily with guilt, anxiety, insomnia, migraines and memory loss.” She had sought over the years to “win him without a word” but her “lived experience was that was completely ineffective.”

1 Peter 3:1 is helpful in some marital situations: It specifically speaks to marriage to an unbelieving husband. But it is not helpful in cases of abuse. An abusive husband does not have the humility to see the evil of their actions—he will justify and shift the blame. A wife’s humble submission simply means he has control and can do anything he wants with her.

The marriage had been so traumatizing to her, she knew she needed to get help and possibly a divorce.

Richard had refused counseling over and over and so she had gone by herself. He was not interested in making changes for the good of the marriage.

Elder Failures

Jeanie sought out the help of friends and her pastors’ wives. Their advice was consistently that she just give Richard more sex.

Jeanie had joined a support group and described hers and Richard’s sexual encounters. “The trauma counselor and other group members immediately began telling me I had been sexually abused.” She was beginning to understand that Richard’s forcing of sex was abusive and she was not willing to allow that.

She finally reached out to the Senior Pastor, Andy. The board of elders and pastors were going to discuss their “case” and she wrote to Andy explaining,

I, a woman who has been sexually traumatized, will be discussed by a room full of men, many of whom I do not or barely know, and they will consider the most intimate and hurtful events of my life, so that they can judge whether or not I have a right to be free from that. And what if they decide I don’t? Worse, what if they decide Richard is the one with grounds? Then I am being told that my needs don’t matter and that my feelings are illegitimate. I know that is not your intention, but it is sadly what my broken heart will hear, and I will feel violated all over again.

Jeanie

One elder contacted Richard—a common approach to marital difficulties but a horrible response in cases of abuse if the victim has not given permission—and was both manipulated by Richard and caused a ramping up of Richard’s abusive behavior at home.

Jeanie encouraged the elders to get training in abuse because, though they showed some compassion and kindness to start with, their handling of her years of suffering was wholly inadequate. However, they did not see the need.

Strange Response

The elders, instead of seeking to understand abuse and respond in ways that would be helpful and shepherding instead disciplined Jeanie.

After meeting, the elders told Jeanie that she should refrain from taking Communion and step down from her position on the music worship team for six months. There was nothing written down, it was not explained, and after about five months the restrictions were raised with no explanation of what had been accomplished.

As Jeanie and I talked, it became evident that the elders’ actions amounted to “disciplining” Jeanie and yet nothing was ever done to bring accountability to Richard. At some point one elder told Jeanie that they had sought to “disciple” —meet to train and encourage—Richard, but he never completed the assignments given to him.

He was not interested in caring for his family or Jeanie . . . only getting what he could in the bedroom.

But Jeanie was told she was the sinner by the elder board’s actions—she needed to refrain from the means of grace in the church (communion) and stop using her gifts for the edification of the body.

Jeanie told me, “I am probably seen as a trouble maker. They think I went off the deep end and divorced my husband. They criticized me for having a crisis of faith and I wouldn’t have if they had not done the things they did.”

Divorce

Secondly, the board of elders believed they needed to investigate and determine the legitimacy of her seeking a divorce. She was warned that if they did not approve of it, she would be unable to marry again—at least in that church.

The perspective that the elders have this kind of power is not an uncommon view in many denominations. However, there are some biblical questions in regards to this view.

In 1 Timothy 5 there are extended instructions for Timothy, a young elder in Ephesus. Here Paul gives Timothy directions for both the elders and congregation in relation to elders. At no point does he suggest that the elders are called to rule in such a way as to bind the consciences of congregant members.

There is a distinct emphasis in New Testament eldership on teaching and Gospel proclamation. It emphasizes careful teaching that does not go beyond the clarity of the Word. The elders are responsible to be good and gracious shepherds, not authoritarian, power-hungry rulers.

  • The congregation in Antioch sent financial aid to the Judean elders (because of a famine that was foretold) by the hands of the Apostles (Acts 11:29-30)
  • In Acts 15, the elders and Apostles in Jerusalem debated the issue of circumcision for new Gentile believers. They sent a letter saying, “Abstain from what has been sacrificed to idols, and from blood, and from what has been strangled, and from sexual immorality.” (Acts 15:28-29) This was a very careful and limited response that pulled back from legalistic proclamations.
  • The Apostles went from city to city to provide instructions to the congregations. (Acts 16:4)
  • Paul tells the Ephesian elders: “Pay careful attention to yourselves and to all the flock, in which the Holy Spirit has made you overseers, to care for the church of God, which he obtained with his own blood.” (Acts 20:27-28)
  • After giving the personal qualifications for an elder, Paul says to Titus, “He must hold firm to the trustworthy word as taught, so that he may be able to give instruction in sound doctrine and also to rebuke those who contradict it.” (Titus 1:9) Note “sound doctrine”, not legalistic control.

In Jeanie’s case, the elders, who refused to learn about the dynamics of the sin of abuse, overstepped their calling in Scripture by “disciplining” Jeanie and failed by omission to call Richard to living the Gospel in his marriage and family.

A Proposal

I understand the perspective that Jeanie’s elders have. I am part of a similar elder board.

However, just as an elder board should, without hesitation, provide “permission” —in the form of teaching and individual direction—for the offended spouse to divorce in the case of adultery without laying shame upon the victim in anyway for taking that step, so should they give that permission in the cases of desertion (1 Cor. 7:15).

Considering the instructions in the case law of the Old Testament (Ex. 21:10-11), the victim in an abusive marriage should be given every bit of leeway for physical and emotional provision. Our Lord despises oppressive behavior of any sort and elder boards must be found by the Lord on the side of oppressed.

In addition, it is helpful for an elder board to remember that their congregation is indwelled by the Holy Spirit and that as the elders instruct, they must rely upon the Holy Spirit to teach and convince their hearers of truth—in humility recognizing they could be wrong in their application of Scripture. The binding of a congregant’s conscience is a very serious thing. Laying undue burdens on the sheep was the practice of the Pharisees—who are roundly condemned by Jesus—and for which modern day cults are notorious (Luke 11:46).

Recommendations

After seeing cases like Jeanie’s over and over, I would make the following recommendations to elder boards and church leadership:

  • Get trained in responding to abuse. There are a number of organizations who can provide this training including Refuge Ministries of North America—see the organization’s website in Resources.
  • Receive the complaint of an abusive marriage, believing the victim.
    • Recognize that investigating abuse can be dangerous to the victim—the offender may become more abusive and dangerous as he is challenged.
    • And abusive individuals are often very manipulative and can confuse investigators and completely fool them.
  • Help the complainant understand the Scripture’s teaching on divorce—allowed for adultery (Matt. 5:32) and desertion (1 Cor. 7:15—in principle when a spouse neglects his family or is abusive).
  • Give support and permission to the reporting victim for his or her decision regarding seeking a divorce.

I do not consider these absolutes, but elder boards often are black and white in their thinking and shepherding practices whereas Scripture is not. Shepherding is difficult and takes a significant amount of wisdom.

If you are a leader in the church, please consider seeking training to be a safe place for those who are vulnerable and oppressed.

The Slide into Toxic Leadership 2: Amaziah, King of Judah

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Amaziah seemed attentive to the LORD as he began his reign as king of Judah 2800 years ago.

When preparing to go to war, he put together an impressive force of power. He hired mercenaries from the northern kingdom, Israel—100,000 of them.

However, a “man of God” came to him and discouraged him from using the mercenaries in the battle. He rather encouraged Amaziah to rely upon the LORD instead of seeking the help of his Israelite mercenaries.

Of course, Amaziah feared losing the money he had promised to the mercenaries. But he was encouraged by the man of God that the LORD would provide for him. Amaziah believed him, paid the cash he promised the mercenaries, and as a result was victorious in battle because he relied on the LORD.

King Amaziah reigned in Judah for 29 years, beating the 20 years that the average king ruled in the southern kingdom.

Scipture tells us “he did what was right in the eyes of the LORD, yet not with a whole heart.”

2 Chronicles 25:2

The Slide

That sensitive heart that was willing to hear criticism, even criticism that would affect his wallet, disappeared however.

Once he had won the battle, Amaziah “brought the gods of the men of Seir and set them up as his gods and worshiped them, making offerings to them.”

Therefore the LORD was angry with Amaziah and sent to him a prophet, who said to him, “Why have you sought the gods of a people who did not deliver their own people from your hand?”

2 Chronicles 25:15

Instead of displaying a heart of love for the LORD, the sensitivity he had when he began his reign, Amaziah interupts a prophet sent by the LORD to challenge him, saying, “Have we made you a royal counselor? Stop! Why should you be struck down?”

So the prophet stopped, but said, “I know that God has determined to destroy you, because you have done this and have not listened to my counsel.”

2 Chronicles 25:16

Beginning Well

Unfortunately, this is so often the heart of man.

Leaders begin well. The LORD has given them vision for the organization they have been tasked with leading. Their motives, though always mixed—for we are never without sin—are that God be glorified in the church, business, or organization and that they serve people. Diane Langberg says,

Many times someone starts out believing they are called by God and instilled with a God-given vision. Somewhere down the road, when the vision has grown, the demands are great, and the pressure is on, the servant becomes obedient to the work and its demands rather than to Christ.

Langberg, Diane. Redeeming Power (p. 149). Baker Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

They begin a mission work in Africa that desires to help people use their gifts to create beauty, good crops, healthy societies, biblical churches, or other fulfillments of the “dominion mandate.” I worked for one of these visionary missionaries.

Or they plant a church that seeks to be engaged with the surrounding culture, giving light and a witness to Christ. They serve their neighborhoods and their churches expand exponentially.

Or they start a ministry helping people build their own home, giving witness to the love of Jesus. The ministry soon covers the globe.

Drinking the Koolaid

But, in time they begin to drink the koolaid of power and self-sufficiency.

Amaziah, after seeing the LORD’s destruction of his enemies in Seir, turned his eye upon his brothers in the north—Israel. He challenged King Joash and the king rebuffed him. Scripture says that the LORD was bringing about the downfall of Amaziah because he had turned from God to himself.

So, Amaziah, in his arrogance goes up against Israel. 2nd Chronicles says,

And Joash king of Israel captured Amaziah king of Judah, the son of Joash, son of Ahaziah, at Beth-shemesh, and brought him to Jerusalem and broke down the wall of Jerusalem for 400 cubits, from the Ephraim Gate to the Corner Gate.

The Israelite king stole all the gold and silver from the Temple and Amaziah’s palace in Jerusalem in addition to taking hostages back to Samaria with him.

Though Amaziah lived another 15 years in Jerusalem, Scripture is silent regarding those years. Those years of his reign are clearly of no consequence.

Amaziah’s slide into toxic leadership left him broken and in the end men within his own government made a conspiracy against him and he ran for the hills. However, they caught up with him and murdered him.

The Failure of Toxic Leadership

This is the way of toxic leadership. When man begins to rely upon himself—maybe on marketing, image control, power, and authority—he begins the slide into a leadership that no one wants. There will be rebellion, financial failure, and possibly a legacy of hatred rather than the glory the leader so desparately desires.

Toxic leadership almost never ends well.

But it is never too late to turn in repentance; to admit to failure. Turn from self to the LORD. Turn to the only One who can be relied upon to run your church, business, or organization.

Your legacy of self-importance is not nearly as important as His glory.

Job’s Counselors: The Misuse of Spiritual Influence

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For many the book of Job in the Bible is a pandora’s box of interpretive difficulty.

If you are a black-and-white thinker, it is difficult to read, I imagine.

But Job is a very good place to go to understand more clearly how the counseling of victims of abuse in the home, workplace, or church has gone seriously wrong.

It is helpful to know the beginning and the end before wading into the middle.

In the story of Job—who was horribly tried by Satan at the approval of the LORD—moans in the agony of having lost all his children, his means of income, and is suffering terrible physical ailments.

In the end, his friends are called to account for their poor—sinful—counsel of Job.

So, now we wade into the middle. Because of Job’s suffering, his spiritual counselors are laying one guilt trip after another on him.

In their black-and-white thinking, they believe God blesses those who live righteously and curses those who break His laws. Because Job—who had been richly blessed prior to Satan’s destruction—is suffering horribly, his counselors think he must be cursed by God and therefore he must be living in sin.

Trial = Sin

This is not unfounded in Scripture and why some in their black-and-white beliefs grab and go with it in their thinking and counseling.

In Deuteronomy 28, Moses lays before God’s people the blessings for obedience and curses for disobedience.

For those who obey the LORD:

Blessed shall you be in the city, and blessed shall you be in the field. 4 Blessed shall be the fruit of your womb and the fruit of your ground and the fruit of your cattle, the increase of your herds and the young of your flock. 5 Blessed shall be your basket and your kneading bowl. 6 Blessed shall you be when you come in, and blessed shall you be when you go out . . . etc.
Deuteronomy 28:3-6 (ESV)

For those who disobey:

Cursed shall you be in the city, and cursed shall you be in the field. 17 Cursed shall be your basket and your kneading bowl . . . etc.
Deuteronomy 28:16-17 (ESV)

It Isn’t So Clear

I use the terms “black-and-white” in a negative way, because when it comes to blessings and curses, Scripture is not as clear on this topic as Deuteronomy 28 would lead you to believe.

It is indeed true that those who reject the LORD in unbelief and arrogance are cursed. But that curse may largely be seen in the judgment they face at the end of life for their rejection of their Creator, not in the middle. This idea is apparent in the story of Lazarus and the rich man (Luke 16:19f) and in multiple places in the Proverbs.

Jesus tells a parable in Luke 16 about the rich man and Lazarus:

“There was a rich man who was clothed in purple and fine linen and who feasted sumptuously every day. 20 And at his gate was laid a poor man named Lazarus, covered with sores, 21 who desired to be fed with what fell from the rich man’s table. Moreover, even the dogs came and licked his sores. 22 The poor man died and was carried by the angels to Abraham’s side. The rich man also died and was buried, 23 and in Hades, being in torment, he lifted up his eyes and saw Abraham far off and Lazarus at his side.”

Luke 16:19-23 (ESV)

Notice that the rich man, who rejected his God, lived a life of sumptuous feasting every day. On the other hand, Lazarus was a poor man. Yet, the rich man ends up in Hell and Lazarus in Heaven.

We see in Proverbs:

Better is a poor man who walks in his integrity
than a rich man who is crooked in his ways.
Proverbs 28:6 (ESV)

Deuteronomy would lead us to believe—if we don’t look anywhere else—that the “poor” —therefore the suffering—is walking in sin rather than “integrity,” yet Proverbs 28 suggests that it is the “rich man” who is “crooked” —living in sin. How did he get “blessed” if he was disobedient?

But that is the flow of Scripture. There are proverbial statements that in this life are generally true, but the end of the story is where it all leads. The wicked, unbelieving rich man will end up in torment when his life is ended, but torment will possibly only be when that end of life judgment comes.

And conversely, the poor—unblessed in the world’s eyes—will face many trials in this life but in his faithfulness to the LORD be blessed abundently in the judgment. His poverty is not necessarily because of disobedience as we consider the whole of Scripture.

This brings me to Job’s counselors.

Worm Theology

At one point, Bildad, one of Job’s “friends” who was counseling him when he in torment, explained to Job that in his sin, man is a “maggot” or a “worm.”

4 How then can man be in the right before God?
How can he who is born of woman be pure?
5 Behold, even the moon is not bright,
and the stars are not pure in his eyes;
6 how much less man, who is a maggot,
and the son of man, who is a worm!”
Job 25:4-6

In the sense that we are deeply depraved as sinful human beings, wandering about in rebellion and foolishness, Bildad was right. Some complain about “worm theology” but there is biblical truth in it when considering our deep brokenness. Romans 3:9-13 confirms this understanding of man’s depravity.

However, Job’s counselors—not just Bildad—came at Job from a Deuteronomy 28 theology, not a full-on-biblical theology of suffering. This is how many counselors of abuse victims approach those victims. They look for the “fault” in the victim that brought the horrible treatment. They seek to “help” the victim see their own sin and turn from it. They can’t believe a Christian leader could be so sinful as to lie, manipulate, and intentionally crush those under their care.

Abuse is Never the Fault of the Abused

However, these judgments are beyond the purview of biblical counseling.

First of all, abuse victims are never at fault. If the counselor understands the roots of abuse, they will understand that victims never bring it on, but rather the abuser will simply abuse because it is in his heart.

In addition, there are professing Christians who are very depraved and cause incredible destruction.

They will coerce and control in order to fulfill their entitlement in this life. Often they get away with it like the rich man who got his wealth through evil. It seems like they can’t lose, especially to the victim as she sits helplessly by watching the abusive leader convince the board, friends, and stakeholders that he is the good guy in this scenario.

When you receive reports of abuse from a friend, co-worker, or congregant member listen carefully. Stay clear of Christian platitudes like, “You need to give grace. We are all worms and he needs grace just like you do.”

Abuse is not normal relational conflict between husband and wife, boss and subordinate, pastor and deacon, or teacher and student. The conflict is in the heart of the abuser. And never because of the victim’s sin.

Abuse in the Bible: But Does it Even Use That Word?

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I have heard periodically that the Bible does not include the term, “abuse.”

However, I am not sure from where that idea came. There are a number of places that the translation of Greek, Hebrew, and Aramaic words can be and are accurately understood to mean “abuse.”

In addition, language scholars instruct that it is abuse in much the same way we would define emotional, psychological, and spiritual abuse in our world of toxic leadership.

Matthew narrates the story of Jesus giving a sermon on, what has become known as, the Mount of Beatitudes. There Jesus uses the term rhaká (ῥακά) which means, according to the Theological Dictionary of the New Testmament,1 “blockhead or fool.”

But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire.

Matthew 5:22 (ESV)

According to Kittel, the author of the TDNT, the word comes from the Aramaic term for abuse. He says, “The Aramaic term expresses disparagement accompanied by anger and contempt. Addressed to the foolish, thoughtless, or presumptuous person, it means ‘blockhead,’ and is the most common term of abuse in Jesus’ day.”

Kittel goes on to say that the sins of the tongue are very serious in God’s eyes: they are put on a par with murder.

In addition he says, “In the world of Jesus injury by words is of the utmost seriousness.”

Luke

Luke also records one of Jesus’ sermons in chapter 6 of his book. Here Jesus says,

“But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28 bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you.”

Luke 6:27-28 (ESV)

The Greek term “epēreazō (ἐπηρεάζω)” means in English to “insult, to treat abusively, use despitefully, to revile, in a forensic sense to accuse falsely, and to threaten.”

Proverbs

The wise king Solomon noted,

Drive out a scoffer, and strife will go out,
and quarreling and abuse will cease.

Proverbs 22:10 (ESV)

The ESV translates the Hebrew term qâlôn (קָלוֹן) as abuse. That word means “shame, disgrace, dishonour, ignominy” according to Strongs Dictionary.

This is exactly as we understand emotional, psychological, or spiritual abuse.

Paul

Paul, in his second letter to Timothy tells the young pastor,

But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. 2 For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, 4 treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5 having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power.

2 Timothy 3:1-5 (ESV)

When the ESV says “abusive,” it is translating the Greek word, “blasphēmos” (βλάσφημος). You probably recognize the word. When we talk about blaspheming against the Lord, this is the word we are using.

It means, “speaking evil, slanderous, reproachful, railing, abusive.” Very strong terms for words used against others.

Summary

Hopefully you get the idea that indeed, Scripture does use words for abuse and it gives abusive words great weight.

The brother of a friend of ours expressed his frustration with his sister’s difficulty with an abusive husband by saying, “It’s a damn load.” He was put out by the relational damage but not very empathetic for what she was going through. He was only really concerned about the disruption in his own life.

This is what the sinful rebellion of God’s creatures brings about . . . a damn load. Abuse is a horrible sin and it is extraordinarily destructive.

  1. Ronald Pitkin, Theological Dictionary of the New Testament, ed. Gerhard Kittel and Gerhard Friedrich, Abridged edition (W. B. Eerdmans, 2006). ↩︎

Grace Through Criticism: Uzziah – When He Became Strong

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Unfortunately, strength = toxic too much of the time.

The warnings are clear in Scripture for those who rise to positions of leadership. There is a story in 2nd Chronicles that should strike fear into all leader’s hearts–or at least a healthy concern. A sixteen-year old was placed in leadership in Judah. His father, Amaziah had died and it was his turn to rule the nation.

And a long reign he had: fifty-two years.

Uzziah “did what was right in the eyes of the Lord” as he began his reign. He sought God, was teachable (by the prophet Zechariah), and God made him prosper as he followed the Lord.

Scripture says,

God helped him against the Philistines and against the Arabians who lived in Gurbaal and against the Meunites. 8 The Ammonites paid tribute to Uzziah, and his fame spread even to the border of Egypt, for he became very strong.

2 Chronicles 26:7-8 (ESV)

His military might was a result of God’s delight in him. Uzziah was faithful to the Lord. There is so much encouragement here that such a young man should rule with wisdom and faith.

But.

Pride

But when he was strong, he grew proud, to his destruction. For he was unfaithful to the LORD his God and entered the temple of the LORD to burn incense on the altar of incense.

2 Chronicles 26:16 (ESV)

The Lord had set up a separation of powers (duties) in the theocracy of the Old Testament. The national political rulers (kings) were not allowed to interfer with the sacrificial system of the temple. Though there were often battles between the kings and priests, where the kings had responsibility to rule the nation, the priesthood made it evident that God ruled over the kings.

Uzziah’s unfaithfulness would be a footnote in his story if what happened next had been different.

17 But Azariah the priest went in after him, with eighty priests of the LORD who were men of valor, 18 and they withstood King Uzziah and said to him, “It is not for you, Uzziah, to burn incense to the LORD, but for the priests, the sons of Aaron, who are consecrated to burn incense. Go out of the sanctuary, for you have done wrong, and it will bring you no honor from the LORD God.”

2 Chronicles 26:17-18 (ESV)

The priest, Azariah stood up to the king. Like Nathan in King David’s case (2 Samuel 12). Like all faithful friends and advisors to those in power over the centuries. Azariah was willing to do the messy work of challenging the wicked behavior of the most powerful person in the nation of Judah.

Anger

This is an important point of the story, and what comes next is the frustrating part.

19 Then Uzziah was angry. Now he had a censer in his hand to burn incense, and when he became angry with the priests, leprosy broke out on his forehead in the presence of the priests in the house of the LORD, by the altar of incense.

2 Chronicles 26:19 (ESV)

Unfortunately, a reign that was godly and a witness to the Lord of heaven and earth ended in arrogance and entitlement. “He became proud.” Rather than admitting his foolish and arrogant behavior to the Lord (and Azariah), his sin was not a footnote but the fall of his rule in Judah.

In his pride, Uzziah was likely thinking that he could do what he wanted. He was powerful and was likely continually being coddled by his subordinates; told he was the greatest, winning all his battles, a real rock star.

No priest could tell him what to do.

But God did not allow him to continue in his arrogance. The Lord physically struck him, causing him to break out in leprosy.

And King Uzziah was a leper to the day of his death, and being a leper lived in a separate house, for he was excluded from the house of the LORD.

2 Chronicles 26:21

With dishonor and shame he went to the grave; turned out of his primary residence; disallowed entrance to the presence of God (“excluded from the house of the Lord”). Uzziah’s life was turned upside down.

Accountability

It is an important story for leaders. Each of us, in our places of influence, must understand the warnings that the Lord provides through the many stories in Scripture. We need the accountability of others. We need others who will, even if subordinate to us, be able to bring us grace through criticism.

We need to humble ourselves before the gracious and mighty hand of the Lord . . . before it is too late.

Your Guilt Remains: Repentance Means Seeing

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Jesus healed a man on the Sabbath. That was a no-no for the Pharisees.

John 9 tells us about this man who was born blind. His age is unknown but according to commentaries, being “of age,” as the text notes, means he was at least 13 years old. He definitely seems older, but we cannot know.

There are many fascinating things about the exchanges that happen between the Pharisees, parents of the man, and the man himself at which you really should look. [Aaron Hann looks more closely in his blog about the spiritual abuse that happens in the story and it can be found here.]

But for our purposes I want to look at the end of the story.

We See

John tells us,

Jesus heard that they had cast him out, and having found him he said, “Do you believe in the Son of Man?” 36 He answered, “And who is he, sir, that I may believe in him?” 37 Jesus said to him, “You have seen him, and it is he who is speaking to you.” 38 He said, “Lord, I believe,” and he worshiped him. 39 Jesus said, “For judgment I came into this world, that those who do not see may see, and those who see may become blind.” 40 Some of the Pharisees near him heard these things, and said to him, “Are we also blind?” 41 Jesus said to them, “If you were blind, you would have no guilt; but now that you say, ‘We see,’ your guilt remains.

John 9:35-41 (ESV)

The man had been excommunicated from the synagogue (cast out) because he had the audacity to be healed on the Sabbath and stand up to the Pharisees’ abusive behavior to both him and his parents.

Notice the exchange between Jesus and the Pharisees at the end of the passage quoted above. The Pharisees are mocking Jesus. You can hear their indignant tone of voice in their question, “Are we also blind?” Throughout the story, it is apparent they have no interest in actually knowing the truth.

They are in fact very blind.

However, Jesus’ response is very helpful in challenging the false repentance of abusive people and to the abusers themselves if they would have eyes to see.

Repentance involves seeing your own sin. There must be self-awareness. There must be humility.

Unfortunately, the abusive individuals I have known are not any of those things. Sure, they can put on an act of self-awareness, talking about grace and their need for it in a general sense. But, ultimately they fail to grasp or be willing to admit their sin and the depths of their depravity that reaches to their heart in any specific way.

But because they say, “We see,” their guilt remains.

They think they know their hearts—shifting blame, justifying their attitudes and actions—but their hearts are deceitful beyond all understanding.

The heart is deceitful above all things,
and desperately sick;
who can understand it?

Jeremiah 17:9 (ESV)

But they refuse to acknowledge it. Instead they assign the blame to their victim, to the whistleblower, to their parents (whose dysfunction made them do it), or to their personality disorders.

If Only

If only they would seek the Lord . . . truly. If only they would ask Him to open their eyes to their own shame. If only they would humbly seek to know their own hearts.

Ah, the forgiveness and grace that would flow from the hands and heart of the Lord if they would just turn to Him fully, broken and knowing their need.

. . . and in turn, they would love God and neighbor as the Holy Spirit leads.

But . . . for now, their guilt remains.