If you have been discipled as I have you might be tempted to believe grace means cutting all people some slack.
Forgive and forget.
Don’t judge.
Remember we are all sinners.
I use the term “tempted” quite intentionally. Because it is not biblical.
At least, not always.
There are actually times when grace (which should never be absent from our hearts or actions) means to pronounce judgment and bring accountability rather than cut them slack. But, there is a distinction in Scripture upon whom those judgments are made.
Spreading Like a Tree
I have seen a wicked, ruthless man, spreading himself like a green laurel tree. 36 But he passed away, and behold, he was no more; though I sought him, he could not be found. 37 Mark the blameless and behold the upright, for there is a future for the man of peace. 38 But transgressors shall be altogether destroyed; the future of the wicked shall be cut off.
Psalm 37:35-38 (ESV)
We need to look at some of the words that the psalmist, King David, used.
עָרִיץ (‘ârîyṣ), which is the Hebrew word “ruthless” in the psalm, means “powerful or tyrannical.” Strongs Dictionary goes on to say it means “mighty, oppressor, in great power, strong, terrible, violent.”
Do you get the idea? This is why in abuse language “oppression” and “oppressor” are used frequently. David is speaking of a particularly wicked individual. This is someone who is particularly destructive of other people.
We know this in part because other places in Scripture tell us to that when we confront brothers, we can expect a certain amount of humility and willingness to see their sin and repent (Prov. 12:1, Rev. 3:19).
But when Scripture talks about oppressors, generally there is no such expectation and in fact, often the Bible authors tell us to stay clear of them because they are too dangerous to confront or not worth confronting (see Prov. 9:8, 22:24, Matt. 7:6).
Hopelessness
King David in this psalm notes the hopelessness that seems to be the lot of many abuse victims. The ruthless man (oppressor) is like a green laurel tree. One commentary tells us the language refers to a “native tree” which in their interpretation means,
“The idea here is that a tree which thus remains in its own soil is more vigorous, and will attain to a larger growth, than one which is transplanted; and thus the figure becomes an emblem of a prosperous and mighty man. “
Barnes Notes on the Bible
This is part of crushing effects of abuse. The oppressor seems unstoppable. He is large in the victim’s eyes and often he is large in the community’s eyes. He is prospering while the victim shrinks and suffers psychological, spiritual, and physical harm.
Hopefulness
But David does not stop with verse 35. He goes on to say they will be destroyed. In both verse 36 and 38 there is evident judgment and accountability for the oppressor. He is “no more,” “destroyed,” and “cut off.”
And the one of peace – the victim is clearly implied – will have a future. It is like they will instead “spread like a tree.”
I don’t think I have ever talked to a victim of leadership abuse who has not at some point under the crushing weight of abuse felt he or she was without a future. They feel like they have been axed. Cut down and burned up . . . while their oppressor spreads like a tree.
They have maybe tried confronting their boss, manager, or pastor to no avail. They have maybe sought help from HR, the board of directors, the senior pastor, a church elder, or the CEO to no avail.
In fact, often they have received more abuse either by the oppressor or by the foolish ones to whom they reported who ended up being complicit as they failed to support the victim.
The oppressor became large in the eyes of those who should have been helpful.
It’s Really Real
But, the assurance that David gives is real. It may not come about as we hope or envision. But, it is real. There is a future for those who are abused.
God is not mocked by the scoffer (Prov. 9:8).
And it is God’s grace that brings that oppressor down. We ask that the ruthless be destroyed (Ps. 55) not because we lack grace, but that we wish grace to reach the oppressed. The abused. The vulnerable.
Because this is to what we, as God’s people, are called (Isaiah 58:6).
We often focus on the actions of man in the process of determining whether real repentance has taken place.
An abusive leader, whether in the home or workplace, has been confronted and recognizes that he must change his actions in keeping with repentance as Jesus said:
But when he saw many of the Pharisees and Sadducees coming to his baptism, he said to them, “You brood of vipers! Who warned you to flee from the wrath to come? Bear fruit in keeping with repentance.
Matthew 3:7-8 (ESV)
To “bear fruit” would indicate a couple things.
To “bear” in Greek carries the meaning to “perform” or “to make or do.” It is taking action.
“Fruit” in Greek means “work, act or deed.”
Considering those words, there seems to be visible actions that are necessary for repentance.
However, repentance is much more than this and our understanding of it will make a significant difference in how we look at our own repentance and that of those who have been called to repentace after crushing others under their authority or power.
I Am Feeble and Crushed
To consider a model of repentence in Scripture we need look no further than David. The king of Israel was a model of wicked behavior – including rape and murder – and he was a model of repentance. David raped, murdered, and failed to bring accountability for others where he had the power to do so.
Yet, it is in his many words that are found in Scripture that we get a picture of a man broken by his sin and repentant.
For my iniquities have gone over my head; like a heavy burden, they are too heavy for me. 5 My wounds stink and fester because of my foolishness, 6 I am utterly bowed down and prostrate; all the day I go about mourning. 7 For my sides are filled with burning, and there is no soundness in my flesh. 8 I am feeble and crushed; I groan because of the tumult of my heart.
Psalm 38:4-8 (ESV)
David recognizes his sins. They have “gone over my head,” he says. He is drowning in his sins. He is “foolish.” And he even feels it in his physical body. His “flesh” is “burning.”
This is a man who knows his sin and I would suggest these words give voice to a true repentance.
In verse 8 he says, “I am feeble and crushed; I groan because of the tumult of my heart.”
His sense of shame goes to his very “heart.” And it is in the use of this term that we begin to see true repentance.
From Within
Recently, I was speaking with an advocate who shared with me some incredible wisdom. She was explaining the distinction between the supposed repentance of an abuser, whose wife she was seeking to help, and her own husband who was once abusive. However, her husband had truly repented and has born the fruit of this repentance for years.
She explained that the victim’s husband had been counseled by a church leader and was much less difficult to live with at home in that his anger was not as apparent. She noted that it gave the appearance of repentance.
However, she said he had yet to confess to his wife the wickedness of his heart and his desire to change. The advocate noted that her husband, on the other hand when coming face to face with his sin, confessed to her the evil that was in his heart and the actions flowed from that just as Scripture describes.
“What comes out of a person is what defiles him. 21 For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, 22 coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness. 23 All these evil things come from within, and they defile a person.”
Mark 7:20-23 (ESV)
The Heart of the Matter
It may help to talk about this term, “heart.”
In the west – that is Europe and America – there has been a particularly unhelpful dichotomizing of mind and emotion. “Heart” has referred almost exclusively to our emotions and mind to our cognitive abilities.
However, the biblical use of those terms is not nearly so clean and orderly, nor is neurological science’s findings.
לֵב (lêḇ), which is the usual word translated “heart” in Hebrew, is “used very widely for the feelings, the will and even the intellect; likewise for the centre of anything.” It really is more accurately describing the whole inner man, the center of our being, and definately not just our emotions.1
The term καρδία (kardia – heart), which is found in the Mark 7 passage above, refers to “the thoughts or feelings; also the middle.” Again, note the broadness of the term in referring both to what we understand as cognitive ability and emotions.
So, when Scripture tells you the “heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?” it is telling you the whole inner man is deceitful and sick. It may help to remember that the whole man is fallen in sin. Our thinking and emotions, which generally go together, are both broken.
It is why an abuser can think he is always right and feel he is the most important person in the room, even when it makes no sense to anyone else. Everything about his inner man is contrary to reality. Yet, he is quite sure.
So, Mark 7 quoted above makes it evident that from the very center of an abuser’s being, wickedness, deceit, pride, murder and all kinds of evil comes. It is so evil in its intent and expression that their inner being sets them apart from normal people. Mind you, even normal people need the Savior because their wickedness is just as damning. It just is not as destructive to the people they engage.
My advocate friend helps us distinguish between the false repentance of so many abusers and real repentance. Remember that the “cure” rate of abusers is likely around 5% or less. That is a dismal amount of repentance.
But when there is true repentance, a change of heart – the whole inner man including their thinking and feeling and will – is so radical that you know you are safe with them.
NOTE:
1 The “Theological Dictionary of the New Testament” by Kittel notes that it can be translated in English to denote emotion, thinking, or will.
I have often heard survivors of abusive leaders in the home and workplace confess their sins and in some way suggest the abuse they are living under is somehow a necessary result of their sin. There tends to be an immediate response to hardship (trial), by those who humbly follow the Lord, that there is a tit for tat in the workings of God’s sovereignty.
I am suffering = God is punishing me for my sin.
“I am sinful and so all this abuse has come upon me because of my sin.”
Mind you, it is not that there is no biblical evidence for such a view. Such as,
“When your people Israel are defeated before the enemy because they have sinned against you, and if they turn again to you and acknowledge your name and pray and plead with you in this house, then hear in heaven and forgive the sin of your people Israel and bring them again to the land that you gave to their fathers.”
1 Kings 8:33-34 (ESV)
We certainly suffer because sin of our own making brings about a world of hurt. God uses the evil of others to discipline us. We need self-awareness.
The Sin of Others
But, there are also those times that we face trial not due to our own sin but simply because of the sin of others. Even though as Solomon says in this same prayer in 1 Kings 8 “for there is no one who does not sin,” it is also biblical to interpret trials as not necessarily of our own making.
The wickedness of the abuser’s heart brings all kinds of trouble on those whom he desires to control, manipulate, and crush (oppress).
And this should not be interpreted as the result of the victim’s sin . . . ever.
Aaron Hann’s recent Thesis 96 blog called “Spiritual Abuse Tactics in John’s Gospel” beautifully captures the spiritual abuse found in John 9. There a man, blind from birth, is healed by Jesus. Suddenly, he became the focus of spiritual abuse by the Pharisees. They said, “Give glory to God. We know that this man is a sinner” in verse 24 of that chapter. Tit for tat.
Jesus’ disciples say, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” [John 9:1-2 (ESV)]
He is suffering, so he (or his parent who bore him) is a sinner. Tit for tat.
Jesus responds that it doesn’t work that way. “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him.” He says, do not make that correlation. In another place the Lord says, “Woe to those who call evil good and good evil.” (Is. 50:20)
Mr. Hann skillfully picks the Pharisees’ abuse apart and I encourage you to read his analysis.
A Helpful Example: Psalm 38
In Psalm 38, King David cries out to the Lord, confessing his sin but then seeking his release from the abusive treatment of others. Hear a section of the Psalm:
For I am ready to fall, and my pain is ever before me. 18 I confess my iniquity; I am sorry for my sin. 19 But my foes are vigorous, they are mighty, and many are those who hate me wrongfully. 20 Those who render me evil for good accuse me because I follow after good. 21 Do not forsake me, O LORD! O my God, be not far from me! 22 Make haste to help me, O Lord, my salvation!
Psalm 38:17-22 (ESV)
Note, David’s confession in verse 18 and then his desire for vindication in verses 19 through 22.
David confesses, “I am sorry for my sin,” and then goes on to say that “many are those who hate me wrongfully.”
I cannot count the times that a victim of abuse has confessed their own sins to me as though it was their sin that created the abuse. But as David notes, their hatred is wrong. It is not due to his sin . . . it is just wrong.
Deal With the Elephant
We must be very careful that we do not create a tit for tat response to the humility of victims of leadership abuse and focus on their sin while missing the elephant in the room.
That elephant is the wickedness of a leader who does not share that humility.
It is rare that abusive leaders will ever humbly admit real sin like the victim will. They may be self-deprecating, saying they feel badly that they have hurt the victim. But, you will not hear them say, “I am so sorry that I have a wicked heart and have thought of the victim as less than human.”
But, this is in fact the heart of the abuser . . . and mind you, their abusiveness comes from the very depths of their being.
All the while, the victim is confessing their sin, beating their breast like the tax collector (Luke 18:9-14), taking the abuse upon themselves as if it is a punishment for their own sins.
Hear the confession of the survivor of abuse. But, always seek the heart of the problem and that is in the heart of the abuser, not the victim. Do not be distracted by the wiles of the abuser as he projects his sin upon his victim.
And do not be distracted by the humility of the victim and miss the elephant in the room. The sin of the abuser.
Having come from a long line of pastors—father, grandfather, and uncle—his calling to the ministry seemed a natural consequence of being born into his family.
Following Bible college and a stint with a traveling ministry, Aaron joined the staff of a large church with a well-known and “successful” pastor. Pastor Gene had been in the ministry for nearly 50 years and had served at all levels of leadership within Aaron’s denomination. Aaron said he and his wife, Joyce trusted him like a grandpa.
Aaron joined the staff as a music minister. He considered it his “dream job” and Joyce was hired in the youth ministry.
I could tell in our discussion that Aaron was the dream employee. A self-described “people-pleaser” and “rule-follower,” he was eager to please both his senior pastor and congregation. He clearly had a heart for ministry.
Just the Way He Is
But, after two years of serving in the church, Aaron came home to his wife and shared with her, “I think Pastor Gene has a man-crush on me.”
Aaron explained that Pastor Gene would do subtle things.
They would go out to coffee and Aaron noticed that when he would put his hand on the table, Pastor Gene would put his hand on Aaron’s. Taken aback, Joyce responded that she thought it was just the way he is. She knew he was very physical in his engagement with others.
These kinds of actions continued over two years and, though Aaron was disconcerted with it at first, he got more and more comfortable with the touching. Over time, however, the amount of physical touch ramped up. Pastor Gene seemed to get more and more “touchy” with Aaron as he described it.
Then one day Pastor Gene leaned in to give Aaron a kiss.
Four months after Aaron shared his suspicions with Joyce, Pastor Gene’s wife, Lee came to him “and exposed everything.” She explained to him that she and her husband “had been having arguments since October.”
Aaron asked her, “What does that mean?”
“Lee shared how Pastor Gene had fallen in love with me.”
Aaron was shocked. He described putting “walls put up instantly.” He said he went home that night and his son, who was only over a year old, came to give him a kiss goodnight and Aaron said he “immediately put up a wall.”
Fortunately, he said he realized his mistake and “brought him in, giving him a kiss goodnight.”
Power of the Pastor’s Presence
According to Wanda Collins of Baylor University,
“Every clergy or minister is a symbol of religious authority. By virtue of the pastoral office, the minister interprets religious truth, the meaning of life, the way of faith, and even the reality of God. Add to that status the power of the pastor’s presence through ministry, and the special influence a minister holds among his or her congregation.”
As I have written before, there is a significant power diferential between pastors and their subordinates or congregant members. As Collins notes, people under their care look to them for guidance that involves eternal life. Sexual advances by a pastor to those under his care are called “harassment” for a reason. It is more than sex that is at play in these cases.
When the pastor’s wife met with Aaron, she said he “needed to go to the church board because she couldn’t.” She feared being the one to bring down her pastor husband.
Yet, by end of week she was telling Aaron, “I’m such a horrible person. I can’t believe I did this.” She had completely “flipped,” confusing Aaron and Joyce. Aaron said, “She told us that everything she had told us was wrong. She asked us to forget about it and forgive her. She said that it was an attack of the enemy on our church and Pastor.”
Aaron and Joyce began trying to prayerfully figure out what to do next. Pastor Gene and his wife were leaving on a vacation at the end of the week and so Aaron arranged a meeting with the four of them before they left.
Aaron described the meeting as a “laying out boundaries” he had determined to enforce. He told the pastor,
He would not be in a room alone with the pastor.
He would not allow the pastor to be with his son.
Aaron would not allow the pastor to touch him.
Their ministry work needed to be in view of others.
The pastor would not enter the prayer room where Aaron kept the music when Aaron was there.
Pastor Gene responded, “Are you calling me a pervert?”
As Aaron explained, this showed Pastor Gene’s hand.
Aaron said, “Nope, never did that. Just laying out boundaries.”
Sacred Trust
Collins notes, “When the male clergy exploits his privileged position for personal sexual satisfaction, he violates a sacred trust that is contrary to Christian morals, doctrine, and canon laws. Because of the respect and even reverence the position carries, there is an imbalance of power and hence a vulnerability inherent in the ministerial relationship.
That “sacred trust” was broken. Aaron knew he was in a very vulnerable position and Pastor Gene was not likely to humble himself. Staying meant further violations and leaving meant the loss of jobs and income.
However, Aaron and Joyce knew they needed to leave the church. Aaron explained to me four perspectives he had as they left:
Aaron said his attitude was, “If Christ forgave me, I have to forgive.”
Many survivors of abusive leadership will understandably struggle with forgiveness in part because they have been taught it means to ignore the sins of their abuser. However, Aaron recognized the need for accountability in leadership. He said that if nobody had come to leadership to report the pastor’s toxic behavior, he wanted to be first. But, if others had, Aaron wanted to corroborate the testimony of those others.
Though it was not their responsibility or burden to bear, Aaron and Joyce sought to leave the church quietly for fear of the sheep scattering. Aaron said he didn’t want it all to blow up and the congregation’s faith to be hurt.
And finally, Aaron said if Pastor Gene wanted help, Aaron was not the one who could give it, but could lead the pastor down that road.
Leaving the Abuse
When Aaron announced his resignation, he saw Pastor Gene begin to cover his tracks.
When Aaron and Joyce met with him a week before his last sunday in the employ of the church, Pastor Gene said, “My wife is Norwegian and I don’t know what I’m going to do with her.”
He blamed her for misreading his actions saying, “I’m a touchy kind of guy. I hug. She doesn’t understand that.”
As Aaron and Joyce left the employ of the church, he spoke with three trusted pastors: his father, Joyce’s uncle, and another local pastor named Troy.
He and Joyce went to her uncle and said they were trying to “get out fast.” The uncle asked why? Aaron said, “It’s just important to get out.”
Joyce’s uncle said, “Is there an issue with pastor?”
Finally Aaron said, “Yeah.”
“Joyce’s Uncle asked her if we were leaving because Pastor was having an affair. Joyce did not respond. He asked if it was with a man. She was shocked and began to cry. Being that they already knew part of the situation, we relayed the whole story to them. They both said they were not surprised.”
The uncle shared about other pastors who had left shortly after working for Pastor Gene. He also spoke of rumors regarding Pastor Gene exhibiting homosexual behavior.
The uncle even described a night “when he got a call and the caller was inappropriate and he thought it sounded like Pastor Gene.”
Up to this point, Aaron and Joyce thought this was an isolated incident. However, the uncle’s comments added to the pastor’s wife’s revelation that it had happened before.
Joyce’s Uncle encouraged them to tell someone what was going on, but Aaron said they felt insecure, embarrassed, and confused.
However, Aaron and Joyce went to Aaron’s father, also a pastor. Aaron explained that his denomination is very concerned about slander and if Aaron accused Pastor Gene of anything, things would not go well for him. His father’s advice was helpful to Aaron. He told Aaron, “Don’t accuse, just share your story when reporting it.”
Blood on His Head
Pastor Troy came to Aaron and asked him why he was leaving the ministry. Again, Aaron tried to hide the true reason, but the pastor kept pushing him.
Aaron asked Pastor Troy, “Why are you pushing?” He replied, “Because I think I know why.” Aaron asked him what he knew and again the pastor said he had heard rumors. The pastor said, “I should have done something about it [when I heard the rumors]. I didn’t, so your blood is on my head. I’m not going to let that happen again.”
As they left the church quietly, they faced the anger and disappointment of family members who didn’t understand their move. How could they leave the church “in a lurch like this,” they asked.
Joyce’s mom shared her suspicions that the pastor had an affair, thinking he was involved in a sexual relationship with a woman. They explained Pastor Gene’s sexual advances. Obviously, it was not an affair as that would imply consent and willing emotional and/or sexual involvement between two adults.
Neither of which applies in Aaron’s case where Pastor Gene groomed and attempted to sexually assault him.
Her father told them they needed to tell others or “Pastor Gene will see it as weakness and he’ll do this same thing again.”
Reporting
After several months, having resigned, Aaron typed up his story and had it notarized. He made two copies “so it wouldn’t be forgotten.” He set up a meeting with the regional leadership of the denomination and read it to them.
Joyce’s father went with them to the meeting along with the other pastor to whom Aaron had shared the story.
The other pastor told Aaron he wanted to tell his own story and not have Aaron in the meeting when he did. He wanted to tell his story seperately from Aaron so the evidence would be presented in an “unbiased way.”
After nearly a year and a half, Aaron and Joyce had heard nothing. The other pastor began pushing the regional leadership to do something.
The leadership called Aaron about meeting with Pastor Gene because the pastor wanted to apologize to him. Aaron agreed to recieving a letter from Pastor Gene, but not a personal visit.
Pastor Gene wrote the letter and it was like so many apologies of abusers. Aaron described it as saying, “I’m sorry you feel badly that I did this to you.” Aaron said there was no actual apology.
The leadership asked Aaron what they should do about Pastor Gene. Aaron shared with them that it was their responsibility to hold him accountable, not Aaron’s.
Accountability
When I asked Aaron what has provided the most healing for him, he said he sought perspective on his ministry. Aaron said, “My dad is a pastor. My gramps is pastor. I have experience knowing that even though people are in the church, they are still people.”
Aaron went on,
“My relationship with God is not dependent on people. It’s got to be my relationship with the Lord . . . We often put people on pedestal because they are in leadership. We honor those people God has given us, but we must primarily honor the Lord. I can’t look to leaders to build my relationship with the Lord. . . Jacob wrestled with god, there is a wrestling we have to have with the Lord to grow.”
Aaron made much of building good and solid boundaries.
Though abuse is never the result of the victim’s sin, but rather the deeply rooted sin in the heart of the abuser, Aaron sought to be humble before the Lord and consider how he could grow, knowing he couldn’t fix Pastor Gene’s heart.
Beauty from Ashes
In parting, Aaron shared that he saw the sovereignty of God in bringing beauty from the ashes of the evil Pastor Gene perpetrated. Though he lost his “dream” job, he was given a beautiful mnistry planting a church, ministering alongside his wife to other broken people.
“He works all things together for our good. I have to believe that and I have seen God’s hand in that.”
It was a life-altering experience that she embraced with “enthusiasm and was filled with joy and excitement” at her future.
This new life led to a basic assumption that all new Christians were on that same road, making her “lenient in forgiveness.” She knew her own sin and the forgiveness she received in Christ. Lisa knew she must pass it on.
She met her future husband, Anthony at a coffee shop. He seemed to her to be “sincere, charming, loving, gentle, mature in his faith.” And, his heart for missions took her in.
She fell fast for him and they were married in two months.
“I soon realised something was wrong in my marriage, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. It was very covert, hidden behind the façade of him fulfilling his God ordained role as head of our family. I found it near impossible to have a productive conversation with him. My opinions were mostly not valued or considered as valid. He used sarcastic jokes to poke fun at me, but I felt the sting deeply inside. If I tried to explain how I felt, my feelings were dismissed as being invalid and I was told I was too sensitive and couldn’t take a joke . . . He was jealous of my friendship with other women and wanted my full attention all the time. He did not have close friends. We only ever went out as a couple.”
On Mission
Lisa and Anthony went on the mission field, but after Anthony had a “falling out” with the mission leadership, the couple returned to their home in South Africa.
Three years later they returned to the mission field, serving in Zambia deep in the bush. She said, “We literally hacked our way onto our newly acquired property and set up a mission base.”
They oversaw a fruitful ministry of developing a Bible Training School and church planting endeavours in addition to various other projects.
During this time, Lisa explained that she tried to be the best wife she could be. She tried to be more submissive. She tried to be an obedient wife. She tried praying more. Believing more. She tried marriage counselling and “watched countless DVD’s on better communication and marriage enrichment.”
She attended seminars. She read books.
However, he would be negative and vindictive. He would constantly nit-pick and used character-assassination often obscured as a joke with Lisa and everyone and everything else around him. Lisa said the staff, fellow missionaries, friends, fellow workers, their children (and at times even their pets) were the targets of his abuse.
Keeping the Peace
She said, “I would desperately try to placate him and keep the peace.” She would excuse his behaviour and defend his actions all the while internally she was screaming at the injustice being done to others.
Lisa tried talking to him. She explained, “I desperately wanted him to understand the devastating consequences his words and actions were having on me and on others.”
But nothing she did could fix her troubled marriage.
He would simply deny everything and then shift the blame to Lisa. She said she would walk away more confused, taking on guilt and shame for what had happened.
Anthony was so sincere in declaring his innocence, she thought surely, he must be right. She was to blame.
The Children
She could see that their marriage would have a major impact on the children and determined to protect them in any way she could.
“I wanted them to feel safe and secure and have a firm foundation of trust and respect. . . I over functioned big time. I just wanted to make things okay and normal.”
Still, there were good times too. He could be charming, friendly and sweet. And Lisa sought to extend these times by never rocking the boat. She knew the bad times, that she described as “really bad,” were just around the corner. But, she worked tirelessly to keep those times at bay.
Inevitably, those bad times came to the fore. No matter what, they were never able to discuss any issue and find a resolution. Never. “Anthony was always right, and he had the final word and say in everything” and somehow, she was to blame.
Every time.
So, Lisa said she would “slump back and do intense introspection, cry, and confess before the Lord and determine to do better next time.” After all, she said, “it was my duty as a Christian wife wasn’t it – to stand by my man for better or for worse?”
Silent Tears in the Night
“There were countless nights of silent tears, of crying out to God to help me find a solution, to soften my husband’s heart, to lead me to an answer. I forget how many times I cried in the toilet whilst I ran the shower to cover my loud sobbing. But then, I would pull myself together, put on my happy face and fill my days with busyness to forget the bruises on my soul.”
In time Lisa said this all became her “normal.” She considered it too horrible to face the truth that her husband and marriage were incredibly broken. She said, “I knew it in my heart but didn’t know what to do about it.”
Like others in domestic abuse, she had no idea where she would go. Abusive mission leaders are notoriously difficult to “out.”
She didn’t even really have the words to describe it and so just “secretly carried the burden and pretended all is well.” Lisa said she became “so good at pretending I fooled everyone. Even myself. I was in denial.”
A Mission of Broken Relationships
Lisa said that things were not going well at the mission base and Anthony had “littered” the path behind him with broken relationships of his own making.
The couple resigned from the mission organisation and a few months later Lisa broke down “in total burn out.” She shared that she emotionally and physically crashed.
Anthony was furious.
It was very inconvenient for him.
He sent her to Johannesburg.
There she “semi-recovered.” However, when she returned to Zambia things became worse than before.
They moved to a new mission location, and he now had absolute control. They lived “off the grid” and were completely dependent on inconsistent solar power. Whether she needed the washing machine, the laptop, to switch on a light, use the car, go to town, buy a cool drink, cut her hair, or visit a friend, she needed permission from Anthony. She had no money. Had no access to money.
Lisa described spending many days under the covers in her bed. She felt hopeless and helpless. She was suicidal. But thoughts of her children and grandchildren prevented her from following through.
He Was Suffering Because of Me
Lisa was shamed by Anthony for making his life miserable and difficult. “He was suffering because of me.” He complained to their pastor that her behaviour and attitude were causing him great distress.
The mission was failing and they had lost most of their personal financial support. He was spending much of their support on the ministry but was not well liked by the local community. Anthony attempted “practical training sessions” with local farmers but Lisa thought they “attended out of politeness, and afterwards no one actually implemented any of his teachings or ideas.”
He was critical and depressed and blamed the lack of success on others and Lisa, who, in his view, were ungrateful for his hard work and sacrifice.
Lisa suggested they return to South Africa to be closer to family and find work. Surprisingly, he agreed, and Lisa was thankful to get back home. However, he did not like Lisa spending so much time with her sister and mother and she continually tried to “appease him and live up to his expectations” while also caring for her family.
Lisa and Anthony’s finances were in very bad shape. Fortunately, when Lisa got a part-time job, she also opened her own savings account. Due to his irresponsibility, she did as much as possible to take care of her own needs.
She knew something had to change. She was desperate.
Again, they tried marriage counselling and were both diagnosed with various relational problems. However, as most marriage counselling goes, there was no diagnosis of abuse. She was discovering that marriage counselling rarely fixes an abuser.
Back at Square One
“And so, we were back at square one, except that I now struggled with increased, suppressed anger.”
Late in 2019, Lisa and Anthony had another incident and she determined to take steps to salvage the marriage. She secretly recorded a conversation and “told him that I was done with the status quo and of taking all the responsibility to find a solution to the conflict and unhappiness in our marriage.”
She explained that she drew a line in the sand. He needed to put some effort into finding help for their embattled marriage. Or else.
Anthony did nothing.
But, with Covid lock-down of 2020 came what Lisa described as her liberation.
A mutual friend knew that she was deeply unhappy and stressed in the marriage. She had challenged Anthony at various times and became his enemy number one. She encouraged Lisa to stop trying to fix him, suggesting he was not going to change. Rather, the friend encouraged her to work on her responses to him instead.
Narcissistic
During a conversation, her friend casually mentioned that Anthony displayed “narcissistic behaviour” and at that moment Lisa said “a light went on for me.” She spent time learning about narcissistic, overt and covert emotional and verbal abuse and realised she had a name for what she was suffering.
She was “ecstatic, relieved and elated! I wasn’t crazy after all!”
For a time, Lisa thought she was the only Christian experiencing this. Then she discovered the shocking statistics for abuse in Christian marriages.
But being a victim of abuse did not sit well with her. Lisa said she was determined not be a “victim, but an overcomer and with time, a thriver!”
Lisa sought out a psychologist and for the first time felt that she was heard and believed. She researched and learned as much as possible. She learned how to “grey-rock” – a strategy to survive emotional abuse – and how to create boundaries.
Gaining Clarity
Slowly she gained clarity.
Anthony spent much time away during one year. It gave Lisa time to develop courage to put boundaries in place and by the time he returned she had made some changes to her lifestyle. She hoped the boundaries would be an opportunity for Anthony to become self-aware and take responsibility for his part in the destruction of their marriage.
He did not.
He accepted it because she “no longer reacted negatively and critically to him.” She realized later that this was a typical response for an abuser. “It is all about how things affect him.” Never would he own up to contributing to the situation.
Lisa refused to be intimate with Anthony.
Again, he didn’t protest.
Lisa then asked him to move out of the bedroom and put “house rules and financial adjustments” in place.
They were living like “housemates with separate lives.”
“I asked him to consider therapy for himself and suggested a therapist. He went three times and then stopped going ‘because he didn’t have any problems.”
Bitter, Angry and Resentful
It became clear to Lisa that he was not willing to take responsibility or to change his behaviour or attitudes.
As time went along, Lisa found she was focusing so much on Anthony’s toxic behaviour that she was becoming what she described as “bitter, angry, and resentful.” She had insomnia and was struggling with her health. She longed for Biblically based advice and counsel.
Then she stumbled upon Leslie Vernick’s website, YouTube videos, and blogs.
Lisa was determined to make staying with Anthony work because she could not envision being financially independent. But it became apparent that living this way was unsustainable.
“The covenant had been broken a long time ago and the marriage was over.”
Leaving Well
Rather than “staying well,” it was time to “leave well.”
With the support of Lisa’s children, her family, and some close friends, she sought out a divorce attorney and filed.
“I followed the safety advice from Vernick’s to inform Anthony of my plan. He did not contest it.”
As she walked out of the courtroom this scripture came to mind:
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.
Galatians 5:1
Lisa was finally free to start rebuilding her life, to heal and see Christ’s restoration and fulfilment of His purposes in her life.
Lisa had gone from victim, to survivor, to thriving as a Conqueror.
Lisa ended by thanking Leslie Vernick and her team for all they did to bring her safely through.
