Monthly Archives: October 2019

Amelia and Ethan: Reading the Signs

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Ethan began his pastoral ministry as an Assistant. After the Senior Pastor left the church of approximately 200, the search was on for a new leader. When Pastor Fredrick was hired, he made a strong first impression.

Ethan noted, “Fredrick resonated strongly with some of my focus.”[1] He said that Fredrick focused on Christ and grace and he added that his “emphases were interesting and helpful.”

Amelia said, “Fredrick gave vocabulary to how I was thinking. He commanded a room.”

Pastor Fredrick told the search committee and his new congregation that he was the “victim” of the elders of the church he had served prior to coming. Amelia said she “felt bad for the guy.“

On the other hand, he was very complimentary of Ethan. He said to Amelia that he told the search committee “the only reason he was coming was because of Ethan.”

In hindsight, Ethan said, “He was already grooming me to be his ally.”

Those Dirty Red Flags

Ethan said there were red flags he should have seen, and to this day, several years later, clearly lives with a certain guilt that he failed himself and his congregation.

Pastor Fredrick was not actually about “grace.” Certainly “manipulation,” but not grace.

Early on Pastor Fredrick told them a strange story. A visitor to the church went to lunch with Fred and there was a huge thunder storm. Apparently, Fredrick and the visitor had a disagreement and the visitor dropped him off in the rain. The pastor appeared at the church completely soaked.

The story made no sense, but they figured, “Why would someone make up something like that?“

When Fredrick moved into his office, he immediately put black paper over the small window in his office door. Though they considered it weird, they figured he just wanted his privacy. Later some pornographic videos showed up from Netflix in the church office. He explained to the secretary it was just “some enemy of church” sending them.

One member walked into his office one day and there was male pornography on his screen.

Pastor Fredrick said his office was robbed at one point. But he said the only thing taken was disposable water bottles. Ethan noted, “All his expensive computer equipment? No.”

These stories didn’t make sense to Ethan and Amelia.

Oh, But He Preaches!

“Meanwhile, everyone loved his preaching.” He said, “The church grew considerably.” After three or four years there was around 300 to 400 in average attendance.

He added, “There was a ton of success. Finances were good.”

But Pastor Fredrick “created an environment that the goal was to keep the church successful at all costs.” Amelia noted the church had a lot of pride in itself for its success under Fredrick.

However, about a year and a half after the arrival of Pastor Fredrick, Ethan began to notice things that he had heard Fredrick say, write, and preach that he had seen in other sources. It looked like plagiarism to him.

He then found out that Fredrick was under investigation by the regional church court for plagiarism. Ethan went to Fredrick two times to talk with him about his discoveries.

Amelia told the story of Fredrick teaching a women’s Bible study and providing a handout that was presented as “his own.” She went home and googled the text and found it was someone else’s writing. When Ethan confronted him on it, Fredrick explained the other church, that had it online, had stolen from him.

Just Want to Believe

Ethan explained, “I wanted to believe and support my senior pastor.” He said, “I was confused. I wanted to be the loyal, supportive, associate pastor.“

To add to the confusion, “[Pastor Fredrick] was preaching that love gives the benefit of the doubt.” Ethan added, “He talked about how his assistant in his old church had been hacking him.” He just could not bring himself to be cynical like Amelia was. She explained she was no longer charmed by Pastor Fredrick after about nine months.

As Ethan struggled to make sense of the evils perpetrated by Pastor Fredrick, he did not have a category to recognize what was going on.

Ethan said, “There was a lot of deceit from him in every corner of the church. He seemed to be a sociopath. You could see he was looking for drama.“

He could not believe a pastor would be so deceptive.

Ethan said the pastor was “pitting one person against another.” But few knew what was going on. “People not [in leadership] had a such a hard time understanding how he could preach such good sermons and be so bad.”

It wasn’t until later that church leaders began to connect the dots…only after Pastor Fredrick had resigned. Then the stories came pouring in like an “avalanche.”

Ethan described Pastor Fredrick as having the “seared conscience” that Romans 1 and 1 Timothy 4:2 describes.

He “came to see this as descriptive of the pastor. There’s no conscience. It was burned over.“

Defrocked

The pastor, while under investigation, encouraged his elders and congregation to leave their denomination. The congregation voted to split the sheets, but both Ethan and Amelia struggled with the decision, with Amelia ultimately voting against her pastor.

The denomination, acting on its bylaws, continued the plagiarism trial despite the church vote, keeping Pastor Fredrick from moving out of the denomination and accountability to the denomination.

In the end, he was found guilty and “defrocked” from the pastorate.

Pastor Fredrick was put under the care of another church and not allowed to minister. However, he soon left that church and started his own, independent church.

The Learning Curve

There were a number of things Amelia and Ethan learned in their trial of being under toxic leadership in the church. They told their story that others may be comforted with the comfort they received from the Father of mercies as 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 says.

  • Emelia has found that she is “always leery of someone who plays the victim card” in the wake of this trial. She feels his victimhood should have been a red flag when he criticized his former church.
  • Ethan said he is “skeptical of crazy stories that don’t make sense.” Prior to this experience he had operated with the underlying belief that a pastor could never be so deceptive. However, this incident has formed his understanding of the biblical concept of the seared conscience.
  • Amelia and Ethan ask, “How do you keep your soft heart and at same time maintain a healthy discernment?” Having been burned by Pastor Fredrick and having believed his manipulative assurances, it is now easy to be hardened and see manipulation behind every rock.
  • When speaking of muddling in the mess of the brokenness created by Pastor Fredrick, Ethan said, “There is a natural tendency is to run away. You don’t want to deal with the mess. Just want to get to a healthier place.” But Ethan believes that the “hard work of being with the people was very healing.” It was important to them to work through what had happened with others who went through it with them before moving on to another ministry.
  • Pastor Fredrick always portrayed himself as the “chief of sinners,” as Paul writes in 1 Timothy 1:16. But Ethan noted he would not confess specific sin. “There was a shield of humility that was about protecting his postion.”

This particular point was striking to me. In my research [see blog] and hearing story after story, a common denominator in abusive leadership is a lack of humility in the leader. However, I find there is often a veneer of humility that hides an aversion to admitting any particular sin.

Just as one person told me: “I was fine with Jesus dying for the world’s sins, but not so keen on Him dying for my sin.”

Advice to Other Survivors of Toxic Leadership

When asked how they would advise others going through the mess of toxic leadership, Ethan and Amelia gave some helpful comments.

In the end, Ethan expressed his sorrow over not seeing the signs of abusive leadership early on. He explained it cut to the core of his understanding of his calling. He asked himself if the pastorate really was his calling if he was so easily manipulated this way.

He noted that the shepherd of the sheep is called to “protect the sheep” and yet he feels that he was unable to do that.

However, experience teaches us that these trials instruct God’s people and it is rare that people get it right the first time around…or even the second or third time around.[James 1:2-4] God calls us to give the benefit of the doubt to our brothers and to forgive freely.[Matthew 18:23-35]


If grace is our default position, there are bound to be some failures in reading the signs of abusive leadership.

NOTES:

Ethan, Amelia, and Pastor Fredrick are not their real names.

John & the Autocrat

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John spent one and a half years serving as a Youth Pastor before resigning, under pressure, due to an autocratic Senior Pastor.

He noted in my interview with him that his purpose for accepting the position was that Pastor “Jim” promised, “I’ll train you, give you preaching [opportunities], visits . . . the whole gamut of ministry.” He desired to gain valuable experience in ministry following his seminary training and this position appeared to provide that opportunity.

But autocrats mostly give trials and tribulation…

No Shared Authority

John described an incident when, as the Youth Pastor, he was encouraged to visit the local crisis pregnancy ministry. He spoke with the director, who had contracted HIV-AIDS from his wife, had experienced his baby (who also had HIV-AIDS) “die in his arms,” was divorced from this wife, and in the end became a Christian.

In the course of the discussion, John decided to bring him to speak to his youth group. There was a 16 year old mother in the group and he hoped that it would be of real encouragement to her.

Because the crisis center director had an earring, John decided it would be wise to inform the pastor due to the “fundamentalist” leaning of the church. He approached Pastor Jim to seek permission.

Pastor Jim “just killed it right there.”

In another incident, John was seeking permission to move the 16 year old mother to the “college group” because “she was still of the mindset that [she was] a teenager” and he believed the college group would provide more maturation for her.

Again, Pastor Jim did not allow him to exercise his authority as the Youth Pastor and John was “stuck in the middle” between the pastor and families that were concerned for their own young children that were in the same group.

He found it necessary, as one under the authority of the pastor, to “come up with some reason of why the pastor [thought it] better to leave her” in the youth group to calm the parents.

The Joys and Sorrows of Serving

The position of an assistant to a senior pastor provides unique opportunities and challenges. There is real pleasure in “working together with people who believe the same thing you believe,” as one of my interviewees noted. Working with others called to the ministry can provide great joy.

John said he “enjoyed the interaction with the people…there were some incredibly godly and encouraging people in that church.”

John took great pleasure in using his gifts to serve people in the church. It was evident that he was supported and encouraged by most in the congregation where you see people’s lives grow and be fulfilled in a way that has never been fulfilled before.

John, noting that “shepherding is my favorite aspect of working in ministry,” told of an opportunity he had to shepherd a teenager who had told his parents he was an “agnostic” and was finding it difficult to believe that his parents loved him and would support him nonetheless.

John was able to encourage him and help him through that time of questioning. The young man later turned to the Lord and John believed he was able to use his gifts in this assistant role despite not believing God was calling him to be a long-term youth pastor.

However

Despite his successes, John was placed in awkward positions with the senior pastor. In each case, his concern for the authority of the pastor and peace of the church was evident in the interviews.

John said, “I didn’t want to see the church hurt as I was leaving. I didn’t want to see a schism,” as he described two leaders in the church (Deacons) coming to him to discuss actions by the senior pastor. John was very careful with whom he spoke during the crises and when leaving the church.

John did experience many opportunities to use his giftedness for the building of God’s kingdom in his assistant role in the church. However, seeking to work alongside a pastor that practices autocratic leadership can be emotionally damaging.

Managing Emotions in the Storm

John observed multiple times when his supervising pastor was highly authoritative and hurtful to those under their care. The frequency of such events were instrumental in his resignation.

According to John, the employment of and subsequent “tying of [his] hands” was part of Pastor Jim’s overall strategy to prove to his Deacon board that the position of Youth Pastor was not needed.

The lack of respect shown by the senior pastor created significant hurt to Jim. However, it was only later that he realized the significance of the emotional injury.

John said he and his wife took a year and a half out from ministry to heal from the hurt caused by the pastor.

John sought to limit the relational damage of the pastor by speaking with few people in the church about his experiences (like Margo). John was very careful to keep his frustration contained by sharing primarily with family members. He added, “If I had had more interaction with the deacons, who were also frustrated, it would have been very difficult to stay supportive, to not complain, not gossip.”

Healing

John noted that he spoke with both his father and uncle, who are pastors, to gain perspective emotionally. He found it helpful to have an outlet to express frustration and hurt in a constructive way with someone who was trustworthy but was not directly tied to the church.

As John evaluated his emotional response, he noted that he “spent most of that year and a half frustrated” and didn’t “have good spiritual disciplines established.”

Because of this, he said he “didn’t process through things as I would have…if I would have I probably wouldn’t have stayed as long.”

His year and a half out of ministry following his resignation was because he “was more broken than I should have been had I been processing my emotions more effectively.” John believed that had he had a deeper relationship with the Lord, he would have seen his context more clearly and left the position.

Learning

However, according to John, this time of struggle in ministry was invaluable to his growth as a leader. He said, “I learned from it that my relationship with Christ needs to be what gives me the confidence and satisfaction rather than my relationships with the pastor, or church…it needs to be much more personal…that union with Christ. Who am I in Christ?”

John had an amicable relationship with Pastor Jim,

“But…he made it very clear he’s the leader of this church. He’s in charge…So…the level of authority that he exhibited was intimidating to me, because I knew his word was final. So I wouldn’t ever push that.”

He felt “defeated, like my hands were tied. Like I had no authority.” He was given the task of leading the kids, but he had to do exactly what Pastor Jim told him to do.

“But, how exactly is that leadership? I don’t have any authority to make decisions.”

There was very evident frustration in his voice as he described the inhibiting of his ability to minister to the youth by Pastor Jim’s authoritarianism. Having come to learn ministry, the actions of the pastor “really took the wind out of my sails.”

His ability to differentiate himself (not being caught up in the emotions of others) while operating in an environment of broken relationships and anxiety was a valuable lesson learned. He shared that though he “didn’t have the guts to argue with [Pastor Jim] at that time,” he would now.

In addition, he learned that much of his training in seminary focused on the idea that the pastor receives the vision from God and passes it on to the congregation. Having experienced this form of leadership from Pastor Jim, he recognized that perspective was actually devastating to the ministry.

John came to understand his ultimate authority was God and not the senior pastor and this helped him respond with a significant level of “self-differentiation.”

In Summary

A pastor that leads autocratically may leave little room for those under his authority to use their gifts and practice effective ministry.

As James Kouzes and Barry Posner say,

“People don’t quit their organizations; they quit their leaders.”[1]

It is not an infrequent occurrence that those who are called to gospel ministry find employment in churches led by autocratic pastors. The often devastating emotional effects on those who serve as their assistants are felt for years. Rather than enter into a joint ministry that provides a learning environment for an inexperienced assistant, the assistant’s gifts are squandered by “self-serving leaders [who] use the trust and authority that accrues to them to help themselves” rather than train and equip their assistant in ministry.[2]

Those caught in the emotional triangles of pastor-assistant-church must navigate relationships that are fraught with emotion, balancing respect and submission to the senior pastor and care and shepherding for the congregation. Because autocratic senior pastors are often given extensive authority by elder and deacon boards that are more inclined to “herding instincts” – keeping the peace at all costs – the assistant is left to cope with the emotional struggle, sometimes unaided by those in the church.

Though the elder board had the authority to hire or fire the senior pastor in John’s case, the perceived or real power of the pastor overcame that authority and the board adopted a herding mentality that allowed an environment of control and poor decision-making.[3]

Because strong, authoritative leaders can often be seen as God’s “anointed,” gathering around them disciples attracted to their power, it becomes more and more difficult for a leadership team to reject the autocrat. Autocratic pastors may provide skills and gifts in many areas, but the overwhelming effect of their leadership appears to be destructive to important relationships and the witness of the body of Christ.

It is very apparent, when interviewing those under autocratic leaders, that a pastor who considers his vision of primary importance to the congregation creates an environment where there is no psychological safety for the purpose of building a team ministry.

Autocratic leaders rarely change and are rarely open to confrontation. Therefore, how an assistant copes with the daily interactions with this type of pastor is of the greatest importance, particularly if the assistant feels trapped in the job with little recourse financially or vocationally.

But rarely is it worth the spiritual and emotional damage wrought by staying in the claws of an autocratic leader.

NOTES:

[1] Maxwell, Christian Reflections on The Leadership Challenge, 122.

[2] Herrington, The Leader’s Journey, 52–53.

[3] Friedman, A Failure of Nerve, 1285–1287, 1306-1308.