A number of years ago, the “prayer of Jabez” became the in thing. This short prayer recorded in 1st Chronicles 4 became the subject of books and articles globally.
The chronicler tells of Jabez, a man more “honorable than his brothers.” Jabez prays that God would bless him and “enlarge [his] border.” In addition, he asked that God’s hand would be with him and he would be kept from harm “so that it might not bring [him] pain.” [1 Chronicles 4:9-10]
Scripture says Jabez’ name means pain. His mother gave him the name, she said, “Because I bore him in pain.“
1st Chronicles says, “God granted what he asked.”
Before the Story Begins
But, before this story even begins, we understand that Jabez was truly a God-follower. He was “honorable.” And he was seeking God’s help through prayer, not his own ability, to get more wealth—in essence what enlarging his border would do. He was dependent on the Lord.
So, how did Jabez get to that point?
I would suggest that it came from an “enlarged heart.” The psalmist in Psalm 119 says,
I have chosen the way of faithfulness; I set your rules before me. I cling to your testimonies, O Lord; let me not be put to shame! I will run in the way of your commandments when you enlarge my heart!
[Psalm 119:30-32 (ESV)]
Notice, the psalmist says he had chosen “the way of faithfulness” and was clinging to the Word of God. But, note that he ends this paragraph saying he will follow God whenHe enlarges his heart. What an interesting way to put it, don’t you think?
It is important firstly to note that the word, “heart” [לֵב] in Hebrew means “feelings, will, and even intellect.” The scripture writers do not really distinguish between thinking and feeling.
The enlightened West, and even the Greeks, have done much to separate emotion and thinking, but this comes more from experience than scripture or even neurological studies. Though they come from two different parts of the brain, their interaction is almost as if they are one.
The psalmist is suggesting he follows the Lord becausehis whole inner man, in the language of scripture, is enlarged by God.
Returning to Jabez, he prays from an enlarged heart for an enlarged territory.
If we love the Lord and therefore, have enlarged hearts, we may wish to seek to have enlarged territories. As leaders, there is much to be seen in the model of Jabez.
Enlarged Influence
Enlarged territory means enlarged influence. Some leaders seek that influence thatthey may be enlarged. They will be powerful. They will rule with authority. They will control. They will gain fame or fortune. They will be important. [see article]
But, that is not how Jabez’s prayer should be applied. He apparently had an “enlarged heart” to follow the Lord before he ever asked for territory.
Because the Lord answered his prayer and there is no more spoken of Jabez, we can assume that Jabez had motives that were coming from that enlarged heart – from an honorable man who had godly motives.
Though no man is sinless in his motives, and Jabez most likely had some desire to spend it on himself [as James says], he apparently had good motives as well.
And I would imagine those motives were to enlarge his ability to minister to others:
His family
His servants
His world
Do you, as a leader, wish to expand your influence?
First, seek that the Lord would enlarge your heart to follow Him. That you would, with the Psalmist, choose the “way of faithfulness,” cling to God’s Word, and run in the way of His commands.
Secondly, seek greater influence for the good. The good of your neighbor not your own greatness. Make it your motive not to spend your enlarged territory on your pleasures, but on the edification of those around you.
What keeps abuse of authority in the workplace and home alive?
Going along to get along
It is man’s penchant for crowd-mongering. It is my penchant for pleasing others. While reading the beginning of the book of Proverbs in the Bible, I was struck by the applicability of the very first chapter to the experience most of us have had in a toxic environment.
The writer, likely King Solomon, warns against throwing in with the wrong crowd. Where I had always understood the passage as applied to throwing in with a bunch of criminals planning and executing a bank heist, it is most certainly broader and more sinister than that.
Solomon said,
My son, if sinners entice you, do not consent. If they say, “Come with us, let us lie in wait for blood; let us ambush the innocent without reason; like Sheol let us swallow them alive, and whole, like those who go down to the pit; we shall find all precious goods, we shall fill our houses with plunder; throw in your lot among us; we will all have one purse”—my son, do not walk in the way with them; hold back your foot from their paths, for their feet run to evil, and they make haste to shed blood.
Proverbs 1:10-16 (ESV)
Bad Boys
These are really bad guys.
I remember traveling in Germany many years ago. We wanted to get a close-up look at a castle. We saw one at a distance as we tooled along on the Autobahn. We took an exit to a small village that appeared to be near the castle. As we tried to make heads or tales of the street system that originated in the oxcart days, we finally gave up finding the way and stopped to ask directions at a bank.
In mostly English, with horrible German thrown in, I asked how to get to the castle. The cashiers were baffled by what I was asking, but finally with much pointing and describing, one of them came to a revelation and said, “Oh, bad boys, bad boys!”
After some moments of confusion it became clear the castle was now used as a prison. We were not welcome there.
Solomon could easily be referring to falling in with anyone who is leading you into sin. And he is certainly suggesting we should not be complicite with sin. But he also describes really bad boys. Let us ambush the innocent without reason.Like death let us swallow them alive and whole!
These boys are really bad in his description.
They are people that abuse specialist, Dan Allendar, classifies as “evil” from the proverbs. He says,
“All of us are capable of doing evil things, but evil people are driven by a self-interest that is so heartless, conscious, and cruel that it delights in stealing from others the lifeblood of their soul.”
Dan Allender, page 233
We should not allow ourselves to be sucked into being part of the oppressive behavior of others. Consider how that applies to a Christian organization led by toxic managers, boards, or CEOs.
Stand Apart
We firstly cannot join in with the toxic leader. Stand apart from him.
We cannot stand in agreement with him in his oppressive actions. We cannot laugh at his demeaning comments towards another employee.
We cannot try to play middleman as we did in our mission context in Africa.
As others were beat up by the leadership of our mission, we sought to soften the blows. Until we realized we were complicite in the abuse in doing so.
We cannot support the toxic leader.
By giving any credence to their behaviour, we are throwing our lot in among them. We are telling those who are deeply offended by the toxic leader’s lack of Christian witness that the toxic leader’s actions are acceptable.
Stand Against
In addition, we should take the next step: stand against him.
For the good of others and even the toxic leader, confront the sin. Find a way to challenge his meanness.
To whom does he report?
How can you bring him to accountability?
Who has also suffered from his abuse that can go with me to authorities?
This can be tricky as many abusive authorities, though under someone else’s authority, know how to control those in authority over them through manipulation and charm. It can be difficult to convince the authority of the bosses’ nastiness.
Often we suggest grace must be extended. If that is how you understand grace, read this.
Remember that it is grace to confront sin.
Stand Among
And finally, stand among those who are targets.
Though we do not stand with the toxic leader, we need to stand with their victims.
Though Solomon does not speak to this in his proverb, it is biblical to stand with the oppressed. God calls on his people to bring justice to those who are crushed by the powerful. [Psalm 103:6]
Toxic work environments are not the way it is supposed to be in a Christian organization. It is a broken world, but God has called his people to seek the reversal of the curse that sin brings.
Be part of the process for de-toxifying your ministry.
Do you have a story to tell. Contact Pearls and Swine Site and tell it. We want to know how the Lord is using and teaching you.
Allender, Dan B., and Tremper Longman III. Bold Love. Colorado Springs, CO: NavPress, 2014.
According to Roman Catholic doctrine, a Pope speaking ‘ex cathedra’ on issues of faith or morals is infallible. In general use, the phrase has come to be used with regard to statements made by people in positions of authority, and it is often used ironically to describe someone speaking with overbearing or unwarranted self-certainty. [Merriam-Webster dictionary]
Janet sat under Pastor Joe for several years. He had been hired following the exit of a popular pastor who went on to found another ministry. Pastor Joe was encouraged to spend a few months getting to know his new church before making significant changes in its ministry.
Go Slow
It was a gracious congregation that had always had a stable, small town ministry. The people were friendly and welcoming to the new pastor. However, Joe did not take the advice and proceeded to shake up the church soon after arriving.
He appointed his own people to a church committee. His intent was to disband the current committee whose members were long-time, committed congregants. Members of the church became fearful of stepping out in ministry as he would possibly disapprove. They had to watch their backs.
Janet was married to Mike, who had been an elder in the church, and was very careful not to criticize the new pastor. Early on, as the volunteer nursery coordinator, Janet was completely ignored when Pastor Joe decided to make changes in that ministry. She had filled the position when it needed a coordinator, and though committed heavily in other areas of the church, believed she was fulfilling a needed role in the church.
One Sunday Pastor Joe explained from the pulpit there would be a meeting regarding the “new” nursery. Mike leaned over to Janet and asked if she knew anything about it.
She was just as surprised as her husband to hear of a ministry meeting to which she, as the coordinator, had not been invited.
She determined not to allow Pastor Joe’s oversight to bother her, however she, “Expected some acknowledgement of the breach of protocol.” After all, everyone knew it was her role.
Janet decided to go to the meeting anyway and be whatever help she could be in the transition.
It was very “awkward.” It became apparent there was a “team that was recruited to replace her.” She was released of any responsibility and a paid caregiver was let go in that meeting. Janet said she was not terribly disappointed in losing her position, but “took offense at how it was done . . . the process.”
In addition, the nursery was going to be moved into another room. The Sunday School teacher who held her class in that room had not been notified and no one actually went to her to discuss the move.
Janet took it upon herself to “run interference,” something at which she became adept in the following years. She “buffered” some of his poor leadership as members of the congregation suffered from his relational bombs.
Authority & Control
Janet said she “was trying to make excuses or understand why it was happening this way.” She said she felt like she had “been whopped a little bit and didn’t know why.”
It was not until later that she could see the pattern. It no longer seemed like an “isolated incident.”
She realized in an “epiphany moment” that Pastor Joe simply loved exercising authority and control.
In time she recognized the pulpit was his “bully pulpit” as she came to understand the meaning of that term. “He would just bash from the pulpit as no one could respond.”
One Sunday Pastor Joe spoke of his authority while in the pulpit. She got the idea from his sermon he was saying,
“When in pulpit I am God’s man and you must obey. You must not push back.”
She was shocked. He said he spoke with God’s authority in the pulpit and must be heeded.
She looked around at the congregation to see if anyone else was shocked. Janet figured out that Joe was using the pulpit to control his congregation.
Matthew 18
When asked if the Matthew 18 principles of confrontation came into play in their relationship she explained she was in a difficult situation. Early on she considered his poor leadership “stylistic” rather than sinful and so worked hard on her own attitude. She considered his failures small enough to overlook. Janet said others did not know she was struggling so much with him except those who picked up on her body language.
In addition, she was hesitant to confront because Janet’s husband had been involved in the ministry before. She believed it would be misunderstood since she was the wife of a former elder.
In time, her husband Mike became the target of some of his attacks. She then felt even more strongly that she should remain free of the fray. There were others who were confronting who did not have a husband in the battle.
Prayer
Janet explained that when she first began to struggle with Pastor Joe she considered her biblical responsibilities to be clear. She said, she “felt like, right or wrong, it was a matter of applying principles and so not so much a matter of prayer.” But, as others were being hurt by his tactics, she began to pray “for the truth to come out” and for her “heart and motives to be clear.”
Because she was now having to take a position, she jokingly said she prayed that she “would win!” She prayed that her “position would be vindicated.” [see this article]
Healing
When I asked Janet how she has healed since those dark days, she said she “took it to the foot of cross. Put my own sin and others’ there.” She said she still carries a wound. She added, “The first incident was deep enough that I avoided that ministry for a long time.“
She said she did get some vindication. It was helpful and she is not sure how well she would have healed had there not been some vindication.
Janet also learned valuable leadership lessons from the experience. She was reaffirmed that she should never “mistreat people under” her ministry.
Even now Janet tries to “be in a position of forgiveness.” She noted that forgiveness is transactional. There are times when there is no reconciliation in a relationship. The erring party must be ready to admit and seek forgiveness for their sin (Matthew 18:21-22).
Pastor Joe has never sought her forgiveness, but she would like to be ready to respond in forgiveness should he ever seek it.
Heads Up
Janet made several recommendations to those who are suffering under abusive leadership.
Pay attention to your instincts: If you continue to struggle with the sense something is off, believe it and act accordingly.
Don’t buy into the lie that makes you believe something that isn’t true: Hold to your core values and work it out from there. Consider getting the thoughts of a third party to assess your perspective on the leader.
Share: Be careful of gossip, but have one person you can trust to keep it between you to share your struggles. Recovery needs community and there are leaders that cannot be confronted. You need to share it.
The church needs educated: The church needs to learn about abusive leadership. Janet noted we are good at extending grace, but need to learn when to confront.
Because people are tight-lipped for fear of gossiping, the patterns of abuse may be difficult to see as we think we are the only one suffering.
Janet said, “We teach unity, body, grace, etc . . . but not wolves in sheep’s clothing.“
