Category Archives: Counseling

Scattered & Found Spiritual Abuse Support Group

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I would like to share with you a new spiritual abuse support group that my friend, Aaron Hann is starting. Aaron is a counselor and has had much success in helping survivors of spiritual abuse and religious trauma find healing.

Below is information and a link to his video describing this group. Here are the basics:

  • What: 24-week virtual support group for survivors of spiritual abuse and religious trauma.
  • When: Daytime CST (most likely Mondays or Fridays)
  • Tentative start date: TBD (Hopefully by March 2026 depending on interest)
  • Price: $400 (payment plan available upon request)
  • Sign up: Google Interest Form.

You can read this or watch Aaron’s video, it’s the same content. This will take you to Aaron’s Substack site which is also a wonderful resource.

Scattered and Found

The name Scattered and Found comes from John 10:12 (where the wolf scatters the sheep) and John 9:35 (where Jesus finds the healed blind man who had been scattered). This group is a bit different from other short-term support groups, and I’m going to take some time to explain what it is all about. If you or someone you love might benefit from a group like this, I think the time to read or listen is worth it. It will help you decide if this group might be a good fit. I believe it can provide unique help to survivors struggling to reconnect with faith and spiritual community.

Why Support Groups?

One of the most painful realities in religious trauma healing is a paradox: we need community to heal; but community is what harmed us and thus feels dangerous. So how can we heal? One helpful avenue is through a support group of fellow sufferers who share your specific pain. While it doesn’t alleviate all of the reasonable doubts and fears, it often feels safer to heal alongside others healing from the same or similar experience. “Safety is the treatment,” and I put safety first in the designs for this group.

A Book and a Group

Scattered and Found is a support group, but specifically it is a book group, and so it has two elements: a book, and a group. I’m going to explain them in that order, but please don’t mistake the order for priority. The group is just as important as the book, and in some respects, more so. One can engage a book, even a book of the Bible, in isolation. Not so with a group.

The Book

This group is centered on a slow reading of the Gospel of John, for a very important and perhaps surprising reason: John was written for Christians suffering from trauma caused by religious abuse and oppression. There are many ways of explaining this. The quick version is that the group of Jewish believers for whom John was written, often known as the Johannine Community (ie the community of John), were kicked out of the Jewish synagogue and the entirety of their Jewish community because of their belief in Jesus. While there are many layers to this—ethnicity, culture, politics, and religion—it is the religious component that makes John especially relevant for religious trauma survivors in any setting.

I’m going to share just a few places in John’s narrative that give us glimpses of the traumatic experiences of the Johannine community. If you join this group, you will see even more of these signs of God speaking directly to your traumatic experiences and God’s healing grace. But since this theme is probably new, I don’t want you to just take my word for it. I’m reading these without explaining any story context; just pay attention to themes of fear, violence, conflict, and trauma. 

First, there are repeated mentions of excommunication and the threat of religious persecution, notably, not from people of other faiths (ie Roman authorities), but from those who shared the same Jewish faith:

  • John 9:22 His parents said these things because they were afraid of the Jews, since the Jews had already agreed that if anyone confessed him as the Messiah, he would be banned from the synagogue.
  • John 9:34-35 “You were born entirely in sin,” they replied, “and are you trying to teach us?” Then they threw him out. [35] Jesus heard that they had thrown the man out, and when he found him, he asked, “Do you believe in the Son of Man?”
  • John 12:42 Nevertheless, many did believe in him even among the rulers, but because of the Pharisees they did not confess him, so that they would not be banned from the synagogue.
  • John 15:20 “Remember the word I spoke to you: ‘A servant is not greater than his master.’ If they persecuted me, they will also persecute you. If they kept my word, they will also keep yours.”
  • John 16:2 They will ban you from the synagogues. In fact, a time is coming when anyone who kills you will think he is offering service to God.

Second, there are repeated mentions of religious violence and fear of religious authorities.

  • John 5:18 This is why the Jews began trying all the more to kill him: Not only was he breaking the Sabbath, but he was even calling God his own Father, making himself equal to God.
  • John 7:13 Still, nobody was talking publicly about him for fear of the Jews.
  • 10:12 “The hired hand, since he is not the shepherd and doesn’t own the sheep, leaves them and runs away when he sees a wolf coming. The wolf then snatchesand scatters them.”
  • John 11:8 “Rabbi,” the disciples told him, “just now the Jews tried to stone you, and you’re going there again?”
  • John 12:10-11 But the chief priests had decided to kill Lazarus also, [11] because he was the reason many of the Jews were deserting them and believing in Jesus.
  • John 19:38 After this, Joseph of Arimathea, who was a disciple of Jesus—but secretly because of his fear of the Jews—asked Pilate that he might remove Jesus’s body.
  • John 20:19 When it was evening on that first day of the week, the disciples were gathered together with the doors locked because they feared the Jews.
  • John 20:26 A week later his disciples were indoors again, and Thomas was with them…[and] the doors were locked.

Can you hear the story? Why would there be so much repeated emphasis on fear and religious violence? Because that is what John’s audience lived through. John highlights those themes to point out how the story of Jesus speaks specifically to the lived experience of religious trauma.

The Group

One of John’s programmatic, foundational themes is that famous statement in 1:14, “The Word became flesh, and dwelt among us.” This group is a way for the Word to become flesh. After Jesus, the enfleshed Word, was raised and ascended to heaven, he sent the Spirit and became Word again in the pages of Scripture. We encounter the enfleshed Word in the Bible. “The gospel of John provides more than the fact of the Incarnation; through the very specific words the Word speaks, the gospel narrative enacts the Incarnation for the gospel’s readers.”1

And, as 1 John 4:12 makes clear, we encounter the divine Word in other brothers and sisters: “No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us.” We are invited into a process, of Word becoming flesh [incarnation], expressed in words [inspired Scripture], and then those words put on flesh again among us in our love for one another. And we participate in the divine Word when we likewise allow the Word to be enfleshed among us.

It’s a reciprocal dynamic of finding our story in this story of the Word, which sheds further light on our story, which then invites the Word into our lives today by the presence of the Spirit who mediates the divine Word and the written Word.

Format

The basic format of the group is simple—on the surface more like a 12-step meeting or a Bible study. But it is a support group, and it’s not a traditional Bible study, nor is it a 12-step meeting. 21 of the meetings will be devoted to each of John’s 21 chapters. Additionally, we will have a joint intro session, a final closing session, and an (optional) individual session with me. Each meeting we will read the chapter aloud in the group, go through a round of sharing, read the chapter again, and then a second round of sharing. We also practice a short time of silence, starting at one minute and gradually working up to five minutes.

The key element that makes this group supportive and healing is that we will explicitly and intentionally read John in light of religious trauma and experiences of spiritual abuse/church harm/deconstruction/etc. That is literally why this Gospel was written and how it was intended to be read by the original audience. As Barbara Stewart put it when describing her trauma recovery groups for war veterans reading through Homer’s Odyssey and Iliad, “It is a book group where we put the text in the middle of the room and allow its meanings to resonate.”2 We will put the Fourth Gospel in the middle of the room and allow its meanings to resonate. Additionally, following Stewart, “[John] offers [survivors] a map for coming home. The reading group provides the opportunity to read the map.”3 Like traumatized war veterans being guided home in their reading of the Odyssey4, John guides traumatized believers to the home promised by Father, Son, and Holy Spirit (John 14:2, 17, 23). Only, as John tells us, we have a distinct advantage: Jesus promised his Spirit to all disciples, and promised that the Spirit “will teach you all things and remind you of everything I have told you” (14:26). “If this story is the story of the enfleshed Word, what happens to the words of the Word when the Incarnation comes to an end, as it will with Jesus’ death? The resolution, which Jesus himself offers within the framework of the story, is that the Paraclete will carry Jesus’ words into the future.”5 The Spirit leads us to the words of the Word in the Gospel of John so that they are not just words but, as Jesus said, “The words that I have spoken to you are spirit and are life” (6:63).

Not a Therapy Group

This group is designed to be supportive and to provide a place for belonging and healing through the sharing of personal experience. However, it is not group therapy in the sense of process groups or individualized work. While this group is for trauma survivors, it is not focused on the embodied wounds of trauma (nervous system regulation skills, etc.), nor is there focused education on abuse, trauma, and receovery (defining, recognizing, naming, etc.). Those are critical components of healing which can be addressed through counseling or other support groups. While this group is supportive in nature, at times a member can experience some discomfort. If this were to happen, or has a chance of happening, members are encouraged to have an outside counselor. I am also available for individual counseling and can be reached at hanncounseling@gmail.com and https://aaronjhann.com. 

A Note on Potential Members

I will often refer to members as friends because of Jesus’ astounding statement in John 15:15, “I have called you friends.” It is possible that your group will have friends with some or all of these experiences: friends from toxic, abusive systems with harmful theology but without any specific abuser or abuse event; friends who were spiritually abused by peers; friends who were spiritually abused by parents; friends who were spiritually abused by pastors, teachers, and organizational leaders; and friends who were leaders abused by other leaders and/or congregants. (Of course, none of that excludes other forms of abuse in addition to the spiritual component). Depending on one’s personal experience, having friends with different experiences can be triggering. This is actually a good thing, though it isn’t easy. It creates the possibility of seeing the humanity in someone who, because of association with our own trauma, we might prejudge as bad/dangerous/untrustworthy. It is important to be aware of this possibility, but at the same time, all potential members are screened to ensure good fit and safety for the group.

24 Weeks?

24 weeks is long. That’s basically six months. Change takes time. Healing and repair, when lasting, takes time. I recognize six months might sound like too much. As a survivor of religious trauma you may not even know what your life will look like in 6 months, what job you will have, where you will live. That’s okay. You will get more out of this group if you can attend every meeting, but attendance is certainly not mandatory. I am asking members to commit to a minimum of 18 sessions (about 75% of the group). General consistency is for the good of the group as well as each member, and a consistent place of belonging can re-ignite and sustain hope, whatever your unique season of life. 

Book/Word and Group/Flesh

I call this a “book group,” and I use that phrase intentionally. It is word and flesh. Scripture and embodied relationship (even if we aren’t in the same room together). 

Now, you might find one or both of the elements—the book and the group—triggering and daunting. Religious groups are scary after spiritual abuse. The Bible is scary after spiritual abuse. But we need both: we need grace from God offered to us in his Word, and we need that grace to be Spiritually mediated through connection with others. My aim is for this book group to provide a safe environment—kind of like the locked room in which the disciples hid from the dangerous religious authorities in John 20. They still locked the room one week later even though Jesus had already proclaimed to them the shalom of God in his healed hands and side (20:26). This group is a room where you can meet Jesus again, in the middle of your fear, joining hands with fellow traumatized brothers and sisters.

If you are doubting in the wake of trauma, wrestling with what you believe, asking questions while also afraid to ask questions, this book group is for you.

If you were abused by a pastor, religious leader, and/or church community, this book group is for you.

If you were silenced, forced out, or kicked out of your church, this book group is for you.

If church and faith stirs fear and anger and other negative emotions, this book group is for you.

If you feel like an outcast and are searching for where you belong, this book group is for you.

If you were betrayed and scandalized by a trusted leader or group of leaders, this book group is for you.

This book is for you, and this group is for you, and I look forward to taking this journey through John together.

Interest

If this interests you, please submit your information at this link: Google Interest Form.

If you think this group might benefit a friend, relative, or person under your care, please consider sharing this information.

Testimonials from previous members:

“The time spent in this group is precious. I found the community, support, and discussions in this group healing. Reading through the book of John together and sharing stories and perspectives created a safe space for personal growth.” — Anonymous

“You’re not alone. Come join and see how not alone you are.” — Anonymous

“This group is truly wonderful. It is a safe place to feel seen, heard, and share the scripture together. I highly recommend this group and Aaron Hann’s other services. He’s so knowledgeable, caring, and offers transformational support.” — Anonymous

NOTES

1 Gail O’Day, “‘I have said these things to you…’: The Unsettled Place of Jesus’ Discourses in Literary Approaches to the Fourth Gospel,” in Word, Theology, and Community in John, edited by John Painter, Alan Culpepper, and Fernando Segovia (Chalice Press, 2022), 153.

2 Roberta Stewart, “Amphora: Ancient Narratives and Modern War Stories: Reading Homer with Combat Veterans” (Society for Classical Studies, August 8, 2015), 5.

3 Stewart, “Amphora,” 8.

4 For more on this, see Auditing Trauma: How Israel Heard Joseph’s Story.

5 Gail O’Day, “I have said these things,” 152.

Job’s Counselors: The Misuse of Spiritual Influence

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For many the book of Job in the Bible is a pandora’s box of interpretive difficulty.

If you are a black-and-white thinker, it is difficult to read, I imagine.

But Job is a very good place to go to understand more clearly how the counseling of victims of abuse in the home, workplace, or church has gone seriously wrong.

It is helpful to know the beginning and the end before wading into the middle.

In the story of Job—who was horribly tried by Satan at the approval of the LORD—moans in the agony of having lost all his children, his means of income, and is suffering terrible physical ailments.

In the end, his friends are called to account for their poor—sinful—counsel of Job.

So, now we wade into the middle. Because of Job’s suffering, his spiritual counselors are laying one guilt trip after another on him.

In their black-and-white thinking, they believe God blesses those who live righteously and curses those who break His laws. Because Job—who had been richly blessed prior to Satan’s destruction—is suffering horribly, his counselors think he must be cursed by God and therefore he must be living in sin.

Trial = Sin

This is not unfounded in Scripture and why some in their black-and-white beliefs grab and go with it in their thinking and counseling.

In Deuteronomy 28, Moses lays before God’s people the blessings for obedience and curses for disobedience.

For those who obey the LORD:

Blessed shall you be in the city, and blessed shall you be in the field. 4 Blessed shall be the fruit of your womb and the fruit of your ground and the fruit of your cattle, the increase of your herds and the young of your flock. 5 Blessed shall be your basket and your kneading bowl. 6 Blessed shall you be when you come in, and blessed shall you be when you go out . . . etc.
Deuteronomy 28:3-6 (ESV)

For those who disobey:

Cursed shall you be in the city, and cursed shall you be in the field. 17 Cursed shall be your basket and your kneading bowl . . . etc.
Deuteronomy 28:16-17 (ESV)

It Isn’t So Clear

I use the terms “black-and-white” in a negative way, because when it comes to blessings and curses, Scripture is not as clear on this topic as Deuteronomy 28 would lead you to believe.

It is indeed true that those who reject the LORD in unbelief and arrogance are cursed. But that curse may largely be seen in the judgment they face at the end of life for their rejection of their Creator, not in the middle. This idea is apparent in the story of Lazarus and the rich man (Luke 16:19f) and in multiple places in the Proverbs.

Jesus tells a parable in Luke 16 about the rich man and Lazarus:

“There was a rich man who was clothed in purple and fine linen and who feasted sumptuously every day. 20 And at his gate was laid a poor man named Lazarus, covered with sores, 21 who desired to be fed with what fell from the rich man’s table. Moreover, even the dogs came and licked his sores. 22 The poor man died and was carried by the angels to Abraham’s side. The rich man also died and was buried, 23 and in Hades, being in torment, he lifted up his eyes and saw Abraham far off and Lazarus at his side.”

Luke 16:19-23 (ESV)

Notice that the rich man, who rejected his God, lived a life of sumptuous feasting every day. On the other hand, Lazarus was a poor man. Yet, the rich man ends up in Hell and Lazarus in Heaven.

We see in Proverbs:

Better is a poor man who walks in his integrity
than a rich man who is crooked in his ways.
Proverbs 28:6 (ESV)

Deuteronomy would lead us to believe—if we don’t look anywhere else—that the “poor” —therefore the suffering—is walking in sin rather than “integrity,” yet Proverbs 28 suggests that it is the “rich man” who is “crooked” —living in sin. How did he get “blessed” if he was disobedient?

But that is the flow of Scripture. There are proverbial statements that in this life are generally true, but the end of the story is where it all leads. The wicked, unbelieving rich man will end up in torment when his life is ended, but torment will possibly only be when that end of life judgment comes.

And conversely, the poor—unblessed in the world’s eyes—will face many trials in this life but in his faithfulness to the LORD be blessed abundently in the judgment. His poverty is not necessarily because of disobedience as we consider the whole of Scripture.

This brings me to Job’s counselors.

Worm Theology

At one point, Bildad, one of Job’s “friends” who was counseling him when he in torment, explained to Job that in his sin, man is a “maggot” or a “worm.”

4 How then can man be in the right before God?
How can he who is born of woman be pure?
5 Behold, even the moon is not bright,
and the stars are not pure in his eyes;
6 how much less man, who is a maggot,
and the son of man, who is a worm!”
Job 25:4-6

In the sense that we are deeply depraved as sinful human beings, wandering about in rebellion and foolishness, Bildad was right. Some complain about “worm theology” but there is biblical truth in it when considering our deep brokenness. Romans 3:9-13 confirms this understanding of man’s depravity.

However, Job’s counselors—not just Bildad—came at Job from a Deuteronomy 28 theology, not a full-on-biblical theology of suffering. This is how many counselors of abuse victims approach those victims. They look for the “fault” in the victim that brought the horrible treatment. They seek to “help” the victim see their own sin and turn from it. They can’t believe a Christian leader could be so sinful as to lie, manipulate, and intentionally crush those under their care.

Abuse is Never the Fault of the Abused

However, these judgments are beyond the purview of biblical counseling.

First of all, abuse victims are never at fault. If the counselor understands the roots of abuse, they will understand that victims never bring it on, but rather the abuser will simply abuse because it is in his heart.

In addition, there are professing Christians who are very depraved and cause incredible destruction.

They will coerce and control in order to fulfill their entitlement in this life. Often they get away with it like the rich man who got his wealth through evil. It seems like they can’t lose, especially to the victim as she sits helplessly by watching the abusive leader convince the board, friends, and stakeholders that he is the good guy in this scenario.

When you receive reports of abuse from a friend, co-worker, or congregant member listen carefully. Stay clear of Christian platitudes like, “You need to give grace. We are all worms and he needs grace just like you do.”

Abuse is not normal relational conflict between husband and wife, boss and subordinate, pastor and deacon, or teacher and student. The conflict is in the heart of the abuser. And never because of the victim’s sin.

Abuse in the Bible: But Does it Even Use That Word?

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I have heard periodically that the Bible does not include the term, “abuse.”

However, I am not sure from where that idea came. There are a number of places that the translation of Greek, Hebrew, and Aramaic words can be and are accurately understood to mean “abuse.”

In addition, language scholars instruct that it is abuse in much the same way we would define emotional, psychological, and spiritual abuse in our world of toxic leadership.

Matthew narrates the story of Jesus giving a sermon on, what has become known as, the Mount of Beatitudes. There Jesus uses the term rhaká (ῥακά) which means, according to the Theological Dictionary of the New Testmament,1 “blockhead or fool.”

But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire.

Matthew 5:22 (ESV)

According to Kittel, the author of the TDNT, the word comes from the Aramaic term for abuse. He says, “The Aramaic term expresses disparagement accompanied by anger and contempt. Addressed to the foolish, thoughtless, or presumptuous person, it means ‘blockhead,’ and is the most common term of abuse in Jesus’ day.”

Kittel goes on to say that the sins of the tongue are very serious in God’s eyes: they are put on a par with murder.

In addition he says, “In the world of Jesus injury by words is of the utmost seriousness.”

Luke

Luke also records one of Jesus’ sermons in chapter 6 of his book. Here Jesus says,

“But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28 bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you.”

Luke 6:27-28 (ESV)

The Greek term “epēreazō (ἐπηρεάζω)” means in English to “insult, to treat abusively, use despitefully, to revile, in a forensic sense to accuse falsely, and to threaten.”

Proverbs

The wise king Solomon noted,

Drive out a scoffer, and strife will go out,
and quarreling and abuse will cease.

Proverbs 22:10 (ESV)

The ESV translates the Hebrew term qâlôn (קָלוֹן) as abuse. That word means “shame, disgrace, dishonour, ignominy” according to Strongs Dictionary.

This is exactly as we understand emotional, psychological, or spiritual abuse.

Paul

Paul, in his second letter to Timothy tells the young pastor,

But understand this, that in the last days there will come times of difficulty. 2 For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, 4 treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5 having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power.

2 Timothy 3:1-5 (ESV)

When the ESV says “abusive,” it is translating the Greek word, “blasphēmos” (βλάσφημος). You probably recognize the word. When we talk about blaspheming against the Lord, this is the word we are using.

It means, “speaking evil, slanderous, reproachful, railing, abusive.” Very strong terms for words used against others.

Summary

Hopefully you get the idea that indeed, Scripture does use words for abuse and it gives abusive words great weight.

The brother of a friend of ours expressed his frustration with his sister’s difficulty with an abusive husband by saying, “It’s a damn load.” He was put out by the relational damage but not very empathetic for what she was going through. He was only really concerned about the disruption in his own life.

This is what the sinful rebellion of God’s creatures brings about . . . a damn load. Abuse is a horrible sin and it is extraordinarily destructive.

  1. Ronald Pitkin, Theological Dictionary of the New Testament, ed. Gerhard Kittel and Gerhard Friedrich, Abridged edition (W. B. Eerdmans, 2006). ↩︎

Consider It Joy [In Time]! Weeping With Those Who Weep

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One of the hardest things for someone to hear when going through a particularly difficult trial is, “Consider it joy! It will make you stronger.”

Yes, the Bible tells me so. But it so often seems so callous for someone to remind me of it. There might even be a smile that goes with it that makes me angry.

Those who are acting as counselors and advocates for abuse survivors have likely struggled with this issue. We want to encourage our clients and friends to rightful thinking which we know will lead to greater peace. We want them to see the good that can come from the trial that they may have a sense of peace in it.

And as we share these thoughts with them, we find that they shrink into a shell or become angry or walk away, never to return.

It just isn’t that simple to slather a verse on a victim’s pain. Have you noticed that taking one verse from the Bible is simple until you practice good exegesis and consider all those other verses that complicate things?

The Goal

First, I want to do some of that work on James 1:2-5 where the Lord tells us that the “testing of your faith produces steadfastness.” That is the reason why James says one verse before, “Count it all joy . . . when you meet trials of various kinds.”

There is a goal to suffering – that we be “perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” That’s a pretty good trade off. That is what trials are intended to produce in us. And that is why James tells us to “count it all joy.”

Gill’s Exposition of the Entire Bible helpfully says, “Not that these afflictions were joyous in themselves, but in their circumstances, effects, and consequences.”

The goal is joyous.

It is not the trial that is joyous. The trial is not intended to make us happy. In fact, to be a trial it needs to do quite the opposite. It creates hurt, disappointment, maybe confusion, and frustration. That is why it is called a trial. It challenges how we view our lives.

It causes us to take stock of our beliefs and desires and expectations.

I face trials when my boss or spouse is manipulating, demeaning, shaming, or blaming me. When my manager takes credit for the work I do. When my spouse tells me I am stupid, or my pastor preaches shamefully from the pulpit referring to something I said to him earlier in the week supposedly in confidence.

I am not expected to take joy from the trial. And so, we must be careful to distinguish between expecting someone to be joyful about the trial, rather than taking joy in the knowledge of the outcome.

Who among us knows what is God’s specific purpose for another man’s trial? Who can with confidence give that kind of judgment.

God does not always show His hand immediately or within the trial itself. At times it is mysterious. Consider Paul’s “thorn in the flesh” in 2 Corinthians 12:7-9. Paul has some knowledge – it is there to keep him from being “conceited” – but why doesn’t God take it away? Paul begged that the Lord would do so, but He did not remove it by the time of Paul’s writing.

It is not my place to tell a victim why they are suffering. And then tell them, “Count it all joy!”

They will likely, though not necessarily, learn what the Lord is specifically teaching them. Give the Lord His room.

Weep

So, what do we do? What is the godly response?

We must be careful in our expectations for those who are suffering horribly from the abuse of a wicked individual – whether a boss, boyfriend, neighbor, or husband. In the midst of that suffering, jumping for joy neither makes sense nor generally happens.

This is a broken world, and a giddiness about that brokenness is never suggested in Scripture. Don’t expect your friend or counselee to be rejoicing in the way you think of rejoicing in the midst of their abuse. It is unreasonable and unlikely.

So, the first step in hearing of abuse of any kind is “weep with those who weep.”

The full verse in Romans says:

Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight.

Romans 12:15-16 (ESV)

Humility. No conceit. No arrogance.

If you are counseling or advocating for a victim of leadership abuse (in the home or workplace), you need to humbly respond to their suffering. As they pass through the fire of trial, they need to be shown respect and their trial needs to be honored.

Weep with them. It is not a time of rejoicing when they face various trials.

But when the goal of that trial – their perfection and completion – is accomplished, it will be a time of rejoicing.

In the trial, it is a time of weeping and seeking the wisdom only God can give as James goes on to say:

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.

James 1:5

Weep with them as they face the struggle. And seek wisdom as to how to respond to that trial with them.

Empathy

In essence, we are talking about being empathetic. No matter what foolish theologians say about empathy, Romans 12 is about empathy. God desires you to be empathetic . . . to appreciate and understand another man’s travail. And you are to weep with them when they weep.

In time, hopefully you can rejoice when they rejoice.

However, as you empathize with your friend, you may encourage them on a path to the point of considering it joy. As the “Barnes’ Notes on the Bible” says,

You are not to consider it as a punishment, a curse, or a calamity, but as a fit subject of felicitation.

Barnes’ Notes on the Bible

When facing abuse, many victims feel that they are cursed. They may think they are being punished by the Lord much like many of the Psalmists.

But abuse is never the result of the victim’s actions. It is because the abuser has an unrepentant heart. He is sick in sin. It is HIS fault, not the victim’s.

So, encouraging the victim to rest in Jesus’s loving arms, not condemnation of any kind, is the godly response to their despair.

Advocates can list story after story of the survivors of abuse testifying to the shame that have been heaped upon them. They have been trained by their abusers, particularly if their abuser was a Christian leader, to think of themselves as unworthy of Jesus’s love and affection.

You do not criticize them for feeling cursed or angry at God. You share with them the love that God has for them . . . telling them over and over they are a child of the Heavenly Father, the Ruler of Heaven and Earth.

Those are two very different things. One is heaping more shame on them for feeling the way they do: How dare you feel that way. One is sharing the reason they need have no shame.

Consider it Joy! Yes, the Bible tells me so. But there is a time for weeping for and mourning what is lost. There is time for the Lord to make Himself known and felt by victims of abusive leadership.

Give victims that time.

I Loathe My Life: Listening to Victims

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Those who are honored to hear an abuse survivor’s story need to hear Job’s story.

They need to hear his words . . . and they need to hear his friends’ words. They are likely to identify with Job’s friends more than with Job. They are likely shocked by Job.

But then they may wonder why God takes his friends to task in the end of the story rather than Job.

Listen to Job’s heart:

“I loathe my life;
I will give free utterance to my complaint;
I will speak in the bitterness of my soul.
I will say to God, Do not condemn me;
let me know why you contend against me.
Does it seem good to you to oppress,
to despise the work of your hands
and favor the designs of the wicked?
Have you eyes of flesh?
Do you see as man sees?
Are your days as the days of man,
or your years as a man’s years,
that you seek out my iniquity
and search for my sin,
although you know that I am not guilty,
and there is none to deliver out of your hand?
Your hands fashioned and made me,
and now you have destroyed me altogether.
Remember that you have made me like clay;
and will you return me to the dust?
Did you not pour me out like milk
and curdle me like cheese?
You clothed me with skin and flesh,
and knit me together with bones and sinews.
You have granted me life and steadfast love,
and your care has preserved my spirit.
Yet these things you hid in your heart;
I know that this was your purpose.
If I sin, you watch me
and do not acquit me of my iniquity.
If I am guilty, woe to me!
If I am in the right, I cannot lift up my head,
for I am filled with disgrace
and look on my affliction.
And were my head lifted up, you would hunt me like a lion
and again work wonders against me.
You renew your witnesses against me
and increase your vexation toward me;
you bring fresh troops against me.

Job 10:1-17 (ESV)

You could read just a couple sentences and be disturbed by Job’s attitude towards the Lord. But he sounds like many abuse victims with whom I have spoken.

Victims are angry. They are frustrated. They don’t get how God could put them through what they have gone through.

It reminds me of Mia’s story. As Mia continued to hold fast to the Lord, the added pain of suffering at the hands of God’s servants (leaders in the church), only exacerbated the misery. Or Kani’s story of questioning what God was doing . . . or if he needed to be a better Christian.

Job did not reject God. He questioned the Lord and was angry at the Lord. But he did not reject Him.

Though he slay me, I will hope in him;
yet I will argue my ways to his face.

Job 13:15 (ESV)

But I want you to see that Job’s friends responded to these and other complaints by Job much like most of us want to respond when sitting in a victim’s story. As we hear their hurt, complaints, suffering, and what we would deem bad theology, we want to fix them. We have a unquenchable urge to straighten them out. Get them on the road to healing ASAP.

I have heard this over and over. The theologically astute want so badly to clean up the attitudes and comments of victims. Listeners feel they must clear the air and defend the Lord. They must get the victim on the path to righteousness. . . to just get over it.

And, by no means, criticize the Lord!

But Learn from Job

Listen to the Lord. Hear the end of the story:

After the LORD had spoken these words to Job, the LORD said to Eliphaz the Temanite: “My anger burns against you and against your two friends, for you have not spoken of me what is right, as my servant Job has. Now therefore take seven bulls and seven rams and go to my servant Job and offer up a burnt offering for yourselves. And my servant Job shall pray for you, for I will accept his prayer not to deal with you according to your folly. For you have not spoken of me what is right, as my servant Job has.” So Eliphaz the Temanite and Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite went and did what the LORD had told them, and the LORD accepted Job’s prayer.

Job 42:7-9 (ESV)

You would think, like Eliphaz did, that the Lord would come down on Job. Job’s words had been biting. They had been directed at the Lord of the universe. The One who created all things and does only good and right.

But Job says, “Does it seem good to you to oppress, to despise the work of your hands and favor the designs of the wicked?”

Any mature Christian would want to say, “Are you kidding me? How dare you talk of the Lord this way?”

His friends defended the Lord. They responded with many correct theological statements. How dare Job talk to God this way.

Zophar said in response to Job’s complaint:

“Should a multitude of words go unanswered,
and a man full of talk be judged right?
Should your babble silence men,
and when you mock, shall no one shame you?
For you say, ‘My doctrine is pure,
and I am clean in God’s eyes.’

Job 11:2-4 (ESV)

Zophar is righteously indignant. Sounds great. Accurate. Scriptural.

But, the Lord instead tells him and his other friends, “My anger burns against you.” Their words were wrong . . . and Job’s were right!

Wow.

So, next time you sit down and listen to a survivor, consider keeping your mouth shut.

Oh that you would keep silent,
and it would be your wisdom!

Job 13:5 (ESV)

Consider Job. Consider Eliphaz.

Consider that the Lord of the universe is on the victim’s side. And He is hearing His servant Job. You would do well to do the same.

Saving a Relationship | Job with an Abuser

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Every encounter with abuse is both common and unique. How abusers respond to the confrontation of those who love them enough to exhort and admonish them will depend on the depth of their self-absorption and psychopathy. Their idolatry of self.

Do you want to regain a relationship (reconciliation) with an abuser? Are you seeking to save your job or your marriage?

In this short blog, I would like to synthesize the wisdom of many who have worked with abusers and their targets.

This is a clarion call that the only way a relationship with an abuser will be saved is through his repentance.

And repentance comes from being held accountable through a consistent meting out of consequences for his abuse.

I have found that the experts consistently advise that abusers must face consequences for their abuse if they are to repent and be transformed.

Those who are in a position to bring consequences to abusers need to remember that though if feels “unloving” to drop the hammer, it is an act of loving discipline to help them see their sin and turn from it. Ben Marshall, a well-known abuse counselor, notes that Jesus used his most direct and accusatory communication with abusive authorities (Jn. 8:7, Matt. 9:36).

Jesus held the line.

Some Guidelines

Here are some guidelines regarding common mistakes that do the opposite of bringing accountability for the wickedness of abuse:

  • Marriage or Group Counseling: No one in an abusive marriage should be in joint counseling with their abuser.

It causes further trauma because the abuser uses it to control and manipulate both the target and the counselor. If the target makes note of any of the abuse they are suffering during a session, it is common that she will pay for it following the counseling.

Rather, the abuser needs to be in batterer’s counseling. He needs to be counseled by someone who has done the hard work of researching and learning about abuse. Abuse is not marital difficulties on steroids. It is a category unto itself.

  • Reconciliation: It can only come through very evident and long-standing repentance by the abuser.

The abuser must understand that the relationship is dependent upon his/her repentance. This must be clearly communicated by all who counsel him.

It is very important that, though the target may recognize her own sin and feel “unworthy” to call out the abuser’s sin, the broken relationship is due to the abuser’s sin, not the target’s. It is not the target’s responsibility to save the relationship. The responsibility rests squarely on the shoulders of the one who is oppressing his target.

This is different than normal familial, workplace, or neighborly discord. Often, in those case there are two that are “tangoing.” Both may be responsible for a part of the conflict and therefore, for reconciliation, both must repent and seek forgiveness.

Not so in cases of abuse. The survivor needs to continually tell herself, “This is not my fault…this is not my fault.” I understand this is antithetical to normal Christian thinking. But it is accurate to the situation.

An abuser’s repentance, including naming the sin and seeking forgiveness for it, must be clear and he must exhibit a transformed life for meaningful reconciliation to take place.

This does not mean the abuser does not fail at times. It does mean that he recognizes it and admits it readily and seeks forgiveness. But if even this is a continual pattern, it is time to get out of the trauma once again.

  • Counselors: If a counselor is pushing anything that does not bring accountability and consequence, get another counselor.

If the abuser is pushing and breaking the boundaries the target has set up to keep safe and bring healing graciously decline your counselor’s advice to come together. Counselors who do not understand abuse may suggest coming together much earlier than they should. The counselor may have been manipulated in their sessions with the abuser by the abuser’s seeming sorrow for sin.

But if the abuser has not shown evidence of repentance by holding to the boundaries set by their target for a significant amount of time, it is not time to enter into relationship again.

Counselors must understand the heart of an abuser in order to remain free from their manipulation and provide help and healing to the survivor.

  • Pastoral Advice:

As one pastor told me recently, counselors want to know and show their work is having an impact. They will seek to bring the abuser and his target together as soon as possible rather than waiting for clear evidence of repentance. They think this will show they are effective counselors.

Because of ego (belief in their own counseling abilities) or an over-confidence in God’s changing work, they may jump the gun by pushing reconciliation rather than waiting on true repentance.

Though it may be difficult to reject the guidance of a “man of the cloth,” remember that you are under God’s guidance first and foremost, not the pastor’s. Though God may have called him to shepherd, the pastor is weak and can be foolish just like all of God’s children. They do not perfectly counsel.

If long-term transformation is not evident in your abuser, reject a pastor’s counsel to reconcile. You know better than anyone if the abuser is repentant.

  • Marriage Conferences:

Marriage conferences are generally just another form of joint counseling. Though they may help the target work through her own issues – everyone has sin that must be put to death – the real problem in the marriage is the abuser’s oppression of his target. [see above]

Do not be manipulated to think it is your Christian duty to go to a conference. When the abuser has made long-lasting and evident changes in his behavior and thinking, it might be time for a marriage conference for further growth of the marriage.

But until the abuser is truly respecting his target’s boundaries and clearly admitting and sorrowful for their sin, a marriage conference is just another way for the abuser to manipulate and gain control.

  • Romantic getaways

The last thing an abuser needs for accountability is romance. He needs accountability and consequences to his actions. If a child kicks the dog, do you hand him an ice cream cone?

Hold the Line

I hope these guidelines are helpful as you consider when it is right to reconcile with an abuser. If you want to save your relationship, keep the cart after the horse. Be patient. Hold the line. Do not allow any breaking of boundaries. Keep him accountable.

Make sure your abuser understands he is no longer in control.

Gentleness & Believability: Philippians 4

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Let your gentleness be known to everyone. What extraordinary advice for those who want to be believed as they report abuse.

I sat in the plush CEO’s office of a Christian mission organization. A friend had known the mission leader since their parents had worked together on the field when they were children. As she and the mission leader worked together as adults, they had been battling for some time and she wanted to have witnesses to her conversation with him about their disagreement.

We were happy to join her though a bit suspicious of her reading of the situation. We knew the president as a charming and responsive leader. We were somewhat new to the organization, and new to abusive leadership, but the President had supported our work and welcomed us into his home on multiple occasions.

The meeting was intense. He calmly disagreed with her analysis of their conflict and periodically suggested, “I didn’t say that Margaret.” At least once he explained, “I wouldn’t have said that.” On the other hand, Margaret was near raving mad and was coming unglued.

We thought her to be unreasonable and likely responsible for their war.

This is not unlike many survivor’s stories of reporting their abuse to church or organizational authorities. The trauma and deep wounds caused by abuse and the great need to be free from it can drive a person, what some would say, almost insane. On the other hand, as the abusive individual shares his “side” of the story, he is calm and reasoning and just as charming as ever. In the process, many do not believe the victim as she shares her story as the abuser reasonably and calmly outright denies any responsibility.

It wasn’t until several years later that we found out the truth. Indeed, the mission leader had been lying to Margaret. He had been creating all sorts of problems for her.

Philippians 4 & Reporting

As I read Philippians 4, I see an aid to the whistleblower that may be helpful for those caught in these situations: Be gentle and be calm. Take a deep breath.

Mighty big words when you have faced abuse at home or in the marketplace. It is most certainly antithetical to what nearly all survivors are experiencing when they report their incredible hurt. And, in fact, the lack of calmness and gentleness is often a sign that abuse has taken place to those who understand abuse and its affects.

Unfortunately, most people do not get abuse. All they see is some crazy person sitting across from them.

To be calm and gentle, move on to what Paul continues to say in verses 8 and following:

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

Philippians 4:8

Think about true and honorable things. Whatever is lovely. Only that which is worthy of praise. Read Psalm 27. Remember the Gospel. Jesus came for the oppressed and downtrodden [Isaiah 61]. He seeks out the hurting and troubled. He cares for the weak and mistreated.

Jesus is on your side.

Pray for calmness and gentleness. Paul says, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” Ask Him to work in you before you step into that office knowing that there is no need to be anxious when you are in the Father’s loving arms.

Recently, I was speaking with a woman who had been abused for many years by her husband. She was wanting her children’s court appointed advocate to understand the impact it had had on her children. She was almost frantic to get the advocate to understand. She was thinking feverishly how to get him to understand. It was in that moment that I realized the need for survivors to come at that task with clarity and calmness…because others just don’t understand and they will be thinking the same things I thought with my friend, Margaret. “She’s unglued!”

The survivor of toxic leadership in home and workplace has every reason to be frantic and confused and frustrated. It is very unfortunate that few people understand that. But gentleness may help make the reporting of it more receivable.

Remember Jesus’ words as he prepared to be taken to the cross:

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.”

John 14:27 (ESV)

Stories of Africa

“My family of six arrived in Malawi, Africa in August of 2003 to a wonderfully hospitable group of fellow missionaries. I was not really prepared for what awaited us. Our family  had not done any significant homework on Malawian life but were nonetheless excited to get started with it.“

As I read at times, I felt I was reading the travel log of a missionary tourist, the insights of a musical theorist, the confessions of a cultural imperialist, the wisdom of a cross-cultural missiologist, and the reflections of journalist investigating a mystery cult. [Dehnert] presents a childlike wonder as he speaks about strange and stranger things in a strange and beautiful land. It was great how he expressed his fears, weaknesses, and misconceptions as part of the path to a gradual awakening. Dehnert didn’t go to Malawi with an agenda and he loves people; I think that enabled him to learn so much. In the end the book comes across like a fun travel documentary with some sage-like wisdom thrown in.

Rev. Jay Stoms  
Missionary with National Christian Foundation
Stellenbosch, South Africa

Psalm 27: Hope & Healing for the Abused

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As I sat down a couple mornings ago to read God’s Word and consider His mindfulness of me, I was led to Psalm 27 by a lovely little devotional called, “Jesus Calling.”

The Psalm lept out of the pages at me, not because I presently feel abused, but because there is a certain coldness in my devotion from which I desire to shake free. I was struck by King David’s insight to abuse and my own needs of the moment.

The LORD is my light and my salvation;
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life;
of whom shall I be afraid?
2 When evildoers assail me
to eat up my flesh,
my adversaries and foes,
it is they who stumble and fall.
3 Though an army encamp against me,
my heart shall not fear;
though war arise against me,
yet I will be confident.
4 One thing have I asked of the LORD,
that will I seek after:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
and to inquire in his temple.
5 For he will hide me in his shelter
in the day of trouble;
he will conceal me under the cover of his tent;
he will lift me high upon a rock.

Psalm 27 (ESV)

Go on and read the rest (at the end of this blog). But I want to point out something that deeply affected me:

I want . . . I need to abide in Jesus Christ in all my ways and in all my days. I want to “dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life.” In all the struggles of living under toxic leadership or abusive relationships. In all the broken relationships that are a result of it when others don’t see the toxins and don’t get it. All the deep hurt and trauma it has created . . .

I just want to abide in Jesus. To know “He will hide me in his shelter in the day of trouble. He will conceal me!”

What promise and hope for the Christian.

Enjoy the rest of the Psalm:

6 And now my head shall be lifted up
above my enemies all around me,
and I will offer in his tent
sacrifices with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make melody to the LORD.
7 Hear, O LORD, when I cry aloud;
be gracious to me and answer me!
8 You have said, “Seek my face.”
My heart says to you,
“Your face, LORD, do I seek.”
9 Hide not your face from me.
Turn not your servant away in anger,
O you who have been my help.
Cast me not off; forsake me not,
O God of my salvation!
10 For my father and my mother have forsaken me,
but the LORD will take me in.
11 Teach me your way, O LORD,
and lead me on a level path
because of my enemies.
12 Give me not up to the will of my adversaries;
for false witnesses have risen against me,
and they breathe out violence.
13 I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living!
14 Wait for the LORD;
be strong, and let your heart take courage;
wait for the LORD!

Stories of Africa

Kelly Dehnert, Editor of Pearls and Swine, has written a book about his family’s life in Africa as missionaries. The book provides helpful insights to engaging other cultures.

This well written, interesting book is a fantastic training text for missionary appointees, and I hope some of my SIM.org recruiter friends will read it and use it.  It would be very helpful  for new missionaries. TO AFRICA ON A LARK is must read material.  

Cordell Loken
Retired career missionary radio engineer at ELWA, Monrovia, Liberia.

Complicity: Going Along to Get Along

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What keeps abuse of authority in the workplace and home alive?

    Going along to get along

    It is man’s penchant for crowd-mongering. It is my penchant for pleasing others. While reading the beginning of the book of Proverbs in the Bible, I was struck by the applicability of the very first chapter to the experience most of us have had in a toxic environment.

    The writer, likely King Solomon, warns against throwing in with the wrong crowd. Where I had always understood the passage as applied to throwing in with a bunch of criminals planning and executing a bank heist, it is most certainly broader and more sinister than that.

    Solomon said,

    My son, if sinners entice you, do not consent. If they say, “Come with us, let us lie in wait for blood; let us ambush the innocent without reason; like Sheol let us swallow them alive, and whole, like those who go down to the pit; we shall find all precious goods, we shall fill our houses with plunder; throw in your lot among us; we will all have one purse”—my son, do not walk in the way with them; hold back your foot from their paths, for their feet run to evil, and they make haste to shed blood. 

    Proverbs 1:10-16 (ESV)

    Bad Boys

    These are really bad guys.

    I remember traveling in Germany many years ago. We wanted to get a close-up look at a castle. We saw one at a distance as we tooled along on the Autobahn. We took an exit to a small village that appeared to be near the castle. As we tried to make heads or tales of the street system that originated in the oxcart days, we finally gave up finding the way and stopped to ask directions at a bank.

    In mostly English, with horrible German thrown in, I asked how to get to the castle. The cashiers were baffled by what I was asking, but finally with much pointing and describing, one of them came to a revelation and said, “Oh, bad boys, bad boys!”

    After some moments of confusion it became clear the castle was now used as a prison. We were not welcome there.

    Solomon could easily be referring to falling in with anyone who is leading you into sin. And he is certainly suggesting we should not be complicite with sin. But he also describes really bad boys. Let us ambush the innocent without reason. Like death let us swallow them alive and whole!

    These boys are really bad in his description.

    They are people that abuse specialist, Dan Allendar, classifies as “evil” from the proverbs. He says,

    “All of us are capable of doing evil things, but evil people are driven by a self-interest that is so heartless, conscious, and cruel that it delights in stealing from others the lifeblood of their soul.”

    Dan Allender, page 233

    We should not allow ourselves to be sucked into being part of the oppressive behavior of others. Consider how that applies to a Christian organization led by toxic managers, boards, or CEOs.

    Stand Apart

    We firstly cannot join in with the toxic leader. Stand apart from him.

    We cannot stand in agreement with him in his oppressive actions. We cannot laugh at his demeaning comments towards another employee.

    We cannot try to play middleman as we did in our mission context in Africa. 

    As others were beat up by the leadership of our mission, we sought to soften the blows. Until we realized we were complicite in the abuse in doing so.

    We cannot support the toxic leader.

    By giving any credence to their behaviour, we are throwing our lot in among them. We are telling those who are deeply offended by the toxic leader’s lack of Christian witness that the toxic leader’s actions are acceptable.

    Stand Against

    In addition, we should take the next step: stand against him.

    For the good of others and even the toxic leader, confront the sin. Find a way to challenge his meanness.

    • To whom does he report?
    • How can you bring him to accountability?
    • Who has also suffered from his abuse that can go with me to authorities?

    This can be tricky as many abusive authorities, though under someone else’s authority, know how to control those in authority over them through manipulation and charm. It can be difficult to convince the authority of the bosses’ nastiness.

    Often we suggest grace must be extended. If that is how you understand grace, read this.

    Remember that it is grace to confront sin.

    Stand Among

    And finally, stand among those who are targets.

    Though we do not stand with the toxic leader, we need to stand with their victims.

    Though Solomon does not speak to this in his proverb, it is biblical to stand with the oppressed. God calls on his people to bring justice to those who are crushed by the powerful. [Psalm 103:6]

    We can stand by the oppressed by:

    Toxic work environments are not the way it is supposed to be in a Christian organization. It is a broken world, but God has called his people to seek the reversal of the curse that sin brings.

    Be part of the process for de-toxifying your ministry.

    Do you have a story to tell. Contact Pearls and Swine Site and tell it. We want to know how the Lord is using and teaching you.

    Allender, Dan B., and Tremper Longman III. Bold Love. Colorado Springs, CO: NavPress, 2014.

    Not As Things Ought to Be: Grieving Our Loss

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    Olivia had been abused emotionally by her husband for more than 30 years. She finally got free.

    She was living in her new-found freedom when he showed up once again, having been gone for over a year. He was getting more and more aggressive as he sought to gain entrance to her life once again.

    Olivia sought a “protection order” against him. The judge was extraordinary. The order went into place without much of a battle. Leaving the courtroom following the hearing each of us, who accompanied Olivia, were rejoicing in God’s kindness.

    On the other hand, Olivia was crying. I asked her if she was okay. I fully expected her to say, “I am crying in joy. I am so glad it is over.“

    Rather, she said, “It is so sad.“

    She was deeply saddened that her marriage had come to this. Despite being free from the suffering under his abuse, she was grieving the loss of her marriage.

    Not the Way It’s Supposed to Be

    We left our mission in Africa 12 years ago. We have grieved the loss of our life and work there. We had a good life. We loved our work and found great satisfaction in what God was doing in and through us. We felt we had grown in our eight years of life there more than in all our years prior put together.

    Because the founders and director of the mission were toxic, abusive of the authority God had given them, we lost our jobs, home, and friends.

    We rejoiced to be out of that mission, yet we have grieved these losses. It is certainly not as bad as a dear friend or family member dying, but it is grief nonetheless.

    Our losses are real. I remember a friend explainging to me that death is not “the way it ought to be,” therefore, we grieve when someone we love dies. Though it is a normal part of life, it is not what Adam and Eve experienced before sin entered their world, nor what we will experience once Jesus Christ comes again in glory.

    These losses are not the way it is supposed to be. It is a normal part of our broken world, but it is not how it was or will be.

    Grieving the Loss

    How do we grieve these losses in a way that is healing?

    I would first suggest, as I have suggested over and over in these pages, that we find safe places to share the loss. We need people who will listen without judgement. Find them and let it out.

    Secondly, do not retreat from, but seek the Lord…for He will be found. Some of us may feel at times the Lord abandoned us in the midst of our suffering. But, it is not true.

    God’s primary goal is to show us our dependency on Him.

    From the very beginning, man was dependent on Him. He made us and gave us what we needed. We were to always recognize we depend on Him for everything. I am thankful that my children, who saw the brokenness of the church firsthand in the leaders who abused their authority in our mission, remain connected to God’s people (the church) and consistent worship. It is easy to throw up our hands and slide away from the “means of grace” found in the church body.

    He has not abandoned you ever. But, he is certainly helping you see your dependence on Him. So, turn to Him…over and over. Depend on Him.

    Finally, some may seek to give us pat answers like, “God is good and you just have to trust him.” Or maybe, “God is sovereign and he wants to teach you something.“

    Usually, grieving people just need someone to listen. But, I would encourage you to listen to that well-meaning friend, consider the truthfulness, not the insensitivity of it. David prayed, after seeking the destruction of his abusers,

    With my mouth I will give great thanks to the Lord;
    I will praise him in the midst of the throng.
    For he stands at the right hand of the needy one,
    to save him from those who condemn his soul to death.

    Psalm 109:30-31 (ESV)

    He leaned heavily on the Lord. He knew his dependency. Others may be unwilling to listen, but they may point us to this good and sovereign God whom we need deeply.

    I pray regularly for toxic leaders to be stopped. And I pray regularly for those who have been traumatized by them to be healed. To find the peace of His presence and care. And that they may find greater and more fulfilling dependence on the Lord of the Universe.