Tag Archives: integrity

Facing a Terrifying Leader: Choosing When to Leave and When to Stay

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To some this is just old news.

But to a significant number of Christians, the choice of whether to stay under a toxic leader in the home, workplace, or organization is not a question.

These folks might consider leaving, but the go-to is a belief that God has called them to suffer for Christ’s sake. And it is not because they have no good reason to believe this.

The Example of Paul

Early in the church’s history, the Apostle Paul was traveling on his third missionary journey. He was traveling through Macedonia and Greece visiting churches he and others had founded seeking to strengthen them. Paul was on his way to Jerusalem to share in the annual Feast of the Passover. It was an important festival in the life of any Jew with any historical, biblical, or cultural perspective.

However, Paul was headed head-long into a trap you might say.

In Acts 21, the story is narrated by Luke:

On the next day we departed and came to Caesarea, and we entered the house of Philip the evangelist, who was one of the seven, and stayed with him. 9 He had four unmarried daughters, who prophesied. 10 While we were staying for many days, a prophet named Agabus came down from Judea. 11 And coming to us, he took Paul’s belt and bound his own feet and hands and said, “Thus says the Holy Spirit, ‘This is how the Jews at Jerusalem will bind the man who owns this belt and deliver him into the hands of the Gentiles.’” 12 When we heard this, we and the people there urged him not to go up to Jerusalem. 13 Then Paul answered, “What are you doing, weeping and breaking my heart? For I am ready not only to be imprisoned but even to die in Jerusalem for the name of the Lord Jesus.” 14 And since he would not be persuaded, we ceased and said, “Let the will of the Lord be done.”

[Acts 21:7-14 (ESV)]

It is a poignant moment in the early church. It was a warning apparently from the Lord in the form of a prophecy—acted out as was common in that time—and then heartily rejected by Paul.

Notice it is not a rejection of the content—Paul did not suggest it was a “false prophecy” —but rather a rejection of fear based on it.

Paul, in rejecting what those who were present wanted him to do, was readying himself to face some of the most toxic leaders of his time—the Jewish religious leaders. These leaders would seek his death, as the story goes, at the hands of the non-Jews.

Paul told the crowd that he was prepared “even to die” for a very high purpose—the “name of the Lord Jesus.”

Even to Die

Paul’s response has caused no small amount of guilt in the hearts of those who have faced off against toxic people. These feel that they are refusing God’s command to hang in there, even when the going gets tough.

However, I want to lay those fears to rest while not giving anyone too much ease of mind. My reason is simply that Scripture gives us several directions in these cases and Paul chose an honorable one of those directions.

But not the only honorable one.

It might help to show you how Paul responded to a somewhat similar situation:

When many days had passed, the Jews plotted to kill him, 24 but their plot became known to Saul. They were watching the gates day and night in order to kill him, 25 but his disciples took him by night and let him down through an opening in the wall, lowering him in a basket.

Acts 9:23-25

Those who understand that narratives in Scripture do not necessarily provide imperatives to be lived by may suggest that Acts 9:25 is not necessarily “normative” for the church. I would agree, just as I would suggest that Acts 21 is as a narrative not normative as well.

Evasion or Courage?

As such, it is important to note that neither passage suggests Paul was commanded to take the action—evasive in one case and courageous in the other.

There is however, one distinction in that Paul says in Acts 20 he is “constrained by the Spirit” to go while not knowing fully what would be the result. But then again, there is conflict found in the passage in that the disciples are said to be telling him not to go “through the Spirit.”

Who was right?

I believe both were right. Paul believed that, in the persecution from toxic leaders awaiting him in Jerusalem, was an opportunity to be an extraordinary witness to Jesus. Whereas the disciples saw it as an end to his ministry to the churches if he was dead.

And both likely happened. Paul’s ministry was both expansive and cut short by likely martyrdom.

Binding the Conscience

What we need to see is that Scripture does not bind our consciences when it comes to staying or leaving toxic leadership.

There are many considerations in determining what is best for each individual person:

  • By staying in a toxic organization, will I be able to use the gifts God has given me for the expansion of His kingdom through good work for a good end?
  • Will mine or my family’s mental, spiritual, or physical health be affected negatively making it impossible to do that work? Toxic leaders do cause traumatic reactions.
  • Will my staying show agreement with an evil leader? And in turn be a negative witness to others?
  • Will my leaving leave others—fellow employees—lacking the support that is needed in their personal or work lives?
  • Am I giving up too soon? I hesitate to put this in as most hang in too long and are horribly traumatized by it. But there are those who can have an important impact on the organization by staying.

There are other questions that need to be asked. But then it comes down to your own conscience.

But do not let it be bound by an ill-conceived perspective on Paul’s actions in Acts 21.

Hypocricy: Boasting of Rightness, Living Wrong

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One of the most damaging things to an organization is a leader who is a hypocrite.

The Oxford Dictionary defines hypocrisy as

the practice of claiming to have moral standards or beliefs to which one’s own behavior does not conform; pretense.

This is particularly true for a Christian organization. This is why:

“You who boast in the law dishonor God by breaking the law. 24 For, as it is written, “The name of God is blasphemed among the Gentiles because of you.”

Romans 2:23-24

There Goes the Neighborhood

A recent article I read from the days of yore when Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were battling it out for their party’s nominations for President provides some interesting perspective.1

Leaders play a crucial role in establishing their organizations’ social structures, and successful organizations need to function like a neighborhood. Neighbors look out for each other and rally to work on projects, knowing that when they need help, other members of the community will step up to assist them.

When leaders say one thing and do another, they are destroying the “social structures” that make the organization operate effectively.

The article notes that followers pay attention to the leader’s commitment to their long-term well-being. If the leader’s integrity is questioned, then the “long-term” doesn’t look so good. Who can say what the leader says he will do is what he will indeed do?

If the Christian leader speaks adamantly of God’s Word as the fundamental driving force in his life and yet secretly, or not so secretly, ignores the Word in his everyday life, he is but a clanging gong (1 Corinthians 13). He cannot be trusted.

The “Best Practice Institute” puts it this way:

As the neighborhood dissolves, the organization functions more like a collection of strangers. When strangers interact, they have to settle up their debts in the moment. You can’t go to your local supermarket and borrow a dozen eggs because the supermarket can’t be confident that you’d show up later to pay for them. You can go to your neighbor and borrow eggs, though, because you have a trusted relationship.

The integrity of the leader matters. Hypocrisy, the failure to conform to those beliefs of which the leader espouses, destroys trust, engagement, and even the integrity of followers. Followers follow their leader.

Words and Actions

A consistent part of the Biblical witness and as it turns out, the perspective presented by this article, is that actions really matter; in fact, they show what the leader has purposed in his heart.

We show whether we really believe our beliefs by our actions. And when it is the law of God as Romans says that we are proclaiming as the system of our beliefs, then the breaking of those proclamations destroy our credibility. Leaders are on display nearly everyday of their lives. This becomes incredibly important.

Paul, in his letter to the Romans, goes on to say:

[A]nd if you are sure that you yourself are a guide to the blind, a light to those who are in darkness, 20 an instructor of the foolish, a teacher of children, having in the law the embodiment of knowledge and truth— 21 you then who teach others, do you not teach yourself?

Romans 2:19-21

What it means to be taught in Scripture is that we take the words down deep and live those words in our actions. Both things. It is not about gaining a boatload of knowledge and ignoring it when putting our hands to the plow.

Education in the Hebrew sense meant to be overcome by the words towards behavior that reflected that knowledge.

What is the Impact?

Paul says to the Romans that the witness of those who ignore their beliefs—behaving hypocritically—destroys the witness they have to the watching world.

Paul uses the “Gentiles” as the intended audience to the hypocrisy because at that time, those who were not Jews were those who were mostly outside the newborn Christian religion. They were only beginning to come in faith in Jesus Christ. Paul was deeply concerned that these people who were an important focus of his ministry would not be turned away from Jesus by His followers acting hypocritically.

How do we apply this to our organizational leaders?

We must hold high standards for our leaders. Mind you, our leaders will always fail. We are sinful people, no matter how high our position is. Each will fail in various ways.

However, along with those failures, humility—a common theme for these pages—will be evident in those same leaders who blow it by espousing one belief and acting in another. These leaders will recognize their failure, confess that failure willingly, turn from those failures (repentance), and finally make restitution happily.

These humble leaders are those who truly have a belief they proclaim, but sometimes fall to the temptation of expediency—or concupiscence—and in turn need to confess and make right.

But, keep in mind, there are failures that disqualify our leaders. Depending on the kind of leadership and authority they have been given, the failure may be such that even their humility cannot prevent long-term distrust.

In these cases, the leader should willingly step down from his position and seek a new “calling” in God’s kingdom.

Leaders need the trust of followers and hypocrisy is one sure way to destroy that.

Note

  1. Staff, B. P. I., and Best Practice Institute (2016), ‘The Unseen Consequences Of Hypocritical Leadership’, Best Practice Institute – Blog (20 June), https://blog.bestpracticeinstitute.org/consequences-of-hypocritical-leadership/, accessed 24 Jan. 2026.
    ↩︎

James and Oppression 1: Murderous Words

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The book of James in the Bible is full of teaching on the abusive heart.

Though it speaks generally to all people, it also has specific value for leaders—those with formal or informal power over others.

After providing a beautiful and life-changing discussion on how to persevere under trials, James begins to delve into the heart of oppressive behavior. The warning shot comes in verse 19 of the first chapter:

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; 20 for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.

“Angry” is often a descriptive term for those who are abusive of others. Though anger is not normally at the heart of the abusive leader’s problem—rather entitlement and control—it is a means and method for achieving these desires of the abuser.

This one sentence written by James, the brother of Jesus Christ, is antithetical to anger.

Listen.

Wait.

Be right.

A leader who fails to listen to others is not producing “the righteousness of God.” He has his own views, rights, and privileges in mind, not the good of others or the organization he serves. Listening to others implies truly hearing what they have to say and giving them the respect they deserve as God’s image bearers.

This can be applied as well to the leader who seemingly listens to and yet ignores his subordinates. The term “hear” means “to attend to, consider what is or has been said.” Again, is he giving honor to those who serve at his behest? Hearing means truly listening . . . no just acting like it.

Hypocrisy

James goes on in this same passage to challenge those who are wrapped up in a “Christiany” image but are in fact hypocrites. They put on an act of being Christian by spouting biblical sounding speeches, but in fact do not actually live those same words in their daily lives and leadership:

But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. 23 For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. 24 For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like. [James 1:22-24]

These “Christian” leaders appear to hear the words of God but immediately turn away from them in their daily life. They are surrounded by the Word of God—in the organization masthead, organization chapels, staff meetings, church partnering—but it is all just window-dressing. Often the leader is more concerned about funding the organization than he is about following Christ “whether he eats or drinks, or whatever he does.”

So, he speaks a good line that sounds Christian for all the donors and likely the staff, but his heart is really far from it.

Out of the Mouth

In verse 26, James brings the tongue back into the discussion:

If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person’s religion is worthless. 27 Religion that is pure and undefiled before God the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.

James takes a hard stance against the evil that comes out of the mouth. It comes back over and over again.

Much of our “behavior” —outward actions—is how we speak to and about others. Just as James says, our tongues are fires (James 3:5), ready to accomplish our scorched earth policies.

Does the leader think of himself, and even defend himself as a good Christian? Does he see himself as religious—after all, he runs a Christian organization or goes to church regularly, maybe even is a Sunday school teacher, or fills the pulpit periodically.

James says, if he “does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person’s religion is worthless.“

In chapter three James goes on with further criticism of those who use the tongue abusively:

For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, 8 but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. 9 With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. 10 From the same mouth come blessing and cursing.

Deadly Poison

“Deadly poison.” Strong words. James shows the incomprehensibility of those who claim to love Christ and yet “curse” others. The Greek term καταράομαι (curse) means to “curse, doom, imprecate evil upon” someone else.

As poison it hurts and kills. Though sticks and stones can break our bones, cursing others is murderous. It destroys the emotional and spiritual health of others. It often destroys other’s relationship with the Lord having come from a “Christian” leader.

James, by inspiration of the Holy Spirit, gets the harm abusive words cause.

The hypocrisy of those who lead a Christian organizations—or any other organization for that matter—claiming to be a follower of Christ and yet behaving with a pattern of abusive language is beyond comprehension.

Appropriately, James has the strongest words for those who tear down others with their words—words that should give life and hope to others.

Do you take seriously the words that come from your mouth. Do you stop. Listen. And then respectfully hear the words of those under your formal or informal authority? If you continually justify yourself, you need to delve deeper into your heart.

Abusive leadership is a pattern of behavior that tears down others and it is so often with words—even words that sound Christian.

The Gold Standard: When Unacceptable is Better than Those Others

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In this little missive I am going to try to relate an interesting, but understandable, phenomenon in domestic abuse experience to the workaday world.

I have heard more than once from friends of survivors that the abuser is “not as bad as my husband . . . so he’s golden!”

We can’t help but contrast and compare our experiences with other’s. We either do so to build ourselves up or show how rough we have it. Either way, one comes out smelling better than another.

Well at least he doesn’t hit her

In the domestic violence world it is common to hear, “Well at least he doesn’t hit her.” But survivors of emotional abuse will come back with, “I wish he would hit me so I would have a bruise to show for it. Then maybe others would take my suffering seriously.”

Many people fail to recognize or make clear that any form of abuse is wrong. It is hurtful to the emotional, physical, and spiritual health of the victim. The pain of bruises and the agony of broken brain circuitry are simply different . . . but all of it is destructive and evil and can create long-term trauma.

So, that brings us to another problem: the isolating of victims because people don’t understand these truths. These comparisons are used to control the victims, particularly in Christian settings where divorce is rejected on abuse grounds.

I have heard things like, “When they don’t destroy things they must be gold . . . though they yell at and demean their partner.” Friends of one woman repeatedly attacked her because her husband isn’t “as bad as their own.” They will not admit that their own husbands are abusive. That would be too hard. So the victim is pushed outside the camp because she isn’t tough enough like her detractors are.

But, as my wife has said, “You don’t have to be strangling someone to choke the life out of them.” Though he may not yell as often or demean in the same way, it is evil.

Workplace Abuse?

How does this relate to leadership in the workplace?

We see the same dynamic in the organization when fellow leaders, boards, or even co-workers suggest that the boss—

  • Isn’t as bad as the last guy.
  • The boss is supposed to be a strong leader.
  • He may be a little rough around the edges.
  • He is the founder. He can do what he wants.
  • Corporate bosses are notoriously narcissistic.

All these excuses simply suggest that evil is good.

But Scripture does not take that view.

Woe to those who call evil good
and good evil,
who put darkness for light
and light for darkness,
who put bitter for sweet
and sweet for bitter!

Isaiah 5:20 (ESV)

Notice how that verse starts: “Woe”. That is a scary word that has a sense of “curse”. You do not want to be “woed”. But when you start suggesting that someone is not abusive in the home or workplace because he isn’t as bad as Hitler, you need to rethink your comparisons. You are asking for woes.

Particularly if you are being called on to give aid and comfort to a victim. And instead, you suggest their pain means nothing.

Image Management: Lying to the World

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One of the clear signs of toxic leadership is image management. Chuck DeGroat shares in his book, “When Narcissism Comes to the Church” what one of his clients said of her husband:

“My husband has told me that he will divorce me and publicly humiliate me if I ever say anything negative about him.”1

Image management in the home.

Even when there isn’t toxic leadership, image management in organizational management can be a temptation for churches and Christian organizations. We all want others to see us in the best light and that gets transferred to our marketing of our church or organization.

Goffman used the terms “impression management” to describe how an “actor strives to present an impression to the audience they will find agreeable.”2 Wade Mullen, in his PhD dissertation runs with Goffman’s ideas and explains how individuals and organizations present an “agreeable” impression of themselves or organization in a falsified way.

As Mullens notes, IM (Image Management) is often used unwittingly. It just comes naturally to us. Some sociologists have argued it is a learned trait and as Christians we can easily argue it is a trait present since the fall of man—if we are talking about the falsified form of IM.

When used to give a false (good) impression of who we are, it is simply a form of lying. Unfortunately, this kind of lying has become standard practice in a society that is money- and marketing-driven.

But again, it should not surprise us. We are sinful people. You can see it in the church that has become wrapped up in the marketing craze with slick media messaging and false advertising.

With that as an introduction, let’s explore how we can identify our natural—fallen—urge to make something pretty that is not. And, specifically, consider how abuse is covered up because it is most certainly NOT pretty.

The Most Common Expressions of IM

I cannot count the number of times I have seen statements like, “It will bring shame to Christ’s name.”

It is common that someone abused by either a leader, friend, or a spouse will desire (rightfully) to make known the abuse in order to bring accountability and repentance. However, a (likely) well-meaning church member or leader makes the above statement to the victim. It is assumed that the airing of dirty laundry is a bad witness to Christ.

There is one simple answer to this belief.

If this is true, the Bible is full of this “bad witness” as God tells the story of man’s failures and His redemptive plan for the ages. Without the airing of the dirty laundry there can be no forgiveness. Therreason there is forgiveness offered is because of our dirty laundry. There can be no redemption without the humble recognition of sin. We would need to read a sterilized version of the Bible if we thought that the presence and proclamation of man’s sins brings shame to Christ.

On the contrary, the humility involved in airing our dirty laundry is actually a positive witness to this redemptive work of Christ (see this for further discussion).

There is a reason God sent His Son. Jesus died in order to take away our sin and as Solomon said, “there is no one who does not sin” (2 Chronicles 6:36-39). Our sin, and particularly grievous sin like abuse of leadership (that affects so many), should be known not only for the seeking of redemption but for two other reasons.

First, it is necessary for sin to be public so that there is accountability for the abuser. He must, if he is to repent, be held accountable for his arrogance and entitlement. And secondly, others need to be warned. This is taught clearly in Scripture in 1st Timothy:

As for those who persist in sin, rebuke them in the presence of all, so that the rest may stand in fear.

1 Timothy 5:20 (ESV)

Paul is speaking about leaders in the church. There is warning for others when a leader has abused his authority and been called on the carpet by others.

An Arrogant Culture

Chuck DeGroat talks of “Grandiose Narcissistic Systems.” DeGroat describes a discussion he had with a friend who had inherited the leadership of a large ministry:

. . . he was alarmed by a collective narrative that went something like this: “The [rival ministry] is doing that, so we must respond by doing this.” He heard key leaders within the organization talk in disparaging ways of the other ministry, he read personal blogs of his staff that mocked other Christians while elevating their own work, and he felt what he described as a “gross arrogance” at staff meetings. He told me that staff-meeting culture felt more like game planning to beat the rival than corporately discerning God’s will for that season of ministry. He said, “It seems as if they’re all in some sort of group trance.”3

Image management develops an arrogant culture within an organization.

I cringe when I hear “there is no one else doing ministry the way we are”. You might be surprised by how often you will hear this kind of arrogance spoken in the halls of ministries.

Ministry leaders, and even followers, convince themselves of this to pump up and validate themselves. There is not a ministry out there that can honestly suggest such a thing. There is someone doing much the same thing somewhere in the world, doing it just as well or better, and has been doing it longer.

It may not be a marketing slogan the organization puts out on social media or even in their brochures but simply what is said to employees to create pride in and loyalty to the organization. But enough of it and the culture will become toxic with arrogance.

These organizations become resistant to challenge and change—after all, if they are the best, then how could there be a problem. In turn, like with the husband at the beginning of this blog, those who happen to say anything negative about the organization will be humiliated by the leaders or by pears within the organization.

Push Back

I encourage the faithful to push back against all such image management. If you hear these things when you are applying to join an organization, run. If you hear it while working for an organization, challenge it. If you read it in the fundraising appeals of your favorite charity, put your checkbook away.

Image Management has no place in the Christian organization.

Notes:

  1. DeGroat, Chuck. When Narcissism Comes to Church: Healing Your Community From Emotional and Spiritual Abuse (p. 92). (Function). Kindle Edition. ↩︎
  2. Wade T. Mullen, “Wade Mullen PhD Dissertation.Pdf,” Google Docs, accessed March 6, 2023, https://drive.google.com/file/d/1rXrd8MYay5Vg5s7JXFx7S91hDTlm1CVX/view?usp=embed_facebook, 4. ↩︎
  3. DeGroat, Chuck. When Narcissism Comes to Church: Healing Your Community From Emotional and Spiritual Abuse (pp. 105-106). (Function). Kindle Edition. ↩︎

Laying Down Your Life as a Leader: A Lesson from the Good Shepherd

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Within Christian circles there is much talk of “laying down your life” for others. We talk about it in the contexts of marriage and leadership in particular.

Though most people likely have some idea from where the idea comes—the Bible—they may not know specifically the passage.

In John 10, Jesus is speaking to the crowds. He has just healed a man that was blind since he was born (John 9). It is an extraordinary event (read more about it here). Jesus goes on to teach following this event and creates a “division” among the Jews. And though the Jewish leaders suggest Jesus’ words in John 10 about the “good shepherd” are coming from a demon-possessed man, the people respond, “These are not the words of one who is oppressed by a demon. Can a demon open the eyes of the blind (Jn 10:21)?”

The words Jesus gives to the crowds are hard words, but particularly hard for leaders in their cultural context. Whereas leaders in that time “lorded it over” their subordinates—as Jesus says in Matthew 20:25—he was calling leaders (and others) to be willing to die in the care of subordinates. This is not too far off as a description of leadership even today.

Studies continually show that a large percentage of employees struggle with a toxic boss or manager.

Kusy, Mitchell, and Holloway, Elizabeth, Toxic Workplace!: Managing Toxic Personalities and Their Systems of Power, 1st Edition (2009)

In John 10:7 Jesus begins to speak figuratively of a shepherd who cares for his sheep. He draws a distinction between a hired hand and the sheep-owning shepherd. This shepherd is not just a paid employee of the owner, but the owner of the sheep himself. The sheep understand this shepherd— “They hear his voice” —and they follow him. They trust him. They know he wants their good.

No Running Away

The good shepherd doesn’t run off when things get tough. He doesn’t leave his sheep unprotected, even when there is danger afoot.

He also draws a distinction between a “thief” who comes to “steal and destroy” and the good shepherd who gives life to the sheep. He provides good pasture and protection from the wolves and the sheep’s own stupidity. While sheep are always “looking for ways to die,” as one sheep rancher told some visitors, the good shepherd looks out for them.

This analogy points to Jesus Christ, who is the only really Good Shepherd. We can’t forget that.

If we lead others . . .

But it also challenges those who lead to be like Jesus. We are being continually conformed to the image of Jesus and this is a part of that. If we lead others, we need to—

  • Know our sheep that they might know us.
  • Be trustworthy that they may trust us.
  • Be respectful that they may respect us.
  • Look out for their good, though we may be put in very uncomfortable positions.
  • For example, standing up for them that, when we do, others look upon us with disfavor because we are associating with and supporting those people.
  • As Paul challenged the Philippian church, “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. 5 Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, 6 who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7 but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men.” Philippians 2:3-7

Is this the kind of leader you are?

What would Jesus do?

“The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. . . No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord.”

Lay down your life.

Saul’s False Apology: Seeking Repentance from an Abuser

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Recently, a survivor of domestic violence shared an apology letter her abuser had written to her. It sounded pretty good.

But, as most who have dealt with an abuser, she was not taken in by the carefully chosen sweet words.

In 1st Samuel 26 we see a false apology by King Saul.

Then Saul said, “I have sinned. Return, my son David, for I will no more do you harm, because my life was precious in your eyes this day. Behold, I have acted foolishly, and have made a great mistake.”

1 Samuel 26:21

Saul had been chasing David seeking to kill him. In this passage, David has snuck up on King Saul, giving David the opportunity to end the chase by killing Saul. But rather than killing Saul, he gave him opportunity to repent of his evil.

Saul seems deeply moved by David’s grace and admits he acted foolishly.

Sounds good, but it is a much harder thing to say, “I envied you, David. I had hatred in my heart for you. I desired your death.”

Each of the italicized words are heart words. They are the spring from which grow the evil fruit we all produce. These come from the heart; and what I mean by heart is the whole of the inner man—cognitive and emotive.

But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person. For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander.

Matthew 15:18-19 (ESV)

Out of the depths of man come the evil we act upon.

So, when an apology is made for actions that have crushed others, it is appropriate for the apology to give attention to from where that evil action came. “I was chasing you, David because I was envious and hateful.”

“I was harsh with my Assistant Pastor because I envied his skills.”

The Difficulty of Real Apologies

The reason we don’t hear real apologies is because it is very hard to give them.

To bring our inner evil to light just takes too much humility and self-awareness. Imagine an abusive leader whose entitlement and power is so much of their substance and identity; how can they humbly admit to such wickedness?

It is difficult for the average Joe. Just imagine how difficult it is for the one who is so unwilling to dive deeply into his own heart and air out the stench contained there.

It is interesting, as you read on in 1st Samuel; David is not taken in by Saul’s apology. The text goes on to record David’s thoughts:

“Now I shall perish one day by the hand of Saul. There is nothing better for me than that I should escape to the land of the Philistines.”

1 Samuel 27:1

There is more than one place where David shows his insight to Saul’s wickedness. I wrote earlier about how Jonathan—Saul’s son—was taken in by Saul’s apologies. But David is not.

What Are We to Do?

There is One Who is omniscient—the Lord God Almighty. He knows the heart—the whole inner being of man—and He knows whether or not an apology is truly from the heart.

Because of that, we must not make judgments beyond what is clearly evident. Though we make judgments of the heart on a regular basis—our laws are in part based on them (1st degree murder as opposed to manslaughter) —it is something we must do carefully and with good evidence in hand. Yes, we can logically assume when someone does great evil, that since great evil comes out of the heart, there is great evil intended.

Yet, because there can be unintended evil actions and therefore, not coming from evil intent, we cannot ultimately be perfect judges of inner character. We are not omniscient and do not fully see the inner man.

Give it Time

Therefore I recommend the following perspectives to those who have received apologies from their toxic leader:

  1. It might be true,
  2. or it might be false,
  3. we are not omniscient,
  4. so it does not change anything,
  5. and to know the answer to 1) or 2) it takes time for the fruit of repentance to be evident.

Numbers one, two, and three are obvious; it is only God who knows the heart and so we cannot ultimately—in this life—know if an apology is truly true or not. Though Scripture makes clear that Christians may make some judgments based on the outward works of others (Matt. 12:33-37), it also makes clear we must be very, very careful doing so (Jam. 4:12).

We must not claim omniscience.

So, an apology initially does not really change anything.

We do not know for certain that the abusive individual is truly confessing his sin or simply trying to manipulate his victims, those to whom they are accountable, and/or onlookers. So, we must continue to press forward with what we believe the LORD is calling us to do in the meantime.

Leaders should not be placed back on their platform until their apparent repentance becomes true repentance. That takes time; so give it time.

Because we do not know the heart of the abuser, and we have suffered great harm, it is acting responsibly to be wary of their confession. It is certainly reasonable to accept it as given, while unnecessary to proclaim they have repented and place ourselves under their control prematurally.

Get to a safe place, and give it time for the fruit of repentance to be evident—or not.

The Sin of [Bystander] Complicity: Toxic Followership in the Workplace

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There are two kinds of complicity in cases of abuse in the workplace or home: The one who gets it but refuses to stand by the victim and the one who refuses to get it and goes along to get along.

Both are wicked because they both have the same effect; they allow a great evil that the LORD continually condemns in His Word.

The Old Testament law was given to lead Israel to love God and neighbor effectively. In Leviticus we have laws that relate to making sacrifice for sins. Through those horribly bloody killings of animals, the Israelites were directed to the fact that their sin brings death . . . and the LORD provided a means for that death to be on something else.

The incredible holiness of God and the brokenness of God’s people were ever on display through those sacrifices.

In Leviticus 5 there is one verse that gives us a hint at the evil perpetrated by those who refuse to testify to the wickedness of another who sins. Often we give all sorts of leeway to bystanders, but the LORD does not. We need to be humbly challenged by His Word:

“If anyone sins in that he hears a public adjuration to testify, and though he is a witness, whether he has seen or come to know the matter, yet does not speak, he shall bear his iniquity . . .”

Leviticus 5:1 (ESV)

“Adjuration” is just a fancy word for a call. It is a sin if you see abusive behavior—which always destroys others—and do not seek accountability for the offending party. You are not free from sin though you did not do the abusive deed. You are doing all you can to allow the evil to continue and God calls this sin.

The Workplace Bullying Institute has done some excellent work since 1997 including the frequent surveying of American businesses and employees regarding toxic workplaces. In their 2021 survey, I found a particular statement fascinating:

The final group to discuss is the one that baffles us most. These are respondents who claim no experience with workplace bullying and do not profess to have an opinion about it. They do not care. We surmise that this 34% of Americans deny its existence. They are the fellow workers likely to turn away when asked to help. Similarly, they are the most likely to blame targeted individuals for their fate. 

Gary Namie, “2021 WBI U.S. Workplace Bullying Survey,” Workplace Bullying Institute (blog), February 24, 2021, http://workplacebullying.org/2021-wbi-survey/.

34% of Americans “turn away when asked to help” when their coworkers or subordinates are being battered by others in the workplace. They are complicit to the evil according to Leviticus 5.

What might interest you further is that the largest group in this particular category of complicit workers also happens to be the most conservative. And you can take that a step further noting that Evangelicals will largely be in that group.

This despite the Word of God teaching that it is sin to stand by while someone is being abused and supporting the abuser rather than the victim. And yet, these people they think they get a free pass.

How can that be?

It can be because it is hard to stand up, particularly when it is a boss who is oppressing his subordinates. And even harder when it is a spiritual authority—pastor or elder—who is crushing his flock with Christiany-sounding words.

Loss of job, fear of “touching the Lord’s anointed (1 Sam. 26:9),” or losing face with important people in the church or workplace drives our misplaced allegiances.

However, we must be directed by the Word of God and the call to love our neighbor as ourself. Love means to care for the vulnerable in these places of toxicity. It means to stand up for them when we see abusive behavior.

I am an empathetic guy and I understand the fears—I have failed in this over and over. So, this blog is as much for me as it is for anyone else.

But there are people all around you dependent on you to stand for truth and answer the adjuration to testify.

The Passing of My Mother, Defender of the Vulnerable

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My mother defended me always.

She defended the vulnerable all her days.

As a child, my mother grew up with an abusive father. I didn’t know this until I was almost 60 years old.

I had been studying abuse for several years and then we had a talk. The grandfather I knew was my grandmother’s second marriage. He was good, kind, and gentle. He was an absolute dear of a man.

But the father my mother grew up with until she was 16 years old was abusive. Controlling, entitled, and unfit to be a husband and father. He left that year for a job in Canada and didn’t return.

My grandmother proceeded to finish raising her five children without aid, working hard and showing her children a mettle that would forever form them.

My mother, who watched her mother suffer – as she did herself – under the toxic husband and father, would be a resilient and loving person of whom all who knew her spoke praises upon praises. She became a feminist of the kind that recognized women have value. And she had grown up seeing that value undermined at every turn.

My grandmother would go on to be a publicly elected official and serve her community for many years.

My mother became a writer who celebrated the people of her community for many years as a journalist.

Then finally, in her waning years, published a book about an elected official who had gone against the political grain of his community, including Macarthyism, to support the vulnerable.

My mother, who defended me, even when I was indefensible, passed from life in October of 2023. I will miss her deeply but know that she sought to raise her own five children to use their gifting to seek the good of their neighbor as she did.

I pray that I will defend the vulnerable as she did . . . if only half as much.

A Tribute to My Mother:

Our friend and hero Charlotte Dehnert passed away this fall. We want to honor her memory by sharing the brilliant story that inspired the creation of the Bookmarked community. Charlotte was a local author who entered the library with the great news of publishing her book Lester Callaway Hunt: He Put Wyoming’s Bucking Horse On the Map, a Biography. She presented her book to the on-duty librarian, Ami, hopeful for help in getting the word out. Ami saw an opportunity and began to organize around the idea that the literary artists who call Wyoming home deserve to be celebrated. Bookmarked Literary Arts Festival was born so that Charlotte and a state full of hopeful, blossoming Wyoming authors can have a cheering section waiting to welcome any new creation they are ready to share!

Ami Vincent, Director and Founder of the Bookmarked Festival

Individual Responsibility: But I was raised that way!

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He was trained to think of the boss as all powerful. He was even nurtured at his father’s knee to be a manly man who took charge and recognized his entitled place in society.

How do we view the abusive leader of the home or workplace who has seen no other way of relating to people since childhood?

For many of us, we have a certain empathic response to these kinds of situations. Though we may not put it in words, we have given these abusive individuals at least a temporary pass for their wicked behavior.

In the backs of our minds we think, “They cannot help their sin.”

No Pass

However, the Lord, though always compassionate, does not give abusers a pass.

Though ultimately we may be saved by the blood of Jesus Christ in the end, those of us who continue in the sins of our raising will be held responsible for that sin. [see footnote]

We do not get a get out of jail free card.

Ezekiel was a prophet and priest and was exiled to Babylon in 597 B.C. He spoke fearlessly and forcefully to a people who had turned from the Lord. And he spoke with compassion to those who would turn from their sin though raised on the knee of wickedness.

“But if a wicked person turns away from all his sins that he has committed and keeps all my statutes and does what is just and right, he shall surely live; he shall not die. 22 None of the transgressions that he has committed shall be remembered against him; for the righteousness that he has done he shall live.”

Ezekiel 18:21-22

However, Ezekiel also explained to those who would give others or themselves a pass because they learned to abuse others from their parents (or shall I add business or church leadership models) that they are responsible for their own sin. And the one who rejects those role models will be received as righteous.

“Now suppose this man fathers a son who sees all the sins that his father has done; he sees, and does not do likewise: 15 he does not eat upon the mountains or lift up his eyes to the idols of the house of Israel, does not defile his neighbor’s wife, 16 does not oppress anyone, exacts no pledge, commits no robbery, but gives his bread to the hungry and covers the naked with a garment, 17 withholds his hand from iniquity, takes no interest or profit, obeys my rules, and walks in my statutes; he shall not die for his father’s iniquity; he shall surely live. 18 As for his father, because he practiced extortion, robbed his brother, and did what is not good among his people, behold, he shall die for his iniquity.”

Ezekiel 18:14-18

Ezekiel says, “The son shall not suffer for the iniquity of the father, nor the father suffer for the iniquity of the son. The righteousness of the righteous shall be upon himself, and the wickedness of the wicked shall be upon himself.”

Responsible

The individual is held responsible for their own sin whether they learned it well from others or not.

As we interact with abusive authority, we need to remember these words. The underlying principles that we can learn are that God does not allow our empathy to give a pass to the horrible wickedness of oppression even if the leader has been taught it from others.

He is responsible for his abuse. He is responsible for turning from it.

His or her only recourse is to fall before the Lord and confess the sin and walk away from it in new life.

Footnote: Those who repent and believe in Jesus Christ’s work on the cross, dying for man’s sins, as necessary for their eternal salvation do indeed get a “get out of jail free” card. However, the assurance of God’s forgiveness is for those who hate their sin and seek to turn from it (repentance). Abusive people must recognize, confess, and repent of their sins of entitlement and control as a means of oppressing others.