Spending time with researchers on “bad leadership” from around the world this past week was a helpful, eye-opening, and an enjoyable experience.
Anders Örtenblad and Horia Moașa gathered us from nearly 20 countries to discuss and present research findings on bad leadership. The gathering— “The Dracula Conference on Bad Leadership” —was held at the University of Transylvania (yes, there is a real place called that) in Brașov, Romania.
“Dracula” —given that name by Irish novelist Bram Stoker—was actually Vlad the Impaler, a former ruler in the Transylvania region of Romania, a picturesque location in the mountains of Romania.
Count Dracula & Grey Leadership
Vlad was actually a hero to Romanians as a law and order guy who also repelled the Ottoman army from the Romanian homeland. He was also rather ruthless.
This distinction was a model to some researchers who are looking at bad leadership from the subjective eye-of-the-beholder perspective. Some see Vlad as evil (mostly those of us who only know him from Irish novelist Stoker’s vantage point—Dracula the blood-sucking vampire), but others see him as a hero.
Therefore, Dracula (or Vlad) is the perfect model for the “grey” leader (vs. dark) for some researchers.
These researchers see bad leaders as having redeemable qualities.
However, as one well-known researcher who has been at the forefront of bullying in the workplace research for 30 years or more (in Norway), noted to me as we gazed up at Dracula’s castle on an outing, “This is a dangerous perspective.” This perspective can end up giving a free pass to leaders because they do “some good.”
I have watched destructive or toxic leadership consistently end badly.
This runs counter to seeing bad leaders as being both good and bad. Maybe we can see the “good” they have done whether in policies put in place or actions taken, but suggest, “I know he isn’t a good person.” We may be hesitant to classify any leader as truly toxic. We don’t want to stigmatize leaders.
I understand this view and appreciate the optimism.
But truly toxic leadership always ends badly.
This is a type of leadership distinguished by a lack of humility to see and respond to their own failings. Yes, there are “grey” leaders who might be too harsh or somewhere along the line of narcisissm, but they respond to confrontation with thoughtfulness and a willingness to work on their leadership skills. We need the research in this area, because real change can be made.
But “toxic leadership” does not possess this humility and is a different animal. So we need to be able to discern between the two.
Toxic leader’s destruction of relationships, near and far, is too great to ignore. I can (almost) guarantee through empirical evidence, and a large range of research, that leadership that is not humble or responsive to confrontation for mistakes made by them will end in greater destruction than any positive outcomes their compliant followers attribute to them.
Boots on the Ground
This brings me to the “boots on the ground” part of this blog’s title.
It was suggested that we pay attention to the practitioners of toxic leadership—those who are living in the spaces where toxic leadership takes place and are learning from empirical evidence, maybe more so than from written research.
Much of what I have learned about toxic leadership has been in the area of abuse in the home (domestic violence) from engagement with those who have suffered from it.
When I shared with one new friend at the conference that my entry to this field was through a combination of domestic violence and leadership abuse they noted that researcher Bennet Tepper made the same connection nearly 30 years ago. There was pushback at that time, according to this researcher, because Tepper had not made the connection (through research) clear between domestic violence and leadership abuse dynamics. He largely took it for granted supposedly.
In my 10 years of interviews and research, there is no doubt whatsoever that there is a very clear connection between the dynamics and psychology of abuse in the home and workplace. It is for that reason that I nearly always connect the two in my own writing. Much of my early research was specifically in domestic violence as I sought to understand what and why toxic leaders were thinking and acting the way they did.
This connection is not to say that an abuser in the home also abuses in the workplace. That is not the connection I am making. It is that the intent of the leader in the workplace and the abuser in the home is the same: (S)he believes (s)he is entitled to be at the top of the pecking order and controls others in order to maintain that position.
The tactics these abusive individuals use may be different at home and in the workplace, but those tactics have the same goal. Therefore, it is helpful to study domestic violence to understand workplace abuse.
It is Wicked
Getting back to the earlier part of this blog, the abusive partner or leader’s perspective is wicked and evil. It is self-centered, selfish, and oppressive to those under their thumb.
If you spend any time with boots on the ground or have spent any time as the target of an abusive leader, you will at least to some degree understand how truly wicked it is. The stories of illnesses—physical, emotional, and spiritual—created by these leaders should stop anyone from making light of it or suggesting toxic leadership is in any way “grey.”
We must make a distinction between these types of leadership.
Recently, a survivor of domestic violence shared an apology letter her abuser had written to her. It sounded pretty good.
But, as most who have dealt with an abuser, she was not taken in by the carefully chosen sweet words.
In 1st Samuel 26 we see a false apology by King Saul.
Then Saul said, “I have sinned. Return, my son David, for I will no more do you harm, because my life was precious in your eyes this day. Behold, I have acted foolishly, and have made a great mistake.”
1 Samuel 26:21
Saul had been chasing David seeking to kill him. In this passage, David has snuck up on King Saul, giving David the opportunity to end the chase by killing Saul. But rather than killing Saul, he gave him opportunity to repent of his evil.
Saul seems deeply moved by David’s grace and admits he acted foolishly.
Sounds good, but it is a much harder thing to say, “I envied you, David. I had hatred in my heart for you. I desired your death.”
Each of the italicized words are heart words. They are the spring from which grow the evil fruit we all produce. These come from the heart; and what I mean by heart is the whole of the inner man—cognitive and emotive.
But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person. For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander.
Matthew 15:18-19 (ESV)
Out of the depths of man come the evil we act upon.
So, when an apology is made for actions that have crushed others, it is appropriate for the apology to give attention to from where that evil action came. “I was chasing you, David because I was envious and hateful.”
“I was harsh with my Assistant Pastor because I envied his skills.”
The Difficulty of Real Apologies
The reason we don’t hear real apologies is because it is very hard to give them.
To bring our inner evil to light just takes too much humility and self-awareness. Imagine an abusive leader whose entitlement and power is so much of their substance and identity; how can they humbly admit to such wickedness?
It is difficult for the average Joe. Just imagine how difficult it is for the one who is so unwilling to dive deeply into his own heart and air out the stench contained there.
It is interesting, as you read on in 1st Samuel; David is not taken in by Saul’s apology. The text goes on to record David’s thoughts:
“Now I shall perish one day by the hand of Saul. There is nothing better for me than that I should escape to the land of the Philistines.”
1 Samuel 27:1
There is more than one place where David shows his insight to Saul’s wickedness. I wrote earlier about how Jonathan—Saul’s son—was taken in by Saul’s apologies. But David is not.
What Are We to Do?
There is One Who is omniscient—the Lord God Almighty. He knows the heart—the whole inner being of man—and He knows whether or not an apology is truly from the heart.
Because of that, we must not make judgments beyond what is clearly evident. Though we make judgments of the heart on a regular basis—our laws are in part based on them (1st degree murder as opposed to manslaughter) —it is something we must do carefully and with good evidence in hand. Yes, we can logically assume when someone does great evil, that since great evil comes out of the heart, there is great evil intended.
Yet, because there can be unintended evil actions and therefore, not coming from evil intent, we cannot ultimately be perfect judges of inner character. We are not omniscient and do not fully see the inner man.
Give it Time
Therefore I recommend the following perspectives to those who have received apologies from their toxic leader:
It might be true,
or it might be false,
we are not omniscient,
so it does not change anything,
and to know the answer to 1) or 2) it takes time for the fruit of repentance to be evident.
Numbers one, two, and three are obvious; it is only God who knows the heart and so we cannot ultimately—in this life—know if an apology is truly true or not. Though Scripture makes clear that Christians may make some judgments based on the outward works of others (Matt. 12:33-37), it also makes clear we must be very, very careful doing so (Jam. 4:12).
We must not claim omniscience.
So, an apology initially does not really change anything.
We do not know for certain that the abusive individual is truly confessing his sin or simply trying to manipulate his victims, those to whom they are accountable, and/or onlookers. So, we must continue to press forward with what we believe the LORD is calling us to do in the meantime.
Leaders should not be placed back on their platform until their apparent repentance becomes true repentance. That takes time; so give it time.
Because we do not know the heart of the abuser, and we have suffered great harm, it is acting responsibly to be wary of their confession. It is certainly reasonable to accept it as given, while unnecessary to proclaim they have repented and place ourselves under their control prematurally.
Get to a safe place, and give it time for the fruit of repentance to be evident—or not.
Recently, while attending an abuse conference, I was discussing with another attendee the suffering of those who are having to put on the good face for their mission supporters back home while being tormented by their missionary spouse on the field.
Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for mission leaders to be abusive to spouses, children, and mission subordinates.
We discussed that there are many seemingly insurmountable difficulties in getting free from an abusive spouse. But when that also involves living in a foreign country and being dependent on mission supporters for income, there seems to be another layer of the insurmountable.
Lisa’s story has a happy ending but it meant years and years of torment for her.
Lisa told me that when she was eleven years old, she knew that God was calling her to be a missionary. She had seen an old black-and-white film about African mission work and she immediately knew it was for her.
She spent the years following that childhood dream leading others to Christ and never imagined being married. She would be married to Christ on the mission field.
But then she met Byron who had aborted his university undergraduate degree in order to embark on a seven-year theological studies course. His seeming commitment to Christ and a future as a missionary “touched” her and they were married.
Addictions
What she didn’t know until much later was Byron’s developing addiction to alcohol and later drugs.
He had been working at a vineyard while doing his theological studies and had full access to the wine cellar. It likely started with “just a small sip of free wine” which Lisa imagined he would describe as “the perfect solution to cope with the stress of the high demands he was subjected to, together with his studies.”
In addition, his smoking, which she did know about, drove her crazy. Lisa explained, “He took an oath on the day we got married, he would stop smoking.”
Lisa and Byron went on the African mission field.
The smoking didn’t stop. In fact, Byron began to shame Lisa that she wasn’t doing enough to help him kick the habit. He told her that she had “failed to help him properly” . . . shifting the blame . . . in spite of his vow at their wedding. She did all she could, even attending a group with him to help him stop.
Then as they pursued the Lord’s work on the mission field he began using tranquilizers. She explained to me,
“As head of the missionary outpost he had free access to the medications of the small mission hospital. Although all missionaries could not have any alcohol whatsoever in their homes, I only years later discovered that Byron always asked visitors from afar, to ‘quietly bring me some alcohol from the village – just please, don’t let Lisa see’ and hid it somewhere.”
Byron insisted, according to Lisa, that every afternoon he needed to sleep and he used the drugs to help him forget his difficulties on the mission.
Lisa sought to convince Byron to exercise and eat healthy foods to help with his stress but he responded, “I simply swallow something – that’s much easier, faster and more effective!”
Brain Damaged Wife
Lisa had two brain aneurysms after nearly 30 years of marriage. She suffered through a 15-hour surgery that saved her life. Their congregation had prayed fervently and they considered it a miracle that she pulled through.
Byron, on the other hand, was now angry that his well-trained wife could not do all she had formerly done for him. Initially, Lisa saw everything double and could not remember things of which she always used to remind him.
Lisa said,
“Byron had no sympathy, just anger about what I left undone, and he angrily humiliated me as ‘brain damaged’ and presented himself as the poor husband of the brain damaged wife, eventually starting to beat me.”
The Physical Abuse
Lisa told me that when she said anything about addiction or dependence he would beat and even kick her. She eventually had “three orthopedic operations: a torn biceps in one arm, a torn triceps in the other arm and a torn knee ligament leading to a full knee replacement.”
“He often used his fists on me when we were alone, still presenting himself as the ‘victim of the brain damaged wife’ for his escalating anger and sarcasm.”
She said, “I was a prisoner in my own house. I did not want my children to know.”
But she held out hope that once Byron “understood the danger of the addiction he was gambling with, he would be willing to go for rehab. This, however, never happened.”
Lisa sought out help from counselors for the physical abuse but she was continually advised to just “love him more.” If a therapist said anything else to the couple, Byron would refuse to see him again, claiming they “don’t know what they are talking about.”
She was not realizing that Byron was “completely addicted and not at all interested in rehab.”
Lisa explained,
“As his beatings became more severe, twice a doctor reported physical abuse to the police, who wanted to arrest him. I refused for the sake of my children, and the officer assured me that the case always remains legal and valid and may be presented at any later sign of abuse. He said, ‘And he will be arrested immediately and sleep in the tjoekie – he must learn!'”
This finally put the physical abuse of decades to an end.
The Children
At the young age of 56 Byron was “respectfully requested” to resign from the mission due to the decline in his work because Lisa was unable to prop up his ministry anymore.
Lisa explained to me, “The children sensed the tension and anger in the house.” Byron kept on emphasizing his wife’s ‘brain damage’ as an explanation for the escalating tension in the house.
But, when the children or anyone visited, Lisa said Byron was the “friendly, good-natured father and loving husband.”
But he “immediately turned into a monster once everyone left.”
Others could see, however. Once a professional she confided in told her, “Lisa, I see nothing of Jesus in Byron! He is a total addict!”
The Narcissist
In time, Lisa was able to put a name to the abusive missionary husband. She described him as a “covert narcissist.” She studied the traits of narcissism and realized that he had all of the traits described in the literature.
And there was the physical abuse and the addictions on top of that.
What she learned was that a narcissist is a perfect actor and liar. He was quite “convincing how much he adored his beautiful wife while abusing her behind closed doors.”
“In the end I had to inform my children of the dark truth that their father is a narcissist, of his addiction and his beatings of me, leading to the orthopedic operations that always ‘had other names.’ It was a huge shock for them, and Byron immediately started doing what all narcissists do: He twisted truths and sadly even told outright lies about me to isolate me from my children . . . leaning on the fact that he is their father and they have a bond of blood with him.”
Lisa sadly said that initially he successfully alienated the children from her, isolating her from them to enable him to posess and control the family.
No More Harm
Lisa noted that what we sow, we reap.
Lisa told me,
“I often prayed to God, relying on the assurance from God that He lets ‘all things work together for our good’ (as promised in Romans 8:28). When I started praising Him for that as in Philippians 4:6, I realized that God had actually allowed and then actually used Byron’s addition and resulting illness in my favor . . . to let him reap what he has sown all his life and now helplessly and harmlessly sit on an oxygen machine and in a wheelchair! Praise Him!”
She said, “Byron’s addiction and lifestyle of 60 years finally led to two heart attacks, ending in heart failure, kidney failure, severe emphyzema, eventually requiring him to be on oxygen full time due to less than 25% lung capacity.”
He now lives in a nursing home, moving about in a wheelchair in which he is pushed outside to get a smoke, then returned “urgently to his oxygen afterwards.”
But now, Byron can no longer harm Lisa.
She takes him his medication or cigarettes every eight days or so and if he makes a “sarcastic remark” she takes her leave.
He can no longer harm Lisa.
She exclaimed, “I am free!”
“The very thing that was my cross for so many years – his addiction and his abuse – has now borne fruit for him to set me free.”
Lisa knows that she did all she could to help Byron.
“And now, after more than a year in the nursing home on oxygen, I can in fact slowly start praying for him, releasing him, for my own sanity, as God teaches me. Because, just like the cruel and sarcastic Roman soldiers mockingly nailing the Son of God, Jesus Christ, to the cross, he has no idea whatsoever what he is doing.”
Having come from a long line of pastors—father, grandfather, and uncle—his calling to the ministry seemed a natural consequence of being born into his family.
Following Bible college and a stint with a traveling ministry, Aaron joined the staff of a large church with a well-known and “successful” pastor. Pastor Gene had been in the ministry for nearly 50 years and had served at all levels of leadership within Aaron’s denomination. Aaron said he and his wife, Joyce trusted him like a grandpa.
Aaron joined the staff as a music minister. He considered it his “dream job” and Joyce was hired in the youth ministry.
I could tell in our discussion that Aaron was the dream employee. A self-described “people-pleaser” and “rule-follower,” he was eager to please both his senior pastor and congregation. He clearly had a heart for ministry.
Just the Way He Is
But, after two years of serving in the church, Aaron came home to his wife and shared with her, “I think Pastor Gene has a man-crush on me.”
Aaron explained that Pastor Gene would do subtle things.
They would go out to coffee and Aaron noticed that when he would put his hand on the table, Pastor Gene would put his hand on Aaron’s. Taken aback, Joyce responded that she thought it was just the way he is. She knew he was very physical in his engagement with others.
These kinds of actions continued over two years and, though Aaron was disconcerted with it at first, he got more and more comfortable with the touching. Over time, however, the amount of physical touch ramped up. Pastor Gene seemed to get more and more “touchy” with Aaron as he described it.
Then one day Pastor Gene leaned in to give Aaron a kiss.
Four months after Aaron shared his suspicions with Joyce, Pastor Gene’s wife, Lee came to him “and exposed everything.” She explained to him that she and her husband “had been having arguments since October.”
Aaron asked her, “What does that mean?”
“Lee shared how Pastor Gene had fallen in love with me.”
Aaron was shocked. He described putting “walls put up instantly.” He said he went home that night and his son, who was only over a year old, came to give him a kiss goodnight and Aaron said he “immediately put up a wall.”
Fortunately, he said he realized his mistake and “brought him in, giving him a kiss goodnight.”
Power of the Pastor’s Presence
According to Wanda Collins of Baylor University,
“Every clergy or minister is a symbol of religious authority. By virtue of the pastoral office, the minister interprets religious truth, the meaning of life, the way of faith, and even the reality of God. Add to that status the power of the pastor’s presence through ministry, and the special influence a minister holds among his or her congregation.”
As I have written before, there is a significant power diferential between pastors and their subordinates or congregant members. As Collins notes, people under their care look to them for guidance that involves eternal life. Sexual advances by a pastor to those under his care are called “harassment” for a reason. It is more than sex that is at play in these cases.
When the pastor’s wife met with Aaron, she said he “needed to go to the church board because she couldn’t.” She feared being the one to bring down her pastor husband.
Yet, by end of week she was telling Aaron, “I’m such a horrible person. I can’t believe I did this.” She had completely “flipped,” confusing Aaron and Joyce. Aaron said, “She told us that everything she had told us was wrong. She asked us to forget about it and forgive her. She said that it was an attack of the enemy on our church and Pastor.”
Aaron and Joyce began trying to prayerfully figure out what to do next. Pastor Gene and his wife were leaving on a vacation at the end of the week and so Aaron arranged a meeting with the four of them before they left.
Aaron described the meeting as a “laying out boundaries” he had determined to enforce. He told the pastor,
He would not be in a room alone with the pastor.
He would not allow the pastor to be with his son.
Aaron would not allow the pastor to touch him.
Their ministry work needed to be in view of others.
The pastor would not enter the prayer room where Aaron kept the music when Aaron was there.
Pastor Gene responded, “Are you calling me a pervert?”
As Aaron explained, this showed Pastor Gene’s hand.
Aaron said, “Nope, never did that. Just laying out boundaries.”
Sacred Trust
Collins notes, “When the male clergy exploits his privileged position for personal sexual satisfaction, he violates a sacred trust that is contrary to Christian morals, doctrine, and canon laws. Because of the respect and even reverence the position carries, there is an imbalance of power and hence a vulnerability inherent in the ministerial relationship.
That “sacred trust” was broken. Aaron knew he was in a very vulnerable position and Pastor Gene was not likely to humble himself. Staying meant further violations and leaving meant the loss of jobs and income.
However, Aaron and Joyce knew they needed to leave the church. Aaron explained to me four perspectives he had as they left:
Aaron said his attitude was, “If Christ forgave me, I have to forgive.”
Many survivors of abusive leadership will understandably struggle with forgiveness in part because they have been taught it means to ignore the sins of their abuser. However, Aaron recognized the need for accountability in leadership. He said that if nobody had come to leadership to report the pastor’s toxic behavior, he wanted to be first. But, if others had, Aaron wanted to corroborate the testimony of those others.
Though it was not their responsibility or burden to bear, Aaron and Joyce sought to leave the church quietly for fear of the sheep scattering. Aaron said he didn’t want it all to blow up and the congregation’s faith to be hurt.
And finally, Aaron said if Pastor Gene wanted help, Aaron was not the one who could give it, but could lead the pastor down that road.
Leaving the Abuse
When Aaron announced his resignation, he saw Pastor Gene begin to cover his tracks.
When Aaron and Joyce met with him a week before his last sunday in the employ of the church, Pastor Gene said, “My wife is Norwegian and I don’t know what I’m going to do with her.”
He blamed her for misreading his actions saying, “I’m a touchy kind of guy. I hug. She doesn’t understand that.”
As Aaron and Joyce left the employ of the church, he spoke with three trusted pastors: his father, Joyce’s uncle, and another local pastor named Troy.
He and Joyce went to her uncle and said they were trying to “get out fast.” The uncle asked why? Aaron said, “It’s just important to get out.”
Joyce’s uncle said, “Is there an issue with pastor?”
Finally Aaron said, “Yeah.”
“Joyce’s Uncle asked her if we were leaving because Pastor was having an affair. Joyce did not respond. He asked if it was with a man. She was shocked and began to cry. Being that they already knew part of the situation, we relayed the whole story to them. They both said they were not surprised.”
The uncle shared about other pastors who had left shortly after working for Pastor Gene. He also spoke of rumors regarding Pastor Gene exhibiting homosexual behavior.
The uncle even described a night “when he got a call and the caller was inappropriate and he thought it sounded like Pastor Gene.”
Up to this point, Aaron and Joyce thought this was an isolated incident. However, the uncle’s comments added to the pastor’s wife’s revelation that it had happened before.
Joyce’s Uncle encouraged them to tell someone what was going on, but Aaron said they felt insecure, embarrassed, and confused.
However, Aaron and Joyce went to Aaron’s father, also a pastor. Aaron explained that his denomination is very concerned about slander and if Aaron accused Pastor Gene of anything, things would not go well for him. His father’s advice was helpful to Aaron. He told Aaron, “Don’t accuse, just share your story when reporting it.”
Blood on His Head
Pastor Troy came to Aaron and asked him why he was leaving the ministry. Again, Aaron tried to hide the true reason, but the pastor kept pushing him.
Aaron asked Pastor Troy, “Why are you pushing?” He replied, “Because I think I know why.” Aaron asked him what he knew and again the pastor said he had heard rumors. The pastor said, “I should have done something about it [when I heard the rumors]. I didn’t, so your blood is on my head. I’m not going to let that happen again.”
As they left the church quietly, they faced the anger and disappointment of family members who didn’t understand their move. How could they leave the church “in a lurch like this,” they asked.
Joyce’s mom shared her suspicions that the pastor had an affair, thinking he was involved in a sexual relationship with a woman. They explained Pastor Gene’s sexual advances. Obviously, it was not an affair as that would imply consent and willing emotional and/or sexual involvement between two adults.
Neither of which applies in Aaron’s case where Pastor Gene groomed and attempted to sexually assault him.
Her father told them they needed to tell others or “Pastor Gene will see it as weakness and he’ll do this same thing again.”
Reporting
After several months, having resigned, Aaron typed up his story and had it notarized. He made two copies “so it wouldn’t be forgotten.” He set up a meeting with the regional leadership of the denomination and read it to them.
Joyce’s father went with them to the meeting along with the other pastor to whom Aaron had shared the story.
The other pastor told Aaron he wanted to tell his own story and not have Aaron in the meeting when he did. He wanted to tell his story seperately from Aaron so the evidence would be presented in an “unbiased way.”
After nearly a year and a half, Aaron and Joyce had heard nothing. The other pastor began pushing the regional leadership to do something.
The leadership called Aaron about meeting with Pastor Gene because the pastor wanted to apologize to him. Aaron agreed to recieving a letter from Pastor Gene, but not a personal visit.
Pastor Gene wrote the letter and it was like so many apologies of abusers. Aaron described it as saying, “I’m sorry you feel badly that I did this to you.” Aaron said there was no actual apology.
The leadership asked Aaron what they should do about Pastor Gene. Aaron shared with them that it was their responsibility to hold him accountable, not Aaron’s.
Accountability
When I asked Aaron what has provided the most healing for him, he said he sought perspective on his ministry. Aaron said, “My dad is a pastor. My gramps is pastor. I have experience knowing that even though people are in the church, they are still people.”
Aaron went on,
“My relationship with God is not dependent on people. It’s got to be my relationship with the Lord . . . We often put people on pedestal because they are in leadership. We honor those people God has given us, but we must primarily honor the Lord. I can’t look to leaders to build my relationship with the Lord. . . Jacob wrestled with god, there is a wrestling we have to have with the Lord to grow.”
Aaron made much of building good and solid boundaries.
Though abuse is never the result of the victim’s sin, but rather the deeply rooted sin in the heart of the abuser, Aaron sought to be humble before the Lord and consider how he could grow, knowing he couldn’t fix Pastor Gene’s heart.
Beauty from Ashes
In parting, Aaron shared that he saw the sovereignty of God in bringing beauty from the ashes of the evil Pastor Gene perpetrated. Though he lost his “dream” job, he was given a beautiful mnistry planting a church, ministering alongside his wife to other broken people.
“He works all things together for our good. I have to believe that and I have seen God’s hand in that.”
Emily joined the African mission work because it “sounded good. It was the way we should be helping.”
The mission hosted an orphanage and had plans to build a school and tech center for women. It was holistic in its service to the poverty-stricken community.
Emily had just graduated from college and was ready to begin her life in a foreign land, serving people as Christ would want her to serve. Emily bought her plane ticket with the intention of being a career missionary. She was excited to serve the Lord in this way.
Emily began our discussion saying that the mission was “shiny,” but when she had been with the Christian organization for a little while, that glitter began to wear off. She said, “When I saw the other side of the mission, it was like a one way mirror.”
Image
It started with small things.
The soap that they were teaching the nationals to make had a variety of ingredients. But, when it was marketed in the United States certain ingredients were left off the label.
“It was not a big deal,” she said, but she was curious why the ministry was leaving them off.
There was a constant flow of visitors. As Janice (the mission Director) would show the visitors around, Emily heard the same refrain over and over. The orphans they were serving were put on display. Emily said, mockingly, “Come and smile for these white people. Sing songs because they like that.”
Emily noted that there were so many visitors that Janice didn’t even know the children because she was so busy “showing off” the mission. Emily explained, “She didn’t know the culture, the values, important things to raising a kid. Yeah, she knew that in America, but in Africa there was a completely different value system.”
She saw a disconnect from the culture and seemingly little interest in getting to know the people on a real day-to-day level.
It was like the image presented of the organization was all that mattered, not whether it was actually serving the community or not.
Racial Boundaries
One day she was confronted by Janice. She said, “I need you to be in charge of those women in back. Yer the boss.” Emily said she felt so uncomfortable with that. “I was 23 and some of these women had grandchildren.”
Rather than allow the nationals do works of ministry, the “white girl” from America needed to be in charge. Why would Emily, who had so little experience with children, be the “boss” to a group of women who had years and years of experience?
But, there was a disturbing boundary between the Africans and Americans.
They would go to a local church together, but the Americans would be put in the front row seats and everyone stared at them. Emily explained that they would “pretend to cross the cultures periodically,” but there was no real interest in tearing down racial divides.
Laws of the Land
Janice was also breaking the country’s laws in a variety of ways in the name of “ministry.”
The ministry was saving money by purchasing rice on the black market.
They were forging birth certificates. They made up the ages for the children to encourage adoptions.
When Emily questioned Janice, she said, “This is how things work over here. I’ve been here a long time.”
But Emily, said, “As a 23 year-old you begin to think its okay to do all these morally wrong things while saying we are standing for righteousness!” She said, “There was so much truth mixed in with it that over time I began to question whether it really was the way to do it.”
Be Warmed and Be Filled
There is a passage in James that challenges our tendency to do what is expedient rather than providing real, tangible help to others in need.
If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, 16 and one of you says to them, “Go in peace, be warmed and filled,” without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that? So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.
James 2:15-17 (ESV)
Emily shared that Janice was gone one day and a local family came asking for help. They needed food or money. Emily told me,
“We said no, we can’t help you right away. Then later that day we had the realization, ‘What did we just do?’ It was almost like we had been brainwashed. We couldn’t help unless we got something out of it.”
She said it was a sobering moment. Emily reflected, “Shouldn’t we be helping – pushing back a bit?” But she said Janice would just say, “We can’t help everyone.”
There were more stories and it seemed to Emily that what they cared about was looking good and making money but didn’t really care about taking care of the kids there.
Emily told a heart-rending story of a two year-old who was brought to the orphanage. The child had a broken leg and was malnourished. She needed traction on her leg, but Janice was too busy and wouldn’t be of any help. Emily spent much time talking to doctors, but finally the child’s mother came and took her to Doctors Without Borders.
Getting Out
When Emily decided she needed to get out, she sought to bring some accountability to Janice by going to the board of the ministry.
She said, “I had a list of all the injustices. I laid it out for the board. But they simply responded, ‘Well, she’s been there so long. We just have to trust what she’s doing.'”
Emily sadly said she was in a long line. There were at least four others who had gone to the board before her.
She moved to a house nearby before returning to the United Stated. Emily explained, “I didn’t want my name associated with the ministry.” One of the boys in the orphanage begged her, “You can’t leave us with her!” She said it deeply hurt. She felt guilt that she was abandoning the children.
Learning
When I asked her what she focused on in the midst of the fire, she said, “I kept thinking about what Jesus would be doing? What would that look like. Thinking about how faith works into this? What does it look like for an organization to follow Christ?”
She said she read the gospels. Her experience put into perspective what the Bible said about the outcasts of society.
And Emily talked to anyone she could when she came home. She wisely noted, “I knew who not to talk to because of cultural clues.” Her experience like so many was that some people just don’t want to hear about apparent failure on the mission field. Some just want you to get over it and move on. They tire of hearing your story.
Some people had the attitude, “you made a commitment.” That was not helpful, she said.
Healing
I asked Emily what has been most healing for her over the past years since returning from the mission.
She said, “Talking to other people in similar circumstances.” Emily would realize that she wasn’t crazy when hearing other stories. She had been living with that feeling of insecurity.
In addition, it has been helpful to share frequently with a friend that was with her there at the mission. She tries to remember the sweet times. She doesn’t want to throw the baby out with bathwater and forget that there was good ministry there as well.
She met her husband three weeks after getting back to the United States. Emily said,
“He loved me no matter what crazy thoughts I had. Especially in the beginning. It’s an experience that will never leave. It impacts everything about me. Having someone who isn’t judging was incredibly healing.”
When she and her husband moved to a small town in the west, she crossed paths with a woman who had had a similar experience on the mission field in Africa. They sat down at Emily’s house and she told some of her story and Emily told hers. Emily said, “That was one of the most healing times.”
Forgiveness
I asked her what her journey of forgiveness has been like. She said it was a “big question everyone asks.” She said, “I don’t care to have a relationship with Janice, but have come to where I can have grace for her knowing her brokenness. She’s a human too.”
But, she added, “I could never trust her again.”
Emily noted, “Not forgiving only hurts me. She doesn’t know I haven’t forgiven. It only creates bitterness.”
But, it has been a slow process. She doesn’t think forgiving is just a “one and done” kind of experience. “I still can find myself getting up and angry again. It is more like a spiral . . . I just keep coming back to it. It is such a complicated thing.”
Some Advice
When I asked Emily if she had some advice for others suffering under toxic organizational leadership she said,
“Get out!”
She has seen others stick it out in abusive church leadership situations and the trauma and pain it has caused has convinced her that she took the right step of getting back on the plane.
“You can tell when someone is being called to do what they do and it never looks like an abusive situation.”
When it goes well with the righteous, the city rejoices, and when the wicked perish there are shouts of gladness.
Proverbs 11:10 (ESV)
A number of years ago I heard the story of an abusive husband who had passed away in an accident. His wife had suffered years of abuse at his hands. He was praised by his church at the funeral (as would be expected) and she suffered the continued hurt in silence.
And, a number of years ago, I heard of a Christian mission leader who passed away. The leader was abusive to both the nationals and to missionaries. Those who had suffered under his leadership continued the suffering of seeing that leader praised in social media.
In interviews with those who have suffered under abusive leadership of Christian organizations, this is so often their story. Particularly, if the leader’s abuse has not been widely known. The abuse they received at the leader’s hands is now heaped upon them by unsuspecting supporters who are more concerned for the dead than the living.
Different Kind of Sin
I have heard them share that as missionaries they would advise other missionaries when they would come to them for advice on how to respond to some ill-treatment they had received from their leaders.
They would say, “The leader is a sinner like you. . . give her some grace. It is their mission, they can do what they wish with it.“
They so often wish they could take back those comments.
First, what I have learned from Scripture is that on the contrary, they are not sinners just like us.
There is a wickedness that goes beyond the common sin of those willing to admit the sin and repent of it. When a Christian leader is lying and manipulating and harsh, and when confronted, justifying and blame-shifting, there is a deeper sin problem. When there is a pattern of abusive behavior their sin is more heinous because of the destruction they cause.
David spoke of the depth of this depravity in Psalm 55 and it can be seen in other “imprecatory” Psalms.
Second, a ministry is never in the ownership of the leader.
Ministries are, according to Scripture, to be directed and “owned” by the Lord. If a leader is abusing his authority, his is to be held accountable by the Lord, and if possible by the church.
The Lord Relieves the Oppressed
It takes a long time to heal from the treatment that employees of Christian organizations, led by abusive leaders, have faced.
The Proverb above describes how they feel. They may feel freed and joyful that the Lord has taken an abusive leader home that others may be relieved of his torment. Some subordinates of abusive leaders have been praying for years that the leader be held accountable for the horribly broken relationships he has caused. One missionary told me he was “sick of watching all the missionaries sent home in body bags.”
Desiring the fall of an abusive leader is not vindictive or hateful, as I read in one post. It is expressing love for those who are suffering under their wickedness. It is looking out for and desiring the truth to set captives of their evil free.
The leader may be a Christian who is now enjoying the presence of the Lord and has been cleansed of all his sin. Those who have served under him can look forward to seeing him, having been cleansed by the blood of Jesus Christ and rejoicing together that their hope and freedom was in Jesus, not in the works they did.
I pray for the healing of those who are rejoicing in the death of the wicked, that they would know rest in the Lord that is neither vindictive, nor bitter. May they know a rejoicing that there are those who have been freed from suffering at the hands of their wicked leader.
Generally, positive stories about how the church responds to abuse are far and few between. It may be because bad news travels much faster than good. But, I would guess that there just are not as many good responses as there are bad.
Janice was married to an abusive pastor. They attended seminary together and the wives of the future pastors were told that they should never tell others bad things about their pastor husbands. It can create trust and respect issues among the congregant members.
Marriage books and conferences speak often to this topic. Wives (and husbands) are normally encouraged to keep bad things to themselves. It is one of the ways you love your spouse these books and speakers say.
All Bets are Off
The problem comes when that spouse is abusive or a philanderer. Then, those bets are off. It took several years and a period of counseling for Janice to realize she needed to share her story with friends.
She had begun questioning if her faith was a sham. As her husband preached on Sunday morning, she would “mostly tune him out.” When he served communion, she would come up “with an excuse to leave.” Was God really there? Everyone loved her husband. He was a great preacher. But it didn’t seem to her to jibe with the loving God she knew.
One elder noted “his duplicit[ous] and deceitful behavior between what he preached from the pulpit and his personal and family behavior.”
When she threatened to talk to the elders, Janice had been told over and over by her abusive husband, “You think those men will believe you…do you think they care?” She had become accustomed to be called a “worthless piece of shit.” It became difficult to really know what God thought of her after her husband’s years of lies about her.
When a target of abuse finally admits to the brokenness of her home to a church’s leadership, often it goes south at this point in their story. The leaders often do not want to see the abuse and will seek to protect their well-loved pastor. They fear scandal and a loss of giving to the church or organization.
Often, the fellow leaders become complicit in the abuse.
The Church at its Best
However, Janice experienced the church at its best. The elders began doing all they could to help her and sought to help her pastor husband with his alcoholism and abuse. After these shepherding attempts did not bear fruit, the full elders’ council was brought together to hear the story.
When you get a whole leadership team together, normally there will be naysayers who will take the side of the abuser, despite the instruction of Deuteronomy 22 –
If in the open country a man meets a young woman who is betrothed, and the man seizes her and lies with her, then only the man who lay with her shall die. But you shall do nothing to the young woman; she has committed no offense punishable by death. For this case is like that of a man attacking and murdering his neighbor…
Deuteronomy 22:25-26
You BELIEVE the woman. There were no witnesses to the abuse in this passage, and the LORD tells Israel in essence, “Believe the woman and hold the man accountable.” Even when a woman has evidence of unfaithfulness or abusive behavior, many people will question the veracity of her claims.
Doing Good
However, these elders wrapped their arms around Janice, believed her story, and sought to serve her needs while ministering to her abusive, pastor husband.
One elder said, “We told him if he did not accept our offer of treatment…that we would ask for his resignation.” In the end, the pastor failed to fulfill the requirements and was asked to resign.
“His sermons were filled with the need to hold onto God’s grace as the believer seeks restoration, forgiveness through restoration. Yet his pronouncements from the pulpit were contrary to his abusive behavior towards his spouse.”
Janice’s elder
As Janice’s elders, they took their shepherding responsibilities seriously, doing everything in their power to help her and seek accountability for their pastor:
They believed her. Janice said incredulously, “They believed me. They didn’t throw me out into the street with my kids.”
They listened to her concerns that if they told the congregation, she would be in danger emotionally, physically, and financially. So, to this day they have kept her secret for her safety though they have every right to report it to the church.
They provided rent for Janice and her children for several months.
They provided money for counseling for her and her children.
They provided a leave of absence for the pastor and encouraged him to get counseling.
When he refused their loving help, they held him accountable and required his resignation.
Read the Manual
Janice’s church leadership read the manual on caring for the abused!
Later, Janice moved to a community a distance away and her new church also took her family in and provided for Janice and her children’s counseling.
Two churches who understood abuse, helping the hurting, and holding the abuser accountable…despite her husband being a well-known and respected preacher. What a story!
These stories are few but they help us know from the survivor’s perspective what is most helpful rather than just what not to do. Our churches need to take heed:
Make it clear that the leaders are safe with whom to share these kinds of brokenness…and make sure they truly are safe. One friend of Janice’s brought charges of her husband’s (an elder in another church) infidelity and abuse to the church leadership and they excommunicated her for slander. Unfortunately, this is not uncommon.
Help the victim escape the violence whether emotional, physical, spiritual, or financial.
Seek ways to provide confidential counseling or support groups for targets of abuse.
God is Good
When asked what provided the most healing for her, Janice suggested the following:
She hung out in the Psalms. The psalmists speak deeply to the oppressed.
She focused on reading verses that promise that God sees and will take care of the downtrodden.
She said, “I am clinging to the verses about beauty from ashes.”
She remembers what Satan (and her ex) meant for evil, God can use for good.
She recommends Scott Sauls’ book, “A Gentle Answer.” Janice said, “When I wanted to respond with the intention of hurting him, there was so much in that book that spoke to my heart…that changed my heart. My daughters read it too and it greatly helped them.”
Janice fed on God’s deep and abiding love for her as His chosen child. She remembered that she is a daughter of the King!
She sought out the truth that God speaks, and ignored her abuser’s lies.
Janice also mentioned, “When I was in sin or in a horrible pattern, these two [elders] and their wives, and my Counselor held me accountable.”
Janice noted that she and her children (some still in the house and some grown) have many sweet times together now. When before they tended to do their own thing and hang out by themselves in their own rooms, they now get together and share their stories and what they are learning from their counseling sessions.
When Janice and I finished our conversation I asked her if she had anything more to say. She said, “I finally feel like I’m at a point now where sharing isn’t a form of revenge.”
She has come a long way in forgiving her ex-husband, though he remains unrepentant and has never asked for it. That forgiveness took much time and effort, but it has brought much peace to her life.
Janice hopes that her story can help someone. She explained, “Maybe I could be a listening ear…encourager.”
Every encounter with abuse is both common and unique. How abusers respond to the confrontation of those who love them enough to exhort and admonish them will depend on the depth of their self-absorption and psychopathy. Their idolatry of self.
Do you want to regain a relationship (reconciliation) with an abuser? Are you seeking to save your job or your marriage?
In this short blog, I would like to synthesize the wisdom of many who have worked with abusers and their targets.
This is a clarion call that the only way a relationship with an abuser will be saved is through his repentance.
And repentance comes from being held accountable through a consistent meting out of consequences for his abuse.
I have found that the experts consistently advise that abusers must face consequences for their abuse if they are to repent and be transformed.
Those who are in a position to bring consequences to abusers need to remember that though if feels “unloving” to drop the hammer, it is an act of loving discipline to help them see their sin and turn from it. Ben Marshall, a well-known abuse counselor, notes that Jesus used his most direct and accusatory communication with abusive authorities (Jn. 8:7, Matt. 9:36).
Jesus held the line.
Some Guidelines
Here are some guidelines regarding common mistakes that do the opposite of bringing accountability for the wickedness of abuse:
Marriage or Group Counseling:No one in an abusive marriage should be in joint counseling with their abuser.
It causes further trauma because the abuser uses it to control and manipulate both the target and the counselor. If the target makes note of any of the abuse they are suffering during a session, it is common that she will pay for it following the counseling.
Rather, the abuser needs to be in batterer’s counseling. He needs to be counseled by someone who has done the hard work of researching and learning about abuse. Abuse is not marital difficulties on steroids. It is a category unto itself.
Reconciliation: It can only come through very evident and long-standing repentance by the abuser.
The abuser must understand that the relationship is dependent upon his/her repentance. This must be clearly communicated by all who counsel him.
It is very important that, though the target may recognize her own sin and feel “unworthy” to call out the abuser’s sin, the broken relationship is due to the abuser’s sin, not the target’s. It is not the target’s responsibility to save the relationship. The responsibility rests squarely on the shoulders of the one who is oppressing his target.
This is different than normal familial, workplace, or neighborly discord. Often, in those case there are two that are “tangoing.” Both may be responsible for a part of the conflict and therefore, for reconciliation, both must repent and seek forgiveness.
Not so in cases of abuse. The survivor needs to continually tell herself, “This is not my fault…this is not my fault.”I understand this is antithetical to normal Christian thinking. But it is accurate to the situation.
An abuser’s repentance, including naming the sin and seeking forgiveness for it, must be clear and he must exhibit a transformed life for meaningful reconciliation to take place.
This does not mean the abuser does not fail at times. It does mean that he recognizes it and admits it readily and seeks forgiveness. But if even this is a continual pattern, it is time to get out of the trauma once again.
Counselors: If a counselor is pushing anything that does not bring accountability and consequence, get another counselor.
If the abuser is pushing and breaking the boundaries the target has set up to keep safe and bring healing graciously decline your counselor’s advice to come together. Counselors who do not understand abuse may suggest coming together much earlier than they should. The counselor may have been manipulated in their sessions with the abuser by the abuser’s seeming sorrow for sin.
But if the abuser has not shown evidence of repentance by holding to the boundaries set by their target for a significant amount of time, it is not time to enter into relationship again.
Counselors must understand the heart of an abuser in order to remain free from their manipulation and provide help and healing to the survivor.
Pastoral Advice:
As one pastor told me recently, counselors want to know and show their work is having an impact. They will seek to bring the abuser and his target together as soon as possible rather than waiting for clear evidence of repentance. They think this will show they are effective counselors.
Because of ego (belief in their own counseling abilities) or an over-confidence in God’s changing work, they may jump the gun by pushing reconciliation rather than waiting on true repentance.
Though it may be difficult to reject the guidance of a “man of the cloth,” remember that you are under God’s guidance first and foremost, not the pastor’s. Though God may have called him to shepherd, the pastor is weak and can be foolish just like all of God’s children. They do not perfectly counsel.
If long-term transformation is not evident in your abuser, reject a pastor’s counsel to reconcile. You know better than anyone if the abuser is repentant.
Marriage Conferences:
Marriage conferences are generally just another form of joint counseling. Though they may help the target work through her own issues – everyone has sin that must be put to death – the real problem in the marriage is the abuser’s oppression of his target. [see above]
Do not be manipulated to think it is your Christian duty to go to a conference. When the abuser has made long-lasting and evident changes in his behavior and thinking, it might be time for a marriage conference for further growth of the marriage.
But until the abuser is truly respecting his target’s boundaries and clearly admitting and sorrowful for their sin, a marriage conference is just another way for the abuser to manipulate and gain control.
Romantic getaways
The last thing an abuser needs for accountability is romance. He needs accountability and consequences to his actions. If a child kicks the dog, do you hand him an ice cream cone?
Hold the Line
I hope these guidelines are helpful as you consider when it is right to reconcile with an abuser. If you want to save your relationship, keep the cart after the horse. Be patient. Hold the line. Do not allow any breaking of boundaries. Keep him accountable.
Make sure your abuser understands he is no longer in control.
When I resigned from a toxic mission organization, I needed a friend. I had several, but Sam was an important one and he was there all along preparing me for the stand I needed to take.
I have seen the failure of the Church to respond well to abusive leadership in the home and office. At times I have wondered if one of our difficulties is an ignorance of God’s communication to his people.
In the history of the church, theologians have given names to two different means of communication God uses to speak to his creation: “Special” and “General.”
SPECIAL REVELATION
“Special Revelation” is that communication that is found in black and white on the pages of the Bible. Scriptures are a “lamp to our feet and a light to our path.” [Ps. 119:105] They are inerrant in their original writing and have been faithfully handed down through the millennia. [2 Tim. 3:16]
Normally, evangelicals consider the Bible foundational to how we interpret the world around us. If we have questions about what actions God has taken, His character, or what He requires of His people, we turn to the Bible for answers.
GENERAL REVELATION
“General Revelation” is not so clearly understood. We know about General Revelation from the Bible, in particular from Paul’s letter to the Romans. But it is not discussed with much clarity. In Romans, Paul says,
“His invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made.”
Romans 1:20
Evangelicals are much more “wary” of this communication from the Lord. However, God communicates through “the things that have been made.” He has spoken well enough through His creation that all people are “without excuse” for failing to “honor him as God or give thanks to him.” They are culpable for their rejection of His Lordship over their lives because, even though they may never read a Bible, they have his General Revelation in the created things around them to point them to His character and acts.
What Does God Communicate through General Revelation?
But exactly how and what has been conveighed to man through General Revelation? Paul says “his eternal power and divine nature” have been communicated but what exactly does that mean? And, what aspects of creation communicate these attributes?
As we consider all man has learned about the world around us, down to the itty-bitty elements of the living cell, it seems apparent that God’s creative, life-giving work is there for all men to see. He has displayed the building blocks of His ordered creation as we peer into the recesses of nature. Those discoveries of His creative works seem to be coming at faster-than-light-speed in the past two hundred years.
This look at creation under the magnifying glass also shows us the brokenness of the creation and gives guidance on how to bring healing and help to those who are physically broken. As the specializations in science, including psychology, continue to “specialize” with the piling up of information regarding the human body, we know more and more how the fall has broken us in an area the Bible gives little information.
Special Revelation tells us that man brought overwhelming brokenness to a beautifully and perfectly created world through his rebellion in the garden many eons ago (Genesis 3). Every aspect of creation – spiritual and physical – has been broken by that original sin in the garden. Paul says that the whole world around us “groans” awaiting to be renewed.
It is General Revelation that shows us that we can work to redeem the physical brokenness we live with every day of our lives.
Special Revelation gives us the guidance we need to understand the spiritual brokenness of our world – how our relationship to the Creator can be fixed through Jesus’ blood and righteousness – but General Revelation gives us understanding of the physical brokenness of this world. Of course, our interpretation of General Revelation fails at times just as it does of the Word of God (Special Revelation).
Our original sin affects everything.
Understanding Physical Brokenness
But we would never say to an individual who suffers from physical handicaps that they just need to pray and read their Bible more so they can grow out of it. This is an obvious misuse of Special Revelation. We use the wisdom gained by God’s image-bearers, after observing God’s General Revelation of the physical brokenness, to diagnose and prescribe ways of working with the special needs of that person.
Though the church’s understanding of scripture has grown and developed in some ways over the centuries since its writing, man’s understanding of General Revelation has made extraordinary strides, particularly in the past two hundred years.
General Revelation has made it possible to send men to the moon. General Revelation has made it possible to better understand what is happening in the brain of someone “clinically” depressed or suffering from OCD. General Revelation has made it possible to give someone a new heart. And General Revelation helps us understand the effects of trauma on the person.
Special Revelation does not provide those things.
It is really quite extraordinary how those who have been created to be creative and to seek a redeemed world have figured so many things out. Even those who have no interest in glorifying God in their discoveries are serving God’s redemptive plan (much like Pharaoh and the Exodus).
So, as we seek to reach and minister to a world that is deeply broken by the original sin, we cannot ignore God’s General Revelation that tells us much about man. It can help us know how man responds to horrible events like emotional, spiritual, and physical abuse. We can learn more and more by observing God’s General Revelation how to help those suffering from trauma.
REVELATION of Trauma
How do we bring Special and General Revelation together to minister to survivors of abusive leaders? God’s Special Revelation tells us that Jesus considers the trauma of a broken world as He ministers to His creation:
Behold my servant, whom I uphold, my chosen, in whom my soul delights; I have put my Spirit upon him; he will bring forth justice to the nations. He will not cry aloud or lift up his voice, or make it heard in the street; a bruised reed he will not break, and a faintly burning wick he will not quench; he will faithfully bring forth justice.
Isaiah 42:1-3 (ESV)
He handles broken people carefully. He does not snap the bruised stick. He seeks to heal it. He does not quench a small ember but patiently brings it back to full flame. He looks out for the downtrodden.
The affects that minimizing, discouraging, criticizing, and shaming have on people has been studied carefully by neurologists. It actually changes the brain.[2] The sin of others break us. We need to listen to God’s image-bearers who are seeking the redemption of the body. They have learned much about the body that the Bible (Special Revelation) does not tell us but the Lord has told us in General Revelation.
Healing the Through Talk
Scientists have determined that the process for healing those broken neurological pathways is a long and slow process.[2] It involves talking about the event and pain caused by it without others judging your biblical accuracy or lack of willingness to forgive and forget. Healing comes when it seems that the survivor of traumatic events has talked about it from every angle and has worn their listeners out listening to the same things over and over.
I have heard God’s people express frustration at the things an abuse survivor says about God and her seeming lack of forgiveness of the abuser. They are so caught up in the errors of her words that they forget the lessons of Job’s counselors. His well-meaning counselors wanted to clear up his thinking and in the end were required to make a sacrifice for their sin of judging Job in the midst of his incredible suffering.
Rather than listening and comforting, Job’s counselors were determined to critique his thinking.
If we wish to love survivors of abuse, we will listen and seek to empathize. In time, it will bring about the “peaceful fruit of righteousness.” [Heb. 12:11] But we need to trust that God is at work in them and through his General Revelation as scientists seek to understand how abusers traumatize their targets.
We are “fearfully and wonderfully made.” [Ps. 139:14] And that is a revelation.
Book by Editor of P&S
Kelly Dehnert, Editor of Pearls and Swine, has written a book about his family’s life in Africa as missionaries. The book provides helpful insights to engaging other cultures.
What others say about the book:
[To Africa On a Lark] is extremely readable, with an easy to follow flow. The stories are quite engaging…The overall theme of cross-cultural adjustment, with the “razor” image, comes through clearly. I hope that many will read, enjoy, and benefit from your engaging string of accounts.
J. Nelson Jennings, PhD – Editor, Global Missiology – English
Notes:
[1] The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk MD. 1st ed. New York: Penguin Books, 2014. [Get on Amazon]
[2] Suffering and the Heart of God by Diana Langberg [Get on Amazon]
