Recently, a survivor of domestic violence shared an apology letter her abuser had written to her. It sounded pretty good.
But, as most who have dealt with an abuser, she was not taken in by the carefully chosen sweet words.
In 1st Samuel 26 we see a false apology by King Saul.
Then Saul said, “I have sinned. Return, my son David, for I will no more do you harm, because my life was precious in your eyes this day. Behold, I have acted foolishly, and have made a great mistake.”
1 Samuel 26:21
Saul had been chasing David seeking to kill him. In this passage, David has snuck up on King Saul, giving David the opportunity to end the chase by killing Saul. But rather than killing Saul, he gave him opportunity to repent of his evil.
Saul seems deeply moved by David’s grace and admits he acted foolishly.
Sounds good, but it is a much harder thing to say, “I envied you, David. I had hatred in my heart for you. I desired your death.”
Each of the italicized words are heart words. They are the spring from which grow the evil fruit we all produce. These come from the heart; and what I mean by heart is the whole of the inner man—cognitive and emotive.
But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person. For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander.
Matthew 15:18-19 (ESV)
Out of the depths of man come the evil we act upon.
So, when an apology is made for actions that have crushed others, it is appropriate for the apology to give attention to from where that evil action came. “I was chasing you, David because I was envious and hateful.”
“I was harsh with my Assistant Pastor because I envied his skills.”
The Difficulty of Real Apologies
The reason we don’t hear real apologies is because it is very hard to give them.
To bring our inner evil to light just takes too much humility and self-awareness. Imagine an abusive leader whose entitlement and power is so much of their substance and identity; how can they humbly admit to such wickedness?
It is difficult for the average Joe. Just imagine how difficult it is for the one who is so unwilling to dive deeply into his own heart and air out the stench contained there.
It is interesting, as you read on in 1st Samuel; David is not taken in by Saul’s apology. The text goes on to record David’s thoughts:
“Now I shall perish one day by the hand of Saul. There is nothing better for me than that I should escape to the land of the Philistines.”
1 Samuel 27:1
There is more than one place where David shows his insight to Saul’s wickedness. I wrote earlier about how Jonathan—Saul’s son—was taken in by Saul’s apologies. But David is not.
What Are We to Do?
There is One Who is omniscient—the Lord God Almighty. He knows the heart—the whole inner being of man—and He knows whether or not an apology is truly from the heart.
Because of that, we must not make judgments beyond what is clearly evident. Though we make judgments of the heart on a regular basis—our laws are in part based on them (1st degree murder as opposed to manslaughter) —it is something we must do carefully and with good evidence in hand. Yes, we can logically assume when someone does great evil, that since great evil comes out of the heart, there is great evil intended.
Yet, because there can be unintended evil actions and therefore, not coming from evil intent, we cannot ultimately be perfect judges of inner character. We are not omniscient and do not fully see the inner man.
Give it Time
Therefore I recommend the following perspectives to those who have received apologies from their toxic leader:
- It might be true,
- or it might be false,
- we are not omniscient,
- so it does not change anything,
- and to know the answer to 1) or 2) it takes time for the fruit of repentance to be evident.
Numbers one, two, and three are obvious; it is only God who knows the heart and so we cannot ultimately—in this life—know if an apology is truly true or not. Though Scripture makes clear that Christians may make some judgments based on the outward works of others (Matt. 12:33-37), it also makes clear we must be very, very careful doing so (Jam. 4:12).
We must not claim omniscience.
So, an apology initially does not really change anything.
We do not know for certain that the abusive individual is truly confessing his sin or simply trying to manipulate his victims, those to whom they are accountable, and/or onlookers. So, we must continue to press forward with what we believe the LORD is calling us to do in the meantime.
Leaders should not be placed back on their platform until their apparent repentance becomes true repentance. That takes time; so give it time.
Because we do not know the heart of the abuser, and we have suffered great harm, it is acting responsibly to be wary of their confession. It is certainly reasonable to accept it as given, while unnecessary to proclaim they have repented and place ourselves under their control prematurally.
Get to a safe place, and give it time for the fruit of repentance to be evident—or not.