Monthly Archives: December 2023

What’s In a Title?

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This blog is written for people like me.

The Lord gives us all spheres of influence. Family. Friends. Work. Church. Organizations.

And, as a result of the Fall of man into sin, we have an ego to match.

We want the respect of people. At least some of us do. We want to know we are needed. Our insecurities can drive us to new heights of self-defense. Often that defense is in putting on a good show—making our outward image as squeaky clean as possible for the watching world, while rotting away inside.

We see this in Jesus’ critique of the scribes and Pharisees.

“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people’s bones and all uncleanness. 28 So you also outwardly appear righteous to others, but within you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness.”

Matthew 23:27-28 (ESV)

One of the ways that a toxic leader can be identified is by simply observing those self-defense mechanisms – how hard is he or she trying to keep up an image?

And at times, one of those mechanisms is found in their rabid hold on titles.

I was raised in a family that was very keyed into college degrees. In general, I would suggest the drive was not so much for egotistical purposes but from the belief that it was the means for being the best person you could be.

However, those degrees can become a foundation for arrogance and in the end toxic leadership that feeds on them.

Jesus said to the crowds and to his disciples,

“The scribes and the Pharisees sit on Moses’ seat, 3 so do and observe whatever they tell you, but not the works they do. For they preach, but do not practice. 4 They tie up heavy burdens, hard to bear, and lay them on people’s shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to move them with their finger. 5 They do all their deeds to be seen by others. For they make their phylacteries broad and their fringes long, 6 and they love the place of honor at feasts and the best seats in the synagogues 7 and greetings in the marketplaces and being called rabbi by others. 8 But you are not to be called rabbi, for you have one teacher, and you are all brothers. 9 And call no man your father on earth, for you have one Father, who is in heaven. 10 Neither be called instructors, for you have one instructor, the Christ. 11 The greatest among you shall be your servant. 12 Whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted.

Matthew 23:2-12 (ESV)

There are several criticisms that Jesus has for the scribes and the Pharisees:

  • Hypocricy

They say one thing and do another Jesus says. “They preach, but do not practice.” This is true of all people. It is why Jesus died . . . to save sinners like us. However, the Pharisees were unrepentant hypocrites on steroids.

  • Legalism

The Pharisees expected others to follow all their unbiblical or additional rules for godly living but did not practice those rules themselves. Just the laying these burdens on others was wicked. But, the hypocricy of failing to practice the rules themselves was double the evil.

  • Keeping Up the Image

They looked good. They put on the clothing of importance. You see, that’s the easy part. It takes little trouble to look good on the outside, throwing on a nice looking uniform, tie, and saying nice things to others (in the presence of others).

But note the motive – “To be seen by others.” Not to serve Christ. Not to love neighbor. But to be “seen” as good or important.

  • Titles

The “Rabbi” was an important and respected position in their community. Strong’s Dictionary says this title means, “my great one, my honourable sir.” or “Master.” Wow.

Pretty big deal.

Titles are Important, But . . .

Titles are helpful for a couple different reasons:

  • They establish lines of authority. With titles we know who is in charge in the organization. It provides a job description.
  • And, they help us know the amount of training an individual has had in a particular area of expertise.

Those reasons are good reasons. Fine. Useful.

However, what Jesus gets at in his scathing criticism of the Pharisees from which we want to learn is that motive matters. The heart matters.

Why do I want to be called Dr.? Why do I desire my subordinates to call me Mr. or CEO? Why does it make me uncomfortable when a parishoner doesn’t call me Pastor?

What is driving my need to sit in a particular seat at the table?

A Little Story

When my family was working for a mission in Africa, my wife was invited along with several other women with the mission to a seminar presented by a diplomat’s wife. The seminar was on social etiquette. Having put on numerous state dinners and the like, this woman presented a variety of things that are expected of those hosting important people.

It included how the host should seat people at the table for dinner. Who is on the right hand of the host, who at the end of the table, etc.

My wife and her fellow missionaries were rather amused by it all. However, our mission Director’s wife took it all in. When we were invited to their home for dinner along with the U.S. Ambassador to the country, she sat us according to these etiquette rules.

After the Director’s wife sat us, the Ambassador said, “I see you know the correct etiquette.”

Jesus’ words about seeking the head of the table and desiring to be noticed and held up as important came flooding to my mind.

As it turned out, image, place of importance, titles . . . all of that, was very important to our mission leaders. And they were toxic.

Do We Reject Titles?

The question for us is do we reject titles all together? It should be apparent that titles themselves are not wrong. It is what lurks underneath that we must consider and of which to be aware.

Why do I want others to know my title? Is it driven by ego? Or is it to provide context for my work that others know my qualifications.

Is it to run roughshod over those under my authority in the church, organization, business, or home? Or is it to clarify my position in the organization as a servant to my subordinates? And then seek to live up to the title with integrity and good character?

The answer to those questions will largely determine yours and my own toxicity. Beware. Writing this has given me an opportunity to take a bit of a dive into my heart.

I hope that it will be helpful to your heart transformation as you seek to be a godly influence in the spheres God has given you.

Lazarus Must Die: When Image Control Takes No Prisoners

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Jesus miraculously raised his friend named Lazarus from the dead.

Because of that increadible feat, many began to follow Him. And those in power, the chief priests and Pharisees, could not allow their control and authority to slip away.

Jesus had consistently challenged these religious-political leaders of his day. They were abusive leaders, using Scripture and their positions of authority to crush and oppress others rather than as good shepherds (Ezekiel 34).

Their power was slipping with each man, woman, or child who dared follow Jesus, rejecting their false teaching.

So, they had to get rid of the problem. After all they had their image to protect.

Of course, they planned and plotted to destroy Jesus . . . both physically and in carefully worded debates (Luke 20:19-20).

The Tactics

One of the more common tactics for abusive leaders is to destroy, justify, or coverup the evidence of the light that is shown on their abuse.

They sought to kill Lazarus. Destroy the evidence of Jesus’ truth and light and beauty.

“When the large crowd of the Jews learned that Jesus was there, they came, not only on account of him but also to see Lazarus, whom he had raised from the dead. 10 So the chief priests made plans to put Lazarus to death as well, 11 because on account of him many of the Jews were going away and believing in Jesus.”

John 12:9-11 (ESV)

Maybe it is physical evidence that makes them look bad and their victim good that needs to be destroyed? Emails, letters, recordings, or worse yet, witnesses. One missionary told me that his ministry leader rarely communicated on email. When accused of his abusive leadership, it was a “he said, she said” argument. No one had any evidence.

Maybe it is explaining away the evidence? “I didn’t really mean that. I would never have said that. It is out of context.” I watched as one mission director told his subordinate he “would never say such a thing.” The subordinate looked like the crazy one in the conversation.

Or maybe it is finding a way to discredit the evidence by shifting the focus? “He is taking it too personally. She isn’t submissive enough to authority. He has a spirit of division. She just has an attitude problem.” I have been amazed by how often a leadership team has, rather than investigate and consider carefully the reports of abusive leadership, turned on the whisteblower and resorted to name-calling. I was even complicit with a toxic leader at one time, suggesting those who were struggling with the leader were just “hard to get along with.”

Whatever tactic it may be, Lazarus must die that their image remains intact.

DARVO

Common tactics for those who abuse their authority include DARVO. These are effective means for keeping the main thing (report of abuse) NOT the main thing.

  • Deny,
  • Attack,
  • and Reverse Victim and Offender

Your Guilt Remains: Repentance Means Seeing

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Jesus healed a man on the Sabbath. That was a no-no for the Pharisees.

John 9 tells us about this man who was born blind. His age is unknown but according to commentaries, being “of age,” as the text notes, means he was at least 13 years old. He definitely seems older, but we cannot know.

There are many fascinating things about the exchanges that happen between the Pharisees, parents of the man, and the man himself at which you really should look. [Aaron Hann looks more closely in his blog about the spiritual abuse that happens in the story and it can be found here.]

But for our purposes I want to look at the end of the story.

We See

John tells us,

Jesus heard that they had cast him out, and having found him he said, “Do you believe in the Son of Man?” 36 He answered, “And who is he, sir, that I may believe in him?” 37 Jesus said to him, “You have seen him, and it is he who is speaking to you.” 38 He said, “Lord, I believe,” and he worshiped him. 39 Jesus said, “For judgment I came into this world, that those who do not see may see, and those who see may become blind.” 40 Some of the Pharisees near him heard these things, and said to him, “Are we also blind?” 41 Jesus said to them, “If you were blind, you would have no guilt; but now that you say, ‘We see,’ your guilt remains.

John 9:35-41 (ESV)

The man had been excommunicated from the synagogue (cast out) because he had the audacity to be healed on the Sabbath and stand up to the Pharisees’ abusive behavior to both him and his parents.

Notice the exchange between Jesus and the Pharisees at the end of the passage quoted above. The Pharisees are mocking Jesus. You can hear their indignant tone of voice in their question, “Are we also blind?” Throughout the story, it is apparent they have no interest in actually knowing the truth.

They are in fact very blind.

However, Jesus’ response is very helpful in challenging the false repentance of abusive people and to the abusers themselves if they would have eyes to see.

Repentance involves seeing your own sin. There must be self-awareness. There must be humility.

Unfortunately, the abusive individuals I have known are not any of those things. Sure, they can put on an act of self-awareness, talking about grace and their need for it in a general sense. But, ultimately they fail to grasp or be willing to admit their sin and the depths of their depravity that reaches to their heart in any specific way.

But because they say, “We see,” their guilt remains.

They think they know their hearts—shifting blame, justifying their attitudes and actions—but their hearts are deceitful beyond all understanding.

The heart is deceitful above all things,
and desperately sick;
who can understand it?

Jeremiah 17:9 (ESV)

But they refuse to acknowledge it. Instead they assign the blame to their victim, to the whistleblower, to their parents (whose dysfunction made them do it), or to their personality disorders.

If Only

If only they would seek the Lord . . . truly. If only they would ask Him to open their eyes to their own shame. If only they would humbly seek to know their own hearts.

Ah, the forgiveness and grace that would flow from the hands and heart of the Lord if they would just turn to Him fully, broken and knowing their need.

. . . and in turn, they would love God and neighbor as the Holy Spirit leads.

But . . . for now, their guilt remains.