Monthly Archives: November 2018

Not As Things Ought to Be: Grieving Our Loss

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Olivia had been abused emotionally by her husband for more than 30 years. She finally got free.

She was living in her new-found freedom when he showed up once again, having been gone for over a year. He was getting more and more aggressive as he sought to gain entrance to her life once again.

Olivia sought a “protection order” against him. The judge was extraordinary. The order went into place without much of a battle. Leaving the courtroom following the hearing each of us, who accompanied Olivia, were rejoicing in God’s kindness.

On the other hand, Olivia was crying. I asked her if she was okay. I fully expected her to say, “I am crying in joy. I am so glad it is over.“

Rather, she said, “It is so sad.“

She was deeply saddened that her marriage had come to this. Despite being free from the suffering under his abuse, she was grieving the loss of her marriage.

Not the Way It’s Supposed to Be

We left our mission in Africa 12 years ago. We have grieved the loss of our life and work there. We had a good life. We loved our work and found great satisfaction in what God was doing in and through us. We felt we had grown in our eight years of life there more than in all our years prior put together.

Because the founders and director of the mission were toxic, abusive of the authority God had given them, we lost our jobs, home, and friends.

We rejoiced to be out of that mission, yet we have grieved these losses. It is certainly not as bad as a dear friend or family member dying, but it is grief nonetheless.

Our losses are real. I remember a friend explainging to me that death is not “the way it ought to be,” therefore, we grieve when someone we love dies. Though it is a normal part of life, it is not what Adam and Eve experienced before sin entered their world, nor what we will experience once Jesus Christ comes again in glory.

These losses are not the way it is supposed to be. It is a normal part of our broken world, but it is not how it was or will be.

Grieving the Loss

How do we grieve these losses in a way that is healing?

I would first suggest, as I have suggested over and over in these pages, that we find safe places to share the loss. We need people who will listen without judgement. Find them and let it out.

Secondly, do not retreat from, but seek the Lord…for He will be found. Some of us may feel at times the Lord abandoned us in the midst of our suffering. But, it is not true.

God’s primary goal is to show us our dependency on Him.

From the very beginning, man was dependent on Him. He made us and gave us what we needed. We were to always recognize we depend on Him for everything. I am thankful that my children, who saw the brokenness of the church firsthand in the leaders who abused their authority in our mission, remain connected to God’s people (the church) and consistent worship. It is easy to throw up our hands and slide away from the “means of grace” found in the church body.

He has not abandoned you ever. But, he is certainly helping you see your dependence on Him. So, turn to Him…over and over. Depend on Him.

Finally, some may seek to give us pat answers like, “God is good and you just have to trust him.” Or maybe, “God is sovereign and he wants to teach you something.“

Usually, grieving people just need someone to listen. But, I would encourage you to listen to that well-meaning friend, consider the truthfulness, not the insensitivity of it. David prayed, after seeking the destruction of his abusers,

With my mouth I will give great thanks to the Lord;
I will praise him in the midst of the throng.
For he stands at the right hand of the needy one,
to save him from those who condemn his soul to death.

Psalm 109:30-31 (ESV)

He leaned heavily on the Lord. He knew his dependency. Others may be unwilling to listen, but they may point us to this good and sovereign God whom we need deeply.

I pray regularly for toxic leaders to be stopped. And I pray regularly for those who have been traumatized by them to be healed. To find the peace of His presence and care. And that they may find greater and more fulfilling dependence on the Lord of the Universe.

Leadership: Dawning Like Morning Light

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There is only one Jesus . . . but God has given us some marvelous examples in the lives of godly people.

Each has failed.

But, each can teach us some really great stuff. King David is one of those. You will see his name in my writings quite a lot because he provides examples of failure, humility, and good leadership.

There is no sugar-coating David any more than anyone else found in the pages of scripture:

  • Murderer
  • Adulterer
  • Anger
  • Prideful

Sounds familier. But, he was also a learner. See what he learned:

The God of Israel has spoken;
the Rock of Israel has said to me:
When one rules justly over men,
ruling in the fear of God,
he dawns on them like the morning light,
like the sun shining forth on a cloudless morning,
like rain that makes grass to sprout from the earth.

[David’s song in 2 Samuel 23:3-4 (ESV)]

Oh, that all leaders in this broken world had this view.

The way you, as a leader, are going to be welcomed like a beautiful morning by your subordinates is by being controlled by Christ. Do you want them to brighten as you walk into your office in the morning? They will only if you fear God.

God has not given us leadership to rule by intimidation, but to be just. We do not have authority to trounce or bounce (as Tigger) on those who work under our authority.

Just and fearing God means:

  • I recognize my own sin first and foremost: Matthew 7:1-5
  • I do not expect more from my subordinates than God has given them ability to do.
  • If I want them to do more or better, I mentor them in such a way as to help them do more or better.
  • I do not intimidate.
  • I do not threaten.
  • I pay them a just, maybe even overly generous, wage.
  • I provide necessary care for their family…whether it be medical or spiritual or economical.
  • And every time I fail at these and other principles of good leadership, I admit it and I seek forgiveness from God and from those I failed.

Because you will fail.

David faced the typical leadership problems and he failed. His own son, Absalom, rebelled against him. But, his followers were loyal in ways that can only be explained by him being a man after God’s own heart.

A beautiful story is told in 2nd Samuel:

And David said longingly, “Oh, that someone would give me water to drink from the well of Bethlehem that is by the gate!” Then the three mighty men broke through the camp of the Philistines and drew water out of the well of Bethlehem that was by the gate and carried and brought it to David. But he would not drink of it. He poured it out to the Lord and said, “Far be it from me, O Lord, that I should do this. Shall I drink the blood of the men who went at the risk of their lives?” Therefore he would not drink it. These things the three mighty men did.

[2 Samuel 23:15-17 (ESV)]

We might think David slapped his men in the face by refusing to drink the water. But, the whole story points to the respect shown both to his men by David and his men to him.

They were willing to risk their lives so that David would have the encouragement that the land promised to Israel would be returned. David pours out the water “to the Lord.” His actions are because he fears the Lord and respects his men.

You do not get the sense in David’s story that his men did what they did because they were afraid of their king, but because he was ultimately respectable and they would follow him to their graves if necessary. They wanted to serve him.

He earned their respect by caring for them.

The story is told in 2nd Samuel of David being tempted to take a census of the people. His sin in taking the census leads to the destruction of many in Israel, a discipline the Lord intended for his rebellious people [2 Samual 24:1]. David cries out to the Lord arguing that it was his own sin that caused the problem. “Don’t punish them!”

David cared for the people. He did not want them suffering for his sin. He did not push his problem off on them. He did not shift the blame.

And he even had the humility to respond to their criticisms unlike so many abusive leaders. [1 Chronicles 21:3, 2 Samuel 12] His men even took the risk of criticizing him, pointing to a man who is humbled by his fear of God.

When one rules justly over men, ruling in the fear of God, he dawns on them like the morning light . . .