Gentleness & Believability: Philippians 4

Let your gentleness be known to everyone. What extraordinary advice for those who want to be believed as they report abuse.

I sat in the plush CEO’s office of a Christian mission organization. A friend had known the mission leader since their parents had worked together on the field when they were children. As she and the mission leader worked together as adults, they had been battling for some time and she wanted to have witnesses to her conversation with him about their disagreement.

We were happy to join her though a bit suspicious of her reading of the situation. We knew the president as a charming and responsive leader. We were somewhat new to the organization, and new to abusive leadership, but the President had supported our work and welcomed us into his home on multiple occasions.

The meeting was intense. He calmly disagreed with her analysis of their conflict and periodically suggested, “I didn’t say that Margaret.” At least once he explained, “I wouldn’t have said that.” On the other hand, Margaret was near raving mad and was coming unglued.

We thought her to be unreasonable and likely responsible for their war.

This is not unlike many survivor’s stories of reporting their abuse to church or organizational authorities. The trauma and deep wounds caused by abuse and the great need to be free from it can drive a person, what some would say, almost insane. On the other hand, as the abusive individual shares his “side” of the story, he is calm and reasoning and just as charming as ever. In the process, many do not believe the victim as she shares her story as the abuser reasonably and calmly outright denies any responsibility.

It wasn’t until several years later that we found out the truth. Indeed, the mission leader had been lying to Margaret. He had been creating all sorts of problems for her.

Philippians 4 & Reporting

As I read Philippians 4, I see an aid to the whistleblower that may be helpful for those caught in these situations: Be gentle and be calm. Take a deep breath.

Mighty big words when you have faced abuse at home or in the marketplace. It is most certainly antithetical to what nearly all survivors are experiencing when they report their incredible hurt. And, in fact, the lack of calmness and gentleness is often a sign that abuse has taken place to those who understand abuse and its affects.

Unfortunately, most people do not get abuse. All they see is some crazy person sitting across from them.

To be calm and gentle, move on to what Paul continues to say in verses 8 and following:

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

Philippians 4:8

Think about true and honorable things. Whatever is lovely. Only that which is worthy of praise. Read Psalm 27. Remember the Gospel. Jesus came for the oppressed and downtrodden [Isaiah 61]. He seeks out the hurting and troubled. He cares for the weak and mistreated.

Jesus is on your side.

Pray for calmness and gentleness. Paul says, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” Ask Him to work in you before you step into that office knowing that there is no need to be anxious when you are in the Father’s loving arms.

Recently, I was speaking with a woman who had been abused for many years by her husband. She was wanting her children’s court appointed advocate to understand the impact it had had on her children. She was almost frantic to get the advocate to understand. She was thinking feverishly how to get him to understand. It was in that moment that I realized the need for survivors to come at that task with clarity and calmness…because others just don’t understand and they will be thinking the same things I thought with my friend, Margaret. “She’s unglued!”

The survivor of toxic leadership in home and workplace has every reason to be frantic and confused and frustrated. It is very unfortunate that few people understand that. But gentleness may help make the reporting of it more receivable.

Remember Jesus’ words as he prepared to be taken to the cross:

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.”

John 14:27 (ESV)

Stories of Africa

“My family of six arrived in Malawi, Africa in August of 2003 to a wonderfully hospitable group of fellow missionaries. I was not really prepared for what awaited us. Our family  had not done any significant homework on Malawian life but were nonetheless excited to get started with it.“

As I read at times, I felt I was reading the travel log of a missionary tourist, the insights of a musical theorist, the confessions of a cultural imperialist, the wisdom of a cross-cultural missiologist, and the reflections of journalist investigating a mystery cult. [Dehnert] presents a childlike wonder as he speaks about strange and stranger things in a strange and beautiful land. It was great how he expressed his fears, weaknesses, and misconceptions as part of the path to a gradual awakening. Dehnert didn’t go to Malawi with an agenda and he loves people; I think that enabled him to learn so much. In the end the book comes across like a fun travel documentary with some sage-like wisdom thrown in.

Rev. Jay Stoms  
Missionary with National Christian Foundation
Stellenbosch, South Africa

Psalm 27: Hope & Healing for the Abused

As I sat down a couple of mornings ago to read God’s Word and consider His mindfulness of me, I was led to Psalm 27 by a lovely little devotional called, “Jesus Calling.”

The Psalm leapt out of the pages at me, not because I presently feel abused, but because there is a certain coldness in my devotion from which I desire to shake free. I was struck by King David’s insight to abuse and my own needs of the moment.

The LORD is my light and my salvation;
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life;
of whom shall I be afraid?
2 When evildoers assail me
to eat up my flesh,
my adversaries and foes,
it is they who stumble and fall.
3 Though an army encamp against me,
my heart shall not fear;
though war arise against me,
yet I will be confident.
4 One thing have I asked of the LORD,
that will I seek after:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
and to inquire in his temple.
5 For he will hide me in his shelter
in the day of trouble;
he will conceal me under the cover of his tent;
he will lift me high upon a rock.

Psalm 27 (ESV)

Go on and read the rest (at the end of this blog). But I want to point out something that deeply affected me:

I want . . . I need to abide in Jesus Christ in all my ways and in all my days. I want to “dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life.” In all the struggles of living under toxic leadership or abusive relationships. In all the broken relationships that are a result of it when others don’t see the toxins and don’t get it. All the deep hurt and trauma it has created . . .

I just want to abide in Jesus. To know “He will hide me in his shelter in the day of trouble. He will conceal me!”

What promise and hope for the Christian.

Enjoy the rest of the Psalm:

6 And now my head shall be lifted up
above my enemies all around me,
and I will offer in his tent
sacrifices with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make melody to the LORD.
7 Hear, O LORD, when I cry aloud;
be gracious to me and answer me!
8 You have said, “Seek my face.”
My heart says to you,
“Your face, LORD, do I seek.”
9 Hide not your face from me.
Turn not your servant away in anger,
O you who have been my help.
Cast me not off; forsake me not,
O God of my salvation!
10 For my father and my mother have forsaken me,
but the LORD will take me in.
11 Teach me your way, O LORD,
and lead me on a level path
because of my enemies.
12 Give me not up to the will of my adversaries;
for false witnesses have risen against me,
and they breathe out violence.
13 I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living!
14 Wait for the LORD;
be strong, and let your heart take courage;
wait for the LORD!


Stories of Africa

Kelly Dehnert, Editor of Pearls and Swine, has written a book about his family’s life in Africa as missionaries. The book provides helpful insights to engaging other cultures.

This well written, interesting book is a fantastic training text for missionary appointees, and I hope some of my SIM.org recruiter friends will read it and use it.  It would be very helpful  for new missionaries. TO AFRICA ON A LARK is must read material.  

Cordell Loken
Retired career missionary radio engineer at ELWA, Monrovia, Liberia.

Wild Grapes: God’s Judgment on Power & Oppression

People were created to love God and neighbor. They were created to care for and keep the world [Genesis 2:15]. To create flourishing.

They were not created to sow power and reap abuse.

Imagine for a moment that you have purchased a vineyard. You tenderly care for the vines, providing ample water each week, making sure it goes a foot deep into the rich soil. You daily walk through the rows pulling weeds and watching for nasty pests. You fertilize it and prune it yearly to remove all growth except new 1-year-old fruiting canes and renewal spurs.

But then, you discover the grapes are smaller and less sweet than you had expected. They are more prone to disease. They are “wild” grapes.

You did everything to care for the vineyard but the grapes have gone their own way.

God’s Wild Grapes

Apparently, in Isaiah’s time, God’s people had done the same.

God, the one true God, who created all things, is perfectly just and righteous. He is loving in all His ways. He is extraordinarily merciful to a broken people. Despite seeing His love and care, watering and pruning in the lives of His people, they have been more interested in joining “house to house” and adding “field to field” as the prophet Isaiah said of the wild grapes [Isaiah 5:1-10].

The picture Isaiah paints is of a greedy and oppressive people who are more concerned about their wealth than the care of their fellow man. If you ever wanted to know where our anti-monopoly laws come from, you need look no further than Isaiah’s prophetic witness.

However, this picture does not stop with monopolies. Isaiah is presenting a broader principle that cuts to heart of American Christian culture: power and oppression. We are a deeply broken people in the West where fame, fortune, and building at all costs rules so many of our decisions and is used as a means to oppress rather than bless. Consider how we protest a corporation who operates in a way we think is morally repugnant. We boycott. We shoot for the pocketbook. We know money makes the world go ’round.

Because we know that to get to the heart, you go to the bank.

Because people are more concerned about power and comforts than anything else. As long as the stock market is doing well . . . we are doing well. As long as the church’s image is larger than life . . . we are doing well.

The ends justify the means.

But God says there will be a reckoning. Isaiah goes on to say,

The LORD of hosts has sworn in my hearing:
“Surely many houses shall be desolate,
large and beautiful houses, without inhabitant.
For ten acres of vineyard shall yield but one bath,
and a homer of seed shall yield but an ephah.”

Isaiah 5:9-10

God told Israel (and Judah) He would take away the very thing they were so driven to attain: wealth and power. All those houses they built for themselves, after taking everyone else’s land, will end up empty. The land they invested in, taking it from all the “little guys,” would produce very little fruit.

The oppression they practiced would come back on them. 

and Toxic Leadership?

It is in the context of grabbing after wealth and power that the toxic leader rises up and survives in our power and image-driven world. If the expectations of followers is that there be much cake, then the leader is driven by such demands. If a leader shows an accute ability to build the image of the church, the members greedily hang on his every word.

It does not matter if he is a liar or a sexual predator, or any other kind of toxic personality. If he creates something we can take pride in or supports our priority projects, we are good to go and will support him.

And I am not talking about the government or secular workplace. This is the church.

But if God’s people expect love and care for all of God’s creation, there is more likely to be a use of our resources for care and concern by those in leadership. There is more likely to be a use of power for care and concern. If Christian organizations hold leaders accountable, power becomes the means by which those organizations and churches take care of people. And that power is held very loosely remembering that the first will be last.

Money, social presence, and power are only tools. And they are not to be tools used for an individual’s pathological self-love.

Not at all.

Zero.

and he looked for justice,
but behold, bloodshed;
for righteousness,
but behold, an outcry!

Isaiah 5:7

We all need to evaluate what we look for in leaders and those of us who are leaders, consider the cost of self-love.

Only the humility found in the Gospel can save us.

The Fall of Empires and the Narcissist

While researching and writing about toxic leadership over the last few years, I have often shared with anyone who would listen, “Toxic Leadership never ends well.” It is a disappointing and well-worn lesson.

As we watch current events unfold we are seeing the results of narcissism in bold and deeply disturbing colors. The short-term positive gains by a toxic leader, I would suggest, can never overcome the long-term devastation caused by their focus on self and the devaluation of people and relationships.

Scripture teaches this and life lived shows it.

Below is a portion of my research from a few years ago about narcissism.

Who Was Narcissist?

Langberg explains the name, “Narcissist” comes from the Greek mythological story of a young, handsome youth who had a “heart that was inaccessible to love.”[1]

One of his “rejected lovers” prayed that he be punished for his “lack of empathy.”[2] Nemesis, the god of retribution to whom she prayed, “caused Narcissist to see his reflection in the water and fall completely in love with himself.”[3]  As he was unable to access his reflection, he “died of unrequited love.”[4]

Narcissists and Leadership

It is common for narcissists to occupy leadership positions. According to Chamorro-Premuzic, “An impressive 15-year longitudinal study found that individuals with psychopathic and narcissistic characteristics gravitated towards the top of the organizational hierarchy.”[5]

Chandler and Fields explain,

“Narcissistic leaders may pass selection screening because they possess strengths such as the ability to present a vision in a charismatic fashion, inspire others with rhetoric, and thereby persuade others to follow.”[6]

There have been many studies on the Narcissistic Personality Disorder according to George Simon, author of the article, “Narcissism: Pathological Self-Love,” despite the American Psychiatric Association removing the disorder from the DSM-5.[7] He says, “Too many folks who know all too well how painful it is to live or deal with a narcissist” are seeking information on narcissism.

Simon goes on to say, “Because ours is the age of permissiveness and especially ‘entitlement,’ narcissism has flourished, and just about everyone has a story to tell about dealing with a narcissist.”[8]

Identifying Narcissists

Narcissistic individuals are described as “conceited, boastful or pretentious,” according to the Mayo Clinic.[9] Chamorro-Premuzic says narcissists have “unrealistic feelings of grandiosity, an inflated – though often unstable and insecure – sense of self-worth, and a selfish sense of entitlement coupled with little consideration for others.[10]

Oates defines empathy as “putting oneself in another person’s place and experiencing that person’s needs as primary,” and lacking this other-centeredness is a common characteristic of narcissism.[11]

Narcissists often “belittle or look down on people” they “perceive as inferior.”[12] “As a result . . . they naturally conclude they should come first: their needs (often lavish), their image, their success,” argue Chapman, White, and Myra.[13]

According to Chandler and Fields, “Narcissistic leaders . . . blame others for their failures.”[14] They “usually have no interest in self-insight or change.”[15]

Oates agrees, saying, “The capacity for self-evaluation and self-criticism is absent.”[16] Subordinates are simply “expected to provide blind support.”[17] If employees do not act in support of the narcissist, they become “increasingly expendable,” according to Oates.[18]

The Impact on Organizations

“The capricious nature of narcissistic leaders makes them prone to conduct negative management behaviors in order to maintain their own interests and authority, which deteriorates the perception of good relationship between employees and the organization and leads to negative responses from employees that reduce their job embeddedness (Ogunfowora, 2013; Haggard and Park, 2018; Mackey et al., 2018).”

Heli Wang, Runkai Jiao, and Feifei Li, “Research on the Effect of Narcissistic Leadership on Employee Job Embeddedness,” Frontiers in Psychology 13 (July 7, 2022): 927529, https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2022.927529.

According to Wang, et. al., employees of these businesses and organizations are not as committed to their jobs. In addition, research shows that there is greater turnover, sick leave, and family difficulties where a boss is toxic.

It is evident that narcissistic leadership do not bring about the goals of an organization no matter how talented that leader is. In the end, the organization will suffer poor performance by employees and less buy-in. A Christian organization’s witness to a watching world will in turn be diminished.

It behooves us to know the signs of a narcissist and not be drawn into his pathological self-love.


Notes

[1] Langberg, “Narcissism and The System It Breeds.”

[2] Ibid.

[3] Ibid.

[4] Ibid.

[5] Chamorro-Premuzic, “Why Bad Guys Win at Work.”

[6] Schyns and Hansbrough, When Leadership Goes Wrong, 106.

[7]  George K. Simon, Ph.D., “Narcissism: Pathological Self-Love,” CounsellingResource.com: Psychology, Therapy & Mental Health Resources, accessed March 29, 2016, http://counsellingresource.com/features/2014/10/06/pathological-self-love.

[8] Ibid.

[9] Mayo Clinic Staff, “Narcissistic Personality Disorder,” Mayo Clinic, November 18, 2014, accessed February 10, 2015, http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder/basics/definition/con-20025568.

[10] Chamorro-Premuzic, “Why Bad Guys Win at Work.”

[11] Oates, Behind the Masks, 45.

[12] Mayo Clinic Staff, “Narcissistic Personality Disorder.”

[13] Gary Chapman, Paul E. White, and Harold Myra, Rising Above a Toxic Workplace: Taking Care of Yourself in an Unhealthy Environment (Chicago: Northfield Publishing, 2014), 136.

[14] Schyns and Hansbrough, When Leadership Goes Wrong, 106.

[15] Arabi, “20 Diversion Tactics Highly Manipulative Narcissists, Sociopaths and Psychopaths Use to Silence You.”

[16] Oates, Behind the Masks, 45.

[17] Schyns and Hansbrough, When Leadership Goes Wrong, 107.

[18] Oates, Behind the Masks, 50.