Monthly Archives: October 2018

Chapman: Bitter Justice

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How do we seek accountability for evil leaders and remain bitter-free?

While serving in another country as missionaries, my family became quite delighted with a drink called a “Chapman.” It was made of Sobo orange drink, bitters, and 7Up.

We enjoyed sipping on them like Southerners sip their sweet tea.

Bitters, for those who do not know, is an alcohol that is used in very small portions in mixed drinks. It is as its name implies, quite bitter. The Chapman was a very sweet drink due to the other ingredients. The bitterness of Bitters was mostly masked by those other ingredients, but gave the drink just the right punch.

Bitterness is described in scripture as…well, bitter. In dictionaries, “bitter” is synonymous with “anger, hurt, and resentfulness.” Not a good thing. I have never heard anyone argue that bitterness is a virtue. Only that it should be mortified (killed) as fast as possible.

Crying Foul

So, when someone is called to account for his abusive behavior, Christians will sometimes cry foul. Clearly, the accuser must be overcome by “bitterness” to bring accusations against another Christian. To bring accountability is often seen as “ungracious” or “mean-spirited” by well-meaning brothers in Christ.

When we returned from the cross-cultural mission field, we took steps to bring accountability to the abusive leaders of our organization. Those steps were minimal – a letter signed by forty missionaries sent to the board and we told our story to mission committees determining whether to support the organization or not when they contacted us.

I have no doubt there was bitterness in my heart at that time and which continues to be present even now as I write five years later. The bitterness has certainly diminished and it is more like a drop of bitters in the Chapman. But, I am sure in those dark recesses of my heart, I continue to harbor anger at the treatment we and others received from our abusive leaders.

Overriding

However, the overriding motivation for seeking accountability in 2013 was what I believed to be righteous anger and a desire to stand for the oppressed, as God would have us do.

I say, “overriding” because present in the motivations of my heart were at least two impulses: one evil and one good. Justice and self-centeredness.

It took much soul-searching, prayer, and discussion to come to the decision to seek accountability. In fact, as I have watched and studied abuse, I have discovered it is commonly an agonizingly slow process for targets of any kind of abuse to take these kinds of steps…as has been evidenced by the #MeToo movement.

In particular, Christians who have a underlying discomfort with vengeance, hesitate to speak out for fear they are driven by bitterness. They want to have pure motive and when they find an inkling of bitterness hidden in their hearts, they become immobilized.

Mixed Motives

Understanding our creation and the depth of our depravity will help us humbly recognize that we are never completely free in this life from at least two driving forces. Sin and goodness will be with us until Jesus cleans us up when he comes again in clouds of glory.

We are both fallen and redeemed. Both broken and made in the image of God. Both directed by the Holy Spirit into holiness and led astray by sin that crouches at our door.

We will always have mixed motives until glory.

As a warning, Asaph the psalmist calls out our sin of bitterness and the results of it:

When my soul was embittered,
when I was pricked in heart,
I was brutish and ignorant;
I was like a beast toward you.

Psalm 73:21-22 (ESV)

Bitterness creates “brutishness.” I love that word…but, I do not like its effects. Who wants to be a beast and face the relational consequences?

Say It Loud

But, having said it out loud, admitting the presence of a beast in our hearts, it is then time to get down to justice and accountability for the good of God’s people and witness of the church. As you determine whether to speak out against oppressive leadership, remember that calling evil to account is the God-given task of every Christian. It is high on God’s list of Christian responses to sin.

And, while you are at it, work on your heart.

Anger and bitterness should drive you to godly action – calling to account wrongs done that are deeply destructive. Notice the words, “deeply destructive.” Others will sin against us as we sin against others. We are called to overlook sin, recognizing the grace God has given to us in Christ (Luke 36:37-38).

But, there are those who are destroying others…they need to be confronted despite your mixed motives. Your impurity of motives does not liberate you from standing for the oppressed.

Bitters was a necessary ingredient in a Chapman, but it was not the only one. The other ingredients were the overriding tastes and made it pleasurable.

Embrace bitterness in so far as it drives you to act for justice. But, just as quickly mortify it before it makes you a beast and allow the flavor of justice and grace to overwhelm your heart.

Toxic Survival Guide: The Action Plan – Part 3

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How do you survive the wilderness of the workplace? When you love your job and your boss makes it his job to support your creative energies, it is easy.

But, when the boss is like a wild grizzly seeking whom he may devour…that is a problem. It is no less difficult as a Christian to navigate these difficult forests. But, the Toxic Boss Survival Guide has many helpful ideas for how you may move forward.

This is the last of a three-part series discussing the authors’ ideas. [Blog 1, Blog 2]

The Action

“It might seem to you that you don’t have a lot of options available to you – which is one of the things that makes working for a toxic boss so miserable. The reality is that you do have options…”

The authors of “The Toxic Boss Survival Guide” look to the Air Force SERE approach to survival.

  • Survive!

This starting place may seem obvious, but the book provides some specifics on how this works. You must know that it is likely a short-term solution and you will need to determine if it is right for your particular nasty boss context.

Seek support from peers: It is once again, important to have people to talk to about the abuse you are facing in the workplace. Be careful with whom you are sharing the trials however.

If you share with friends and family, the boss can take over your friendships and family interactions. If you share with your coworkers, your notes, emails, or conversations may end up being overheard by the boss and make it worse. You must also be careful of gossip…though I would suggest in the context, this is not gossip [more later in a another blog].

Focus on the work: There are those who are in such a toxic environment, where nearly all relationships experienced at work are deeply affected by the noxious conditions, that a focus on the work is all in which an employee can find joy. Your rewards must be found in your own production and development.

Hunker down and weather it: This short-term solution depends on the probability (or possibility) that the employee will outlast the abuser. To accomplish this approach, you may need to do what one subject in the authors’ study did: develop an imaginary shield that would deflect the toxic behavior of the boss. 

Stay honest with yourself: Often the subjects in the study started with hunkering down, but ended up here. Do not compromise your Christian commitment to truth and justice. The authors speak of this as “values.” Taking the high road will make it possible for you to live with yourself [see article]. You do not want to become toxic yourself.

Pray, meditate, practice yoga: Though I am not big on yoga, focusing on the goodness of God, looking to His promises, and meditating on them will go a long way in keeping sanity your primary feature. It is this particular practice that will do the most in establishing your Positive Mental Attitude.

Focus on your own career: This has a longer-range focus than focusing on your work. Though decisions made with this mindset can sometimes create a manipulative approach to work and be toxic in itself, in the context of a toxic workplace, it may be important to consider the work you do with strategic foresight.

This can also help you come to the place of peace knowing you have other work possibilities and gifts that can be used more effectively somewhere else.

Adapt to it: “Feed the ego. Give up some control on simple tasks.” The authors do not recommend going “over to the dark side,” but adapting to the toxic boss’ needs. This is truly a last resort and may be difficult to accomplish. Keeping your values and feeding him may be at odds.

  • Evade:

Just as the term implies, the employee chooses to stay in the organization, but face the boss as little as possible. Again, the authors have various ideas for doing so.

Lie low: Keeping your head down is the oldest trick in the book. This is different than “hunkering down” as you are looking for ways to be out of contact, so simply bearing with the circumstances.

Ignore it: Do not take their bate. As often as possible, ignore their destruction and move on.

Work from home: Some organizations may allow you to work from the comfort of your living room recliner. Take advantage as many in the workplace are doing now. The authors mentioned one participant in their study that stayed home one day a week and it was enough to help her survive.

Call in sick: Dishonesty is not appropriate to the Christian, but should there be allowance in your sick policy for emotional distress, use it. You may even be struggling with physical responses to the stress and trauma like sleeplessness or migraines. Certainly these are legitimate “sicknesses” to claim some rest from the nightmare.

  • Resist:

Win and your boss may be gone…lose and you will be.

Resisting is not for the fainthearted, though many Christians claiming the Matthew 18 confrontation principles will believe it necessary to confront their boss. Though I argue elsewhere this is unnecessary, it is a valid step in a toxic situation.

Go over his or her head: As noted by the authors, going over the boss’ head to their boss or the board may create more hardship. Some go to the HR office, but often are disappointed in the results. Unfortunately, as noted in other articles, abusers more often than not win these fights.

Cover your butt: I say it more nicely than the Guide does, but the idea is simply to collect evidence as you watch the abusive tactics of your boss. Be able to point to specifics when it comes time to confront him or bring charges to the higher-ups.

Some Christians might suggest that this is a “keeping a record of wrongs.” However, evil behavior is recorded throughout scripture when there is no repentance. Look at the Psalms which are full of curses upon abusive people. When there is no repentance, accountability is called for.

Give feedback: This action step may be the most dangerous and unlikely to succeed. Abusers will not normally respond to feedback no matter the kindness with which you give it. If they are not toxic, they may possibly respond well. Most of the study participants had no success with this and gave up after the first try.

Stand up for yourself: If your boss is a tyrant, or bully, this may work. Just like the big kid in sixth grade, they may actually back off and find a new kid to crush if you stand up to them. But, it may get you a black eye as well. I recently interviewed one woman who would stand her ground. The leader turned his evil eye to others.

Rally troops for a counterstrike: Safety is normally in numbers. As a subordinate you have no real power. The power comes through groups. However, as evidenced by our own experience, sometimes even the numbers do little. We collected 40 signatures on a letter to the board and they still did little or nothing to resolve the issues we face.

Manipulate the boss: I discovered in my organization that the CEO’s mother had to be manipulated to believe ideas were hers before she was sold on them. The CEO, a toxic boss himself, played to his mother’s ego in order to seek changes in the ministry.

  • Escape:

Unfortunately, especially for those who love their work and their organization, leaving can be the only means of safety. You must consider yours and your family’s welfare (see trauma article).

There can be great suffering that is not momentary but lasts for years because of the physical / neurological response to abuse. The authors did not address this issue and I consider it to be paramount in your deliberations to stay or leave.

Most people say leaving was the right move. But, the Guide notes the difficulty many have in actually leaving their job. Many do not leave until their health deteriorates – emotionally or physically. 

It is also difficult to leave people behind. Some have shared with me both the frustration of others not getting it (and continuing to support the boss by staying) or sadness in leaving others in the predicament. It is like running away from a bear knowing you are faster than the other guy with you…and you know the slower one is going to be the meal.

Summary 

The Toxic Boss Survival Guide ends with the testimony of Cheryl. Her story is instructive and shares many common characteristics of the stories I have heard. Abusive boss, failure of his supervisor to recognize it, long and agonizing investigation process by the HR, further agonizing investigation process by the executives of the corporation, and finally a firing after most of the team has resigned and damage has been done.

When I began to read the Guide, I was expecting to find real help for those who wish to stick it out under toxic leadership. However, like nearly everything I have read and experienced, “sticking it out” is not usually the long-term solution.

This Guide, though, provides excellent short-term help in simple, easy-to-read format and language. As mentioned at the beginning of this series of blogs on the book, most people who are under toxic leadership do not have the time or energy to read a scholarly work on toxic leadership.

In this case, the Toxic Boss Survival Guide is just the ticket.

Toxic Survival Guide: The Psychology – Part 2

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They just are not normal. They wreak havoc and drain the life out of organizations and their subordinates.

So, what are you going to do when you work for a toxic boss? “The Toxic Boss Survival Guide” provides a map for surviving in the wilderness of the workplace.

In this second part of a 3-part series on this helpful little book, we look at how to psychologically handle working for these nasty folks? [Blog 1, Blog 3]

The Psychology

“Energy and persistence conquer all things.” [Benjamin Franklin]

You cannot truly “change or control a toxic boss.” They do not respond like normal folks do. They do not have the humility to hear ways that can help them grow. If you have tried to break through or watched others try with no success, then do not beat your head against the wall any longer.

They just are not normal.

Rather, the authors suggest controlling your own mind, attitude, and energy.

“Positive Mental Attitude” [PMA] is that which the authors describe as the means of surviving in the world of the toxic. They assure us this in not Pollyanna. The Guide suggests it is a “resilience defined by strength, purpose, and perspective.”

For the Christian, the PMA is a self-differentiation built upon the model of Christ. He was not driven by the anxiety of others, nor were his actions determined by the abusiveness of the religious or governmental leaders [see article].

Several of my interviewees clearly had this exceptional personal quality. It stood them well when those face-offs happened. Rather than going over and over the confrontations asking, “What just happened?” they were able to press forward knowing they were not the problem. The boss was.

The Guide discusses the need to be self-aware. The authors note seven ways subordinates cope with toxic leaders. These “survival pressures” are taken from wilderness survival writings and adapted by authors:

  • Fear / Anxiety: There are a number of fears toxic bosses “inject” into our lives. Fear of being singled out and attacked. Of being left in the dark regarding meetings or decisions. Or a loss of career (to some can be  like dying).
  • Pain: Scientists have found that social isolation activates the same area of the brain that physical pain does. We are wired to feel physically hurt when those words, we say will not hurt us, come flying.
  • Cold / Heat: Cold shoulders, turning the heat up, cooling you off for getting butchered. The temperature is rarely right in the caldron of the toxic workplace.
  • Thirst / Hunger / Fatigue: People respond physically in different ways to the pressure created by toxic bosses. They may lose their appetite, or drink heavily, or feel completely wiped out.
  • Sleep: The anxiety created often causes a disruption in our sleeping patterns.
  • Boredom: When your gifts are not used, you will find a lack of excitement in your work. Maybe you have been given responsibility, but you have been attacked so often for your creativity and self-directedness, you just have no interest anymore in serving the organization with fresh ideas or overtime work.
  • Isolation: It often happens that a subordinate’s relationships with even those suffering alongside them are damaged. Maybe they are not seeing the toxins for what they are and your once brotherly interactions have become fragmented creating an isolation from those with whom you would normally share the hurts.

Closing out this chapter on psychology, the Guide explains that stress is our internal response to pressure. Other people are not stressful. It is how we respond to the pressures they place on us that determine stress.

This is a helpful idea. The primary bit of advice given is not allowing the pressures created by the toxic boss to overcome the subordinate’s thoughts. All of us have spent time in the shower creating imaginary conversations.

As one of my interviewees suggested, the amount of time and emotional energy he put into thinking and discussing his toxic boss was really an “idol” to him. Naming it an idol gave him the resolve to put the thoughts on a train out of there, an image suggested by a counselor.

The Survival Plan

The seven survival pressures presented in the preceding section have seven survival tactics. These are quite helpful in pushing through the pain.

  • Positive Mental Attitude: The authors suggest a sense of humor and gratitude are the two most important mental attitudes necessary to stave off the pressure of working with a beast. Note: “cat videos can boost a person’s mood and energy.” Have you ever paid attention to the craziness of firemen, policemen, and EMTs? They might seem lacking in empathy as they deal with the blood and guts of their job, but those jokes are an important means to dealing with the pressure. And, there are always things to be thankful for even if it just the view from your office window – mine is extraordinary.
  • First Aid: Self-care is valuable to your own well-being that you might do your work well and care for others injured by the toxic boss. Put on your air mask first, then take care of the one sitting beside you.
  • Shelter: Do you have safe places to go to recoup? To rethink your situation? To share your burdens and rest from them? Superman even has a “fortress of solitude” in which to find solace.
  • Fire Craft: “Against the backdrop of a toxic leader who quite likely extinguishes flames, your survival entails keeping yourself and others alive and aware of the mission and meaning that continues to flicker at work.” Meaningful work has the greatest impact on our…well, work! If you think the organization is so deeply affected by the leader’s toxicity so that it is itself toxic, consider this article.
  • Signaling: “Like a lost hiker, send up a signal.” We must let people know when we are suffering. We need other people. Consider people in and out of the organization who can help bring safety and send up that smoke signal.
  • Water / Food: Health and nutrition are important to your ability to think. And you need to think while facing toxic leaders. “Comfort foods” are not much comfort to the brain. They do not provide the nutritional value needed to work through the emergency needs you have.

Summary

Self-care is absolutely essential to serving under a toxic leader. Though you may cringe at the mention of “self,” even Jesus sought out solitude as he faced the hoards of people following him.

Self-care is intended to provide the strength to serve – other employees and the organization. If you do not have that strength, you are not where you need to be.

But, remember that our strength comes from the Lord Almighty who owns and operates the heavens and earth. He has brought you to this place and given you the abilities you have. It is time to work through the next steps.

Next: Toxic Survival Guide: Action Plan – Part 3

Toxic Survival Guide: Impact – Part 1

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Those who work for toxic bosses are often a bit blind to and fail to understand abuse.  There are toxic bosses and there are “garden-variety bad” bosses.

There is a difference. And it makes a big difference.

Do you want some tactics for “navigating the wilderness at work?” Chappelow, Ronayne, and Adams have written an enjoyable little book that can help point the way through your suffering under a toxic boss. Most people who are under toxic leadership do not have the time or energy to read a scholarly work on toxic leadership.

The Toxic Boss Survival Guide is just the ticket. Over the next three articles [Blog 2, Blog 3], I will be reviewing the book summarizing some of their helpful advice.

What is Toxic?

I maintain that it is much safer to be feared than loved, if you have to do without one of the two.  [Niccolo Machiavelli]

The “Toxic Boss Survival Guide” begins by defining what is a truly toxic boss and the “garden-variety” type.

Some of the distinguishing characteristics Chappelow, et. al. give for a toxic boss are abusive, micro-manager, Narcissistic, demanding, tyrannical, verbally abusive, belittling, and arrogant, among others. On the other hand, if your boss is simply rude, impersonal, indecisive, wimpy, critical, and annoying, he is likely just bad.

The authors’ simple description is:

Toxic bosses are ones who use destructive, often intentional, behaviors to serve themselves and their own agenda, causing excessive harm to their subordinates and other coworkers. [page 8]

If you are working under one of these, consider their advice worth taking: “There is no feedback diplomatic enough to get through to them…Your goal at this point is not to help the toxic boss make the necessary behavioral changes so that everyone can be happier and more productive.”

The Impact

“Rotten bosses don’t get better. Any strategy that assumes they can is doomed.” [Scott Adams, Creator of Dilbert]

Unfortunately, toxic bosses are common in businesses, Christian organizations, and churches. And often they go on unhindered destroying the lives of those who work for them.

The authors note these bosses frequently brown-nose and manipulate their supervisors or boards and therefore go undetected. The employees sometimes are completely “cowed” into silence and so those who have the power to make changes are oblivious to the need.

In our own case, the board was told the missionaries working under the CEO and complaining of his toxic behavior needed psychological help. The reason so many left the organization “just couldn’t handle living in Africa.”

The turnover rate in organizations is costly. Many organizations lose their best and most talented workers because they will refuse to live in those circumstances. The impact of these abusers is deeply felt.

Even if the employees stick around, the amount of sick leave, emotional breakdowns, and relational damage is so great, it is difficult to get any work done. Sleeplessness, headaches, the inability to leave work at work, and other maladies create a living hell for employees.

In addition, the authors note the damage done to each generation in a fast-paced world where creativity is the name of the game. When a toxic boss ridicules, steals ideas, and crushes those who take risks, the ability of the organization to mold and adapt to their context for further ministry is weakened.

From a Christian perspective, this is not about making more money, but about the development of people as image-bearers of God. They are given talent and skills that God desires to be used for His glory and when a toxic boss shuts them down, he is strangling the work of God.

The Types

“People leave managers, not companies.” [Victor Lipman]

According to the “Guide,” toxic bosses are not difficult to spot. The authors group them into six primary categories:

  1. Egomaniac: “Arrogant, selfish, and quick to claim credit for everything everyone else accomplished.” He is a “shameless self-promoter.” Unlike the Narcissist, he is not influenced by the approval of others.
  2. Tyrant: They “control by oppression, often using whatever power they have in cruel and unfair ways.” He is the consummate “bully.”
  3. Two-Face: The two-faced boss will say one thing to one group and say another thing to another…always to make the toxic boss look good. He may also say one thing and do another.
  4. Control-Freak: These bosses are extraordinary micromanagers. They are over the top in controlling every move of every person in the office. They are “unable to delegate,” “domineering,” and “oppressive.”
  5. Slimeball: They have a “total lack of integrity.” “They break the rules to get out of bad situations or simply use dishonest means for their personal gains.”
  6. Narcissist: Narcissists are normally horrible listeners, very sensitive to criticism, and have little or no empathy. They are different from Egomaniacs in that they are over-the-top interested in the approval others. They may ask for feedback, but only want it if it is flattering to them.

The authors observed in their research that “insecurity” plays a major role in all the above categories. Their study subjects often placed their boss in one of the above categories, but then added “insecure” to their description no matter the category.

Summary

It seems another common trait is that the insecurity of toxic leaders drives them to be “much safer feared than loved.” Ruling by greater force often becomes necessary when those you lead badly become disenchanted. Keeping people in line and under control is the ultimate goal.

Those leaders who fall into the categories listed in the Guide are not the normal, sinful, failures though there are many. As you can see in the descriptives above, they have real problems. How do we deal with those problematic leaders?

Next: The Psychology – Part 2

The Book

Chappelow, Craig, Peter Ronayne, and Bill Adams. The Toxic Boss Survival Guide: Tactics for Navigating the Wilderness at Work, 2018. https://www.books24x7.com/marc.asp?bookid=139235.

Trauma: Get Out While the Getting’s Good

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You can become numb from the cold and feel the pain no longer. But, in the end, you have 4th degree frostbite.

Trauma is like that. Targets of abusive behavior in both home and organization become numb to the pain they experience as they live in it day in and day out.

It is their new normal. Numbness.

Sometimes the desired numbness is elusive, but in their commitment to the marriage or organization they press through the pain believing in the end things will be better. Everyone has to suffer the effects of sin, after all.

The Results are Catastrophic

However, the effects of trauma build. As damage is done to the emotional, physical, and spiritual wellbeing of the target, the long term neurological affects grow. Where my family faced limited abuse, resulting in a few symptoms, an individual in an abusive relationship or interacting with an abusive boss on an hour to hour basis will likely have 4th degree frostbite.

Following our resignation from the Christian mission organization, with which we worked eight years, we lived in fear of seeing the CEO. We continued to live on the organizational compound in a foreign country for two months and so had no choice but to interact periodically with him. Trauma specialist, Bessel van der Kolk says,

“Traumatized people look at the world in a fundamentally different way from other people. For most of us a man coming down the street is just someone taking a walk. A rape victim, however, may see a person who is about to molest her and go into a panic.” [Loc. 483]

Even after returning to the United States, whenever we saw an ATV, the CEO’s primary mode of transportation on the compound, we had a sudden quickening of the pulse.

And yet, it is relative. Our trauma, though significant for us, was nothing like a woman who has been abused by her husband for 20 or 30 years. For her, simply going to a place where she may possibly see him is overwhelming.

Susan, an abuse survivor, had started taking walks in her small town because she had not seen her perpetrator for several months. Then she saw his vehicle. It was enough to put her in panic mode. The trauma she has faced is deeply embedded through her years of hanging in there, encouraged by a church culture formed by a lack of understanding of abuse.

The Medical

According to van der Kolk, a normal person reacts to some type of threat with a rise in their stress hormones. He says, “As soon as the threat is over, the hormones dissipate and the body returns to normal.” But, that is not the experience of those traumatized. “The stress hormones of traumatized people, in contrast, take much longer to return to baseline and spike quickly and disproportionately in response to mildly stressful stimuli.” [Loc. 1032]

According to “The Leader’s Journey,

“As effective as the threat response is in keeping us alive during a moment of crisis, it creates a terribly ineffective state for a person to live in for any length of time.” [Loc 466]

Neurologists have found that when the chemicals resulting from trauma are coursing through our brains we do not think. According to van der Kolk,

“Trauma results in a fundamental reorganization of the way mind and brain manage perceptions. It changes not only how we think and what we think about, but also our very capacity to think.” [Loc. 560]

No wonder when, in the midst of a confrontational discussion, we are frustrated by our inability to respond well. We often think later of all the ways we should have responded at the time. Van der Kolk again says,

“Broca’s area is one of the speech centers of the brain, which is often affected in stroke patients when the blood supply to that region is cut off. Without a functioning Broca’s area, you cannot put your thoughts and feelings into words. Our scans showed that Broca’s area went offline whenever a flashback was triggered. In other words, we had visual proof that the effects of trauma are not necessarily different from — and can overlap with — the effects of physical lesions like strokes.” [Loc. 973]

You just cannot think when traumatized.

Recently, I heard the story of a woman abused for over 30 years being “flagged down” by her ex-husband on the road. She stopped. Some would say, “Why in the world did you stop?” Actually, the answer is quite simple. She is suffering from trauma.

It is not that we are stupid, as one woman told me about her hanging in there with her abuser. It has nothing to do with intelligence, but basic neurological responses to trauma.

Unfortunately, Bessel points out,

“While we all want to move beyond trauma, the part of our brain that is devoted to ensuring our survival (deep below our rational brain) is not very good at denial. Long after a traumatic experience is over, it may be reactivated at the slightest hint of danger and mobilize disturbed brain circuits and secrete massive amounts of stress hormones.” [Loc. 231]

How can targets of abuse get beyond disturbed brain circuits?

Cultural Pressure

I would hope the church, God’s bride and repository of the “heavenly blessings” [Ephesians 1:3], would be a place of peace and comfort for the abused. The church can be a tool of healing and safety for those seeking to get free from abusive partners and bosses.

Unfortunately, our Evangelical church culture feeds a stick-to-it-ness as we espouse biblically faulty views of authority and marriage. According to Kimi Harris in a recent Christianity Today article, “Research confirms that victims stay silent because of a negative community culture toward abuse and often don’t receive emotional support.”

A significant portion of the church misunderstands the depth of evil prevalent in abuse [see article], and as a result easily conclude the target is the perpetrator or “just not gracious enough” to those whom God has given authority roles. As Baker points out, “This can lead to interrogating the victim with questions that imply guilt or cast suspicion onto the victim.”

Some of the comments commonly heard from church members are, she “took it wrong,” was “too sensitive,” the target is “reading into things,” “is exaggerating.” or it “takes two to tango.”

Where the church should be a safe place for those who are suffering abuse to share their experience and receive support to get out before the trauma is too deeply entrenched, the church often is not that place.

I have stood helplessly by watching multiple individuals face greater trauma from their church family as they sought relief from abusers. This is particularly unfortunate in that the church can be an important place to gain safety and heal from the affects of trauma.

Again, Harris says (quoting Connie Baker), “This community support is good for our brain and neurology. It’s how we cope.”

In His infinite wisdom, God has created an “institution” that is optimum for help and healing. But, the “isolation” the church family often creates “brings continued shame and confusion.” The trauma can be worsened.

Rachael Denhollander, an American lawyer and former gymnast, was the first woman to publicly accuse Larry Nassar, the former Michigan State University and USA Gymnastics doctor, of sexual assault. She says normally we only “get one chance to be a safe place for a victim,” making it imperative that the church learn about abuse.

She noted in her experience she had little support early on from a church family. It made it particularly hard to find healing from the trauma. Bessel van der Kolk highlights the problem:

“People who have not shared the traumatic experience cannot be trusted, because they can’t understand it. Sadly, this often includes spouses, children, and co-workers.” [Loc. 497]

The church needs to understand abuse and the traumatic results so that when someone comes forward to share their hurt they will be cared for.

Steps Forward

The church needs to be the place where survivors can talk about their experience. Psychologists agree that traumatic experiences must be expressed by the victim. They must be able to talk about it.

Denhollander encourages survivors seek out “one safe person to whom they can disclose—someone who can help them reclaim their voice, ‘who can grieve with you, and who can affirm the truth to you when it’s too difficult to hold on to it yourself.’” [Harris]

However, it is imperative that there be ways of helping the body “learn that the danger has passed and to live in the reality of the present” according to van der Kolk. [Loc. 562] This may take treatment from a counselor who is knowledgable in trauma.

Time will not heal trauma. It is imperative that steps be taken to reorganize spiritually, physically, and emotionally. Finding help in that process is crucial.

Have you found healing from abuse? Please share it with us.

Notes:

Kolk MD, Bessel van der. The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. 1st ed. New York: Penguin Books, 2014.
 
 
Herrington, Jim. The Leader’s Journey: Accepting the Call to Personal and Congregational Transformation. 1st ed. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 2003.
 
Harris, Kimi. “Time Doesn’t Heal Sexual Assault If Victims Are Silenced: How Churches Can Help Victims Decades after Assault.” Christianity Today Online, October 8, 2018. https://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2018/october-web-only/sexual-abuse-trama-victims-silenced-rachael-denhollander.html.
 
 

Evil vs. Not So: Is There a Difference?

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Is it biblical to distinguish between badnesses?

I would suggest yes, but it takes removing our blinders to see the broadness of the biblical witness to brokenness.

There is an Evil Norm…but there is also a Radical Evil that is apparent in scripture. There is an Evil

As I speak and write about the abuse of power and authority both in the home and office, I am finding that I have to spend much breath and ink on the question of badness.

The Evangelical church has worked very hard to witness to the grace found in the gospel. We make clear at every opportunity that sin is sin – it all carries the same punishment: death to our relationship with the Creator of heaven and earth.

People are on a level playing field – we have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God and therefore are deserving of death and punishment. Amen.

We are in this problem together.

So, are we not called to have mercy on all sinners because we ourselves are sinful? Matthew 7 begins with this admonition. As one counselor has shared, we need to turn our pointing fingers in on ourselves. We need to take the log out of our own eye.


“Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.” [Matthew 7:3-5]

Jesus is telling us to approach those who sin against us in humility, knowing we ourselves have sinned and continue to sin. There is a level playing field before God. 

As Joseph dealt with his brothers after their evil of selling him into slavery, so we should consider carefully the kindness of God in working in our lives even through the wickedness of others. Joseph went through hell it seems and yet, became a powerful and helpful leader in Egypt, in the end saving his family from starvation. All because God had plans for him through the evil intent of his brothers. [see Genesis 37 to the end of the book]

But, is there a biblical difference in badness…are some people badder than others and should be treated differently?

Pharaoh

Pharaoh is frequently used as an example of evil. In his wickedness, he placed the Israelites in bondage, treating them horrifically, including ordering the deaths of newborn boys. When God began to bring down judgments upon his nation, he refused to repent and instead watched as his countrymen, those he was responsible to care for as a leader, suffered and die at God’s hand.

His oppressive behavior was most certainly of a grander scale in its affects on other people than my next door neighbor’s.

God called Moses, one who had left his home in Egypt and was free from the Egyptian oppression, to stand before Pharaoh and seek the release of the Israelite slaves. Through multiple confrontations, Pharaoh is judged through the miraculous power of God in various plagues. In the end, Moses takes the people and runs and God brings judgment upon Pharaoh through the destruction of his army in the Sea. [see Exodus 1-15]

Nabal

In 1 Samuel 25, David and his men were living among the shepherds who worked for a “worthless fellow” in his wife, Abigail’s words. David’s men protected the shepherds and never took anything from them, the text says.

When David sought Nabal’s help in providing some food for his men, Nabal refused help to the sojourners, rejecting both a cultural and biblical norm. David was just about to respond in his anger by wiping out Nabal’s family and servants when Abigail comes pleading for David’s mercy. David changes his mind and withdraws his hand of destruction.

Abigail told her husband of his near miss with death. The text says, The Lord struck Nabal and he died.

Jezebel and Ahab

They were a real pair. Of Ahab, King of Israel, and his wife, Jezebel, it was said,

In fact, the writers of scripture continued to use Ahab as the plumb line for evil as other evil leaders rose up and others determined not to commit the sins of Ahab.

There was none who sold himself to do what was evil in the sight of the Lord like Ahab, whom Jezebel his wife incited.

[1 Kings 21:25 (ESV)]

Ahab, 1st Kings says, wanted a garden next to his palace and asked the owner for it. When the family rejected his offer, he fussed like a baby. Jezebel, however came to his aid. She said Ahab was king and could do anything he wanted and went to work stealing the garden from Naboth.

Jezebel had Naboth falsely accused of wrongdoing and stoned to death. Elijah, the prophet, was then sent to Ahab to prophecy judgment on him and his family. But, Ahab seems to repent and God foregoes his judgment.

It doesn’t last long. Ahab is soon rejecting God’s true prophet, Micaiah and listening to false prophets.

God sovereignly called for Ahab’s false prophets to prophecy that he would win in battle. Micaiah informs Ahab of their false prophecies, but Ahab in his arrogance puts God’s true prophet in prison. God uses Ahab’s arrogance and rejection of the one true Lord to bring him to an untimely death, using a “random” arrow to kill him despite being disguised.

Jezebel died an ugly death at the hand of King Jehu in 2nd Kings 9 just as was prophesied by Elijah.

God Brings Justice

In each of these cases, including Joseph, we see ultimately how God brings justice to those who are oppressed by evil people. He does not speak the same way of those who are your average failures.

These evil leaders had opportunities to repent (as Ahab did), but as they continue in their rebellion that is especially destructive of others, God brings about their destruction.

These evildoers are not treated like those who fail (even radically like King David) but who recognize their sins and repent of them. Though all people die at some point, the deaths of these evil people listed above are clear judgments by God…not the normal result of the brokenness of our world seen in aging, disease, and accidents.

There is an Evil Norm…but there is also a Radical Evil that is apparent in scripture. 

God in the end will destroy the radicals just as David seeks in Psalm 55. God despises the oppressor [Jeremiah 21:11-12].

And though we are all guilty of great evil, there is a difference in our badnesses.