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Note: This blog is the 2nd in a series seeking ways those who have been traumatized by toxic leaders can find healing in Christ’s love through the church.
We are “fearfully and wonderfully made” according to David.[1] However, we live in a time of strange in-betweenness!
We were created perfectly by a powerful and loving God [אֱלֹהִים] and placed in a beautiful garden where all things were good; the relationships between man and God, man and his wife, man and the created world, and man and self. But, only two chapters later, the man and his wife rejected God’s authority and goodness and sinned against him. The results of that first sin are felt by every one of us in all four relationships noted above.
Our time is in between that incredible creation and the future paradise of the New Heavens and New Earth we first hear by name in the book of Isaiah (and numerous other places in the Bible).[2] Everything will be made right in those relationships when Christ comes again and brings heaven to earth in newness.
The Cosmic Struggle
But, now we live with the horrible effects of the fall while awaiting a renewal of all things. Our relationships are a struggle as we sin and are sinned against. Man and woman struggle. Man and God struggle. Man and creation struggles. And, man struggles with his own self.
It is this last relationship that we must consider as we think about the effects of trauma brought by that boss or supervisor in the church or parachurch organization. There is real trauma created by abusive authorities.
They don’t have to be physically abusive. Emotional abuse is often just as bad or worse, according to Bessel van der Kolk. He says,
“Over the years our research team has repeatedly found that chronic emotional abuse and neglect can be just as devastating as physical abuse and sexual molestation.”[3]
Though there is a big difference between seeing someone murdered in front of you (or being the one who did the murdering) and being abused by a boss, our brains respond to it similarly.
Broken Brains
A difficult concept sometimes for the church to understand is that all relationships were broken in the fall of man into sin.
Though we understand and accept that we fight with God and man in the normal warp and woof of life, it is much more difficult to comprehend that we also battle with our own selves. Our bodies are physically broken by the fall and that includes both our vascular system and our brains.
Our thinking is goofy and our neurons are goofy.
A question I have asked myself (and others) is whether our brains respond to trauma as God has created them or as broken pieces of our self to the broken world around us. I believe, though cannot state it emphatically, that it is both. Our brains were made by a good and powerful Creator . . . and, we are broken and do not respond physically or spiritually the way we would in our original created self.
So, that leaves us with seeking to understand the physical effects of trauma on our brain and determining how our God would desire for us to seek healing.
There is some fascinating research by Kolk and others that helps us understand how God has created us. When faced with trauma, Kolk says,
“We automatically signal our upset in our facial expressions and tone of voice, changes meant to beckon others to come to our assistance. However, if no one responds to our call for help, the threat increases…and the sympathetic nervous system takes over, mobilizing muscles, heart, and lungs for fight or flight.”[4]
Hardwiring
Notice, we are hardwired by the Lord to seek the aid of others [see part 1 of this series]. Communicating with others about the trauma is a God-given drive deeply embedded in our brain’s functioning. But, Kolk notes that when those needs aren’t met [no one comes to our aid or is available to help], we move towards the “flight or fight” reaction to trauma. [Others have added freeze]Fighting or fleeing are legitimate biblical reactions to an unsafe individual (toxic boss for instance).
We see examples of both responses by historical characters in the Bible, often approved of by the writers.
Remember the Apostle Paul being let down off the city wall to escape those who were seeking his harm as he shared the Gospel.[5] Consider Jesus’ example when he had challenged his hearers and they did not believe, “departed and hid himself from them.”[6]
On the other hand, heroes of the faith have also confronted (fought) the toxicity of others. The most extraordinary examples come from Jesus as He not only got to safety in some instances, but in some went up against leaders head-on. He challenged their toxicity in many clever ways including simply asking them questions.[7]
Fight or Flight
Much more needs to be said regarding the question of “fight or flight” responses. In my own study of those who have faced toxic leaders, there is a mixture of how effective either of these responses were. One individual who has commented on this blog noted his need to leave two particular toxic leaders – what I would classify as “flight.”
Most of those I have interviewed would agree with this particular response as bringing the most safety and room for healing from the trauma created by abusive leadership.
[3] Bessel van der Kolk MD, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma, 1st ed. (New York: Penguin Books, 2014), Kindle Location 1705-1707.
[5] Acts 9:23-25 says, “When many days had passed, the Jews plotted to kill [Paul], but their plot became known to [Paul]. They were watching the gates day and night in order to kill him, but his disciples took him by night and let him down through an opening in the wall, lowering him in a basket.”
Note: This blog is the first in a series exploring ways those who have been traumatized by toxic leaders can find healing in Christ’s love through the church. This post was originally published in 2017.
When Steven[1] joined a large Christian parachurch organization he was excited to be in an influential position to spread God’s Word. The organization needed the gifts God had given him as a visionary, network-building leader. He had successfully led other organizations and was not looking for another job when approached.
But, the enticement of using his God-given gifts to rebuild a ministry overcame the attractive comforts of staying in his current position.
He was warned that the organization was “dysfunctional” and it only took a short time for the dysfunction to catch up to him. The chairman of the board of directors was exceedingly controlling and did not seem to appreciate the new leader’s successes. Steven was fired unceremoniously after little or no discussion as to why a few short months after being “headhunted” by the organization.
Steven said he went through all the stages of grief and was “talking about the story more than [he] wanted to.” Diana Langberg, a Christian psychiatrist who has worked extensively with those who have experienced trauma says this is very common. She says,
“When people have been traumatized, they repeat things over and over, trying to grasp what cannot be understood and trying to carry what is unbearable.”[2]
According to Langberg, it is an important part of the healing process for many to continually speak of the pain. The processing involved in repeating the story in many different ways provides clarity over time as the traumatized extract themselves from the emotional abuse they have suffered.
As we conversed about his experience, Steven said, “I realized in a sense I had to talk about it. I had to tell the story in order to gain mastery over it. Otherwise it was inside of me and it didn’t make sense.” This is true of many employees of Christian organizations with whom I have spoken. Mark, a faculty member of a Christian college under abusive leadership, said he and his wife found much healing by meeting with a church group that listened to them “without judging.”
However, it is often difficult for others to hear the same stories “over and over again.” This seemed true for our own friends who struggled to hear our stories when we returned from the mission field. Sometimes their eyes glazed over or they made judgmental comments. Suggestions were made intending to move us beyond our apparent rut of anger, disappointment, and shame.
One woman, traumatized by emotional abuse in her home, said much the same thing. She believes people just don’t want to hear the stories and she doesn’t want to bore them.
Weep With Those Who Weep
The Apostle Paul, on the other hand, calls the church to “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.”[3]
Do we have the patience to weep with our brothers as they pour out their pain to us over and over again? Maybe if we recognize this as part of God’s means for healing His children, we will take the long view and allow ourselves to be inconvenienced.
God has created our brains in such a way that we can “empathize” with others. As explained by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, a specialist in diagnosis and treatment of trauma, there are “mirror” neurons in the frontal lobe that make it possible to “pick up not only another person’s movement but her emotional state and intentions as well. When people are in sync with each other, they tend to stand or sit similar ways, and their voices take on the same rhythms.”[4]
Kolk goes on to say trauma itself usually involves “not being seen, not being mirrored, and not being taken into account.”[5] Trauma is brought on by others who do not care for the person they are hurting. They have no concern for the feelings of others.
As abusers or possibly Narcissists, they are really only concerned about their own comforts and power. Many abusive individuals will strongly maintain they “love” the one they abuse, but their controlling and demeaning behavior is not Jesus’ kind of love.
Mirroring
For healing to take place, the traumatized person must regain the ability to safely “mirror” (empathize with) others and be mirrored by others, according to Kolk.[6] They must salvage their ability to trust others in relationships both in sharing their own hurts and hearing the distresses of others.
How do the traumatized begin to trust again? Having been so deeply wounded by another human being, how does a person, who joined a Christian organization thinking they would minister “together” with a brother in Christ, regain the capacity to trust others?
NOTES:
[1] Not his real name. All the names in this blog have been changed to protect their identities.
[2] Diane Langberg, Suffering and the Heart of God: How Trauma Destroys and Christ Restores, (Greensboro, NC: New Growth Press, 2015), 79.
[4] Bessel van der Kolk MD, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma, (New York: Penguin Books, 2014), locations 1200–1202.
