Nearly everyone who works in the marketplace experiences toxic leadership at some point in his or her career. Approximately a third of women are abused in their lifetime.
The time of peace is not here.
But there will come a time when the Lord banishes toxic leadership in the home, workplace, church, and organization.
Prophesy Against the Shepherds
The prophet and priest, Ezekiel was taken away into exile in Babylon in 597 B.C.
In 597 B.C., King Nebuchadnezzer of Babylon besieged Jerusalem. The siege caused appalling deprivation and suffering. Nebuchadnezzer took Judah’s King Jehoiachin and the nation’s leading citizens off to Babylon. Then, ten years later, he uprooted everybody else and destroyed the temple. The so-called Babylonian Captivity had begun. And tens of thousands were massacred in the process.1
Ministering for over 23 years, Ezekiel “addressed both the exiles and the people left in Judah with messages of warning and judgment, predicting the fall of Jerusalem.”2 In chapter 34, Ezekiel gives a scathing message from the Lord to the spiritual leaders of Judah.
Behold, I am against the shepherds, and I will require my sheep at their hand and put a stop to their feeding the sheep. No longer shall the shepherds feed themselves. I will rescue my sheep from their mouths, that they may not be food for them.
Ezekiel 34:10
For the purpose of vindication and validation, we can be thankful that the Lord will stop the toxic leadership of these “shepherds.” But much of the chapter is more about the kindness of the Lord to those who have suffered under that self-serving leadership.
Ezekiel goes on to say that the Lord “will seek them out. As a shepherd seeks out his flock when he is among his sheep that have been scattered. . . (vs. 11b-12a).”
Toxic leadership always scatters. In this case, Ezekiel is speaking specifically to those located in a small area in the Middle East 2500 years ago. The leadership of Judah had both religious and national consequence as Judah was a full-blown theocracy—a government ruled by a religious organization.
This religious leadership over the nation had “scattered” the sheep of Judah. We can understand this to involve both a spiritual and physical scattering of the people of Judah. It is evident that there was a decided lack of spiritual commitment to God’s law and rule and the people had been taken into captivity by another nation. They had been scattered.
As we bring this warning and teaching into our day and age we would normally apply God’s warnings and promises to the “church” that is the New Testament expansion of God’s people—including both Jew and Gentile. We cannot categorically apply the promises or warnings to Judah in the fifth century B.C. to our own time, but the promises and warnings in this chapter were only in part fulfilled as the Lord brought His people out of exile and back to Jerusalem.
There was still toxic leadership. There was still hatred. There was still suffering in that time and ever since.
However, we know there will come a day when the promises found in this chapter of Ezekiel will be fully—completely and perfectly—realized. That day will be when Christ comes again and banishes evil and enfolds His people in his arms in a love we cannot fully grasp in this life.
Listen to this incredible promise:
And I will bring them out from the peoples and gather them from the countries, and will bring them into their own land. And I will feed them on the mountains of Israel, by the ravines, and in all the inhabited places of the country. I will feed them with good pasture, and on the mountain heights of Israel shall be their grazing land. There they shall lie down in good grazing land, and on rich pasture they shall feed on the mountains of Israel. I myself will be the shepherd of my sheep, and I myself will make them lie down, declares the Lord GOD.
Ezekiel 34:13-15
It is idyllic. God’s people will be fed and nurtured and protected and given rest.
The “wild beasts” who have created havoc and death and suffering, he says, will be “banished.”
What sweet promises these are. As I watch the suffering of those under toxic leadership I am reminded of these promises that give hope. We might see some relief in this life—gaining freedom from the leader’s grasp—but in the long term, it will only be in eternity that we fully gain that freedom from the ravages of sin in leadership. Even in my own heart, that will be the day I no longer hate and hurt and curse.
Those of us who have faced abusive leadership in the home or workplace know the ever-present desire for validation and vindication. We want others to stand beside us, seeing our hurt, and for the abusive individual to be judged—in either God’s court or human courts.
Like the writers of many of the psalms in Scripture, we can go a long time waiting for either of these outcomes.
King David knew the hatred of men. He spoke of a close friend whose
speech was smooth as butter, yet war was in his heart; his words were softer than oil, yet they were drawn swords.
Psalms 55:21 (ESV)
That one who was intimate with him—he shared in “sweet counsel” with him—was deceptive and hateful.
I am sure that David wanted immediate wrath. He wanted justice done. And yet, he wrote a psalm that pushes pause.
Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way, over the man who carries out evil devices! 8 Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath! Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil. 9 For the evildoers shall be cut off, but those who wait for the LORD shall inherit the land.
It is evident in the psalm that the victim of the wicked will have his day. “. . . there is a future for the man of peace.” But, “transgressors shall be altogether destroyed; the future of the wicked shall be cut off.”
Vindication will come, but now is a time of patience and stillness. We are called to refrain from the debilitating curse of stewing in anger and trust the LORD, who will judge with righteousness.
Not an Easy Task
But of course, saying it does not make it so.
Whoever wrote Psalm 119 knew this:
How long must your servant endure? When will you judge those who persecute me?
Psalms 119:84 (ESV)
How long? When?
There is no need to beat yourself up over the feelings of hurt, distrust, and impatience. God’s people have from time past suffered the same feelings of dispair. Some of that hurt is encapsalated in God’s Word as an example to us.
Where to Turn
The same writer of Psalms 119 tells us in every verse (except one) that we turn to His Word—in New Testament fulfillment, Jesus—for the healing of those hurts and the patience to endure.
My soul melts away for sorrow; strengthen me according to your word!
Psalms 119:28 (ESV)
I am melting. But I am God’s child. I am blessed with all the heavenly blessings (Eph. 1:3).
Though I do not feel it at the moment, I know it to be true because Jesus told me so. I can rest in His promise, though I cannot see ten feet in front of me.
Even though the board of directors ignores my plea to bring accountability to the CEO. Even though the church elders do not see the abuse the pastor is heaping upon his flock. Even though the judge fails to take into account the damage my husband has been inflicting upon my soul.
Jesus loves His little children . . . and His justice will prevail.
Be still.
Fret not.
Wait on the LORD.
For the evildoers shall be cut off, but those who wait for the LORD shall inherit the land.
When I first began research in toxic leadership, I had become interested in the topic because of two things: the leadership of our mission and a dear friend’s experience of an abusive marriage she had suffered in for 20 years.
The ways in which those two forms of abuse – leadership and domestic – came together were astounding. The psychological, spiritual, and physical techniques of abusers and destruction caused by them were extraordinarily similar.
As I focused in on leadership abuse, domestic abuse affects were never very far off my research paths.
One particular result (and technique) of abuse is isolation. It is deeply hurtful. And it is almost always, in my experience, a result of or intentional tool in the abusive individual’s kit.
I have spent much time in Job lately and as I read recently, these words popped out at me:
He has put my brothers far from me, and those who knew me are wholly estranged from me. My relatives have failed me, my close friends have forgotten me. The guests in my house and my maidservants count me as a stranger; I have become a foreigner in their eyes. I call to my servant, but he gives me no answer; I must plead with him with my mouth for mercy. My breath is strange to my wife, and I am a stench to the children of my own mother. Even young children despise me; when I rise they talk against me. All my intimate friends abhor me, and those whom I loved have turned against me. My bones stick to my skin and to my flesh, and I have escaped by the skin of my teeth. Have mercy on me, have mercy on me, O you my friends, for the hand of God has touched me! Why do you, like God, pursue me? Why are you not satisfied with my flesh?
Job 19:13 (ESV)
In Job’s case, he has seen the works of Satan destroying aspects of his life under the willing control of the Lord Almighty. He knows God’s sovereignty in the situation and is angry and confused by it.
Job is a respected elder in the community because of the many blessings the Lord has poured out on him. But, as the Lord proves to Satan that Job’s love for God is not based on material well-being, Job loses nearly everything in his world; his wealth, children, employees, animals, crops, and his own health.
And Job loses his friends.
He is isolated.
It is part and parcel of the abuser’s playbook to do all he can to separate his victim from her friends and means of support. He may charm family, friends, co-workers, or employees making it seem evident that the victim is crazy, mistaken about the abuse, or unloveable.
One manager of a large international ministry told me his CEO called all his friends – other CEOs of major ministries – to isolate him. The CEO made it impossible for him to find another job for two years after he fired the manager for confronting the CEO on reports of sexual harrassment of 20 women.
Our missions Director told us the other staff with whom we worked were against us when we challenged his toxic leadership. It was not true, but he evidently wanted us to feel isolated and helpless.
In a recent interview, a woman told me her respected husband isolated her from family and church friends and leadership by means of his social stature and charm.
Another woman told me all of her brothers turned against her when she was seeking to get free from her horribly abusive husband.
Job’s story ends well. He is given great wealth, more children, a whole new ranch teaming with stock and he is welcomed back into the community.
That may or may not be the case for those who have been isolated by their abuser. But it is important to remember that it is the Lord Who brings vindication. It is the Lord Who will provide all the needs we have.
And it may be a case where we must turn to the Lord’s example:
Now when he was in Jerusalem at the Passover Feast, many believed in his name when they saw the signs that he was doing. But Jesus on his part did not entrust himself to them, because he knew all people and needed no one to bear witness about man, for he himself knew what was in man.
John 2:23-25 (ESV)
Jesus did “not entrust himself to them.” Why?
“Because he knew all people . . . for he himself knew what was in man.”
Man is fickle. His allegiances change. He will believe whom he wants to believe.
This is a cry to those who would isolate victims of abuse by believing the lies of the oppressor. Though you may fear the abuser, your allegiance better fall with the victim of oppression . . . this is the Lord’s will.
And, this is a cry to victims. Know that ultimately, the Lord’s vindication is for the taking. Though the vindication of man – brought by your loving Lord – may be long in coming, the Lord stands by your side and will not be removed.
Though it seems that the heavens are falling and the earth is shaking, to be isolated with the Lord is far and away better than the praises of man.
This Article is Part Three of a series telling the stories of two women who were sexually abused, one of their families, and the church leadership that misused their spiritual authority in response.This article includes topics such as sexual assault, domestic violence, physical violence, and spiritual abuse. I acknowledge that this content may be difficult. I also encourage you to care for your safety and well-being.
“As a pastor’s daughter I was always expected to be a bigger person.” Mia is a tough girl. She has been through a whole lot in her life.
A turning point for her was when she was sexually molested by a son of a Deacon in her church at ten years old. Her father was an Associate Pastor and he and her mom noted her change in behavior after that. But knew nothing about the assault. [Mia’s mother and father noted in a video they created that he had assaulted another girl and the church had handled it badly, covering it up and giving him a slap on the wrist.]
There was something “dirty” about that horrible experience, but she saw it as her own rather than the perpetrator’s sin. She just couldn’t bring herself to share it with her parents or others in the church.
So, it stayed hidden for years.
Mia went through two more horrendous experiences of violence—forcefully sexually molested a short time after and then raped by a youth pastor and his friend when she was 14 years old.
Like many who have been sexually assaulted, Mia took it on herself and did not share her story for many years. There were more than the usual reasons for her to remain silent about these horrible sins that were not her fault at all.
Unsafe Church
Mia was raised in an unsafe church environment.
As I listened to her story, I was overwhelmed with sadness, anger, and disappointment as I heard the litany of reasons why Mia has left the church. But, to be clear, she has not left Jesus, just the church. The bride of Christ has horribly added to her suffering and she cannot even enter a church without a raised heart rate and breaking out in a sweat.
At one point in our conversation Mia apologized to me, knowing that I am a leader in the church. But, I could only shake my head and commiserate with her. I know that many have experienced the kind of oppressive behavior Mia has in the church.
Mia’s story is for leaders who want to make church a safe place for sinners who have been sinned against in often the most egregious ways. Church leadership—elders, deacons, Sunday school teachers, etc. —are called by the Lord (like everyone else) to be a solace to the vulnerable among us.
As was written in the blog prior to this, Mia went to the elders in her church believing that this was what a congregant member should do when struggling in her marriage. Though she didn’t know it at the time she went to them, her husband had been having an affair for several years and his paramour was pregnant with his child.
When Mia approached the elders, she shared openly her stories of sexual abuse. She also shared the sinful life she had lived during her teen years following those assaults.
Mia had abused alcohol and drugs and had an abortion when she was 16. She explained that it was about two years before coming to the elders that she had really dealt with her abortion. Mia shared that when she had her first child, she felt shame, believing that she should have been judged by God and should not have been allowed to get pregnant again.
She believes that this attitude came from the Pharisaical teaching of her childhood church.
Mia was still living with this kind of self-loathing despite knowing Jesus’ forgiveness when she came to the elders.
Rather than consider the incredible violations of Mia as an image-bearer when men used her body so wickedly, one of the elders (Sam) wanted her to know she was still dealing with consequences. It did not appear that he had any concern for the forgiveness she was promised in Christ. He couldn’t get beyond her long-ago sin in order to focus on the healing and help she needed in her marriage and from the after-affects of sexual assaults.
Mia explained that Sam said “she was a horrible sinner and needed to deal with this.” She went on, “I had created a godly family with my husband, but Sam had to go back and pound on those times.”
Those times for which Jesus had forgiven her.
As Mia explained, “He was never kind. He never said, ‘We will get through this.'” Mia said, “He is such a prideful man…convinced he is an amazing person.“
As explained in the earlier blog, Mia suffered under a leadership that was more concerned about following their church rules than the love of Christ. Instead of responding to her hurt and trauma, they had to protect their own leader at all costs when she challenged Sam’s shepherding.
They have never held Sam accountable for his failure to shepherd Mia as Christ has called His elders to shepherd.
Oppressed by the Church
What has Mia learned from her church leadership?
She said she had to leave the church to find healing.
At one point, when I asked what had most helped her healing, Mia said, “To be free from the church.”
She explained, “Separating from that church took away their power.” Mia had been raised to respect and honor the authority church leaders have been given by Christ. But, that power had been misused to crush their sheep and their Phariseeism and failure to love and serve God’s people, to which Christ calls His leaders, destroyed Mia’s respect for them.
Mia shook her head, “It is so sad that non-Christian friends are way more understanding. They don’t judge you that you didn’t come to Sunday school two weeks.”
But There are Some
However, Mia has found some healing from those who take Jesus’s calling seriously. She described being dragged to an organization called “Journey to Heal Ministries” when she was still bitter and angry.
When she was introduced in the meeting, she said, “I would not lie about my life anymore.” She expected a response like she had received in her church, but the response was so different.
“They said, ‘We are so happy to have you here.’ I wrote my story and was apologizing like crazy and they told me, ‘IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.’ It was the first time I had heard that from Christians. It was the most healing from my sexual abuse.”
The spiritual abuse continues to gnaw at her soul. But, Mia said, “My dad is very important. He says, ‘It’s okay to be where you are at.‘” She continued, “In the old days, it was discipline until you get to where you need to be. But, now it’s okay to struggle. I am not kept at an arm’s distance from my parents. When leaders lie to you, you have to question.”
Her parents are okay with that now.
Mia has remarried a good man and hopes her story can help others trapped in legalistic and uncaring church environments.
Where Do We Go
I am praying that church leaders who hear Mia’s story will recognize their own tendencies of self-protection and failure to extend grace to those who bear their souls before them. Jesus covers the sins of these hurting lambs and those sins are removed as far as the East is from the West.
And when it comes to those who have been horribly sinned against, like in Mia’s case, look to the Good Shepherd as an example. “A bruised reed he will not break, and a faintly burning wick he will not quench.” [Isaiah 42:3]
First in a three-part series on women who were sexually abused, one of their families, and church leadership that failed to protect and care for them.
Calvin and Charlotte1 raised their daughters with what they considered a strict adherence to Biblical teaching. When their daughters exhibited concerning changes in behavior in their teen years, Calvin and Charlotte didn’t understand why and searched for ways to change their parenting.
They explained, “In our search for answers, we embraced purity culture and the ‘Vision Forum’ patriarchal teaching.” They did not realize how that would add to their daughter, Mia’s burden.
When Mia revealed that she had been sexually molested at a young age by the son of a church deacon, then later by the nephew of her childhood pastor, and raped as a young teen by two men in the another denomination (one being a youth leader), so much of what Calvin and Charlotte had failed to understand became clear.
Mia’s change in behavior at home and struggle with the church had its roots in her experience of sexual assaults.
The Spiritual Abuse Was Worse than the Sexual Abuse
It was not too late for Mia, but the church and her parents needed to respond to her struggles in light of these horrible experiences as a child.
Unfortunately, Mia did not receive the response she so desperately needed from the church. However, Calvin and Charlotte worked through the issues with Mia, coming to learn much not only about sexual abuse, but also spiritual abuse.
Mia’s pain runs deep and she continues to struggle with the church. The way the community responds to the report of abuse from a victim greatly impacts their healing process and the church failed miserably. Calvin and Charlotte are still hoping that the church leaders will learn from this experience and be biblically responsive in the future.
Her Story
When Mia approached the church leadership – elders who were assigned to care for her – the abuses she had received as a child were only piled on higher and deeper. Mia concluded that, “The spiritual abuse [at the hands of the church leaders] was worse than the sexual abuse.”
Mia’s husband of ten years was disengaging from their marriage so she reached out to the elders. She had remained silent about the sexual abuse by men within the church for 17 years but now shared her trauma with the elders. As her parents explained, Mia must have had a significant trust in the elders to share her story with them after hiding it in the dark so long.
It was a very important step for Mia if she was to begin healing from the sexual assault.
Not only did she share her story of abuse but, in that time of vulnerability, she confessed her own sinful responses that grew out of those horrifying experiences. Rather than a time of care and redemption, she experienced more shame from the elders. [More on this in a future blog]
In a letter to their daughter, Calvin and Charlotte said,
“Unfortunately, your experience proved that your elders were not safe. When you told them about the state of your marriage, when you shared the details of your abuse, their response was not to protect and care. Instead, they put the burden of your circumstances back on you.“
One particular elder, when meeting with Mia, was unbelievably harsh with Mia, who had been sexually assaulted by men within the church as a child and had lost her husband and father of her children.
Mia was crying out for help, and the elder “crushed her”.
Mia recounted an exchange she had with this elder in a meeting with two elders of her church. She was humbly describing to them her lack of “Biblical maturity.” She didn’t want them to treat her like a pastor’s daughter. She told them, “I am not here” (using her hand to point up high), “but here,” (then lowering her hand to designate her “lack of maturity”). The elder responded saying, “You’re not even here Mia, you are here,” while pointing to the ground.
Piled higher and deeper.
Qualifications for Elder
In another conversation, the offending elder asked how Mia and her husband were doing following a meeting with the two elders. Mia told him that she had tried talking to her husband and it was no better. At that point she did not know her husband had been having an adulterous affair. The elder responded, “You do talk too much. . . maybe try not talking.”
At every turn the elder turned the responsibility on Mia rather than listening to and supporting her in her pain.
The other elder and church pastor should have taken their shepherding responsibilities seriously. They should have stepped in when they observed and were informed of the offending leader’s harsh and Pharisaical conduct. However, they continued to defend this elder. In addition, an investigative committee from the denomination’s regional organization seemed to suggest begrudgingly that he had failed in his shepherding.
Calvin and Charlotte continue to ask the question why no one was willing to hold the elder accountable for his unkind and hurtful behavior. What did his fellow elders stand to lose?
Form Over Substance
When Mia wrote a letter to the elders sharing her hurt, they did not respond for weeks. After not hearing anything for weeks, Mia, along with another elder brought an additional concern about the offending elder to the church board. When Mia once again received no response, she brought him up on charges to the regional committee with the hope of getting help from the denomination.
Finally responding, the elder board wrote to her saying, “Your filing judicial charges has complicated the matter,” not, “We are so sorry we have failed to support you in your incredible need.”
Rather than share the love of Christ, providing support to receive counseling for her horrible experiences in the church, they began to cross their t’s and dot their i’s. In a letter to Mia they continued to point out that she didn’t follow the church rules in how she brought to their attention the failure of the offending elder’s shepherding.
“It is clear to us that you have misunderstood the nature of personal and non-personal offenses, as well as public and private offenses. First, our Book of Discipline III.4 states, ‘Offenses are either public or private. Public offenses are those which are commonly known.‘”
Elder Board’s letter to Mia
It goes on ad-nauseum. A bunch of gobbledy-gook to distract from the issue at hand and their duties as God’s shepherds.
In addition, Mia said they “threatened to bring charges against” her for writing what she wrote.
Calvin and Charlotte pointed out to me that they have become convinced that the elders are mostly concerned about “their position, role and status.” They are “puffed up,” as Paul warns Timothy when choosing elders (1 Timothy 3:6).2 As I read their letter and listened to descriptions of meetings with the elders, they seem to be pounding their chests, defending, and justifying their actions rather than humbly seeking to shepherd the flock.
And in their wake they are leaving deeply hurt people of whom the Lord Jesus Christ gave them opportunity to serve.
Again, in their letter to their daughter, Calvin and Charlotte said, “Men, shepherds, leaders in Christ’s body went to great lengths to make sure what truly happened was hidden and, in the process, they attacked you.” They went on to say, “[The elders] would not deal with heart issues and hid behind process.”
Where Do They Go from Here?
When the church “courts” fail to bring justice and mercy and faithfulness in the relationships they are called to provide for, protect, and love, where do you turn?
In the case of these elders, they have done nothing illegal to report to the civil authorities. However, they have clearly failed on many accounts to shepherd the flock of God and should be held accountable. Where can Mia, Calvin, and Charlotte turn to bring that accountability?
Waiting for the Lord to bring vindication certainly is a biblical option (Psalm 135:14). However, doing nothing means the elders will be allowed to continue to mistreat God’s people and diminish the church’s Gospel witness to the community. God continually calls His people to step into the melee and seek justice for the vulnerable [Isaiah 1:16, Proverbs 1:2-3].
In their case, the family has chosen to use social media. When the failures of an elder have destroyed many relationships and the complicity of his fellow leaders are compounding the problems, it is important to bring help to others who are suffering under their leadership. In order to warn others, it may mean bringing in the various types of media.
Again, speaking about leadership in the church, Paul tells his young charge, Timothy,
“Do not admit a charge against an elder except on the evidence of two or three witnesses. As for those who persist in sin, rebuke them in the presence of all, so that the rest may stand in fear.”
1 Timothy 5:19-20 (ESV)
There is a standard for “charging” an elder. When there has been a significant number of broken relationships (“two or three witnesses”) caused by the elder in question, it is time to bring it to the church – to make it public.
How far abroad is it publicized, Paul does not state. He did not have social media in that time.
But, his letters to various churches were read widely even as they are today in our social media. In more than one place Paul brings to our attention the wickedness of specifically named early church leaders (2 Timothy 4:10, 14). Those men’s names, which appear in Scripture, have gone down in history, having been an example of foolishness and evil to the church for centuries. Those words have been read by millions, if not billions of people.
The “engagements” his words have had far outnumber the most viral post of today’s social media.
Horribly offended members of the church may choose to make known the offenses of a leader in social media, emails, news outlets, or other public places after finding no help from other church leaders. It is my recommendation that, as an advocate, you take a deep breath and walk alongside the abused member to bring accountability to the leader. You may be uncomfortable with broadcasting it far and wide, but the healing of the victims and the accountability of the leader are more important.
The primary goal is love and love demands that an erring leader is brought accountabilitybecause scripturally, a leader is held to a higher standard than congregant members (1 Peter 5, James 3:1). It is likely that this is why Scripture holds them to a higher standard. . . from his place of authority and opportunities to teach, the damage he can do goes well beyond the scope of the errors of those under his charge.
Rather than judge the traumatized, seek justice for the oppressed.
Leaning Into Their Story
Let Calvin, Charlotte, and Mia’s story help us learn how to respond to the deep, deep hurt of those who have faced abuse. Recently, I have had numerous conversations with others who do not know how to engage with someone who has been abused.
So often the trauma from abuse has created incredible physical effects and those who have been abused will often seem crazy as they repeat themselves, mix up facts, and struggle to make sense of their experiences. It isn’t crazy; it is the physical response of the body to protect itself from further harm.
Second, leaders in the church need to learn humility, open their ears. . . and close their mouths. Had Calvin, Charlotte, and Mia’s church leaders considered Jesus’s condemning words to the Pharisees, they may have taken a breath and asked how they could help Mia instead of pulling out their church policy manual (Matthew 23 – nearly the whole chapter).
And finally, church leaders need to realize that they are held to a higher standard of behavior and when they fail over and over and show clear signs of abusive leadership, they should expect their story to go far and wide. . . as well it should.
NOTES:
1 Calvin, Charlotte, and Mia are NOT their real names. Though they were unconcerned having their names published, it is P&S’s desire that there be no distraction from their story. The church denominations that failed them have also been kept anonymous for the same reason. Their story could be told in every denomination, and indeed I have heard these stories in numerous denominations. Lest readers think this could only happen in that denomination, P&S wants them to know it IS happening in their denomination.
2 1 Timothy 3:2-3 says an elder should be of “good behavior, hospitable, able to teach; not given to wine, not violent, not greedy for money, but gentle, not quarrelsome due to the power he possesses.” Several of the items listed by the Apostle Paul are pointed at how the leader is to relate to others. Hospitable, gentle, not quarrelsome, not authoritarian. If a man has significant difficulties with these, he is not qualified to lead in the church.
Mary and John joined a mission work. They were excited about their ministry in which they would work shoulder to shoulder.
But, now on a mission field far from home, they were under the director’s seeming complete control. Their work visa, their house, their children in the mission school. Everything was controlled in some way by the mission agency.
And the director abused his authority and created daily drama in their lives. He lied. He manipulated. And he isolated them.
There a number of ways those, who are abused in the home or workplace, are isolated by their abusers. Isolation provides secrecy and a means for the abuser to remain unaccountable for his sin. So, abusers may isolate his victim –
Spiritually — The abuser may use scripture to control and manipulate, twisting it to suit his own needs.He seeks to isolate you from the Lord by suggesting God is on his side and not yours.
Relationally / Emotionally — The abuser may continually remind the victim about her lack of support from others. “Everyone else thinks you are wrong,” he may say though it is just a lie.He wants you to think you must stick with him because no one else has your back.
Physically — The victim may be held in a prison of the home and kept from engaging with other people. Or, the victim may be far from home on the mission field and have few options to reach out or get home to those who can help.An abuser knows this and takes advantage of it.
Financially — The abuser may hold the purse strings, keeping financial accounts secret or only allowing an allowance.If you have no financial independence or choices, you are dependent on him.
Each of these isolation techniques can be overwhelming.
But, Jesus knows our isolation.
When Jesus was on the cross, He “cried out with a loud voice, saying, ‘Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?’ that is, ‘My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?‘”
This cry of despair came just before He died.
Jesus’ agonizing cry of isolation came when He probably felt completely alone in His incredible sufferings. Both Mark and Matthew make the point leading up to this exclamation that all who sat down by His cross, or were passing by, were ridiculing Him. They were making fun of Him.
Not only was Jesus suffering great physical pain with nails in his hands and feet, but incredible isolation from fellow humans. Again, both Mark and Matthew record that even His supporters—women who had followed him through thick and thin—sat a distance off from Him.
I can’t help but think that Mark and Matthew wanted to make a point by the use of their terms that show Jesus’ isolation. Likely, the women knew there was danger in being too closely alligned with this condemned man.
Isolation.
Complete isolation.
Isolation from God
Add to his relational isolation from people the isolation when it seems God is far off. “Why have you forsaken me?” Jesus cried out to His Father.
Jesus was quoting from His ancestor, King David when the king was also in despair.
My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning? O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer, and by night, but I find no rest.
Psalm 22:1-2 (ESV)
Jesus, like David, felt the isolation that is complete when even God (Emmanuel—God with us) does not seem to be with us. God, the One Who can truly save. The One powerful enough and loving enough to save does not save.
That is truly isolation.
It is bad enough when men (and women) all around us do not believe our story of abuse in the home or workplace. When they pull back because of discomfort in hearing our story or the church excommunicates you because you seek freedom from your oppressor.
But, when you feel that not even God is answering your cries for help? That is isolation.
Standing by
As God’s people we need to stand by those who have suffered the violence of emotional, spiritual, sexual, economic, or physical abuse. We need to be the hands and feet of Jesus as He calls us to always stand by these who are being crushed.
That may mean we stand in the gap formally or informally.
We may be called by the LORD to be an intermediary (advocate) between a church’s leadership and a victim. Or just be present in court appearances with a victim. Or present a structured separation to the abuser. Or stand up to their boss or board of directors on their behalf.
Each of these should be done wisely and at the direction of the victim. Their safety – in the home or in the workplace – must be the goal of our taking a stand.
Even so, as God’s people stand in the gap, the isolation can be intense and deeply felt. As those on the outside, be cognizant of the victim’s pain, and patiently bear with the abused as they heal. It can be a long and difficult process to once again really experience and know God’s constant presence.
There is more to the story . . .
As we have walked alongside those under abusive leadership in the home or workplace, we have seen the joy that comes in the morning. The isolation, sometimes seemingly unending, does come to an end.
Because, God is never gone.
For those He calls His own, He never rejects or leaves. He will never leave nor forsake you, child of the one true King. This is one of the greatest of trues from the Word. God with us!
David goes on in his psalm to say,
In you our fathers trusted; they trusted, and you delivered them. To you they cried and were rescued; in you they trusted and were not put to shame.
Psalm 22:4-5 (ESV)
David knows from experience that God does and will rescue in time. All Israel had known the presence and liberation of the LORD from their slavery to abusers in Egypt.
“Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning,” David says in Psalm 30.
Joy will come in the morning. The heartache and isolation felt now will be relieved. Other people, including your parents or children, may not believe you. But, your God, in Whom you trust, is there with you and will remain with you no matter how you feel.
And He brings deliverance whether in life or in death.
You are not and will never be alone, child of the King.
