Category Archives: #MeToo

Bowing the Knee to Pharisaism: It Never Goes Well

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Recently I came across a passage in the history of the early church.

Acts 21 in the Bible presents Luke’s story of his and his companions—including Paul—arrival in Jerusalem.

All along the way, as they stopped off in various communities, there were those in the churches who prophesied that Paul would be put “in chains” if he went to Jerusalem.

And so it goes.

Zealous for the Law

When Paul, Luke, and their other fellow travelers arrive, there is a joyful reunion with the church. As they all shared together what God had been doing through the various ministries of those present, they “glorified God.”

So far so good.

However, something struck me for the first time the other day after many readings of this passage over the last 45 years. Immediately, on the heals of Paul sharing the incredible, earth-shaking news that many of those outside the Jewish religion were turning to Jesus Christ, there is an immediate damper.

I am sure Paul was very excited to share his news. But there is no sense in Scripture that there is any reveling in God’s amazing grace as they heard the news. Instead, there is a bit of a one-ups-man-ship among the other believers there. Hear their response:

You see, brother, how many thousands there are among the Jews of those who have believed. They are all zealous for the law, 21 and they have been told about you that you teach all the Jews who are among the Gentiles to forsake Moses, telling them not to circumcise their children or walk according to our customs. 22 What then is to be done? They will certainly hear that you have come.

Acts 21:20-22

First they note that “many thousands” of Jews had come to believe in Christ. Then they note they are “zealous for the law.”

Zealousness for the law is okay if it means we love the holiness of God and how he has expressed that holiness through His law. However, what seems apparent is that the zealotry is more Pharisaic than the Psalm 119 kind of joy in the law.

Notice that these church leaders follow up the “I can do one better with thousands of Jews” comment with YOU ARE THE MAN who is causing trouble here. Paul’s teaching—which was coming from a reformed Pharisee, mind you—was it was unnecessary to be circumcised to be a follower of Jesus. Paul worked exceptionally hard at teaching the church to not add rules to Scripture. His old way was to hold legalistically to the law and the addition of many interpretations of the law that had become law in themselves—Pharisaism.

Forsaking Moses meant these Jews thought Paul cared nothing for Old Testament Judaism—which is certainly not true. Jesus confirmed the Old Testament law, but also explained how the Pharisees—and other Jewish groups—had taught the law as a means to be saved rather than as a guide to recognizing their need for a Savior. That was never the intent of the law.

So, “What then is to be done?”

Giving In

After reading all that has gone before in the various villages they had visited, you get the sense that these brothers are hoping to keep Paul from being chained—even by fellow believers who were angry about his teaching on the law.

So they suggest:

We have four men who are under a vow; 24 take these men and purify yourself along with them and pay their expenses, so that they may shave their heads. Thus all will know that there is nothing in what they have been told about you, but that you yourself also live in observance of the law.

Acts 21:23-24

Paul is to fulfill this Pharisaical practice of the law in order to please these folks who continue to think these things are necessary to make God happy.

When in Rome do as the Romans do.

Paul is a big believer in that idea. Whereas it is not breaking God’s law, he was happy to do as others do in order to reach them with the Gospel.

But, what we find here is that Pharisees—whether as members in the group or simply of heart—are never satisfied.

Paul did what they called him to do but it didn’t matter. Paul is reviled and seized by these Jews: “

‘Men of Israel, help! This is the man who is teaching everyone everywhere against the people and the law and this place’ . . . Then all the city was stirred up, and the people ran together. They seized Paul and dragged him out of the temple.”

It Cannot be Mollified

Pharisaism cannot be mollified. Paul, nor Jesus, ever makes excuses for it. Though Paul, in this instance, appears to have tried to calm the anxiety created by the Pharisees, he didn’t succeed.

Pharisaic teaching and practice are destructive. Paul continually fought against it (see Galatians 3:1f; Colossians 2:20-23). He called out, by name, those who were leading the fledgling church astray by its legalistic teaching (see the whole book of Galatians).

I believe I can safely say that some form of modern Phariseeism is behind a huge percentage of the church leadership abuse cases of which I have had contact.

In these cases, leaders held unswervingly to a belief or practice that was either outright unbiblical or based on an interpretation that was not clearly biblical. It is that interpretation that is blown up into an absolute that so often gets the leader in trouble.

A leader may take a view of pro-marriage and create a law unto itself without recognizing the principles behind the biblical authors’ writings that provide the heart and soul of marriage: a loving committed covenant between two people. And just as God “divorced” his people, so too those who have been rejected by their spouse through abuse are allowed to divorce—the abuser’s actions are called desertion in biblical terms.

A leader may consider those who question his wisdom as being unsubmissive to authority. But he is only looking at the parts of the verses that call on those under man’s authority to submit (Romans 13:1). He does not pay any attention to the meaning of “for he is God’s servant for your good” (Romans 13:4) or the verses calling him to account for his leadership failures (1 Peter 3:7).

So, these leaders run with their incomplete interpretations of Scripture and make a ruin of lives.

One look at the Gospels and you will recognize the abuse heaped upon God’s people by the Pharisees. The church must reject the modern-day Pharisees wherever they find them.

NOTE:

As a closing note, it is helpful to see that Paul’s end goal in walking towards the toxic leaders resulted in accomplishing the goal he had. Paul, writing to the Philippians church from prison:

I want you to know, brothers, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel, so that it has become known throughout the whole imperial guard and to all the rest that my imprisonment is for Christ. And most of the brothers, having become confident in the Lord by my imprisonment, are much more bold to speak the word without fear.

Philippians 1:12-14 (ESV)

The Gold Standard: When Unacceptable is Better than Those Others

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In this little missive I am going to try to relate an interesting, but understandable, phenomenon in domestic abuse experience to the workaday world.

I have heard more than once from friends of survivors that the abuser is “not as bad as my husband . . . so he’s golden!”

We can’t help but contrast and compare our experiences with other’s. We either do so to build ourselves up or show how rough we have it. Either way, one comes out smelling better than another.

Well at least he doesn’t hit her

In the domestic violence world it is common to hear, “Well at least he doesn’t hit her.” But survivors of emotional abuse will come back with, “I wish he would hit me so I would have a bruise to show for it. Then maybe others would take my suffering seriously.”

Many people fail to recognize or make clear that any form of abuse is wrong. It is hurtful to the emotional, physical, and spiritual health of the victim. The pain of bruises and the agony of broken brain circuitry are simply different . . . but all of it is destructive and evil and can create long-term trauma.

So, that brings us to another problem: the isolating of victims because people don’t understand these truths. These comparisons are used to control the victims, particularly in Christian settings where divorce is rejected on abuse grounds.

I have heard things like, “When they don’t destroy things they must be gold . . . though they yell at and demean their partner.” Friends of one woman repeatedly attacked her because her husband isn’t “as bad as their own.” They will not admit that their own husbands are abusive. That would be too hard. So the victim is pushed outside the camp because she isn’t tough enough like her detractors are.

But, as my wife has said, “You don’t have to be strangling someone to choke the life out of them.” Though he may not yell as often or demean in the same way, it is evil.

Workplace Abuse?

How does this relate to leadership in the workplace?

We see the same dynamic in the organization when fellow leaders, boards, or even co-workers suggest that the boss—

  • Isn’t as bad as the last guy.
  • The boss is supposed to be a strong leader.
  • He may be a little rough around the edges.
  • He is the founder. He can do what he wants.
  • Corporate bosses are notoriously narcissistic.

All these excuses simply suggest that evil is good.

But Scripture does not take that view.

Woe to those who call evil good
and good evil,
who put darkness for light
and light for darkness,
who put bitter for sweet
and sweet for bitter!

Isaiah 5:20 (ESV)

Notice how that verse starts: “Woe”. That is a scary word that has a sense of “curse”. You do not want to be “woed”. But when you start suggesting that someone is not abusive in the home or workplace because he isn’t as bad as Hitler, you need to rethink your comparisons. You are asking for woes.

Particularly if you are being called on to give aid and comfort to a victim. And instead, you suggest their pain means nothing.

The Heart of [Abusive] Leadership: Becoming leaders with a desire for the good and the capacity to carry it out

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The abuse of leadership does not just appear out of the blue.

It has roots and a heart.

When we talk about abuse, we talk about patterns of behavior—coercive, controlling, and punishing behaviors. But we do not stop there.

The Difficulty of Transformation

It is rooted deeply in the heart. Behaviors are simple outward manifestations of something much deeper.

Therefore, the way to transformation is through the heart; not a five-, ten-, or fifteen-step program of changed behavior.

When seeking change in an abusive leader, it must be kept in mind that he or she is deeply deceived.

The heart is deceitful above all things,
and desperately sick;
who can understand it?

Jeremiah 17:9 (ESV)

And this is why abuse advocates have so little confidence in the abusive leader to change.

Have you ever confronted an abuser? Did you see a humble recognition of their wicked heart? Did you see the dawning light in their eyes as they recognized their controlling heart and mean spirit? Did they even two days later come back to you and confess their thoughts of control and domination and ask forgiveness?

I know the answer to those rhetorical questions. At least 99% of the time.

Moral Concern for Others

So, how can transformation take place? How can an abusive leader be changed?

In a recent article by Kevin Brown in “The Dispatch“, the writer hit the nail on the head. Change is not through “thinly constituted reasoning”, as Brown puts it, but through “a story that shapes our moral imagination and directs our lives toward others.”

Brown says,

The Christian tradition has a word for this: discipleship. A call not merely to know what is right, but to become the kind of people who do the right thing. That is, both a desire for the good and the capacity to carry it out.

Real Virtue Has Roots by Kevin Brown

He noted that change in mankind—for good—comes through “discipleship”.

Brown says,

It is our day-to-day roots, not abstract reason, that will cultivate the virtuous life and our moral concern for others.

But discipleship means there is a “follower” who desires to learn from the one discipling him. And this again can be a nail in the coffin of transformation—most abusers don’t see it and so don’t think they need transformation. Why would they seek out discipleship?

The Ultimate Transformer

This is where Christ comes in . . . though He has been there all the time, mind you.

If Christ resurrected, this changes everything. All the maps have been redrawn. The world is upside down. Things are not as they seem. The truth of this story demands, says the hymnist, “my soul, my life, my all.”

Real Virtue Has Roots by Kevin Brown

It is only through Christ that a leader can even develop the desire to seek to know oneself; to know the sin that lies deeply hidden in his soul. To become a disciple.

This is the ultimate way that a leader will change his spots.

Yes, there are ways of seeking accountability: bringing pressure from boards; confrontations; firings; required batterer intervention programs. We have seen leaders seek heart change as a result of these accountability measures.

But ultimately, these only work when Christ chooses to bring pressure, confront, and bring consequences in order to discipline the toxic leader.

For if, because of [Adam’s] trespass, death reigned through that one man, much more will those who receive the abundance of grace and the free gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man Jesus Christ.

Romans 5:17 (ESV)

We must rely upon Christ. Ultimately, transformation is His gift from Jesus Christ to the leader and organization and even the world around the leader.

Blessed is the man whom you discipline, O LORD,
and whom you teach out of your law.

Psalms 94:12 (ESV)

REFERENCE

Brown, Kevin, and Michael Reneau. “Real Virtue Has Roots.” The Dispatch, August 11, 2025. https://thedispatch.com/newsletter/dispatch-faith/virtue-morality-peter-singer-jemel-dunn/.

Ted’s Story: A Band of Brothers

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Ted’s story is hard to even start the telling. His story is a call to the church to be the church.

The brokenness of leadership in his denomination is so overwhelming that you begin to wonder if there is any real church left. Jesus’ church is redeemed and beautiful to Him, yet she so often acts as if she would have nothing to do with Him.

Jesus surely loves His bride, but at times I find that surprising.

Ted’s Story

It began several years ago when a committee was formed in Ted’s denomination’s regional leadership to investigate charges of sexual harassment against one of the pastors.

The committee, that acts a bit like a Grand Jury in the regional grouping of churches, presented a one-page summation of their investigation. They said they found no reason to move towards a trial as there were no strong reasons to suggest the pastor was guilty.

Ted found it strange that the summation said there was no guilt, but the committee provided “pastoral corrections” in the summation due to his “sexual misconduct.” He thought, “If there is no guilt, why would there be corrections to be made in his ministry?”

Ted and others asked for the full report—which was four pages long—but were refused. However, they discovered there had been one woman who acted as an “advisor” to the committee and she had published a “minority opinion.”

That sounded suspicious.

Ted began to speak with others, including women who were connected in some way to the case. In time, he determined he should stand up and be counted, filing a complaint with the regional leadership seeking justice for the women (multiple) who had reported the sexual misconduct.

In addition, he found that there had been multiple reports of impropriety against the pastor for at least five years before.

At this point, he told his wife, Rebecca that three things were going to happen:

  • There was going to be a huge move to exonerate the pastor.
  • He would be accused of having an affair with one of the women the pastor sexually harrassed.
  • It would all end with Ted being charged with something.

The Pastor’s Power Play

Ted’s complaint was refused and so he took it to the “supreme court” of his denomination for a ruling. That “court” upheld his complaint and ordered that a new investigative committee be appointed by the regional leadership.

However, a group of pastors suggested that an independent organization be hired by the regional leadership to investigate the charges. If they followed through, Ted would need to drop his charges against the pastor. He willingly did so that the independent investigators would have a free hand.

However, the regional leadership allowed the acccused pastor to speak at length and he convinced the leadership that the independent organization recommended was untrustworthy. His reason? He argued that they would support the victims.

He suggested that the regional leadership investigate and if they found guilt, then hire the independent group.

The pastor then convinced the leadership to appoint an investigative committee that had two lawyers on it. Then proceeded to convince them to put two lawyers on the committee whom he thought he had wrangled into his camp over the preceeding months.

In the end, his nearly hand-chosen committee found him guilty. But his personal lawyer, from one of the biggest law firms in the state, sought and obtained an immediate cease and desist order from the civil courts and stopped the process.

Contumacy

Men in the regional leadership then suggested bringing the pastor up on charges for his refusal to heed the ruling of the committee called “contumacy” (stubborn refusal to obey or comply with authority). In the rulebook of the denomination it states that a pastor who is found to be guilty of contumacy by the denominational “courts” must repent or be excommunicated.

The pastor wrote a letter that he was amending his lawsuit against parties in the denomination but that he was “not admitting guilt.” Ted stood before the leadership and asked if this was not a clear sign he was unrepentant.

Others rose to suggest that “repentance does not always involve admitting to sin.”

Really?

Ted was livid and suggested that the regional leadership organization be disolved and that their group of churches be melded into another regional grouping of churches because he said, “We will never, ever conduct a fair trial.” He wondered what the use of their regional leadership was if they could not judge fairly.

In the end, the highest court heard the case against the pastor and found him not guilty.

One of the parties involved in the case remarked, “This is a coverup and meant to send a message to the denomination that you never challenge a pastor.”

Band of Brothers

Ted shared with me the story of Mark, a pastor who had incredible influence in the regional leadership. He described him as one of the biggest narcissists he has ever seen. Twenty to thirty people have told him Mark was spiritually abusive.

When another pastor was brought up on charges Mark stood to support him, calling it an “injustice.” Ted was talking to him a year later and asked him about the pastor he had supported. Mark said the accused pastor was one of the worst pastors he had seen. He was “super legalistic, bad with people . . . Mark went on and on,” Ted said.

Ted asked, “Why did you fight his firing?”

Mark told him, “He is a pastor. We can’t allow elders in the churches to rule.”

But, Ted pressed, “He was abusive.” Mark replied, “Oh, I don’t doubt that at all. But we have to protect the regional leadership of pastors. It is a ‘band of brothers,'” referring to the movie by that name.

Ted told me he can point to at least four other cases of charges brought against pastors where the reaction was always to defend the pastor “even when indefensible.”

What Can We Say?

Ted said he has been re-reading “To Kill a Mockingbird” and is finding that someone who seeks justice in his denomination for those under pastoral abuse experience something akin to African Americans in the 50s.

It begins to look like Jesus before the Sanhedrin where the highest Jewish court repeatedly broke their own rules due to their own bias and blindness. Finding an innocent Jesus guilty; while drowning in His blood.

Or the leaders of Israel during the time of Ezekiel when the Lord calls them to account for their wicked leadership:

The weak you have not strengthened, the sick you have not healed, the injured you have not bound up, the strayed you have not brought back, the lost you have not sought, and with force and harshness you have ruled them. So they were scattered, because there was no shepherd, and they became food for all the wild beasts. My sheep were scattered. . . Ezekiel 34:4-5 (ESV)

The sheep are scattering. Much like Aaron’s warning.

When the leadership of God’s people reject His unmistakeable teaching to humbly serve His children, there will be unmeasurable harm done to the Church.

Ted’s story should be a clarion call to church leadership:

Repent or suffer the fate that you so desperately are trying to stave off—the scattering of God’s people.

How in the World

I asked Ted how in the world he has stood strong in the midst of all the attacks he has faced.

Ted noted that all three of the predictions he made to Rebecca have proven true.

  • As noted above, there was a huge movement to protect the erring pastor.
  • Ted was indeed accused of having an affair with one of the women who came forward to report the pastor’s sexual misconduct—even though Ted has only actually see her and the other women who reported maybe five times.
  • And charges have been filed against him in the church courts that he is currently battling.

Ted told me he has found solace and strength in three things:

  • Ted said his wife has been amazing. She has been his support and encouragement all along.
  • He enjoys a cohort of other pastors and Ted said they “have been rock solid friends through it all.” They have helped him write complaints, checked in on him periodically, and prayed with him often.
  • He sought out a Christian counselor. At one particular point the counselor suggested two things:
    1. Find an EMDR counselor as soon as possible. Ted said, “That has been huge.” This type of treatment for trauma has been incredibly helpful to many victims of abuse. See Bessel van der Kolk’s book here.
    2. And surprisingly the counselor suggested he find a Brazilian jiu jitsu gym. Ted said, “It was the greatest thing I have done.” He was amazed that the others in the club were so supportive of each other. He noted, “When there is a new guy, the advanced one’s job is to help him by submitting to him in the wrestling, showing him how to win.” He added, “If you try to hurt others, you will be kicked out of the gym immediately.”

I really was amazed by Ted’s mental and spiritual health despite all he has gone through.

Quite frankly, I cannot imagine being where he is if I had suffered all he has to advocate for victims of such horrendous leadership.

Change Agents: Who Will Stand Up?

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In John 9 Jesus healed a man who was blind from birth and the religious leaders, who were deeply intimidated by Jesus, wanted to squash the Lord’s ministry. They demean both Jesus—saying he is a sinner—and the man, accusing him of following an outlier—not Moses whom they followed.

The leaders ridiculed the man by saying, “We know that God has spoken to Moses, but as for this man [Jesus], we do not know where he comes from.” As the big men—respected leaders—this statement was intended to marginalize the healed man, placing him outside their camp. They were in effect saying that the blind man’s healer was not worthy even of their notice.

But the healed man is quick on his feet and answered them, “Why, this is an amazing thing! You do not know where he comes from, and yet he opened my eyes.” He did not allow himself to be made insignificant in their eyes.

The man went on to reason quite effectively with these leaders showing he was not intimidated by them. Psychologists call this self-differentiation, a term that sums up Jesus’ own approach to his people—compassionate and empathic towards them but not controlled by them.

The Difference between the Man and His Parents

However, there is a distinct difference between the man born blind and his parents. Where he was unwilling to be intimidated by the religious leaders, his parents were clearly frightened by them. The Jews, when they heard about this miracle at the hands of Jesus, went to his parents and asked them about Jesus. The Jews did not believe a miracle had taken place.

Scripture tells us his parents answered them saying:

“We know that this is our son and that he was born blind. 21 But how he now sees we do not know, nor do we know who opened his eyes. Ask him; he is of age. He will speak for himself.” 22 (His parents said these things because they feared the Jews, for the Jews had already agreed that if anyone should confess Jesus to be Christ, he was to be put out of the synagogue.)

John 9:20-23 (ESV)

Fear of Loss

This is the story of so many who are intimidated by leaders. Followers who fear loss can be easily manipulated. It is how toxic leaders retain their authority over others.

Where a good and godly leader—who respects his subordinates and wisely encourages their talents and skills—will gain the respect and honor from subordinates, a toxic leader will use his followers’ fears to control them for his own ends.

The only way for toxic leaders—who bring destruction on churches, organizations, governments, and businesses—to be eradicated is by people like the man born blind. These are the people who recognize that they are made in the image of God and therefore of much greater value than the leader acknowledges.

These change agents are the ones who refuse to fear consequences that may indeed come. The consequences of standing up to powerful people can be devastating. They know that in standing up they might lose their job, their respect in the community, family, or financial support.

But, to these change agents, these things are not worth the coddling of a wicked leader.

I am Not that Man

I say this like I am that man. But I am most certainly not that man.

When we left our mission agency, we waited until we were half way around the world to write to the board of directors. We had left our job; our children were free from their school; we had gotten clear of their ability to do any real damage.

Others may actually have much greater courage. In this writing I want to encourage them. They are the true change agents.

Jeanie’s Story: Shepherding Abuse Survivors Takes Wisdom

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It wasn’t long after the honeymoon that Jeanie began suffering from her husband Richard’s lack of care for his family and she suffered for nearly thirteen years from sexual abuse in their bedroom.

Richard, for the full length of their nearly 20 year marriage, refused to help with either childrearing or household needs. Over the years, Jeanie said she began to only ask for help when it was something she was unable to do. Then, in time, she began asking friends and neighbors when it was too hard for her because he would rarely respond to her requests at all.

Basically, my husband’s duty around the house became little more than to go to his regular job and bring home a paycheck and if I relied on him for more than that, it was overwhelming to him and anxiety producing for me.

Jeanie

She accounted for Richard’s bedroom manner—and her response—to teaching in the church that created an unhealthy sexual relationship. She said they both believed that the husband’s “sexual satisfaction” was primary and her needs were of no real consequence.

This view is not uncommon and comes from a misinterpretation of 1 Corinthians:

The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

1 Corinthians 7:3-5

1 Corinthians 7 is often misunderstood as explaining that the wife must give the husband sexual pleasure whenever he wants it. But, that is not what it says.

If you understand it within the context of mutual love and submission that is taught throughout Scripture, choices in the bedroom—like in every area of life as a family—should be made selflessly. That includes the husband whose desires may be driven by his own selfish desires with no interest in serving his wife’s—who may or may not have the “drive” he has.

Note how Paul makes it very clear that both spouses have authority over the other’s body. It is not one-sided and the husband has just as much responsibility to respond to the wife’s desires as she to his. 

After so many years of neglect and abuse, Jeanie said, “I began to struggle heavily with guilt, anxiety, insomnia, migraines and memory loss.” She had sought over the years to “win him without a word” but her “lived experience was that was completely ineffective.”

1 Peter 3:1 is helpful in some marital situations: It specifically speaks to marriage to an unbelieving husband. But it is not helpful in cases of abuse. An abusive husband does not have the humility to see the evil of their actions—he will justify and shift the blame. A wife’s humble submission simply means he has control and can do anything he wants with her.

The marriage had been so traumatizing to her, she knew she needed to get help and possibly a divorce.

Richard had refused counseling over and over and so she had gone by herself. He was not interested in making changes for the good of the marriage.

Elder Failures

Jeanie sought out the help of friends and her pastors’ wives. Their advice was consistently that she just give Richard more sex.

Jeanie had joined a support group and described hers and Richard’s sexual encounters. “The trauma counselor and other group members immediately began telling me I had been sexually abused.” She was beginning to understand that Richard’s forcing of sex was abusive and she was not willing to allow that.

She finally reached out to the Senior Pastor, Andy. The board of elders and pastors were going to discuss their “case” and she wrote to Andy explaining,

I, a woman who has been sexually traumatized, will be discussed by a room full of men, many of whom I do not or barely know, and they will consider the most intimate and hurtful events of my life, so that they can judge whether or not I have a right to be free from that. And what if they decide I don’t? Worse, what if they decide Richard is the one with grounds? Then I am being told that my needs don’t matter and that my feelings are illegitimate. I know that is not your intention, but it is sadly what my broken heart will hear, and I will feel violated all over again.

Jeanie

One elder contacted Richard—a common approach to marital difficulties but a horrible response in cases of abuse if the victim has not given permission—and was both manipulated by Richard and caused a ramping up of Richard’s abusive behavior at home.

Jeanie encouraged the elders to get training in abuse because, though they showed some compassion and kindness to start with, their handling of her years of suffering was wholly inadequate. However, they did not see the need.

Strange Response

The elders, instead of seeking to understand abuse and respond in ways that would be helpful and shepherding instead disciplined Jeanie.

After meeting, the elders told Jeanie that she should refrain from taking Communion and step down from her position on the music worship team for six months. There was nothing written down, it was not explained, and after about five months the restrictions were raised with no explanation of what had been accomplished.

As Jeanie and I talked, it became evident that the elders’ actions amounted to “disciplining” Jeanie and yet nothing was ever done to bring accountability to Richard. At some point one elder told Jeanie that they had sought to “disciple” —meet to train and encourage—Richard, but he never completed the assignments given to him.

He was not interested in caring for his family or Jeanie . . . only getting what he could in the bedroom.

But Jeanie was told she was the sinner by the elder board’s actions—she needed to refrain from the means of grace in the church (communion) and stop using her gifts for the edification of the body.

Jeanie told me, “I am probably seen as a trouble maker. They think I went off the deep end and divorced my husband. They criticized me for having a crisis of faith and I wouldn’t have if they had not done the things they did.”

Divorce

Secondly, the board of elders believed they needed to investigate and determine the legitimacy of her seeking a divorce. She was warned that if they did not approve of it, she would be unable to marry again—at least in that church.

The perspective that the elders have this kind of power is not an uncommon view in many denominations. However, there are some biblical questions in regards to this view.

In 1 Timothy 5 there are extended instructions for Timothy, a young elder in Ephesus. Here Paul gives Timothy directions for both the elders and congregation in relation to elders. At no point does he suggest that the elders are called to rule in such a way as to bind the consciences of congregant members.

There is a distinct emphasis in New Testament eldership on teaching and Gospel proclamation. It emphasizes careful teaching that does not go beyond the clarity of the Word. The elders are responsible to be good and gracious shepherds, not authoritarian, power-hungry rulers.

  • The congregation in Antioch sent financial aid to the Judean elders (because of a famine that was foretold) by the hands of the Apostles (Acts 11:29-30)
  • In Acts 15, the elders and Apostles in Jerusalem debated the issue of circumcision for new Gentile believers. They sent a letter saying, “Abstain from what has been sacrificed to idols, and from blood, and from what has been strangled, and from sexual immorality.” (Acts 15:28-29) This was a very careful and limited response that pulled back from legalistic proclamations.
  • The Apostles went from city to city to provide instructions to the congregations. (Acts 16:4)
  • Paul tells the Ephesian elders: “Pay careful attention to yourselves and to all the flock, in which the Holy Spirit has made you overseers, to care for the church of God, which he obtained with his own blood.” (Acts 20:27-28)
  • After giving the personal qualifications for an elder, Paul says to Titus, “He must hold firm to the trustworthy word as taught, so that he may be able to give instruction in sound doctrine and also to rebuke those who contradict it.” (Titus 1:9) Note “sound doctrine”, not legalistic control.

In Jeanie’s case, the elders, who refused to learn about the dynamics of the sin of abuse, overstepped their calling in Scripture by “disciplining” Jeanie and failed by omission to call Richard to living the Gospel in his marriage and family.

A Proposal

I understand the perspective that Jeanie’s elders have. I am part of a similar elder board.

However, just as an elder board should, without hesitation, provide “permission” —in the form of teaching and individual direction—for the offended spouse to divorce in the case of adultery without laying shame upon the victim in anyway for taking that step, so should they give that permission in the cases of desertion (1 Cor. 7:15).

Considering the instructions in the case law of the Old Testament (Ex. 21:10-11), the victim in an abusive marriage should be given every bit of leeway for physical and emotional provision. Our Lord despises oppressive behavior of any sort and elder boards must be found by the Lord on the side of oppressed.

In addition, it is helpful for an elder board to remember that their congregation is indwelled by the Holy Spirit and that as the elders instruct, they must rely upon the Holy Spirit to teach and convince their hearers of truth—in humility recognizing they could be wrong in their application of Scripture. The binding of a congregant’s conscience is a very serious thing. Laying undue burdens on the sheep was the practice of the Pharisees—who are roundly condemned by Jesus—and for which modern day cults are notorious (Luke 11:46).

Recommendations

After seeing cases like Jeanie’s over and over, I would make the following recommendations to elder boards and church leadership:

  • Get trained in responding to abuse. There are a number of organizations who can provide this training including Refuge Ministries of North America—see the organization’s website in Resources.
  • Receive the complaint of an abusive marriage, believing the victim.
    • Recognize that investigating abuse can be dangerous to the victim—the offender may become more abusive and dangerous as he is challenged.
    • And abusive individuals are often very manipulative and can confuse investigators and completely fool them.
  • Help the complainant understand the Scripture’s teaching on divorce—allowed for adultery (Matt. 5:32) and desertion (1 Cor. 7:15—in principle when a spouse neglects his family or is abusive).
  • Give support and permission to the reporting victim for his or her decision regarding seeking a divorce.

I do not consider these absolutes, but elder boards often are black and white in their thinking and shepherding practices whereas Scripture is not. Shepherding is difficult and takes a significant amount of wisdom.

If you are a leader in the church, please consider seeking training to be a safe place for those who are vulnerable and oppressed.

Saul’s False Apology: Seeking Repentance from an Abuser

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https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/kelly-dehnert/episodes/Sauls-False-Apology-Seeking-Repentance-from-an-Abuser-e2lv4gg

Recently, a survivor of domestic violence shared an apology letter her abuser had written to her. It sounded pretty good.

But, as most who have dealt with an abuser, she was not taken in by the carefully chosen sweet words.

In 1st Samuel 26 we see a false apology by King Saul.

Then Saul said, “I have sinned. Return, my son David, for I will no more do you harm, because my life was precious in your eyes this day. Behold, I have acted foolishly, and have made a great mistake.”

1 Samuel 26:21

Saul had been chasing David seeking to kill him. In this passage, David has snuck up on King Saul, giving David the opportunity to end the chase by killing Saul. But rather than killing Saul, he gave him opportunity to repent of his evil.

Saul seems deeply moved by David’s grace and admits he acted foolishly.

Sounds good, but it is a much harder thing to say, “I envied you, David. I had hatred in my heart for you. I desired your death.”

Each of the italicized words are heart words. They are the spring from which grow the evil fruit we all produce. These come from the heart; and what I mean by heart is the whole of the inner man—cognitive and emotive.

But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person. For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander.

Matthew 15:18-19 (ESV)

Out of the depths of man come the evil we act upon.

So, when an apology is made for actions that have crushed others, it is appropriate for the apology to give attention to from where that evil action came. “I was chasing you, David because I was envious and hateful.”

“I was harsh with my Assistant Pastor because I envied his skills.”

The Difficulty of Real Apologies

The reason we don’t hear real apologies is because it is very hard to give them.

To bring our inner evil to light just takes too much humility and self-awareness. Imagine an abusive leader whose entitlement and power is so much of their substance and identity; how can they humbly admit to such wickedness?

It is difficult for the average Joe. Just imagine how difficult it is for the one who is so unwilling to dive deeply into his own heart and air out the stench contained there.

It is interesting, as you read on in 1st Samuel; David is not taken in by Saul’s apology. The text goes on to record David’s thoughts:

“Now I shall perish one day by the hand of Saul. There is nothing better for me than that I should escape to the land of the Philistines.”

1 Samuel 27:1

There is more than one place where David shows his insight to Saul’s wickedness. I wrote earlier about how Jonathan—Saul’s son—was taken in by Saul’s apologies. But David is not.

What Are We to Do?

There is One Who is omniscient—the Lord God Almighty. He knows the heart—the whole inner being of man—and He knows whether or not an apology is truly from the heart.

Because of that, we must not make judgments beyond what is clearly evident. Though we make judgments of the heart on a regular basis—our laws are in part based on them (1st degree murder as opposed to manslaughter) —it is something we must do carefully and with good evidence in hand. Yes, we can logically assume when someone does great evil, that since great evil comes out of the heart, there is great evil intended.

Yet, because there can be unintended evil actions and therefore, not coming from evil intent, we cannot ultimately be perfect judges of inner character. We are not omniscient and do not fully see the inner man.

Give it Time

Therefore I recommend the following perspectives to those who have received apologies from their toxic leader:

  1. It might be true,
  2. or it might be false,
  3. we are not omniscient,
  4. so it does not change anything,
  5. and to know the answer to 1) or 2) it takes time for the fruit of repentance to be evident.

Numbers one, two, and three are obvious; it is only God who knows the heart and so we cannot ultimately—in this life—know if an apology is truly true or not. Though Scripture makes clear that Christians may make some judgments based on the outward works of others (Matt. 12:33-37), it also makes clear we must be very, very careful doing so (Jam. 4:12).

We must not claim omniscience.

So, an apology initially does not really change anything.

We do not know for certain that the abusive individual is truly confessing his sin or simply trying to manipulate his victims, those to whom they are accountable, and/or onlookers. So, we must continue to press forward with what we believe the LORD is calling us to do in the meantime.

Leaders should not be placed back on their platform until their apparent repentance becomes true repentance. That takes time; so give it time.

Because we do not know the heart of the abuser, and we have suffered great harm, it is acting responsibly to be wary of their confession. It is certainly reasonable to accept it as given, while unnecessary to proclaim they have repented and place ourselves under their control prematurally.

Get to a safe place, and give it time for the fruit of repentance to be evident—or not.

Fret Not for Vindication: Be Still and Wait Patiently

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Those of us who have faced abusive leadership in the home or workplace know the ever-present desire for validation and vindication. We want others to stand beside us, seeing our hurt, and for the abusive individual to be judged—in either God’s court or human courts.

Like the writers of many of the psalms in Scripture, we can go a long time waiting for either of these outcomes.

King David knew the hatred of men. He spoke of a close friend whose

speech was smooth as butter,
yet war was in his heart;
his words were softer than oil,
yet they were drawn swords.

Psalms 55:21 (ESV)

That one who was intimate with him—he shared in “sweet counsel” with him—was deceptive and hateful.

I am sure that David wanted immediate wrath. He wanted justice done. And yet, he wrote a psalm that pushes pause.

Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way,
over the man who carries out evil devices!
8 Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath!
Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil.
9 For the evildoers shall be cut off,
but those who wait for the LORD shall inherit the land.

Psalms 37:7-9 (ESV)1

Be still.

Fret not.

Refrain from anger.

Wait for the LORD.

It is evident in the psalm that the victim of the wicked will have his day. “. . . there is a future for the man of peace.” But, “transgressors shall be altogether destroyed; the future of the wicked shall be cut off.”

Vindication will come, but now is a time of patience and stillness. We are called to refrain from the debilitating curse of stewing in anger and trust the LORD, who will judge with righteousness.

Not an Easy Task

But of course, saying it does not make it so.

Whoever wrote Psalm 119 knew this:

How long must your servant endure?
When will you judge those who persecute me?

Psalms 119:84 (ESV)

How long? When?

There is no need to beat yourself up over the feelings of hurt, distrust, and impatience. God’s people have from time past suffered the same feelings of dispair. Some of that hurt is encapsalated in God’s Word as an example to us.

Where to Turn

The same writer of Psalms 119 tells us in every verse (except one) that we turn to His Word—in New Testament fulfillment, Jesus—for the healing of those hurts and the patience to endure.

My soul melts away for sorrow;
strengthen me according to your word!

Psalms 119:28 (ESV)

I am melting. But I am God’s child. I am blessed with all the heavenly blessings (Eph. 1:3).

Though I do not feel it at the moment, I know it to be true because Jesus told me so. I can rest in His promise, though I cannot see ten feet in front of me.

Even though the board of directors ignores my plea to bring accountability to the CEO. Even though the church elders do not see the abuse the pastor is heaping upon his flock. Even though the judge fails to take into account the damage my husband has been inflicting upon my soul.

Jesus loves His little children . . . and His justice will prevail.

Be still.

Fret not.

Wait on the LORD.

For the evildoers shall be cut off, but those who wait for the LORD shall inherit the land.

NOTES

  1. For those of you interested in further study in Psalm 37, this is a very good article on the Hebrew of Psalm 37 passed on by a friend of Pearls and Swine: https://tyndalehouse.com/explore/articles/reading-the-psalms-in-hebrew/ ↩︎

Job’s Counselors: The Misuse of Spiritual Influence

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For many the book of Job in the Bible is a pandora’s box of interpretive difficulty.

If you are a black-and-white thinker, it is difficult to read, I imagine.

But Job is a very good place to go to understand more clearly how the counseling of victims of abuse in the home, workplace, or church has gone seriously wrong.

It is helpful to know the beginning and the end before wading into the middle.

In the story of Job—who was horribly tried by Satan at the approval of the LORD—moans in the agony of having lost all his children, his means of income, and is suffering terrible physical ailments.

In the end, his friends are called to account for their poor—sinful—counsel of Job.

So, now we wade into the middle. Because of Job’s suffering, his spiritual counselors are laying one guilt trip after another on him.

In their black-and-white thinking, they believe God blesses those who live righteously and curses those who break His laws. Because Job—who had been richly blessed prior to Satan’s destruction—is suffering horribly, his counselors think he must be cursed by God and therefore he must be living in sin.

Trial = Sin

This is not unfounded in Scripture and why some in their black-and-white beliefs grab and go with it in their thinking and counseling.

In Deuteronomy 28, Moses lays before God’s people the blessings for obedience and curses for disobedience.

For those who obey the LORD:

Blessed shall you be in the city, and blessed shall you be in the field. 4 Blessed shall be the fruit of your womb and the fruit of your ground and the fruit of your cattle, the increase of your herds and the young of your flock. 5 Blessed shall be your basket and your kneading bowl. 6 Blessed shall you be when you come in, and blessed shall you be when you go out . . . etc.
Deuteronomy 28:3-6 (ESV)

For those who disobey:

Cursed shall you be in the city, and cursed shall you be in the field. 17 Cursed shall be your basket and your kneading bowl . . . etc.
Deuteronomy 28:16-17 (ESV)

It Isn’t So Clear

I use the terms “black-and-white” in a negative way, because when it comes to blessings and curses, Scripture is not as clear on this topic as Deuteronomy 28 would lead you to believe.

It is indeed true that those who reject the LORD in unbelief and arrogance are cursed. But that curse may largely be seen in the judgment they face at the end of life for their rejection of their Creator, not in the middle. This idea is apparent in the story of Lazarus and the rich man (Luke 16:19f) and in multiple places in the Proverbs.

Jesus tells a parable in Luke 16 about the rich man and Lazarus:

“There was a rich man who was clothed in purple and fine linen and who feasted sumptuously every day. 20 And at his gate was laid a poor man named Lazarus, covered with sores, 21 who desired to be fed with what fell from the rich man’s table. Moreover, even the dogs came and licked his sores. 22 The poor man died and was carried by the angels to Abraham’s side. The rich man also died and was buried, 23 and in Hades, being in torment, he lifted up his eyes and saw Abraham far off and Lazarus at his side.”

Luke 16:19-23 (ESV)

Notice that the rich man, who rejected his God, lived a life of sumptuous feasting every day. On the other hand, Lazarus was a poor man. Yet, the rich man ends up in Hell and Lazarus in Heaven.

We see in Proverbs:

Better is a poor man who walks in his integrity
than a rich man who is crooked in his ways.
Proverbs 28:6 (ESV)

Deuteronomy would lead us to believe—if we don’t look anywhere else—that the “poor” —therefore the suffering—is walking in sin rather than “integrity,” yet Proverbs 28 suggests that it is the “rich man” who is “crooked” —living in sin. How did he get “blessed” if he was disobedient?

But that is the flow of Scripture. There are proverbial statements that in this life are generally true, but the end of the story is where it all leads. The wicked, unbelieving rich man will end up in torment when his life is ended, but torment will possibly only be when that end of life judgment comes.

And conversely, the poor—unblessed in the world’s eyes—will face many trials in this life but in his faithfulness to the LORD be blessed abundently in the judgment. His poverty is not necessarily because of disobedience as we consider the whole of Scripture.

This brings me to Job’s counselors.

Worm Theology

At one point, Bildad, one of Job’s “friends” who was counseling him when he in torment, explained to Job that in his sin, man is a “maggot” or a “worm.”

4 How then can man be in the right before God?
How can he who is born of woman be pure?
5 Behold, even the moon is not bright,
and the stars are not pure in his eyes;
6 how much less man, who is a maggot,
and the son of man, who is a worm!”
Job 25:4-6

In the sense that we are deeply depraved as sinful human beings, wandering about in rebellion and foolishness, Bildad was right. Some complain about “worm theology” but there is biblical truth in it when considering our deep brokenness. Romans 3:9-13 confirms this understanding of man’s depravity.

However, Job’s counselors—not just Bildad—came at Job from a Deuteronomy 28 theology, not a full-on-biblical theology of suffering. This is how many counselors of abuse victims approach those victims. They look for the “fault” in the victim that brought the horrible treatment. They seek to “help” the victim see their own sin and turn from it. They can’t believe a Christian leader could be so sinful as to lie, manipulate, and intentionally crush those under their care.

Abuse is Never the Fault of the Abused

However, these judgments are beyond the purview of biblical counseling.

First of all, abuse victims are never at fault. If the counselor understands the roots of abuse, they will understand that victims never bring it on, but rather the abuser will simply abuse because it is in his heart.

In addition, there are professing Christians who are very depraved and cause incredible destruction.

They will coerce and control in order to fulfill their entitlement in this life. Often they get away with it like the rich man who got his wealth through evil. It seems like they can’t lose, especially to the victim as she sits helplessly by watching the abusive leader convince the board, friends, and stakeholders that he is the good guy in this scenario.

When you receive reports of abuse from a friend, co-worker, or congregant member listen carefully. Stay clear of Christian platitudes like, “You need to give grace. We are all worms and he needs grace just like you do.”

Abuse is not normal relational conflict between husband and wife, boss and subordinate, pastor and deacon, or teacher and student. The conflict is in the heart of the abuser. And never because of the victim’s sin.

Real Change: Peter and Abuse

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As I read 1st Peter I was struck by how helpful his words should be to those who are abusive or have tendencies to be controlling, manipulative, and entitled. Those who struggle with these attitudes and behaviors need to take Peter’s words to heart.

Though there is much detailed work to be done in the text, I want to primarily get to the big picture of Peter’s first chapter, moving into the second.

Paul and Peter are both great at giving us in their writing, by inspiration of the Holy Spirit, the big, beautiful picture first and then moving into the detail of living for Jesus next. They like to provide the “indicatives” first and “imperatives” next, while returning to the indicatives to re-emphasize our place in God’s world and all He has done for us.

They want us to know who we are first and then what we are to do with that knowledge next.

Imperishable

In verse three Peter begins with a beautiful doxology to God’s kindness to his people—those of us who have trusted in his kindness. He has done the work of saving us. He has given us new birth by the raising of Jesus from the dead.

That will never, ever go away. It is unfading . . . it is “imperishable,” he says.

Peter says, even as we go through difficult times—these Christians were going to or were facing great persecutions according to commentators—we can rejoice knowing Jesus wins!

Time for Action

As we come to 1:13, Peter begins to lay before us the call to action that results from this Good News.

It is time to take action. And ultimately this action takes place in the very depths of our soul. It is not simply outward behavior but a complete change of our inward man—mind and heart.

Here Peter quotes, as others in scripture quote, from Leviticus 11:44: “You shall be holy, for I am holy.”

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Some would take this to be “acting good.” And in fact, this is where the abuser lives and breathes. He puts on an act for his church friends and leadership that he is righteous. But deep down, and for those who are under his authority, he breathes fire and hatred and control.

Peter doesn’t allow for this. Though he begins this passage with what sounds like outward appearances, he doesn’t stay there. He moves forward, digging down deep within our hearts.

22 Having purified your souls by your obedience to the truth for a sincere brotherly love, love one another earnestly from a pure heart . . .

Notice the terms Peter uses: sincere, love, pure heart. Every one of those terms involves the inner man, not simply outward behavior. He has talked about “conducting” ourselves which is decidedly behavioral.

But he doesn’t stop there.

Not An Act

In Greek, sincere means “unfeigned.” It is not an act but what we really desire. We are not handing a cup of water out while thinking to ourselves, “I can’t stand this guy.”

Abusive leaders are almost always acting a part. They desire to look good to the watching world. This is why reporting (whisteblowing) is nearly always difficult and often unproductive. Those who hear the report rarely believe it. What they have seen and heard is that the pastor, manager, CEO, or coordinator is wonderful and has a heart of gold. He is skilled at his job. He radiates goodness.

This is what makes Jesus’ use of the term “white-washed tombs” so apropos. The tomb looks good on the outside with newly painted walls, but inside it is rotting fresh. So too, the toxic leader.

Put Away All Evil

All of this is driving to chapter 2 where Peter says,

So put away all malice and all deceit and hypocrisy and envy and all slander.

1 Peter 2:1

Put away all the evil. If you abuse your authority—authority given by God to be used for his glory and other’s good—it is time to repent. Let’s look at these words Peter uses.

  • Malice: “Ill-will, desire to injure.” Maybe from jealousy (see below) or competitivesness you are seeking the downfall of someone subordinate or senior. You desire their demise.
  • Deceit: You are faking it. You don’t really care about those under your care or ministry even though you say you do. You just want to be in control and the top dog. In order to hold your place of prominence or to get ahead you lie and act.
  • Hypocrisy: “The acting of a stage player.” Closely related to deceit, you are acting one way while your heart is in another place. You maybe even use some outward humility if it gets you some attention for which you deeply long. But inside it is just an act.
  • Envy: You are not so much concerned about God’s glory but rather your own. When others get some attention, you seek to diminish it rather than encourage it. The narcissist runs on this.
  • Slander: This is your means of getting all that glory. “The act of damaging the good character of someone.” You tear them down; put them in their place. You explain, “She just isn’t that committed to the organization.” That way you look better and she must be lying about your toxicity.

If these describe your leadership “style,” it’s time to confess that you are a white-washed tomb.

It is time to do the difficult work of self-awareness; to ask the lord to show you how you have taken his good gifts and used them to destroy and hurt others rather than build up (Ephesians 4:11-13).

Unfortunately, the vast majority of toxic leaders will not listen to Peter, Paul, Jesus, or anyone but themselves. But, if any of this rings true to you of your heart, you are on the road to “recovery” having the humility it takes to repent.

Jesus seeks such ones as these to mold into the leaders He desires in His kingdom.