Monthly Archives: June 2021

Sweet Vindication [of God]

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I wrote a blog a couple years ago that described my frustration at seeing the online praise and honor given to a toxic leader of a Christian organization. He had died and he was praised on social media by several who knew his toxic leadership.

I was frustrated by the lack of vindication. I had suffered under his ungodly leadership and I felt isolated. Quite frankly, I would have prefered having those same people explaining his toxic leadership on social media.

My friends contacted me soon after that blog to apologize for their honoring of this toxic leader.

In addition, In just a short time, I have witnessed (not on the spot, mind you) the burning down of one church, the flooding of another, and death of another tormentor (ministry leader). The two churches were those who had horribly mistreated sexual abuse victims and supported their perpetrators.

Ah, vindication.

Today I was reading in Psalm 54 and got another take on this by the Holy Spirit impressing upon me God’s vindication. I was deeply challenged for the attitudes I have had.

Psalm 54 says “strangers have risen up against me.” But David, the composer, says,

Behold, God is my helper;
the Lord is the upholder of my life.
He will return the evil to my enemies;
in your faithfulness put an end to them.

Psalm 54:4-5 (ESV)

I was struck by David’s confidence that the Lord would “return the evil” to his enemies.

A question came to mind: Will that “evil” God returns to my enemies be in this life (through trials and tribulations), the end of their life, or simply in the final judgment? He says, in faithfulness, he will “put an end to them.”

I wondered if the end of those who attack God’s people is consistently a horrible end? Maybe they will suffer financial disaster. Or flooding and fire. Or broken relationships with those close to them. Or some particularly difficult death?

Asaph certainly didn’t think so:

For I was envious of the arrogant
when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.
For they have no pangs until death;
their bodies are fat and sleek.
They are not in trouble as others are;
they are not stricken like the rest of mankind.

Psalm 73:3-5 (ESV)

Whether or not God judges these people, who are set against God’s children, by bringing visible hurt upon them in this life or not, there will be vindication for His people according to David in Psalm 54.

I felt badly that others had praised my tormentor (ministry leader) but David, in Psalm 54, showed me that my vindication comes by God’s hand. I need not see it through man’s judgment. And certainly not on social media! I can rest in forgiveness knowing that God will either bring my oppressor around to repentance or bring him to the grave to face eternal fire or a cleansing of glory (if a true believer).

I will be vindicated…but it will be by the Lord.

David’s words are freeing. They set free my captive heart to see the vindication I so desire. I can lay my head down knowing that it matters not in what form that vindication comes. My God, the Creator of the Universe, is on my side because I am His child.

And He will bring His justice to pass…either by convincing the abuser of his wickedness or bringing him well-earned justice.

God’s vindication is just right.

Rest, oh anxious heart.

Enabling Abusers: Saul and the Ziphites

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Saul was just like the other kings. Israel had asked for one. And they got one.

He was a rotten leader. Often we downplay his wicked leadership.

Psalm 54 is described as a song that David wrote when he was ratted out by the Ziphites when Saul was hot on his tail. David, God’s anointed king to replace Saul, had been Saul’s greatest supporter. But when Saul began to see David’s popularity for being such a gifted warrior—abilities David used for the purpose of supporting King Saul—Saul’s wickedness became evident.

David had no intention, we are told, to replace Saul. He had multiple opportunities to stage a coup, killing Saul, and rise to the throne. Yet, he said,

“The LORD forbid that I should do this thing to my lord, the LORD’S anointed, to put out my hand against him, seeing he is the LORD’S anointed.”

1 Samuel 24:6 (ESV)

But Saul, nonetheless, pursues David to murder him. Saul even had priests of the Lord murdered because they helped David, even though they did not know David was on the outs with Saul. When accused by Saul of colluding with David, the priest Ahimelech said to King Saul,

“And who among all your servants is so faithful as David, who is the king’s son-in-law, and captain over your bodyguard, and honored in your house?“

1 Samuel 22:14 (ESV)

The servant is to point to the master. And, David did just that. Ahimelech explained that David was faithful to Saul. He was his right-hand man. David, in essence, glorified Saul, his king.

And yet, Saul had all the priests killed.

Enabling Abusive Leadership

Then Saul comes to the Ziphites. From David’s own tribe, yet they are all too happy to turn David in to Saul, enabling the abusive king.

Then the Ziphites went up to Saul at Gibeah, saying, “Is not David hiding among us in the strongholds at Horesh, on the hill of Hachilah, which is south of Jeshimon? Now come down, O king, according to all your heart’s desire to come down, and our part shall be to surrender him into the king’s hand.”

Then check out what Saul said to them:

And Saul said, “May you be blessed by the LORD, for you have had compassion on me.”

1 Samuel 23:19-21 (ESV)

Matthew Henry comments on Saul’s words, “Saul affected to speak the language of piety. Such expressions, without suitable effects, can only amuse or deceive those who hear, and those who use them.”

Saul puts lovely religious language on his abuse. “You had compassion on me.”

In the book, “A Church Called Tov,” Barringer says, 

"Rather than accepting responsibility and apologizing for sin, pastors and church leaders may create false victimization narratives in which everything is reversed and the perpetrators of sexual violence become the victims."[1]

“Poor me,” Saul is saying. “I am the one who has been treated badly.”

Hear the abuse ringing through? Saul is a manipulative and wicked man. He was what the people asked for – a king like the other nations. Rather than appreciating and building up his right hand man, David, who did so much for Israel, Saul is paranoid of him and seeks to kill him.

Saul is a fool and an evil man.

A Bible Study on the Kings of Israel
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Unfortunately, this is not unusual.

Twice recently I have watched as two women have suffered under their abusive husbands as their pastors continue to support their abuser. It is all too common in Christian organizations for the same thing to happen with toxic bosses.

Like the Ziphites, the board, other managers, or even other co-workers continue to enable the leader in his abuse.

And the abuser just puts on the religious charm and others are overcome with empathy for his plight.

Just like Saul. And his enablers.

NOTES:

[1] Barringer, Laura McKnight . A Church Called Tov: Forming a Goodness Culture That Resists Abuses of Power and Promotes Healing (p. 65). Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.. Kindle Edition.

Saving a Relationship | Job with an Abuser

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Every encounter with abuse is both common and unique. How abusers respond to the confrontation of those who love them enough to exhort and admonish them will depend on the depth of their self-absorption and psychopathy. Their idolatry of self.

Do you want to regain a relationship (reconciliation) with an abuser? Are you seeking to save your job or your marriage?

In this short blog, I would like to synthesize the wisdom of many who have worked with abusers and their targets.

This is a clarion call that the only way a relationship with an abuser will be saved is through his repentance.

And repentance comes from being held accountable through a consistent meting out of consequences for his abuse.

I have found that the experts consistently advise that abusers must face consequences for their abuse if they are to repent and be transformed.

Those who are in a position to bring consequences to abusers need to remember that though if feels “unloving” to drop the hammer, it is an act of loving discipline to help them see their sin and turn from it. Ben Marshall, a well-known abuse counselor, notes that Jesus used his most direct and accusatory communication with abusive authorities (Jn. 8:7, Matt. 9:36).

Jesus held the line.

Some Guidelines

Here are some guidelines regarding common mistakes that do the opposite of bringing accountability for the wickedness of abuse:

  • Marriage or Group Counseling: No one in an abusive marriage should be in joint counseling with their abuser.

It causes further trauma because the abuser uses it to control and manipulate both the target and the counselor. If the target makes note of any of the abuse they are suffering during a session, it is common that she will pay for it following the counseling.

Rather, the abuser needs to be in batterer’s counseling. He needs to be counseled by someone who has done the hard work of researching and learning about abuse. Abuse is not marital difficulties on steroids. It is a category unto itself.

  • Reconciliation: It can only come through very evident and long-standing repentance by the abuser.

The abuser must understand that the relationship is dependent upon his/her repentance. This must be clearly communicated by all who counsel him.

It is very important that, though the target may recognize her own sin and feel “unworthy” to call out the abuser’s sin, the broken relationship is due to the abuser’s sin, not the target’s. It is not the target’s responsibility to save the relationship. The responsibility rests squarely on the shoulders of the one who is oppressing his target.

This is different than normal familial, workplace, or neighborly discord. Often, in those case there are two that are “tangoing.” Both may be responsible for a part of the conflict and therefore, for reconciliation, both must repent and seek forgiveness.

Not so in cases of abuse. The survivor needs to continually tell herself, “This is not my fault…this is not my fault.” I understand this is antithetical to normal Christian thinking. But it is accurate to the situation.

An abuser’s repentance, including naming the sin and seeking forgiveness for it, must be clear and he must exhibit a transformed life for meaningful reconciliation to take place.

This does not mean the abuser does not fail at times. It does mean that he recognizes it and admits it readily and seeks forgiveness. But if even this is a continual pattern, it is time to get out of the trauma once again.

  • Counselors: If a counselor is pushing anything that does not bring accountability and consequence, get another counselor.

If the abuser is pushing and breaking the boundaries the target has set up to keep safe and bring healing graciously decline your counselor’s advice to come together. Counselors who do not understand abuse may suggest coming together much earlier than they should. The counselor may have been manipulated in their sessions with the abuser by the abuser’s seeming sorrow for sin.

But if the abuser has not shown evidence of repentance by holding to the boundaries set by their target for a significant amount of time, it is not time to enter into relationship again.

Counselors must understand the heart of an abuser in order to remain free from their manipulation and provide help and healing to the survivor.

  • Pastoral Advice:

As one pastor told me recently, counselors want to know and show their work is having an impact. They will seek to bring the abuser and his target together as soon as possible rather than waiting for clear evidence of repentance. They think this will show they are effective counselors.

Because of ego (belief in their own counseling abilities) or an over-confidence in God’s changing work, they may jump the gun by pushing reconciliation rather than waiting on true repentance.

Though it may be difficult to reject the guidance of a “man of the cloth,” remember that you are under God’s guidance first and foremost, not the pastor’s. Though God may have called him to shepherd, the pastor is weak and can be foolish just like all of God’s children. They do not perfectly counsel.

If long-term transformation is not evident in your abuser, reject a pastor’s counsel to reconcile. You know better than anyone if the abuser is repentant.

  • Marriage Conferences:

Marriage conferences are generally just another form of joint counseling. Though they may help the target work through her own issues – everyone has sin that must be put to death – the real problem in the marriage is the abuser’s oppression of his target. [see above]

Do not be manipulated to think it is your Christian duty to go to a conference. When the abuser has made long-lasting and evident changes in his behavior and thinking, it might be time for a marriage conference for further growth of the marriage.

But until the abuser is truly respecting his target’s boundaries and clearly admitting and sorrowful for their sin, a marriage conference is just another way for the abuser to manipulate and gain control.

  • Romantic getaways

The last thing an abuser needs for accountability is romance. He needs accountability and consequences to his actions. If a child kicks the dog, do you hand him an ice cream cone?

Hold the Line

I hope these guidelines are helpful as you consider when it is right to reconcile with an abuser. If you want to save your relationship, keep the cart after the horse. Be patient. Hold the line. Do not allow any breaking of boundaries. Keep him accountable.

Make sure your abuser understands he is no longer in control.

Poor Judges: Problems in Presbytery

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It is hit or miss when it comes to finding justice and healing in the church or Christian organization. Just as sexual abuse cases in our civil courts rarely bring convictions, so our church “courts” and organizational boardrooms rarely bring justice to targets of church leadership abuse in its many forms.

This is not the picture we hope for of a redeemed community caring for the oppressed and seeking the Kingdom of God to reign in all the earth by Jesus’ example.

I have not written often of public cases, usually interviewing survivors anonymously. However, a recent case within the Presbyterian Church in America has garnered some unfortunate but needed attention. Charges were brought against a PCA minister for sexual abuse and harassment in a mid-western presbytery.

The public statements made by both the church court and the woman who brought the charges, make it evident that the church has deeply failed.

But it is not over yet. Because of the accuser’s incredible courage, the case is once again before the presbytery. I am amazed that she would continue to work with the church despite having been put down by them.

Many will believe that the pastor must be innocent if he was judged innocent by a church court. But the evidence brought by at least 10 women is incontrovertable if you understand abuse, particularly leadership abuse. The pastor clearly used his position to “groom” these women and exert his position of power to take advantage of them.

However, those who have not studied abuse are unlikely to recognize the signs and therefore give a pass to guilty pastors. Most of us who work in this area were in those shoes at one time. We didn’t understand abuse, nor did we name it and claim it.

Abuse is wicked and repentance should be forthcoming upon confrontation.

When blame shifting and justification are the response, a pastor is not fit to lead according to every passage in scripture that gives qualifications. [1 Timothy 3:1-7, Titus 1:5-9] I understand that God is gracious and He calls His people to mimic his mercy—Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful as Jesus said in Luke 6:36 (ESV) —but, that mercy runs out when it is not received in repentance [see article].

This blog is not intended as a place for trying the pastor for his crimes but a call to action for the church:

In order to minister well in the cases of abusive leadership, the church must provide adequate professional help.

Churches and denominations must quit depending on their normally appointed courts to hear and try cases of leadership abuse (or any abuse for that matter). It is very apparent, as we observe many abuse cases in churches of every denomination, that the average member has little understanding of abuse and they will approach it like it is “normal” sin.

Abuse is not.

Abuse is the kind of sin of which the imprecatory Psalms speak [Psalms 5, 55, 83 and 137 are examples].

Abuse is the kind of sin that Paul calls out publicly. [2 Timothy 2:17, 4:14]

Though not rare, these are unusual situations in scripture and need to be understood as unusual in our Christian ministry.

Abuse is particularly destructive to its victims and must be brought to an end decisively. It must not be trifled with.

When a leader is accused of abusive actions or words, the church needs the help of those who have studied and understand abuse to sort through the sordid details. Much as the average church member knows little about engineering a bridge, so they know little of the psychology and behaviors of abuse.

Appoint knowledgeable committees and courts. Bring in professional help and listen to them.

I am praying for churches and denominations to take the lead of those who have done their due diligence like Lookout Mountain Presbyterian and Tates Creek Presbyterian Churches. These churches have shined in their bringing truth to light.

Join me in calling our churches to respond wisely and biblically to abuse in their midst.