Monthly Archives: December 2017

Trusting in Silence: Waiting for Godly Counsel

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Mark was at the pinnacle of his career. He had successfully led two mission organizations, one to unprecedented growth with global notoriety. He is an exceptional networker. His strengths are clearly in community building for ministry.

Mark had been warned about the dysfunction of the board of directors that oversaw the organization for which he was recently “head-hunted” for the position of CEO. However, he had hopes and plans to help the organization develop greater vision and was excited to begin building their community.

He put together a plan for replacing the offices of the ministry, networking with a Christian developer to greatly expand both the physical space of the offices and the visibility of the mission. The multi-million dollar project would cost the organization almost nothing.

Toxic Streak

However, it became apparent that the board chairman had a toxic streak Mark hadn’t counted on. The chairman began sabotaging his every move. It wasn’t the chairman’s idea, and so it would not succeed. By the time Mark was fired from his position, the dysfunction had reached new heights. Despite having had a very positive job evaluation recently, there was little or nothing said to him as they took his keys and escorted him from the building.

After a year, Mark was still deeply wounded and unsure of what the Lord had in mind for his future. Despite having had morning devotions for as long as he could remember, for several months he had little interest in reading his Bible.

James, the brother of Jesus, said, “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” [James 1:2-4 (ESV)]

“Count it all joy?” Could James have come up with a more shocking statement to lead into “when you meet trials of various kinds?” How is it possible to have joy when suffering?

He goes on to say we become better people and more prepared for walking in His grace through that trial. This is extraordinary encouragement for the Christian. We know a sovereign King who rules over the affairs of man and knows just how to make us stronger and more fit to be His image-bearers.

He is constantly forming us into a people who fulfill His creational mandates of relating to his world and others in redemptive ways. This seems to happen through trials primarily.

Battering Rams

Unfortunately, verses like these have been used as battering rams by well-meaning Christians seeking to encourage the faint-hearted. “Weep with those who weep” seems to be forgotten when a good “teaching moment” appears in the form of a trial faced by a brother. It would have been easy for Mark’s friends to bludgeon him with verses on reading scripture and challenge his attitude towards the Bible at that time.

I understand that often Christians struggle with how to respond to the brother burdened by trial and temptation. We have many beautiful passages—such as in James—that are intended as comfort for the weary. You may have been encouraged by them yourself.

But, how can we best use those passages to comfort others? I would suggest it is less how as when?

Allow the Lord

We are called by the Lord to build up the weak, encouraging one another daily. But, it is just as important to allow the Lord to do what He does best in the hearts of men. This may be the interpretive guide we need when considering Romans 12:15 in conjunction with Hebrews 3:13.

In Romans Paul encourages the saints to show compassion by joining with their brother in joy or sadness. The preacher in Hebrews suggests daily exhortation of the brother. These are two very different approaches to a counseling opportunity.

There is no absolute guide to which step to take with the suffering brother. But, above all else, it is important to remember that the Lord knows His own and He can be trusted to guide and encourage the broken-hearted by His Holy Spirit. He gives us opportunity to be part of that, yet He does not need us to critique the “false thinking” of the broken at every turn.

Anyone who has been in counseling situations can tell of a myriad of times when suffering alongside in silence and concern has been just what the doctor ordered. It is extraordinary how God can take the thoughts and complaints of the sufferer and turn them to the truth of His Word and promises. Just allowing, in faith, the Lord to do so will encourage your own faith in His ability to get the job done in His time.

Psalm 73

We see this clearly in Psalm 73 where Asaph is struggling with the arrogant. He envied them and he couldn’t understand why God did not simply strike them. After 16 verses of complaining, he says he “went into the sanctuary of God and discerned their end.” He gained perspective by being in God’s presence. By the end of the Psalm he is heartened:

But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord GOD my refuge, that I may tell of all your works. [Psalms 73:28 (ESV)]

We know not what others may be facing as they battle a toxic boss or abusive individual. But, we know that God knows them and what is necessary for their growth. Unlike Job’s friends, maybe we need to sit quietly and trust in God’s ever-present help in the time of trouble.

In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. [1 Peter 1:6 (ESV)]

 

John & Susan: The Power of Pastor

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I sat down with John and Susan over coffee to hear their story. I had heard parts of it before they were done passing through the fire. Now, over two years later, it was time to hear the whole story of abusive church leadership and see the healing that had taken place in their lives.

John and Susan [not their real names] were attendees of a church-plant in a large city. The pastor was known for his hospitality and clear vision. John noted the common traits of a church-planting pastor he read somewhere:

  • Top of their class in seminary
  • Coming from the world of business
  • Great at planning and executing those plans
  • Rarely good at pastoral care

The Trouble Begins

Trouble began when John questioned one of the pastor’s budget plans during a church meeting. He apparently was perceived as a threat and John felt like the pastor “shut him down.” Following the pastor’s angry outburst at his wife at a church event, several men in the church scheduled a meeting with him to encourage the pastor to seek counseling. It was apparent to them there was some level of emotional abuse happening in the home.

They planned to encourage him and his wife to seek counseling and continue in his ministry. In this initial meeting, with his wife present, the pastor agreed to seek marriage counseling. However, the men got a feeling from the pastor and his wife that they were “going some place they shouldn’t go . . . stepping over a line.” John continued to feel that the pastor believed John was questioning his God-given authority.

Three or four months later, John met with the pastor to try to clear the air. In that meeting the pastor suggested John and the other men’s confrontation was against Jesus’ principles outlined in Matthew 18. In addition, he applied the passage to an email John sent to him that included the others as recipients when asking for the original meeting. The pastor said the email was “something someone would do in a corporate setting, copying others in . . . he felt very threatened by that move.”  John said, “It doomed me. That night was when I started to question what was happening.”

Rejection from Leadership

The pastor’s anger at the men became more and more apparent as the church moved from being a “mission” to a “particularized” church. At that time, men in the church were nominated for leadership positions as elders and then went through training. At the end of the training, the pastor chose those whom he wished to have on the board.

John was not chosen for leadership even though, during the training, he humbly admitted to the pastor his need to approach confrontations with more sensitivity. The pastor put the responsibility for the decision (of rejecting him for leadership) on another pastor that was overseeing the process.

John was deeply hurt by the rejection, but his family continued to minister in the church, leading a bible study and doing outreach. However, when an assistant pastor was hired by the church, he joined John’s home Bible study. Later, John believed the pastor was intending to replace John with the assistant.

John and Susan took a year hiatus from leading the small group Bible study and the assistant did step in as leader. John and Susan sought permission to begin a new group. It was to be a group that included teenagers. The pastor and elders refused to allow the start of the group, suggesting John was not a good teacher – though it was his profession – and others would not want teens in the group.

John and Susan requested a meeting with the pastor. In that meeting, survey data from when he led the group before, was brought out. It was from a year and a half before. The pastor showed him parts of the survey in “isolation” that included “inadequate leadership.” John realized he needed to “stay in his box or die.”

When it became apparent John and Susan had little opportunity to use their gifts in the church, they determined it was best to move on. When resigning their membership, John and Susan asked for an “exit interview” with the Elders. However, the elders “shamed” them rather than seeking to know why they were leaving the church. The pastor was particularly “aggressive,” John said.

Over a period of four or five years, several assistants to the pastor “abruptly” left the church. One of the assistant’s wife has “rejected the faith” following their tenure at the church.

John’s assumption is that these assistants, who he assumed were pushed out, “questioned the pastor’s authority and were not operating inside his box.” Each time an assistant would leave, the pastor would speak very “negatively about them and their performance…not meeting his expectations.”

Healing

The move to another church was a slow and tentative process. John was very hesitant to commit to another church body and to put himself “out there…to be vulnerable in any sort of way.” They went to several churches and he said it “almost felt better to keep shopping” which he has never done. “It felt comfortable to be in that role and stay detached.”

John and Susan wondered what it would be like to “dredge” up the story once again when I asked them to tell it. However, John said, “It doesn’t feel as personal now.” He has since seen the hand of God working in and through them as they began attending a church with humble leaders. It was very apparent that significant healing has taken place now that they have a safe place to be.

Some Thoughts

  • John’s story involved spiritual abuse where scripture, usually taken out of context, is used to beat down and control others. The pastor shifted the blame of his behavior to others as he suggested they didn’t approach him according to scripture. However, he didn’t take into account the Apostle Paul’s challenge to leaders in 1 Timothy 5:19-20 as having great responsibility for their behavior. In that passage, there is no mention of one-on-one confrontation. Rather than humble himself before them, admit his wrong, seek help for his abusive behavior, he criticized his counselors’ behavior.
  • On the whole, the congregation values the community the pastor has created so highly, they overlook his deep moral failing. This is not unusual. It is likely the number one reason corporations keep abusive managers or churches their authoritarian pastors is they have gifts and talents the organization feel they cannot do without. Unfortunately, research suggests in the long run, abusive leaders destroy rather than build effective organizations.
  • Had the pastor been humble, he would have sought out the various views of others when making decisions regarding the church. Rather, he clearly wanted “yes-men” in his chamber. One toxic pastor I met asked his board to resign so he could replace them with his own chosen elders.
  • Unfortunately, the pastor is yet to be brought up on charges at the denominational level. I am praying now that members in the church will recognize his destructive behavior and bring it before leaders in the denomination. But, unfortunately, this rarely happens. Until clear evidence is brought forward, much like in a domestic violence case, the “court” will fail to convict the perpetrator and allow the church to suffer further violence.

Consider sharing your story. These are intended as a means for understanding abuse of leadership and how we can get out of it, get on with it, and heal.

Imprecatory Praying: The Mercy of Destruction

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Our CEO’s wife was a bear. She bragged how she would run off roommates in college so she could have the room to herself. She had not changed in the ensuing years.

On the other hand, her husband was rather charming. You mostly knew where you stood with her—in the doghouse. But, her husband? He manipulated circumstances with great skill. 

There are times when a Christian struggles with what kind of attitude he should have towards a boss who seems quite beyond the reach of the Gospel.

Maybe the boss is unwilling to see his evil behavior. Maybe the power differential between the boss and subordinate makes it non-condusive to confronting the boss’ sin. Maybe attempts have been made to bring reconciliation in the relationship and failed miserably. In fact, maybe the attempts made it even worse.

Christians read the Psalms and find statements that seem to conflict with the open-hearted, mercy-oriented, forgiveness-driven Gospel we preach from our pulpits. King David, a man after God’s own heart, says,

For it is not an enemy who taunts me—
then I could bear it;
it is not an adversary who deals insolently with me—
then I could hide from him.
But it is you, a man, my equal,
my companion, my familiar friend.
We used to take sweet counsel together;
within God’s house we walked in the throng.
Let death steal over them;
let them go down to Sheol alive;
for evil is in their dwelling place and in their heart.

Psalms 55:12-15 (ESV)

Imprecatory Psalms

Psalm 55 is among the Psalms called “imprecatory.” These Psalms are those that call for the destruction of or curses upon the enemy of the writer. An article on the Bible Gateway website lists Psalms 5, 10, 17, 35, 58, 59, 69, 70, 79, 83, 109, 129, 137, and 140 as imprecatory Psalms.[1]

One commentary on the imprecatory Psalms said, “These prayers awaken the conscience to the human cry for redress, the cosmic demand for moral order and justice. They can lead one to feel as deeply as one ought the horrendous insult to Yahweh and his creation perpetrated by those who lie and cheat and kill and abuse and blaspheme . . .These prayers awaken that outrage, which is to be offered to God and which motivates to redemptive action.“

Discomfort with Judgment

When I have spoken with Christian employees about Psalm 55, they were clearly uncomfortable with the judgmental character of it. Even among theologians there is obvious discomfort. More often than not, the words of David are ignored or downplayed and it is suggested we should pray for evil people to be redeemed—not destroyed.

It was not until serving under a toxic boss and doing research into the dynamics of abuse that I began to understand the imprecatory Psalms.

In Matthew 7, Jesus calls those who do not respond well to confrontation “pigs,” and suggests silence rather than confrontation. David, in Psalm 55, takes it a step further, praying for the judgment and destruction of his enemies. He says, with apparent assurance, “But you, O God, will cast them down into the pit of destruction.”[2]

A Familiar Friend

To many who have suffered under toxic leadership, David’s struggle is very familiar as it was for my wife and me. David noted that his enemy is not an unknown person. He is David’s friend. David calls him “my equal, my companion, my familiar friend.”[3]

David says he could have tolerated “oppression and fraud,” however “what incurs his wrath is the treachery of a trusted friend.”[4] The psalmist explains it was not an adversary who oppressed him, but an individual with whom he took “sweet counsel together.”

The word counsel “implies intimacy,” according to The New Strong’s Exhaustive Concordance of the Bible. Donald Guthrie says, David “had known unity of heart” with this friend “as they worshipped God” together.[5]

Some of those with whom I have spoken believed they had good relationships with their leader. Many worshiped, worked, recreated, and socialized with their leader. The Christian organization is sometimes a family-like setting. Often the mission station is a tight-knit group living communally.

Adam, a missionary in Africa, believed his relationship with the CEO was professional, but he also recalled being taken to dinner and enjoying family outings together. Graham said, “We really, really thought we were a Christian family.” My family went on vacations, to dinner, concerts, and to church with our leaders.

When abuse became apparent, the participants were often surprised and confused by the dysfunction in the organization. They, like abuse victims Lundy Bancroft describes, were perplexed by the cruelty displayed by these “friends.”[6]

However, like some commentators, the participants were hesitant to pray as David prayed in their situation. Guthrie said David was God’s “anointed king” and so had a get out of jail free card. He distinguished his circumstances from normal relational conflict. Yet, the Psalms were sung in worship by all Israel, not just David.

Graham, an one of my interviewees, specifically sought to keep such thoughts of “adversary” or “enemy” out of the team’s thinking as he and other employees went through the steps of confrontation with the CEO. To this day he refuses to use this terminology. I heard about a well-known pastor’s experience when an elder in his church was creating division and strife. People were praying for the pastor and the elder died unexpectedly. But, the pastor was unwilling to suggest it was due to God’s judgment.

The Prerogative of a Sovereign God

However, one of the commentators on Psalm 55, Gerhard Vos, believes it is appropriate to ask for God’s judgment on evil. He says, “The total destruction of evil . . . is the prerogative of the sovereign God.” Some consider it “loving” to refrain from praying for the destruction of an evil person. But, it is important to consider not only the perpetrator, but his victims.

How loving is it to suggest the diabolical one keep reaping destruction on his followers? Is it not more loving to look out for those under his oppression—a perspective that God seems to lean heavily towards in His Word—rather than in any way supporting the abuser? Even when a deeply, unrepentant, evil person repents, it is likely the abuse will continue for some time while God sanctifies him.

Vos goes on to say,

“It is right not only to pray for the accomplishment of this destruction, but even to assist in effecting it when commanded to do so by God himself.”[7]

The Ethical Problem of the Imprecatory Psalms

“Assisting” in the destruction, as Vos suggests, may mean seeking his firing. Or calling him to account before others. The final steps of the Matthew 18 principle of confrontation involve group confrontation and shame. This may be the only way others will find relief from his abuse. 

This is loving!

There is a clear distinction in scripture between those who continually refuse repentance and those who have a “heart of flesh” that is teachable. There is a time when trying to “work with someone” comes to an end and public disgrace is necessary to bring justice to the broken-hearted.

This is God-given direction for confronting evil: Praying that God’s mercy will save those suffering from the destruction of the evildoer and doing all in our legitimate power to stop the abuse.

NOTES

[1] “Imprecatory Psalms,” Biblegateway, accessed March 14, 2017, https://www.biblegateway.com/resources/asbury-bible-commentary/Imprecatory-Psalms.

[2] Psalm 55:23.

[3] Psalm 55:13.

[4] Guthrie et al., The New Bible Commentary, 485.

[5] Ibid., 486.

[6] Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?, 68.

[7] Gerhard Vos, “The Ethical Problem of the Imprecatory Psalms,” 135.

#MeToo & God’s Anointed

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As more and more people come forward to publicly renounce leaders who have abused their positions of power through sexual harassment, perversion, and molestation, there is a growing freedom to confront this evil.

“On October 5, 2017, The New York Times published a series of allegations against producer Harvey Weinstein from women who claimed that he sexually harassed them…Shortly after the bombshell report about Weinstein, the hashtag #MeToo, intended to demonstrate the prevalence of harassment and assault within our culture, went viral on social media.”[1]

The sexual escapades of powerful people are sometimes closely linked to toxic leadership as Graham, a manager in a global mission organization, found out. He was fired after confronting the founder for sexually harassing many women in his mission.

After the confrontation of the founder of the organization with two other high-profile Christian leaders, the founder went to his office, got on the phone, and began blackballing Graham to associates across America. When he was finally fired after the events described below, he spent two years looking for work in ministry.

Expecting the Best

Graham and his cohorts expected the leader to be humble and receive their loving recommendations to seek counsel. Like John (upcoming blog), they were expecting the founder to see their confrontation as a lifeline out of his sinful behavior. They recommended he take a leave of absence for counseling, while retaining his position as CEO. Yet, the founder rejected their counsel, denying any wrong-doing.

When the board got involved, they voted to fire the founder. However, a political leader who was a major donor to the organization, threatened to withdraw his support if they followed through with the firing. So, instead, the board fired Graham and retained the founder. Emboldened by the board’s actions, the founder fired nearly 40 other employees who had expressed concern about the leader’s behavior.

After nearly 10 years, another round of courageous women came forward with their stories and the board finally took action. They fired the founder and, according to Graham, the founder went down the street and started a new organization.

God’s Anointed

Graham said, people would say to him, “Who [are you] to be going up against God’s chosen?” He complained, “That was thrown at me a lot.” He went on to explain that supporters and leaders of projects from around the country believed the organization’s founder “totally.” He said,

“The facts really didn’t matter at all. Anybody you talked to had a way of dismissing those facts whether it was based on [the founder’s] description of the women – one woman was simply too ugly to harass – or you know, those kinds of things. People would say, ‘I’ve talked to [the founder] about these women, and this is what he said, and that’s the fact and so you need to be under submission.'”

Often leaders of Christian organizations are called “God’s chosen” or “anointed.” Though God gives men positions of authority,[2] man’s authority is never ultimate, as discussed in another blog. Their failures at times result in authority legitimately being stripped from them.

As 1 Timothy 5 notes, leaders can in fact be confronted and rejected from their places of power. Paul makes this very clear as he calls on the Galatians to challenge authorities who fail to lead the sheep well. Consider his comments in chapter two:

“But when Cephas [Peter] came to Antioch, I opposed him to his face, because he stood condemned. For before certain men came from James, he was eating with the Gentiles; but when they came he drew back and separated himself, fearing the circumcision party. And the rest of the Jews acted hypocritically along with him, so that even Barnabas was led astray by their hypocrisy. But when I saw that their conduct was not in step with the truth of the gospel, I said to Cephas before them all, ‘If you, though a Jew, live like a Gentile and not like a Jew, how can you force the Gentiles to live like Jews?’” Galatians 2:11-14 (ESV)

Paul argues against leaders in the church called “Judaizers” and calls on the Galatians to live in freedom from their warped [non]Gospels. When considering the whole of scripture, it is important to remember no man is above his responsibility to the Lord and those under their authority may be required to call them to account. Those who suffer the abuse of leaders, who wreak havoc on their subordinates, are called to freedom.

NOTES:

[1] https://www.teenvogue.com/story/sexual-harassment-assault-allegations-hollywood-music-entertainment

[2] 1 Peter 2:13-14 (ESV) Be subject for the Lord’s sake to every human institution, whether it be to the emperor as supreme, or to governors as sent by him to punish those who do evil and to praise those who do good.