In this writing, I want to bring leaders down to earth . . . with a view to heaven.
I hope these ideas are both biblical and helpful in challenging common misconceptions about our Christian leaders. Leaders are important . . . and so they need to get it right. When speaking with Jada, I was again confronted with the teaching in some churches that leaders are to be obeyed absolutely.
I am going to use Numbers for some analysis of this view. But, I first must begin with a spoiler alert. The Old Testament priests are not in all ways equivalent to the New Testament leader or pastor in the church. I would suggest that there are some general principles that we gleen from OT Scripture for leadership, but we cannot make one-to-one comparisons.
Therefore, I will work from a principled way as we look at the Old Testament priesthood and apply it to current church leadership.
God’s Leaders: The High Calling
Leadership in the church is a high calling. It is likely that every society that gives credence to “religion” gives special honor to leaders of those religions. The spiritual guidance these leaders provide, bad or good, creates a we-them perspective. Religious leaders are normally set apart. They are often looked upon as having special knowledge or skills of the spiritual realm.
Some cultures especially give attention to spiritual leaders. We experienced significant honor in Africa and even in the United States there is a general sense of respect and honor for church pastors.
We see this in the Bible in Numbers 8 where the LORD gave Moses guidance for the establishment of the Levitical priesthood.
“Take the Levites from among the people of Israel and cleanse them. Thus you shall do to them to cleanse them: sprinkle the water of purification upon them, and let them go with a razor over all their body, and wash their clothes and cleanse themselves.” [Numbers 8:6-7]
The priests were set apart for the work they did, even in their physical appearance. There was clearly a uniqueness to their vocation (calling).
And in the New Testament,
“Likewise, you who are younger, be subject to the elders. Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for ‘God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.’”
1 Peter 5:5 (ESV)
“Let the elders who rule well be considered worthy of double honor, especially those who labor in preaching and teaching.”
1 Timothy 5:17 (ESV)
The elder in the church is placed in a position of authority that others submit to them and they are to be “honored,” especially the ones who do it well.
In addition, the qualifications found in 1 Timothy 3 and Titus 1 point to their calling to be guides and examples to God’s people.
Our Leaders: Not So Much
This is where we begin to see the balance with which we must grapple in our view of leaders.
Their authority is not absolute because they are not absolute.
The LORD is the only One Who is absolute and this becomes apparent when we look at the above Numbers passage and consider those same qualifications for elders found in Timothy and Titus.
“When you bring the Levites before the LORD, the people of Israel shall lay their hands on the Levites, and Aaron shall offer the Levites before the LORD as a wave offering from the people of Israel, that they may do the service of the LORD. Then the Levites shall lay their hands on the heads of the bulls, and you shall offer the one for a sin offering and the other for a burnt offering to the LORD to make atonement for the Levites.”
Numbers 8:10-12
Note that these leaders—priests—are sinners just as the rest of the people of Israel are. Their sins must be atoned for and that sacrifice for sins is done in full view of the people.
Not only that, the people lay their hands on these priests. The people ordain the priests.
This is significant.
The priests represent the people—they come from among the people. They are not the end-all of leadership. The LORD is.
He calls leaders. He instructs them in righteous leading. He calls His people to follow them.
And He holds them accountable. They have, do, and will sin. It must be atoned for.
“When a leader sins, doing unintentionally any one of all the things that by the commandments of the LORD his God ought not to be done, and realizes his guilt, or the sin which he has committed is made known to him, he shall bring as his offering a goat, a male without blemish, and shall lay his hand on the head of the goat and kill it in the place where they kill the burnt offering before the LORD; it is a sin offering.”
Leviticus 4:22-24 (ESV)
The leader is to admit his wrong whether it was intentional or not. And, in the Old Testament law, he was to bring his sacrifice . . . a public presentation of their need for God’s forgiveness.
Leaders are Accountable
But, when those sins deeply affect his leadership, God brings an end to his leadership through His and His people’s systems of justice. God does not look kindly on wicked leaders who feed on the sheep rather than care for them.
So He calls them out:
“Therefore, you shepherds, hear the word of the LORD: As I live, declares the Lord GOD, surely because my sheep have become a prey, and my sheep have become food for all the wild beasts, since there was no shepherd, and because my shepherds have not searched for my sheep, but the shepherds have fed themselves, and have not fed my sheep, therefore, you shepherds, hear the word of the LORD: Thus says the Lord GOD, Behold, I am against the shepherds, and I will require my sheep at their hand and put a stop to their feeding the sheep.”
Ezekiel 34:7-10 (ESV)
Sometimes he strikes them by His own hand and sometimes He uses man’s justice. Either way, it becomes clear that leaders in the church (or anywhere for that matter) are not absolute in their authority or honor.
Some Application
What do these principles mean?
In the big picture, they mean that leaders are given by God, but they are accountable for their leadership. They are to be respected, but they are to be held to high standards of behavior.
To get more specific, we serve our leaders as they call us to follow them towards the heavenly. As they teach us well, we learn well. As they give vision and example for ministry to others, we fulfill the vision and ministry. They are, after all, called to train us for works of ministry (Ephesians 4:12).
On the other hand, leaders who teach or behave contrary to Scripture can be called out by subordinates. Leaders who are unwilling to humble themselves, recognizing their own need of forgiveness from the Lord and others, need to cease being leaders.
Those who are responsible for appointing those leaders need to take their responsibility seriously and provide accountability. And they should never suggest to followers that they keep silent about errors on the leader’s part. As followers we should never feel and be taught as Jada was that we cannot challenge an “elder” in the church.
We must always remember that pastors and organizational CEOs are God’s leaders . . . and they are OUR leaders.
NOTES:
I encourage you to read Dr. Diane Langberg’s wonderful book, “Redeeming Power.”
In addition, this podcast sheds some light on power dynamics in the church: “Adult Clergy Sexual Abuse.”
The Bible is repleat with examples and the modern business and Christian organization world is full of them. It is a huge temptation for any organization that feels more dependent on donor funds than God.
Only in the Christian organization it is spun as “being an example for Christ.”
In other words, truth does not really matter. What really matters is if appearances are kept up for the public. Then Christ is glorified.
And it just so happens, the money flows better that way. Contributions roll in unabated.
But, Jesus never told his people to fake it until you make it. In fact, He most commonly called those who do hypocrites and that was not a positive assessment of their spiritual state (Matthew 6).
Saul and Image
King Saul reigned in Israel approximately 1021–1000 BC. He was their first king, which is a story in itself (not to be discussed here).
At one point he was told by the prophet Samuel to attack Amalek. He did as commanded by the Lord. But, though being told to destroy everyone and everything, Saul spared the king and held onto the best of the sheep and oxen.
Samuel came to Saul having been told by the Lord, “I regret that I have made Saul king, for he has turned back from following me and has not performed my commandments.” (1 Sam. 15:10)
As Samuel confronted him, Saul immediately began shifting the blame to the people. Samuel told him the Lord was stripping him of his kingship. Saul responded,
“I have sinned; yet honor me now before the elders of my people and before Israel, and return with me, that I may bow before the LORD your God.” (1 Samuel 15:30 (ESV))
“I have sinned.” Sounds like he got it right. But listen to those words following.
“Honor me now before the elders of my people and before Israel. . .” His image is of greatest importance here. His confession is only a ploy to please the prophet. His desire for honor far outweighs his relationship with the Lord.
Samuel seems to think so as well.
He tells Saul that he will not return with him and walks away. However, Saul won’t stand for it and grabs the prophet’s robe, tearing it. Samuel in turn uses Saul’s disrespectful action as a metaphor and tells Saul that God is tearing his kingdom away from him just as he tore Samuel’s robe.
And then Samuel returns with Saul and finishes the job Saul was supposed to do.
Outward Appearances
Saul is a good (evil) example of the image-driven pastor, organizational leader, or business CEO. The Lord does not look on outward appearances (2 Cor. 5:12) and you will never get away with being driven by an image rather than the real deal (1 Sam. 16:7). God sees through that. God knows your character through and through.
You cannot put on airs with Jesus like you do for your adoring public.
Jesus will bring it to light at some point.
If you have the opportunity to join an organization that seems to have it all together and never airs its dirty laundry . . . run.
It is unhealthy and hypocritical.
If you have the opportunity to join an organization that seems to have it all together and tells you all the ways that it does ministry better than anyone else . . . run.
It is unhealthy and they are lying.
We Will Crush You
When an organization is driven by image, you can be assured it will do anything to keep that image alive.
That means the leaders will lie about wrongdoing. They will crush dissent. They will refuse criticism . . . even constructive criticism. They will put on a facade for the donors.
On a side note, this is of what NDAs are made. NDAs are often intended to keep that image alive through silencing its victims while offering cold cash for the buyout.
I worked for a mission agency like this. I watched it in action. And I drank the Koolaid for several years. I am not above being sucked in.
My wife had to confront me (in her gracious way) following a missions conference when I came away all blustery about how our mission was so much better than all those other missions.
It was less than a year later that all that image crumbled before me and we left the mission beaten and bruised by the toxic leadership.
It is insidious. Don’t take part in it . . . it will kill you.
For helpful information on “impression management” by Wade Mullen:
One of the hardest things for someone to hear when going through a particularly difficult trial is, “Consider it joy! It will make you stronger.”
Yes, the Bible tells me so. But it so often seems so callous for someone to remind me of it. There might even be a smile that goes with it that makes me angry.
Those who are acting as counselors and advocates for abuse survivors have likely struggled with this issue. We want to encourage our clients and friends to rightful thinking which we know will lead to greater peace. We want them to see the good that can come from the trial that they may have a sense of peace in it.
And as we share these thoughts with them, we find that they shrink into a shell or become angry or walk away, never to return.
It just isn’t that simple to slather a verse on a victim’s pain. Have you noticed that taking one verse from the Bible is simple until you practice good exegesis and consider all those other verses that complicate things?
The Goal
First, I want to do some of that work on James 1:2-5 where the Lord tells us that the “testing of your faith produces steadfastness.” That is the reason why James says one verse before, “Count it all joy . . . when you meet trials of various kinds.”
There is a goal to suffering – that we be “perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” That’s a pretty good trade off. That is what trials are intended to produce in us. And that is why James tells us to “count it all joy.”
Gill’s Exposition of the Entire Bible helpfully says, “Not that these afflictions were joyous in themselves, but in their circumstances, effects, and consequences.”
The goal is joyous.
It is not the trial that is joyous. The trial is not intended to make us happy. In fact, to be a trial it needs to do quite the opposite. It creates hurt, disappointment, maybe confusion, and frustration. That is why it is called a trial. It challenges how we view our lives.
It causes us to take stock of our beliefs and desires and expectations.
I face trials when my boss or spouse is manipulating, demeaning, shaming, or blaming me. When my manager takes credit for the work I do. When my spouse tells me I am stupid, or my pastor preaches shamefully from the pulpit referring to something I said to him earlier in the week supposedly in confidence.
I am not expected to take joy from the trial. And so, we must be careful to distinguish between expecting someone to be joyful about the trial, rather than taking joy in the knowledge of the outcome.
Who among us knows what is God’s specific purpose for another man’s trial? Who can with confidence give that kind of judgment.
God does not always show His hand immediately or within the trial itself. At times it is mysterious. Consider Paul’s “thorn in the flesh” in 2 Corinthians 12:7-9. Paul has some knowledge – it is there to keep him from being “conceited” – but why doesn’t God take it away? Paul begged that the Lord would do so, but He did not remove it by the time of Paul’s writing.
It is not my place to tell a victim why they are suffering. And then tell them, “Count it all joy!”
They will likely, though not necessarily, learn what the Lord is specifically teaching them. Give the Lord His room.
Weep
So, what do we do? What is the godly response?
We must be careful in our expectations for those who are suffering horribly from the abuse of a wicked individual – whether a boss, boyfriend, neighbor, or husband. In the midst of that suffering, jumping for joy neither makes sense nor generally happens.
This is a broken world, and a giddiness about that brokenness is never suggested in Scripture. Don’t expect your friend or counselee to be rejoicing in the way you think of rejoicing in the midst of their abuse. It is unreasonable and unlikely.
So, the first step in hearing of abuse of any kind is “weep with those who weep.”
The full verse in Romans says:
Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight.
Romans 12:15-16 (ESV)
Humility. No conceit. No arrogance.
If you are counseling or advocating for a victim of leadership abuse (in the home or workplace), you need to humbly respond to their suffering. As they pass through the fire of trial, they need to be shown respect and their trial needs to be honored.
Weep with them. It is not a time of rejoicing when they face various trials.
But when the goal of that trial – their perfection and completion – is accomplished, it will be a time of rejoicing.
In the trial, it is a time of weeping and seeking the wisdom only God can give as James goes on to say:
If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.
James 1:5
Weep with them as they face the struggle. And seek wisdom as to how to respond to that trial with them.
Empathy
In essence, we are talking about being empathetic. No matter what foolish theologians say about empathy, Romans 12 is about empathy. God desires you to be empathetic . . . to appreciate and understand another man’s travail. And you are to weep with them when they weep.
In time, hopefully you can rejoice when they rejoice.
However, as you empathize with your friend, you may encourage them on a path to the point of considering it joy. As the “Barnes’ Notes on the Bible” says,
You are not to consider it as a punishment, a curse, or a calamity, but as a fit subject of felicitation.
Barnes’ Notes on the Bible
When facing abuse, many victims feel that they are cursed. They may think they are being punished by the Lord much like many of the Psalmists.
But abuse is never the result of the victim’s actions. It is because the abuser has an unrepentant heart. He is sick in sin. It is HIS fault, not the victim’s.
So, encouraging the victim to rest in Jesus’s loving arms, not condemnation of any kind, is the godly response to their despair.
Advocates can list story after story of the survivors of abuse testifying to the shame that have been heaped upon them. They have been trained by their abusers, particularly if their abuser was a Christian leader, to think of themselves as unworthy of Jesus’s love and affection.
You do not criticize them for feeling cursed or angry at God. You share with them the love that God has for them . . . telling them over and over they are a child of the Heavenly Father, the Ruler of Heaven and Earth.
Those are two very different things. One is heaping more shame on them for feeling the way they do: How dare you feel that way. One is sharing the reason they need have no shame.
Consider it Joy! Yes, the Bible tells me so. But there is a time for weeping for and mourning what is lost. There is time for the Lord to make Himself known and felt by victims of abusive leadership.
The pastor sent an “apology” to Jack. The letter was less than a page long and included a very general confession of sin.
At first Jack was encouraged by the words from his former boss. But, as he considered what repentance should look like from abusive authority, he began to question the wisdom of reconciling with the pastor on the basis of the pastor’s apparent repentance.
This is the experience of victim after victim of leadership abuse. Apologies that give hope, but in time prove to be false acts of contrition.
What is Repentance?
Biblical repentance is difficult to understand. The word is used freely as though everyone gets it. But identifying the actual repentant heart is not so easy.
Because repentance affects how we respond to the apology of a fellow believer, its identification is important. Repentance means reconciliation may take place. Repentance means a position relinquished because of sin may be regained.
We need to be able to distinguish repentance from other forms of people-pleasing responses.
True repentance is a matter of the heart. The actions of the repentant flow from his entire being turning from sin. And, this is the difficulty: We can’t know another man’s heart.
ID Repentance
However, in the Old Testament there are some helpful guidelines to recognizing and receiving repentance. There are a couple words that are at times translated as “repent” or “humble” oneself.
The word, “nâḥam” (נָחַם) means to breathe strongly; to be sorry, to pity, console or rue; or repent. Another word, šûḇ (שׁוּב) means “to turn back (hence, away).”
In either case, the idea is that the sinner has given up the sin. And it is not just in action, but the heart. Note, the terminology “breathe strongly,” There is the sense that the rejection of sin goes way down deep into the inner man. Breathe. What I have read about this Hebrew term gives the impression of deep sadness – inner change – over what the sinner has done.
Where we run into difficulty here is in defining and identifying repentance when there is a return to the old sin. Is it repentance if we do the same sin again . . . later?
I know of two “repentant” abusers who have made significant progress in overcoming their entitlement and control over their wives. However, they do continue to go back to the old ways at times. The difference is that they identify it in themselves quickly and seek to confess and turn from it. Their wives no longer consider them abusive. They no longer live as if walking on eggshells.
So, we have to understand repentance in cases of abuse in like manner to our own various sins. It is why there is the old adage, “We must repent of our repentance.” We will at times go back to the trough of gruel. Our inner man never fully gives up on its idolatry until Jesus comes again.
But our recognition of the sin and deep sorrow over it has made significant progress.
Again, we do not know if someone else is truly, deeply sorrowful over their sin. Their words may just be further manipulation, of which many abusers are adept.
Confession and Resitution
Under the section heading of “Confession and Restitution” in the English Standard Version, Moses is given guidelines for determining repentance:
And the LORD spoke to Moses, saying, “Speak to the people of Israel, When a man or woman commits any of the sins that people commit by breaking faith with the LORD, and that person realizes his guilt, he shall confess his sin that he has committed. And he shall make full restitution for his wrong, adding a fifth to it and giving it to him to whom he did the wrong.”
Numbers 5:5-7 (ESV)
This passage does not mention the word “repentance,” but I understand it to express the evidence of a repentant heart.
First of all, the sinner confesses his sin.
He understands that he has done wrong. He identifies that he has broken faith with the Lord. The Hebrew says he has acted treacherously. What he has done is really evil. And he confesses it. He doesn’t cover it over in any way.
I would suggest this means he doesn’t make excuses. He doesn’t blame it on someone else, even a little. He truly owns up to the specific sin. In cases of abuse, he doesn’t suggest others made him do it or it was a small thing.
Then, he makes “full restitution for his wrong.”
Restitution is an important part of the Old Testament law. Just saying you are sorry doesn’t cut it when it comes to repentance. If there is to be reconciliation, restitution is imperative.
The difficulty with restitution is the application of it when it comes to relational sins like abuse. And, as we are not a theocracy, we do not normally apply the Old Testament civil law directly to our setting.
However, much of the law can be applied within the church in a principled way (keeping in mind we must not create a list of Pharisaical laws based on “principles” we find in the Law).
It is certainly appropriate that we expect a leader in the home or workplace to not only apologize for their specific sins of abuse, but seek some form of restitution. I would suggest this gives evidence of real repentance.
What Does Restitution Look Like?
What might that look like? Though I have written of the “look” of repentance in other places, I would like to explore restitution here.
Note, that restitution was normally full payment for what was “stolen” or “destroyed” plus an additional punitive amount. Sometimes that additional amount was 1/5th the cost of replacement (like in Numbers 5:7). The amount of restitution was in part based on whether the loss was intentional, accidental, or criminal.
In essence, the greater the evil in the heart, the greater the restitution.
Accidents are not evil, so that additional amount is less. Stealing was particularly evil, and so in Exodus 22:1 the thief is to pay five times the number of oxen he has stolen. A stiff penalty.
What if we try to apply the principles of restitution to cases of abusive leadership? What would be required of the repentant leader?
Payment for necessary counseling for the victim.
Providing a safe place for the victim (new position in organization not under abusive authority).
Allowing the victim, without interuption or critique, to share in a public setting the evils perpetrated by the abuser.
Give up any authority formerly held by abuser.
Payment for lost wages (plus additional punitive amount) due to trauma in the workplace caused by the leader.
These are not biblical commands. They are only ideas. If you have other ideas, I would love for you to share them in the comment section.
“I Was Horribly Wrong”
Restitution is a means of giving feet to a confession. It can be evidence of a truly repentant heart. It can say to the victim of your sin, “I was horribly wrong and I must do all I can to make up for it.”
Though forgivess (another topic) may be given even when repentance is not in evidence, reconciliation is unlikely to happen without it, and should not be expected until true repentance is apparent to the victim.
This may mean restitution may be the evidence needed.
NOTES:
Saul and David make a fascinating study in repentance. Both did horrible things, but only David seeks to do all he can to make things right after doing some evil things. Consider Saul’s fear of David and abuser tactics and false repentance when David is running from his evil: 1 Samuel 19-27.
There is a strange dichotomy when it comes to respect and accountability.
There are those who see leaders as just one of the boys. They wish to get rid of as much hierarchicalism as possible. Leaders are just normal people given greater responsibility. They fail like the rest of us. Give them a break.
On the other hand, there are those who look to 1 Samuel 24:6 (or other passages) that say, “The LORD forbid that I should do this thing to my lord, the LORD’S anointed, to put out my hand against him, seeing he is the LORD’S anointed.” They give great regard to leaders, considering them the “Lord’s anointed” and are careful to show due respect. Probably better just turn a blind eye to their failings.
Both recognize the need for church leaders and a need to follow and submit to them. There is no real disagreement there.
And Then There Were Bad Ones
The difficulty comes when you have a bad—really bad—leader. How does our theology meet this challenge? Do we give the benefit of the doubt? Do we turn a blind eye? Or, do we bring the hammer down?
Scripture is replete with the call to respect, honor, and submit to leaders (Eph. 6:5, Col. 3:22, Rom. 13, 1 Tim. 5:17). No organization, religious or political, would survive without followers who submit.
However, some may be surprised that the respect, honor, and submission to leaders in the home, workplace, nation, or church are not absolute according to Scripture.
Bad leaders are held to account by the Lord and His people are called to hold them accountable for their failures where they have that ability.
Now Nadab and Abihu, the sons of Aaron, each took his censer and put fire in it and laid incense on it and offered unauthorized fire before the LORD, which he had not commanded them. 2 And fire came out from before the LORD and consumed them, and they died before the LORD. 3 Then Moses said to Aaron, “This is what the LORD has said: ‘Among those who are near me I will be sanctified, and before all the people I will be glorified.’” And Aaron held his peace.
Leviticus 10:1-3 (ESV)
Nadab and Abihu had been instructed clearly what kind of incense—the exact mixture of spices—was to be used in the worship of the Lord in the Old Testament tent of meeting (later Temple). For some reason they had taken this lightly and done their own thing.
The Lord struck them down.
We can surmise that the Lord was making a very clear example of them just as He did with Ananias and Saphira in New Testament times (Acts 5).
Another example of the Lord holding his leaders accountable is Eli’s family in the Old Testament.
Hophni and Phinehas, sons of Eli, were priests who led in the worship of the Lord when Israel was moving towards a monarchy. They were failing to follow the requirements of priests and they were sexually assaulting the women under their leadership who served the worship of God’s people (1 Sam. 2:22-25).
Like Nadab and Abihu, the Lord took them out (1 Sam. 4).
In each of these cases, the punishment was death and it came directly from the Lord. The LORD held them accountable for their leadership sins.
And His People Hold Leaders Accountable
It is important to note that the Lord also reprimanded Eli for his failure to hold Hophni and Phinehas accountable for their sin.
Why then do you scorn my sacrifices and my offerings that I commanded for my dwelling, and honor your sons above me . . .
1 Samuel 2:29 (ESV)
It is not just the Lord to Whom we look to bring accountability, but we, as His people, are also responsible for keeping church leaders accountable. Do note that Eli was both their father and the primary priest who was in authority over Hophni and Phinehas. It is not implied or stated that these men’s wives were expected in the narrative to hold their husbands accountable. It would not have been safe for them.
Paul effectively navigates the honor and accountability of leaders issue when he writes to Timothy, a young pastor he has mentored:
For the Scripture says, “You shall not muzzle an ox when it treads out the grain,” and, “The laborer deserves his wages.” 19 Do not admit a charge against an elder except on the evidence of two or three witnesses. 20 As for those who persist in sin, rebuke them in the presence of all, so that the rest may stand in fear. 21 In the presence of God and of Christ Jesus and of the elect angels I charge you to keep these rules without prejudging, doing nothing from partiality.
1 Timothy 5:18-21 (ESV)
After encouraging congregations to provide for elders (pastors), showing respect for their position, it says leaders can not only be challenged by congregant members for their sin but be publicly rebuked.
Leaders are not free from criticism or accountability by virtue of their high position. Church leaders should hear complaints and investigate in a timely way.
There is to be no “partiality” given to leaders. It was the cultural norm that leaders were given more leeway in their failures. They were very powerful and influential. Even in our time, social media may get blown up, but most leaders are given the benefit of the doubt. Only when things completely fall apart does accountability come.
However, we are to hold leaders accountable. Do not show partiality to them.
Matthew 18 vs. 1 Timothy 5
In addition, Matthew 18 takes us through the normal process of confronting a brother who has sinned against us. In Timothy, Paul raises those stakes when it comes to church leaders.
In this passage, the report (confrontation) is coming from two (or three) witnesses, apparently to the leaders in the church (Timothy). This is not the one-on-one confrontation Jesus teaches in Matthew’s Gospel where the individual is to confront a brother directly and do so by himself.
In Timothy, the witnesses (multiple) go directly to others (possibly other leaders), with no mention of the sinning leader being in the room, and the leader who is sinning is publicly rebuked.
It is at times unsafe to congregant members (or employees of the church) to go to a leader to confront just as it is in a work situation where the boss has the power to fire or make your life miserable. This is often a problem in confrontation ethics. Most naysayers will immediately quote Matthew 18 and complain about someone who is uncomfortable confronting a leader one-on-one. They will say, you must go to the sinning leader one-on-one to be biblical. That is the experience of hoards of people who have sought accountability for their leaders.
But, Paul’s words appear to provide a confrontation ethic for these situations specifically with leaders. In Timothy the Word is speaking about church hierarchy, unlike Jesus’s words in Matthew’s Gospel. And he does not suggest one-on-one confrontation, but rather two or three speaking on the side with other leaders. Again, there is no mention of the sinful leader being present.
The “whistleblowers” are given protection.
And there is more.
The abusive leader is held accountable.
Higher Standards
Yes, we honor and submit to leaders. But, Scripture also makes it evident that those same leaders are called to a higher standard of accountability.
As leaders they are responsible to be an example . . . and so their failure is also to be an example. These are Paul’s words in 1 Timothy 5:21. The public rebuke is “so that the rest may stand in fear.” Leaders are not given greater benefit of the doubt. A public statement is not kept under wraps indefinitely in order to show honor and respect.
It says in the ESV, those “who persist in sin” should be publicly rebuked. Note that the word “persist” is not in the Greek text. It is an interpretation by the translators that, after being challenged by the leaders following a report of misdeeds, the one who continues to sin is to be rebuked publicly. This interpretation seems to be saying that only the unrepentant leader is to be publicly rebuked.
But that may not be what Paul is saying. Paul may be saying that because there are multiple witnesses to the leader’s sin, the leader has a pattern of wrongdoing that is doing damage to God’s people (or others) and needs to be stopped now! It is evident that he is unrepentant.
In fact, it may help to look at other translations of that verse:
Them that sin reprove in the sight of all, that the rest also may be in fear. (ASV) Publicly rebuke those who sin, so that the rest will also be afraid. (HCSB) Them that sin rebuke before all, that others also may fear. (KJV) But those elders who are sinning you are to reprove before everyone, so that the others may take warning. (NIV)
1 Timothy 5:21
There is no mention in other translations that there is a “persistence” of sin. Other translators did not read in unrepentance but have given us a more literal translation of Paul’s words of exhortation.
Is it possible that Paul is saying that the fact there are two or more witnesses means there is a pattern of sinful failure (or the sin affected multiple people) on the leader’s part and there needs to be a public response?
His failures are not isolated, but rather widespread or major enough and need to be stopped?
It is possible that he has been confronted . . . over and over. This has been my experience in interviews with those who have struggled with a toxic leader.
For the Good of the Church
Maybe the number of gross leadership failures in recent years will be prevented in the future by immediate and decisive action. Maybe Paul’s exhortation would provide an example for leaders who believe they are “above the law.”
Decisive action on the church’s part will bring an end to horrific leadership.
For the good of victims. For the good of future victims. For the good of all those under the leader’s authority. For the good of the church or organization.
And for the good of Jesus Christ.
Hold leaders accountable. Do not put up with their strange fire.
Having spent nearly a decade working for a mission college in Africa, I have a keen interest in African leadership. It is evident that leadership problems abound in every part of the world. There is no culture that is free from the effects of sinful leadership.
Each culture has horrible leaders. And, each culture gives them a free pass for various and often different reasons.
Bad leaders may not be held accountable for their sin because of their popularity and gifting in certain places (i.e. United States). And, bad leaders may continue unabated because they “must be respected” in other cultures (African or Asian). I am not an expert on cultures, so these are only my opinions after cursory evaluations.
Praise’s Story
When I spoke with Praise (not his real name), he shared his own experience with leadership abuse in the African nation in which he grew up. Praise was a young man when he traveled to a distant village to assist a pastor while going to school. The pastor took him into his house, but did not pay him anything.
Praise enjoyed the work, walking over four miles to the church each day. His living arrangements at the pastor’s home was the “sitting room” where the TV was and had arise early to be out of the way and go to bed late often as the family watched TV.
The real trouble started when he began “dating” a woman and wanted to marry her. The pastor and leadership of the church however, wanted him to marry someone else. Their choice of a wife lived in a neighboring country.
Physical and Spiritual Wounds
While escorting the woman to her home at 6 pm one evening, he was attacked by several men. They took pangas (machetes) to Praise. He was badly hurt. The savage attack was likely tribal according to Praise. To his disappointment, despite using a little room behind the church, no one from the church were of any help to him.
Rather than seek help for and encourage Praise, the pastor accusingly told him, “See, I told you not to marry this lady.”
When Praise was giving testimony to the church about the attack, he expressed his frustration at the lack of help that he received from church members as he recovered from his wounds. But, the pastor told the church, “I don’t know this man. I don’t know who brought you to this church.”
The pastor then proceeded to ask him to write a resignation letter, though his position was only voluntary.
Praise taught a Sunday morning Bible study each week at the church. During the church worship “announcements” following Praise’s Bible study, the pastor publicly railed against Praise, telling the members of the church “not to have anything to do with him.” According to Praise, the pastor told the church he was “excommunicating Praise that day.”
Adding insult to injury, he proclaimed authoritaringly that Praise would “never succeed.”
Praise left and went to another church.
Rampant Authoritarianism
Praise told me, in churches that have “less structure” like mission churches, the “members give a lot of respect to pastors.” He said, “Even when members are being abused by pastors, it is hard to identify.”
He explained, they would “rather be oppressed quietly for the sake of getting something small for the family.” Men of low economic class suffer the most. They see God as speaking more to the pastor. “The Pastor is a mediator between me and God.”
Praise noted that it is difficult for congregant members to know whether the pastor is speaking revelation from the Lord or their own words.
In addition, Praise said, “The calling of individual pastors is defined by how they act socially, economically and how they are connected politically.” If they have money then God has blessed them and therefore, they must be specially called.
“Even if a pastor is a molester, but has money, followers do not speak up.”
Praise said, “It’s very frustrating. They take advantage of widows and orphans . . . even sleep with them, but give them money. Because they are poor they feel threatened by pastors.”
Continued Leadership Struggles
Hurt and confused, Praise left the church and planted another church. It grew significantly. They even brought on an Assistant Pastor to help Praise in his work.
His Assistant invited several friends as preachers to an evening vigil they had planned. It is common for African churches to have long nighttime meetings with much singing and praying with additional guests speaking to the congregation.
However, Praise said, “One of the visiting preachers accused me of not respecting my assistant pastor whom they expected I should work under. He used a traditional saying ‘when the cat is out the rat takes the reins of power.’ In this context, I was the rat and my Assistant Pastor was the cat.”
Another job opportunity was presented to Praise after he had finished his Masters degree. The international church organization seemed to be a good fit for Praise. He made the “shortlist” from those applying but after interviewing he was not picked for the position. Apparently, having come from a “small church” was the reason according to one of the panelists.
Again, another organization had an opening for which Praise applied. However, he was required to attain a recommendation letter from “a local church organization.” When he requested the letter, an American women who was married to a Kenyan told him that they would not provide a recommendation letter. She did not give him a reason, but later he found out that she had asked the church organization to write a recommendation letter for her husband who was also applying for the position.
Most recently, Praise has been teaching for a local university, “but because of tribalism” he was never paid. In the space of three years of serving the university he has received $35.
But, as he continues to somehow provide for his family, he has not given up the struggle.
Healing
When I asked Praise what has provided the most healing for him while going through these many difficult leadership difficulties, he said, “Speaking to a friend to take solace. Just speaking with him – speaking into his life.”
In addition, he explained, “My wife has stood beside me. I almost threw off my doctoral work.” One of his graduate professors encouraged Praise. He helped him know that God would help him in what he was going through if he remain focused.
At times, like Job, Praise asked, “Why did God do this? Why have you taken my life to be an object of test? You are breaking me. You are stretching me too much.”
He said he began asking if he was not praying well? “Sometimes I get too ‘traditional’ . . . some believe that if a person is going through a lot of suffering he has been ‘bewitched.'” But he said in his frustration, “I am born again! Why can’t you, Lord deal with it?”
It was a very hard time, but he neither gave up on Christ nor ministry.
Praise is currently part of an international “think tank” that is seeking ways to help the global church respond to abuse and create safe churches for those who are suffering or have suffered abuse of various kinds.
Praise knows he has experienced trauma, but the Lord is His Good Shepherd and he knows that God provides for the oppressed.
Emily joined the African mission work because it “sounded good. It was the way we should be helping.”
The mission hosted an orphanage and had plans to build a school and tech center for women. It was holistic in its service to the poverty-stricken community.
Emily had just graduated from college and was ready to begin her life in a foreign land, serving people as Christ would want her to serve. Emily bought her plane ticket with the intention of being a career missionary. She was excited to serve the Lord in this way.
Emily began our discussion saying that the mission was “shiny,” but when she had been with the Christian organization for a little while, that glitter began to wear off. She said, “When I saw the other side of the mission, it was like a one way mirror.”
Image
It started with small things.
The soap that they were teaching the nationals to make had a variety of ingredients. But, when it was marketed in the United States certain ingredients were left off the label.
“It was not a big deal,” she said, but she was curious why the ministry was leaving them off.
There was a constant flow of visitors. As Janice (the mission Director) would show the visitors around, Emily heard the same refrain over and over. The orphans they were serving were put on display. Emily said, mockingly, “Come and smile for these white people. Sing songs because they like that.”
Emily noted that there were so many visitors that Janice didn’t even know the children because she was so busy “showing off” the mission. Emily explained, “She didn’t know the culture, the values, important things to raising a kid. Yeah, she knew that in America, but in Africa there was a completely different value system.”
She saw a disconnect from the culture and seemingly little interest in getting to know the people on a real day-to-day level.
It was like the image presented of the organization was all that mattered, not whether it was actually serving the community or not.
Racial Boundaries
One day she was confronted by Janice. She said, “I need you to be in charge of those women in back. Yer the boss.” Emily said she felt so uncomfortable with that. “I was 23 and some of these women had grandchildren.”
Rather than allow the nationals do works of ministry, the “white girl” from America needed to be in charge. Why would Emily, who had so little experience with children, be the “boss” to a group of women who had years and years of experience?
But, there was a disturbing boundary between the Africans and Americans.
They would go to a local church together, but the Americans would be put in the front row seats and everyone stared at them. Emily explained that they would “pretend to cross the cultures periodically,” but there was no real interest in tearing down racial divides.
Laws of the Land
Janice was also breaking the country’s laws in a variety of ways in the name of “ministry.”
The ministry was saving money by purchasing rice on the black market.
They were forging birth certificates. They made up the ages for the children to encourage adoptions.
When Emily questioned Janice, she said, “This is how things work over here. I’ve been here a long time.”
But Emily, said, “As a 23 year-old you begin to think its okay to do all these morally wrong things while saying we are standing for righteousness!” She said, “There was so much truth mixed in with it that over time I began to question whether it really was the way to do it.”
Be Warmed and Be Filled
There is a passage in James that challenges our tendency to do what is expedient rather than providing real, tangible help to others in need.
If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, 16 and one of you says to them, “Go in peace, be warmed and filled,” without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that? So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.
James 2:15-17 (ESV)
Emily shared that Janice was gone one day and a local family came asking for help. They needed food or money. Emily told me,
“We said no, we can’t help you right away. Then later that day we had the realization, ‘What did we just do?’ It was almost like we had been brainwashed. We couldn’t help unless we got something out of it.”
She said it was a sobering moment. Emily reflected, “Shouldn’t we be helping – pushing back a bit?” But she said Janice would just say, “We can’t help everyone.”
There were more stories and it seemed to Emily that what they cared about was looking good and making money but didn’t really care about taking care of the kids there.
Emily told a heart-rending story of a two year-old who was brought to the orphanage. The child had a broken leg and was malnourished. She needed traction on her leg, but Janice was too busy and wouldn’t be of any help. Emily spent much time talking to doctors, but finally the child’s mother came and took her to Doctors Without Borders.
Getting Out
When Emily decided she needed to get out, she sought to bring some accountability to Janice by going to the board of the ministry.
She said, “I had a list of all the injustices. I laid it out for the board. But they simply responded, ‘Well, she’s been there so long. We just have to trust what she’s doing.'”
Emily sadly said she was in a long line. There were at least four others who had gone to the board before her.
She moved to a house nearby before returning to the United Stated. Emily explained, “I didn’t want my name associated with the ministry.” One of the boys in the orphanage begged her, “You can’t leave us with her!” She said it deeply hurt. She felt guilt that she was abandoning the children.
Learning
When I asked her what she focused on in the midst of the fire, she said, “I kept thinking about what Jesus would be doing? What would that look like. Thinking about how faith works into this? What does it look like for an organization to follow Christ?”
She said she read the gospels. Her experience put into perspective what the Bible said about the outcasts of society.
And Emily talked to anyone she could when she came home. She wisely noted, “I knew who not to talk to because of cultural clues.” Her experience like so many was that some people just don’t want to hear about apparent failure on the mission field. Some just want you to get over it and move on. They tire of hearing your story.
Some people had the attitude, “you made a commitment.” That was not helpful, she said.
Healing
I asked Emily what has been most healing for her over the past years since returning from the mission.
She said, “Talking to other people in similar circumstances.” Emily would realize that she wasn’t crazy when hearing other stories. She had been living with that feeling of insecurity.
In addition, it has been helpful to share frequently with a friend that was with her there at the mission. She tries to remember the sweet times. She doesn’t want to throw the baby out with bathwater and forget that there was good ministry there as well.
She met her husband three weeks after getting back to the United States. Emily said,
“He loved me no matter what crazy thoughts I had. Especially in the beginning. It’s an experience that will never leave. It impacts everything about me. Having someone who isn’t judging was incredibly healing.”
When she and her husband moved to a small town in the west, she crossed paths with a woman who had had a similar experience on the mission field in Africa. They sat down at Emily’s house and she told some of her story and Emily told hers. Emily said, “That was one of the most healing times.”
Forgiveness
I asked her what her journey of forgiveness has been like. She said it was a “big question everyone asks.” She said, “I don’t care to have a relationship with Janice, but have come to where I can have grace for her knowing her brokenness. She’s a human too.”
But, she added, “I could never trust her again.”
Emily noted, “Not forgiving only hurts me. She doesn’t know I haven’t forgiven. It only creates bitterness.”
But, it has been a slow process. She doesn’t think forgiving is just a “one and done” kind of experience. “I still can find myself getting up and angry again. It is more like a spiral . . . I just keep coming back to it. It is such a complicated thing.”
Some Advice
When I asked Emily if she had some advice for others suffering under toxic organizational leadership she said,
“Get out!”
She has seen others stick it out in abusive church leadership situations and the trauma and pain it has caused has convinced her that she took the right step of getting back on the plane.
“You can tell when someone is being called to do what they do and it never looks like an abusive situation.”
"In this world we go through trouble. Our God will never crush us - we may be pressed down, but not crushed."
Despite all he had gone through under a toxic leader, Kani preached the Gospel to me. The leader of the international organization for which he worked fired him after he confronted corrupt ministry practices.
As a ministry in Africa to refugee children, there was much good being done to raise up the devastated youth; providing training, equipment, and capital to create businesses. The laws of the land did not allow refugees to seek employment outside their refugee camp and the organization was doing some creative problem-solving to provide opportunities for employment that was legal.
Kani was a project coordinator, in part overseeing supplier bids for equipment needs. When the supplies, like computers and peripherals, were delivered he also went through the packages to make sure everything matched what was paid for.
That is where Kani ran into trouble.
Bribery
When a shipment arrived in 2019 Kani was surprised to see computer equipment that did not match the specifications of the bids they received. The computers were worth much less than what the ministry paid.
Kani said the organization could not accept the equipment.
For his attempt to be financially accountable and to provide quality help to the refugees he was confronted by the national Director. A meeting was called that included the supplier. When Kani would not back down, the Director shouted at him in anger. He told him he had made a mistake and to check again.
Kani checked again and it was very clear that the bid did not fit the equipment recieved.
Kani explained, “It was likely someone was involved with the supplier. Sometimes suppliers will give 10% to someone inside the organization bribe them purchase from from the company.” He said this was not unusual.
Kani was not willing to be part of that. He would not allow them to steal from the stakeholders.
All Things Happen for the Good
But leaving the organization was problematic. In a poverty-torn nation, there were few jobs and to leave could be financially devastating to his young family.
When it happened a second time in 2021, Kani was not given that choice. His employment contract was ended.
Kani was encouraged by fellow employees, beneficiaries of the ministry, and friends to fight the firing. He certainly had grounds for writing to the organization’s main office and complaining of the clearly toxic environment he was enduring.
But Kani said, “All things happen for the good and God is in control.” He explained that he knew that God would take care of him. He was not suffering for “doing wrong” as Peter wrote:
If anyone suffers as a Christian, let him not be ashamed, but let him glorify God in that name . . . Therefore let those who suffer according to God’s will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good.
1 Peter 4:16, 19 (ESV)
Kani said that some saw his suffering as punishment, but he knew God would “make a way.”
In those difficult times, not knowing how he would put food on the table and care for his wife and new baby, Kani found solace in the biblical books of Daniel and Esther. He saw all the “stories of people trying to do something bad and evil.” But God was working all things together for the good of those who love Him.
Scripture was pouring from his lips as he shared the help he found in God’s grace.
Kani was learning that he couldn’t “put faith and hope in a job.” He said, “I needed to stay grounded like a tree planted by water. It won’t whither. I will bear fruit in season.“
Toxic Leader
Following being “let go,” Kani received word from those left behind in the organization that the leader had been confronted for financial mismanagement and sexual impropriety with minor girls. He was fired.
Recently, Kani was contacted by a project coordinator for the ministry and was asked to meet with him. He ended up meeting with the coordinator and a consultant who began by apologizing for the horrific treatment he had received. Kani welcomed the vindication.
They then proceeded to ask how the organization could be fixed. I asked if it was an exit interview of sorts? Kani replied, “Yes, it was a bit like that . . . just way too late.”
Kani hopes they will investigate and take steps to root out the corruption.
A New Life
His wife, Nao stuck with him through it all and within a couple months he had landed a new job in another aid organization based in the United Kingdom.
However, this one was not a Christian organization. But, Kani noted wryly, “People are hiding behind christian organizations.” He said, “In the my new organization people love each other. It is very diverse and inclusive – it demonstrates love.” There is common grace at work.
As we talked, I was struck by Kani’s trust and dependence on the Lord. It was evident that he had been deeply hurt by the organization’s leader (and others) but that, despite the fears he had about losing a coveted job, Kani was unwilling to leave his integrity at the church doors. [see this article]
Taking that kind of risk – not going along with financial mismanagement to save your job – would be crazy. But only by the world’s standards.
But Kani does not live by the world’s standards. He was willing to put his head on the chopping block that Christ might be glorified in his life.
It is a great story. God’s Kingdom is expanding at an extraordinary rate. The church is loving God and neighbor and is growing like crazy.
But, Herod, the king, was doing what he could to please the Jews, rather than God. He had James killed and had Peter arrested and put in jail. Then the unusual happened.
Now when Herod was about to bring him out, on that very night, Peter was sleeping between two soldiers, bound with two chains, and sentries before the door were guarding the prison. And behold, an angel of the Lord stood next to him, and a light shone in the cell. He struck Peter on the side and woke him, saying, “Get up quickly.” And the chains fell off his hands. And the angel said to him, “Dress yourself and put on your sandals.” And he did so. And he said to him, “Wrap your cloak around you and follow me.” And he went out and followed him.
Acts 12:6-9 (ESV)
Wow.
Miraculously set free by Christ.
But then, we see how toxic leadership creates havoc for others besides their targets.
Now when day came, there was no little disturbance among the soldiers over what had become of Peter. And after Herod searched for him and did not find him, he examined the sentries and ordered that they should be put to death. Then [Peter] went down from Judea to Caesarea and spent time there.
Acts 12:18-19 (ESV)
Absolute Authority and Control
What strikes me about this story is not the miraculous intervention of the Lord on Peter’s and the church’s behalf—which is incredible—but the almost unnoticeable story of Herod’s employees—the guards of the jail.
When Peter was supernaturally saved from Herod’s prison, Herod held the guards accountable. Of course, this was normal practice for the day. The king would have to show that if the prison guards didn’t do their job there was the worst possible punishment coming—death. Surely, other guards would take notice and toe the line.
But, in this case it points to the wickedness of the leader rather than any sense of justice—even in Herod’s screwy world.
Herod needed to establish his absolute authority and control. The guards must die for their failure to keep Peter in prison, though Peter was unchained at no fault of their own.
Evil men impact the lives of others . . . even those who are not necessarily the intended targets of their evil.
The guards died for Herod’s sins.
In time, Herod gets his just due for his toxicity. [A few verses later Luke explains that Herod died a horrible death that is linked to God’s judgment]. But for now, it is those who were simply going about their job, doing what they could to provide for their families, whose lives are ended.
Toxic Spillage
If you work for a Christian organization (or other) that is ruled by a toxic leader, be aware. It will spill out and over you. It is one thing to work for a rotten leader who just doesn’t know how to lead well. We may even say his heart is in the right place. He just doesn’t make good decisions. And those failures impact those they rule.
But if you are working for a Ravi Zacharius, Jerry Falwell Jr., James McDonald, or Mark Driscoll the toxic spillage will drown you. What they do to John is likely in time to happen to you.
Just do a Google search on all the damage done to employees of these toxic leaders.
Chuck DeGroat notes, “They all bear trauma in their bodies and brains. Sleeplessness. Paranoia. Shame. Rage. Indecision. Depression. Anxiety. Suicidal thoughts.”1 This is the testimony of the traumatized over and over.
It isn’t pretty and suffering the “side-effects” of toxic leadership is not worth it.
For years, my family was treated with great kindness by the toxic leaders of our mission organization. We have often said, “We were the favored ones.” But, in time, we faced their wickedness just like others had.
John worked for a major international mission agency and thought he was good friends with the CEO. However, that didn’t stop the CEO from finally taking John’s office keys and requiring him to be out of his desk in short order for doing nothing other than giving some helpful recommendations.
I can guarantee it will happen to you as well unless you very intentionally become complicit in your leader’s evil.
You will be required to keep your head down. You will have to say “yes sir” to every demand no matter how unbiblical. You will be required to keep your mouth shut when unethical (and maybe illegal) practices come to your attention.
I can promise you, it is not God’s calling for you to grovel under such leaders.
And, do not believe for a moment you will escape their onslaught even if you do take the knee.
This article includes topics such as sexual assault, domestic violence, stalking, physical violence, and spiritual abuse. I acknowledge that this content may be difficult. I also encourage you to care for your safety and well-being.
Second in a three-part series on two women who were sexually abused, one of their families, and the church leadership that failed to protect and care for them.
“I felt so dirty and worthless and useless and to be reminded of my worth in Christ is something I still depend on to this day when the doubts creep in.“
You would think that some former druggie, murderer, or adulterer said this. Looking back at his great sin, he turned to Jesus to see that He continues to love him though, like King David, he had failed miserably. But, now, he had turned from his sin in repentance.
But, that wasn’t the case.
Emily was raped.
Her great evil was being sexually molested repeatedly by a neighbor when a child and then being raped repeatedly by her boyfriend both before and during their engagement.
Her church leaders have said these were Emily’s fault.
Her church leadership not only turned a blind eye to her rapist, but told her she was shut out from the kingdom of heaven. Rather than be reminded of her “worth in Christ,” she has been crushed by God’s shepherds.
Like in Mia’s case (see her story) Emily’s church was not some radical fringe, cultish group. Rather, she was raised in a small, but respected denomination that prides itself on doctrinal thoughtfulness and purity.
But her church leadership has acted with anything but thoughtfulness or purity. They have acted with as great an evil as I have seen in these cases of leadership abuse.
Emily’s Story
Emily went through a period of blindness and attended a blind school for a short time when she was 18. She told me, the blindness was diagnosed as due to PTSD from her childhood sexual molestation and has since been resolved.
She said she began dating Jeff out of rebellion there but was “forcibly stopped” by her parents. They “tricked” her into leaving the school leading her to believe they had a family emergency. She explained, “They refused to let me out of the vehicle once they confronted me about my relationship” with Jeff.
Emily soon after attended a Christian singles conference where she met Chip. He was a big man and a member of one of her denominational churches in another city. They met up once again the following summer when they both attended the conference again and began “dating” over email.
Emily had no desire to marry Chip, but she explained to me, “I felt like I was used goods and nobody else would ever want me after that.” She and Chip ended up getting engaged.
But, she discovered him to be controlling and he hurt her repeatedly, physically and sexually, even before they were engaged.
Following one of his rapes she was taken to the Emergency Room where he remained by her bedside every minute. One of the nurses wrote in Emily’s record that she was very concerned about the “psychological circumstances of family at the bedside” along with several other comments about who was with her in the ER room. It can only be assumed that Chip was keeping a close watch on what she would report to the doctors and the nurse had suspicions as to the cause of her injuries.
Emily has pictures of the bruising. She said,
“I did try to report this to the [church leadership] but was rebuked and told to stop slandering my [fiance] in order to balm my own conscience.”
In addition, Chip had made comments that “he had molested both of his sisters as children and hoped that I could produce several daughters during our marriage.”
Emily was frightened and confused.
She reached out to Jeff once again. He offered to put her up in an apartment he had access to while she healed.
Emily stayed up all night, packed up what she could in garbage bags, and left her family’s home without them knowing. She told me,
“I left a 4-page letter on the kitchen table for my parents and Chip. [During] the entire trip to [Jeff’s city] Chip blew up my phone constantly. In the past if I didn’t answer messages and calls immediately he would hound me and others until I responded.“
That evening and well into the night, Emily’s father and other church leaders were texting and messaging her. They were
“begging me to come home for the good of my soul and blasting me for the sins they thought I had committed, including living with a man I wasn’t married to. Never mind that we had separate apartments.”
In time, her father quit contacting her, but her pastor continued messaging unabated. Emily was being “shunned” by her family and “hounded” by her pastor.
“I asked many times to be allowed to show evidence of the sexual abuse and physical abuse – both in the form of deep bruises and scars (that were still visible months later) and electronic proof I had gathered and kept.”
Since her mother was not speaking to her, Emily even offered evidence of the abuse to a lady in her church.
Emily said,
“Pastor Johnson said anything I submitted would be useless and automatically dismissed/denied because of the way I had left made me an ‘unreliable witness.’ I was not even allowed to submit proof since it was simply an attempt for me to excuse my sexual immorality.”
Playing the Harlot
Emily was compared to Jezebel. She was told she had “played the harlot.” She was told she could be “Rahab” (a prostitute) though needed the redemption Rahab got and she didn’t have.
She was called a “whore.”
Emily was told she had “lied to Chip” because she had not told him she was leaving.
“I was told that as a condition of repentance I would need to send Chip an apology letter specifically citing the sexual sins in full, explicit detail that I had led him into and for breaking my ‘vows of betrothal to him.‘”
She sent a letter that she described as full of the “juicy details.” But, Emily also begged to show the church leaders her evidence of abuse.
Her letter wasn’t good enough. She was planning to marry Jeff, who was a Catholic, and that showed she was unrepentant. It was believed that he could not be a Christian and Catholic.
She was then required to tell Jeff she did not believe he was a Christian and he was going to hell.
Emily was excommunicated by the church.
To Open and Shut the Kingdom Gates
“After the excommunication it was as if I no longer existed. Pastor Johnson had told me I was also being excommunicated because Jeff was Catholic and he told me that they, as elders, had the authority to open and shut the gates of heaven. And that they were shut to me.”
It was a Catholic priest who was most helpful in her healing. Emily told me the priest assured her, “Whatever sins I had committed I had been forgiven for by my faith in Jesus’s sacrifice and that it was time to also heal from the spiritual and physical wounds I had.”
The priest offered to have a couple Sisters sit with her.
Amazingly, Emily continued to seek the blessing of her former church. She reached out to them a year later and they told her she needed to show at least 8-12 months of repentance for her membership to be reinstated. Emily said she lived in “absolute terror of making an error.“
As evidence of repentance, Emily was told to remove pictures of her wedding from Facebook that included her new husband with the feet of Jesus in the background.
Emily said, “I was required to stand in front of the congregation while my sins were read aloud in graphic specifics.” However, her parents were unwilling to see her so she was not present when they read her “confession” to the church.
She “started to wear a head covering and only wore long skirts to further exhibit humility and submission since Pastor Johnson said that humility was a sign of repentance.”
Where To Now?
Emily is crying out. She has been so deeply hurt by the church and her family, on top of the trauma caused by sexual abuses she has suffered over the years. She has held it in, trying to go on with her life. But she wants her story to help others.
She has received so little vindication. It took much for her to open up to others about the spiritual abuse she has faced. Those with which she has trusted her spiritual growth and safety have so badly failed in ministering to her in her brokenness.
And Emily wants to see her relationship with her parents redeemed.
Who is going to humble themselves and seek her forgiveness. Who is going to recognize that their theology has gone seriously awry when they consider rape to be the woman’s fault?
Who is going to step aside from their complicity with rape and spiritual abuse and seek her forgiveness on their knees?
Unfortunately, it is not looking hopeful.
Emily needs to have the final word in her story:
“In sharing all of this I in no way excuse my sinful nature or the fact that everyday I am in need of God’s mercy and grace. That being said, I firmly believe the way I was treated was grossly negligent and spiritually abusive. I need safety and support. I needed shepherding and healing. All I found when I most needed love and light was damnation and darkness. I came to them bleeding and broken and they left me more broken still.
Growing up dad and mom taught us God uses broken, fallen vessels for his purpose and glory . . . I can’t help but think this is one of those cases. I found safety with Jeff when literally no one else was safe or could provide that safety for me. And we have a beautiful family and my husband loves the Lord and we are raising our daughters to know their worth in Christ and His love.“
