Category Archives: Driscoll Mars Hill

Silencing Victims in the Church: Kayla and Amber’s Story

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Amber, a young adult, was committed to church. She loved the fellowship and teaching.

Then something happened.

Her friend, Kayla, noticed it in her church attire at first. One Sunday she wore a prom dress. The next, Amber wore jeans to church. Kayla said it was strange.

“I knew something was wrong.”

Kayla’s Story

Kayla was hired by the church when an old friend became the pastor. It was a rough start when she sought to engage a small group of women led by an older, very wealthy matriarch.

Kayla was not welcome. They misinterpreted her reaction to them when they had tried to hide their alcoholic drinks from her, telling others Kayla was judging them (she wasn’t).

When the matriarch was “slandering” her, Kayla asked permission to attend their small group get together to clear the air. She was rebuffed.

So, she went to her pastor and boss, Brandon. Despite having stuck up for the music minister facing a similar situation, the pastor told Kayla to just get over it. “It’s just part of ministry,” he explained. “It’s time to put on your big girl pants.”

The New Elder

Kevin was in training to become a new elder at the church. They were nearing the time that the church would “ordain” him in the new leadership position. But Kayla had heard stories about Kevin that were concerning.

Kayla attempted to warn Pastor Brandon that Kevin had a reputation as possibly an adulterer; she had heard that he had a sexual relationship with a woman, not his wife. The pastor brushed it off and said, “I know Kevin. Of course, he wouldn’t do such a thing.”

The ordination went forward.

Reporting the Abuse

Meanwhile, Kayla sought out Amber, asking her if something was wrong. At first, Amber said nothing was wrong, but a few months later, when Kayla again approached her, Amber poured out her heart.

Amber had been sexually assaulted by Elder Kevin.

Thus began a long road of incredible hurt for Amber, Kayla, and her husband, Zachary. And failure on the part of church leadership.

Kayla convinced Amber to speak with her husband, Kayla’s husband Zachary (a professional Christian counselor), and Pastor Brandon. The first meeting with Zachary and Amber’s husband went well. The men were understanding, attentive, and supportive.

However, if Kayla had it to do over again, she said she would not have pushed Amber to talk to the pastor. Kayla assured Amber the pastor would “hold Elder Kevin accountable” for the assault.

That evening they went to the pastor’s house and Amber bravely shared her story. The first thing Pastor Brandon asked her was, “Were you drunk?”

From that point on it was a battle. Was Pastor Brandon blinded by Kevin’s wealth? Or some kind of loyalty? After all, Kevin had chaired the pulpit committee that had hired Pastor Brandon. Or was it something else? 

Standing For Oppression

As Kayla sought to bring accountability to Kevin before the other elders, she faced one roadblock after another.

  • The elders didn’t believe Amber. She had been drinking so somehow it was her fault. Amber had denied ever being drunk, but they didn’t believe that either.
  • Amber’s story has been slowly coming out just as those who are traumatized slowly piece things together according to experts. But Pastor Brandon has maintained that she must be lying because her story had changed. However, according to Kayla, Amber has been simply adding to the story as she has processed it over time, as can be expected.
  • Brandon said when he met with Kevin, “He sobbed like a baby.” Brandon said he had never seen a man so broken.

Shortly after reporting the assault to the church leader, Kevin contacted Amber asking her if he had “penetrated” her. (According to state law, there must be penetration to be classified as rape). In so doing, he admitted the assault, but obviously wanted to stay out of jail.

The elders in the end asked Kevin to leave the church but did not explain to the congregation what was happening and have never taken care of Amber aside from offering to pay for counseling. 

There has been no real public accounting for the credible accusations against Kevin.

Kicking a Dead Horse

As Kayla and Zachary pressed on, their livelihoods, spiritual, and emotional health have been profoundly damaged.

In seeking the accountability of these leaders, it has felt like kicking a dead horse. Except, this dead horse kicks back.

In a meeting with Pastor Brandon, he asked Kayla, “What if I said Amber has changed her story?” Kayla explained that it is a known fact that memories change in those who have been traumatized.

Kayla then tried to explain to Pastor Brandon the power differential between Amber and Kevin because of Kevin’s spiritual authority as an elder. In response, Pastor Brandon said “That’s CRT” (Critical Race Theory). Kayla, knowing that the leadership view those who hold any CRT views as “heretics” said, “I’m not a heretic.”

She described to me,

“He moved to the door with his arms folded. I couldn’t leave. Then he moved on to another case I was working on – a case of domestic abuse. He said disbelievingly about the accusation of abuse, ‘There are two sides to every story.’ So, I said, ‘But she works for me.’  He retorted that he had talked to husband for six hours, but I said, ‘I work with her for 20 hours a week!’

Brandon left the office but then came back to her. He said, “I want you to know you have a voice in this. Get it out and at some point we are done talking about this.” Kayla asked, “When?” She said he got angry and threatened, “I will do a nationwide search and replace you.”

He went on, “Though I disagree with 99 percent of Mark Driscoll, I would say he got one thing right: get on the bus or get run over.”

Wow. 

How We Always Talk

Kayla’s husband, Zachary was there for this heated exchange.

He was shocked by the outburst and when Brandon left, Zachary asked Kayla if he normally talked to her that way. He explained that Brandon was yelling at her. He described it as a “narcissistic kind of rage,” especially Brandon’s tirade, “I will not be accused here! I will not be put on trial!” in response to Kayla calmly reminding Brandon of something he said which he adamantly denied saying.

In response to Zachary, Kayla said, “That is the only way we talk.” Zachary went on, “He was obsessed with never being corrected.” Mimicking Brandon, he said, “This is how you have to talk to me.”

Kayla said Brandon’s solution to their conflict “was that we would meet once a week where he could correct me if I ‘misinterpreted’ anything he said.” Brandon basically demanded the right to reinterpret Kayla’s experience as it suited his agenda of control. 

This was not the only form of gaslighting Kayla experienced. At her first and only performance evaluation, Brandon provided positive feedback but zeroed in on one carefully chosen criticism: “Overly bearing the burdens of those under your ministry has the possibility of clouding your judgment.” This was said with clear reference to her relationship to Amber, and the message was subtle but clear: Brandon saw things clearly, but Kayla’s judgment could not be trusted. 

Kayla, burned out and depressed, finally asked for a leave of absence for a couple months. Pastor Brandon encouraged her to resign instead. She pushed back and made clear that her request was for a paid leave, not a resignation.

Kayla explained, “A couple, who met with Pastor Brandon, said he told them that I came to him on Tuesday and resigned and then came in Wednesday and changed my mind.” Kayla thinks it likely that is the same story the pastor told the elders.

At no point did she suggest that she was resigning.

The elders in the end approved Kayla’s leave.

Pastor Brandon then announced to the church staff that she was going to resign. She had to again push back and say loud and clear that she never resigned, she just asked for extended leave.

The NDA

However, during her leave the elders asked her to resign and sign a “Non-Disclosure Agreement.”

They would provide a severance package if she would sign it and resign. It would effectively silence her. She would be legally bound to keep her mouth shut about the failures of the church leadership . . . in particular, Pastor Brandon’s abusive leadership.

However, Kayla and Zachary would not be bought off, as they described it. Despite Kayla’s salary being their family’s primary source of funds, they were agreed that in good conscience they could not take a vow of silence.

Kayla refused the NDA.

The church leadership must have realized they were in trouble as they went ahead with a severance package (but only gave a portion of severance offered with NDA), and at the end of Kayla’s leave, fired her without any explanation or justification.

The Peace and Purity of the Church

After months of silence following the sexual assault, the elders called a congregational meeting to address the firing of Kayla as well as Kevin’s sexual assault.

The pastor began with a statement regarding Kayla’s termination. He explained,

“Let us be clear that there is no sin or character issue that has led us to this decision. Kayla is a remarkably gifted woman of God who has contributed greatly to our church and her ministries.”

The reason she was fired was that she continued to challenge the pastor and elders for their failure to take the kind of action that responding to a sexual predator in the church requires. Pastor Brandon in his statement denied this and did not express remorse for the horrible damage done by the sexual abuse of an elder, of whom they had been warned prior to installing in a leadership position.

Despite being encouraged by a respected abuse specialist in their denomination to seek a third-party investigation, they did not.

They did not make it public to provide a safe place for reports of other victims of Kevin’s abuse (though there were others reported to Kayla). During the congregational meeting questions were asked about the church’s investigation and the elders refused to answer them.

They had not brought in experts, neither law enforcement nor abuse consultants, to investigate.

Pastor Brandon confessed in the meeting that they should have come to the congregation with the information sooner, yet did not and have not asked Kayla’s or the survivor’s forgiveness for failing in this way to support them as they should.

In fact, the pastor noted defensively it was in their “rights” to not report to others there was a sexual offender among them.

When a question-and-answer time was coming to a close, one church member spoke passionately in Kayla’s defense:

“This is an extremely serious issue where, by all appearances, a wonderful person, who had impacted many of our lives very positively, was unfairly fired because she advocated for a victim and because she wouldn’t stop advocating for a victim.”

Bringing the meeting to a close, Pastor Brandon, in exasperation made a last-ditch effort to force submission to the church leadership and silence whistleblowers:

“If you still have issues, come to the elders, talk to them. But go directly to the parties that are offending you, and please, for the sake of the peace of the church, be careful how you talk to one another, or talk to other people, go directly to the source, and get these questions answered.”

Pastor Brandon went on:

And when we have disagreements, take them the session, and, you know, express your concerns and your grievances. But if it is a matter of a judgment call, God has ordained them, and you have elected them, to make those decisions on your behalf. And for the peace of the church, we need to leave it there. And then walk away and love each other.

His plea was to keep their failure to do what was right and failure to confess and seek forgiveness for their failures from destroying the church. Where admitting the wrong and seeking restitution would have healed many wounds that continue to this day, instead he recommended keeping things as private as possible.

As if that would serve “the peace and purity of the church.”  

Accountability

Following the meeting, a church family wrote to the elders,

“Abusers need to know that their predation will be met with consequences. Victims need to know that they have a place to turn where someone will listen. And the world needs to see that the church is serious about protecting the vulnerable.”

They went on,

“By your own words you make the case that Kayla’s firing was a retaliatory measure, designed to silence her from bringing Kevin’s sin into the light.”

But rather than seek real accountability for Kevin, the elders sent him to another church to continue his abuse.

Submission to [Bad] Authority

In a recent sermon, Pastor Brandon was speaking on submission to authority. As is common to church leadership abuse, it is not unusual for a pastor to double down on the submission topic when he is being challenged. He said in the sermon, “Never ever confuse authority and biblical leadership with arrogance or a power grab.”

Brandon proclaimed the innocence of the elders’ motives in their decisions. One of the elders argued that their decisions to keep Kevin’s felonies private were simply “judgment calls.” He said, “But when the decision is made, unless it’s something so sinful, you know, or so greatly unbiblical, then, we are called to submit for the peace of the church.”

Sounds very biblical and wise.

But, regarding such horrible treatment of victims and those who advocate for them as simply judgment calls is anathema to the Lord.

As one individual who has experienced leadership abuse said, “It seems that where there is leadership abuse in the church, you will always find spiritual abuse.”

It is when submission is taught from pulpits and in responses to questions about the ways authority is exercised in the church that the Scripture is used to control and manipulate. References in Scripture like Hebrews 13:17 and 1 Peter 2:13f are taken out of context and absolutized to suggest that no matter what the authority does, the subordinate is required to obey and submit.

It is poor exegesis and deeply damaging to God’s people. [see here]

Turned Upside Down

Kayla, Zachary, and Amber’s lives have been turned upside down by the leadership of their church. Rather than responding in silence, deception, justification, and anger, their leaders should have heard their cries. They should have taken decisive action to hold the abuser accountable.  They should have sought the healing of those who suffered under Kevin’s sexual assaults. 

And they should have seen how this crisis revealed Pastor Brandon’s abusive leadership.

If they haven’t, they should pack their bags. They do not belong in leadership.

NOTE: I recommend the below website. It provides excellent resources for survivors of clergy sexual abuse. God’s shepherds must be held accountable for oppressive behavior as the Lord held His shepherds accountable during the prophet Ezekiel’s time – Ezekiel 34.

Clergy Sexual Misconduct – We provide info & resources to those affected by clergy sexual misconduct (CSM) & ministries desiring to be a safe place.

Toxic Spillage: The Side-Effects of Following a Toxic Leader

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It is a great story. God’s Kingdom is expanding at an extraordinary rate. The church is loving God and neighbor and is growing like crazy.

But, Herod, the king, was doing what he could to please the Jews, rather than God. He had James killed and had Peter arrested and put in jail. Then the unusual happened.

Now when Herod was about to bring him out, on that very night, Peter was sleeping between two soldiers, bound with two chains, and sentries before the door were guarding the prison. And behold, an angel of the Lord stood next to him, and a light shone in the cell. He struck Peter on the side and woke him, saying, “Get up quickly.” And the chains fell off his hands. And the angel said to him, “Dress yourself and put on your sandals.” And he did so. And he said to him, “Wrap your cloak around you and follow me.” And he went out and followed him.

Acts 12:6-9 (ESV)

Wow.

Miraculously set free by Christ.

But then, we see how toxic leadership creates havoc for others besides their targets.

Now when day came, there was no little disturbance among the soldiers over what had become of Peter. And after Herod searched for him and did not find him, he examined the sentries and ordered that they should be put to death. Then [Peter] went down from Judea to Caesarea and spent time there.

Acts 12:18-19 (ESV)

Absolute Authority and Control

What strikes me about this story is not the miraculous intervention of the Lord on Peter’s and the church’s behalf—which is incredible—but the almost unnoticeable story of Herod’s employees—the guards of the jail.

When Peter was supernaturally saved from Herod’s prison, Herod held the guards accountable. Of course, this was normal practice for the day. The king would have to show that if the prison guards didn’t do their job there was the worst possible punishment coming—death. Surely, other guards would take notice and toe the line.

But, in this case it points to the wickedness of the leader rather than any sense of justice—even in Herod’s screwy world.

Herod needed to establish his absolute authority and control. The guards must die for their failure to keep Peter in prison, though Peter was unchained at no fault of their own.

Evil men impact the lives of others . . . even those who are not necessarily the intended targets of their evil.

The guards died for Herod’s sins.

In time, Herod gets his just due for his toxicity. [A few verses later Luke explains that Herod died a horrible death that is linked to God’s judgment]. But for now, it is those who were simply going about their job, doing what they could to provide for their families, whose lives are ended.

Toxic Spillage

If you work for a Christian organization (or other) that is ruled by a toxic leader, be aware. It will spill out and over you. It is one thing to work for a rotten leader who just doesn’t know how to lead well. We may even say his heart is in the right place. He just doesn’t make good decisions. And those failures impact those they rule.

But if you are working for a Ravi Zacharius, Jerry Falwell Jr., James McDonald, or Mark Driscoll the toxic spillage will drown you. What they do to John is likely in time to happen to you.

Just do a Google search on all the damage done to employees of these toxic leaders.

Chuck DeGroat notes, “They all bear trauma in their bodies and brains. Sleeplessness. Paranoia. Shame. Rage. Indecision. Depression. Anxiety. Suicidal thoughts.”1 This is the testimony of the traumatized over and over.

It isn’t pretty and suffering the “side-effects” of toxic leadership is not worth it.

For years, my family was treated with great kindness by the toxic leaders of our mission organization. We have often said, “We were the favored ones.” But, in time, we faced their wickedness just like others had.

John worked for a major international mission agency and thought he was good friends with the CEO. However, that didn’t stop the CEO from finally taking John’s office keys and requiring him to be out of his desk in short order for doing nothing other than giving some helpful recommendations.

I can guarantee it will happen to you as well unless you very intentionally become complicit in your leader’s evil.

You will be required to keep your head down. You will have to say “yes sir” to every demand no matter how unbiblical. You will be required to keep your mouth shut when unethical (and maybe illegal) practices come to your attention.

I can promise you, it is not God’s calling for you to grovel under such leaders.

And, do not believe for a moment you will escape their onslaught even if you do take the knee.

NOTES

Photo used for graphic by Ivan Bandura.

1 Chuck DeGroat, “Narcissism Is Not a Leadership Style,” accessed February 10, 2020, https://chuckdegroat.net/2020/02/.

Wounded Resisters: A Church Called Tov

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Some time ago, I listened to an interview with Scot McNight and his daughter, Laura Barringer, who together wrote the helpful book on toxic leadership, “A Church Called Tov.” 

Barringer was at Willow Creek Church when Bill Hybel’s kingdom came crashing down. Like so many churches and organizations under toxic leaders, Willow Creek had indeed become a kingdom unto Bill Hybels. If you hear him tell his story, it is a good one. From a strange (and maybe abusive) upbringing and forced travels around the world as a teenager, Hybels built an incredibly globally respected ministry.

Crushing the Underlings

However, his toxic leadership has crushed many of those who relied upon him for godly wisdom and leadership. When the pastor, who is to be respected for their walk with Christ, is actually feeding on the sheep – women, especially in Hybel’s case – it can be difficult for a church member to separate their faith in Christ from their faith in the leader. Though there should be no comparison, experience tells us that the trauma caused by abusive leadership has horrible effects on those who are taken advantage of.

As McNight noted, toxic church culture is detrimental to people growing in Christ. Both the leader himself and those who are “retainers around him who are supporting this person” create a vortex of manipulation from which it is hard to extract oneself. As one missionary told me recently, our growth in Christ is stunted by those who abuse their spiritual authority by turning our hearts from Christ. And it is difficult to burrow out from under their abuse.

Masters of Persona and Image

Toxic leaders so often are “masters of persona and image.” They draw people to their charisma and charm or strong, confident preaching. They may express little or gobs of humility from the pulpit…whichever draw the crowds. Mark Driscoll was arrogant and swaggering from the pulpit. His followers loved getting beat up, driving them to follow Christ with a passion (and arrogance). 

On the other hand, the preacher may exude kindness and care and humility, drawing those who are hurting and downtrodden. 

For the average church goer, these toxic leaders often are a distant attraction. The pew-sitter simply enjoys the preaching and shares the sermons on social media for friends. However, those who begin to involve themselves in the inner workings of the church, whether as volunteers or employees, begin to suffer the abuse firsthand. 

Questioning

Over time, invariably, they begin to question themselves. But, as McNight noted, there is guilt at the thought that they think such thoughts that their leader is toxic. He said, “Ordinary people trust pastors and think they speak for God – think they are spiritually superior.” 

When they begin to have questions they figure it is their own fault. And toxic leaders know this. They take advantage of the trust that people put in them because they are pastors. In addition, McNight said people “close to famous pastors feel they are special and pastors trade on that.” Followers don’t want to be put out of community.

Boz Tchividjian, who interviewed McNight and Barringer, explained that these toxic leaders know this dynamic that a person “will second-guess themselves.” He said, the leader’s “goal is to keep that person silent.” So, they will use their power and the congregant’s fear to control the narrative. The leader will do all they can to “help” the church member question themselves.

Boz noted that in time, somebody comes forward and questions the leadership. But the response they get “automatically triggers this false narrative spinning.” The response often has little to do with the substance of the original issue. “The victim becomes the bad guy. They are marginalized and ostracized.”

Getting Rid of Bad Apples

The title of the book, “A Church Called Tov” comes from the Hebrew word meaning “goodness.” McNight and Barringer named the book as a positive goal for Christians to build churches that are “good” rather than toxic. They wrote to help people identify the bad apples and cultures that spring up under toxic leadership.

The authors encourage church members to look for a “pocket of TOV” in their church. Whether that is a small group Bible study or other group.

And then, become “wounded resisters.” Those who, though deeply hurt by their experience under toxic leadership, dig in and resist the urge to give up on Jesus and His body. I am fond of quoting, “The church is a whore . . . but she is the bride of Christ.” Though she is as white as snow, washed clean in the blood of Jesus, nonetheless, in this world, she is broken and sinful. 

McNight and Barringer suggested returning to the Gospels to read the stories of Jesus. “Get vision there. Let Him minister to you. Don’t think all your spiritual ministry will come through the pastor. There’s hope on the other side.“

Ultimatey we all need to come back to Jesus. For He embodies Tov.

Get your copy of “A Church Called Tov” – KINDLE or Hardback (Pearls and Swine does get a commission from Amazon if you order through these links)

The Self-Control of the Mean

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In James’ first chapter of his epistle to the “twelve tribes of the dispersion,” he takes abusive people to task. Maybe you have never noticed this before. Often, a passage in scripture comes alive once you experience something of it.

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger… 

James 1:19

We can all relate to these verses as we go about our selfish days. We can often be very quick to speak and quite speedy at becoming angry. Some of us really love to hear ourselves talk rather than hear others and their ideas and struggles.

Abusive leaders are often described as failing at verse 19. However, a strange thing about abusers is that rarely are they “out of control.” We may think that they are quick to become angry. Outwardly this is how it appears as they assault their victims. They seem out of control of their emotions.

However, abusive people are often exceedingly good at controlling their anger and words. It is because of that self-control that those who are not the targets of their violent speech are often surprised by accusations that so-and-so is abusive. These bystanders have only observed the abuser’s self-control and even kindness. “He isn’t abusive. He is one of the nicest guys I know!”

For a number of years, the abusive leaders of our organization held their tongues and were very kind to my family. We enjoyed vacations and special dinners with them and their public praise. However, others shared their horror stories of deceit, harshness, and authoritarian leadership experiences with us.

We would, in quiet and calming tones, pass on our wisdom: “The leaders are sinners just like us and will say mean things. Just give them grace.” We figured the treatment these victims received was due to their poor relational skills.

Then the leaders’ tongues were turned on us. Lies. Angry outbursts. Authoritarian orders out of the blue.

Suddenly, we understood what others had been saying for years.

Unhelpful Bystanders

This is the difficulty. Those who can stand up and support others suffering abusive leadership in the home or workplace do not have a clue because the abuser controls themselves with those with whom they need to control themselves.

In corporations or organizations abusive mid-managers will suck up to their bosses while making life nearly hell for their subordinates. Because, they know how to control their anger and tongues. These abusive individuals need to put on a good face for those upline in management. Then they can turn their withering tongues on those under them.

As a friend and I were discussing lately, this is why many make the climb up the ladder of organizations that are supposed to be “imaging” Jesus’ life. The church just shakes its head at the Mark Driscolls, Jerry Falwell Jrs., and Bill Heibels of this world. “How did they get so far up the ladder?”

Because they knew when to blow and when to be kind. They knew when to dismember and when to charm.

When that charming, well-spoken, talented leader is accused of abusive tactics with his subordinates, don’t be surprised. Hear the stories and do what you can to bring accountability.

All Things for Good: Beauty from Ashes

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There is that sense that good overcomes evil (Rom. 12:21).

Good overcomes evil when we respond to wickedness with godliness as Paul says in Romans. Or by apologizing and seeking forgiveness after our own slips into the perpetration of evil.

It is not uncommon to hear people speak of the good that has come from a leader even though he or she is toxic. In fact, a friend and I were talking just this morning about Ravi’s giftedness despite his deep wickedness.

There may be at least two reasons for talking about “all the good they did” in these circumstances:

  • The leader may have problems in this area but he has been so effective in other areas. “He is a talented guy, after all.” We just feel we need to point out his good works.
  • Or, someone may pull the sovereignty card.

I have written of the giftedness of toxic leaders before. It can be a distraction to the destruction that is caused by a leader’s abusive management.

Though they may be gifted in exceptional ways, their leadership will, in the end, bring hurt and suffering to the organization; often, destroying beyond repair as has been evident in the Ravi Zacharias ministry.

See this article

The Sovereignty Card

However, there are times when we can see where the wickedness of man has failed to overcome God’s good work. We see God using Pharaoh in the Old Testament to glorify Him as God’s power and majesty is on full display in saving the Israelites from this deeply evil man.

God has used evil over and over in His creation to bring about His good. He even makes this promise to the believer:

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:28 (ESV)

We can see where, as a person suffers the wickedness of a toxic leader at home or in the workplace, there are good things that come from it in the believer’s life. The victim may be driven out and end up in a job that is much better. He may grow in his ability to be self-differentiated. And, as certainly was the case for my family, survivors of toxic leadership may become much more empathetic to the pain of others in similar situations. They in turn minister to others in similar situations as Paul says:

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (ESV)

Careful With Your Line-Drawing

However, I would suggest we must be careful to draw clear lines from wickedness to the good that comes from it when we have opportunities to counsel a survivor of abusiveness.

Recently, I was reading a book by a popular author. What put an end to my reading his book was a comment about slavery.

He noted that many slaves brought to the United States were purchased from African slave owners. The important lesson he noted was that “thank God [the Africans] sold them to the Westerners and not the Arabs!”

I would imagine he saw that as God’s good sovereignty at work. Though they were slaves, they were “in such a better place.”

I would suggest that is both insensitive and unbiblical to draw that line. The wickedness of slavery deserves no rosie coloring.

But this kind of statement is often made to “encourage” those who are suffering under abuse. “Thank God He is doing this really great work in your life. You would not have enjoyed this blessing had it not been for your wicked step-mother.”

To the victim of abusive leadership it appears to give an excuse for the toxic behavior. It often says to the abuse survivor, “God is doing a good work in you, so you should buck up and put up with the abuse,” though that may not be the intent.

Who Draws Those Lines?

I would suggest we allow those who are suffering to draw those lines.

Like Job’s counselors, we can find ourselves under the displeasing eye of the Lord for drawing those lines from suffering to this or that purpose. In his soon to be released book, “Suffering Wisely and Well” Old Testament Hebrew scholar Eric Ortland notes that where normal sacrifices would include one animal, Job’s friends were required to provide 14. The friends had sought to point Job to all the reasons his suffering was being inflicted by the Lord.

The LORD never provided a “reason” and we should be careful in suggesting one. Even when it might seem clear to us, we may be way off the mark and only heaping condemnation or expectation on the victim that is not ours to give.

So, I would rather suggest:

Pray for them to see God’s sovereignty at work. Pray that the Lord will show His merciful hand in their lives. Pray that the Lord will bring beauty from the ashes as Isaiah prophecies.

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes…

Isaiah 61:1-3 (NIV)

It will be part of their healing process. You do not need to draw those lines for those who are suffering. Weep with those who weep. Allow the Lord’s Holy Spirit to bring these things to mind.

All oppressive behavior is a great wickedness in God’s eyes. He makes this clear throughout scripture. He does not give excuse. Nor should we. Especially not to those who are suffering.

Rather point out that they do not deserve the evil treatment they are receiving. The Lord cares deeply for the oppressed (Psalm 9:9).

God’s heart is that we comfort, not draw lines.

Psalm 59: Jealousy & Toxic Leadership

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David wrote Psalm 59 when he was only a middle-manager.

He had been hired as King Saul’s go-to-guy for making him feel better when overwhelmed with a “harmful spirit.” [1 Sam. 16:14-23] David was called in to minister to Saul with his great musical talent to calm Saul. Then David showed his trust in the Lord, his courage, and his skill as a warrior by defeating Goliath not long after.

It was meteoric rise to middle-management for David as both Saul’s comforter and Saul’s commander of the army.

But, Saul had his own sin to deal with and it became clear that he did not deal with it well.

Jealousy, rage, anger and all common toxic leadership traits are displayed in the following chapters of 1st Samuel as the transfer of power from man’s choice of leader/king (Saul) and God’s choice of leader/king (David) is played out.

Psalm 59 begins with an explanation of when David wrote the song:

To the choirmaster: according to Do Not Destroy. A Miktam of David, when Saul sent men to watch his house in order to kill him.

Pride and jealousy. It is extraordinary what these sins can do to a leader.

1st Samuel describes in chapter 19 that David went out to war with the Philistines, doing what he was called to do, and “struck them with a great blow.” However, it goes on to say that a “harmful spirit” came on Saul while sitting around. Saul took up a spear when David returned from war and was using his great talent of music-making in Saul’s house to calm him.

Saul tried to kill David with the spear but David escaped.

A man may respond in his wickedness the way Saul did in a normal relationship by trying to bring another man down due to his jealousy. However, the power that the king wielded provides both the ability and seeming motivation for destroying his competition.

Saul, as king, at least believed and actually did have the power to destroy a man in his employ. Just as many leaders in the church or Christian organization think they have the right and power to rid themselves of those they see as competitors.

The Christianity Today podcasts on Mark Driscoll and Mars Hill have made it abundantly clear that Saul is alive and well among ministry leaders today.

Listen Here

The basis of Psalm 59 is David simply doing what he was called to do – go and fight with the Philistines and bring deliverance to Israel from their oppressors to which God had called them. Yet, the very one (Saul) who asks him to do this is overwhelmed with evil desires.

How often does this happen to leaders? It takes great commitment and self-awareness to battle these temptations. 

The temptation comes when a person gains some form of power over another person and allows it to go to his head. The temptation to crush someone of whom you are jealous is always great in this broken world of sin. But when that temptation is combined with the power to actually do some crushing, it often gives birth to further sin and chaos.

Unless we fight the temptation by the power of the Holy Spirit – the only One more powerful than our sinful passions.

But Saul didn’t fight it. Saul tried to kill David with his spear multiple times in his power-drunken state.

1st Samuel 18 then tells us Saul goes after David using subordinates who willingly spy on David’s house. This behavior is typical for abusive leadership of any sort – the gathering of comrades to help with the dirty work. Though we can have some grace for subordinates who are willing to do the bidding of wicked leaders, they are yet responsible before God for their like oppressive behavior.

The writer tells us that Saul’s intentions are to kill David in the morning. Thus, Psalm 59 is written.

Many of us have had this Psalm to write. Being under a leader that fails to curb his appetite for power and then the temptation to wield it against those who perform well in their employ can be dicey.

And deeply traumatizing. The affects of toxic leadership are well documented and experienced by many with whom I have spoken. David, later in the Psalm, describes the words of abusers as “swords in their lips.” [Ps. 59:7] Their words cut and kill. There are real affects to abusive leadership on the psyche and physical health of employees.

It is up to boards and governing authorities to take their oversight responsibly to get rid of toxic leaders. The toxic leader’s gifts and talents will never make up for the hurt and destruction they cause in their jealousy and authoritarian attitudes.

Poor Judges: Problems in Presbytery

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It is hit or miss when it comes to finding justice and healing in the church or Christian organization. Just as sexual abuse cases in our civil courts rarely bring convictions, so our church “courts” and organizational boardrooms rarely bring justice to targets of church leadership abuse in its many forms.

This is not the picture we hope for of a redeemed community caring for the oppressed and seeking the Kingdom of God to reign in all the earth by Jesus’ example.

I have not written often of public cases, usually interviewing survivors anonymously. However, a recent case within the Presbyterian Church in America has garnered some unfortunate but needed attention. Charges were brought against a PCA minister for sexual abuse and harassment in a mid-western presbytery.

The public statements made by both the church court and the woman who brought the charges, make it evident that the church has deeply failed.

But it is not over yet. Because of the accuser’s incredible courage, the case is once again before the presbytery. I am amazed that she would continue to work with the church despite having been put down by them.

Many will believe that the pastor must be innocent if he was judged innocent by a church court. But the evidence brought by at least 10 women is incontrovertable if you understand abuse, particularly leadership abuse. The pastor clearly used his position to “groom” these women and exert his position of power to take advantage of them.

However, those who have not studied abuse are unlikely to recognize the signs and therefore give a pass to guilty pastors. Most of us who work in this area were in those shoes at one time. We didn’t understand abuse, nor did we name it and claim it.

Abuse is wicked and repentance should be forthcoming upon confrontation.

When blame shifting and justification are the response, a pastor is not fit to lead according to every passage in scripture that gives qualifications. [1 Timothy 3:1-7, Titus 1:5-9] I understand that God is gracious and He calls His people to mimic his mercy—Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful as Jesus said in Luke 6:36 (ESV) —but, that mercy runs out when it is not received in repentance [see article].

This blog is not intended as a place for trying the pastor for his crimes but a call to action for the church:

In order to minister well in the cases of abusive leadership, the church must provide adequate professional help.

Churches and denominations must quit depending on their normally appointed courts to hear and try cases of leadership abuse (or any abuse for that matter). It is very apparent, as we observe many abuse cases in churches of every denomination, that the average member has little understanding of abuse and they will approach it like it is “normal” sin.

Abuse is not.

Abuse is the kind of sin of which the imprecatory Psalms speak [Psalms 5, 55, 83 and 137 are examples].

Abuse is the kind of sin that Paul calls out publicly. [2 Timothy 2:17, 4:14]

Though not rare, these are unusual situations in scripture and need to be understood as unusual in our Christian ministry.

Abuse is particularly destructive to its victims and must be brought to an end decisively. It must not be trifled with.

When a leader is accused of abusive actions or words, the church needs the help of those who have studied and understand abuse to sort through the sordid details. Much as the average church member knows little about engineering a bridge, so they know little of the psychology and behaviors of abuse.

Appoint knowledgeable committees and courts. Bring in professional help and listen to them.

I am praying for churches and denominations to take the lead of those who have done their due diligence like Lookout Mountain Presbyterian and Tates Creek Presbyterian Churches. These churches have shined in their bringing truth to light.

Join me in calling our churches to respond wisely and biblically to abuse in their midst.

Counterfeit Gods: The Power and the Glory

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“The Power and the Glory” is chapter five and it speaks insightfully to the problem of abusive leadership.

Pastor Keller begins the chapter discussing World War II and the Nazi “love of country” that bread a patriotism that “became demonic and destructive.”

Keller says, “What happened? Idolatry.”

Pearls and Swine is not about our politics. It is about Christian leadership. Though Keller does speak to political leadership in this chapter, in the end he focuses on simply the idolatry that is exhibited in leadership. It can be applied to any position of power and authority and should be.

Keller notes that Reinhold Niebuhr from the mid-twentieth century, wrote eloquantly about man’s desire to be god. Keller said,

“Rather than accept our finitude and dependence on God, we desperately seek ways to assure ourselves that we still have power over our own lives.”

Abusive leadership is about power over our own lives.

I would like, in this short blog, to pick apart one particular statement Keller makes:

“One of the great ironies of sin is that when human beings try to become more than human beings, to be as gods, they fall to become lower than human beings. To be your own god and live for your own glory and power leads to the most bestial and cruel kind of behavior. Pride makes you a predator, not a person.”

Page 121

The context of this statement is a discussion about the prophet Daniel and King Nebuchadnezzar.

The king had fascinating dreams and Daniel, a captive from Israel, was by God’s grace able to interpret his dreams. In Daniel 4, Nebuchadnezzar has had a dream about a tree that grew and “became strong, and its top reached to heaven, and it was visible to the end of the whole earth.”

The king went on to explain,

“a watcher, a holy one, came down from heaven. He proclaimed aloud and said thus: Chop down the tree and lop off its branches, strip off its leaves and scatter its fruit. Let the beasts flee from under it and the birds from its branches…Let his portion be with the beasts in the grass of the earth. Let his mind be changed from a man’s, and let a beast’s mind be given to him; and let seven periods of time pass over him.”

Daniel 4:13-16

Daniel warns Nebuchadnezzar that he is that tree and to “break off your sins by practicing righteousness, and your iniquities by showing mercy to the oppressed, that there may perhaps be a lengthening of your prosperity.”

Show mercy to the oppressed. Do not practice your power by authoritarianism and oppression. Seek the people’s good in the use of your power.

Nebuchadnezzar did not take Daniel’s advice but one year later, he was pridefully walking on the roof of his palace, high above his subjects and his great land, and he says, “Is not this great Babylon, which I have built by my mighty power as a royal residence and for the glory of my majesty?”

It says, while those words were still hanging on the wind, the Lord spoke to Nebuchadnezzar. The king would become like a beast in the field. Eating grass. His kingdom taken from him.

“When human beings try to become more than human beings, to be as gods, they fall to become lower than human beings.“

Entitlement does this.

Those who believe they are the most deserving. The most powerful. The most important.

They become like beasts. And they will act like beasts.

They will create a hell on earth for those over whom they have power.

Idolatry is fundamental to abusive authority. Leaders who consider themselves something rather than dependent on the Lord for everything they have, treat others with disdain and manipulation. They work very hard to retain their kingdom, doing whatever is necessary.

And often that is abusing those the Lord has called them to tenderly care for using the authority He has given them.

Instead, in their entitlement, they look over their vast kingdom and reason it was raised up by them. They will have to keep it in good stead. They will have to crush any dissent. They will have to protect the image of their kingdom.

Pride makes you a predator, not a person.

Humility, Like Oil On the Head

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We are all dependent. We long for satisfaction. We long for respect and love and relationship.

The “Sons of Korah” wrote Psalm 42 expressing the deep longing so many of us have. As a deer pants for flowing streams, so pants my soul for you, O God. The entire Psalm is an expression of dependency.

A good kind of dependency.

Not a dependency that results in suffering, pain, or rejection. But a dependency that will result in satisfaction and ultimate salvation. Where we might so often depend on a business leader, political leader, husband, wife, or friend, Psalm 42 points to a reliance on God we have and should have.

Real dependence on God results in salvation and praise. Its outcome is joy. Not sorrow or fear.

But dependence on self or other men result in broken promises and greater distrust. Though I depend upon my wife as my best friend, there are times when I drive her crazy with my clinging. That is as it should be. Only God can handle my dependency. In fact, He made me that way and from my very first parents in the Garden of Eden, He expected his created beings to depend on Him alone.

And He never wearies of it.

Dependence on God = Humility

Dependency on Christ has a real fringe benefit.

When our dependency is on Christ and not other people, we can also then be humble and responsive to critique. If we are dependent on their approval we become overly sensitive and either maddened by criticism or deeply hurt.

The humble man is likely to be saddened but changed. The arrogant is likely to be maddened and strike back.

Psalm 141:5 says,

Let a righteous man strike me—it is a kindness;
let him rebuke me—it is oil for my head;
let my head not refuse it.

David was a humble man. You can almost see his heart saying, “I hate this rebuke,” but he is working very hard to recognize it as the gift it is.

Leaders need this kind of heart. They need to see the criticism they receive as “kindness.” It is like “oil” for their head. Barnes Notes on the Bible says the rebuke “should be received as readily as that which contributed most to comely adorning and comfort.” This is how those of David’s time would understand oil being poured out on the head of an important person in a festival celebration.

Oil was healing. It was to be received with joy and as a gift.

Do You Hear Criticism?

How often do leaders hear and receive criticism? This is the hallmark of godly leadership because it is based on godly humility.

Collaboration is a way of working with colleagues that is characterized by cooperation, mutual respect, and shared goals. It involves sharing information, coordinating actions, discussing what’s working and what’s not, and perpetually seeking input and feedback.1

Amy Edmondson

Notice what Edmondson says? A team (collaboration) is always “discussing what’s working and what’s not.” They are always seeking “input and feedback.”

An autocratic, arrogant leader may be effective for a time. But he will fail in time because more heads are better than one. The leader that is dependent on his subordinates to make him feel good, smart, clever, and powerful is never a team player and will not build a ministry or product that seeks God’s glory.

But a leader who looks for and receives differing views as oil on his head will build a lasting legacy.

Do you serve under an autocrat or abusive leader? This lack of humility is a common sign that they are. And, it is unlikely they will ever provide a good and godly workplace.

It may be time to move on.

Are you unable to hear criticism? Do you find that you consistently say they are wrong or project the wrong on those who criticize. Do you seek ways to discredit your critic?

It’s time you get help.

Stories in African Mission

“My family of six arrived in Malawi, Africa in August of 2003 to a wonderfully hospitable group of fellow missionaries. I was not really prepared for what awaited us. Our family had not done any significant homework on Malawian life but were nonetheless excited to get started with it.“

What a wonderful book!  You have beautifully combined storytelling of your and your family’s journey and experiences with scripture, spiritual experiences, music, and observations of Malawian and Western cultures. It is a great reference for anyone working and living in Malawi or those who support programs in Malawi.

Jeanine Jackson
Former United States Ambassador to Malawi
State Department Leadership Consultant

As I read at times, I felt I was reading the travel log of a missionary tourist, the insights of a musical theorist, the confessions of a cultural imperialist, the wisdom of a cross-cultural missiologist, and the reflections of journalist investigating a mystery cult. [Dehnert] presents a childlike wonder as he speaks about strange and stranger things in a strange and beautiful land. It was great how he expressed his fears, weaknesses, and misconceptions as part of the path to a gradual awakening. Dehnert didn’t go to Malawi with an agenda and he loves people; I think that enabled him to learn so much. In the end the book comes across like a fun travel documentary with some sage-like wisdom thrown in.

Rev. Jay Stoms  
Missionary with National Christian Foundation
Stellenbosch, South Africa

NOTES:

1Edmondson, Amy C. (2012-03-16). Teaming: How Organizations Learn, Innovate, and Compete in the Knowledge Economy (Kindle Locations 1078-1080). Wiley. Kindle Edition.

Wild Grapes: God’s Judgment on Power & Oppression

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People were created to love God and neighbor. They were created to care for and keep the world [Genesis 2:15]. To create flourishing.

They were not created to sow power and reap abuse.

Imagine for a moment that you have purchased a vineyard. You tenderly care for the vines, providing ample water each week, making sure it goes a foot deep into the rich soil. You daily walk through the rows pulling weeds and watching for nasty pests. You fertilize it and prune it yearly to remove all growth except new 1-year-old fruiting canes and renewal spurs.

But then, you discover the grapes are smaller and less sweet than you had expected. They are more prone to disease. They are “wild” grapes.

You did everything to care for the vineyard but the grapes have gone their own way.

God’s Wild Grapes

Apparently, in Isaiah’s time, God’s people had done the same.

God, the one true God, who created all things, is perfectly just and righteous. He is loving in all His ways. He is extraordinarily merciful to a broken people. Despite seeing His love and care, watering and pruning in the lives of His people, they have been more interested in joining “house to house” and adding “field to field” as the prophet Isaiah said of the wild grapes [Isaiah 5:1-10].

The picture Isaiah paints is of a greedy and oppressive people who are more concerned about their wealth than the care of their fellow man. If you ever wanted to know where our anti-monopoly laws come from, you need look no further than Isaiah’s prophetic witness.

However, this picture does not stop with monopolies. Isaiah is presenting a broader principle that cuts to heart of American Christian culture: power and oppression. We are a deeply broken people in the West where fame, fortune, and building at all costs rules so many of our decisions and is used as a means to oppress rather than bless. Consider how we protest a corporation who operates in a way we think is morally repugnant. We boycott. We shoot for the pocketbook. We know money makes the world go ’round.

Because we know that to get to the heart, you go to the bank.

Because people are more concerned about power and comforts than anything else. As long as the stock market is doing well . . . we are doing well. As long as the church’s image is larger than life . . . we are doing well.

The ends justify the means.

But God says there will be a reckoning. Isaiah goes on to say,

The LORD of hosts has sworn in my hearing:
“Surely many houses shall be desolate,
large and beautiful houses, without inhabitant.
For ten acres of vineyard shall yield but one bath,
and a homer of seed shall yield but an ephah.”

Isaiah 5:9-10

God told Israel (and Judah) He would take away the very thing they were so driven to attain: wealth and power. All those houses they built for themselves, after taking everyone else’s land, will end up empty. The land they invested in, taking it from all the “little guys,” would produce very little fruit.

The oppression they practiced would come back on them. 

and Toxic Leadership?

It is in the context of grabbing after wealth and power that the toxic leader rises up and survives in our power and image-driven world. If the expectations of followers is that there be much cake, then the leader is driven by such demands. If a leader shows an accute ability to build the image of the church, the members greedily hang on his every word.

It does not matter if he is a liar or a sexual predator, or any other kind of toxic personality. If he creates something we can take pride in or supports our priority projects, we are good to go and will support him.

And I am not talking about the government or secular workplace. This is the church.

But if God’s people expect love and care for all of God’s creation, there is more likely to be a use of our resources for care and concern by those in leadership. There is more likely to be a use of power for care and concern. If Christian organizations hold leaders accountable, power becomes the means by which those organizations and churches take care of people. And that power is held very loosely remembering that the first will be last.

Money, social presence, and power are only tools. And they are not to be tools used for an individual’s pathological self-love.

Not at all.

Zero.

and he looked for justice,
but behold, bloodshed;
for righteousness,
but behold, an outcry!

Isaiah 5:7

We all need to evaluate what we look for in leaders and those of us who are leaders, consider the cost of self-love.

Only the humility found in the Gospel can save us.