Jesus healed a man on the Sabbath. That was a no-no for the Pharisees.
John 9 tells us about this man who was born blind. His age is unknown but according to commentaries, being “of age,” as the text notes, means he was at least 13 years old. He definitely seems older, but we cannot know.
There are many fascinating things about the exchanges that happen between the Pharisees, parents of the man, and the man himself at which you really should look. [Aaron Hann looks more closely in his blog about the spiritual abuse that happens in the story and it can be found here.]
But for our purposes I want to look at the end of the story.
We See
John tells us,
Jesus heard that they had cast him out, and having found him he said, “Do you believe in the Son of Man?” 36 He answered, “And who is he, sir, that I may believe in him?” 37 Jesus said to him, “You have seen him, and it is he who is speaking to you.” 38 He said, “Lord, I believe,” and he worshiped him. 39 Jesus said, “For judgment I came into this world, that those who do not see may see, and those who see may become blind.” 40 Some of the Pharisees near him heard these things, and said to him, “Are we also blind?” 41 Jesus said to them, “If you were blind, you would have no guilt; but now that you say, ‘We see,’ your guilt remains.
John 9:35-41 (ESV)
The man had been excommunicated from the synagogue (cast out) because he had the audacity to be healed on the Sabbath and stand up to the Pharisees’ abusive behavior to both him and his parents.
Notice the exchange between Jesus and the Pharisees at the end of the passage quoted above. The Pharisees are mocking Jesus. You can hear their indignant tone of voice in their question, “Are we also blind?” Throughout the story, it is apparent they have no interest in actually knowing the truth.
They are in fact very blind.
However, Jesus’ response is very helpful in challenging the false repentance of abusive people and to the abusers themselves if they would have eyes to see.
Repentance involves seeing your own sin. There must be self-awareness. There must be humility.
Unfortunately, the abusive individuals I have known are not any of those things. Sure, they can put on an act of self-awareness, talking about grace and their need for it in a general sense. But, ultimately they fail to grasp or be willing to admit their sin and the depths of their depravity that reaches to their heart in any specific way.
But because they say, “We see,” their guilt remains.
They think they know their hearts—shifting blame, justifying their attitudes and actions—but their hearts are deceitful beyond all understanding.
The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?
Jeremiah 17:9 (ESV)
But they refuse to acknowledge it. Instead they assign the blame to their victim, to the whistleblower, to their parents (whose dysfunction made them do it), or to their personality disorders.
If Only
If only they would seek the Lord . . . truly. If only they would ask Him to open their eyes to their own shame. If only they would humbly seek to know their own hearts.
Ah, the forgiveness and grace that would flow from the hands and heart of the Lord if they would just turn to Him fully, broken and knowing their need.
. . . and in turn, they would love God and neighbor as the Holy Spirit leads.
We often focus on the actions of man in the process of determining whether real repentance has taken place.
An abusive leader, whether in the home or workplace, has been confronted and recognizes that he must change his actions in keeping with repentance as Jesus said:
But when he saw many of the Pharisees and Sadducees coming to his baptism, he said to them, “You brood of vipers! Who warned you to flee from the wrath to come? Bear fruit in keeping with repentance.
Matthew 3:7-8 (ESV)
To “bear fruit” would indicate a couple things.
To “bear” in Greek carries the meaning to “perform” or “to make or do.” It is taking action.
“Fruit” in Greek means “work, act or deed.”
Considering those words, there seems to be visible actions that are necessary for repentance.
However, repentance is much more than this and our understanding of it will make a significant difference in how we look at our own repentance and that of those who have been called to repentace after crushing others under their authority or power.
I Am Feeble and Crushed
To consider a model of repentence in Scripture we need look no further than David. The king of Israel was a model of wicked behavior – including rape and murder – and he was a model of repentance. David raped, murdered, and failed to bring accountability for others where he had the power to do so.
Yet, it is in his many words that are found in Scripture that we get a picture of a man broken by his sin and repentant.
For my iniquities have gone over my head; like a heavy burden, they are too heavy for me. 5 My wounds stink and fester because of my foolishness, 6 I am utterly bowed down and prostrate; all the day I go about mourning. 7 For my sides are filled with burning, and there is no soundness in my flesh. 8 I am feeble and crushed; I groan because of the tumult of my heart.
Psalm 38:4-8 (ESV)
David recognizes his sins. They have “gone over my head,” he says. He is drowning in his sins. He is “foolish.” And he even feels it in his physical body. His “flesh” is “burning.”
This is a man who knows his sin and I would suggest these words give voice to a true repentance.
In verse 8 he says, “I am feeble and crushed; I groan because of the tumult of my heart.”
His sense of shame goes to his very “heart.” And it is in the use of this term that we begin to see true repentance.
From Within
Recently, I was speaking with an advocate who shared with me some incredible wisdom. She was explaining the distinction between the supposed repentance of an abuser, whose wife she was seeking to help, and her own husband who was once abusive. However, her husband had truly repented and has born the fruit of this repentance for years.
She explained that the victim’s husband had been counseled by a church leader and was much less difficult to live with at home in that his anger was not as apparent. She noted that it gave the appearance of repentance.
However, she said he had yet to confess to his wife the wickedness of his heart and his desire to change. The advocate noted that her husband, on the other hand when coming face to face with his sin, confessed to her the evil that was in his heart and the actions flowed from that just as Scripture describes.
“What comes out of a person is what defiles him. 21 For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, 22 coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness. 23 All these evil things come from within, and they defile a person.”
Mark 7:20-23 (ESV)
The Heart of the Matter
It may help to talk about this term, “heart.”
In the west – that is Europe and America – there has been a particularly unhelpful dichotomizing of mind and emotion. “Heart” has referred almost exclusively to our emotions and mind to our cognitive abilities.
However, the biblical use of those terms is not nearly so clean and orderly, nor is neurological science’s findings.
לֵב (lêḇ), which is the usual word translated “heart” in Hebrew, is “used very widely for the feelings, the will and even the intellect; likewise for the centre of anything.” It really is more accurately describing the whole inner man, the center of our being, and definately not just our emotions.1
The term καρδία (kardia – heart), which is found in the Mark 7 passage above, refers to “the thoughts or feelings; also the middle.” Again, note the broadness of the term in referring both to what we understand as cognitive ability and emotions.
So, when Scripture tells you the “heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?” it is telling you the whole inner man is deceitful and sick. It may help to remember that the whole man is fallen in sin. Our thinking and emotions, which generally go together, are both broken.
It is why an abuser can think he is always right and feel he is the most important person in the room, even when it makes no sense to anyone else. Everything about his inner man is contrary to reality. Yet, he is quite sure.
So, Mark 7 quoted above makes it evident that from the very center of an abuser’s being, wickedness, deceit, pride, murder and all kinds of evil comes. It is so evil in its intent and expression that their inner being sets them apart from normal people. Mind you, even normal people need the Savior because their wickedness is just as damning. It just is not as destructive to the people they engage.
My advocate friend helps us distinguish between the false repentance of so many abusers and real repentance. Remember that the “cure” rate of abusers is likely around 5% or less. That is a dismal amount of repentance.
But when there is true repentance, a change of heart – the whole inner man including their thinking and feeling and will – is so radical that you know you are safe with them.
NOTE:
1 The “Theological Dictionary of the New Testament” by Kittel notes that it can be translated in English to denote emotion, thinking, or will.
The pastor sent an “apology” to Jack. The letter was less than a page long and included a very general confession of sin.
At first Jack was encouraged by the words from his former boss. But, as he considered what repentance should look like from abusive authority, he began to question the wisdom of reconciling with the pastor on the basis of the pastor’s apparent repentance.
This is the experience of victim after victim of leadership abuse. Apologies that give hope, but in time prove to be false acts of contrition.
What is Repentance?
Biblical repentance is difficult to understand. The word is used freely as though everyone gets it. But identifying the actual repentant heart is not so easy.
Because repentance affects how we respond to the apology of a fellow believer, its identification is important. Repentance means reconciliation may take place. Repentance means a position relinquished because of sin may be regained.
We need to be able to distinguish repentance from other forms of people-pleasing responses.
True repentance is a matter of the heart. The actions of the repentant flow from his entire being turning from sin. And, this is the difficulty: We can’t know another man’s heart.
ID Repentance
However, in the Old Testament there are some helpful guidelines to recognizing and receiving repentance. There are a couple words that are at times translated as “repent” or “humble” oneself.
The word, “nâḥam” (נָחַם) means to breathe strongly; to be sorry, to pity, console or rue; or repent. Another word, šûḇ (שׁוּב) means “to turn back (hence, away).”
In either case, the idea is that the sinner has given up the sin. And it is not just in action, but the heart. Note, the terminology “breathe strongly,” There is the sense that the rejection of sin goes way down deep into the inner man. Breathe. What I have read about this Hebrew term gives the impression of deep sadness – inner change – over what the sinner has done.
Where we run into difficulty here is in defining and identifying repentance when there is a return to the old sin. Is it repentance if we do the same sin again . . . later?
I know of two “repentant” abusers who have made significant progress in overcoming their entitlement and control over their wives. However, they do continue to go back to the old ways at times. The difference is that they identify it in themselves quickly and seek to confess and turn from it. Their wives no longer consider them abusive. They no longer live as if walking on eggshells.
So, we have to understand repentance in cases of abuse in like manner to our own various sins. It is why there is the old adage, “We must repent of our repentance.” We will at times go back to the trough of gruel. Our inner man never fully gives up on its idolatry until Jesus comes again.
But our recognition of the sin and deep sorrow over it has made significant progress.
Again, we do not know if someone else is truly, deeply sorrowful over their sin. Their words may just be further manipulation, of which many abusers are adept.
Confession and Resitution
Under the section heading of “Confession and Restitution” in the English Standard Version, Moses is given guidelines for determining repentance:
And the LORD spoke to Moses, saying, “Speak to the people of Israel, When a man or woman commits any of the sins that people commit by breaking faith with the LORD, and that person realizes his guilt, he shall confess his sin that he has committed. And he shall make full restitution for his wrong, adding a fifth to it and giving it to him to whom he did the wrong.”
Numbers 5:5-7 (ESV)
This passage does not mention the word “repentance,” but I understand it to express the evidence of a repentant heart.
First of all, the sinner confesses his sin.
He understands that he has done wrong. He identifies that he has broken faith with the Lord. The Hebrew says he has acted treacherously. What he has done is really evil. And he confesses it. He doesn’t cover it over in any way.
I would suggest this means he doesn’t make excuses. He doesn’t blame it on someone else, even a little. He truly owns up to the specific sin. In cases of abuse, he doesn’t suggest others made him do it or it was a small thing.
Then, he makes “full restitution for his wrong.”
Restitution is an important part of the Old Testament law. Just saying you are sorry doesn’t cut it when it comes to repentance. If there is to be reconciliation, restitution is imperative.
The difficulty with restitution is the application of it when it comes to relational sins like abuse. And, as we are not a theocracy, we do not normally apply the Old Testament civil law directly to our setting.
However, much of the law can be applied within the church in a principled way (keeping in mind we must not create a list of Pharisaical laws based on “principles” we find in the Law).
It is certainly appropriate that we expect a leader in the home or workplace to not only apologize for their specific sins of abuse, but seek some form of restitution. I would suggest this gives evidence of real repentance.
What Does Restitution Look Like?
What might that look like? Though I have written of the “look” of repentance in other places, I would like to explore restitution here.
Note, that restitution was normally full payment for what was “stolen” or “destroyed” plus an additional punitive amount. Sometimes that additional amount was 1/5th the cost of replacement (like in Numbers 5:7). The amount of restitution was in part based on whether the loss was intentional, accidental, or criminal.
In essence, the greater the evil in the heart, the greater the restitution.
Accidents are not evil, so that additional amount is less. Stealing was particularly evil, and so in Exodus 22:1 the thief is to pay five times the number of oxen he has stolen. A stiff penalty.
What if we try to apply the principles of restitution to cases of abusive leadership? What would be required of the repentant leader?
Payment for necessary counseling for the victim.
Providing a safe place for the victim (new position in organization not under abusive authority).
Allowing the victim, without interuption or critique, to share in a public setting the evils perpetrated by the abuser.
Give up any authority formerly held by abuser.
Payment for lost wages (plus additional punitive amount) due to trauma in the workplace caused by the leader.
These are not biblical commands. They are only ideas. If you have other ideas, I would love for you to share them in the comment section.
“I Was Horribly Wrong”
Restitution is a means of giving feet to a confession. It can be evidence of a truly repentant heart. It can say to the victim of your sin, “I was horribly wrong and I must do all I can to make up for it.”
Though forgivess (another topic) may be given even when repentance is not in evidence, reconciliation is unlikely to happen without it, and should not be expected until true repentance is apparent to the victim.
This may mean restitution may be the evidence needed.
NOTES:
Saul and David make a fascinating study in repentance. Both did horrible things, but only David seeks to do all he can to make things right after doing some evil things. Consider Saul’s fear of David and abuser tactics and false repentance when David is running from his evil: 1 Samuel 19-27.
It all started so well. A good looking and humble guy.
The first book of Kings describes King Solomon as a godly man. He “loved the Lord, walking in the statutes of David his father.”
And if that wasn’t clear enough, when asked by the Lord what his desire was, his response was to ask for wisdom to rule Israel. He humbly admitted that he was “but a little child.” He confessed that he was not adequate on his own to govern God’s people.
What a start.
Dependence
Leadership in God’s kingdom must fundamentally be about dependence on the Lord to gift and guide. Those who lead must be built to lead and then they must be directed. That building of leadership qualities and guidance are from Jesus Christ.
Though a leader may not be born, all that he has has been given by the Lord. His abilities. His material wealth. His opportunities. So, whether a leader becomes a leader after the hard work of study and practice or was a leader since birth, it all comes from the Lord.
It was said of Solomon:
And the whole earth sought the presence of Solomon to hear his wisdom, which God had put into his mind.
1 Kings 10:24 (ESV)
God had put into his mind all the wisdom he had. It all came from the Lord.
Therefore, the acknowledging of God’s gifting and help are essential to a good leader. Because God expects him to acknowledge God’s gifts to him.
…giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ…
Ephesians 5:20 (ESV)
And, it is by God’s guidance that the leader leads. God has given scripture (special revelation) and a world of wisdom (general revelation).
The good leader is dependent on the Lord for His guidance by His Holy Spirit enlightening the Words of scripture. He studies to know God’s Word as the kings of old were commanded:
“And when he sits on the throne of his kingdom, he shall write for himself in a book a copy of this law, approved by the Levitical priests. And it shall be with him, and he shall read in it all the days of his life, that he may learn to fear the Lord his God by keeping all the words of this law and these statutes, and doing them, that his heart may not be lifted up above his brothers, and that he may not turn aside from the commandment, either to the right hand or to the left, so that he may continue long in his kingdom, he and his children, in Israel.”
Deuteronomy 17:18-20 (ESV)
God’s leaders need to be immersed in God’s Word. That is a tall order and an order that Solomon seemed to understand.
And God’s leaders must also be wise to God’s “general” revelation. God has set in course rules of nature that may be studied and applied to act wisely in this life. That which is not clearly contained in His Word may yet be His means of directing a leader in wisdom.
Being a good engineer is founded upon studying God’s established physical universe. Working with the minds of men depends on understanding both the spiritual and physical complexities of his brain. So, the good leader studies God’s world to know with wisdom how to respond to the needs of his stake-holders.
Solomon astounded the people by his wisdom, in one case shocking his attendants by suggesting a baby be cut in half to determine who the correct mother was. He did not know how to do that by God’s law but by the Holy Spirit enlightening him to the events playing out before him.
All Good Things…
But the typical happened. And, it is a lesson for leaders everywhere.
Scripture says Solomon was wiser than anyone around. He was an exceptional leader and blessings of a material nature clearly followed him. Everything he touched, it seems, turned to gold.
And yet, he did what so many leaders do after starting well.
After building a beautiful temple for the worship of the Lord, at God’s direction, Solomon was turned. In his arrogance and power he married any woman he wished and used his subjects for his own ends.
The law expressly forbid marrying women not of Israel. Not out of spite or arrogance but because, as scripture explains, “You shall not enter into marriage with them, neither shall they with you, for surely they will turn away your heart after their gods.” [1 Kings 11:2b]
And, he had a boatload of them. 700 wives and 300 concubines. Good grief.
Solomon also made a house…for Pharaoh’s daughter whom he had taken in marriage. All these were made of costly stones…
And, scripture says they turned him away to other gods. After building a magnificent sanctuary for the worship of the one true God, he built places of worship [high places] for several other gods. Abomidable gods it says.
Art Thou the Man?
Are you going to be turned?
After being given opportunity to lead and being overwhelmed by the responsibility, were you humbled? Did you see it as a gift from the Lord to be given that great privilege of leading? Did you fall on your face before the Lord asking Him for wisdom to lead?
Great start.
Now, consider how far you can fall.
God was gracious to Solomon in leaving him in charge until he died (with rough spots along the way). But the Lord explained that Solomon’s legacy would be in rags. After such a great start, the Lord is said to be angry with Solomon.
Solomon’s legacy was the split of God’s people (Israel and Judah). They followed separate leaders and Israel especially followed Solomon’s example. The northern tribes (Israel) chose their own place of worship and ended up falling to conquerors (sooner than Judah).
It was a disappointing end for a thrilling start.
To Africa on a Lark by the Editor of Pearls and Swine Site
Kelly Dehnert, Editor of Pearls and Swine, has written a book about his family’s life in Africa as missionaries. The book provides helpful insights to engaging other cultures.
[To Africa On a Lark] is extremely readable, with an easy to follow flow. The stories are quite engaging…The overall theme of cross-cultural adjustment, with the “razor” image, comes through clearly. I hope that many will read, enjoy, and benefit from your engaging string of accounts.
J. Nelson Jennings, PhD – Editor, Global Missiology – English
I remember seeing pictures in a news magazine of high school students holding up a banner that read something like, “Josh, we forgive you.” Josh (a fictitious name) was the murderer of several of their classmates in a school shooting many years ago.
The question the article asked was whether it was appropriate for the students to forgive Josh for his horrendous evil. Josh had never sought their forgiveness. Nor were they the actual victims of his violence.
Dr. Robert Burns and Michael Brissett, in a helpful book called, “The Adult Child of Divorce,” discuss forgiveness from a very practical and biblical perspective.
The authors begin their section on forgiveness with the statement:
Some encourage the offended to absorb their pain and release the offender. Others urge those who hurt to simply turn to God and confess it. Then, they are assured, God will resolve the pain, and everything will be fine. A third approach is to tell those unable to forgive to examine their own lives. They should see what mistakes they have made – even if the mistake is carrying pain toward those who harmed them – and seek forgiveness from the ones they can’t seem to forgive.
You have likely heard these responses.
One of the greatest struggles for Christians beat up by toxic leaders is how to fulfill God’s calling to forgive those who have hurt them. Frequently, they ask questions about what it means to forgive and whether they should even forgive the horrendous evil they have experienced.
Generally, there is no shortage of well-meaning Christian brothers and sisters who will come their aid in providing answers. “Of course, you must forgive them. The Bible tells you so!”
But take a look, as Burns and Brissett do in their book, at the passage on forgiveness in Ephesians:
Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
[Ephesians 4:32]
We are called to forgive one another….as God in Christ forgave you. It is that last clause that is often overlooked or not completely understood.
How did Jesus Christ forgive you?
The Legal Side of Forgiveness
The authors talk about “two sides of forgiveness.” As they note,
“If I break the law, that law says I must legally pay a penalty…We haven’t lived perfect lives. Because God is holy and perfect, He will legally accept only perfect people, and because we have broken His law, a penalty must be paid before he can accept us.”
Fortunately, for God’s created world and sinful man, Jesus Christ died on the cross to take the penalty for those sins. He provided the legal means of taking care of the judgment that was due to us, providing forgiveness from the perfect Judge, Almighty God.
He holds out that offer of forgiveness to all who have sinned…that happens to be everyone conceived in this world.
However, as those who know scripture realize, not everyone is forgiven. There is another side to the coin of forgiveness as the authors put it.
The Relational Side of Forgiveness
Peter preached to the household of Cornelius saying,
“To [Jesus] all the prophets bear witness that everyone who believes in him receives forgiveness of sins through his name.”
[Acts 10:43 (ESV)]
The sins of those who believein the work of Jesus Christ on the cross are forgiven. The sins of those who reject him are not.
Those who recognize they are “sinners,” in need of Jesus’ saving work and who camp at Jesus’ doorstep to seek his forgiveness are forgiven. Those who do not consider their failures worthy of judgment are not forgiven.
To come into “relationship” with Jesus we need forgiveness. He has offered it to all, but only those who receive that offer will be forgiven and be in relationship with the Lord.
How Does that Work Between People?
So, when do we forgive others according to Paul in Ephesians 4:32?
When our offender seeks forgiveness. When they recognize their sin against you and come to you asking for your forgiveness, you are to forgive them. In fact, Jesus said they should to be forgiven over and over should they ask. [Matthew 18:21-22]
This is what is taught in Luke 17:3-4. Jesus tells his disciples, if he repents, forgive him. “If he repents.”
This is the “relational” side of forgiveness of which Burns and Brissett speak.
So, when they “recognize [their] own failure” and acknowledge it to your face, you freely forgive just as Christ forgave you.
Forgiving the Toxic One
It just so happens that you find a rare abuser (in the workplace or the home) that will recognize their sin, acknowledge it, and accept their responsibility. They rarely darken your door humbly seeking forgiveness.
In fact, the defining characteristic of being an “abuser” is the complete lack of humility to admit wrong. [see blog]
Though there may not be relational forgiveness between you and your tormentor, bringing reconciliation, there is still a need to forgive him (or her) nonetheless.
The authors point to Matthew 5:21-22 where Jesus teaches that when a brother harbors anger against another brother, he is a “murderer.”
It is important to note that there is a righteous anger that is taught in scripture [see blog], but where there is bitterness and seeking of revenge, we need to take a close look at our motives.
We need to have an attitude of forgiveness (legal) though there may never come a time when our abuser seeks our forgiveness (relational). We need to live in this “legal side of forgiveness” by making it available to our antagonist should he humble himself.
Releasing Them
“Legally” forgiving those who sin against us does not necessarily release them from accountability however. It is still appropriate to seek legal, organizational, or corporate justice for the toxic individual.
But we need to recognize that Jesus’ forgiveness is ultimately the forgiveness he needs and we need to “release” him into the Lord’s hands that he may one day seek our and God’s forgiveness for their evil.
As the victims of our abuser’s violence, we can be like the servant in Jesus’ parable. The “wicked servant” received forgiveness from his master for all he owed him (which was boatloads of cash) and turned around to require the small debt from those who owed him. [Matthew 18:23-35]
Or, as Jesus teaches, we can pass on the forgiveness we received from our master to our abuser.
However, until he recognizes his own failure, acknowledges it before God and you, and accept God’s solution for the problem, there will not be relational forgiveness and no reconciliation, between he and God or with you.
Nor does God expect there to be.
You need not feel guilt about his. You need not think you ought to have done more. You need not say, “Everything is alright . . . I am over it.” It is okay to grieve the loss of that relationship and your brother’s failure.
