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It’s Not an Affair: Clergy-Perpetrated Sexual Abuse of Adults

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A friend of Jada’s first used the word “oppression” to describe abuse in 2021. It just blew her mind. Jada said, “God has much to say to survivors of abuse about oppression in the Bible.” 

Jada continued,

“Although God talks about oppression throughout scripture, in all churches I’ve attended, leaders only refer to oppression as spiritual oppression or the slavery Israelites endured under Pharaoh. How many survivors of abuse would benefit from knowing that God directly addresses what they have been through in the Bible when he condemns oppression in scripture?” 

It is such a great word to describe what she experienced. Jada said she “felt like a prisoner set free” when she left her abusive pastor. 

The Power He Wielded 

Jada was in college when she came to know and love Jesus Christ. She was on fire for the Lord and got connected to a small house church. 

As a new Christian, she described herself as “completely open to the things of God and eager to be taught. Hungry for personal discipleship.” She was the type of convert every evangelist seeks to make. 

Pastor Martin, the leader of the house church, was at first very helpful. He became like a father figure to her. Her family had rejected her when she became a Christian, and he gave her extensive spiritual counsel. 

He told her how special she was. Pastor Martin said she was submissive and dedicated. He described these attributes as critical markers of spiritual growth and true conversion. She was different from the other church members who left. Those people he described as “prideful.” In his eyes, they weren’t genuine Christians, and he frequently disparaged them. 

Pastor Martin said he had a gift of discernment. According to him, “He could hear from God and discern hearts,” she recalled. Jada felt blessed to have someone like that protecting her at the time. “He could, with one look, know someone’s spiritual state.” So Jada felt encouraged when he looked upon her with favor and singled her out from the small crowd. 

On the other hand, there was a power he wielded that was concerning. 

“Everyone was given a label with a secret sin . . . and we would often hear lengthy messages about these dangerous sins from the pulpit,”

Jada explained that in such a small church when he spoke of a specific sin from the pulpit, everyone knew to whom he was referring. 

“I would sit nervously in my chair while he preached on and on, hoping he wouldn’t share from the pulpit the sins I had confessed to him privately earlier that week.” 

In addition, Pastor Martin would question her often about her romantic relationships, telling her to “dump a boyfriend and not to date anyone.” He would ask her intrusive questions about how she may have sinned sexually with her past boyfriends.

“I was scared to not divulge everything because, according to him, he could read me like a book. Using discretion about my past sins was treated like immaturity. He would say that mature Christians could handle a topic about sexual sin.”

So Jada thought of it as helping her grow in spiritual maturity. She felt she needed a lot of godly guidance. Jada wanted to date and get married, but he taught her it was wrong to have those desires. He equated those desires to the sin of lust and being unfocused on the things of God. 

After a couple years of this, she said she was molded into the type of follower her pastor wanted her to be. She was submissive to him and conditioned not to challenge his directions. 

Being Isolated 

Pastor Martin was independent of any ecclesiastical authority . . . there was no denominational headquarters or church hierarchy above him. 

In fact, there was a clear impression that he gave that if you followed him, you followed God. Of course, the opposite was true as well – if you didn’t follow him and left the church, you followed Satan. 

As people left the church they didn’t coherently explain why they were going. Pastor Martin, however, considered them dangerous. Maybe, he explained, they practiced witchcraft or were “religious.” “Religious” to the Pastor was negatively applied to those with strong convictions. He called them “demonic.” They were missing what good God had planned for them. 

Jada explained why she avoided communicating with those who left.

“I was warned not to talk and spend time with those who left. I could risk getting infected with whatever spiritual stronghold they had. Engaging with those who left was scary. I didn’t want to follow the enemy.” 

And engaging with the quitters would make Pastor Martin very upset with her. He effectively isolated her. 

In His Employ 

Then he employed her with his personal business. 

It provided a source of financial stability. However, Jada didn’t feel like it was an actual choice. “The job was presented as something God was giving me so I was expected to take it.” She explained to me she wouldn’t have taken the job if actually been offered it. 

But she was compliant.

He was “increasingly controlling, demanding, demeaning, volatile and generally unpredictable.” 

Jada said, “One minute, he would be domineering, large, and in charge, especially in public. But in private, he would become kind to me, but inappropriate and without professional boundaries as well.” He told Jada she was his “best friend” and the only person he could confide in. 

Except he was married. 

Boundaries 

Pastor Martin’s temper was unpredictable. Jada was under the impression that she was often the cause of his upset mood, which was a massive weight on her. Surely God didn’t want her upsetting her so-called “spiritual covering.” 

Any kind of error at work or if she had a theological difference or friendship he didn’t approve of could bring about an inquisition. 

In disagreement, he called Jada “mentally unstable.” But as long as they agreed, she was considered sane, even intelligent, and especially “spiritual.” 

Over the years Pastor Martin broke down boundary after boundary.

He arranged to carpool alone with her. He came to her apartment any time he wanted. Over time, he borrowed thousands of dollars for business deals he convinced her God gave him. Jada always agreed with great reluctance and fear of upsetting him.

She put on a happy face, but she dreaded him telling her she had to give away yet another piece of the little independence she had left. To her dismay, he continued to enmesh himself in her daily life. 

“My whole world revolved around ministry, my pastor’s business, and attempting to control his temper toward me. He enmeshed himself in my life. Then, my pastor began flirting with me. I didn’t know how to react. Maybe I’m misinterpreting his behavior. I must’ve imagined that.” 

Flirting or Just Being Friendly?

Even though the pastor’s flirtations were confusing and uncomfortable, compared to his hot temper and insults, his strange flirtatious behavior felt like a relief. 

She had been taught that he was supposed to be her “spiritual covering of safety.” But, the intrusive sexual questions and flirtations toward her intensified. The pastor often discussed his marital problems with her. Then he explained to her that he had discerned they were in love and shouldn’t fight their “destiny.” 

She felt dizzy. 

That same day, she tried to avoid being alone with him, but couldn’t shake him and he followed her into her apartment. She didn’t want to be impolite.

He then sexually assaulted her. 

Her response was typical for trauma victims. Many will fight, some will flee, and some will appease. Jada did what she always did when his behaviors were inappropriate – she didn’t question, didn’t talk back, she submitted. She went along in order to be safe. 

Once the overt sexual abuse began, she was in a daze. She was confused. Was it a generational curse because of her family background? Was she lusting? 

Pastor Martin’s claims about being in love seemed believable because of her apparent loyalty to him over the years.

His sexual contact with her didn’t make sense but he had a way of spiritually explaining away the behavior. He implied that she didn’t leave like the others because she was in love with him and God put them together. 

One of the most disgusting lies he told her was that she “was a whore” and the only way to keep her supposed lustful tendencies in control and not affect other men was to comply with his sexual behavior. 

She said, “It’s many years since the abuse happened and even now, when I am in the presence of a man, I am scared that I might tempt him to want me sexually because this is what the pastor said I always did to him.” 

Bringing it to Light 

“I felt like I actually was going crazy. Pastor Martin’s manipulation was so effective. I felt I couldn’t trust my thoughts. I felt caged. This was my lot in life. He said God was in control of this. If I told, he said people wouldn’t understand. I would be called a Jezebel.” 

And besides, how could she accuse a man who had poured so much into her life? She asked herself, “Isn’t rebuking an elder wrong?” 

She felt that the Gospel ministry would be ruined if she spoke up. “My silence meant that the gospel work would continue.” 

Jada discovered a painful reality. If a victim of “grooming” speaks out before there is sexual contact with a church leader, they are often accused of reading into his actions. 

But, if she speaks up after sexual assault has happened then she is accused of being complicit. 

As Jada recalled the experience she said,

“I’ve watched this happen to other survivors. They speak up about concerning behavior and the pastor accuses them of slander. People often believe the narrative of the abuser. Others speak up after the sexual abuse occurs and they get called a seductress. Survivors are often vilified no matter how they respond. No one wants to believe the pastor is actually a predator. The victim is deemed expendable because they think the reputation of the ministry and pastor is not.” 

Horrendous Evil 

Pastor Martin further entangled himself into Jada’s life. He convinced Jada to give him spare car keys and a house key to keep business files in her apartment. 

Jada eventually developed agoraphobia. When she would leave her home, she would feel dizzy and have panic attacks. Perhaps someone would recognize her from being with the pastor and could discern what was happening. She said it lasted for years after the abuse and only subsided when she had safety in a good and godly marriage. 

Jada explained, “It breaks my heart reflecting on the pastor’s incredible abuse of power in teaching me to forgo marriage and children for so long while he abused me. It’s horrendously evil.” 

There were other effects of the abuse that Jada experiences even today. 

Recurring nightmares have been a continual thorn in the flesh for Jada. Those nightmares, a common symptom of PTSD, have been about “trying to escape the abuse again or the abuser coming back” to get her. 

When Jada was working with the pastor, she portrayed a persona to cope. She explained, “It was like an alter ego and outsiders came to know me as this person. I was a person who was strong and decisive though inside I felt like I was dying.” When she broke free of his oppression, like other abuse survivors, she felt she was unable to make a decision for herself. 

“In reality, I never learned how to make my own decisions. Every choice I made was filtered through the question, ‘Will my pastor agree or will this make him upset?’” 

When Jada was finally able to disclose the abuse to a pastor from another church, he helped her to understand that she was free from having her decisions made for her. Jada said she was awakened to the idea that “everyone else in my age group had become adults in charge of their own lives and here I was like a child who never grew up because I lived under oppression for so long.” 

After she disclosed the abuse and the pastor decided to leave the ministry, Jada was finally able to be herself. A friend told her she had changed in that she was actually “fun.” Prior to that, she didn’t really have friends. She only had coworkers in ministry. Jada explained,

“I could never truly get close with anyone without the pastor eventually telling me that person was spiritually dangerous and I shouldn’t be around them.'” 

It grieves her that she lost those years of emotional and spiritual growth. 

All the Abuse 

Jada described the various abuses she suffered. She said,

“Spiritual abuse and clergy sexual abuse go hand in hand. Much of what I experienced I read about later in literature about cults who twist Scripture to justify abusive behavior and demonize those who dissent.” 

Pastor Martin told her she was “destined by God to be by his side” and that God showed him that she was “in love with him.” 

She experienced gaslighting where he manipulated her to the point she questioned her own sanity. Jada felt she couldn’t rely on her own memory. She had to rely on him. 

There was emotional abuse. Pastor Martin would blow up at unpredictable times, keeping her always hypervigilant. He humiliated her publicly and then privately call her “delusional and a ‘whore.'” A couple times, he tapped her face “with an open hand like he was slapping” her, and told her to shut up. 

Jada explained,

“Adult clergy sexual abuse isn’t merely about the spiritual leader sinning sexually and violating the victim’s body. The wound that is inflicted upon the victim is a deep spiritual wound to their personhood.” 

The damage all this abuse does to a person is not only emotional and spiritual. The physical effects of abuse are well documented even when a hand is not laid upon the victim. In essence, all abuse is physical. It causes trauma. 

There is “actual damage to the brain. It’s traumatic.” 

And yet, “many people expect survivors of adult clergy sexual abuse to simply move on, because they wrongly classify the abuse as a consensual act of sexual immorality.” 

In those cases, such as adultery or fornication, confession and forgiveness can be given and received through Jesus’s work on the cross. However, clergy sexual abuse, causes trauma . . . while sexual immorality does not. Sexual abuse, particularly from one with spiritual “authority” is deeply damaging and not the fault of the victim. 

It is for this reason that many states have enacted laws making it illegal for spiritual authorities to have sexual contact with those under their care. [see this website for a list] 

The spiritual effects of this kind of abuse are deeply distressing. Jada explained,

“When you’ve been so deeply and repeatedly harmed by the church, it’s natural to conclude, ‘I was abused by a pastor, therefore all pastors are bad and none can be trusted’ or ‘my church was bad therefore all churches are bad.’” 

I have spoken with multiple victims of spiritual and sexual abuse who have either refused to attend church or given up entirely on Christianity. The church has become an unsafe and triggering place for these victims. 

Unfortunately, many congregant members fail to understand the underlying causes and are impatient with survivors. They fail to see the many cries of the Psalmists as they struggled with their faith in the midst of abuse (Psalm 10, 88). 

Vindication 

When I asked Jada about the need for vindication, she said,

“Realistically, it never fully happens. Even in situations where there is a third-party investigation and it is made clear to the public that the pastor committed adult clergy sexual abuse, some people will still deny the claims. They choose to go along with the abuser’s narrative – that it was consensual and that he should return to ministry. Survivors who think healing will come from being vindicated often discover that the path to healing can happen with or without vindication. That’s good because so often, vindication isn’t fully attainable.” 

I have written of the helpfulness of vindication elsewhere. However, Jada provided a helpful balance. 

She noted that if looking to receive vindication from others, it is not only disappointing when they do not come alongside, it can also be retraumatizing when they don’t. 

“When heard and affirmed, it is so healing.” But, when she was victim shamed she felt like she was facing a Salem witch trial. She continued, “It truly hurt worse than the abuse.” 

Healing 

Jada is free, but the healing takes time. 

Jada described a life that has been changed. She has seen healing that’s slow but continually taking place. She said,

“The life I have now was unfathomable to me during the abuse. During the abuse, I could not picture myself as an adult in charge of my own life. Now I am.” 

Part of her healing process included dealing with unwanted flashbacks of the victim shaming. 

Things were going great in her life and she couldn’t understand why she would be still experiencing the shame in flashbacks. At the advice of a Christian counselor, she spent significant time journaling and seeking the Lord.

Eventually, she found relief from the flashbacks after coming to terms with the fact that she would never be able to convince those who shamed her that what happened was abuse. She came to terms with this reality and was able to move on. Thankfully, the flashbacks of victim shaming are no longer an issue. 

Jada emphasized to me that the way to healing for every survivor is different and encourages survivors to seek help in healing in a variety of ways, including professional therapy. 

Healing is a process, especially because trauma shows up in bodily reactions. If someone says something triggering or insensitive about abuse survivors, she can experience stomach cramping and other illnesses, sometimes for days. It can also result in vomitting. 

One of the great difficulties of healing from abuse trauma is facing the losses that were experienced under the abuse. One woman has told me how much she grieves the loss of her self-esteem and the skills she had before being entrapped in an abusive marriage. Jada said, “I see how it stripped me of my identity – both who I was as a person (what I liked, what I didn’t like), and who God made me to be in Christ.” 

Jada explained that when she converted, her identity in Christ was not encouraged.

“The focus was more on becoming like the leader, the pastor, rather than becoming like the Christ of the Bible. I felt like the identity I was given was ‘young, single, Christian woman, [and a] threat to men’s spirituality.’” 

Part of her healing has been to truly believe that these things were not her fundamental identity, She was not a “threat to men’s spirituality” and she actually “deserved to be treated with authentic Christ-like pastoral care.” The idea that she was not inherently lustful and did not deserve to be exploited was “revolutionary” to her. 

It is Not an Affair . . . or a Relationship 

When asked what truths in God’s Word have been most helpful to her healing, she shared,

“The pastor who abused me told me that I had a permanent lust problem that was inherited generationally and this is why the sexual contact was occurring. But this was a twisted lie. 2 Corinthians 5:17 says, ‘If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.’ I have been made new! I’m not cursed with some lust problem that could only be curbed by sexual contact with this man. 

The pastor would constantly condemn me by using my confessions of past sin to say that this is who I inherently was. But Romans 8 teaches that I am free from condemnation (Rom. 8:1-2) and free from any condemning charges against me (Rom. 8:31-34). I wasn’t condemned to a life of satisfying this man’s sinful desires. Ephesians 2:10 says, ‘For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.’ I was created to do good works, not do good works while living with a secret that was killing me. Now I can finally live the life I wanted to back then – a life of freedom to serve God without oppression.” 

Jada refuses to lose hope that church leaders will become educated about clergy sexual abuse of adults. She said they should listen to the stories of those who have experienced it and read the research. 

As the title of this blog says, clergy sexual abuse is not an “affair.” It is not a relationship. It is a person with significant power overcoming one who is under their care. 

It is rape. 

When a person looks back on a consensual relationship that was broken, Jada said,

“They don’t look back on the relationship in horror. If there is no abuse, they won’t suffer with recurring nightmares and other PTSD symptoms. This is why adult clergy sexual abuse isn’t an illicit affair. It’s nonconsensual and it’s abuse. It causes trauma.” 

Many people do not understand the power that someone with spiritual authority has. That authority removes consensuality from the equation. Consent can’t be given in cases where someone is “over the other” in a spiritual way. In those cases, “there is a dynamic that they can’t freely say no.” 

The ability of a pastor to gaslight and manipulate through scripture is particularly heinous – using God’s Word, that was intended for shalom and well-being, to tear down the image of God and agency in another. 

Helping

Jada said that those who treat victims of clergy sexual abuse as adulterers 

“may find themselves inadvertently repeating the same messages that the abuser planted in the survivor’s mind – that she was complicit and that it was her sensuality that caused him to sin. When people victim shame and blame, they reinforce the same weapon of lies that the abuser used.” 

If you wish to help a survivor, you need to be careful with your words. Well-meaning helpers make comments that shame and blame: 

  • “Well, you shouldn’t have been alone with the pastor. You should know that he would be tempted by you.” 
  • “Yeah, she has a past, so hearing about her and the pastor doesn’t surprise me.” 

Because shame affects people emotionally and physically, and therefore creates pain and discomfort, Jada said many survivors will hide. They will use anonymous names on social media so they won’t be targeted and retraumatized by victim shamers.

Survivors often choose to keep a part of their life hidden from others for fear of being shamed. They are not able to fully live “in the freedom Christ has given them.”

Survivors need safe people who will hear their story. The telling of the story is an important first, second, and third step to healing. Trauma does not go away without intentional disclosure. But trauma can also be intensified when the story is dismissed or met with disbelief.

Once during therapy, Jada’s therapist said, “You are so brave.” Jada noted that some survivors of abuse don’t like that.
However, it was empowering to her.

Jada says,

“In most of my dreams now, I actually tell the abuser that I’m not captive by him anymore. So, those dreams aren’t scary. Even in my dreams, I’m stronger. I’ve grown. I’m a different person now.” 

Visit the Clergy Sexual Misconduct for more information about clergy adult sexual abuse.

I so appreciated Jada (not her real name) sharing her story. She helped me extensively in the writing of it. Jada is a gracious and godly woman who deserved so much more than what the church gave her. Yet, she continues to serve God’s people. Thank you for sharing, Jada.

Mia’s Story: A Bruised Reed He Will Not Break

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This Article is Part Three of a series telling the stories of two women who were sexually abused, one of their families, and the church leadership that misused their spiritual authority in response. This article includes topics such as sexual assault, domestic violence, physical violence, and spiritual abuse. I acknowledge that this content may be difficult. I also encourage you to care for your safety and well-being.

“As a pastor’s daughter I was always expected to be a bigger person.” Mia is a tough girl. She has been through a whole lot in her life.

A turning point for her was when she was sexually molested by a son of a Deacon in her church at ten years old. Her father was an Associate Pastor and he and her mom noted her change in behavior after that. But knew nothing about the assault. [Mia’s mother and father noted in a video they created that he had assaulted another girl and the church had handled it badly, covering it up and giving him a slap on the wrist.]

There was something “dirty” about that horrible experience, but she saw it as her own rather than the perpetrator’s sin. She just couldn’t bring herself to share it with her parents or others in the church.

So, it stayed hidden for years.

Mia went through two more horrendous experiences of violence—forcefully sexually molested a short time after and then raped by a youth pastor and his friend when she was 14 years old.

Like many who have been sexually assaulted, Mia took it on herself and did not share her story for many years. There were more than the usual reasons for her to remain silent about these horrible sins that were not her fault at all.

Unsafe Church

Mia was raised in an unsafe church environment.

As I listened to her story, I was overwhelmed with sadness, anger, and disappointment as I heard the litany of reasons why Mia has left the church. But, to be clear, she has not left Jesus, just the church. The bride of Christ has horribly added to her suffering and she cannot even enter a church without a raised heart rate and breaking out in a sweat.

At one point in our conversation Mia apologized to me, knowing that I am a leader in the church. But, I could only shake my head and commiserate with her. I know that many have experienced the kind of oppressive behavior Mia has in the church.

Mia’s story is for leaders who want to make church a safe place for sinners who have been sinned against in often the most egregious ways. Church leadership—elders, deacons, Sunday school teachers, etc. —are called by the Lord (like everyone else) to be a solace to the vulnerable among us.

As was written in the blog prior to this, Mia went to the elders in her church believing that this was what a congregant member should do when struggling in her marriage. Though she didn’t know it at the time she went to them, her husband had been having an affair for several years and his paramour was pregnant with his child.

When Mia approached the elders, she shared openly her stories of sexual abuse. She also shared the sinful life she had lived during her teen years following those assaults.

Mia had abused alcohol and drugs and had an abortion when she was 16. She explained that it was about two years before coming to the elders that she had really dealt with her abortion. Mia shared that when she had her first child, she felt shame, believing that she should have been judged by God and should not have been allowed to get pregnant again.

She believes that this attitude came from the Pharisaical teaching of her childhood church.

Mia was still living with this kind of self-loathing despite knowing Jesus’ forgiveness when she came to the elders.

Rather than consider the incredible violations of Mia as an image-bearer when men used her body so wickedly, one of the elders (Sam) wanted her to know she was still dealing with consequences. It did not appear that he had any concern for the forgiveness she was promised in Christ. He couldn’t get beyond her long-ago sin in order to focus on the healing and help she needed in her marriage and from the after-affects of sexual assaults.  

Mia explained that Sam said “she was a horrible sinner and needed to deal with this.” She went on, “I had created a godly family with my husband, but Sam had to go back and pound on those times.”

Those times for which Jesus had forgiven her.

As Mia explained, “He was never kind. He never said, ‘We will get through this.'” Mia said, “He is such a prideful man…convinced he is an amazing person.“

As explained in the earlier blog, Mia suffered under a leadership that was more concerned about following their church rules than the love of Christ. Instead of responding to her hurt and trauma, they had to protect their own leader at all costs when she challenged Sam’s shepherding.

They have never held Sam accountable for his failure to shepherd Mia as Christ has called His elders to shepherd.

Oppressed by the Church

What has Mia learned from her church leadership?

She said she had to leave the church to find healing.

At one point, when I asked what had most helped her healing, Mia said, “To be free from the church.”

She explained, “Separating from that church took away their power.” Mia had been raised to respect and honor the authority church leaders have been given by Christ. But, that power had been misused to crush their sheep and their Phariseeism and failure to love and serve God’s people, to which Christ calls His leaders, destroyed Mia’s respect for them.

Mia shook her head, “It is so sad that non-Christian friends are way more understanding. They don’t judge you that you didn’t come to Sunday school two weeks.”

But There are Some

However, Mia has found some healing from those who take Jesus’s calling seriously. She described being dragged to an organization called “Journey to Heal Ministries” when she was still bitter and angry.

When she was introduced in the meeting, she said, “I would not lie about my life anymore.” She expected a response like she had received in her church, but the response was so different.

“They said, ‘We are so happy to have you here.’ I wrote my story and was apologizing like crazy and they told me, ‘IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.’ It was the first time I had heard that from Christians. It was the most healing from my sexual abuse.”

The spiritual abuse continues to gnaw at her soul. But, Mia said, “My dad is very important. He says, ‘It’s okay to be where you are at.‘” She continued, “In the old days, it was discipline until you get to where you need to be. But, now it’s okay to struggle. I am not kept at an arm’s distance from my parents. When leaders lie to you, you have to question.”

Her parents are okay with that now.

Mia has remarried a good man and hopes her story can help others trapped in legalistic and uncaring church environments.

Where Do We Go

I am praying that church leaders who hear Mia’s story will recognize their own tendencies of self-protection and failure to extend grace to those who bear their souls before them. Jesus covers the sins of these hurting lambs and those sins are removed as far as the East is from the West.

And when it comes to those who have been horribly sinned against, like in Mia’s case, look to the Good Shepherd as an example. “A bruised reed he will not break, and a faintly burning wick he will not quench.” [Isaiah 42:3]

See Mia’s parents’ story here

Emily’s Hell: All the Evil Under the Sun

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This article includes topics such as sexual assault, domestic violence, stalking, physical violence, and spiritual abuse. I acknowledge that this content may be difficult. I also encourage you to care for your safety and well-being.

Second in a three-part series on two women who were sexually abused, one of their families, and the church leadership that failed to protect and care for them.

“I felt so dirty and worthless and useless and to be reminded of my worth in Christ is something I still depend on to this day when the doubts creep in.“

You would think that some former druggie, murderer, or adulterer said this. Looking back at his great sin, he turned to Jesus to see that He continues to love him though, like King David, he had failed miserably. But, now, he had turned from his sin in repentance.

But, that wasn’t the case.

Emily was raped.

Her great evil was being sexually molested repeatedly by a neighbor when a child and then being raped repeatedly by her boyfriend both before and during their engagement.

Her church leaders have said these were Emily’s fault.

Her church leadership not only turned a blind eye to her rapist, but told her she was shut out from the kingdom of heaven. Rather than be reminded of her “worth in Christ,” she has been crushed by God’s shepherds.

Like in Mia’s case (see her story) Emily’s church was not some radical fringe, cultish group. Rather, she was raised in a small, but respected denomination that prides itself on doctrinal thoughtfulness and purity.

But her church leadership has acted with anything but thoughtfulness or purity. They have acted with as great an evil as I have seen in these cases of leadership abuse.

Emily’s Story

Emily went through a period of blindness and attended a blind school for a short time when she was 18. She told me, the blindness was diagnosed as due to PTSD from her childhood sexual molestation and has since been resolved.

She said she began dating Jeff out of rebellion there but was “forcibly stopped” by her parents. They “tricked” her into leaving the school leading her to believe they had a family emergency. She explained, “They refused to let me out of the vehicle once they confronted me about my relationship” with Jeff.

Emily soon after attended a Christian singles conference where she met Chip. He was a big man and a member of one of her denominational churches in another city. They met up once again the following summer when they both attended the conference again and began “dating” over email.

Emily had no desire to marry Chip, but she explained to me, “I felt like I was used goods and nobody else would ever want me after that.” She and Chip ended up getting engaged.

But, she discovered him to be controlling and he hurt her repeatedly, physically and sexually, even before they were engaged.

Following one of his rapes she was taken to the Emergency Room where he remained by her bedside every minute. One of the nurses wrote in Emily’s record that she was very concerned about the “psychological circumstances of family at the bedside” along with several other comments about who was with her in the ER room. It can only be assumed that Chip was keeping a close watch on what she would report to the doctors and the nurse had suspicions as to the cause of her injuries.

Emily has pictures of the bruising. She said,

“I did try to report this to the [church leadership] but was rebuked and told to stop slandering my [fiance] in order to balm my own conscience.”

In addition, Chip had made comments that “he had molested both of his sisters as children and hoped that I could produce several daughters during our marriage.”

Emily was frightened and confused.

She reached out to Jeff once again. He offered to put her up in an apartment he had access to while she healed.

Emily stayed up all night, packed up what she could in garbage bags, and left her family’s home without them knowing. She told me,

“I left a 4-page letter on the kitchen table for my parents and Chip. [During] the entire trip to [Jeff’s city] Chip blew up my phone constantly. In the past if I didn’t answer messages and calls immediately he would hound me and others until I responded.“

That evening and well into the night, Emily’s father and other church leaders were texting and messaging her. They were

“begging me to come home for the good of my soul and blasting me for the sins they thought I had committed, including living with a man I wasn’t married to. Never mind that we had separate apartments.”

In time, her father quit contacting her, but her pastor continued messaging unabated. Emily was being “shunned” by her family and “hounded” by her pastor.

“I asked many times to be allowed to show evidence of the sexual abuse and physical abuse – both in the form of deep bruises and scars (that were still visible months later) and electronic proof I had gathered and kept.”

Since her mother was not speaking to her, Emily even offered evidence of the abuse to a lady in her church.

Emily said,

“Pastor Johnson said anything I submitted would be useless and automatically dismissed/denied because of the way I had left made me an ‘unreliable witness.’ I was not even allowed to submit proof since it was simply an attempt for me to excuse my sexual immorality.”

Playing the Harlot

Emily was compared to Jezebel. She was told she had “played the harlot.” She was told she could be “Rahab” (a prostitute) though needed the redemption Rahab got and she didn’t have.

She was called a “whore.”

Emily was told she had “lied to Chip” because she had not told him she was leaving.

“I was told that as a condition of repentance I would need to send Chip an apology letter specifically citing the sexual sins in full, explicit detail that I had led him into and for breaking my ‘vows of betrothal to him.‘”

She sent a letter that she described as full of the “juicy details.” But, Emily also begged to show the church leaders her evidence of abuse.

Her letter wasn’t good enough. She was planning to marry Jeff, who was a Catholic, and that showed she was unrepentant. It was believed that he could not be a Christian and Catholic.

She was then required to tell Jeff she did not believe he was a Christian and he was going to hell.

Emily was excommunicated by the church.

To Open and Shut the Kingdom Gates

“After the excommunication it was as if I no longer existed. Pastor Johnson had told me I was also being excommunicated because Jeff was Catholic and he told me that they, as elders, had the authority to open and shut the gates of heaven. And that they were shut to me.”

It was a Catholic priest who was most helpful in her healing. Emily told me the priest assured her, “Whatever sins I had committed I had been forgiven for by my faith in Jesus’s sacrifice and that it was time to also heal from the spiritual and physical wounds I had.”

The priest offered to have a couple Sisters sit with her.

Amazingly, Emily continued to seek the blessing of her former church. She reached out to them a year later and they told her she needed to show at least 8-12 months of repentance for her membership to be reinstated. Emily said she lived in “absolute terror of making an error.“

As evidence of repentance, Emily was told to remove pictures of her wedding from Facebook that included her new husband with the feet of Jesus in the background.

Emily said, “I was required to stand in front of the congregation while my sins were read aloud in graphic specifics.” However, her parents were unwilling to see her so she was not present when they read her “confession” to the church.

She “started to wear a head covering and only wore long skirts to further exhibit humility and submission since Pastor Johnson said that humility was a sign of repentance.”

Where To Now?

Emily is crying out. She has been so deeply hurt by the church and her family, on top of the trauma caused by sexual abuses she has suffered over the years. She has held it in, trying to go on with her life. But she wants her story to help others.

She has received so little vindication. It took much for her to open up to others about the spiritual abuse she has faced. Those with which she has trusted her spiritual growth and safety have so badly failed in ministering to her in her brokenness.

And Emily wants to see her relationship with her parents redeemed.

Who is going to humble themselves and seek her forgiveness. Who is going to recognize that their theology has gone seriously awry when they consider rape to be the woman’s fault?

Who is going to step aside from their complicity with rape and spiritual abuse and seek her forgiveness on their knees?

Unfortunately, it is not looking hopeful.

Emily needs to have the final word in her story:

“In sharing all of this I in no way excuse my sinful nature or the fact that everyday I am in need of God’s mercy and grace. That being said, I firmly believe the way I was treated was grossly negligent and spiritually abusive. I need safety and support. I needed shepherding and healing. All I found when I most needed love and light was damnation and darkness. I came to them bleeding and broken and they left me more broken still.

Growing up dad and mom taught us God uses broken, fallen vessels for his purpose and glory . . . I can’t help but think this is one of those cases. I found safety with Jeff when literally no one else was safe or could provide that safety for me. And we have a beautiful family and my husband loves the Lord and we are raising our daughters to know their worth in Christ and His love.“

Tyrants Leading the Church: Seekers of Position, Role & Status

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First in a three-part series on women who were sexually abused, one of their families, and church leadership that failed to protect and care for them.

Calvin and Charlotte1 raised their daughters with what they considered a strict adherence to Biblical teaching. When their daughters exhibited concerning changes in behavior in their teen years, Calvin and Charlotte didn’t understand why and searched for ways to change their parenting.

They explained, “In our search for answers, we embraced purity culture and the ‘Vision Forum’ patriarchal teaching.” They did not realize how that would add to their daughter, Mia’s burden.

When Mia revealed that she had been sexually molested at a young age by the son of a church deacon, then later by the nephew of her childhood pastor, and raped as a young teen by two men in the another denomination (one being a youth leader), so much of what Calvin and Charlotte had failed to understand became clear.

Mia’s change in behavior at home and struggle with the church had its roots in her experience of sexual assaults.

The Spiritual Abuse Was Worse than the Sexual Abuse

It was not too late for Mia, but the church and her parents needed to respond to her struggles in light of these horrible experiences as a child. 

Unfortunately, Mia did not receive the response she so desperately needed from the church. However, Calvin and Charlotte worked through the issues with Mia, coming to learn much not only about sexual abuse, but also spiritual abuse. 

Mia’s pain runs deep and she continues to struggle with the church. The way the community responds to the report of abuse from a victim greatly impacts their healing process and the church failed miserably. Calvin and Charlotte are still hoping that the church leaders will learn from this experience and be biblically responsive in the future.

Her Story

When Mia approached the church leadership – elders who were assigned to care for her – the abuses she had received as a child were only piled on higher and deeper. Mia concluded that, “The spiritual abuse [at the hands of the church leaders] was worse than the sexual abuse.”

Mia’s husband of ten years was disengaging from their marriage so she reached out to the elders. She had remained silent about the sexual abuse by men within the church for 17 years but now shared her trauma with the elders. As her parents explained, Mia must have had a significant trust in the elders to share her story with them after hiding it in the dark so long.

It was a very important step for Mia if she was to begin healing from the sexual assault.

Not only did she share her story of abuse but, in that time of vulnerability, she confessed her own sinful responses that grew out of those horrifying experiences. Rather than a time of care and redemption, she experienced more shame from the elders. [More on this in a future blog]

In a letter to their daughter, Calvin and Charlotte said, 

“Unfortunately, your experience proved that your elders were not safe. When you told them about the state of your marriage, when you shared the details of your abuse, their response was not to protect and care. Instead, they put the burden of your circumstances back on you.“

One particular elder, when meeting with Mia, was unbelievably harsh with Mia, who had been sexually assaulted by men within the church as a child and had lost her husband and father of her children.

Mia was crying out for help, and the elder “crushed her”.

Mia recounted an exchange she had with this elder in a meeting with two elders of her church. She was humbly describing to them her lack of “Biblical maturity.” She didn’t want them to treat her like a pastor’s daughter. She told them, “I am not here” (using her hand to point up high), “but here,” (then lowering her hand to designate her “lack of maturity”). The elder responded saying, “You’re not even here Mia, you are here,” while pointing to the ground.

Piled higher and deeper.

Qualifications for Elder

In another conversation, the offending elder asked how Mia and her husband were doing following a meeting with the two elders. Mia told him that she had tried talking to her husband and it was no better. At that point she did not know her husband had been having an adulterous affair. The elder responded, “You do talk too much. . . maybe try not talking.”

At every turn the elder turned the responsibility on Mia rather than listening to and supporting her in her pain.

The other elder and church pastor should have taken their shepherding responsibilities seriously. They should have stepped in when they observed and were informed of the offending leader’s harsh and Pharisaical conduct. However, they continued to defend this elder. In addition, an investigative committee from the denomination’s regional organization seemed to suggest begrudgingly that he had failed in his shepherding.

Calvin and Charlotte continue to ask the question why no one was willing to hold the elder accountable for his unkind and hurtful behavior. What did his fellow elders stand to lose?

Form Over Substance

When Mia wrote a letter to the elders sharing her hurt, they did not respond for weeks. After not hearing anything for weeks, Mia, along with another elder brought an additional concern about the offending elder to the church board. When Mia once again received no response, she brought him up on charges to the regional committee with the hope of getting help from the denomination.

Finally responding, the elder board wrote to her saying, “Your filing judicial charges has complicated the matter,” not, “We are so sorry we have failed to support you in your incredible need.”

Rather than share the love of Christ, providing support to receive counseling for her horrible experiences in the church, they began to cross their t’s and dot their i’s. In a letter to Mia they continued to point out that she didn’t follow the church rules in how she brought to their attention the failure of the offending elder’s shepherding.

“It is clear to us that you have misunderstood the nature of personal and non-personal offenses, as well as public and private offenses. First, our Book of Discipline III.4 states, ‘Offenses are either public or private. Public offenses are those which are commonly known.‘”

Elder Board’s letter to Mia

It goes on ad-nauseum. A bunch of gobbledy-gook to distract from the issue at hand and their duties as God’s shepherds.

In addition, Mia said they “threatened to bring charges against” her for writing what she wrote. 

Calvin and Charlotte pointed out to me that they have become convinced that the elders are mostly concerned about “their position, role and status.” They are “puffed up,” as Paul warns Timothy when choosing elders (1 Timothy 3:6).2 As I read their letter and listened to descriptions of meetings with the elders, they seem to be pounding their chests, defending, and justifying their actions rather than humbly seeking to shepherd the flock.

And in their wake they are leaving deeply hurt people of whom the Lord Jesus Christ gave them opportunity to serve.

Again, in their letter to their daughter, Calvin and Charlotte said, “Men, shepherds, leaders in Christ’s body went to great lengths to make sure what truly happened was hidden and, in the process, they attacked you.” They went on to say, “[The elders] would not deal with heart issues and hid behind process.”

Where Do They Go from Here?

When the church “courts” fail to bring justice and mercy and faithfulness in the relationships they are called to provide for, protect, and love, where do you turn?

In the case of these elders, they have done nothing illegal to report to the civil authorities. However, they have clearly failed on many accounts to shepherd the flock of God and should be held accountable. Where can Mia, Calvin, and Charlotte turn to bring that accountability?

Waiting for the Lord to bring vindication certainly is a biblical option (Psalm 135:14). However, doing nothing means the elders will be allowed to continue to mistreat God’s people and diminish the church’s Gospel witness to the community. God continually calls His people to step into the melee and seek justice for the vulnerable [Isaiah 1:16, Proverbs 1:2-3].

In their case, the family has chosen to use social media. When the failures of an elder have destroyed many relationships and the complicity of his fellow leaders are compounding the problems, it is important to bring help to others who are suffering under their leadership. In order to warn others, it may mean bringing in the various types of media.

Again, speaking about leadership in the church, Paul tells his young charge, Timothy,

“Do not admit a charge against an elder except on the evidence of two or three witnesses. As for those who persist in sin, rebuke them in the presence of all, so that the rest may stand in fear.”

1 Timothy 5:19-20 (ESV)

There is a standard for “charging” an elder. When there has been a significant number of broken relationships (“two or three witnesses”) caused by the elder in question, it is time to bring it to the church – to make it public.

How far abroad is it publicized, Paul does not state. He did not have social media in that time. 

But, his letters to various churches were read widely even as they are today in our social media. In more than one place Paul brings to our attention the wickedness of specifically named early church leaders (2 Timothy 4:10, 14). Those men’s names, which appear in Scripture, have gone down in history, having been an example of foolishness and evil to the church for centuries. Those words have been read by millions, if not billions of people.

The “engagements” his words have had far outnumber the most viral post of today’s social media.

Horribly offended members of the church may choose to make known the offenses of a leader in social media, emails, news outlets, or other public places after finding no help from other church leaders. It is my recommendation that, as an advocate, you take a deep breath and walk alongside the abused member to bring accountability to the leader. You may be uncomfortable with broadcasting it far and wide, but the healing of the victims and the accountability of the leader are more important.

The primary goal is love and love demands that an erring leader is brought accountability because scripturally, a leader is held to a higher standard than congregant members (1 Peter 5, James 3:1). It is likely that this is why Scripture holds them to a higher standard. . . from his place of authority and opportunities to teach, the damage he can do goes well beyond the scope of the errors of those under his charge.

Rather than judge the traumatized, seek justice for the oppressed. 

Leaning Into Their Story

Let Calvin, Charlotte, and Mia’s story help us learn how to respond to the deep, deep hurt of those who have faced abuse. Recently, I have had numerous conversations with others who do not know how to engage with someone who has been abused.

So often the trauma from abuse has created incredible physical effects and those who have been abused will often seem crazy as they repeat themselves, mix up facts, and struggle to make sense of their experiences. It isn’t crazy; it is the physical response of the body to protect itself from further harm.

Second, leaders in the church need to learn humility, open their ears. . . and close their mouths. Had Calvin, Charlotte, and Mia’s church leaders considered Jesus’s condemning words to the Pharisees, they may have taken a breath and asked how they could help Mia instead of pulling out their church policy manual (Matthew 23 – nearly the whole chapter).

And finally, church leaders need to realize that they are held to a higher standard of behavior and when they fail over and over and show clear signs of abusive leadership, they should expect their story to go far and wide. . . as well it should.

NOTES:

1 Calvin, Charlotte, and Mia are NOT their real names. Though they were unconcerned having their names published, it is P&S’s desire that there be no distraction from their story. The church denominations that failed them have also been kept anonymous for the same reason. Their story could be told in every denomination, and indeed I have heard these stories in numerous denominations. Lest readers think this could only happen in that denomination, P&S wants them to know it IS happening in their denomination.

2 1 Timothy 3:2-3 says an elder should be of “good behavior, hospitable, able to teach; not given to wine, not violent, not greedy for money, but gentle, not quarrelsome due to the power he possesses.” Several of the items listed by the Apostle Paul are pointed at how the leader is to relate to others. Hospitable, gentle, not quarrelsome, not authoritarian. If a man has significant difficulties with these, he is not qualified to lead in the church.

Sweet Vindication [of God]

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I wrote a blog a couple years ago that described my frustration at seeing the online praise and honor given to a toxic leader of a Christian organization. He had died and he was praised on social media by several who knew his toxic leadership.

I was frustrated by the lack of vindication. I had suffered under his ungodly leadership and I felt isolated. Quite frankly, I would have prefered having those same people explaining his toxic leadership on social media.

My friends contacted me soon after that blog to apologize for their honoring of this toxic leader.

In addition, In just a short time, I have witnessed (not on the spot, mind you) the burning down of one church, the flooding of another, and death of another tormentor (ministry leader). The two churches were those who had horribly mistreated sexual abuse victims and supported their perpetrators.

Ah, vindication.

Today I was reading in Psalm 54 and got another take on this by the Holy Spirit impressing upon me God’s vindication. I was deeply challenged for the attitudes I have had.

Psalm 54 says “strangers have risen up against me.” But David, the composer, says,

Behold, God is my helper;
the Lord is the upholder of my life.
He will return the evil to my enemies;
in your faithfulness put an end to them.

Psalm 54:4-5 (ESV)

I was struck by David’s confidence that the Lord would “return the evil” to his enemies.

A question came to mind: Will that “evil” God returns to my enemies be in this life (through trials and tribulations), the end of their life, or simply in the final judgment? He says, in faithfulness, he will “put an end to them.”

I wondered if the end of those who attack God’s people is consistently a horrible end? Maybe they will suffer financial disaster. Or flooding and fire. Or broken relationships with those close to them. Or some particularly difficult death?

Asaph certainly didn’t think so:

For I was envious of the arrogant
when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.
For they have no pangs until death;
their bodies are fat and sleek.
They are not in trouble as others are;
they are not stricken like the rest of mankind.

Psalm 73:3-5 (ESV)

Whether or not God judges these people, who are set against God’s children, by bringing visible hurt upon them in this life or not, there will be vindication for His people according to David in Psalm 54.

I felt badly that others had praised my tormentor (ministry leader) but David, in Psalm 54, showed me that my vindication comes by God’s hand. I need not see it through man’s judgment. And certainly not on social media! I can rest in forgiveness knowing that God will either bring my oppressor around to repentance or bring him to the grave to face eternal fire or a cleansing of glory (if a true believer).

I will be vindicated…but it will be by the Lord.

David’s words are freeing. They set free my captive heart to see the vindication I so desire. I can lay my head down knowing that it matters not in what form that vindication comes. My God, the Creator of the Universe, is on my side because I am His child.

And He will bring His justice to pass…either by convincing the abuser of his wickedness or bringing him well-earned justice.

God’s vindication is just right.

Rest, oh anxious heart.

General Revelation: Look, Listen, and Learn

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I have seen the failure of the Church to respond well to abusive leadership in the home and office. At times I have wondered if one of our difficulties is an ignorance of God’s communication to his people.

In the history of the church, theologians have given names to two different means of communication God uses to speak to his creation: “Special” and “General.”

SPECIAL REVELATION

“Special Revelation” is that communication that is found in black and white on the pages of the Bible. Scriptures are a “lamp to our feet and a light to our path.” [Ps. 119:105] They are inerrant in their original writing and have been faithfully handed down through the millennia. [2 Tim. 3:16]

Normally, evangelicals consider the Bible foundational to how we interpret the world around us. If we have questions about what actions God has taken, His character, or what He requires of His people, we turn to the Bible for answers.

GENERAL REVELATION

“General Revelation” is not so clearly understood. We know about General Revelation from the Bible, in particular from Paul’s letter to the Romans. But it is not discussed with much clarity. In Romans, Paul says,

“His invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made.”

Romans 1:20

Evangelicals are much more “wary” of this communication from the Lord. However, God communicates through “the things that have been made.” He has spoken well enough through His creation that all people are “without excuse” for failing to “honor him as God or give thanks to him.” They are culpable for their rejection of His Lordship over their lives because, even though they may never read a Bible, they have his General Revelation in the created things around them to point them to His character and acts.

What Does God Communicate through General Revelation?

But exactly how and what has been conveighed to man through General Revelation? Paul says “his eternal power and divine nature” have been communicated but what exactly does that mean? And, what aspects of creation communicate these attributes?

As we consider all man has learned about the world around us, down to the itty-bitty elements of the living cell, it seems apparent that God’s creative, life-giving work is there for all men to see. He has displayed the building blocks of His ordered creation as we peer into the recesses of nature. Those discoveries of His creative works seem to be coming at faster-than-light-speed in the past two hundred years.

This look at creation under the magnifying glass also shows us the brokenness of the creation and gives guidance on how to bring healing and help to those who are physically broken. As the specializations in science, including psychology, continue to “specialize” with the piling up of information regarding the human body, we know more and more how the fall has broken us in an area the Bible gives little information.

Special Revelation tells us that man brought overwhelming brokenness to a beautifully and perfectly created world through his rebellion in the garden many eons ago (Genesis 3). Every aspect of creation – spiritual and physical – has been broken by that original sin in the garden. Paul says that the whole world around us “groans” awaiting to be renewed.

It is General Revelation that shows us that we can work to redeem the physical brokenness we live with every day of our lives.

Special Revelation gives us the guidance we need to understand the spiritual brokenness of our world – how our relationship to the Creator can be fixed through Jesus’ blood and righteousness – but General Revelation gives us understanding of the physical brokenness of this world. Of course, our interpretation of General Revelation fails at times just as it does of the Word of God (Special Revelation).

Our original sin affects everything.

Understanding Physical Brokenness

But we would never say to an individual who suffers from physical handicaps that they just need to pray and read their Bible more so they can grow out of it. This is an obvious misuse of Special Revelation. We use the wisdom gained by God’s image-bearers, after observing God’s General Revelation of the physical brokenness, to diagnose and prescribe ways of working with the special needs of that person.

Though the church’s understanding of scripture has grown and developed in some ways over the centuries since its writing, man’s understanding of General Revelation has made extraordinary strides, particularly in the past two hundred years.

General Revelation has made it possible to send men to the moon. General Revelation has made it possible to better understand what is happening in the brain of someone “clinically” depressed or suffering from OCD. General Revelation has made it possible to give someone a new heart. And General Revelation helps us understand the effects of trauma on the person.

Special Revelation does not provide those things.

It is really quite extraordinary how those who have been created to be creative and to seek a redeemed world have figured so many things out. Even those who have no interest in glorifying God in their discoveries are serving God’s redemptive plan (much like Pharaoh and the Exodus).

So, as we seek to reach and minister to a world that is deeply broken by the original sin, we cannot ignore God’s General Revelation that tells us much about man. It can help us know how man responds to horrible events like emotional, spiritual, and physical abuse. We can learn more and more by observing God’s General Revelation how to help those suffering from trauma.

REVELATION of Trauma

How do we bring Special and General Revelation together to minister to survivors of abusive leaders? God’s Special Revelation tells us that Jesus considers the trauma of a broken world as He ministers to His creation:

Behold my servant, whom I uphold,
my chosen, in whom my soul delights;
I have put my Spirit upon him;
he will bring forth justice to the nations.
He will not cry aloud or lift up his voice,
or make it heard in the street;
a bruised reed he will not break,
and a faintly burning wick he will not quench;
he will faithfully bring forth justice. 

Isaiah 42:1-3 (ESV)

He handles broken people carefully. He does not snap the bruised stick. He seeks to heal it. He does not quench a small ember but patiently brings it back to full flame. He looks out for the downtrodden.

The affects that minimizing, discouraging, criticizing, and shaming have on people has been studied carefully by neurologists. It actually changes the brain.[2] The sin of others break us. We need to listen to God’s image-bearers who are seeking the redemption of the body. They have learned much about the body that the Bible (Special Revelation) does not tell us but the Lord has told us in General Revelation.

Healing the Through Talk

Scientists have determined that the process for healing those broken neurological pathways is a long and slow process.[2] It involves talking about the event and pain caused by it without others judging your biblical accuracy or lack of willingness to forgive and forget. Healing comes when it seems that the survivor of traumatic events has talked about it from every angle and has worn their listeners out listening to the same things over and over.

I have heard God’s people express frustration at the things an abuse survivor says about God and her seeming lack of forgiveness of the abuser. They are so caught up in the errors of her words that they forget the lessons of Job’s counselors. His well-meaning counselors wanted to clear up his thinking and in the end were required to make a sacrifice for their sin of judging Job in the midst of his incredible suffering.

Rather than listening and comforting, Job’s counselors were determined to critique his thinking.

If we wish to love survivors of abuse, we will listen and seek to empathize. In time, it will bring about the “peaceful fruit of righteousness.” [Heb. 12:11]  But we need to trust that God is at work in them and through his General Revelation as scientists seek to understand how abusers traumatize their targets.

We are “fearfully and wonderfully made.” [Ps. 139:14] And that is a revelation.

Book by Editor of P&S

Kelly Dehnert, Editor of Pearls and Swine, has written a book about his family’s life in Africa as missionaries. The book provides helpful insights to engaging other cultures.

What others say about the book:

[To Africa On a Lark] is extremely readable, with an easy to follow flow. The stories are quite engaging…The overall theme of cross-cultural adjustment, with the “razor” image, comes through clearly. I hope that many will read, enjoy, and benefit from your engaging string of accounts.

J. Nelson Jennings, PhD – Editor, Global Missiology – English

Notes:

[1] The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk MD. 1st ed. New York: Penguin Books, 2014. [Get on Amazon]

[2] Suffering and the Heart of God by Diana Langberg [Get on Amazon]

22 Years of Failure: The Church’s Response to Abuse

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Marsha sought help from leaders of the many churches she and her abusive husband attended over the years.

After 20 years of marriage she told her whole, sordid story to a couple church leaders who seemed to “get it.” As they heard her story, they listened with concern for her. Their initial responses were helpful and safe.

It All Began . . .

Marsha was sexually assaulted twice as a child on the mission field, later by a relative, and then as a young adult by an assistant church pastor. It seems that each time she turned to spiritual leaders or those who should have had her wefare in mind, she was abused.

In her late-twenties Marsha was introduced to her future husband by friends and had a short courtship. Within a few months they were at the altar repeating their vows to love and cherish one another.

Then it began.

There had been no sign of abusive behavior in their short courtship. But on their honeymoon he lost it and “yelled” at her for accidentally crushing the sand dollars collected on the beach, making quite a scene. Marsha explained to me, “Time went on and his anger was very present when conflict arose.”

In each location they lived, she sought help from church leaders. They were moving about every three to four years due to her husband’s job. One pastor, when asked for counsel told her husband to “love her” and told her to “get her parents out of it.” Marsha had shared his raging moments with her parents over time including the time she said, “He was yelling at me with a dog gate held over his head.”

In obedience to the pastor, Marsha faithfully “kept [her parents] out of it” for 17 years.

Bad to Worse

When things finally completely boiled over, she sought out a church that would understand abuse and help her. She had believed, as some of the churches had told her, that she must dutifully submit to her husband and that divorce was one of the worst actions anyone could ever take.

Church leaders, tasked with shepherding her and caring for her spiritual wellbeing, had faithfully taught her to just hang in there…because God hates divorce.

When she told her story to two pastors in the new church, they wrapped their arms around her. The senior pastor advised her to legally separate. She began that process.

Then, the elders met with her husband.

It all seemed to turn on its head. She began receiving communications from the pastors and a woman who was part of a group tasked with helping other women in crisis. They shared with Marsha in emails and conversations such things as:

  • I don’t find grounds for you to divorce your husband.
  • We are hoping that you might be willing to enter into a process to possibly restore your marriage.
  • It seems you have a habit of leaving churches that challenge your views. Sounds like the same ol’ song.
  • We’ve inherited an estrangement that has gone on for 20 years and one in which several churches have not been consistently speaking into.
  • Relational estrangement is far removed from fixing appliances and cars…It requires two willing people.  It requires repentance and forgiveness….And so we need time to make room for all these things.  It demands patience from all involved.

After more than twenty years. “It demands patience” was all the pastor could come up with. We need to make room for all these things.

This is a typical problem for those in abusive situations. It does indeed take two willing people. Apparently, church leaders having not gone through the years of living in hell with an abuser think they need the survivor to slow down for them to catch up.

They hear the abuser’s manipulation and are sucked into his vortex of lies.

Suddenly, a church that knows little of the story wants the victim to “be patient” while they dot their i’s and check off the boxes they need to feel justified in allowing her to divorce (if they will allow divorce). They think they can finally fix the marital problems where others have failed…

My wife calls it ignorance and arrogance.

It is where many of us have been when we had little understanding of abuse. We can be so ignorant and then, thinking we are so knowledgeable of God’s will, arrogantly espouse platitudes about love and mercy and commitment…and forgiveness.

Abuse is not “estrangement”

It was a strange and calming term to use for the violence perpetrated by Marsha’s oppressive and manipulative husband. “Oppression” is the term that scripture uses. My guess is the pastor used the term “estrangement” (consciously or subconsciously) to bring the abuse down to a manageable level with which the leaders could deal.

As we consider why church leaders would care so poorly for targets of domestic violence, I would suggest that there is a fundamental underlying failure in our theology of divorce.

We think all divorce is bad

Some get this from Malachi as he takes God’s people to task for divorce:

“For the man who does not love his wife but divorces her, says the Lord, the God of Israel, covers his garment with violence, says the Lord of hosts. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and do not be faithless.”

Malachi 2:16 (ESV)

There are few who have not heard translations of this verse that say “God hates divorce” such as the American Standard Version and King James. Theologian after theologian quote these versions to battle our culture of no-fault divorce.

But notice how the English Standard Version translates it:

“The man who does not love his wife but divorces her…covers his garment with violence.” 

The New International Version says,

“The man who hates and divorces his wife,’ says the Lord, the God of Israel, ‘does violence to the one he should protect,’ says the Lord Almighty.”

There are difficulties in the translation of this passage and scholars disagree. But there is significant evidence that the language used, the context of the culture in which it was written, and traditional rabbinic interpretation would suggest the ESV and NIV likely have it right.[1]

It is not divorce the Lord hates, but the reasons for the divorce; the husband does not love his wife. The husband is not treating his wife well. He has severed the covenant he made with his wife.

That can be evidenced in abusive behavior, adultery, addiction to pornography, and other ways that reject his wife, breaking his covenant to love and protect he made at the altar.

This translation makes more sense when considering God’s own actions. He is said to “divorce” Israel in its rebellion, called adultery. [Jeremiah 3:8]

God hated Israel’s adultery and found it necessary to turn away from them just as a survivor of abuse must turn away from the evil of their covenant-breaking spouse.

If divorce were evil in itself, God would never take part in it.

We hold men and women in bondage as we expect them to “hang in there” when a spouse radically breaks their covenant vows through abuse. Whether it be adultery or abuse, the innocent party has biblical grounds to take the legal steps to put a legal stamp of “divorce” on the actions of divorce. A divorce has already taken place in the marriage by the offending party.

In case of abuse, divorce is not only the safe option but the loving option.  Abusers must be held accountable if there is to be lasting change. The Lord most certainly wants the abuser to change.

The church should stand beside those who are suffering abusive relationships. They should do everything in their power to give aid and safety to the survivor, including “allowing” the decision to divorce should the survivor seek it.

Not begrudgingly. Not hesitantly. But with their blessing.

 

NOTES

1 David Instone-Brewer, Divorce and Remarriage in the Bible: The Social and Literary Context (Kindle, Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing, 2002), 1075.