Category Archives: Cross-culture

Lisa’s Victory: A Missionary Horror Story

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Recently, while attending an abuse conference, I was discussing with another attendee the suffering of those who are having to put on the good face for their mission supporters back home while being tormented by their missionary spouse on the field.

Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for mission leaders to be abusive to spouses, children, and mission subordinates.

We discussed that there are many seemingly insurmountable difficulties in getting free from an abusive spouse. But when that also involves living in a foreign country and being dependent on mission supporters for income, there seems to be another layer of the insurmountable.

Lisa’s story has a happy ending but it meant years and years of torment for her.

Lisa told me that when she was eleven years old, she knew that God was calling her to be a missionary. She had seen an old black-and-white film about African mission work and she immediately knew it was for her. 

She spent the years following that childhood dream leading others to Christ and never imagined being married. She would be married to Christ on the mission field.

But then she met Byron who had aborted his university undergraduate degree in order to embark on a seven-year theological studies course. His seeming commitment to Christ and a future as a missionary “touched” her and they were married.

Addictions

What she didn’t know until much later was Byron’s developing addiction to alcohol and later drugs.

He had been working at a vineyard while doing his theological studies and had full access to the wine cellar. It likely started with “just a small sip of free wine” which Lisa imagined he would describe as “the perfect solution to cope with the stress of the high demands he was subjected to, together with his studies.”

In addition, his smoking, which she did know about, drove her crazy. Lisa explained, “He took an oath on the day we got married, he would stop smoking.”

Lisa and Byron went on the African mission field.

The smoking didn’t stop. In fact, Byron began to shame Lisa that she wasn’t doing enough to help him kick the habit. He told her that she had “failed to help him properly” . . . shifting the blame . . . in spite of his vow at their wedding. She did all she could, even attending a group with him to help him stop.

Then as they pursued the Lord’s work on the mission field he began using tranquilizers. She explained to me,

“As head of the missionary outpost he had free access to the medications of the small mission hospital. Although all missionaries could not have any alcohol whatsoever in their homes, I only years later discovered that Byron always asked visitors from afar, to ‘quietly bring me some alcohol from the village – just please, don’t let Lisa see’ and hid it somewhere.”

Byron insisted, according to Lisa, that every afternoon he needed to sleep and he used the drugs to help him forget his difficulties on the mission.

Lisa sought to convince Byron to exercise and eat healthy foods to help with his stress but he responded, “I simply swallow something – that’s much easier, faster and more effective!” 

Brain Damaged Wife

Lisa had two brain aneurysms after nearly 30 years of marriage. She suffered through a 15-hour surgery that saved her life. Their congregation had prayed fervently and they considered it a miracle that she pulled through.

Byron, on the other hand, was now angry that his well-trained wife could not do all she had formerly done for him. Initially, Lisa saw everything double and could not remember things of which she always used to remind him.

Lisa said,

“Byron had no sympathy, just anger about what I left undone, and he angrily humiliated me as ‘brain damaged’ and presented himself as the poor husband of the brain damaged wife, eventually starting to beat me.”

The Physical Abuse

Lisa told me that when she said anything about addiction or dependence he would beat and even kick  her. She eventually had “three orthopedic operations: a torn biceps in one arm, a torn triceps in the other arm and a torn knee ligament leading to a full knee replacement.”

“He often used his fists on me when we were alone, still presenting himself as the ‘victim of the brain damaged wife’ for his escalating anger and sarcasm.”

She said, “I was  a prisoner in my own house. I did not want my children to know.”

But she held out hope that once Byron “understood the danger of the addiction he was gambling with, he would be willing to go for rehab. This, however, never happened.”

Lisa sought out help from counselors for the physical abuse but she was continually advised to just “love him more.” If a therapist said anything else to the couple, Byron would refuse to see him again, claiming they “don’t know what they are talking about.”

She was not realizing that Byron was “completely addicted and not at all interested in rehab.”

Lisa explained,

“As his beatings became more severe, twice a doctor reported physical abuse to the police, who wanted to arrest him. I refused for the sake of my children, and the officer assured me that the case always remains legal and valid and may be presented at any later sign of abuse. He said, ‘And he will be arrested immediately and sleep in the tjoekie – he must learn!'” 

This finally put the physical abuse of decades to an end.

The Children

At the young age of 56 Byron was “respectfully requested” to resign from the mission due to the decline in his work because Lisa was unable to prop up his ministry anymore.

Lisa explained to me, “The children sensed the tension and anger in the house.” Byron kept on emphasizing his wife’s ‘brain damage’ as an explanation for the escalating tension in the house.

But, when the children or anyone visited, Lisa said Byron was the “friendly, good-natured father and loving husband.”

But he “immediately turned into a monster once everyone left.”

Others could see, however. Once a professional she confided in told her, “Lisa, I see nothing of Jesus in Byron! He is a total addict!”

The Narcissist

In time, Lisa was able to put a name to the abusive missionary husband. She described him as a “covert narcissist.”  She studied the traits of narcissism and realized that he had all of the traits described in the literature. 

And there was the physical abuse and the addictions on top of that.

What she learned was that a narcissist is a perfect actor and liar. He was quite “convincing how much he adored his beautiful wife while abusing her behind closed doors.”

“In the end I had to inform my children of the dark truth that their father is a narcissist, of his addiction and his beatings of me, leading to the orthopedic operations that always ‘had other names.’ It was a huge shock for them, and Byron immediately started doing what all narcissists do: He twisted truths and sadly even told outright lies about me to isolate me from my children . . . leaning on the fact that he is their father and they have a bond of blood with him.”

Lisa sadly said that initially he successfully alienated the children from her, isolating her from them to enable him to posess and control the family.

No More Harm

Lisa noted that what we sow, we reap.

Lisa told me,

“I often prayed to God, relying on the assurance from God that He lets ‘all things work together for our good’ (as promised in Romans 8:28). When I started praising Him for that as in Philippians 4:6, I realized that God had actually allowed and then actually used Byron’s addition and resulting illness in my favor . . . to let him reap what he has sown all his life and now helplessly and harmlessly sit on an oxygen machine and in a wheelchair!  Praise Him!”

She said, “Byron’s addiction and lifestyle of 60 years finally led to two heart attacks, ending in heart failure, kidney failure, severe emphyzema, eventually requiring him to be on oxygen full time due to less than 25% lung capacity.”

He now lives in a nursing home, moving about in a wheelchair in which he is pushed outside to get a smoke, then returned “urgently to his oxygen afterwards.”

But now, Byron can no longer harm Lisa.

She takes him his medication or cigarettes every eight days or so and if he makes a “sarcastic remark” she takes her leave.

He can no longer harm Lisa.

She exclaimed, “I am free!”

“The very thing that was my cross for so many years – his addiction and his abuse – has now borne fruit for him to set me free.”

Lisa knows that she did all she could to help Byron.

“And now, after more than a year in the nursing home on oxygen, I can in fact slowly start praying for him, releasing him, for my own sanity, as God teaches me. Because, just like the cruel and sarcastic Roman soldiers mockingly nailing the Son of God, Jesus Christ, to the cross, he has no idea whatsoever what he is doing.”

Lisa said, “I must just let go.”

All That Glitters Is Not Gold: Emily’s Story

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Emily joined the African mission work because it “sounded good. It was the way we should be helping.”

The mission hosted an orphanage and had plans to build a school and tech center for women. It was holistic in its service to the poverty-stricken community. 

Emily had just graduated from college and was ready to begin her life in a foreign land, serving people as Christ would want her to serve. Emily bought her plane ticket with the intention of being a career missionary. She was excited to serve the Lord in this way.

Emily began our discussion saying that the mission was “shiny,” but when she had been with the Christian organization for a little while, that glitter began to wear off. She said, “When I saw the other side of the mission, it was like a one way mirror.”

Image

It started with small things.

The soap that they were teaching the nationals to make had a variety of ingredients. But, when it was marketed in the United States certain ingredients were left off the label.

“It was not a big deal,” she said, but she was curious why the ministry was leaving them off.

There was a constant flow of visitors. As Janice (the mission Director) would show the visitors around, Emily heard the same refrain over and over. The orphans they were serving were put on display. Emily said, mockingly, “Come and smile for these white people. Sing songs because they like that.”

Emily noted that there were so many visitors that Janice didn’t even know the children because she was so busy “showing off” the mission. Emily explained, “She didn’t know the culture, the values, important things to raising a kid. Yeah, she knew that in America, but in Africa there was a completely different value system.”

She saw a disconnect from the culture and seemingly little interest in getting to know the people on a real day-to-day level.

It was like the image presented of the organization was all that mattered, not whether it was actually serving the community or not.

Racial Boundaries

One day she was confronted by Janice. She said, “I need you to be in charge of those women in back. Yer the boss.” Emily said she felt so uncomfortable with that. “I was 23 and some of these women had grandchildren.”

Rather than allow the nationals do works of ministry, the “white girl” from America needed to be in charge. Why would Emily, who had so little experience with children, be the “boss” to a group of women who had years and years of experience?

But, there was a disturbing boundary between the Africans and Americans.

They would go to a local church together, but the Americans would be put in the front row seats and everyone stared at them. Emily explained that they would “pretend to cross the cultures periodically,” but there was no real interest in tearing down racial divides.

Laws of the Land

Janice was also breaking the country’s laws in a variety of ways in the name of “ministry.”

The ministry was saving money by purchasing rice on the black market.

They were forging birth certificates. They made up the ages for the children to encourage adoptions.

When Emily questioned Janice, she said, “This is how things work over here. I’ve been here a long time.”

But Emily, said, “As a 23 year-old you begin to think its okay to do all these morally wrong things while saying we are standing for righteousness!” She said, “There was so much truth mixed in with it that over time I began to question whether it really was the way to do it.”

Be Warmed and Be Filled

There is a passage in James that challenges our tendency to do what is expedient rather than providing real, tangible help to others in need.

If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, 16 and one of you says to them, “Go in peace, be warmed and filled,” without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that? So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.

James 2:15-17 (ESV)

Emily shared that Janice was gone one day and a local family came asking for help. They needed food or money. Emily told me,

“We said no, we can’t help you right away. Then later that day we had the realization, ‘What did we just do?’ It was almost like we had been brainwashed. We couldn’t help unless we got something out of it.”

She said it was a sobering moment. Emily reflected, “Shouldn’t we be helping – pushing back a bit?” But she said Janice would just say, “We can’t help everyone.”

There were more stories and it seemed to Emily that what they cared about was looking good and making money but didn’t really care about taking care of the kids there.

Emily told a heart-rending story of a two year-old who was brought to the orphanage. The child had a broken leg and was malnourished. She needed traction on her leg, but Janice was too busy and wouldn’t be of any help. Emily spent much time talking to doctors, but finally the child’s mother came and took her to Doctors Without Borders.

Getting Out

When Emily decided she needed to get out, she sought to bring some accountability to Janice by going to the board of the ministry.

She said, “I had a list of all the injustices. I laid it out for the board. But they simply responded, ‘Well, she’s been there so long. We just have to trust what she’s doing.'”

Emily sadly said she was in a long line. There were at least four others who had gone to the board before her.

She moved to a house nearby before returning to the United Stated. Emily explained, “I didn’t want my name associated with the ministry.” One of the boys in the orphanage begged her, “You can’t leave us with her!” She said it deeply hurt. She felt guilt that she was abandoning the children.

Learning

When I asked her what she focused on in the midst of the fire, she said, “I kept thinking about what Jesus would be doing? What would that look like. Thinking about how faith works into this? What does it look like for an organization to follow Christ?”

She said she read the gospels. Her experience put into perspective what the Bible said about the outcasts of society. 

And Emily talked to anyone she could when she came home. She wisely noted, “I knew who not to talk to because of cultural clues.” Her experience like so many was that some people just don’t want to hear about apparent failure on the mission field. Some just want you to get over it and move on. They tire of hearing your story.

Some people had the attitude, “you made a commitment.” That was not helpful, she said.

Healing

I asked Emily what has been most healing for her over the past years since returning from the mission.

She said, “Talking to other people in similar circumstances.” Emily would realize that she wasn’t crazy when hearing other stories. She had been living with that feeling of insecurity.

In addition, it has been helpful to share frequently with a friend that was with her there at the mission. She tries to remember the sweet times. She doesn’t want to throw the baby out with bathwater and forget that there was good ministry there as well. 

She met her husband three weeks after getting back to the United States. Emily said,

“He loved me no matter what crazy thoughts I had. Especially in the beginning. It’s an experience that will never leave. It impacts everything about me. Having someone who isn’t judging was incredibly healing.” 

When she and her husband moved to a small town in the west, she crossed paths with a woman who had had a similar experience on the mission field in Africa. They sat down at Emily’s house and she told some of her story and Emily told hers. Emily said, “That was one of the most healing times.”

Forgiveness

I asked her what her journey of forgiveness has been like. She said it was a “big question everyone asks.” She said, “I don’t care to have a relationship with Janice, but have come to where I can have grace for her knowing her brokenness. She’s a human too.”

But, she added, “I could never trust her again.”

Emily noted, “Not forgiving only hurts me. She doesn’t know I haven’t forgiven. It only creates bitterness.”

But, it has been a slow process. She doesn’t think forgiving is just a “one and done” kind of experience. “I still can find myself getting up and angry again. It is more like a spiral . . . I just keep coming back to it. It is such a complicated thing.”

Some Advice

When I asked Emily if she had some advice for others suffering under toxic organizational leadership she said,

“Get out!”

She has seen others stick it out in abusive church leadership situations and the trauma and pain it has caused has convinced her that she took the right step of getting back on the plane.

“You can tell when someone is being called to do what they do and it never looks like an abusive situation.”

To Africa On a Lark: A Visitor Brings a Sharp Razor

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We moved to Africa on a lark.

Mind you, we knew we were called to our life there. But, how we got there was nearly miraculous.

It was on our early, cool morning walk in September of 2002 when my wife cut through the maze of all my struggles and fears and prayed, “God, show us what you want us to do.” A mission work to Austria we founded been started and was floundering. I was frustrated with God’s planning. What was God doing in a work that I believed to be valuable to Him?

My wife wanted the Lord to show us where He wanted us to be.

I wanted Him to get us to Austria.

I thought I had a great idea for the use of my gifts in short-term missions and I wanted the Lord to go along with it. I wanted the Lord to fix the Austria mission and my wife sought God’s guidance in a much bigger way.

Neither of us had any idea God’s answer would be sending us to the continent of Africa.

Thus begins the story of To Africa On a Lark. The book was written to be a readable primer for those preparing to cross-cultures on the mission field. It is not a text but a story of God’s gradual unfolding of his purposes for the Dehnert family. Through their life in Malawi, Africa the Dehnert family learned what it meant to bring a razor to open the presents that their Malawian hosts offered them.

Book by the Editor of The Pearls and Swine Site

Kelly Dehnert, Editor of Pearls and Swine, has written a book about his family’s life in Africa as missionaries. The book provides helpful insights to engaging other cultures.

What others say about the book:

[To Africa On a Lark] is extremely readable, with an easy to follow flow. The stories are quite engaging…The overall theme of cross-cultural adjustment, with the “razor” image, comes through clearly. I hope that many will read, enjoy, and benefit from your engaging string of accounts.

J. Nelson Jennings, PhD – Editor, Global Missiology – English

What a wonderful book!  You have beautifully combined storytelling of your and your family’s journey and experiences with scripture, spiritual experiences, music, and observations of Malawian and Western cultures. It is a great reference for anyone working and living in Malawi or those who support programs in Malawi.

Jeanine Jackson – Former United States Ambassador to Malawi, State Department Leadership Consultant

Historians study something called ‘movement’ — how one people group becomes a different people group simply by moving into another people group. The Dehnert tribe is a perfect microcosm of ‘movement’ – and we are all better for it. This book would be helpful for anyone considering cross-cultural service. For everyone else, especially we ‘experts,’ this book is a helpful lesson in humility – learning again the limits of our learning!

Rev. Sam McDonald  –  Pastor, Faith Presbyterian – Brookhaven, Mississippi and Former Missionary to Malawi

Any time we minister and work in a cross-cultural context —in our churches, communities, or overseas — we have to be aware of the biases and prejudices we bring with us. Very often, almost always, we are blind to them and they keep us from sensing, learning, growing and serving because of our own pride and arrogance that we do not even know are there.

I think [To Africa On a Lark] would be helpful to anyone considering any type of meaningful engagement in a cross-cultural setting. Missions committees would benefit by the “insider perspective” it offers and could help them be more wise and thoughtful in the works they support and encourage. Also, anyone thinking about being called to missions would benefit by reading this.

Brian Carlisle – Former Headmaster and Missionary, ABCCA – Malawi, Africa

Questions to Ask: Getting to the Heart of the Organization

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Jack and I served the same Christian organization. When he left the mission field, he vowed that he would never work for another Christian organization again. He had developed a distrust for those who name the Name of Christ, but treat their employees (and other stakeholders) like dirt.

Now, after several years of healing and vocational development, Jack has begun looking at job possibilities in Christian organizations once again. His love for what the church of Christ can do for the building of God’s Kingdom is pulling him back. As we talked, his concern was how to determine if an organization is toxic before signing on the dotted line.

What questions can you ask when the typical interviewer says, “Are there questions you have for us?” What steps should you take to identify an organization that is toxic? This is what I found in my research to identify questions you can ask and steps you can take to make wise organizational choices.

If being interviewed by the boss:

Because you are primarily looking for toxic leaders, you may be speaking directly to one in your interview. If that is the case, these questions are hopefully non-intimidating and you might get honest answers that will point to problems if there are any.

  • What is the average length of employment at the organization?

Does the organization have a seemingly high resignation (or firing) rate? Is it due to the pay or because they are particularly hard to work for? Many Christian organizations pay less, but have high loyalty rates. If they have neither, there may be red flags flying.

  • If an employee has difficulty with a manager or other employee, is there a policy / process for complaints in the organization?

This commonly overlooked area of ministry development can go a long ways in making the organization toxin-proof. Is there a clear policy that shows respect for individuals and gives the employee a safe way to complain of mistreatment? Of course, the organization may have a policy in place but fail to implement it well.

  • How do managers in the organization seek to develop and use the God-given gifts of their subordinates?

Ultimately, a Christian organization (or any other for that matter) should be seeking to “take dominion” in the use of employee God-given gifts and talents used for His glory. Leaders in a Christian ministry ought to have considered how they are fulfilling the dominion mandate or they may be seeking to develop their own image and seek their own glory through the work of others.

Ask these questions of Employees:

Discussing the organization with employees is probably the most important step you should take. But, as you begin to gain insight to the organization from the grass-roots level, there is one very important thing to keep in mind: Often employees do not agree on whether a leader is toxic or not. As Kusy and Holloway, in a very helpful book called “Toxic Workplace,” say,

“A tip in recognizing toxicity is that there may be (and likely are) different perspectives about the toxic person; there may even be some people who do not experience the person’s toxicity at all. This is especially true for those who are in a position of power or control access to powerful others, perks, or any number of resources the toxic individual wants.” [1]

There are some big-picture ideas that you need to understand as you interview employees of the organization. Kusy and Holloway say, “When we examined the behavioral items statistically, we arrived at three primary types of behaviors that put a frame around how to identify [toxic leaders] in a simple and straightforward fashion: shaming, passive hostility, and team sabotage.” [2]

Here are some ideas:

  • Do you consistently feel valued by your bosses?

Is the leader demeaning or derogatory? Do they act like a parent disciplining a child when criticizing their subordinates or other managers? Do they intentionally embarrass others?

  • Are your ideas asked for and considered in decision-making?

Are the leaders team-oriented? Do they see a win by a subordinate as a win for the team? In Biblical language: Do they believe their subordinates are creative image-bearers of God so they actually believe they can learn from them?

  • Have you, or someone you know, questioned an idea of the boss / team leader? How did that go?

This could be either a matter of a leader’s sin or simply a leader’s idea that others disagreed with. Usually, toxic individuals will either blow a fuse or shift blame for any implied shortcomings…oftentimes no matter how small an issue it is. In Biblical language: They are unrepentant – unwilling to admit wrong. Be attentive to answers that suggests the managers have little or no humility.

  • Is there respect shown among leaders and followers for other organizations than their own?

Are the leaders very territorial? Do they suggest, “Our organization does it the very best way.” “If you aren’t for us, you are against us.” Even if you get this sense from the employees, it is possible brainwashing has come from the leadership.

  • Do the leaders change decisions “and claim no knowledge of the initial conversation and decision.” [3]

This is common to those toxic leaders who are “passive-aggressive.” The employee may think the leader is very busy, has a lot on their plate, and “probably just forgets things.” They may also go behind a co-worker’s back without discussing issues directly with them. These are particularly manipulative people.

  • Do the leaders trust you to follow through with the details of your job? Do they trust their teams to fulfill the organization’s mission?

Micromanaging is a destructive and toxic approach to management. If the subordinates cannot do their job and will not deal with details, the manager may feel the need to do this. This kind of environment may be or is possibly in process of becoming toxic systemically. This may not mean there is toxic leadership, but by talking to several employees you should be able to get an idea of whether it is employee or leadership induced micromanagement.

There are many other questions that can be asked, keeping in mind the bigger issues and forming questions that get to the heart of those issues. I have found that most people do not really understand when they are in a toxic environment. Often they have drunk deeply from the Kool-aid and refuse to see their organization as toxic. Therefore, you must get the answers by means of non-threatening questions and listen closely for what may be underlying their responses.

Do you have additional ideas born from experience? Please share them with us.

Notes

1  Kusy, Mitchell. Toxic Workplace!: Managing Toxic Personalities and Their Systems of Power (Kindle Locations 378-380). Wiley. Kindle Edition.

2  Ibid. (Kindle Locations 421-423).

3  Ibid. (Kindle Locations 471-472).