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Lisa’s Victory: A Missionary Horror Story

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Recently, while attending an abuse conference, I was discussing with another attendee the suffering of those who are having to put on the good face for their mission supporters back home while being tormented by their missionary spouse on the field.

Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for mission leaders to be abusive to spouses, children, and mission subordinates.

We discussed that there are many seemingly insurmountable difficulties in getting free from an abusive spouse. But when that also involves living in a foreign country and being dependent on mission supporters for income, there seems to be another layer of the insurmountable.

Lisa’s story has a happy ending but it meant years and years of torment for her.

Lisa told me that when she was eleven years old, she knew that God was calling her to be a missionary. She had seen an old black-and-white film about African mission work and she immediately knew it was for her. 

She spent the years following that childhood dream leading others to Christ and never imagined being married. She would be married to Christ on the mission field.

But then she met Byron who had aborted his university undergraduate degree in order to embark on a seven-year theological studies course. His seeming commitment to Christ and a future as a missionary “touched” her and they were married.

Addictions

What she didn’t know until much later was Byron’s developing addiction to alcohol and later drugs.

He had been working at a vineyard while doing his theological studies and had full access to the wine cellar. It likely started with “just a small sip of free wine” which Lisa imagined he would describe as “the perfect solution to cope with the stress of the high demands he was subjected to, together with his studies.”

In addition, his smoking, which she did know about, drove her crazy. Lisa explained, “He took an oath on the day we got married, he would stop smoking.”

Lisa and Byron went on the African mission field.

The smoking didn’t stop. In fact, Byron began to shame Lisa that she wasn’t doing enough to help him kick the habit. He told her that she had “failed to help him properly” . . . shifting the blame . . . in spite of his vow at their wedding. She did all she could, even attending a group with him to help him stop.

Then as they pursued the Lord’s work on the mission field he began using tranquilizers. She explained to me,

“As head of the missionary outpost he had free access to the medications of the small mission hospital. Although all missionaries could not have any alcohol whatsoever in their homes, I only years later discovered that Byron always asked visitors from afar, to ‘quietly bring me some alcohol from the village – just please, don’t let Lisa see’ and hid it somewhere.”

Byron insisted, according to Lisa, that every afternoon he needed to sleep and he used the drugs to help him forget his difficulties on the mission.

Lisa sought to convince Byron to exercise and eat healthy foods to help with his stress but he responded, “I simply swallow something – that’s much easier, faster and more effective!” 

Brain Damaged Wife

Lisa had two brain aneurysms after nearly 30 years of marriage. She suffered through a 15-hour surgery that saved her life. Their congregation had prayed fervently and they considered it a miracle that she pulled through.

Byron, on the other hand, was now angry that his well-trained wife could not do all she had formerly done for him. Initially, Lisa saw everything double and could not remember things of which she always used to remind him.

Lisa said,

“Byron had no sympathy, just anger about what I left undone, and he angrily humiliated me as ‘brain damaged’ and presented himself as the poor husband of the brain damaged wife, eventually starting to beat me.”

The Physical Abuse

Lisa told me that when she said anything about addiction or dependence he would beat and even kick  her. She eventually had “three orthopedic operations: a torn biceps in one arm, a torn triceps in the other arm and a torn knee ligament leading to a full knee replacement.”

“He often used his fists on me when we were alone, still presenting himself as the ‘victim of the brain damaged wife’ for his escalating anger and sarcasm.”

She said, “I was  a prisoner in my own house. I did not want my children to know.”

But she held out hope that once Byron “understood the danger of the addiction he was gambling with, he would be willing to go for rehab. This, however, never happened.”

Lisa sought out help from counselors for the physical abuse but she was continually advised to just “love him more.” If a therapist said anything else to the couple, Byron would refuse to see him again, claiming they “don’t know what they are talking about.”

She was not realizing that Byron was “completely addicted and not at all interested in rehab.”

Lisa explained,

“As his beatings became more severe, twice a doctor reported physical abuse to the police, who wanted to arrest him. I refused for the sake of my children, and the officer assured me that the case always remains legal and valid and may be presented at any later sign of abuse. He said, ‘And he will be arrested immediately and sleep in the tjoekie – he must learn!'” 

This finally put the physical abuse of decades to an end.

The Children

At the young age of 56 Byron was “respectfully requested” to resign from the mission due to the decline in his work because Lisa was unable to prop up his ministry anymore.

Lisa explained to me, “The children sensed the tension and anger in the house.” Byron kept on emphasizing his wife’s ‘brain damage’ as an explanation for the escalating tension in the house.

But, when the children or anyone visited, Lisa said Byron was the “friendly, good-natured father and loving husband.”

But he “immediately turned into a monster once everyone left.”

Others could see, however. Once a professional she confided in told her, “Lisa, I see nothing of Jesus in Byron! He is a total addict!”

The Narcissist

In time, Lisa was able to put a name to the abusive missionary husband. She described him as a “covert narcissist.”  She studied the traits of narcissism and realized that he had all of the traits described in the literature. 

And there was the physical abuse and the addictions on top of that.

What she learned was that a narcissist is a perfect actor and liar. He was quite “convincing how much he adored his beautiful wife while abusing her behind closed doors.”

“In the end I had to inform my children of the dark truth that their father is a narcissist, of his addiction and his beatings of me, leading to the orthopedic operations that always ‘had other names.’ It was a huge shock for them, and Byron immediately started doing what all narcissists do: He twisted truths and sadly even told outright lies about me to isolate me from my children . . . leaning on the fact that he is their father and they have a bond of blood with him.”

Lisa sadly said that initially he successfully alienated the children from her, isolating her from them to enable him to posess and control the family.

No More Harm

Lisa noted that what we sow, we reap.

Lisa told me,

“I often prayed to God, relying on the assurance from God that He lets ‘all things work together for our good’ (as promised in Romans 8:28). When I started praising Him for that as in Philippians 4:6, I realized that God had actually allowed and then actually used Byron’s addition and resulting illness in my favor . . . to let him reap what he has sown all his life and now helplessly and harmlessly sit on an oxygen machine and in a wheelchair!  Praise Him!”

She said, “Byron’s addiction and lifestyle of 60 years finally led to two heart attacks, ending in heart failure, kidney failure, severe emphyzema, eventually requiring him to be on oxygen full time due to less than 25% lung capacity.”

He now lives in a nursing home, moving about in a wheelchair in which he is pushed outside to get a smoke, then returned “urgently to his oxygen afterwards.”

But now, Byron can no longer harm Lisa.

She takes him his medication or cigarettes every eight days or so and if he makes a “sarcastic remark” she takes her leave.

He can no longer harm Lisa.

She exclaimed, “I am free!”

“The very thing that was my cross for so many years – his addiction and his abuse – has now borne fruit for him to set me free.”

Lisa knows that she did all she could to help Byron.

“And now, after more than a year in the nursing home on oxygen, I can in fact slowly start praying for him, releasing him, for my own sanity, as God teaches me. Because, just like the cruel and sarcastic Roman soldiers mockingly nailing the Son of God, Jesus Christ, to the cross, he has no idea whatsoever what he is doing.”

Lisa said, “I must just let go.”

Ben and Casandra’s Story: Grieving Loss Under Toxic Leadership

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It took two years.

Ben taught theology and was a chaplain for a mission college in Africa. In addition, he was responsible for the expansion of the library and development of a master’s degree program. Ben’s wife, Casandra, worked with her husband on the organization of the library and as an administrative assistant.

They served the mission for two years before they resigned.

They grieve the loss of what they had in Africa. Casandra said they loved the “passionate” missionaries with whom they worked and the couple has remained good friends with a number of former African students and co-workers, hearing from them frequently.

It was a very good two years.

The graduate program they designed continues to operate after almost 10 years. They feel they had an impact in their ministry with the mission.

Demeaning and Manipulative

When we talked recently they described a visit they made to the mission the year before they sold their house, quit their jobs, and moved their two children to the African country. Over meals with various missionary families, no one mentioned anything negative about the leadership.

It all seemed like peaches and cream as they prepared to move.

However, after their two years of service, Ben and Casandra described the leaders of the ministry as “demanding,” “demeaning,” “manipulative,” and “harsh.” They described several times that unreasonable “demands” were made by the CEO, including an “email about an additional layer of responsibilities” they received one month prior to moving onto the mission field.

During their first year at the mission, a missionary, who was acting as Director while the CEO was out of country, came to Ben and informed him that the CEO said Ben wasn’t “pulling his weight” and needed to take on night guard duty.

Ben calmly told the intermediary that he wasn’t told that by the CEO and he did not have the time to devote to guard duty.

Ben described that when he would meet with the CEO,

“The moment I walked in, it was not a dialogue. It was a pretend dialogue that I could say what I wanted to say and for as long as I wanted to say it. But, the answer was already etched in stone and was going to be carried out.”

Casandra had few conflicts with the CEO, but when she was helping in one of the other offices, she was “yelled at by [the founder’s wife] to not be involved at all because I ‘didn’t know what I was talking about.’”

Seeking Accountability and Change

Ben did meet with the CEO to present his resignation, but expected no resolution.

In addition, Ben and Casandra signed a letter to the board that included “the major concerns we [had] with the organization.” The letter from a large group of missionaries’ said, “It could be an amazing organization” if the board would hear the missionaries’ stories and make changes.

However, the board never spoke with the missionaries.

Ben explained the “judging” section of Jesus’ words in Matthew 7:1-5 did not come to mind until after several months of being away from the organization. That passage says,

“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye. Do not give dogs what is holy, and do not throw your pearls before pigs, lest they trample them underfoot and turn to attack you.

Matthew 7:1-6 (ESV)

At that time, following writing letters to the board, CEO, and faculty, he said,

“I recognized that I just needed to forgive them. I was never going to be asked for forgiveness . . . I didn’t need to be putting myself in the seat of judge.”

While still with the mission, Ben said he “very much ruminated on” verse seven where it says, “Do not cast your pearls to the pigs.” He explained,

“I began to feel more and more affirmed in my thinking that my job was not to try to change them. I was going to fry myself if I took that campaign on. It was a waste of time and energy to try to change the situation in that sense of casting pearls.”

Dealing with 1 Peter and Matthew

When asked about his consideration of the Matthew 18 principles of conflict management, Ben had a very different approach to the application of the passage.

In Matthew 18:15-17, Jesus gives direction for confronting the sin of a brother. The multi-step process includes:

  • Go in private to the one who has sinned against you.
  • If unrepentant, bring another person or two to once again confront the sinner.
  • If continuing in unrepentance, tell it to the church.
  • If rejecting all these pleas for confession and repentance, they are to be treated as an unbeliever.

He explained,

“I just felt like the Matthew 18 principle was something that I needed to own in where I had leadership.” He had also seen a “hurting group of people who had really been shot down in their attempts to try to apply [Matthew 18] to fix breaks however small, however gradual.”

Ben said there was a group of missionaries he called the “Matthew 18 group . . . that were constantly butting heads, constantly trying to bring about change.” He said, woefully, “Many of them were in my office a great deal for counsel, encouragement – for prayer – because they were getting really worn out through that process.”

Ben also said there were those who “camped out” in the 1 Peter passage where it says,

Servants, be subject to your masters with all respect, not only to the good and gentle but also to the unjust. For this is a gracious thing, when, mindful of God, one endures sorrows while suffering unjustly. For what credit is it if, when you sin and are beaten for it, you endure? But if when you do good and suffer for it you endure, this is a gracious thing in the sight of God.

1 Peter 2:18-20 (ESV)

Ben explained that they said, “We’re just here to take it. It doesn’t matter what happens, it’s not our responsibility. We’ll take it. We’ll suffer. He is our master; therefore, we will be subservient to him.”

Ben said he thought most about the 1 Peter passage. He said he “went back to it again and again and again. Sometimes looking for a loophole.”

However, Ben argued their positions with the organization were “voluntary” and received no funding from the mission. He suggested their “accountability” was “to those who put us there”; The churches and individuals who supported them financially were their “bosses.”

As an example, Ben recounted a sermon given in the organization chapel by the founder that was a “tirade against the students” and spiritually “manipulative.” He sent the recording to several supporters who were his mentors for their advice.

He asked them, “Is it me, people.” Ben wanted to be accountable to those who would be honest about his evaluation of the leader.

Ben said they all responded, “Something’s wrong. It’s not you . . . something’s broken.” He believed it was to these supporters he was “subservient to in his position.” He explained, “It is a very unique relationship to have. Because, yes, [the CEO] is my boss. Yes, I answer to him. But my livelihood in no way depended on him.”

As Ben considered the application of Matthew 18 to their situation, he suggested there was no church authority in place for the third step:

If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.

Matthew 18:17 (ESV)

No Change

Ben noted the CEO always justified or explained away his sin, often blame-shifting. He saw this happening both in interactions with him and as others approached the boss.

Others in the mission had approached the board prior to their families leaving the organization with no success.

According to a Workplace Bullying Institute survey, this experience is not unusual. In a 2012 survey, only 3.5% of those who confronted their bullies at work experienced a change in bullying.[1] They found that there was little recourse for those under toxic leadership. In another WBI survey, 61% of the victims lost their job, while only 15% of the perpetrators lost theirs.[2]

As a parachurch and mission organization, no ecclesiastical governing body had authority to act as “the church” found in Matthew 18.

Family Business

Ben called the leadership a “family business.” He said, “[I had] very little sense that I was part of something whose passion was building God’s kingdom. It was very much building ours,” referring to the family.

He had discovered “if you weren’t in the family, you were out of business.” Ben said the “family called the shots and it didn’t matter the thoughts, opinions, the ideas of anybody outside.” He explained, “Real decisions were made around the family table.”

Party to the Abuse

Ben explained the responses of some staff to the toxicity of the CEO, “Some people were the fighters and some people were just apathetic.” As noted above, in his experience, the fighters were “worn out” through a lack of change coming from their battles.

However, the apathetic ones “put their heads down” and “counted the minutes when they could drive out the gates and do what gave them life and meaning, a purpose and joy.”

Ben determined that he did not want to “become apathetic to leadership” or “go find another mission somewhere for survival’s sake.” However, in the end, Ben and Casandra believed remaining at the organization would mean being “a party to the abuse” and did not want to risk joining either of these “camps.” 

The Return and the Church’s Response

Ben suggested the negative effects their experiences had were not as great compared to others possibly due to “living off campus” and being there only two years. However, he said, their “jaws were on the floor with what other people needed to do and go through to unwrap their minds, hearts, and spirits from that experience.”

Though they felt somewhat spared from a lot of direct abuse, Casandra pointed out that Ben had hives for a long time after leaving, and noted, “He had lots of wounds of internal stress from it all.”

Both shared they “were very fragile for a time. We were looking for and very much needed support and encouragement.”

Ben told the story of returning home from the mission field and experiencing two different responses from church supporters. Some seemed to have little concern and apparently did not understand the difficulties he and his family had faced. Ben and Casandra’s sense of failure due to returning so soon from their mission seemed to be exasurbated by these responses.

Ben said, “Some churches very coldly listened to what we had to say; ‘Well thank you for your service. God bless you as you go.’” In fact, they noted that only one of their five supporting churches really sought to minister to them when they returned.

This church welcomed them back, sought them out, spent time with them, and supported them fully. This was a very healing time for them.

When Ben, Casandra, and I first spoke, Ben said, “It has been three years since we have been back” in the United States. He said he had received that day an email from one of his former students, they were going to be hosting another student at their house in a few days, and their church in the United States continues to support the ministry of another former student.

Ben said, “We didn’t cut any ties with [the country], just with the organization. It is very much an ongoing part of our lives and always will be.” In the end, they believed their multiple communications to the leadership and board of directors provided opportunity for corrections to be made had those entities listened to their pleas.

Casandra said,

I came to a point where I knew in my heart that spiritually, emotionally and professionally that ‘the person I am’ did not line up with who and what the organization leadership had demonstrated to me in the past two years. While, I loved the ‘mission of ECU’ and my role at ECU, I could no longer turn a blind eye to the leadership decisions and how the organization leadership treated its students and especially “the help” (ie. nationals in general). The hierarchy of power and status based on race (“we are white and therefore superior”) and the lack of grace, humility, and servant leadership displayed by the organization leadership was directly opposite of everything I believed that God called me to be and how he called me to serve. I could no longer be part of an organization that manipulated Scripture to promote its own agenda.

Ben and Casandra said they never “questioned their decision to leave.” They had comfort in knowing God had called them “there for that time . . . God has equipped us with the mission of what He wanted us to do. We felt we accomplished what we were there to do.”

Healing

An important period of healing came when they returned to the United States. There was a “mission group” at one of their supporting churches who cared for them. Casandra said, “They just really embraced us and were willing to help.”

Ben added, “They wanted to know how we were doing. How they could help us.”

When we spoke recently – eight years after our initial interview – Ben and Casandra explained that the good response they received from this one church was likely due to the church’s intentional development of a relationship with their missionary.

The group asked Ben and Casandra to come meet with them to “debrief with them, not to pick apart the ins and outs of the organization, but for us. It wasn’t about trying to fix what we left behind.” He said most “people didn’t really understand” and that made this mission group’s support so helpful.

Casandra added,

“There was a measure of failure you wrestle with. We moved our entire lives and sold our house . . . and two years? But, we were never made to feel like failures . . . We were able to make a difference at that time and whether it was two years or 20 years, we gave our best and we left when we could no longer operate there in good conscience before God and our supporters.”

Another aid to their healing came with a new vocational direction. They moved to Europe to pastor an international church. There they found it helpful to be in a cross-cultural setting (which they felt called to all along) and among people who did not know them. In addition, they were not in the United States where the failure they felt was so prevelent.

The process of healing has been a longer process for Casandra. She isn’t sure why. She continues to struggle with how to view missions in the church and she has no desire to return to Africa. Ben, on the other hand, jokingly said, “I’m just dead inside.” Remembering his response to leaving the mission mockingly said, “Well that sucked . . . next?”

When they got free from the toxic leadership, Ben and Casandra found healing in the words of scripture, from those individuals who supported them, and in new vocational directions. God has provided good ministry for both Ben and Casandra.

References

[1] Namie, “2013 Instant Poll – D: The Timing & Results of Targets Confronting Bullies At Work.”

[2] Namie, “2014 WBI U.S. Workplace Bullying Survey.”

Toxic-Free Environment: Finding a Church of Shalom

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It is not unusual for those who have faced off with toxic leadership in the church to turn from the church. In my experience, most do not turn from Christ but have a difficult time squaring the leadership of God’s people with abusive authority.

So, they refuse to darken the doorway of a church building at least for a time.

Ezekiel spoke God’s damning judgment upon Judah as they were taken into exile in 587 B.C. After chiding the toxic Jewish leaders for eating the sheep instead of shepherding them, God said,

So they were scattered, because there was no shepherd, and they became food for all the wild beasts. My sheep were scattered; 6 they wandered over all the mountains and on every high hill. My sheep were scattered over all the face of the earth, with none to search or seek for them.

Ezekiel 34:5-6 (ESV)

It is what is to be expected. When leaders fail, the hurt runs deep. You can expect people to leave, maybe never to return.

Don’t blame them.

But for those who wish to find a church that will carefully and lovingly shepherd them in places of peace (shalom), here are some ways to determine if the leadership is toxic or not:

  • Plurality of Leaders: Is there a board? Elders? The plurality of leadership is a first step. There can be more accountability if the church has multiple leaders that can challenge one another.
  • Center of Everything: What kind of praise do people give the pastor? Does he seem to be the center of everything? Does the leadership encourage (or fail to discourage) hero worship?
  • Pastoral Arrogance: Does the pastor often tell stories that, even in a self-deprecating way, make him the hero of the story?
    • “And so I went up to him and told him he was wrong . . . and he turned from his sin.”
  • Empowering: Does the leadership – all of them – empower the congregation as Ephesians 4 tells them to: 
    • “And he gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the shepherds and teachers, 12 to equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ…” (Ephesians 4:11-12) Or do they keep a particularly strong hand on all ministry?
  • Emphasis on Submission: Look at the titles of sermons posted online. Are there frequent sermons on authority? Is the focus on washing feet or protecting and ruling? Protecting and ruling are not wrong, but a particular emphasis on telling the congregation to submit is telling.
  • Focus on Image & Competition: Is the ministry of this particular church “so much better than other churches?” Do people talk a lot about how much better their church is than other churches in the area? This can be just how people feel, but it can also be what they are hearing from leadership. Daamgaurd helpfully says, “Although it is natural to want to associate with like-minded individuals, a healthy church welcomes communication from those outside of the church, even if church pastors and members don’t fully agree with the outsiders’ views. Those within the church realize that they can learn much and benefit from these interactions.”
  • Turnover in Leadership: Is there a significant turnover of leadership? Elders? Deacons? Sunday School teachers? Especially office staff?
  • Turnover in Membership: Is there a large turnover of people in the pews?
  • Focus on A Family: Is there one or two or even three families that seem to be the center of all ministry that takes place? They need not even be formal leaders, but the church may be driven by them.
  • Legalists & Pharisees: Does there appear to be many cultural expectations of members that find little support in Scripture? Dress. Ways of praying. Don’t dance, drink, or go with girls who do?

None of this is guaranteed for determining toxic leadership. There are so many variables and toxic leadership is found in all types of churches with a variety of doctrinal views.

It can be one powerful individual – pastor or member – that causes chaos for the congregation. Or it can be an entire system that continually hires or trains up toxic leaders or brings good leaders down because of their own blindness.

The church is Christ’s bride, but she is deeply broken. I pray that you find a church that loves you as Christ loves you that you may rest in His shalom.

“And I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. 20 I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the LORD.”

Hosea 2:19-20 (ESV)

NOTES:

Damgaard, Neil. Wounded Faith: Understanding and Healing From Spiritual Abuse (p. 16). Kindle Edition.

This is a good article on finding a church: https://www.spiritualabuseresources.com/articles/choosing-a-church

What is Real Repentance: a Biblical Change of Heart

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We often focus on the actions of man in the process of determining whether real repentance has taken place.

An abusive leader, whether in the home or workplace, has been confronted and recognizes that he must change his actions in keeping with repentance as Jesus said:

But when he saw many of the Pharisees and Sadducees coming to his baptism, he said to them, “You brood of vipers! Who warned you to flee from the wrath to come? Bear fruit in keeping with repentance.

Matthew 3:7-8 (ESV)

To “bear fruit” would indicate a couple things.

  • To “bear” in Greek carries the meaning to “perform” or “to make or do.” It is taking action.
  • “Fruit” in Greek means “work, act or deed.”

Considering those words, there seems to be visible actions that are necessary for repentance.

However, repentance is much more than this and our understanding of it will make a significant difference in how we look at our own repentance and that of those who have been called to repentace after crushing others under their authority or power.

I Am Feeble and Crushed

To consider a model of repentence in Scripture we need look no further than David. The king of Israel was a model of wicked behavior – including rape and murder – and he was a model of repentance. David raped, murdered, and failed to bring accountability for others where he had the power to do so.

Yet, it is in his many words that are found in Scripture that we get a picture of a man broken by his sin and repentant.

For my iniquities have gone over my head;
like a heavy burden, they are too heavy for me.
5 My wounds stink and fester
because of my foolishness,
6 I am utterly bowed down and prostrate;
all the day I go about mourning.
7 For my sides are filled with burning,
and there is no soundness in my flesh.
8 I am feeble and crushed;
I groan because of the tumult of my heart.

Psalm 38:4-8 (ESV)

David recognizes his sins. They have “gone over my head,” he says. He is drowning in his sins. He is “foolish.” And he even feels it in his physical body. His “flesh” is “burning.”

This is a man who knows his sin and I would suggest these words give voice to a true repentance.

In verse 8 he says, “I am feeble and crushed; I groan because of the tumult of my heart.”

His sense of shame goes to his very “heart.” And it is in the use of this term that we begin to see true repentance.

From Within

Recently, I was speaking with an advocate who shared with me some incredible wisdom. She was explaining the distinction between the supposed repentance of an abuser, whose wife she was seeking to help, and her own husband who was once abusive. However, her husband had truly repented and has born the fruit of this repentance for years.

She explained that the victim’s husband had been counseled by a church leader and was much less difficult to live with at home in that his anger was not as apparent. She noted that it gave the appearance of repentance.

However, she said he had yet to confess to his wife the wickedness of his heart and his desire to change. The advocate noted that her husband, on the other hand when coming face to face with his sin, confessed to her the evil that was in his heart and the actions flowed from that just as Scripture describes.

“What comes out of a person is what defiles him. 21 For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, 22 coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness. 23 All these evil things come from within, and they defile a person.”

Mark 7:20-23 (ESV)

The Heart of the Matter

It may help to talk about this term, “heart.”

In the west – that is Europe and America – there has been a particularly unhelpful dichotomizing of mind and emotion. “Heart” has referred almost exclusively to our emotions and mind to our cognitive abilities.

However, the biblical use of those terms is not nearly so clean and orderly, nor is neurological science’s findings.

לֵב (lêḇ), which is the usual word translated “heart” in Hebrew, is “used very widely for the feelings, the will and even the intellect; likewise for the centre of anything.” It really is more accurately describing the whole inner man, the center of our being, and definately not just our emotions.1

The term καρδία (kardia – heart), which is found in the Mark 7 passage above, refers to “the thoughts or feelings; also the middle.” Again, note the broadness of the term in referring both to what we understand as cognitive ability and emotions.

So, when Scripture tells you the “heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?” it is telling you the whole inner man is deceitful and sick. It may help to remember that the whole man is fallen in sin. Our thinking and emotions, which generally go together, are both broken.

It is why an abuser can think he is always right and feel he is the most important person in the room, even when it makes no sense to anyone else. Everything about his inner man is contrary to reality. Yet, he is quite sure.

So, Mark 7 quoted above makes it evident that from the very center of an abuser’s being, wickedness, deceit, pride, murder and all kinds of evil comes. It is so evil in its intent and expression that their inner being sets them apart from normal people. Mind you, even normal people need the Savior because their wickedness is just as damning. It just is not as destructive to the people they engage.

My advocate friend helps us distinguish between the false repentance of so many abusers and real repentance. Remember that the “cure” rate of abusers is likely around 5% or less. That is a dismal amount of repentance.

But when there is true repentance, a change of heart – the whole inner man including their thinking and feeling and will – is so radical that you know you are safe with them.

NOTE:

1 The “Theological Dictionary of the New Testament” by Kittel notes that it can be translated in English to denote emotion, thinking, or will.

Strange Fire: Holding Leaders Accountable

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There is a strange dichotomy when it comes to respect and accountability.

There are those who see leaders as just one of the boys. They wish to get rid of as much hierarchicalism as possible. Leaders are just normal people given greater responsibility. They fail like the rest of us. Give them a break.

On the other hand, there are those who look to 1 Samuel 24:6 (or other passages) that say, “The LORD forbid that I should do this thing to my lord, the LORD’S anointed, to put out my hand against him, seeing he is the LORD’S anointed.” They give great regard to leaders, considering them the “Lord’s anointed” and are careful to show due respect. Probably better just turn a blind eye to their failings.

Both recognize the need for church leaders and a need to follow and submit to them. There is no real disagreement there.

And Then There Were Bad Ones

The difficulty comes when you have a bad—really bad—leader. How does our theology meet this challenge? Do we give the benefit of the doubt? Do we turn a blind eye? Or, do we bring the hammer down?

Scripture is replete with the call to respect, honor, and submit to leaders (Eph. 6:5, Col. 3:22, Rom. 13, 1 Tim. 5:17). No organization, religious or political, would survive without followers who submit.

However, some may be surprised that the respect, honor, and submission to leaders in the home, workplace, nation, or church are not absolute according to Scripture.

Bad leaders are held to account by the Lord and His people are called to hold them accountable for their failures where they have that ability.

The Lord Holds Leaders Accountable

Now Nadab and Abihu, the sons of Aaron, each took his censer and put fire in it and laid incense on it and offered unauthorized fire before the LORD, which he had not commanded them. 2 And fire came out from before the LORD and consumed them, and they died before the LORD. 3 Then Moses said to Aaron, “This is what the LORD has said: ‘Among those who are near me I will be sanctified, and before all the people I will be glorified.’” And Aaron held his peace.

Leviticus 10:1-3 (ESV)

Nadab and Abihu had been instructed clearly what kind of incense—the exact mixture of spices—was to be used in the worship of the Lord in the Old Testament tent of meeting (later Temple). For some reason they had taken this lightly and done their own thing.

The Lord struck them down.

We can surmise that the Lord was making a very clear example of them just as He did with Ananias and Saphira in New Testament times (Acts 5).

Another example of the Lord holding his leaders accountable is Eli’s family in the Old Testament.

Hophni and Phinehas, sons of Eli, were priests who led in the worship of the Lord when Israel was moving towards a monarchy. They were failing to follow the requirements of priests and they were sexually assaulting the women under their leadership who served the worship of God’s people (1 Sam. 2:22-25).

Like Nadab and Abihu, the Lord took them out (1 Sam. 4).

In each of these cases, the punishment was death and it came directly from the Lord. The LORD held them accountable for their leadership sins.

And His People Hold Leaders Accountable

It is important to note that the Lord also reprimanded Eli for his failure to hold Hophni and Phinehas accountable for their sin.

Why then do you scorn my sacrifices and my offerings that I commanded for my dwelling, and honor your sons above me . . .

1 Samuel 2:29 (ESV)

It is not just the Lord to Whom we look to bring accountability, but we, as His people, are also responsible for keeping church leaders accountable. Do note that Eli was both their father and the primary priest who was in authority over Hophni and Phinehas. It is not implied or stated that these men’s wives were expected in the narrative to hold their husbands accountable. It would not have been safe for them.

Paul effectively navigates the honor and accountability of leaders issue when he writes to Timothy, a young pastor he has mentored:

For the Scripture says, “You shall not muzzle an ox when it treads out the grain,” and, “The laborer deserves his wages.” 19 Do not admit a charge against an elder except on the evidence of two or three witnesses. 20 As for those who persist in sin, rebuke them in the presence of all, so that the rest may stand in fear. 21 In the presence of God and of Christ Jesus and of the elect angels I charge you to keep these rules without prejudging, doing nothing from partiality.

1 Timothy 5:18-21 (ESV)

After encouraging congregations to provide for elders (pastors), showing respect for their position, it says leaders can not only be challenged by congregant members for their sin but be publicly rebuked.

Leaders are not free from criticism or accountability by virtue of their high position. Church leaders should hear complaints and investigate in a timely way.

There is to be no “partiality” given to leaders. It was the cultural norm that leaders were given more leeway in their failures. They were very powerful and influential. Even in our time, social media may get blown up, but most leaders are given the benefit of the doubt. Only when things completely fall apart does accountability come.

However, we are to hold leaders accountable. Do not show partiality to them.

Matthew 18 vs. 1 Timothy 5

In addition, Matthew 18 takes us through the normal process of confronting a brother who has sinned against us. In Timothy, Paul raises those stakes when it comes to church leaders.

In this passage, the report (confrontation) is coming from two (or three) witnesses, apparently to the leaders in the church (Timothy). This is not the one-on-one confrontation Jesus teaches in Matthew’s Gospel where the individual is to confront a brother directly and do so by himself.

In Timothy, the witnesses (multiple) go directly to others (possibly other leaders), with no mention of the sinning leader being in the room, and the leader who is sinning is publicly rebuked.

It is at times unsafe to congregant members (or employees of the church) to go to a leader to confront just as it is in a work situation where the boss has the power to fire or make your life miserable. This is often a problem in confrontation ethics. Most naysayers will immediately quote Matthew 18 and complain about someone who is uncomfortable confronting a leader one-on-one. They will say, you must go to the sinning leader one-on-one to be biblical. That is the experience of hoards of people who have sought accountability for their leaders.

But, Paul’s words appear to provide a confrontation ethic for these situations specifically with leaders. In Timothy the Word is speaking about church hierarchy, unlike Jesus’s words in Matthew’s Gospel. And he does not suggest one-on-one confrontation, but rather two or three speaking on the side with other leaders. Again, there is no mention of the sinful leader being present.

The “whistleblowers” are given protection.

And there is more.

The abusive leader is held accountable.

Higher Standards

Yes, we honor and submit to leaders. But, Scripture also makes it evident that those same leaders are called to a higher standard of accountability.

As leaders they are responsible to be an example . . . and so their failure is also to be an example. These are Paul’s words in 1 Timothy 5:21. The public rebuke is “so that the rest may stand in fear.” Leaders are not given greater benefit of the doubt. A public statement is not kept under wraps indefinitely in order to show honor and respect.

It says in the ESV, those “who persist in sin” should be publicly rebuked. Note that the word “persist” is not in the Greek text. It is an interpretation by the translators that, after being challenged by the leaders following a report of misdeeds, the one who continues to sin is to be rebuked publicly. This interpretation seems to be saying that only the unrepentant leader is to be publicly rebuked.

But that may not be what Paul is saying. Paul may be saying that because there are multiple witnesses to the leader’s sin, the leader has a pattern of wrongdoing that is doing damage to God’s people (or others) and needs to be stopped now! It is evident that he is unrepentant.

In fact, it may help to look at other translations of that verse:

Them that sin reprove in the sight of all, that the rest also may be in fear. (ASV)
Publicly rebuke those who sin, so that the rest will also be afraid. (HCSB)
Them that sin rebuke before all, that others also may fear. (KJV)
But those elders who are sinning you are to reprove before everyone, so that the others may take warning. (NIV)

1 Timothy 5:21

There is no mention in other translations that there is a “persistence” of sin. Other translators did not read in unrepentance but have given us a more literal translation of Paul’s words of exhortation.

Is it possible that Paul is saying that the fact there are two or more witnesses means there is a pattern of sinful failure (or the sin affected multiple people) on the leader’s part and there needs to be a public response?

His failures are not isolated, but rather widespread or major enough and need to be stopped?

It is possible that he has been confronted . . . over and over. This has been my experience in interviews with those who have struggled with a toxic leader.

For the Good of the Church

Maybe the number of gross leadership failures in recent years will be prevented in the future by immediate and decisive action. Maybe Paul’s exhortation would provide an example for leaders who believe they are “above the law.”

Decisive action on the church’s part will bring an end to horrific leadership.

For the good of victims. For the good of future victims. For the good of all those under the leader’s authority. For the good of the church or organization.

And for the good of Jesus Christ.

Hold leaders accountable. Do not put up with their strange fire.

All That Glitters Is Not Gold: Emily’s Story

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Emily joined the African mission work because it “sounded good. It was the way we should be helping.”

The mission hosted an orphanage and had plans to build a school and tech center for women. It was holistic in its service to the poverty-stricken community. 

Emily had just graduated from college and was ready to begin her life in a foreign land, serving people as Christ would want her to serve. Emily bought her plane ticket with the intention of being a career missionary. She was excited to serve the Lord in this way.

Emily began our discussion saying that the mission was “shiny,” but when she had been with the Christian organization for a little while, that glitter began to wear off. She said, “When I saw the other side of the mission, it was like a one way mirror.”

Image

It started with small things.

The soap that they were teaching the nationals to make had a variety of ingredients. But, when it was marketed in the United States certain ingredients were left off the label.

“It was not a big deal,” she said, but she was curious why the ministry was leaving them off.

There was a constant flow of visitors. As Janice (the mission Director) would show the visitors around, Emily heard the same refrain over and over. The orphans they were serving were put on display. Emily said, mockingly, “Come and smile for these white people. Sing songs because they like that.”

Emily noted that there were so many visitors that Janice didn’t even know the children because she was so busy “showing off” the mission. Emily explained, “She didn’t know the culture, the values, important things to raising a kid. Yeah, she knew that in America, but in Africa there was a completely different value system.”

She saw a disconnect from the culture and seemingly little interest in getting to know the people on a real day-to-day level.

It was like the image presented of the organization was all that mattered, not whether it was actually serving the community or not.

Racial Boundaries

One day she was confronted by Janice. She said, “I need you to be in charge of those women in back. Yer the boss.” Emily said she felt so uncomfortable with that. “I was 23 and some of these women had grandchildren.”

Rather than allow the nationals do works of ministry, the “white girl” from America needed to be in charge. Why would Emily, who had so little experience with children, be the “boss” to a group of women who had years and years of experience?

But, there was a disturbing boundary between the Africans and Americans.

They would go to a local church together, but the Americans would be put in the front row seats and everyone stared at them. Emily explained that they would “pretend to cross the cultures periodically,” but there was no real interest in tearing down racial divides.

Laws of the Land

Janice was also breaking the country’s laws in a variety of ways in the name of “ministry.”

The ministry was saving money by purchasing rice on the black market.

They were forging birth certificates. They made up the ages for the children to encourage adoptions.

When Emily questioned Janice, she said, “This is how things work over here. I’ve been here a long time.”

But Emily, said, “As a 23 year-old you begin to think its okay to do all these morally wrong things while saying we are standing for righteousness!” She said, “There was so much truth mixed in with it that over time I began to question whether it really was the way to do it.”

Be Warmed and Be Filled

There is a passage in James that challenges our tendency to do what is expedient rather than providing real, tangible help to others in need.

If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, 16 and one of you says to them, “Go in peace, be warmed and filled,” without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that? So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.

James 2:15-17 (ESV)

Emily shared that Janice was gone one day and a local family came asking for help. They needed food or money. Emily told me,

“We said no, we can’t help you right away. Then later that day we had the realization, ‘What did we just do?’ It was almost like we had been brainwashed. We couldn’t help unless we got something out of it.”

She said it was a sobering moment. Emily reflected, “Shouldn’t we be helping – pushing back a bit?” But she said Janice would just say, “We can’t help everyone.”

There were more stories and it seemed to Emily that what they cared about was looking good and making money but didn’t really care about taking care of the kids there.

Emily told a heart-rending story of a two year-old who was brought to the orphanage. The child had a broken leg and was malnourished. She needed traction on her leg, but Janice was too busy and wouldn’t be of any help. Emily spent much time talking to doctors, but finally the child’s mother came and took her to Doctors Without Borders.

Getting Out

When Emily decided she needed to get out, she sought to bring some accountability to Janice by going to the board of the ministry.

She said, “I had a list of all the injustices. I laid it out for the board. But they simply responded, ‘Well, she’s been there so long. We just have to trust what she’s doing.'”

Emily sadly said she was in a long line. There were at least four others who had gone to the board before her.

She moved to a house nearby before returning to the United Stated. Emily explained, “I didn’t want my name associated with the ministry.” One of the boys in the orphanage begged her, “You can’t leave us with her!” She said it deeply hurt. She felt guilt that she was abandoning the children.

Learning

When I asked her what she focused on in the midst of the fire, she said, “I kept thinking about what Jesus would be doing? What would that look like. Thinking about how faith works into this? What does it look like for an organization to follow Christ?”

She said she read the gospels. Her experience put into perspective what the Bible said about the outcasts of society. 

And Emily talked to anyone she could when she came home. She wisely noted, “I knew who not to talk to because of cultural clues.” Her experience like so many was that some people just don’t want to hear about apparent failure on the mission field. Some just want you to get over it and move on. They tire of hearing your story.

Some people had the attitude, “you made a commitment.” That was not helpful, she said.

Healing

I asked Emily what has been most healing for her over the past years since returning from the mission.

She said, “Talking to other people in similar circumstances.” Emily would realize that she wasn’t crazy when hearing other stories. She had been living with that feeling of insecurity.

In addition, it has been helpful to share frequently with a friend that was with her there at the mission. She tries to remember the sweet times. She doesn’t want to throw the baby out with bathwater and forget that there was good ministry there as well. 

She met her husband three weeks after getting back to the United States. Emily said,

“He loved me no matter what crazy thoughts I had. Especially in the beginning. It’s an experience that will never leave. It impacts everything about me. Having someone who isn’t judging was incredibly healing.” 

When she and her husband moved to a small town in the west, she crossed paths with a woman who had had a similar experience on the mission field in Africa. They sat down at Emily’s house and she told some of her story and Emily told hers. Emily said, “That was one of the most healing times.”

Forgiveness

I asked her what her journey of forgiveness has been like. She said it was a “big question everyone asks.” She said, “I don’t care to have a relationship with Janice, but have come to where I can have grace for her knowing her brokenness. She’s a human too.”

But, she added, “I could never trust her again.”

Emily noted, “Not forgiving only hurts me. She doesn’t know I haven’t forgiven. It only creates bitterness.”

But, it has been a slow process. She doesn’t think forgiving is just a “one and done” kind of experience. “I still can find myself getting up and angry again. It is more like a spiral . . . I just keep coming back to it. It is such a complicated thing.”

Some Advice

When I asked Emily if she had some advice for others suffering under toxic organizational leadership she said,

“Get out!”

She has seen others stick it out in abusive church leadership situations and the trauma and pain it has caused has convinced her that she took the right step of getting back on the plane.

“You can tell when someone is being called to do what they do and it never looks like an abusive situation.”

Integrity Under Fire: Kani’s Story

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"In this world we go through trouble. Our God will never crush us - we may be pressed down, but not crushed."

Despite all he had gone through under a toxic leader, Kani preached the Gospel to me. The leader of the international organization for which he worked fired him after he confronted corrupt ministry practices.

As a ministry in Africa to refugee children, there was much good being done to raise up the devastated youth; providing training, equipment, and capital to create businesses. The laws of the land did not allow refugees to seek employment outside their refugee camp and the organization was doing some creative problem-solving to provide opportunities for employment that was legal.

Kani was a project coordinator, in part overseeing supplier bids for equipment needs. When the supplies, like computers and peripherals, were delivered he also went through the packages to make sure everything matched what was paid for.

That is where Kani ran into trouble.

Bribery

When a shipment arrived in 2019 Kani was surprised to see computer equipment that did not match the specifications of the bids they received. The computers were worth much less than what the ministry paid.

Kani said the organization could not accept the equipment.

For his attempt to be financially accountable and to provide quality help to the refugees he was confronted by the national Director. A meeting was called that included the supplier. When Kani would not back down, the Director shouted at him in anger. He told him he had made a mistake and to check again.

Kani checked again and it was very clear that the bid did not fit the equipment recieved.

Kani explained, “It was likely someone was involved with the supplier. Sometimes suppliers will give 10% to someone inside the organization bribe them purchase from from the company.” He said this was not unusual.

Kani was not willing to be part of that. He would not allow them to steal from the stakeholders.

All Things Happen for the Good

But leaving the organization was problematic. In a poverty-torn nation, there were few jobs and to leave could be financially devastating to his young family.

When it happened a second time in 2021, Kani was not given that choice. His employment contract was ended.

Kani was encouraged by fellow employees, beneficiaries of the ministry, and friends to fight the firing. He certainly had grounds for writing to the organization’s main office and complaining of the clearly toxic environment he was enduring.

But Kani said, “All things happen for the good and God is in control.” He explained that he knew that God would take care of him. He was not suffering for “doing wrong” as Peter wrote:

If anyone suffers as a Christian, let him not be ashamed, but let him glorify God in that name . . . Therefore let those who suffer according to God’s will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good.

1 Peter 4:16, 19 (ESV)

Kani said that some saw his suffering as punishment, but he knew God would “make a way.”

In those difficult times, not knowing how he would put food on the table and care for his wife and new baby, Kani found solace in the biblical books of Daniel and Esther. He saw all the “stories of people trying to do something bad and evil.” But God was working all things together for the good of those who love Him.

Scripture was pouring from his lips as he shared the help he found in God’s grace.

Kani was learning that he couldn’t “put faith and hope in a job.” He said, “I needed to stay grounded like a tree planted by water. It won’t whither. I will bear fruit in season.“

Toxic Leader

Following being “let go,” Kani received word from those left behind in the organization that the leader had been confronted for financial mismanagement and sexual impropriety with minor girls. He was fired.

Recently, Kani was contacted by a project coordinator for the ministry and was asked to meet with him. He ended up meeting with the coordinator and a consultant who began by apologizing for the horrific treatment he had received. Kani welcomed the vindication.

They then proceeded to ask how the organization could be fixed. I asked if it was an exit interview of sorts? Kani replied, “Yes, it was a bit like that . . . just way too late.”

Kani hopes they will investigate and take steps to root out the corruption.

A New Life

His wife, Nao stuck with him through it all and within a couple months he had landed a new job in another aid organization based in the United Kingdom.

However, this one was not a Christian organization. But, Kani noted wryly, “People are hiding behind christian organizations.” He said, “In the my new organization people love each other. It is very diverse and inclusive – it demonstrates love.” There is common grace at work.

As we talked, I was struck by Kani’s trust and dependence on the Lord. It was evident that he had been deeply hurt by the organization’s leader (and others) but that, despite the fears he had about losing a coveted job, Kani was unwilling to leave his integrity at the church doors. [see this article]

Taking that kind of risk – not going along with financial mismanagement to save your job – would be crazy. But only by the world’s standards.

But Kani does not live by the world’s standards. He was willing to put his head on the chopping block that Christ might be glorified in his life.

Good Leadership Gone Bad

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How difficult is it for Christian leaders to end well? I will try not to be too cynical.

Many years ago, I attended a young adults retreat. The speaker shared with the ragtag group of college students gathered at Fort Huachuka army base that the odds are against finishing well as Christians. I don’t remember the statistics, but the warning was clear. Many Christians start their walks with the Lord with passion but the worries and cares of the world turn their hearts over the years.

Among leaders the statistics may be even more discouraging. How many leaders who start with godly desires to lead with integrity end up toxic? I am pretty good at making up statistics but won’t here.

Asa, King of Judah

Asa, the king of Judah around the turn of the 9th Century BCE, began with a noble commitment to leading Judah under the authority of Yahweh. It is written in 2 Chronicles 14:1-12 that, “Asa did what was good and right in the eyes of the Lord his God.”

Asa, with great zeal, cleared out the worship of false gods in the land. Even the “high places,” locations of worship not sanctioned by the Lord, were taken down despite often apparently justified by Judah’s leaders as places making the worship of Yahweh more accessible.

Then, more than a million fighting Ethiopians came up against Judah and Asa sought the Lord to save Judah. He knew his strategizing and smaller army could not possibly defeat such a great force.

And Asa cried to the Lord his God, “O Lord, there is none like you to help, between the mighty and the weak. Help us, O Lord our God, for we rely on you, and in your name we have come against this multitude. O Lord, you are our God; let not man prevail against you.” 

2 Chronicles 14:11

Asa recognized his need. He recognized he did not have the power. Asa recognized God was the One on Whom Judah needed to rely. He knew Yahweh in reality ruled Judah, not himself.

Those are not the responses of a toxic leader who must make all things about himself.

God, in response, saved Judah from the hand of Ethiopia. Scripture does not even tell us how. It simply states that “the Lord defeated the Ethiopians before Asa and before Judah, and the Ethiopians fled.”

A chapter later in 2nd Chronicles, a prophet came to Asa and further encouraged him to stay the good course. The prophet explained that Asa was unique among Judah’s kings as he had turned the nation to the Lord. He had led Judah well. Azariah not only encouraged Asa in his past leadership but exhorted Asa to continue:

The Lord is with you while you are with him. If you seek him, he will be found by you, but if you forsake him, he will forsake you.

2 Chronicles 15:2

Keep it up, Asa. You can hear the tone of Azariah’s voice even. Go get ’em, Asa. Attaboy.

All that begins well…

But one chapter later, we see King Asa turning and the hand writing is on the wall.

The northern kingdom, Israel, determined to make Asa and his nation’s life miserable. Asa inexplicably turned elsewhere for help. He did not turn to the Lord despite Yahweh defeating the Ethiopian army, over a million strong, before his eyes.

What could have happened? Why did Asa turn to Syria when he had seen the Lord in action in a mighty way? Why did Asa not turn to the Lord who had proven Himself faithful when up against overwhelming odds before?

The words he would hear from a seer were not the encouraging words he heard before from Azariah.

Hanani, the seer, came to Asa king of Judah and said to him, “Because you relied on the king of Syria, and did not rely on the Lord your God, the army of the king of Syria has escaped you. Were not the Ethiopians and the Libyans a huge army with very many chariots and horsemen? Yet because you relied on the Lord, he gave them into your hand.”

2 Chronicles 16:7-8

This was bad. Judah would now be at war constantly the seer told him. Many lives would be lost because Asa refused to rely on the Lord, instead turning to men. Maybe Asa had a moment of weakness. All of us do. We all rely on ourselves or other men (women) at some point…often many points.

But it appears worse than that. Asa’s heart would be laid bare as he responds to Hanani.

Then Asa was angry with the seer and put him in the stocks in prison, for he was in a rage with him because of this. And Asa inflicted cruelties upon some of the people at the same time.

2 Chronicles 16:10

Not only does he punish the seer for telling him the truth, he turned on his own people. Scripture does not tell us what exactly Asa did to “some of the people” but it should be evident that his faithlessness had a deep impact on his leadership.

He would become toxic as he rejected God’s “headship” over his reign.

As he failed to love God, not trusting Him with leadership, he would fail to love man. He would become an abusive leader. This is the way of the toxic leader.

In Asa’s final years as King, he got some form of disease in his feet. Chronicles tells us that it became “severe.” What should have been his response? Unfortunately, it was not that. He did not rely on the Lord as he had early in his reign.

And Asa died.

It did not end well.

What are the lessons for leaders? Leaders need several things to keep them strong. And all of them are seen as weaknesses by the world:

  • Daily reliance on the Lord to mature and strengthen his leadership skills.
  • Daily recognition that the Lord is the true Leader of the organization or business or church…not him.
  • Reliance on subordinates to advise and challenge his failures.

Each of these requires humility. Humble yourself under the mighty hand of God and in His time He is the One who will exalt you.

And when exalted…remember where it came from.

To Africa On a Lark

a book by Pearls And Swine’s Editor

The editor of Global Missiology writes of To Africa On a Lark:. “extremely readable, with an easy to follow flow. The stories are quite engaging…The overall theme of cross-cultural adjustment, with the ‘razor’ image, comes through clearly.” 

Read your free preview here:

Lessons from the Boxing Ring

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Dave Marks’ father enrolled him in boxing lessons so “real boxers had a real person to hit instead of a punching bag.”

Dr. Marks wrote a short and helpful blog three years ago on conflict management [see here]. Despite the crazy dad, Dave’s thoughts are helpful for understanding the toxic work environment…or really, any conflict.

He used the boxing analogy to explain that he loved the corner of the ring that he went to when the 90-second round was finished. It was “safe” there. It was where he got to go when done getting pummeled. But the great value of Marks’ blog is in pointing out the underlying causes of how we react in conflictual relationships.

The go-to “corners” of the ring in conflict, as explained by Marks, are “relationships” and “personal needs.” He asks which we value most? The answer will determine in which corner we seek safety when the going gets tough…and, in my analysis, will determine the toxicity of the environment.

The Corners

As applied to leadership, those who seek to meet only their own perceived needs or only relationships will be toxic or useless. They will either be abusive or so passive they do not lead.

The one who is focused on relationships to the exclusion of their personal needs (or the needs of the organization) will be run over by those he (or she) is charged with leading. It may be that the organization needs a particular project to be completed. If the leader is bending to every personal request of his subordinates, the job fails to be accomplished. Marks notes that he will likely withdraw to save the relationship from conflict.

The leader becomes ineffectual.

However, a leader who is intently focused on his own needs (or the organization’s) and could give a hoot about his relationships with his subordinates, is likely to be authoritarian, abusive, easily angered, and controlling. If his relationships mean nothing, it is his own perceived needs that need satisfying. He must control and manipulate others in order to get what he desires.

He will be toxic.

Bad News

Each of these ineffectual leadership qualities can – and usually do, according to management researchers – create chaos in the workplace.[see blog]

Marks nails it on the head in suggesting that a true balance of valuing relationships and valuing personal / organizational needs will provide a safe corner in conflict…as designated on his chart in the upper right corner (“resolve”).

The one who balances these two extremes will have a resolve to bring order out of the chaos of conflict. They will work with the person they are leading and in so doing, will make the goal of their work clear and attainable. The leader will not fear the response of the subordinate but know clearly where they need to go.

The subordinate will know they are valued and will seek to fulfill the mission of the leader (or organization).

From Dave Marks’ blog on “How to Resolve Conflict”

Both Christian and non-Christian researchers have come to variations of this conclusion. The ground-breaking work of Edwin Friedman in “A Failure of Nerve” provides a glimpse into the toxic environments developed by those who are so focused on their own emotional needs, they run roughshod over their co-workers or subordinates.

These leaders often become so self-focused they place their own goals over everthing else and will manipulate and abuse anyone who stands in the way.

On the other hand, he also takes to task those who are part of the “herd.” These are the ones who are so concerned about relationships that they create emotional dependency or allow toxic individuals (who do not care about relationships), whether leader or subordinate, to rule the roost.

As I have written before, Herrington, Creech, and Taylor have taken Friedman’s research and noted the biblical connections. They point to Jesus Christ as the ultimate “self-differentiated” one as he stays connected in relationships and yet gets the job done. He relates perfectly, knowing the needs of those he engages, and yet always knows his mission and goals.

Lessons from the Boxing Ring

It is the perfect balance we all seek in our Christian leadership.

Ronald Enroth, an authority on cults, writes,

Spiritually abusive groups routinely use guilt, fear, and intimidation as effective means for controlling their members. In my opinion, the leaders consciously foster an unhealthy form of dependency, spiritually and interpersonally, by focusing on themes of submission, loyalty, and obedience to those in authority. In all totalitarian environments, dependency is necessary for subjugation.

We need to take the warning Enroth lays before us. These cultish leaders focus on their own needs and manipulate the relationships. They do not truly care about relationships and their subordinates have allowed themselves to become dependent on their authority. I have seen it in mission organizations, churches, and politics.

We need to remain engaged in relationships and recognize our own needs and the needs of our organizations. When a leader refuses to seek that balance, the organization is headed the wrong way.

It will not go well for the mission of the organization nor for the subordinates.

Book by Editor of P&

Kelly Dehnert, Editor of Pearls and Swine, has written a book about his family’s life in Africa as missionaries. The book provides helpful insights to engaging other cultures.

What others say about the book:

[To Africa On a Lark] is extremely readable, with an easy to follow flow. The stories are quite engaging…The overall theme of cross-cultural adjustment, with the “razor” image, comes through clearly. I hope that many will read, enjoy, and benefit from your engaging string of accounts.

J. Nelson Jennings, PhD – Editor, Global Missiology – English

Solomon: From Riches to Rags

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It all started so well. A good looking and humble guy.

The first book of Kings describes King Solomon as a godly man. He “loved the Lord, walking in the statutes of David his father.”

And if that wasn’t clear enough, when asked by the Lord what his desire was, his response was to ask for wisdom to rule Israel. He humbly admitted that he was “but a little child.” He confessed that he was not adequate on his own to govern God’s people.

What a start.

Dependence

Leadership in God’s kingdom must fundamentally be about dependence on the Lord to gift and guide. Those who lead must be built to lead and then they must be directed. That building of leadership qualities and guidance are from Jesus Christ.

Though a leader may not be born, all that he has has been given by the Lord. His abilities. His material wealth. His opportunities. So, whether a leader becomes a leader after the hard work of study and practice or was a leader since birth, it all comes from the Lord.

It was said of Solomon:

And the whole earth sought the presence of Solomon to hear his wisdom, which God had put into his mind.

1 Kings 10:24 (ESV)

God had put into his mind all the wisdom he had. It all came from the Lord.

Therefore, the acknowledging of God’s gifting and help are essential to a good leader. Because God expects him to acknowledge God’s gifts to him.

…giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ…

Ephesians 5:20 (ESV)

And, it is by God’s guidance that the leader leads. God has given scripture (special revelation) and a world of wisdom (general revelation).

The good leader is dependent on the Lord for His guidance by His Holy Spirit enlightening the Words of scripture. He studies to know God’s Word as the kings of old were commanded:

“And when he sits on the throne of his kingdom, he shall write for himself in a book a copy of this law, approved by the Levitical priests. And it shall be with him, and he shall read in it all the days of his life, that he may learn to fear the Lord his God by keeping all the words of this law and these statutes, and doing them, that his heart may not be lifted up above his brothers, and that he may not turn aside from the commandment, either to the right hand or to the left, so that he may continue long in his kingdom, he and his children, in Israel.”

Deuteronomy 17:18-20 (ESV)

God’s leaders need to be immersed in God’s Word. That is a tall order and an order that Solomon seemed to understand.

And God’s leaders must also be wise to God’s “general” revelation. God has set in course rules of nature that may be studied and applied to act wisely in this life. That which is not clearly contained in His Word may yet be His means of directing a leader in wisdom.

Being a good engineer is founded upon studying God’s established physical universe. Working with the minds of men depends on understanding both the spiritual and physical complexities of his brain. So, the good leader studies God’s world to know with wisdom how to respond to the needs of his stake-holders.

Solomon astounded the people by his wisdom, in one case shocking his attendants by suggesting a baby be cut in half to determine who the correct mother was. He did not know how to do that by God’s law but by the Holy Spirit enlightening him to the events playing out before him.

All Good Things…

But the typical happened. And, it is a lesson for leaders everywhere.

Scripture says Solomon was wiser than anyone around. He was an exceptional leader and blessings of a material nature clearly followed him. Everything he touched, it seems, turned to gold.

And yet, he did what so many leaders do after starting well.

After building a beautiful temple for the worship of the Lord, at God’s direction, Solomon was turned. In his arrogance and power he married any woman he wished and used his subjects for his own ends.

The law expressly forbid marrying women not of Israel. Not out of spite or arrogance but because, as scripture explains, “You shall not enter into marriage with them, neither shall they with you, for surely they will turn away your heart after their gods.” [1 Kings 11:2b]

And, he had a boatload of them. 700 wives and 300 concubines. Good grief.

Solomon also made a house…for Pharaoh’s daughter whom he had taken in marriage.
All these were made of costly stones…

And, scripture says they turned him away to other gods. After building a magnificent sanctuary for the worship of the one true God, he built places of worship [high places] for several other gods. Abomidable gods it says.

Art Thou the Man?

Are you going to be turned?

After being given opportunity to lead and being overwhelmed by the responsibility, were you humbled? Did you see it as a gift from the Lord to be given that great privilege of leading? Did you fall on your face before the Lord asking Him for wisdom to lead?

Great start.

Now, consider how far you can fall.

God was gracious to Solomon in leaving him in charge until he died (with rough spots along the way). But the Lord explained that Solomon’s legacy would be in rags. After such a great start, the Lord is said to be angry with Solomon.

Solomon’s legacy was the split of God’s people (Israel and Judah). They followed separate leaders and Israel especially followed Solomon’s example. The northern tribes (Israel) chose their own place of worship and ended up falling to conquerors (sooner than Judah).

It was a disappointing end for a thrilling start.

To Africa on a Lark by the Editor of Pearls and Swine Site

Kelly Dehnert, Editor of Pearls and Swine, has written a book about his family’s life in Africa as missionaries. The book provides helpful insights to engaging other cultures.

[To Africa On a Lark] is extremely readable, with an easy to follow flow. The stories are quite engaging…The overall theme of cross-cultural adjustment, with the “razor” image, comes through clearly. I hope that many will read, enjoy, and benefit from your engaging string of accounts.

J. Nelson Jennings, PhD – Editor, Global Missiology – English

What others say about the book: