When I first began research in toxic leadership, I had become interested in the topic because of two things: the leadership of our mission and a dear friend’s experience of an abusive marriage she had suffered in for 20 years.
The ways in which those two forms of abuse – leadership and domestic – came together were astounding. The psychological, spiritual, and physical techniques of abusers and destruction caused by them were extraordinarily similar.
As I focused in on leadership abuse, domestic abuse affects were never very far off my research paths.
One particular result (and technique) of abuse is isolation. It is deeply hurtful. And it is almost always, in my experience, a result of or intentional tool in the abusive individual’s kit.
I have spent much time in Job lately and as I read recently, these words popped out at me:
He has put my brothers far from me, and those who knew me are wholly estranged from me. My relatives have failed me, my close friends have forgotten me. The guests in my house and my maidservants count me as a stranger; I have become a foreigner in their eyes. I call to my servant, but he gives me no answer; I must plead with him with my mouth for mercy. My breath is strange to my wife, and I am a stench to the children of my own mother. Even young children despise me; when I rise they talk against me. All my intimate friends abhor me, and those whom I loved have turned against me. My bones stick to my skin and to my flesh, and I have escaped by the skin of my teeth. Have mercy on me, have mercy on me, O you my friends, for the hand of God has touched me! Why do you, like God, pursue me? Why are you not satisfied with my flesh?
Job 19:13 (ESV)
In Job’s case, he has seen the works of Satan destroying aspects of his life under the willing control of the Lord Almighty. He knows God’s sovereignty in the situation and is angry and confused by it.
Job is a respected elder in the community because of the many blessings the Lord has poured out on him. But, as the Lord proves to Satan that Job’s love for God is not based on material well-being, Job loses nearly everything in his world; his wealth, children, employees, animals, crops, and his own health.
And Job loses his friends.
He is isolated.
It is part and parcel of the abuser’s playbook to do all he can to separate his victim from her friends and means of support. He may charm family, friends, co-workers, or employees making it seem evident that the victim is crazy, mistaken about the abuse, or unloveable.
One manager of a large international ministry told me his CEO called all his friends – other CEOs of major ministries – to isolate him. The CEO made it impossible for him to find another job for two years after he fired the manager for confronting the CEO on reports of sexual harrassment of 20 women.
Our missions Director told us the other staff with whom we worked were against us when we challenged his toxic leadership. It was not true, but he evidently wanted us to feel isolated and helpless.
In a recent interview, a woman told me her respected husband isolated her from family and church friends and leadership by means of his social stature and charm.
Another woman told me all of her brothers turned against her when she was seeking to get free from her horribly abusive husband.
Job’s story ends well. He is given great wealth, more children, a whole new ranch teaming with stock and he is welcomed back into the community.
That may or may not be the case for those who have been isolated by their abuser. But it is important to remember that it is the Lord Who brings vindication. It is the Lord Who will provide all the needs we have.
And it may be a case where we must turn to the Lord’s example:
Now when he was in Jerusalem at the Passover Feast, many believed in his name when they saw the signs that he was doing. But Jesus on his part did not entrust himself to them, because he knew all people and needed no one to bear witness about man, for he himself knew what was in man.
John 2:23-25 (ESV)
Jesus did “not entrust himself to them.” Why?
“Because he knew all people . . . for he himself knew what was in man.”
Man is fickle. His allegiances change. He will believe whom he wants to believe.
This is a cry to those who would isolate victims of abuse by believing the lies of the oppressor. Though you may fear the abuser, your allegiance better fall with the victim of oppression . . . this is the Lord’s will.
And, this is a cry to victims. Know that ultimately, the Lord’s vindication is for the taking. Though the vindication of man – brought by your loving Lord – may be long in coming, the Lord stands by your side and will not be removed.
Though it seems that the heavens are falling and the earth is shaking, to be isolated with the Lord is far and away better than the praises of man.
Those who are honored to hear an abuse survivor’s story need to hear Job’s story.
They need to hear his words . . . and they need to hear his friends’ words. They are likely to identify with Job’s friends more than with Job. They are likely shocked by Job.
But then they may wonder why God takes his friends to task in the end of the story rather than Job.
Listen to Job’s heart:
“I loathe my life; I will give free utterance to my complaint; I will speak in the bitterness of my soul. I will say to God, Do not condemn me; let me know why you contend against me. Does it seem good to you to oppress, to despise the work of your hands and favor the designs of the wicked? Have you eyes of flesh? Do you see as man sees? Are your days as the days of man, or your years as a man’s years, that you seek out my iniquity and search for my sin, although you know that I am not guilty, and there is none to deliver out of your hand? Your hands fashioned and made me, and now you have destroyed me altogether. Remember that you have made me like clay; and will you return me to the dust? Did you not pour me out like milk and curdle me like cheese? You clothed me with skin and flesh, and knit me together with bones and sinews. You have granted me life and steadfast love, and your care has preserved my spirit. Yet these things you hid in your heart; I know that this was your purpose. If I sin, you watch me and do not acquit me of my iniquity. If I am guilty, woe to me! If I am in the right, I cannot lift up my head, for I am filled with disgrace and look on my affliction. And were my head lifted up, you would hunt me like a lion and again work wonders against me. You renew your witnesses against me and increase your vexation toward me; you bring fresh troops against me.
Job 10:1-17 (ESV)
You could read just a couple sentences and be disturbed by Job’s attitude towards the Lord. But he sounds like many abuse victims with whom I have spoken.
Victims are angry. They are frustrated. They don’t get how God could put them through what they have gone through.
It reminds me of Mia’s story. As Mia continued to hold fast to the Lord, the added pain of suffering at the hands of God’s servants (leaders in the church), only exacerbated the misery. Or Kani’s story of questioning what God was doing . . . or if he needed to be a better Christian.
Job did not reject God. He questioned the Lord and was angry at the Lord. But he did not reject Him.
Though he slay me, I will hope in him; yet I will argue my ways to his face.
Job 13:15 (ESV)
But I want you to see that Job’s friends responded to these and other complaints by Job much like most of us want to respond when sitting in a victim’s story. As we hear their hurt, complaints, suffering, and what we would deem bad theology, we want to fix them. We have a unquenchable urge to straighten them out. Get them on the road to healing ASAP.
I have heard this over and over. The theologically astute want so badly to clean up the attitudes and comments of victims. Listeners feel they must clear the air and defend the Lord. They must get the victim on the path to righteousness. . . to just get over it.
And, by no means, criticize the Lord!
But Learn from Job
Listen to the Lord. Hear the end of the story:
After the LORD had spoken these words to Job, the LORD said to Eliphaz the Temanite: “My anger burns against you and against your two friends, for you have not spoken of me what is right, as my servant Job has. Now therefore take seven bulls and seven rams and go to my servant Job and offer up a burnt offering for yourselves. And my servant Job shall pray for you, for I will accept his prayer not to deal with you according to your folly. For you have not spoken of me what is right, as my servant Job has.” So Eliphaz the Temanite and Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite went and did what the LORD had told them, and the LORD accepted Job’s prayer.
Job 42:7-9 (ESV)
You would think, like Eliphaz did, that the Lord would come down on Job. Job’s words had been biting. They had been directed at the Lord of the universe. The One who created all things and does only good and right.
But Job says, “Does it seem good to you to oppress, to despise the work of your hands and favor the designs of the wicked?”
Any mature Christian would want to say, “Are you kidding me? How dare you talk of the Lord this way?”
His friends defended the Lord. They responded with many correct theological statements. How dare Job talk to God this way.
Zophar said in response to Job’s complaint:
“Should a multitude of words go unanswered, and a man full of talk be judged right? Should your babble silence men, and when you mock, shall no one shame you? For you say, ‘My doctrine is pure, and I am clean in God’s eyes.’
Job 11:2-4 (ESV)
Zophar is righteously indignant. Sounds great. Accurate. Scriptural.
But, the Lord instead tells him and his other friends, “My anger burns against you.” Their words were wrong . . . and Job’s were right!
Wow.
So, next time you sit down and listen to a survivor, consider keeping your mouth shut.
Oh that you would keep silent, and it would be your wisdom!
Job 13:5 (ESV)
Consider Job. Consider Eliphaz.
Consider that the Lord of the universe is on the victim’s side. And He is hearing His servant Job. You would do well to do the same.
Editor’s Note: This is the Third in a three-part series. See Part One and Part Two.
They had started, it seemed, on a road to healing from the destruction of relationships and the eye-opening experience with toxic leadership in the church.
“It is with an incredibly heavy heart that I write this letter to inform you of my decision to step down as an elder, and my wife and my decision to leave Peace Community Church.”
The Williams were moving on finding no way to stay.
When Michael Williams wrote his resignation letter to the other elders at PCC, he was heartbroken by the actions of their pastor towards him and his wife, Kate. [P&S has shared her story]
But his story, though closely entwined with Kate’s, is also a unique story of spiritual abuse.
Michael’s Story
Michael has thought that maybe the verbal attack Kate had suffered under Pastor Ensome may have actually been primarily directed at Michael. As Michael said, “Kate got the brunt of it . . . before Pastor Ensome1 and I had a chance to meet.”
Michael had served as an Elder at their former church and was “confused and frustrated” by the elder meetings at PCC. There was a great deal of focus on Pastor Ensome’s teaching and “harmony,” whereas, the business of the church seemed to be much less talked about. To be discussing the pastor’s teaching and how to create harmony within the church were important topics, but the emphasis just seemed over the top.
Michael had come into the new leadership position ready to learn. He recognized that churches would handle their business differently and he would need to learn the leadership culture of PCC, in contrast to his previous church where he had also served as an elder.
However, leaving important budgetary requests frequently to the very end of the meeting, allowing little discussion, and the Pastor largely steamrolling the decisions seemed unwise to Michael. . . and contrary to the concept of the plurality of eldership considered important in their theological traditional.
One of Those People
So, Michael met with Pastor Ensome to share his suggestions for more efficient and effective meetings (that more time could be spent on important business) and Pastor Ensome seemed amenable, particularily to his suggestion to have an agenda and get it into the hands of the Elders in advance.
The Pastor said he would give his other suggestions some thought.
After several months of meetings and no appreciable change, Michael met with Pastor Ensome once again. But before they even got started, the Pastor asked Michael, “Are you going to bring charges against me?”
In Michael’s denomination, pastors are under the oversight of other pastors and elders. There is a “court system” that handles “charges” brought by members of the denomination. It can at times be very helpful in settling major disputes that are not necessarily matters for the civil courts.
However, Michael had no thought of taking such action to the church courts and was “dumbfounded” by the pastor’s question. Michael told Pastor Ensome,
“I was there to help and I was not making personal accusations . . . the items were primarily organizational in manner and only meant to benefit PCC.”
As they began talking, Michael asked if the church did any staff reviews. He asked to whom Pastor Ensome, for example, was accountable? The pastor clearly got his back up and responded, “Jesus, my wife, and on occasion I speak with a couple pastors.”
In other words, he was not accountable to his fellow elders, only those pastors who he would see infrequently and had little idea of his leadership in the church.
From that point on in their relationship Michael sensed a “defensive” and “cold” manner from Pastor Ensome. Michael said, “I felt I was relegated to ‘one of those’ . . . people who he held in disdain.”
Michael explained that those were “people who disagreed with him were considered less spiritual, or somehow beneath him, as I have learned from others who found themselves in a position of having different opinions than Pastor, including former elders.”
For months the pastor seemed to avoid eye contact with Michael and did not even greet him unless he was in a situation that demanded it.
Common to many toxic organizational structures is either a formal or informal policy of dictatorship. Some organizations, like Michael’s church, have a polity (church structure) that is centered on a plurality of leaders, providing mutual accountability as instructed in Scripture. In addition, the pastor is simply considered “first among equals” in his relationship to the other elders who serve alongside him.
Though the church polity provided for and directed a leadership that is equal in authority, in practice it is apparent that PCC is really a dictatorship as will be seen in Michael’s story.
Building His Legacy
A major property purchase by the church was presented to the elders by Pastor Ensome.
Pastor Ensome sent a draft letter to the elders that he hoped would be approved for him to send to the congregation regarding the purchase. Pastor Ensome was acting as if he was accountable to the other elders.
Michael responded to the letter with some questions and comments. But the pastor’s letter went out to the congregation a week later and it had misleading information without having addressed Michael’s questions.
Michael said, “I was open to the consideration of the purchase, but felt strongly there was a need for discussion, due diligence, and evaluation first for the benefit of the church.”
However, Pastor Ensome wrote in the letter, the “elders believe this is the right course” though Michael had never agreed to it.
“The whole process was one where I had questions and reservations which essentially were prevented from being discussed on a timely basis nor even with a sense of due diligence.”
On Being Shut Down
Michael asked the pastor if the Elders could spend some time in a weekend leadership meeting to discuss the purchase. Ensome told him yes, but that he would have very little time.
Michael waited and waited throughout the meetings over the weekend, finally asking the pastor when he was going to be allowed to discuss the purchase or not. Pastor Ensome grudgingly said maybe later.
It didn’t happen.
Michael was allowed to express his questions and concerns at the next Elder’s meeting. But the ball was already rolling . . . or steamrolling ahead. The purchase was moving forward. There was no encouragement of addressing the questions and concerns by Pastor Ensome, who seemed obviously disturbed by having to allow Michael time to speak. He just wanted to move along.
So, Michael also asked to be present for an inspection of the purchase and was told no by Pastor Ensome. In fact, only those selected by the pastor were allowed to attend the inspection.
As it turned out, there were major problems with the property. The building needed to be torn down and was not feasible for use as the pastor had communicated to the congregation.
The steamroller moved ahead. The purchase was made.
Staying Engaged
Michael was encouraged to continue serving by former elders. But he was learning an unfortunate lesson about PCC’s leadership:
“I found the board to be little more than, a ‘rubber stamp’ for Pastor Ensome as he regularly got whatever he wanted with little pushback or minimal discussion.”
Again, common to these authoritarian organizations or churches, boards are often hand-picked and/or manipulated by the pastor or CEO to become just an “old boys’ network.” Board members who don’t comply, are generally forced off the board one way or another (as was the experience at PCC).
After making the property purchase, Michael was asked to chair a “vision” committee made up of other elders and one other church member. They met with the staff pastor and Pastor Ensome during which “[Pastor Ensome] dominated the conversation at that time and expressed no concerns of the committee.”
The purpose was to develop a ministry plan for the purchase and involved a survey that the Elders and then possibly the congregation were to be given.
Isolating
When the survey was presented to the Elders for their review and input, Pastor Ensome accused Michael of creating an “illegal” committee, going against denominational rules. Michael said the tension among the elders was palpable and Pastor Ensome later sent a letter to the Elders apologizing for his behavior.
There were two elders present who had served on this committee and they said nothing.
It was soon after this, and before Michael could meet with the pastor, that Kate experienced Ensome’s wrath in a meeting of her own [here is her story].
After Kate’s infamous meeting with Pastor Ensome, Michael, Elder John and a staff pastor met with him.
Michael described what happened:
“To begin the meeting Pastor Ensome gave a one-page handout of scriptures beginning with John 14 and other verses including 1 Corinthians 2:14, Acts 1:6 and 14, and Acts 13:2 and 46. He then proceeded with a 20-minute sermon. The message I got was that Pastor Ensome was spiritual like Jesus, while Kate and I were not. He never admitted the cruel words he had spoken or his wide ranging and harmful accusations against Kate, but rather seemed justified in his actions and opinions.”
After the pastor’s “sermon” Michael got a chance to read Kate’s letter out loud to the elders explaining why she had come to Pastor Ensome in the first place for counsel. However, the pastor quickly tried to shut him down by interrupting him as he read his wife’s account. Michael pushed back and told him “firmly not to interrupt” but elder John and the staff pastor present did nothing to stop the bullying – they sat quietly.
The staff pastor has since apologized for his failure. “He said what was needed were men who feared God more than man and sadly, he was not one at that moment.”
In Michael’s experience and many with whom I speak, leaders who abuse their spiritual authority make it difficult for those who serve with or for them to stand against his tide. Whether weilding a sense of spiritual superiority, power over their careers, or simply taking advantage of other’s desire to please the head honcho, standing up can be difficult.
All leaders, who abuse their authority, enjoy the complicityof others who have a say in their employment but do not take the steps to stop toxic leaders.
Michael said,
“We are now aware that while at PCC and after we left, both of us were slandered by Pastor Ensome on numerous occasions, calling into question even the integrity of our faith – not being spiritually minded but worldly in our trust. He tried to control us by how we might share our stories with others before we left, but clearly does not feel the same constraints on his own behavior.”
In a letter to the elders, not including Michael, Pastor Ensome laid further groundwork for his own narrative. That narrative made it evident that to challenge his understanding of God’s plan for PCC was to challenge God. Who can stand against such a standard?
The pastor wrote,
“Were we following a living God who has a plan for his Church, or were we following our own plans, and all the talk of prayer and keeping in step with the spirit was just a pious smokescreen? Michael thought of me as irresponsible when it came to vision; my pushback was that God already had a vision and our mission was to discern and follow it.”
Pastor Ensome’s own pious language is confusing to those uninitiated to spiritual abuse. He made bizarre judgments of the Williams’ hearts – something of which he had accused Kate – and made it clear he was in line with God’s vision.
To go against him was to go against the Lord.
“While Michael and Kate had a passion for purity, and embraced a rigorous moral ethic, I believe the focus of their lives was a personal sense of how things ought to be, not Christ and his kingdom. . . “
The pastor’s “focus” of his life was Christ and his kingdom; the Williams’ was not.
The “Investigation”
Sometime after the Williams left the church, at the urging of the staff pastor and another employee, the elders instigated an investigation of complaints. The elders were encouraged to talk to the Williams but the Williams found it necessary to contact the elders themselves.
There was a former elder who had faced Pastor Ensome’s abuse several years earlier with whom the Williams encouraged the elders to speak. The elders declined and weren’t interested.
There was a “briefing” following the investigation. The congregation was called together and the pastor gave a “confession.” The staff pastor, employee, and Williams were informed of the briefing but were forbidden to speak.
After reading a transcript of the “confession” it takes on the typical type of repentance talk common to abusive leaders. He had been called out for his sin and he found it necessary to show some humility.
However, these confessions normally take on very general ideas – no specific examples of their sin are shared. This was indeed Pastor Ensome’s confession.
Interestingly, he notes a lifelong pattern of abusing (not his term) other leaders, a clear disqualification for eldership. He admits to being confronted by his son . . . and sharing that he humbly received the criticism.
As the Williams noted, “Some members took [it] as an apology and some thought he was talking about sins all of us could relate to because he was vague.”
In addition, Kate explained that she had “an email exchange with one of the elders after and he admitted that the confession was not all it could have been but a starting point.”
True confession and repentance includes specifics. It means truly owning up to the sin and facing the humiliating process of being wrong.
And true repentance means seeking forgiveness and making restitution.
Protecting Others
As Michael finished his letter to the elder board, he urged them to take steps to stop the pastor’s abusive leadership. He wrote that he and Kate came to realize,
“The abuse of power by bullying, control, using the scriptures to condemn, shunning, and slander have been going on for a long time. There are many individuals, particularly those in leadership whose sin was to challenge Ensome in some fashion. We were told that for many years, other elder boards (or the remnants after some elders left) have chosen to defend Ensome, the shepherd, at the cost of the sheep scarred by his attacks.”
Michael and Kate have called upon the elders to take their positions of authority seriously for the protection of God’s people (Ez. 34). They hope that the leaders will hold Pastor Ensome accountable and not be “duped” by his manipulation.
After Michael’s resignation, two elders reached out to Michael. One said he was going out of town but wanted to meet on his return. Michael said he never followed up. The other expressed surprise on reading the letter of resignation and expressed sorrow on hearing about the difficulties (abuses) mentioned.
The details of the attack on Kate had evidently not been shared with all of the elders. Those details were kept quiet by the Elder John and another elder who tried unsuccessfully to address the sinful behavior of the pastor.
The elders have, to date, not sought to meet with Michael and Kate to understand fully what occurred. Apparently, they are content to let them go and protect Pastor Ensome.
Pastor Ensome has never contacted Michael.
Comfort
While Michael thinks of James 1:6 when he thinks of Pastor Ensome, he does not dwell on it. “If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, this person’s religion is worthless.”
However, Psalm 9:9 has been a comfort, and Michael has held tenaciously to its words: “The Lord is a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.”
Indeed, Psalm 9:9 is a banner that flies before many survivors of abusive leadership in the home, church, and workplace. The Lord seems like the only stronghold at times when isolated by the abuse of others and the disbelief of those to whom we turn for help.
NOTES:
1 The names used in this article are fictitious, but the general story is not. Pearls and Swine does not publish names, places, or identifiable information as it is our desire to keep victims of abusive leadership safe and to not distract others while applying the lessons learned.
Since this story was written, Pastor Ensome was investigated by a third party and soon after retired.
Editor’s Note: This is the second in a three-part series.Part three can be found here when it is posted.
It has been two years since the Williams left Peace Community Church.1 They would have remained silent had the abusive leadership not proceeded to crush others the Williams love.
“Michael and I loved being at Peace Community Church. We loved the community, the worship and a place to serve. We were deeply hurt that we felt we could no longer stay. All at once we lost a place to worship, a church community, fellowship with people we loved. And we lost ministries that we felt God had called and gifted us to serve in.”
Just as we see in the Garden of Eden, we tend to blame-shift when confronted for our sin (Gen. 3). Toxic leaders make an art of it.
What the Williams discovered is that abusive leaders will often “change the narrative from his/her verbal abuse to the person’s (that they have attacked) sins and call the attack a conflict.” It is just another form of blame-shifting where the attention is placed on the offended and taken off the offender.
Pastor Ensome wrote one email to the Williams where he described the experience of a member who came to his house and later told others he had “yelled at her.” He complained to the Williams that his wife and daughter were in an adjoining room and they had said Ensome did not “yell” at the woman.
Pastor Ensome has both admitted to and others have described his anger. It does not come out necessarily in a loud voice but in attitude and words. In his email telling of the story he basically admitted to examples of a significant problem for his leadership – anger [see Titus 1:7-8].
But he skillfully wove the narrative to once again make himself a saint and the woman a liar. The confrontation at his house wasn’t about his sin (what she was confronting him for) but rather about the woman’s perception of his response.
In doing so, he made sure it was understood that he was the humble one AND the persecuted one effectively shifting the blame.
It’s All Your Fault
In an email three months later, the Pastor continued the spiritual abuse, misusing scripture to badger and excuse his poor shepherding, shifting the blame to Kate. He said in the email,
“Jesus knows you, and all that you have done for him. Really, that is all that matters. If my words turn out to be false, then your honor in your service to Christ is all the greater. You are the only one who can fail to walk with integrity with Christ. I really have no power to destroy what matters to you and to the Lord Jesus. My words really make little difference, if any.”
Notice the sleight of hand he uses here? While supposably apologizing and entitling the email “encouragement,” Pastor Ensome in essence told Kate that his words don’t mean anything. It is her fault if she does damage to the integrity of her walk with God.
It is her fault.
The blame for her deep hurt is found in Katedoing damage to herself. Not in his words. Pastor Ensome has no culpability for his words.
As Kate said, a pastor’s words carry a lot of weight. “Especially a pastor whom I had respected, admired and trusted. How could my pastor say such hurtful things in such a mean, and cold manner?” This is why Paul and James suggest teachers and leaders should have more accountability [James 3:1, 1 Timothy 3:2, 5:19-20]. A pastor’s words have special authority.
Kate shared,
“He told me that my eyes emanated judgement so, for weeks after that meeting I questioned what I looked like to people when I was talking to them. He stated that John (an elder), who I also respected, had issues with me. But, John emphatically responded that he did not. . . He told me the staff pastor had told him I couldn’t get along with the ladies that I had poured so much of my heart and energy into serving. . .Though the staff pastor told me he never said anything like this to Pastor Ensome.“
And yet, Pastor Ensome suggests that words will never hurt her. The only way his words can hurt her is if she is spiritually weak . . . so, now it is her fault.
Isolating the Target
When Pastor Ensome told Kate the staff pastor and elder John both had difficulties with her, he effectively isolated her.
One of the most common, and effective means of controlling the narrative is by forcing the victim into their own little bubble. . . where there is no help. Or, so it seems.
Kate, for a time, thought she was alone in her struggle with Pastor Ensome. She and Michael had no one to advocate for them. According to the pastor, everyone was against her.
But, fortunately the truth won out as both the staff pastor and other elder (John) made it clear to her that they had nothing against her. In addition, the long-time member shared common stories of abuse with her.
Though we do not want to depend on others (rather than Christ) for our strength, God has made us for community and for bearing of one another’s burdens.
And so, they can no longer keep silent.
No Longer Silent
Kate and Michael have learned that their silence for the past two years is not helping the body of Christ.
Though they have gotten free of Pastor Ensome’s abusive leadership, they are determined to stand by those who are continuing to suffer under his misuse of spiritual authority. Just as others suffered before the Williams showed up on the scene, there are others who continue to face Pastor Ensome’s wrath; including two recent employees.
One has resigned and another has been fired.
“Pastor Ensome’s words took away from me part of my identity and undermined the loving relationships I had with those I served. He damaged my trust in others in positions of authority. . . We have come to realize that it may not be in the best interest of PCC for us to remain silent because keeping silent may actually be hurting the church if Pastor Ensome is allowed to stay in his position of power.“
It is a risk to stand up against someone who has authority. There is real danger. But this is the way of the cross; to risk harm in order to seek truth and healing for others who are not free.3 As a friend of theirs helpfully shared,
“There is no neutrality with this sort of sin. You either confront the abuse, or you enable and embolden it. Silence only serves the abuser. Sin grows in the dark.”
Comfort
When I asked Kate what Scripture has been helpful as they have sought healing, she mentioned Psalm 18:1-3. She explained, “He truly was, in the early days after Pastor Ensome’s attack, my Rock and Refuge.”
She also added that she felt ministered to by Psalm 34. It helped her to remember to “praise Him everyday and remember His faithfulness and goodness.” Kate said, “Verses 17 and 18 in particular were promises to hold on to. Even though this was a painful experience, there was sweetness to it because the Lord’s Presence became such a comfort.”
Like many of the psalmists, survivors of leadership and domestic abuse can know that the Lord hears prayer and He knows what it means to be cruelly abused and mistreated. He has faced it Himself.
But, unlike others who have survived abuse, the Lord is powerful and able to bring vindication from the deep wells of His love for His people.
Part Three of this series (Michael’s Story) can be found here on September 2.
NOTES:
3 Was it not this very thing Jesus did to bring us freedom; to suffer the loss of His life at the hands of the authorities in order to bring freedom to others.
The names used in this article are fictitious, but the story is not. Pearls and Swine does not publish names, places, or identifiable information as it is our desire to keep victims of abusive leadership safe and to not distract from the lessons that can be learned from their story.
This Article is Part Three of a series telling the stories of two women who were sexually abused, one of their families, and the church leadership that misused their spiritual authority in response.This article includes topics such as sexual assault, domestic violence, physical violence, and spiritual abuse. I acknowledge that this content may be difficult. I also encourage you to care for your safety and well-being.
“As a pastor’s daughter I was always expected to be a bigger person.” Mia is a tough girl. She has been through a whole lot in her life.
A turning point for her was when she was sexually molested by a son of a Deacon in her church at ten years old. Her father was an Associate Pastor and he and her mom noted her change in behavior after that. But knew nothing about the assault. [Mia’s mother and father noted in a video they created that he had assaulted another girl and the church had handled it badly, covering it up and giving him a slap on the wrist.]
There was something “dirty” about that horrible experience, but she saw it as her own rather than the perpetrator’s sin. She just couldn’t bring herself to share it with her parents or others in the church.
So, it stayed hidden for years.
Mia went through two more horrendous experiences of violence—forcefully sexually molested a short time after and then raped by a youth pastor and his friend when she was 14 years old.
Like many who have been sexually assaulted, Mia took it on herself and did not share her story for many years. There were more than the usual reasons for her to remain silent about these horrible sins that were not her fault at all.
Unsafe Church
Mia was raised in an unsafe church environment.
As I listened to her story, I was overwhelmed with sadness, anger, and disappointment as I heard the litany of reasons why Mia has left the church. But, to be clear, she has not left Jesus, just the church. The bride of Christ has horribly added to her suffering and she cannot even enter a church without a raised heart rate and breaking out in a sweat.
At one point in our conversation Mia apologized to me, knowing that I am a leader in the church. But, I could only shake my head and commiserate with her. I know that many have experienced the kind of oppressive behavior Mia has in the church.
Mia’s story is for leaders who want to make church a safe place for sinners who have been sinned against in often the most egregious ways. Church leadership—elders, deacons, Sunday school teachers, etc. —are called by the Lord (like everyone else) to be a solace to the vulnerable among us.
As was written in the blog prior to this, Mia went to the elders in her church believing that this was what a congregant member should do when struggling in her marriage. Though she didn’t know it at the time she went to them, her husband had been having an affair for several years and his paramour was pregnant with his child.
When Mia approached the elders, she shared openly her stories of sexual abuse. She also shared the sinful life she had lived during her teen years following those assaults.
Mia had abused alcohol and drugs and had an abortion when she was 16. She explained that it was about two years before coming to the elders that she had really dealt with her abortion. Mia shared that when she had her first child, she felt shame, believing that she should have been judged by God and should not have been allowed to get pregnant again.
She believes that this attitude came from the Pharisaical teaching of her childhood church.
Mia was still living with this kind of self-loathing despite knowing Jesus’ forgiveness when she came to the elders.
Rather than consider the incredible violations of Mia as an image-bearer when men used her body so wickedly, one of the elders (Sam) wanted her to know she was still dealing with consequences. It did not appear that he had any concern for the forgiveness she was promised in Christ. He couldn’t get beyond her long-ago sin in order to focus on the healing and help she needed in her marriage and from the after-affects of sexual assaults.
Mia explained that Sam said “she was a horrible sinner and needed to deal with this.” She went on, “I had created a godly family with my husband, but Sam had to go back and pound on those times.”
Those times for which Jesus had forgiven her.
As Mia explained, “He was never kind. He never said, ‘We will get through this.'” Mia said, “He is such a prideful man…convinced he is an amazing person.“
As explained in the earlier blog, Mia suffered under a leadership that was more concerned about following their church rules than the love of Christ. Instead of responding to her hurt and trauma, they had to protect their own leader at all costs when she challenged Sam’s shepherding.
They have never held Sam accountable for his failure to shepherd Mia as Christ has called His elders to shepherd.
Oppressed by the Church
What has Mia learned from her church leadership?
She said she had to leave the church to find healing.
At one point, when I asked what had most helped her healing, Mia said, “To be free from the church.”
She explained, “Separating from that church took away their power.” Mia had been raised to respect and honor the authority church leaders have been given by Christ. But, that power had been misused to crush their sheep and their Phariseeism and failure to love and serve God’s people, to which Christ calls His leaders, destroyed Mia’s respect for them.
Mia shook her head, “It is so sad that non-Christian friends are way more understanding. They don’t judge you that you didn’t come to Sunday school two weeks.”
But There are Some
However, Mia has found some healing from those who take Jesus’s calling seriously. She described being dragged to an organization called “Journey to Heal Ministries” when she was still bitter and angry.
When she was introduced in the meeting, she said, “I would not lie about my life anymore.” She expected a response like she had received in her church, but the response was so different.
“They said, ‘We are so happy to have you here.’ I wrote my story and was apologizing like crazy and they told me, ‘IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.’ It was the first time I had heard that from Christians. It was the most healing from my sexual abuse.”
The spiritual abuse continues to gnaw at her soul. But, Mia said, “My dad is very important. He says, ‘It’s okay to be where you are at.‘” She continued, “In the old days, it was discipline until you get to where you need to be. But, now it’s okay to struggle. I am not kept at an arm’s distance from my parents. When leaders lie to you, you have to question.”
Her parents are okay with that now.
Mia has remarried a good man and hopes her story can help others trapped in legalistic and uncaring church environments.
Where Do We Go
I am praying that church leaders who hear Mia’s story will recognize their own tendencies of self-protection and failure to extend grace to those who bear their souls before them. Jesus covers the sins of these hurting lambs and those sins are removed as far as the East is from the West.
And when it comes to those who have been horribly sinned against, like in Mia’s case, look to the Good Shepherd as an example. “A bruised reed he will not break, and a faintly burning wick he will not quench.” [Isaiah 42:3]
First in a three-part series on women who were sexually abused, one of their families, and church leadership that failed to protect and care for them.
Calvin and Charlotte1 raised their daughters with what they considered a strict adherence to Biblical teaching. When their daughters exhibited concerning changes in behavior in their teen years, Calvin and Charlotte didn’t understand why and searched for ways to change their parenting.
They explained, “In our search for answers, we embraced purity culture and the ‘Vision Forum’ patriarchal teaching.” They did not realize how that would add to their daughter, Mia’s burden.
When Mia revealed that she had been sexually molested at a young age by the son of a church deacon, then later by the nephew of her childhood pastor, and raped as a young teen by two men in the another denomination (one being a youth leader), so much of what Calvin and Charlotte had failed to understand became clear.
Mia’s change in behavior at home and struggle with the church had its roots in her experience of sexual assaults.
The Spiritual Abuse Was Worse than the Sexual Abuse
It was not too late for Mia, but the church and her parents needed to respond to her struggles in light of these horrible experiences as a child.
Unfortunately, Mia did not receive the response she so desperately needed from the church. However, Calvin and Charlotte worked through the issues with Mia, coming to learn much not only about sexual abuse, but also spiritual abuse.
Mia’s pain runs deep and she continues to struggle with the church. The way the community responds to the report of abuse from a victim greatly impacts their healing process and the church failed miserably. Calvin and Charlotte are still hoping that the church leaders will learn from this experience and be biblically responsive in the future.
Her Story
When Mia approached the church leadership – elders who were assigned to care for her – the abuses she had received as a child were only piled on higher and deeper. Mia concluded that, “The spiritual abuse [at the hands of the church leaders] was worse than the sexual abuse.”
Mia’s husband of ten years was disengaging from their marriage so she reached out to the elders. She had remained silent about the sexual abuse by men within the church for 17 years but now shared her trauma with the elders. As her parents explained, Mia must have had a significant trust in the elders to share her story with them after hiding it in the dark so long.
It was a very important step for Mia if she was to begin healing from the sexual assault.
Not only did she share her story of abuse but, in that time of vulnerability, she confessed her own sinful responses that grew out of those horrifying experiences. Rather than a time of care and redemption, she experienced more shame from the elders. [More on this in a future blog]
In a letter to their daughter, Calvin and Charlotte said,
“Unfortunately, your experience proved that your elders were not safe. When you told them about the state of your marriage, when you shared the details of your abuse, their response was not to protect and care. Instead, they put the burden of your circumstances back on you.“
One particular elder, when meeting with Mia, was unbelievably harsh with Mia, who had been sexually assaulted by men within the church as a child and had lost her husband and father of her children.
Mia was crying out for help, and the elder “crushed her”.
Mia recounted an exchange she had with this elder in a meeting with two elders of her church. She was humbly describing to them her lack of “Biblical maturity.” She didn’t want them to treat her like a pastor’s daughter. She told them, “I am not here” (using her hand to point up high), “but here,” (then lowering her hand to designate her “lack of maturity”). The elder responded saying, “You’re not even here Mia, you are here,” while pointing to the ground.
Piled higher and deeper.
Qualifications for Elder
In another conversation, the offending elder asked how Mia and her husband were doing following a meeting with the two elders. Mia told him that she had tried talking to her husband and it was no better. At that point she did not know her husband had been having an adulterous affair. The elder responded, “You do talk too much. . . maybe try not talking.”
At every turn the elder turned the responsibility on Mia rather than listening to and supporting her in her pain.
The other elder and church pastor should have taken their shepherding responsibilities seriously. They should have stepped in when they observed and were informed of the offending leader’s harsh and Pharisaical conduct. However, they continued to defend this elder. In addition, an investigative committee from the denomination’s regional organization seemed to suggest begrudgingly that he had failed in his shepherding.
Calvin and Charlotte continue to ask the question why no one was willing to hold the elder accountable for his unkind and hurtful behavior. What did his fellow elders stand to lose?
Form Over Substance
When Mia wrote a letter to the elders sharing her hurt, they did not respond for weeks. After not hearing anything for weeks, Mia, along with another elder brought an additional concern about the offending elder to the church board. When Mia once again received no response, she brought him up on charges to the regional committee with the hope of getting help from the denomination.
Finally responding, the elder board wrote to her saying, “Your filing judicial charges has complicated the matter,” not, “We are so sorry we have failed to support you in your incredible need.”
Rather than share the love of Christ, providing support to receive counseling for her horrible experiences in the church, they began to cross their t’s and dot their i’s. In a letter to Mia they continued to point out that she didn’t follow the church rules in how she brought to their attention the failure of the offending elder’s shepherding.
“It is clear to us that you have misunderstood the nature of personal and non-personal offenses, as well as public and private offenses. First, our Book of Discipline III.4 states, ‘Offenses are either public or private. Public offenses are those which are commonly known.‘”
Elder Board’s letter to Mia
It goes on ad-nauseum. A bunch of gobbledy-gook to distract from the issue at hand and their duties as God’s shepherds.
In addition, Mia said they “threatened to bring charges against” her for writing what she wrote.
Calvin and Charlotte pointed out to me that they have become convinced that the elders are mostly concerned about “their position, role and status.” They are “puffed up,” as Paul warns Timothy when choosing elders (1 Timothy 3:6).2 As I read their letter and listened to descriptions of meetings with the elders, they seem to be pounding their chests, defending, and justifying their actions rather than humbly seeking to shepherd the flock.
And in their wake they are leaving deeply hurt people of whom the Lord Jesus Christ gave them opportunity to serve.
Again, in their letter to their daughter, Calvin and Charlotte said, “Men, shepherds, leaders in Christ’s body went to great lengths to make sure what truly happened was hidden and, in the process, they attacked you.” They went on to say, “[The elders] would not deal with heart issues and hid behind process.”
Where Do They Go from Here?
When the church “courts” fail to bring justice and mercy and faithfulness in the relationships they are called to provide for, protect, and love, where do you turn?
In the case of these elders, they have done nothing illegal to report to the civil authorities. However, they have clearly failed on many accounts to shepherd the flock of God and should be held accountable. Where can Mia, Calvin, and Charlotte turn to bring that accountability?
Waiting for the Lord to bring vindication certainly is a biblical option (Psalm 135:14). However, doing nothing means the elders will be allowed to continue to mistreat God’s people and diminish the church’s Gospel witness to the community. God continually calls His people to step into the melee and seek justice for the vulnerable [Isaiah 1:16, Proverbs 1:2-3].
In their case, the family has chosen to use social media. When the failures of an elder have destroyed many relationships and the complicity of his fellow leaders are compounding the problems, it is important to bring help to others who are suffering under their leadership. In order to warn others, it may mean bringing in the various types of media.
Again, speaking about leadership in the church, Paul tells his young charge, Timothy,
“Do not admit a charge against an elder except on the evidence of two or three witnesses. As for those who persist in sin, rebuke them in the presence of all, so that the rest may stand in fear.”
1 Timothy 5:19-20 (ESV)
There is a standard for “charging” an elder. When there has been a significant number of broken relationships (“two or three witnesses”) caused by the elder in question, it is time to bring it to the church – to make it public.
How far abroad is it publicized, Paul does not state. He did not have social media in that time.
But, his letters to various churches were read widely even as they are today in our social media. In more than one place Paul brings to our attention the wickedness of specifically named early church leaders (2 Timothy 4:10, 14). Those men’s names, which appear in Scripture, have gone down in history, having been an example of foolishness and evil to the church for centuries. Those words have been read by millions, if not billions of people.
The “engagements” his words have had far outnumber the most viral post of today’s social media.
Horribly offended members of the church may choose to make known the offenses of a leader in social media, emails, news outlets, or other public places after finding no help from other church leaders. It is my recommendation that, as an advocate, you take a deep breath and walk alongside the abused member to bring accountability to the leader. You may be uncomfortable with broadcasting it far and wide, but the healing of the victims and the accountability of the leader are more important.
The primary goal is love and love demands that an erring leader is brought accountabilitybecause scripturally, a leader is held to a higher standard than congregant members (1 Peter 5, James 3:1). It is likely that this is why Scripture holds them to a higher standard. . . from his place of authority and opportunities to teach, the damage he can do goes well beyond the scope of the errors of those under his charge.
Rather than judge the traumatized, seek justice for the oppressed.
Leaning Into Their Story
Let Calvin, Charlotte, and Mia’s story help us learn how to respond to the deep, deep hurt of those who have faced abuse. Recently, I have had numerous conversations with others who do not know how to engage with someone who has been abused.
So often the trauma from abuse has created incredible physical effects and those who have been abused will often seem crazy as they repeat themselves, mix up facts, and struggle to make sense of their experiences. It isn’t crazy; it is the physical response of the body to protect itself from further harm.
Second, leaders in the church need to learn humility, open their ears. . . and close their mouths. Had Calvin, Charlotte, and Mia’s church leaders considered Jesus’s condemning words to the Pharisees, they may have taken a breath and asked how they could help Mia instead of pulling out their church policy manual (Matthew 23 – nearly the whole chapter).
And finally, church leaders need to realize that they are held to a higher standard of behavior and when they fail over and over and show clear signs of abusive leadership, they should expect their story to go far and wide. . . as well it should.
NOTES:
1 Calvin, Charlotte, and Mia are NOT their real names. Though they were unconcerned having their names published, it is P&S’s desire that there be no distraction from their story. The church denominations that failed them have also been kept anonymous for the same reason. Their story could be told in every denomination, and indeed I have heard these stories in numerous denominations. Lest readers think this could only happen in that denomination, P&S wants them to know it IS happening in their denomination.
2 1 Timothy 3:2-3 says an elder should be of “good behavior, hospitable, able to teach; not given to wine, not violent, not greedy for money, but gentle, not quarrelsome due to the power he possesses.” Several of the items listed by the Apostle Paul are pointed at how the leader is to relate to others. Hospitable, gentle, not quarrelsome, not authoritarian. If a man has significant difficulties with these, he is not qualified to lead in the church.
Generally, positive stories about how the church responds to abuse are far and few between. It may be because bad news travels much faster than good. But, I would guess that there just are not as many good responses as there are bad.
Janice was married to an abusive pastor. They attended seminary together and the wives of the future pastors were told that they should never tell others bad things about their pastor husbands. It can create trust and respect issues among the congregant members.
Marriage books and conferences speak often to this topic. Wives (and husbands) are normally encouraged to keep bad things to themselves. It is one of the ways you love your spouse these books and speakers say.
All Bets are Off
The problem comes when that spouse is abusive or a philanderer. Then, those bets are off. It took several years and a period of counseling for Janice to realize she needed to share her story with friends.
She had begun questioning if her faith was a sham. As her husband preached on Sunday morning, she would “mostly tune him out.” When he served communion, she would come up “with an excuse to leave.” Was God really there? Everyone loved her husband. He was a great preacher. But it didn’t seem to her to jibe with the loving God she knew.
One elder noted “his duplicit[ous] and deceitful behavior between what he preached from the pulpit and his personal and family behavior.”
When she threatened to talk to the elders, Janice had been told over and over by her abusive husband, “You think those men will believe you…do you think they care?” She had become accustomed to be called a “worthless piece of shit.” It became difficult to really know what God thought of her after her husband’s years of lies about her.
When a target of abuse finally admits to the brokenness of her home to a church’s leadership, often it goes south at this point in their story. The leaders often do not want to see the abuse and will seek to protect their well-loved pastor. They fear scandal and a loss of giving to the church or organization.
Often, the fellow leaders become complicit in the abuse.
The Church at its Best
However, Janice experienced the church at its best. The elders began doing all they could to help her and sought to help her pastor husband with his alcoholism and abuse. After these shepherding attempts did not bear fruit, the full elders’ council was brought together to hear the story.
When you get a whole leadership team together, normally there will be naysayers who will take the side of the abuser, despite the instruction of Deuteronomy 22 –
If in the open country a man meets a young woman who is betrothed, and the man seizes her and lies with her, then only the man who lay with her shall die. But you shall do nothing to the young woman; she has committed no offense punishable by death. For this case is like that of a man attacking and murdering his neighbor…
Deuteronomy 22:25-26
You BELIEVE the woman. There were no witnesses to the abuse in this passage, and the LORD tells Israel in essence, “Believe the woman and hold the man accountable.” Even when a woman has evidence of unfaithfulness or abusive behavior, many people will question the veracity of her claims.
Doing Good
However, these elders wrapped their arms around Janice, believed her story, and sought to serve her needs while ministering to her abusive, pastor husband.
One elder said, “We told him if he did not accept our offer of treatment…that we would ask for his resignation.” In the end, the pastor failed to fulfill the requirements and was asked to resign.
“His sermons were filled with the need to hold onto God’s grace as the believer seeks restoration, forgiveness through restoration. Yet his pronouncements from the pulpit were contrary to his abusive behavior towards his spouse.”
Janice’s elder
As Janice’s elders, they took their shepherding responsibilities seriously, doing everything in their power to help her and seek accountability for their pastor:
They believed her. Janice said incredulously, “They believed me. They didn’t throw me out into the street with my kids.”
They listened to her concerns that if they told the congregation, she would be in danger emotionally, physically, and financially. So, to this day they have kept her secret for her safety though they have every right to report it to the church.
They provided rent for Janice and her children for several months.
They provided money for counseling for her and her children.
They provided a leave of absence for the pastor and encouraged him to get counseling.
When he refused their loving help, they held him accountable and required his resignation.
Read the Manual
Janice’s church leadership read the manual on caring for the abused!
Later, Janice moved to a community a distance away and her new church also took her family in and provided for Janice and her children’s counseling.
Two churches who understood abuse, helping the hurting, and holding the abuser accountable…despite her husband being a well-known and respected preacher. What a story!
These stories are few but they help us know from the survivor’s perspective what is most helpful rather than just what not to do. Our churches need to take heed:
Make it clear that the leaders are safe with whom to share these kinds of brokenness…and make sure they truly are safe. One friend of Janice’s brought charges of her husband’s (an elder in another church) infidelity and abuse to the church leadership and they excommunicated her for slander. Unfortunately, this is not uncommon.
Help the victim escape the violence whether emotional, physical, spiritual, or financial.
Seek ways to provide confidential counseling or support groups for targets of abuse.
God is Good
When asked what provided the most healing for her, Janice suggested the following:
She hung out in the Psalms. The psalmists speak deeply to the oppressed.
She focused on reading verses that promise that God sees and will take care of the downtrodden.
She said, “I am clinging to the verses about beauty from ashes.”
She remembers what Satan (and her ex) meant for evil, God can use for good.
She recommends Scott Sauls’ book, “A Gentle Answer.” Janice said, “When I wanted to respond with the intention of hurting him, there was so much in that book that spoke to my heart…that changed my heart. My daughters read it too and it greatly helped them.”
Janice fed on God’s deep and abiding love for her as His chosen child. She remembered that she is a daughter of the King!
She sought out the truth that God speaks, and ignored her abuser’s lies.
Janice also mentioned, “When I was in sin or in a horrible pattern, these two [elders] and their wives, and my Counselor held me accountable.”
Janice noted that she and her children (some still in the house and some grown) have many sweet times together now. When before they tended to do their own thing and hang out by themselves in their own rooms, they now get together and share their stories and what they are learning from their counseling sessions.
When Janice and I finished our conversation I asked her if she had anything more to say. She said, “I finally feel like I’m at a point now where sharing isn’t a form of revenge.”
She has come a long way in forgiving her ex-husband, though he remains unrepentant and has never asked for it. That forgiveness took much time and effort, but it has brought much peace to her life.
Janice hopes that her story can help someone. She explained, “Maybe I could be a listening ear…encourager.”
Mary and John joined a mission work. They were excited about their ministry in which they would work shoulder to shoulder.
But, now on a mission field far from home, they were under the director’s seeming complete control. Their work visa, their house, their children in the mission school. Everything was controlled in some way by the mission agency.
And the director abused his authority and created daily drama in their lives. He lied. He manipulated. And he isolated them.
There a number of ways those, who are abused in the home or workplace, are isolated by their abusers. Isolation provides secrecy and a means for the abuser to remain unaccountable for his sin. So, abusers may isolate his victim –
Spiritually — The abuser may use scripture to control and manipulate, twisting it to suit his own needs.He seeks to isolate you from the Lord by suggesting God is on his side and not yours.
Relationally / Emotionally — The abuser may continually remind the victim about her lack of support from others. “Everyone else thinks you are wrong,” he may say though it is just a lie.He wants you to think you must stick with him because no one else has your back.
Physically — The victim may be held in a prison of the home and kept from engaging with other people. Or, the victim may be far from home on the mission field and have few options to reach out or get home to those who can help.An abuser knows this and takes advantage of it.
Financially — The abuser may hold the purse strings, keeping financial accounts secret or only allowing an allowance.If you have no financial independence or choices, you are dependent on him.
Each of these isolation techniques can be overwhelming.
But, Jesus knows our isolation.
When Jesus was on the cross, He “cried out with a loud voice, saying, ‘Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?’ that is, ‘My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?‘”
This cry of despair came just before He died.
Jesus’ agonizing cry of isolation came when He probably felt completely alone in His incredible sufferings. Both Mark and Matthew make the point leading up to this exclamation that all who sat down by His cross, or were passing by, were ridiculing Him. They were making fun of Him.
Not only was Jesus suffering great physical pain with nails in his hands and feet, but incredible isolation from fellow humans. Again, both Mark and Matthew record that even His supporters—women who had followed him through thick and thin—sat a distance off from Him.
I can’t help but think that Mark and Matthew wanted to make a point by the use of their terms that show Jesus’ isolation. Likely, the women knew there was danger in being too closely alligned with this condemned man.
Isolation.
Complete isolation.
Isolation from God
Add to his relational isolation from people the isolation when it seems God is far off. “Why have you forsaken me?” Jesus cried out to His Father.
Jesus was quoting from His ancestor, King David when the king was also in despair.
My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning? O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer, and by night, but I find no rest.
Psalm 22:1-2 (ESV)
Jesus, like David, felt the isolation that is complete when even God (Emmanuel—God with us) does not seem to be with us. God, the One Who can truly save. The One powerful enough and loving enough to save does not save.
That is truly isolation.
It is bad enough when men (and women) all around us do not believe our story of abuse in the home or workplace. When they pull back because of discomfort in hearing our story or the church excommunicates you because you seek freedom from your oppressor.
But, when you feel that not even God is answering your cries for help? That is isolation.
Standing by
As God’s people we need to stand by those who have suffered the violence of emotional, spiritual, sexual, economic, or physical abuse. We need to be the hands and feet of Jesus as He calls us to always stand by these who are being crushed.
That may mean we stand in the gap formally or informally.
We may be called by the LORD to be an intermediary (advocate) between a church’s leadership and a victim. Or just be present in court appearances with a victim. Or present a structured separation to the abuser. Or stand up to their boss or board of directors on their behalf.
Each of these should be done wisely and at the direction of the victim. Their safety – in the home or in the workplace – must be the goal of our taking a stand.
Even so, as God’s people stand in the gap, the isolation can be intense and deeply felt. As those on the outside, be cognizant of the victim’s pain, and patiently bear with the abused as they heal. It can be a long and difficult process to once again really experience and know God’s constant presence.
There is more to the story . . .
As we have walked alongside those under abusive leadership in the home or workplace, we have seen the joy that comes in the morning. The isolation, sometimes seemingly unending, does come to an end.
Because, God is never gone.
For those He calls His own, He never rejects or leaves. He will never leave nor forsake you, child of the one true King. This is one of the greatest of trues from the Word. God with us!
David goes on in his psalm to say,
In you our fathers trusted; they trusted, and you delivered them. To you they cried and were rescued; in you they trusted and were not put to shame.
Psalm 22:4-5 (ESV)
David knows from experience that God does and will rescue in time. All Israel had known the presence and liberation of the LORD from their slavery to abusers in Egypt.
“Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning,” David says in Psalm 30.
Joy will come in the morning. The heartache and isolation felt now will be relieved. Other people, including your parents or children, may not believe you. But, your God, in Whom you trust, is there with you and will remain with you no matter how you feel.
And He brings deliverance whether in life or in death.
You are not and will never be alone, child of the King.
I wrote a blog a couple years ago that described my frustration at seeing the online praise and honor given to a toxic leader of a Christian organization. He had died and he was praised on social media by several who knew his toxic leadership.
I was frustrated by the lack of vindication. I had suffered under his ungodly leadership and I felt isolated. Quite frankly, I would have prefered having those same people explaining his toxic leadership on social media.
My friends contacted me soon after that blog to apologize for their honoring of this toxic leader.
In addition, In just a short time, I have witnessed (not on the spot, mind you) the burning down of one church, the flooding of another, and death of another tormentor (ministry leader). The two churches were those who had horribly mistreated sexual abuse victims and supported their perpetrators.
Ah, vindication.
Today I was reading in Psalm 54 and got another take on this by the Holy Spirit impressing upon me God’s vindication. I was deeply challenged for the attitudes I have had.
Psalm 54 says “strangers have risen up against me.” But David, the composer, says,
Behold, God is my helper; the Lord is the upholder of my life. He will return the evil to my enemies; in your faithfulness put an end to them.
Psalm 54:4-5 (ESV)
I was struck by David’s confidence that the Lord would “return the evil” to his enemies.
A question came to mind: Will that “evil” God returns to my enemies be in this life (through trials and tribulations), the end of their life, or simply in the final judgment? He says, in faithfulness, he will “put an end to them.”
I wondered if the end of those who attack God’s people is consistently a horrible end? Maybe they will suffer financial disaster. Or flooding and fire. Or broken relationships with those close to them. Or some particularly difficult death?
Asaph certainly didn’t think so:
For I was envious of the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked. For they have no pangs until death; their bodies are fat and sleek. They are not in trouble as others are; they are not stricken like the rest of mankind.
Psalm 73:3-5 (ESV)
Whether or not God judges these people, who are set against God’s children, by bringing visible hurt upon them in this life or not, there will be vindication for His people according to David in Psalm 54.
I felt badly that others had praised my tormentor (ministry leader) but David, in Psalm 54, showed me that my vindication comes by God’s hand. I need not see it through man’s judgment. And certainly not on social media! I can rest in forgiveness knowing that God will either bring my oppressor around to repentance or bring him to the grave to face eternal fire or a cleansing of glory (if a true believer).
I will be vindicated…but it will be by the Lord.
David’s words are freeing. They set free my captive heart to see the vindication I so desire. I can lay my head down knowing that it matters not in what form that vindication comes. My God, the Creator of the Universe, is on my side because I am His child.
And He will bring His justice to pass…either by convincing the abuser of his wickedness or bringing him well-earned justice.
Recently Susan, a woman who has had a very difficult life including both childhood abuse and church leadership abuse, passed along a recent post. She has given me permission to repost her blog:
Last week a therapist friend of mine wrote a post about suicide and our lack of comfort or knowledge in responding to someone who has suicidal thoughts. He said,
“We need to talk about it when we are feeling hopeless and in despair. But if we reach out, those we reach out to do not know how to respond. We need a life class on how to talk about hopelessness.”
The spring of 2017 was one of the hardest periods in my adult life. The level of stress was unbearable and I rarely had 15 minutes to myself to process. Every possible stressor hit the fan within a few weeks of each other.
In the middle of it all I witnessed a fatal wreck and was first on the scene, talking with and praying with the victims while seeing brain matter splattered down their fronts. It would be too long to go into all that was weighing on me, but I was drowning. I lost hope. I was losing my belief that God was at work.
So when our church had its occasional “member’s meeting,” with the opportunity to share, I shared. I stood up in front of the congregation and, through sobs and tears, told them that I had lost hope that life would get any better. I needed them, my church family, to remind me that God was doing something beautiful in my life because I couldn’t see it. I told them, I TOLD THEM, that I understood how people saw no solution but to end it all because the pain was just too much.
Somebody very kindly prayed for me and that was it.
After the meeting both pastors came by and, in passing, said, “Hey, Susan, thanks for sharing,” and walked off. A couple of other people said the same thing.
Nobody engaged me.
Nobody asked questions.
Nobody got closer.
I got an email the next day from a woman in the church with a “biblical counseling” degree, saying she appreciated my sharing and would be praying for me. No questions. No engagement.
But I engaged. I wrote her back a long, long email detailing the wave after wave of stress and trauma from just those few short months. I waited so eagerly to hear her response. I wanted connection so badly. For someone to see my pain.
I finally got a reply, a week later. She said she took a week to pray on how to respond. And while her response was kind, it in no way sought to engage me. And the week delay was absolutely crushing. She obviously has never experienced the horrible pain of silence.
A few days later I got an email from a man in the church. This was a super spiritual dude who had been a missionary and was about to become our church’s only elder. His email said that he had been awake with an earache and God brought me to mind and he prayed for me. Ever one to spill my guts to whoever will listen and hopeful that this seemingly sensitive man might respond, I shared the same story, full of gory details, in hope that he would understand and come alongside me.
He never responded.
Ever.
A couple of weeks later the church prayed for me during the service with one of the pastors saying that I was going through a “season of depression.” The only person who asked me about that was a friend who was visiting the church that day.
All this to say, while I have been through so much with this particular church and have major concerns about the abuse of authority within the church, the most painful thing to me was not the abuse, it was the neglect. The neglect showcased two problems:
People in general, and Christians in particular, are not equipped to deal with despair.
I have a friend who, when she was a teenager, told her youth pastor that she was contemplating suicide. He changed the subject. Pastors are trained to answer all the theological questions but are not trained to enter into one another’s suffering. And because of this, they actually contribute to the suffering.
Suffering people, people with weaknesses, are seen as extraneous to the work of the church.
I got the message loud and clear that I didn’t matter. All that mattered was “reaching the lost.” Once you are saved, who cares what kind of hell you are going through. That only takes time and energy and focus away from the real work of the church.
One of those pastors articulated this to me, saying some believe that people with struggles are actually a danger to the mission of the church. The “weak” are actually the “wolves.”
To be honest, one of the things that has kept me tethered to God through this has been reading Ezekiel 34. The fact that God sees the damage such shepherds do to the flock gives me hope.
