Tag Archives: Trauma

Isolation: You Are Not Alone

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Mary and John joined a mission work. They were excited about their ministry in which they would work shoulder to shoulder.

But, now on a mission field far from home, they were under the director’s seeming complete control. Their work visa, their house, their children in the mission school. Everything was controlled in some way by the mission agency.

And the director abused his authority and created daily drama in their lives. He lied. He manipulated. And he isolated them.

There a number of ways those, who are abused in the home or workplace, are isolated by their abusers. Isolation provides secrecy and a means for the abuser to remain unaccountable for his sin. So, abusers may isolate his victim –

  • Spiritually — The abuser may use scripture to control and manipulate, twisting it to suit his own needs. He seeks to isolate you from the Lord by suggesting God is on his side and not yours.
  • Relationally / Emotionally — The abuser may continually remind the victim about her lack of support from others. “Everyone else thinks you are wrong,” he may say though it is just a lie. He wants you to think you must stick with him because no one else has your back.
  • Physically — The victim may be held in a prison of the home and kept from engaging with other people. Or, the victim may be far from home on the mission field and have few options to reach out or get home to those who can help. An abuser knows this and takes advantage of it.
  • Financially — The abuser may hold the purse strings, keeping financial accounts secret or only allowing an allowance. If you have no financial independence or choices, you are dependent on him.

Each of these isolation techniques can be overwhelming.

But, Jesus knows our isolation.

When Jesus was on the cross, He “cried out with a loud voice, saying, ‘Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?’ that is, ‘My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?‘”

This cry of despair came just before He died.

Jesus’ agonizing cry of isolation came when He probably felt completely alone in His incredible sufferings. Both Mark and Matthew make the point leading up to this exclamation that all who sat down by His cross, or were passing by, were ridiculing Him. They were making fun of Him.

Not only was Jesus suffering great physical pain with nails in his hands and feet, but incredible isolation from fellow humans. Again, both Mark and Matthew record that even His supporters—women who had followed him through thick and thin—sat a distance off from Him.

I can’t help but think that Mark and Matthew wanted to make a point by the use of their terms that show Jesus’ isolation. Likely, the women knew there was danger in being too closely alligned with this condemned man.

Isolation.

Complete isolation.

Isolation from God

Add to his relational isolation from people the isolation when it seems God is far off. “Why have you forsaken me?” Jesus cried out to His Father.

Jesus was quoting from His ancestor, King David when the king was also in despair.

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning?
O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer,
and by night, but I find no rest.

Psalm 22:1-2 (ESV)

Jesus, like David, felt the isolation that is complete when even God (Emmanuel—God with us) does not seem to be with us. God, the One Who can truly save. The One powerful enough and loving enough to save does not save.

That is truly isolation.

It is bad enough when men (and women) all around us do not believe our story of abuse in the home or workplace. When they pull back because of discomfort in hearing our story or the church excommunicates you because you seek freedom from your oppressor.

But, when you feel that not even God is answering your cries for help? That is isolation.

Standing by

As God’s people we need to stand by those who have suffered the violence of emotional, spiritual, sexual, economic, or physical abuse. We need to be the hands and feet of Jesus as He calls us to always stand by these who are being crushed.

That may mean we stand in the gap formally or informally.

We may be called by the LORD to be an intermediary (advocate) between a church’s leadership and a victim. Or just be present in court appearances with a victim. Or present a structured separation to the abuser. Or stand up to their boss or board of directors on their behalf.

Each of these should be done wisely and at the direction of the victim. Their safety – in the home or in the workplace – must be the goal of our taking a stand.

Even so, as God’s people stand in the gap, the isolation can be intense and deeply felt. As those on the outside, be cognizant of the victim’s pain, and patiently bear with the abused as they heal. It can be a long and difficult process to once again really experience and know God’s constant presence.

There is more to the story . . .

As we have walked alongside those under abusive leadership in the home or workplace, we have seen the joy that comes in the morning. The isolation, sometimes seemingly unending, does come to an end.

Because, God is never gone.

For those He calls His own, He never rejects or leaves. He will never leave nor forsake you, child of the one true King. This is one of the greatest of trues from the Word. God with us!

David goes on in his psalm to say,

In you our fathers trusted;
they trusted, and you delivered them.
To you they cried and were rescued;
in you they trusted and were not put to shame.

Psalm 22:4-5 (ESV)

David knows from experience that God does and will rescue in time. All Israel had known the presence and liberation of the LORD from their slavery to abusers in Egypt.

“Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning,” David says in Psalm 30.

Joy will come in the morning. The heartache and isolation felt now will be relieved. Other people, including your parents or children, may not believe you. But, your God, in Whom you trust, is there with you and will remain with you no matter how you feel.

And He brings deliverance whether in life or in death.

You are not and will never be alone, child of the King.

Trauma by Swine #3: Looking for Healing

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https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/kelly-dehnert/episodes/Trauma-by-Swine-3-Looking-for-Healing-e25m536

Note: This blog is the third in a series seeking ways for people, who have been traumatized by toxic leaders, to find healing in Christ’s love through the church.

The fear that many experience as they come face-to-face with an abusive leader can create different reactions. Psychologists often talk of “fight, flight, or freeze” reflexes. God has given us a built-in mechanism in our brain that helps us respond to dangerous situations – physical or emotional.

An understanding of what is happening in the brain when faced with trauma is opening fascinating avenues of healing.

For over 100 years, scientists have been studying the effects trauma has on the brain. PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) was diagnosed and named during wartimes in the past century. [Being that this is not a science blog, I won’t go into detail explaining the affects trauma has on the brain. Instead, you can read a wonderful text by Bessel van der Kolk, quoted in the last blog on this topic (and multiple times below).]

Coping

The brokenness of this world, due to the sin of our first parents and our subsequent sin, has provided an open invitation to scientists with a passion for understanding the human condition to research trauma. Kolk has years and clinical study after clinical study under his belt which provide insight into how trauma victims have been damaged and survived.

The brain must take extraordinary measures to keep on an even keel when facing the barrage of abuse. He explains in his book, “The Body Keeps the Score” that he marvels at the resiliency of trauma survivors “and every one of their stories inspires awe at how people cope.”[1]

But, those measures often include difficult, relational consequences. Kolk says:

“Having been exposed to family violence as a child often makes it difficult to establish stable, trusting relationships as an adult.”[2]

One victim of abuse, with whom I spoke, found it difficult to work in ministry with someone who, though not considered very difficult by others, was unbearable for her. She described the “flashbacks” she would have when the co-worker showed the slightest amount of controlling behavior.

Kolk goes on to say,

“While we all want to move beyond trauma, the part of our brain that is devoted to ensuring our survival is not very good at denial. Long after a traumatic experience is over, it may be reactivated at the slightest hint of danger and mobilize disturbed brain circuits and secrete massive amounts of stress hormones.”[3]

Often, we believe we can simply “think through” the issue and overcome the irrational emotions with which we struggle. He notes, a brain subjected to trauma, will continue to react to “triggers” no matter how much thinking about it one does.

When the alarm bell of the emotional brain keeps signaling that you are in danger, no amount of insight will silence it. I am reminded of the comedy in which a seven-time recidivist in an anger-management program extols the virtue of the techniques he’s learned: “They are great and work terrific — as long as you are not really angry.”[4]

As we engage those who have faced trauma we need to keep this in mind. Suggesting their feelings do not make sense or worse, are “stupid,” does nothing to help trauma survivors. As noted in the first blog, having a safe place to talk about their experience is an important first step in healing. And demeaning their “emotional” responses is not helpful to their healing process.

Diagnosing Ourselves

It is helpful for those who have suffered significant abuse by leaders to consider how they are responding to relationships with others as well as with their own bodies. Knowing that trauma can both affect relationships with people and the victim’s physical health can help drive them to seek professional help.

Those who have been traumatized may seem always “stuck in the past” …experiencing flashbacks or unwanted emotional reactions to small things. However, it also affects the present, as Kolk notes:

“Being traumatized is not just an issue of being stuck in the past; it is just as much a problem of not being fully alive in the present.”[5]

Those who continue battling the feelings they feel, yet see little change in their reactions to situations others have no difficulty with, often are “traumatized by subsequent experiences.” They often repeat relationships with other abusers.[6] Maybe the belief that psychology is “unspiritual” or embarrassing keeps targets from seeking help of the sort Kolk would recommend.

However, the effects of trauma can be long-term and continue to plague the victim, deeply affecting relationships with those whom they love and even their physical health.

Seemingly unrelated medical issues can actually be results of the reactions the brain is having to the trauma.

There are many therapies that have proven effective in reorienting the working of the brain that men and women, gifted by God in their study in neuroscience, have discovered. Though there is so much more to be learned, God is working through His creation to bring healing to victims of abusive leaders sorely needed in His church.

NOTES:

[1] Bessel van der Kolk MD, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma, 1st ed. (New York: Penguin Books, 2014), Kindle Locations 5245-5246.

[2] Ibid., Kindle Locations 227-228.

[3] Ibid., Kindle Locations 231-233.

[4] Ibid., Kindle Locations 1297-1302.

[5] Ibid., Kindle Locations 4174-4175.

[6] Ibid., Kindle Locations 2286-2287.

Trauma by Swine: Steven’s Story

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Note: This blog is the first in a series exploring ways those who have been traumatized by toxic leaders can find healing in Christ’s love through the church. This post was originally published in 2017.

When Steven[1] joined a large Christian parachurch organization he was excited to be in an influential position to spread God’s Word. The organization needed the gifts God had given him as a visionary, network-building leader. He had successfully led other organizations and was not looking for another job when approached.

But, the enticement of using his God-given gifts to rebuild a ministry overcame the attractive comforts of staying in his current position.

He was warned that the organization was “dysfunctional” and it only took a short time for the dysfunction to catch up to him. The chairman of the board of directors was exceedingly controlling and did not seem to appreciate the new leader’s successes. Steven was fired unceremoniously after little or no discussion as to why a few short months after being “headhunted” by the organization.

Steven said he went through all the stages of grief and was “talking about the story more than [he] wanted to.” Diana Langberg, a Christian psychiatrist who has worked extensively with those who have experienced trauma says this is very common. She says,

“When people have been traumatized, they repeat things over and over, trying to grasp what cannot be understood and trying to carry what is unbearable.”[2]

According to Langberg, it is an important part of the healing process for many to continually speak of the pain. The processing involved in repeating the story in many different ways provides clarity over time as the traumatized extract themselves from the emotional abuse they have suffered.

As we conversed about his experience, Steven said, “I realized in a sense I had to talk about it. I had to tell the story in order to gain mastery over it. Otherwise it was inside of me and it didn’t make sense.” This is true of many employees of Christian organizations with whom I have spoken. Mark, a faculty member of a Christian college under abusive leadership, said he and his wife found much healing by meeting with a church group that listened to them “without judging.”

However, it is often difficult for others to hear the same stories “over and over again.” This seemed true for our own friends who struggled to hear our stories when we returned from the mission field. Sometimes their eyes glazed over or they made judgmental comments. Suggestions were made intending to move us beyond our apparent rut of anger, disappointment, and shame.

One woman, traumatized by emotional abuse in her home, said much the same thing. She believes people just don’t want to hear the stories and she doesn’t want to bore them.

Weep With Those Who Weep

The Apostle Paul, on the other hand, calls the church to “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.”[3]

Do we have the patience to weep with our brothers as they pour out their pain to us over and over again? Maybe if we recognize this as part of God’s means for healing His children, we will take the long view and allow ourselves to be inconvenienced.

God has created our brains in such a way that we can “empathize” with others. As explained by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, a specialist in diagnosis and treatment of trauma, there are “mirror” neurons in the frontal lobe that make it possible to “pick up not only another person’s movement but her emotional state and intentions as well. When people are in sync with each other, they tend to stand or sit similar ways, and their voices take on the same rhythms.”[4]

Kolk goes on to say trauma itself usually involves “not being seen, not being mirrored, and not being taken into account.”[5] Trauma is brought on by others who do not care for the person they are hurting. They have no concern for the feelings of others.

As abusers or possibly Narcissists, they are really only concerned about their own comforts and power. Many abusive individuals will strongly maintain they “love” the one they abuse, but their controlling and demeaning behavior is not Jesus’ kind of love.

Mirroring

For healing to take place, the traumatized person must regain the ability to safely “mirror” (empathize with) others and be mirrored by others, according to Kolk.[6] They must salvage their ability to trust others in relationships both in sharing their own hurts and hearing the distresses of others.

How do the traumatized begin to trust again? Having been so deeply wounded by another human being, how does a person, who joined a Christian organization thinking they would minister “together” with a brother in Christ, regain the capacity to trust others?

NOTES:

[1] Not his real name. All the names in this blog have been changed to protect their identities.

[2] Diane Langberg, Suffering and the Heart of God: How Trauma Destroys and Christ Restores, (Greensboro, NC: New Growth Press, 2015), 79.

[3] Romans 12:15.

[4] Bessel van der Kolk MD, The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma, (New York: Penguin Books, 2014), locations 1200–1202.

[5] Ibid., 1204.

[6] Ibid., 1203.