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Tyrants Leading the Church: Seekers of Position, Role & Status

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First in a three-part series on women who were sexually abused, one of their families, and church leadership that failed to protect and care for them.

Calvin and Charlotte1 raised their daughters with what they considered a strict adherence to Biblical teaching. When their daughters exhibited concerning changes in behavior in their teen years, Calvin and Charlotte didn’t understand why and searched for ways to change their parenting.

They explained, “In our search for answers, we embraced purity culture and the ‘Vision Forum’ patriarchal teaching.” They did not realize how that would add to their daughter, Mia’s burden.

When Mia revealed that she had been sexually molested at a young age by the son of a church deacon, then later by the nephew of her childhood pastor, and raped as a young teen by two men in the another denomination (one being a youth leader), so much of what Calvin and Charlotte had failed to understand became clear.

Mia’s change in behavior at home and struggle with the church had its roots in her experience of sexual assaults.

The Spiritual Abuse Was Worse than the Sexual Abuse

It was not too late for Mia, but the church and her parents needed to respond to her struggles in light of these horrible experiences as a child. 

Unfortunately, Mia did not receive the response she so desperately needed from the church. However, Calvin and Charlotte worked through the issues with Mia, coming to learn much not only about sexual abuse, but also spiritual abuse. 

Mia’s pain runs deep and she continues to struggle with the church. The way the community responds to the report of abuse from a victim greatly impacts their healing process and the church failed miserably. Calvin and Charlotte are still hoping that the church leaders will learn from this experience and be biblically responsive in the future.

Her Story

When Mia approached the church leadership – elders who were assigned to care for her – the abuses she had received as a child were only piled on higher and deeper. Mia concluded that, “The spiritual abuse [at the hands of the church leaders] was worse than the sexual abuse.”

Mia’s husband of ten years was disengaging from their marriage so she reached out to the elders. She had remained silent about the sexual abuse by men within the church for 17 years but now shared her trauma with the elders. As her parents explained, Mia must have had a significant trust in the elders to share her story with them after hiding it in the dark so long.

It was a very important step for Mia if she was to begin healing from the sexual assault.

Not only did she share her story of abuse but, in that time of vulnerability, she confessed her own sinful responses that grew out of those horrifying experiences. Rather than a time of care and redemption, she experienced more shame from the elders. [More on this in a future blog]

In a letter to their daughter, Calvin and Charlotte said, 

“Unfortunately, your experience proved that your elders were not safe. When you told them about the state of your marriage, when you shared the details of your abuse, their response was not to protect and care. Instead, they put the burden of your circumstances back on you.“

One particular elder, when meeting with Mia, was unbelievably harsh with Mia, who had been sexually assaulted by men within the church as a child and had lost her husband and father of her children.

Mia was crying out for help, and the elder “crushed her”.

Mia recounted an exchange she had with this elder in a meeting with two elders of her church. She was humbly describing to them her lack of “Biblical maturity.” She didn’t want them to treat her like a pastor’s daughter. She told them, “I am not here” (using her hand to point up high), “but here,” (then lowering her hand to designate her “lack of maturity”). The elder responded saying, “You’re not even here Mia, you are here,” while pointing to the ground.

Piled higher and deeper.

Qualifications for Elder

In another conversation, the offending elder asked how Mia and her husband were doing following a meeting with the two elders. Mia told him that she had tried talking to her husband and it was no better. At that point she did not know her husband had been having an adulterous affair. The elder responded, “You do talk too much. . . maybe try not talking.”

At every turn the elder turned the responsibility on Mia rather than listening to and supporting her in her pain.

The other elder and church pastor should have taken their shepherding responsibilities seriously. They should have stepped in when they observed and were informed of the offending leader’s harsh and Pharisaical conduct. However, they continued to defend this elder. In addition, an investigative committee from the denomination’s regional organization seemed to suggest begrudgingly that he had failed in his shepherding.

Calvin and Charlotte continue to ask the question why no one was willing to hold the elder accountable for his unkind and hurtful behavior. What did his fellow elders stand to lose?

Form Over Substance

When Mia wrote a letter to the elders sharing her hurt, they did not respond for weeks. After not hearing anything for weeks, Mia, along with another elder brought an additional concern about the offending elder to the church board. When Mia once again received no response, she brought him up on charges to the regional committee with the hope of getting help from the denomination.

Finally responding, the elder board wrote to her saying, “Your filing judicial charges has complicated the matter,” not, “We are so sorry we have failed to support you in your incredible need.”

Rather than share the love of Christ, providing support to receive counseling for her horrible experiences in the church, they began to cross their t’s and dot their i’s. In a letter to Mia they continued to point out that she didn’t follow the church rules in how she brought to their attention the failure of the offending elder’s shepherding.

“It is clear to us that you have misunderstood the nature of personal and non-personal offenses, as well as public and private offenses. First, our Book of Discipline III.4 states, ‘Offenses are either public or private. Public offenses are those which are commonly known.‘”

Elder Board’s letter to Mia

It goes on ad-nauseum. A bunch of gobbledy-gook to distract from the issue at hand and their duties as God’s shepherds.

In addition, Mia said they “threatened to bring charges against” her for writing what she wrote. 

Calvin and Charlotte pointed out to me that they have become convinced that the elders are mostly concerned about “their position, role and status.” They are “puffed up,” as Paul warns Timothy when choosing elders (1 Timothy 3:6).2 As I read their letter and listened to descriptions of meetings with the elders, they seem to be pounding their chests, defending, and justifying their actions rather than humbly seeking to shepherd the flock.

And in their wake they are leaving deeply hurt people of whom the Lord Jesus Christ gave them opportunity to serve.

Again, in their letter to their daughter, Calvin and Charlotte said, “Men, shepherds, leaders in Christ’s body went to great lengths to make sure what truly happened was hidden and, in the process, they attacked you.” They went on to say, “[The elders] would not deal with heart issues and hid behind process.”

Where Do They Go from Here?

When the church “courts” fail to bring justice and mercy and faithfulness in the relationships they are called to provide for, protect, and love, where do you turn?

In the case of these elders, they have done nothing illegal to report to the civil authorities. However, they have clearly failed on many accounts to shepherd the flock of God and should be held accountable. Where can Mia, Calvin, and Charlotte turn to bring that accountability?

Waiting for the Lord to bring vindication certainly is a biblical option (Psalm 135:14). However, doing nothing means the elders will be allowed to continue to mistreat God’s people and diminish the church’s Gospel witness to the community. God continually calls His people to step into the melee and seek justice for the vulnerable [Isaiah 1:16, Proverbs 1:2-3].

In their case, the family has chosen to use social media. When the failures of an elder have destroyed many relationships and the complicity of his fellow leaders are compounding the problems, it is important to bring help to others who are suffering under their leadership. In order to warn others, it may mean bringing in the various types of media.

Again, speaking about leadership in the church, Paul tells his young charge, Timothy,

“Do not admit a charge against an elder except on the evidence of two or three witnesses. As for those who persist in sin, rebuke them in the presence of all, so that the rest may stand in fear.”

1 Timothy 5:19-20 (ESV)

There is a standard for “charging” an elder. When there has been a significant number of broken relationships (“two or three witnesses”) caused by the elder in question, it is time to bring it to the church – to make it public.

How far abroad is it publicized, Paul does not state. He did not have social media in that time. 

But, his letters to various churches were read widely even as they are today in our social media. In more than one place Paul brings to our attention the wickedness of specifically named early church leaders (2 Timothy 4:10, 14). Those men’s names, which appear in Scripture, have gone down in history, having been an example of foolishness and evil to the church for centuries. Those words have been read by millions, if not billions of people.

The “engagements” his words have had far outnumber the most viral post of today’s social media.

Horribly offended members of the church may choose to make known the offenses of a leader in social media, emails, news outlets, or other public places after finding no help from other church leaders. It is my recommendation that, as an advocate, you take a deep breath and walk alongside the abused member to bring accountability to the leader. You may be uncomfortable with broadcasting it far and wide, but the healing of the victims and the accountability of the leader are more important.

The primary goal is love and love demands that an erring leader is brought accountability because scripturally, a leader is held to a higher standard than congregant members (1 Peter 5, James 3:1). It is likely that this is why Scripture holds them to a higher standard. . . from his place of authority and opportunities to teach, the damage he can do goes well beyond the scope of the errors of those under his charge.

Rather than judge the traumatized, seek justice for the oppressed. 

Leaning Into Their Story

Let Calvin, Charlotte, and Mia’s story help us learn how to respond to the deep, deep hurt of those who have faced abuse. Recently, I have had numerous conversations with others who do not know how to engage with someone who has been abused.

So often the trauma from abuse has created incredible physical effects and those who have been abused will often seem crazy as they repeat themselves, mix up facts, and struggle to make sense of their experiences. It isn’t crazy; it is the physical response of the body to protect itself from further harm.

Second, leaders in the church need to learn humility, open their ears. . . and close their mouths. Had Calvin, Charlotte, and Mia’s church leaders considered Jesus’s condemning words to the Pharisees, they may have taken a breath and asked how they could help Mia instead of pulling out their church policy manual (Matthew 23 – nearly the whole chapter).

And finally, church leaders need to realize that they are held to a higher standard of behavior and when they fail over and over and show clear signs of abusive leadership, they should expect their story to go far and wide. . . as well it should.

NOTES:

1 Calvin, Charlotte, and Mia are NOT their real names. Though they were unconcerned having their names published, it is P&S’s desire that there be no distraction from their story. The church denominations that failed them have also been kept anonymous for the same reason. Their story could be told in every denomination, and indeed I have heard these stories in numerous denominations. Lest readers think this could only happen in that denomination, P&S wants them to know it IS happening in their denomination.

2 1 Timothy 3:2-3 says an elder should be of “good behavior, hospitable, able to teach; not given to wine, not violent, not greedy for money, but gentle, not quarrelsome due to the power he possesses.” Several of the items listed by the Apostle Paul are pointed at how the leader is to relate to others. Hospitable, gentle, not quarrelsome, not authoritarian. If a man has significant difficulties with these, he is not qualified to lead in the church.

Church Leadership: Freshly Brewed Coffee or…

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Reading the early part of Paul’s letter to Titus is at once like sitting at a brightly lit sidewalk cafe with a freshly brewed coffee in hand and curled up in a corner in the fetal position completely depressed.

The Apostle Paul wrote to Titus (likely in Crete) nearly 2000 years ago to encourage him as he battled against false and abusive teachers in the church. It is refreshing to read what God requires of the character of a leader. But His description and often what we see in church leadership is not at all similar.

As we read the first chapter we get a taste of what leadership in the church should look like.

…if anyone is above reproach, the husband of one wife, and his children are believers and not open to the charge of debauchery or insubordination. For an overseer, as God’s steward, must be above reproach. He must not be arrogant or quick-tempered or a drunkard or violent or greedy for gain, but hospitable, a lover of good, self-controlled, upright, holy, and disciplined. He must hold firm to the trustworthy word as taught, so that he may be able to give instruction in sound doctrine and also to rebuke those who contradict it.

Titus 1:6-9

As Diane Langberg notes in Redeeming Power, “To use our power rightly in this world, we must exercise it through love, as Christ does.” [Redeeming Power, Loc. 2444] Paul’s description of leadership in the church to Titus reverberates with love.

The Forest

I am a “big-picture” guy. I like to see themes and overarching concepts as I study scripture. Yes, detail is great, but I believe scripture is particularly full of “principles” to be applied in the myriad of life events. It is the principles – like the 10 Commandments – where we find the help we need in living life on a day to day basis. It is a work of wisdom to apply God’s principles as we face the legion of decisions we make daily.

Paul’s instruction to Titus about leadership in the church has a particularly forest character: it is the big picture of Christrian character! Seeing the forest for the trees, we see in Paul’s overall instruction that a leader is loving.

Some would see the list in Titus 1 as a call to arms in taking authority in the home and squashing dissent. But it is not.

They are character traits that I have seen in numerous church leaders who I would describe as gentle, gracious, and kind. Oh, yes, they are solid as a rock theologically. But, they are first and foremost lovers of God’s people (including their family) and the world He created for His glory. They live out their theology in the way Paul instructs.

Starting in the Home

Picking the list apart, the Apostle begins in the home. Because, how the leader relates to family is often the most telling of his leadership abilities. Recently, a friend and I determined that we can be the meanest at home. There we find the full expression of our attitudes for good or bad. Maybe it is the unconditional love we get from our spouses and children that we believe gives us license to hurt.

We often find that the “charmer,” we so admired outside the home, is actually beating his wife and children in the privacy of his home.

Paul, in another place, tells fathers to not “exasperate” their children. Having children who are believers and not “open to the charge of debauchery or insubordination” is the result of a man who loves his children well. It is not bringing the hammer down on every failure, but loving the child through their faithlessness. Of course, parents are not responsible ultimately for a child’s rebellion but parents do most certainly impact their youthful attitudes. [Prov. 22:6]

In the Church

Paul’s list begins with what is visible in church leadership noting that a leader is “not arrogant or quick-tempered.” I am continually writing about “humility” because it is truly a fundamental element of godly character, particularly in leadership.

I have discovered that toxic environments in the church are so often created by individuals or a general culture that lacks humility.

There is no way for there to be peace and unity in the church or an organization without the players holding their views with humility. There will always be conflicts in theology. God has made clear the Gospel message, but there will always be clashes when it comes to particularly detailed view of ethics or doctrine.

If we do not have the humility to recognize…

  • that a view we hold could be wrong or
  • that others with good minds have reason for coming up with a differing view,

then our view will grow to be a mountain on which to die.

From the Editor of Pearls and Swine: Kelly Dehnert’s missions memoirs. Buy on Amazon.

We die on the mountain of the Gospel – that all was created good, man sinned against God, Jesus went to the cross to take away that sin, and by trusting in His work we can have eternal life – but not on the foothills.

  • In addition, humility helps us lay our conflict at Christ’s feet and in the Holy Spirit’s capable hands to solve.

There may be views we hold strongly and believe we must hold them unswervingly. However, sometimes we must lay it down recognizing that it is the Holy Spirit that must change hearts.

No amount of debate and argument will change a heart that God is not changing. Rest in knowing that the Lord sanctifies His children in His time and in His way. He may use our words but He may not. 2nd Timothy 2:24-26 should be the “Titus Leadership Theme Verse.”

“And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will.”

2nd Timothy 2:24-26 (ESV)

I believe Paul put “arrogant” and “quick-tempered” together for a reason. The two go together nicely. They come together to make a miserable situation.

The man who is arrogant will also tend to be quick-tempered. He thinks he is always right or is entitled and his temper is a means of getting his way. Just as we see in abusers, their anger is a way to control their situation. It is their way to create fear that the abuser may get his way. It comes from an evil heart.

Greed and Violence

The term for “violent” in Greek means “a pugnacious, contentious, quarrelsome person.” Translating it as “violent” does not capture it. Many who abuse power are not physically violent. But they are generally contenious and quarrelsome. Again, entitlement and arrogance sum it up. Being entitled and arrogant creates a pugnacious individual.

And they are self-serving – greedy. An attitude of service to others is corrupted when the motivation is to get rather than give. It is difficult to look out for the good of others when your own good is foremost in your heart.[Phil. 2:4]

We are all selfish. We are all wanting our own way. We each desire to be comfortable in our own way. But the character Paul is attributing to good leadership has, by the Holy Spirit’s sanctifying power, experienced a “dying to self” through the “mortification” (killing) of these motivations.

Hospitable, Lover of Good, Self-Control, Upright, Holy and Disciplined

Notice, each of the character traits that follow simply build upon these wonderful descriptions of a godly leader. The list provides both motivational and action character traits.

It is not acceptable to be just self-controlled when others are looking. Leaders can say the right things and even be quite amiable most of the time. However, each of these character traits have inward and outward results. Inward motivations will normally produce outward action. So, some of the traits Paul deliniates for Titus are in fact the outward results of an inner motivation.

  • He who is greedy will rarely be hospitable. It costs him too much.
  • He who is not a lover of good will rarely be self-controlled. His love of evil will drive foolishness.

Our Responsibility

Unfortunately, so many of our leaders in the church and Christian organization are mimicking the world’s leaders. Arrogant (narcissistic), violent, greedy for power, and unholy. They may put on a nice face but it is only an image they wish to market.

It is the responsibility of God’s people to choose wise and good leaders. It behooves congregations and boards to look more closely at applicants. It is wise of churches and organizations to do due diligence in the interview and vetting process.

Consider these options:

  • Gain access to and evaluate the applicant’s family relational dynamics.
  • Carefully interview those who have served under or beside the applicant.
  • Learn about abusive leadership identifiers so you are able to ID one more readily.

May the church and Christian organizations raise up leaders who exemplify love and selflessness. May we feel like sitting at a brightly lit sidewalk cafe with a freshly brewed coffee in hand as we submit to these leaders.

Resources [also on P&S Resources Page]

The Allure of Toxic Leaders: Why We Follow Destructive Bosses and Corrupt Politicians–and How We Can Survive Them by Lipman-Blumen, Jean. Oxford University Press, 2004. [Get on Amazon]

Behind the Masks: Personality Disorders in Religious Behavior by Wayne Oates [Get on Amazon]

Broken Trust: a practical guide to identify and recover from toxic faith, toxic church, and spiritual abuse by F. Remy Diederich. Independently published, September 14, 2017. [Get on Amazon]

Character Assassins: Dealing with Ecclesiastical Tyrants and Terrorists by Peter Hammond and Brian Abshire. [Get on Amazon]

A Church Called Tov: Forming a Goodness Culture That Resists Abuses of Power and Promotes Healing by Scot McKnight, Laura Barringer, and Tish Harrison Warren.  Carol Stream, Illinois: Tyndale Momentum, 2020. [Get on Amazon]

Churches That Abuse by Ronald M. Enroth. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 1993. [Get on Amazon]

Escaping the Maze of Spiritual Abuse: Creating Healthy Christian Cultures by Lisa Oakley and Justin Humphreys. SPCK, 2019. [Get on Amazon]

In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People by George K Simon, Ph.D. 2nd ed. Little Rock, AR: Parkhurst Brothers Publishers Inc, 2010. [Get on Amazon]

Narcissism in the Church: A Heart of Stone in Christian Relationships by David Orrison, PhD.. Independently published, January 10, 2019. [Get on Amazon]

Playing God: Redeeming the Gift of Power by Andy Crouch. Downers Grove, IL: IVP Books, 2013. [Get on Amazon]

Redeeming Power: Understanding Authority and Abuse in the Church by Diane Langberg. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Brazos Pr, 2020. [Get on Amazon]

Rising Above a Toxic Workplace: Taking Care of Yourself in an Unhealthy Environment by Gary Chapman, Paul E. White, and Harold Myra. Chicago: Northfield Publishing, 2014. [Get on Amazon]

Something’s Not Right: Decoding the Hidden Tactics of Abuse–and Freeing Yourself from Its Power by Wade Mullen and Diane Mandt Langberg.  Tyndale Momentum, 2020. [Get on Amazon]

Twisted Scriptures: Breaking Free from Churches That Abuse by Mary Alice Chrnalogar.  Revised. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2010. [Get on Amazon]

Unholy Charade: Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church by Jeff Crippen and Rebecca Davis. Justice Keepers Publishing, 2015. [Get on Amazon]

Vrbicek, Interview by Benjamin. “The Many Faces of Narcissism in the Church.” ChristianityToday.com. https://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2020/march/chuck-degroat-narcissism-comes-church.html.

When Narcissism Comes to Church: Healing Your Community From Emotional and Spiritual Abuse by Chuck DeGroat and Richard J. Mouw. Downers Grove, Illinois: IVP, 2020. [Get on Amazon]

Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft [Get on Amazon]