Tag Archives: domesticviolence

My Close Friends Have Forgotten Me: Isolating Victims

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When I first began research in toxic leadership, I had become interested in the topic because of two things: the leadership of our mission and a dear friend’s experience of an abusive marriage she had suffered in for 20 years.

The ways in which those two forms of abuse – leadership and domestic – came together were astounding. The psychological, spiritual, and physical techniques of abusers and destruction caused by them were extraordinarily similar.

As I focused in on leadership abuse, domestic abuse affects were never very far off my research paths.

One particular result (and technique) of abuse is isolation. It is deeply hurtful. And it is almost always, in my experience, a result of or intentional tool in the abusive individual’s kit.

I have spent much time in Job lately and as I read recently, these words popped out at me:

He has put my brothers far from me,
and those who knew me are wholly estranged from me.
My relatives have failed me,
my close friends have forgotten me.
The guests in my house and my maidservants count me as a stranger;
I have become a foreigner in their eyes.
I call to my servant, but he gives me no answer;
I must plead with him with my mouth for mercy.
My breath is strange to my wife,
and I am a stench to the children of my own mother.
Even young children despise me;
when I rise they talk against me.
All my intimate friends abhor me,
and those whom I loved have turned against me.
My bones stick to my skin and to my flesh,
and I have escaped by the skin of my teeth.
Have mercy on me, have mercy on me, O you my friends,
for the hand of God has touched me!
Why do you, like God, pursue me?
Why are you not satisfied with my flesh?

Job 19:13 (ESV)

In Job’s case, he has seen the works of Satan destroying aspects of his life under the willing control of the Lord Almighty. He knows God’s sovereignty in the situation and is angry and confused by it.

Job is a respected elder in the community because of the many blessings the Lord has poured out on him. But, as the Lord proves to Satan that Job’s love for God is not based on material well-being, Job loses nearly everything in his world; his wealth, children, employees, animals, crops, and his own health.

And Job loses his friends.

He is isolated.

It is part and parcel of the abuser’s playbook to do all he can to separate his victim from her friends and means of support. He may charm family, friends, co-workers, or employees making it seem evident that the victim is crazy, mistaken about the abuse, or unloveable.

One manager of a large international ministry told me his CEO called all his friends – other CEOs of major ministries – to isolate him. The CEO made it impossible for him to find another job for two years after he fired the manager for confronting the CEO on reports of sexual harrassment of 20 women.

Our missions Director told us the other staff with whom we worked were against us when we challenged his toxic leadership. It was not true, but he evidently wanted us to feel isolated and helpless.

In a recent interview, a woman told me her respected husband isolated her from family and church friends and leadership by means of his social stature and charm.

Another woman told me all of her brothers turned against her when she was seeking to get free from her horribly abusive husband.

Job’s story ends well. He is given great wealth, more children, a whole new ranch teaming with stock and he is welcomed back into the community.

That may or may not be the case for those who have been isolated by their abuser. But it is important to remember that it is the Lord Who brings vindication. It is the Lord Who will provide all the needs we have.

And it may be a case where we must turn to the Lord’s example:

Now when he was in Jerusalem at the Passover Feast, many believed in his name when they saw the signs that he was doing. But Jesus on his part did not entrust himself to them, because he knew all people and needed no one to bear witness about man, for he himself knew what was in man.

John 2:23-25 (ESV)

Jesus did “not entrust himself to them.” Why?

“Because he knew all people . . . for he himself knew what was in man.”

Man is fickle. His allegiances change. He will believe whom he wants to believe.

This is a cry to those who would isolate victims of abuse by believing the lies of the oppressor. Though you may fear the abuser, your allegiance better fall with the victim of oppression . . . this is the Lord’s will.

And, this is a cry to victims. Know that ultimately, the Lord’s vindication is for the taking. Though the vindication of man – brought by your loving Lord – may be long in coming, the Lord stands by your side and will not be removed.

Though it seems that the heavens are falling and the earth is shaking, to be isolated with the Lord is far and away better than the praises of man.

General Revelation: Look, Listen, and Learn

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I have seen the failure of the Church to respond well to abusive leadership in the home and office. At times I have wondered if one of our difficulties is an ignorance of God’s communication to his people.

In the history of the church, theologians have given names to two different means of communication God uses to speak to his creation: “Special” and “General.”

SPECIAL REVELATION

“Special Revelation” is that communication that is found in black and white on the pages of the Bible. Scriptures are a “lamp to our feet and a light to our path.” [Ps. 119:105] They are inerrant in their original writing and have been faithfully handed down through the millennia. [2 Tim. 3:16]

Normally, evangelicals consider the Bible foundational to how we interpret the world around us. If we have questions about what actions God has taken, His character, or what He requires of His people, we turn to the Bible for answers.

GENERAL REVELATION

“General Revelation” is not so clearly understood. We know about General Revelation from the Bible, in particular from Paul’s letter to the Romans. But it is not discussed with much clarity. In Romans, Paul says,

“His invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made.”

Romans 1:20

Evangelicals are much more “wary” of this communication from the Lord. However, God communicates through “the things that have been made.” He has spoken well enough through His creation that all people are “without excuse” for failing to “honor him as God or give thanks to him.” They are culpable for their rejection of His Lordship over their lives because, even though they may never read a Bible, they have his General Revelation in the created things around them to point them to His character and acts.

What Does God Communicate through General Revelation?

But exactly how and what has been conveighed to man through General Revelation? Paul says “his eternal power and divine nature” have been communicated but what exactly does that mean? And, what aspects of creation communicate these attributes?

As we consider all man has learned about the world around us, down to the itty-bitty elements of the living cell, it seems apparent that God’s creative, life-giving work is there for all men to see. He has displayed the building blocks of His ordered creation as we peer into the recesses of nature. Those discoveries of His creative works seem to be coming at faster-than-light-speed in the past two hundred years.

This look at creation under the magnifying glass also shows us the brokenness of the creation and gives guidance on how to bring healing and help to those who are physically broken. As the specializations in science, including psychology, continue to “specialize” with the piling up of information regarding the human body, we know more and more how the fall has broken us in an area the Bible gives little information.

Special Revelation tells us that man brought overwhelming brokenness to a beautifully and perfectly created world through his rebellion in the garden many eons ago (Genesis 3). Every aspect of creation – spiritual and physical – has been broken by that original sin in the garden. Paul says that the whole world around us “groans” awaiting to be renewed.

It is General Revelation that shows us that we can work to redeem the physical brokenness we live with every day of our lives.

Special Revelation gives us the guidance we need to understand the spiritual brokenness of our world – how our relationship to the Creator can be fixed through Jesus’ blood and righteousness – but General Revelation gives us understanding of the physical brokenness of this world. Of course, our interpretation of General Revelation fails at times just as it does of the Word of God (Special Revelation).

Our original sin affects everything.

Understanding Physical Brokenness

But we would never say to an individual who suffers from physical handicaps that they just need to pray and read their Bible more so they can grow out of it. This is an obvious misuse of Special Revelation. We use the wisdom gained by God’s image-bearers, after observing God’s General Revelation of the physical brokenness, to diagnose and prescribe ways of working with the special needs of that person.

Though the church’s understanding of scripture has grown and developed in some ways over the centuries since its writing, man’s understanding of General Revelation has made extraordinary strides, particularly in the past two hundred years.

General Revelation has made it possible to send men to the moon. General Revelation has made it possible to better understand what is happening in the brain of someone “clinically” depressed or suffering from OCD. General Revelation has made it possible to give someone a new heart. And General Revelation helps us understand the effects of trauma on the person.

Special Revelation does not provide those things.

It is really quite extraordinary how those who have been created to be creative and to seek a redeemed world have figured so many things out. Even those who have no interest in glorifying God in their discoveries are serving God’s redemptive plan (much like Pharaoh and the Exodus).

So, as we seek to reach and minister to a world that is deeply broken by the original sin, we cannot ignore God’s General Revelation that tells us much about man. It can help us know how man responds to horrible events like emotional, spiritual, and physical abuse. We can learn more and more by observing God’s General Revelation how to help those suffering from trauma.

REVELATION of Trauma

How do we bring Special and General Revelation together to minister to survivors of abusive leaders? God’s Special Revelation tells us that Jesus considers the trauma of a broken world as He ministers to His creation:

Behold my servant, whom I uphold,
my chosen, in whom my soul delights;
I have put my Spirit upon him;
he will bring forth justice to the nations.
He will not cry aloud or lift up his voice,
or make it heard in the street;
a bruised reed he will not break,
and a faintly burning wick he will not quench;
he will faithfully bring forth justice. 

Isaiah 42:1-3 (ESV)

He handles broken people carefully. He does not snap the bruised stick. He seeks to heal it. He does not quench a small ember but patiently brings it back to full flame. He looks out for the downtrodden.

The affects that minimizing, discouraging, criticizing, and shaming have on people has been studied carefully by neurologists. It actually changes the brain.[2] The sin of others break us. We need to listen to God’s image-bearers who are seeking the redemption of the body. They have learned much about the body that the Bible (Special Revelation) does not tell us but the Lord has told us in General Revelation.

Healing the Through Talk

Scientists have determined that the process for healing those broken neurological pathways is a long and slow process.[2] It involves talking about the event and pain caused by it without others judging your biblical accuracy or lack of willingness to forgive and forget. Healing comes when it seems that the survivor of traumatic events has talked about it from every angle and has worn their listeners out listening to the same things over and over.

I have heard God’s people express frustration at the things an abuse survivor says about God and her seeming lack of forgiveness of the abuser. They are so caught up in the errors of her words that they forget the lessons of Job’s counselors. His well-meaning counselors wanted to clear up his thinking and in the end were required to make a sacrifice for their sin of judging Job in the midst of his incredible suffering.

Rather than listening and comforting, Job’s counselors were determined to critique his thinking.

If we wish to love survivors of abuse, we will listen and seek to empathize. In time, it will bring about the “peaceful fruit of righteousness.” [Heb. 12:11]  But we need to trust that God is at work in them and through his General Revelation as scientists seek to understand how abusers traumatize their targets.

We are “fearfully and wonderfully made.” [Ps. 139:14] And that is a revelation.

Book by Editor of P&S

Kelly Dehnert, Editor of Pearls and Swine, has written a book about his family’s life in Africa as missionaries. The book provides helpful insights to engaging other cultures.

What others say about the book:

[To Africa On a Lark] is extremely readable, with an easy to follow flow. The stories are quite engaging…The overall theme of cross-cultural adjustment, with the “razor” image, comes through clearly. I hope that many will read, enjoy, and benefit from your engaging string of accounts.

J. Nelson Jennings, PhD – Editor, Global Missiology – English

Notes:

[1] The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk MD. 1st ed. New York: Penguin Books, 2014. [Get on Amazon]

[2] Suffering and the Heart of God by Diana Langberg [Get on Amazon]

22 Years of Failure: The Church’s Response to Abuse

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Marsha sought help from leaders of the many churches she and her abusive husband attended over the years.

After 20 years of marriage she told her whole, sordid story to a couple church leaders who seemed to “get it.” As they heard her story, they listened with concern for her. Their initial responses were helpful and safe.

It All Began . . .

Marsha was sexually assaulted twice as a child on the mission field, later by a relative, and then as a young adult by an assistant church pastor. It seems that each time she turned to spiritual leaders or those who should have had her wefare in mind, she was abused.

In her late-twenties Marsha was introduced to her future husband by friends and had a short courtship. Within a few months they were at the altar repeating their vows to love and cherish one another.

Then it began.

There had been no sign of abusive behavior in their short courtship. But on their honeymoon he lost it and “yelled” at her for accidentally crushing the sand dollars collected on the beach, making quite a scene. Marsha explained to me, “Time went on and his anger was very present when conflict arose.”

In each location they lived, she sought help from church leaders. They were moving about every three to four years due to her husband’s job. One pastor, when asked for counsel told her husband to “love her” and told her to “get her parents out of it.” Marsha had shared his raging moments with her parents over time including the time she said, “He was yelling at me with a dog gate held over his head.”

In obedience to the pastor, Marsha faithfully “kept [her parents] out of it” for 17 years.

Bad to Worse

When things finally completely boiled over, she sought out a church that would understand abuse and help her. She had believed, as some of the churches had told her, that she must dutifully submit to her husband and that divorce was one of the worst actions anyone could ever take.

Church leaders, tasked with shepherding her and caring for her spiritual wellbeing, had faithfully taught her to just hang in there…because God hates divorce.

When she told her story to two pastors in the new church, they wrapped their arms around her. The senior pastor advised her to legally separate. She began that process.

Then, the elders met with her husband.

It all seemed to turn on its head. She began receiving communications from the pastors and a woman who was part of a group tasked with helping other women in crisis. They shared with Marsha in emails and conversations such things as:

  • I don’t find grounds for you to divorce your husband.
  • We are hoping that you might be willing to enter into a process to possibly restore your marriage.
  • It seems you have a habit of leaving churches that challenge your views. Sounds like the same ol’ song.
  • We’ve inherited an estrangement that has gone on for 20 years and one in which several churches have not been consistently speaking into.
  • Relational estrangement is far removed from fixing appliances and cars…It requires two willing people.  It requires repentance and forgiveness….And so we need time to make room for all these things.  It demands patience from all involved.

After more than twenty years. “It demands patience” was all the pastor could come up with. We need to make room for all these things.

This is a typical problem for those in abusive situations. It does indeed take two willing people. Apparently, church leaders having not gone through the years of living in hell with an abuser think they need the survivor to slow down for them to catch up.

They hear the abuser’s manipulation and are sucked into his vortex of lies.

Suddenly, a church that knows little of the story wants the victim to “be patient” while they dot their i’s and check off the boxes they need to feel justified in allowing her to divorce (if they will allow divorce). They think they can finally fix the marital problems where others have failed…

My wife calls it ignorance and arrogance.

It is where many of us have been when we had little understanding of abuse. We can be so ignorant and then, thinking we are so knowledgeable of God’s will, arrogantly espouse platitudes about love and mercy and commitment…and forgiveness.

Abuse is not “estrangement”

It was a strange and calming term to use for the violence perpetrated by Marsha’s oppressive and manipulative husband. “Oppression” is the term that scripture uses. My guess is the pastor used the term “estrangement” (consciously or subconsciously) to bring the abuse down to a manageable level with which the leaders could deal.

As we consider why church leaders would care so poorly for targets of domestic violence, I would suggest that there is a fundamental underlying failure in our theology of divorce.

We think all divorce is bad

Some get this from Malachi as he takes God’s people to task for divorce:

“For the man who does not love his wife but divorces her, says the Lord, the God of Israel, covers his garment with violence, says the Lord of hosts. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and do not be faithless.”

Malachi 2:16 (ESV)

There are few who have not heard translations of this verse that say “God hates divorce” such as the American Standard Version and King James. Theologian after theologian quote these versions to battle our culture of no-fault divorce.

But notice how the English Standard Version translates it:

“The man who does not love his wife but divorces her…covers his garment with violence.” 

The New International Version says,

“The man who hates and divorces his wife,’ says the Lord, the God of Israel, ‘does violence to the one he should protect,’ says the Lord Almighty.”

There are difficulties in the translation of this passage and scholars disagree. But there is significant evidence that the language used, the context of the culture in which it was written, and traditional rabbinic interpretation would suggest the ESV and NIV likely have it right.[1]

It is not divorce the Lord hates, but the reasons for the divorce; the husband does not love his wife. The husband is not treating his wife well. He has severed the covenant he made with his wife.

That can be evidenced in abusive behavior, adultery, addiction to pornography, and other ways that reject his wife, breaking his covenant to love and protect he made at the altar.

This translation makes more sense when considering God’s own actions. He is said to “divorce” Israel in its rebellion, called adultery. [Jeremiah 3:8]

God hated Israel’s adultery and found it necessary to turn away from them just as a survivor of abuse must turn away from the evil of their covenant-breaking spouse.

If divorce were evil in itself, God would never take part in it.

We hold men and women in bondage as we expect them to “hang in there” when a spouse radically breaks their covenant vows through abuse. Whether it be adultery or abuse, the innocent party has biblical grounds to take the legal steps to put a legal stamp of “divorce” on the actions of divorce. A divorce has already taken place in the marriage by the offending party.

In case of abuse, divorce is not only the safe option but the loving option.  Abusers must be held accountable if there is to be lasting change. The Lord most certainly wants the abuser to change.

The church should stand beside those who are suffering abusive relationships. They should do everything in their power to give aid and safety to the survivor, including “allowing” the decision to divorce should the survivor seek it.

Not begrudgingly. Not hesitantly. But with their blessing.

 

NOTES

1 David Instone-Brewer, Divorce and Remarriage in the Bible: The Social and Literary Context (Kindle, Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing, 2002), 1075.