Tag Archives: domesticabuse

My Close Friends Have Forgotten Me: Isolating Victims

Posted on by
Reply

When I first began research in toxic leadership, I had become interested in the topic because of two things: the leadership of our mission and a dear friend’s experience of an abusive marriage she had suffered in for 20 years.

The ways in which those two forms of abuse – leadership and domestic – came together were astounding. The psychological, spiritual, and physical techniques of abusers and destruction caused by them were extraordinarily similar.

As I focused in on leadership abuse, domestic abuse affects were never very far off my research paths.

One particular result (and technique) of abuse is isolation. It is deeply hurtful. And it is almost always, in my experience, a result of or intentional tool in the abusive individual’s kit.

I have spent much time in Job lately and as I read recently, these words popped out at me:

He has put my brothers far from me,
and those who knew me are wholly estranged from me.
My relatives have failed me,
my close friends have forgotten me.
The guests in my house and my maidservants count me as a stranger;
I have become a foreigner in their eyes.
I call to my servant, but he gives me no answer;
I must plead with him with my mouth for mercy.
My breath is strange to my wife,
and I am a stench to the children of my own mother.
Even young children despise me;
when I rise they talk against me.
All my intimate friends abhor me,
and those whom I loved have turned against me.
My bones stick to my skin and to my flesh,
and I have escaped by the skin of my teeth.
Have mercy on me, have mercy on me, O you my friends,
for the hand of God has touched me!
Why do you, like God, pursue me?
Why are you not satisfied with my flesh?

Job 19:13 (ESV)

In Job’s case, he has seen the works of Satan destroying aspects of his life under the willing control of the Lord Almighty. He knows God’s sovereignty in the situation and is angry and confused by it.

Job is a respected elder in the community because of the many blessings the Lord has poured out on him. But, as the Lord proves to Satan that Job’s love for God is not based on material well-being, Job loses nearly everything in his world; his wealth, children, employees, animals, crops, and his own health.

And Job loses his friends.

He is isolated.

It is part and parcel of the abuser’s playbook to do all he can to separate his victim from her friends and means of support. He may charm family, friends, co-workers, or employees making it seem evident that the victim is crazy, mistaken about the abuse, or unloveable.

One manager of a large international ministry told me his CEO called all his friends – other CEOs of major ministries – to isolate him. The CEO made it impossible for him to find another job for two years after he fired the manager for confronting the CEO on reports of sexual harrassment of 20 women.

Our missions Director told us the other staff with whom we worked were against us when we challenged his toxic leadership. It was not true, but he evidently wanted us to feel isolated and helpless.

In a recent interview, a woman told me her respected husband isolated her from family and church friends and leadership by means of his social stature and charm.

Another woman told me all of her brothers turned against her when she was seeking to get free from her horribly abusive husband.

Job’s story ends well. He is given great wealth, more children, a whole new ranch teaming with stock and he is welcomed back into the community.

That may or may not be the case for those who have been isolated by their abuser. But it is important to remember that it is the Lord Who brings vindication. It is the Lord Who will provide all the needs we have.

And it may be a case where we must turn to the Lord’s example:

Now when he was in Jerusalem at the Passover Feast, many believed in his name when they saw the signs that he was doing. But Jesus on his part did not entrust himself to them, because he knew all people and needed no one to bear witness about man, for he himself knew what was in man.

John 2:23-25 (ESV)

Jesus did “not entrust himself to them.” Why?

“Because he knew all people . . . for he himself knew what was in man.”

Man is fickle. His allegiances change. He will believe whom he wants to believe.

This is a cry to those who would isolate victims of abuse by believing the lies of the oppressor. Though you may fear the abuser, your allegiance better fall with the victim of oppression . . . this is the Lord’s will.

And, this is a cry to victims. Know that ultimately, the Lord’s vindication is for the taking. Though the vindication of man – brought by your loving Lord – may be long in coming, the Lord stands by your side and will not be removed.

Though it seems that the heavens are falling and the earth is shaking, to be isolated with the Lord is far and away better than the praises of man.

Sweet Vindication [of God]

Posted on by
2

I wrote a blog a couple years ago that described my frustration at seeing the online praise and honor given to a toxic leader of a Christian organization. He had died and he was praised on social media by several who knew his toxic leadership.

I was frustrated by the lack of vindication. I had suffered under his ungodly leadership and I felt isolated. Quite frankly, I would have prefered having those same people explaining his toxic leadership on social media.

My friends contacted me soon after that blog to apologize for their honoring of this toxic leader.

In addition, In just a short time, I have witnessed (not on the spot, mind you) the burning down of one church, the flooding of another, and death of another tormentor (ministry leader). The two churches were those who had horribly mistreated sexual abuse victims and supported their perpetrators.

Ah, vindication.

Today I was reading in Psalm 54 and got another take on this by the Holy Spirit impressing upon me God’s vindication. I was deeply challenged for the attitudes I have had.

Psalm 54 says “strangers have risen up against me.” But David, the composer, says,

Behold, God is my helper;
the Lord is the upholder of my life.
He will return the evil to my enemies;
in your faithfulness put an end to them.

Psalm 54:4-5 (ESV)

I was struck by David’s confidence that the Lord would “return the evil” to his enemies.

A question came to mind: Will that “evil” God returns to my enemies be in this life (through trials and tribulations), the end of their life, or simply in the final judgment? He says, in faithfulness, he will “put an end to them.”

I wondered if the end of those who attack God’s people is consistently a horrible end? Maybe they will suffer financial disaster. Or flooding and fire. Or broken relationships with those close to them. Or some particularly difficult death?

Asaph certainly didn’t think so:

For I was envious of the arrogant
when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.
For they have no pangs until death;
their bodies are fat and sleek.
They are not in trouble as others are;
they are not stricken like the rest of mankind.

Psalm 73:3-5 (ESV)

Whether or not God judges these people, who are set against God’s children, by bringing visible hurt upon them in this life or not, there will be vindication for His people according to David in Psalm 54.

I felt badly that others had praised my tormentor (ministry leader) but David, in Psalm 54, showed me that my vindication comes by God’s hand. I need not see it through man’s judgment. And certainly not on social media! I can rest in forgiveness knowing that God will either bring my oppressor around to repentance or bring him to the grave to face eternal fire or a cleansing of glory (if a true believer).

I will be vindicated…but it will be by the Lord.

David’s words are freeing. They set free my captive heart to see the vindication I so desire. I can lay my head down knowing that it matters not in what form that vindication comes. My God, the Creator of the Universe, is on my side because I am His child.

And He will bring His justice to pass…either by convincing the abuser of his wickedness or bringing him well-earned justice.

God’s vindication is just right.

Rest, oh anxious heart.

Abuse, Vindication, and the Fear of Man

Posted on by
Reply

My first degrees were in music performance. Unfortunately, I soon discovered I was a nervous performer. In my early years, my nerves would nearly ruin my playing. Very frustrating for a performance major.

During that time, a pastor directed me to a passage in Proverbs that says,

The fear of man lays a snare,
but whoever trusts in the LORD is safe.

Proverbs 29:25 (ESV)

I was deeply affected by this verse. I realized that my nervousness about performing was welling up from a fundamental fear of what others thought of me.

Some time ago I wrote a blog on the need for vindication by those who share in the suffering of those under abuse. I related a story of how friends of mine had praised a toxic leader, I served under, when he died. Following that blog, these friends contacted me to apologize. I was deeply grateful for their care.

This blog is going to take another tack.

Recently, I have received abusive messages from an individual in a group text. I realized that when I had received those kinds of messages from this abuser privately, it did not bother me nearly as much. When it was more public, I found that I wanted vindication from the others in the group.

But I also realized, that is no way to live my life.

To Vindicate or Not to Vindicate

I stand by my belief that we need to “vindicate” those who are suffering under abuse. They need to know others understand, love, and will stand with them. Abusive leaders (at home or workplace) will often seek to isolate their targets. They will try to bring co-workers along their side and demonize the target of their abuse. Abusive husbands will “pocket” their wive’s friends.

So, it is very important for bystanders who the abuser seeks to manipulate this way do not fall for his or her evil maneuvers. They need to vindicate the target.

However, as I speak to targets of abuse, I believe it is important to point out that seeking that vindication can kill your soul. It is ultimately a desire to please man…to get them on your side. And, that only adds to the trauma created by the abuse, because it is very rare that you will receive vindication as studies suggest.

“Research in the United Kingdom found that more than one third of witnessses wanted to intervene to help victims but were afraid to do so. Bullies drive witness and bystanders out of their jobs, just as they do to ‘firsthand’ victims.”1

It is likely you will not receive those encouraging, understanding words from others.

Where does your vindication lie?

Cast your burden on the LORD,
and he will sustain you;
he will never permit
the righteous to be moved.
But you, O God, will cast them down
into the pit of destruction;
men of blood and treachery
shall not live out half their days.
But I will trust in you.

Psalm 55:22-23 (ESV)

The Lord is our vindication and in a world that is racked with sin, we can only truly trust in His provision. In his sustenance. In his vindication.

It will come. It may not be in the timing we want. But ultimately, God is just and He provides for the oppressed. His goodness is sure.

If you see someone abused, support them. If you are abused, cast your burden on the LORD. He knows your suffering more than any co-worker or family member.

Stories of Africa

“My family of six arrived in Malawi, Africa in August of 2003 to a wonderfully hospitable group of fellow missionaries. I was not really prepared for what awaited us. Our family had not done any significant homework on Malawian life but were nonetheless excited to get started with it.“

What a wonderful book!  You have beautifully combined storytelling of your and your family’s journey and experiences with scripture, spiritual experiences, music, and observations of Malawian and Western cultures. It is a great reference for anyone working and living in Malawi or those who support programs in Malawi.

Jeanine Jackson
Former United States Ambassador to Malawi
State Department Leadership Consultant

As I read at times, I felt I was reading the travel log of a missionary tourist, the insights of a musical theorist, the confessions of a cultural imperialist, the wisdom of a cross-cultural missiologist, and the reflections of journalist investigating a mystery cult. [Dehnert] presents a childlike wonder as he speaks about strange and stranger things in a strange and beautiful land. It was great how he expressed his fears, weaknesses, and misconceptions as part of the path to a gradual awakening. Dehnert didn’t go to Malawi with an agenda and he loves people; I think that enabled him to learn so much. In the end the book comes across like a fun travel documentary with some sage-like wisdom thrown in.

Rev. Jay Stoms  
Missionary with National Christian Foundation
Stellenbosch, South Africa

NOTES:

Sutton, Robert I. The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn’t. 1st ed. New York: Business Plus, 2007.

22 Years of Failure: The Church’s Response to Abuse

Posted on by
Reply

Marsha sought help from leaders of the many churches she and her abusive husband attended over the years.

After 20 years of marriage she told her whole, sordid story to a couple church leaders who seemed to “get it.” As they heard her story, they listened with concern for her. Their initial responses were helpful and safe.

It All Began . . .

Marsha was sexually assaulted twice as a child on the mission field, later by a relative, and then as a young adult by an assistant church pastor. It seems that each time she turned to spiritual leaders or those who should have had her wefare in mind, she was abused.

In her late-twenties Marsha was introduced to her future husband by friends and had a short courtship. Within a few months they were at the altar repeating their vows to love and cherish one another.

Then it began.

There had been no sign of abusive behavior in their short courtship. But on their honeymoon he lost it and “yelled” at her for accidentally crushing the sand dollars collected on the beach, making quite a scene. Marsha explained to me, “Time went on and his anger was very present when conflict arose.”

In each location they lived, she sought help from church leaders. They were moving about every three to four years due to her husband’s job. One pastor, when asked for counsel told her husband to “love her” and told her to “get her parents out of it.” Marsha had shared his raging moments with her parents over time including the time she said, “He was yelling at me with a dog gate held over his head.”

In obedience to the pastor, Marsha faithfully “kept [her parents] out of it” for 17 years.

Bad to Worse

When things finally completely boiled over, she sought out a church that would understand abuse and help her. She had believed, as some of the churches had told her, that she must dutifully submit to her husband and that divorce was one of the worst actions anyone could ever take.

Church leaders, tasked with shepherding her and caring for her spiritual wellbeing, had faithfully taught her to just hang in there…because God hates divorce.

When she told her story to two pastors in the new church, they wrapped their arms around her. The senior pastor advised her to legally separate. She began that process.

Then, the elders met with her husband.

It all seemed to turn on its head. She began receiving communications from the pastors and a woman who was part of a group tasked with helping other women in crisis. They shared with Marsha in emails and conversations such things as:

  • I don’t find grounds for you to divorce your husband.
  • We are hoping that you might be willing to enter into a process to possibly restore your marriage.
  • It seems you have a habit of leaving churches that challenge your views. Sounds like the same ol’ song.
  • We’ve inherited an estrangement that has gone on for 20 years and one in which several churches have not been consistently speaking into.
  • Relational estrangement is far removed from fixing appliances and cars…It requires two willing people.  It requires repentance and forgiveness….And so we need time to make room for all these things.  It demands patience from all involved.

After more than twenty years. “It demands patience” was all the pastor could come up with. We need to make room for all these things.

This is a typical problem for those in abusive situations. It does indeed take two willing people. Apparently, church leaders having not gone through the years of living in hell with an abuser think they need the survivor to slow down for them to catch up.

They hear the abuser’s manipulation and are sucked into his vortex of lies.

Suddenly, a church that knows little of the story wants the victim to “be patient” while they dot their i’s and check off the boxes they need to feel justified in allowing her to divorce (if they will allow divorce). They think they can finally fix the marital problems where others have failed…

My wife calls it ignorance and arrogance.

It is where many of us have been when we had little understanding of abuse. We can be so ignorant and then, thinking we are so knowledgeable of God’s will, arrogantly espouse platitudes about love and mercy and commitment…and forgiveness.

Abuse is not “estrangement”

It was a strange and calming term to use for the violence perpetrated by Marsha’s oppressive and manipulative husband. “Oppression” is the term that scripture uses. My guess is the pastor used the term “estrangement” (consciously or subconsciously) to bring the abuse down to a manageable level with which the leaders could deal.

As we consider why church leaders would care so poorly for targets of domestic violence, I would suggest that there is a fundamental underlying failure in our theology of divorce.

We think all divorce is bad

Some get this from Malachi as he takes God’s people to task for divorce:

“For the man who does not love his wife but divorces her, says the Lord, the God of Israel, covers his garment with violence, says the Lord of hosts. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and do not be faithless.”

Malachi 2:16 (ESV)

There are few who have not heard translations of this verse that say “God hates divorce” such as the American Standard Version and King James. Theologian after theologian quote these versions to battle our culture of no-fault divorce.

But notice how the English Standard Version translates it:

“The man who does not love his wife but divorces her…covers his garment with violence.” 

The New International Version says,

“The man who hates and divorces his wife,’ says the Lord, the God of Israel, ‘does violence to the one he should protect,’ says the Lord Almighty.”

There are difficulties in the translation of this passage and scholars disagree. But there is significant evidence that the language used, the context of the culture in which it was written, and traditional rabbinic interpretation would suggest the ESV and NIV likely have it right.[1]

It is not divorce the Lord hates, but the reasons for the divorce; the husband does not love his wife. The husband is not treating his wife well. He has severed the covenant he made with his wife.

That can be evidenced in abusive behavior, adultery, addiction to pornography, and other ways that reject his wife, breaking his covenant to love and protect he made at the altar.

This translation makes more sense when considering God’s own actions. He is said to “divorce” Israel in its rebellion, called adultery. [Jeremiah 3:8]

God hated Israel’s adultery and found it necessary to turn away from them just as a survivor of abuse must turn away from the evil of their covenant-breaking spouse.

If divorce were evil in itself, God would never take part in it.

We hold men and women in bondage as we expect them to “hang in there” when a spouse radically breaks their covenant vows through abuse. Whether it be adultery or abuse, the innocent party has biblical grounds to take the legal steps to put a legal stamp of “divorce” on the actions of divorce. A divorce has already taken place in the marriage by the offending party.

In case of abuse, divorce is not only the safe option but the loving option.  Abusers must be held accountable if there is to be lasting change. The Lord most certainly wants the abuser to change.

The church should stand beside those who are suffering abusive relationships. They should do everything in their power to give aid and safety to the survivor, including “allowing” the decision to divorce should the survivor seek it.

Not begrudgingly. Not hesitantly. But with their blessing.

 

NOTES

1 David Instone-Brewer, Divorce and Remarriage in the Bible: The Social and Literary Context (Kindle, Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing, 2002), 1075.