Let your gentleness be known to everyone. What extraordinary advice for those who want to be believed as they report abuse.
I sat in the plush CEO’s office of a Christian mission organization. A friend had known the mission leader since their parents had worked together on the field when they were children. As she and the mission leader worked together as adults, they had been battling for some time and she wanted to have witnesses to her conversation with him about their disagreement.
We were happy to join her though a bit suspicious of her reading of the situation. We knew the president as a charming and responsive leader. We were somewhat new to the organization, and new to abusive leadership, but the President had supported our work and welcomed us into his home on multiple occasions.
The meeting was intense. He calmly disagreed with her analysis of their conflict and periodically suggested, “I didn’t say that Margaret.” At least once he explained, “I wouldn’t have said that.” On the other hand, Margaret was near raving mad and was coming unglued.
We thought her to be unreasonable and likely responsible for their war.
This is not unlike many survivor’s stories of reporting their abuse to church or organizational authorities. The trauma and deep wounds caused by abuse and the great need to be free from it can drive a person, what some would say, almost insane. On the other hand, as the abusive individual shares his “side” of the story, he is calm and reasoning and just as charming as ever. In the process, many do not believe the victim as she shares her story as the abuser reasonably and calmly outright denies any responsibility.
It wasn’t until several years later that we found out the truth. Indeed, the mission leader had been lying to Margaret. He had been creating all sorts of problems for her.
Philippians 4 & Reporting
As I read Philippians 4, I see an aid to the whistleblower that may be helpful for those caught in these situations: Be gentle and be calm. Take a deep breath.
Mighty big words when you have faced abuse at home or in the marketplace. It is most certainly antithetical to what nearly all survivors are experiencing when they report their incredible hurt. And, in fact, the lack of calmness and gentleness is often a sign that abuse has taken place to those who understand abuse and its affects.
Unfortunately, most people do not get abuse. All they see is some crazy person sitting across from them.
To be calm and gentle, move on to what Paul continues to say in verses 8 and following:
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.
Philippians 4:8
Think about true and honorable things. Whatever is lovely. Only that which is worthy of praise. Read Psalm 27. Remember the Gospel. Jesus came for the oppressed and downtrodden [Isaiah 61]. He seeks out the hurting and troubled. He cares for the weak and mistreated.
Jesus is on your side.
Pray for calmness and gentleness. Paul says, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” Ask Him to work in you before you step into that office knowing that there is no need to be anxious when you are in the Father’s loving arms.
Recently, I was speaking with a woman who had been abused for many years by her husband. She was wanting her children’s court appointed advocate to understand the impact it had had on her children. She was almost frantic to get the advocate to understand. She was thinking feverishly how to get him to understand. It was in that moment that I realized the need for survivors to come at that task with clarity and calmness…because others just don’t understand and they will be thinking the same things I thought with my friend, Margaret. “She’s unglued!”
The survivor of toxic leadership in home and workplace has every reason to be frantic and confused and frustrated. It is very unfortunate that few people understand that. But gentleness may help make the reporting of it more receivable.
Remember Jesus’ words as he prepared to be taken to the cross:
“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.”
John 14:27 (ESV)
Stories of Africa
“My family of six arrived in Malawi, Africa in August of 2003 to a wonderfully hospitable group of fellow missionaries. I was not really prepared for what awaited us. Our family had not done any significant homework on Malawian life but were nonetheless excited to get started with it.“
As I read at times, I felt I was reading the travel log of a missionary tourist, the insights of a musical theorist, the confessions of a cultural imperialist, the wisdom of a cross-cultural missiologist, and the reflections of journalist investigating a mystery cult. [Dehnert] presents a childlike wonder as he speaks about strange and stranger things in a strange and beautiful land. It was great how he expressed his fears, weaknesses, and misconceptions as part of the path to a gradual awakening. Dehnert didn’t go to Malawi with an agenda and he loves people; I think that enabled him to learn so much. In the end the book comes across like a fun travel documentary with some sage-like wisdom thrown in.
Rev. Jay Stoms Missionary with National Christian Foundation Stellenbosch, South Africa
As I sat down a couple of mornings ago to read God’s Word and consider His mindfulness of me, I was led to Psalm 27 by a lovely little devotional called, “Jesus Calling.”
The Psalm leapt out of the pages at me, not because I presently feel abused, but because there is a certain coldness in my devotion from which I desire to shake free. I was struck by King David’s insight to abuse and my own needs of the moment.
The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? 2 When evildoers assail me to eat up my flesh, my adversaries and foes, it is they who stumble and fall. 3 Though an army encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; though war arise against me, yet I will be confident. 4 One thing have I asked of the LORD, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to inquire in his temple. 5 For he will hide me in his shelter in the day of trouble; he will conceal me under the cover of his tent; he will lift me high upon a rock.
Psalm 27 (ESV)
Go on and read the rest (at the end of this blog). But I want to point out something that deeply affected me:
I want . . . I need to abide in Jesus Christ in all my ways and in all my days. I want to “dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life.” In all the struggles of living under toxic leadership or abusive relationships. In all the broken relationships that are a result of it when others don’t see the toxins and don’t get it. All the deep hurt and trauma it has created . . .
I just want to abide in Jesus. To know “He will hide me in his shelter in the day of trouble. He will conceal me!”
What promise and hope for the Christian.
Enjoy the rest of the Psalm:
6 And now my head shall be lifted up above my enemies all around me, and I will offer in his tent sacrifices with shouts of joy; I will sing and make melody to the LORD. 7 Hear, O LORD, when I cry aloud; be gracious to me and answer me! 8 You have said, “Seek my face.” My heart says to you, “Your face, LORD, do I seek.” 9 Hide not your face from me. Turn not your servant away in anger, O you who have been my help. Cast me not off; forsake me not, O God of my salvation! 10 For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the LORD will take me in. 11 Teach me your way, O LORD, and lead me on a level path because of my enemies. 12 Give me not up to the will of my adversaries; for false witnesses have risen against me, and they breathe out violence. 13 I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living! 14 Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!
Stories of Africa
Kelly Dehnert, Editor of Pearls and Swine, has written a book about his family’s life in Africa as missionaries. The book provides helpful insights to engaging other cultures.
This well written, interesting book is a fantastic training text for missionary appointees, and I hope some of my SIM.org recruiter friends will read it and use it. It would be very helpful for new missionaries. TO AFRICA ON A LARK is must read material.
Cordell Loken Retired career missionary radio engineer at ELWA, Monrovia, Liberia.
People were created to love God and neighbor. They were created to care for and keep the world [Genesis 2:15]. To create flourishing.
They were not created to sow power and reap abuse.
Imagine for a moment that you have purchased a vineyard. You tenderly care for the vines, providing ample water each week, making sure it goes a foot deep into the rich soil. You daily walk through the rows pulling weeds and watching for nasty pests. You fertilize it and prune it yearly to remove all growth except new 1-year-old fruiting canes and renewal spurs.
But then, you discover the grapes are smaller and less sweet than you had expected. They are more prone to disease. They are “wild” grapes.
You did everything to care for the vineyard but the grapes have gone their own way.
God’s Wild Grapes
Apparently, in Isaiah’s time, God’s people had done the same.
God, the one true God, who created all things, is perfectly just and righteous. He is loving in all His ways. He is extraordinarily merciful to a broken people. Despite seeing His love and care, watering and pruning in the lives of His people, they have been more interested in joining “house to house” and adding “field to field” as the prophet Isaiah said of the wild grapes [Isaiah 5:1-10].
The picture Isaiah paints is of a greedy and oppressive people who are more concerned about their wealth than the care of their fellow man. If you ever wanted to know where our anti-monopoly laws come from, you need look no further than Isaiah’s prophetic witness.
However, this picture does not stop with monopolies. Isaiah is presenting a broader principle that cuts to heart of American Christian culture: power and oppression. We are a deeply broken people in the West where fame, fortune, and building at all costs rules so many of our decisions and is used as a means to oppress rather than bless. Consider how we protest a corporation who operates in a way we think is morally repugnant. We boycott. We shoot for the pocketbook. We know money makes the world go ’round.
Because we know that to get to the heart, you go to the bank.
Because people are more concerned about power and comforts than anything else. As long as the stock market is doing well . . . we are doing well. As long as the church’s image is larger than life . . . we are doing well.
The ends justify the means.
But God says there will be a reckoning. Isaiah goes on to say,
The LORD of hosts has sworn in my hearing: “Surely many houses shall be desolate, large and beautiful houses, without inhabitant. For ten acres of vineyard shall yield but one bath, and a homer of seed shall yield but an ephah.”
Isaiah 5:9-10
God told Israel (and Judah) He would take away the very thing they were so driven to attain: wealth and power. All those houses they built for themselves, after taking everyone else’s land, will end up empty. The land they invested in, taking it from all the “little guys,” would produce very little fruit.
The oppression they practiced would come back on them.
and Toxic Leadership?
It is in the context of grabbing after wealth and power that the toxic leader rises up and survives in our power and image-driven world. If the expectations of followers is that there be much cake, then the leader is driven by such demands. If a leader shows an accute ability to build the image of the church, the members greedily hang on his every word.
It does not matter if he is a liar or a sexual predator, or any other kind of toxic personality. If he creates something we can take pride in or supports our priority projects, we are good to go and will support him.
And I am not talking about the government or secular workplace. This is the church.
But if God’s people expect love and care for all of God’s creation, there is more likely to be a use of our resources for care and concern by those in leadership. There is more likely to be a use of power for care and concern. If Christian organizations hold leaders accountable, power becomes the means by which those organizations and churches take care of people. And that power is held very loosely remembering that the first will be last.
Money, social presence, and power are only tools. And they are not to be tools used for an individual’s pathological self-love.
Not at all.
Zero.
and he looked for justice, but behold, bloodshed; for righteousness, but behold, an outcry!
Isaiah 5:7
We all need to evaluate what we look for in leaders and those of us who are leaders, consider the cost of self-love.
Only the humility found in the Gospel can save us.
While researching and writing about toxic leadership over the last few years, I have often shared with anyone who would listen, “Toxic Leadership never ends well.” It is a disappointing and well-worn lesson.
As we watch current events unfold we are seeing the results of narcissism in bold and deeply disturbing colors. The short-term positive gains by a toxic leader, I would suggest, can never overcome the long-term devastation caused by their focus on self and the devaluation of people and relationships.
Scripture teaches this and life lived shows it.
Below is a portion of my research from a few years ago about narcissism.
Who Was Narcissist?
Langberg explains the name, “Narcissist” comes from the Greek mythological story of a young, handsome youth who had a “heart that was inaccessible to love.”[1]
One of his “rejected lovers” prayed that he be punished for his “lack of empathy.”[2] Nemesis, the god of retribution to whom she prayed, “caused Narcissist to see his reflection in the water and fall completely in love with himself.”[3] As he was unable to access his reflection, he “died of unrequited love.”[4]
Narcissists and Leadership
It is common for narcissists to occupy leadership positions. According to Chamorro-Premuzic, “An impressive 15-year longitudinal study found that individuals with psychopathic and narcissistic characteristics gravitated towards the top of the organizational hierarchy.”[5]
Chandler and Fields explain,
“Narcissistic leaders may pass selection screening because they possess strengths such as the ability to present a vision in a charismatic fashion, inspire others with rhetoric, and thereby persuade others to follow.”[6]
There have been many studies on the Narcissistic Personality Disorder according to George Simon, author of the article, “Narcissism: Pathological Self-Love,” despite the American Psychiatric Association removing the disorder from the DSM-5.[7] He says, “Too many folks who know all too well how painful it is to live or deal with a narcissist” are seeking information on narcissism.
Simon goes on to say, “Because ours is the age of permissiveness and especially ‘entitlement,’ narcissism has flourished, and just about everyone has a story to tell about dealing with a narcissist.”[8]
Identifying Narcissists
Narcissistic individuals are described as “conceited, boastful or pretentious,” according to the Mayo Clinic.[9] Chamorro-Premuzic says narcissists have “unrealistic feelings of grandiosity, an inflated – though often unstable and insecure – sense of self-worth, and a selfish sense of entitlement coupled with little consideration for others.[10]
Oates defines empathy as “putting oneself in another person’s place and experiencing that person’s needs as primary,” and lacking this other-centeredness is a common characteristic of narcissism.[11]
Narcissists often “belittle or look down on people” they “perceive as inferior.”[12] “As a result . . . they naturally conclude they should come first: their needs (often lavish), their image, their success,” argue Chapman, White, and Myra.[13]
According to Chandler and Fields, “Narcissistic leaders . . . blame others for their failures.”[14] They “usually have no interest in self-insight or change.”[15]
Oates agrees, saying, “The capacity for self-evaluation and self-criticism is absent.”[16] Subordinates are simply “expected to provide blind support.”[17] If employees do not act in support of the narcissist, they become “increasingly expendable,” according to Oates.[18]
The Impact on Organizations
“The capricious nature of narcissistic leaders makes them prone to conduct negative management behaviors in order to maintain their own interests and authority, which deteriorates the perception of good relationship between employees and the organization and leads to negative responses from employees that reduce their job embeddedness (Ogunfowora, 2013; Haggard and Park, 2018; Mackey et al., 2018).”
Heli Wang, Runkai Jiao, and Feifei Li, “Research on the Effect of Narcissistic Leadership on Employee Job Embeddedness,” Frontiers in Psychology 13 (July 7, 2022): 927529, https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2022.927529.
According to Wang, et. al., employees of these businesses and organizations are not as committed to their jobs. In addition, research shows that there is greater turnover, sick leave, and family difficulties where a boss is toxic.
It is evident that narcissistic leadership do not bring about the goals of an organization no matter how talented that leader is. In the end, the organization will suffer poor performance by employees and less buy-in. A Christian organization’s witness to a watching world will in turn be diminished.
It behooves us to know the signs of a narcissist and not be drawn into his pathological self-love.
Notes
[1] Langberg, “Narcissism and The System It Breeds.”
[12] Mayo Clinic Staff, “Narcissistic Personality Disorder.”
[13] Gary Chapman, Paul E. White, and Harold Myra, Rising Above a Toxic Workplace: Taking Care of Yourself in an Unhealthy Environment (Chicago: Northfield Publishing, 2014), 136.
[14] Schyns and Hansbrough, When Leadership Goes Wrong, 106.
[15] Arabi, “20 Diversion Tactics Highly Manipulative Narcissists, Sociopaths and Psychopaths Use to Silence You.”
Recently Susan, a woman who has had a very difficult life including both childhood abuse and church leadership abuse, passed along a recent post. She has given me permission to repost her blog:
Last week a therapist friend of mine wrote a post about suicide and our lack of comfort or knowledge in responding to someone who has suicidal thoughts. He said,
“We need to talk about it when we are feeling hopeless and in despair. But if we reach out, those we reach out to do not know how to respond. We need a life class on how to talk about hopelessness.”
The spring of 2017 was one of the hardest periods in my adult life. The level of stress was unbearable and I rarely had 15 minutes to myself to process. Every possible stressor hit the fan within a few weeks of each other.
In the middle of it all I witnessed a fatal wreck and was first on the scene, talking with and praying with the victims while seeing brain matter splattered down their fronts. It would be too long to go into all that was weighing on me, but I was drowning. I lost hope. I was losing my belief that God was at work.
So when our church had its occasional “member’s meeting,” with the opportunity to share, I shared. I stood up in front of the congregation and, through sobs and tears, told them that I had lost hope that life would get any better. I needed them, my church family, to remind me that God was doing something beautiful in my life because I couldn’t see it. I told them, I TOLD THEM, that I understood how people saw no solution but to end it all because the pain was just too much.
Somebody very kindly prayed for me and that was it.
After the meeting both pastors came by and, in passing, said, “Hey, Susan, thanks for sharing,” and walked off. A couple of other people said the same thing.
Nobody engaged me.
Nobody asked questions.
Nobody got closer.
I got an email the next day from a woman in the church with a “biblical counseling” degree, saying she appreciated my sharing and would be praying for me. No questions. No engagement.
But I engaged. I wrote her back a long, long email detailing the wave after wave of stress and trauma from just those few short months. I waited so eagerly to hear her response. I wanted connection so badly. For someone to see my pain.
I finally got a reply, a week later. She said she took a week to pray on how to respond. And while her response was kind, it in no way sought to engage me. And the week delay was absolutely crushing. She obviously has never experienced the horrible pain of silence.
A few days later I got an email from a man in the church. This was a super spiritual dude who had been a missionary and was about to become our church’s only elder. His email said that he had been awake with an earache and God brought me to mind and he prayed for me. Ever one to spill my guts to whoever will listen and hopeful that this seemingly sensitive man might respond, I shared the same story, full of gory details, in hope that he would understand and come alongside me.
He never responded.
Ever.
A couple of weeks later the church prayed for me during the service with one of the pastors saying that I was going through a “season of depression.” The only person who asked me about that was a friend who was visiting the church that day.
All this to say, while I have been through so much with this particular church and have major concerns about the abuse of authority within the church, the most painful thing to me was not the abuse, it was the neglect. The neglect showcased two problems:
People in general, and Christians in particular, are not equipped to deal with despair.
I have a friend who, when she was a teenager, told her youth pastor that she was contemplating suicide. He changed the subject. Pastors are trained to answer all the theological questions but are not trained to enter into one another’s suffering. And because of this, they actually contribute to the suffering.
Suffering people, people with weaknesses, are seen as extraneous to the work of the church.
I got the message loud and clear that I didn’t matter. All that mattered was “reaching the lost.” Once you are saved, who cares what kind of hell you are going through. That only takes time and energy and focus away from the real work of the church.
One of those pastors articulated this to me, saying some believe that people with struggles are actually a danger to the mission of the church. The “weak” are actually the “wolves.”
To be honest, one of the things that has kept me tethered to God through this has been reading Ezekiel 34. The fact that God sees the damage such shepherds do to the flock gives me hope.
Reading the early part of Paul’s letter to Titus is at once like sitting at a brightly lit sidewalk cafe with a freshly brewed coffee in hand and curled up in a corner in the fetal position completely depressed.
The Apostle Paul wrote to Titus (likely in Crete) nearly 2000 years ago to encourage him as he battled against false and abusive teachers in the church. It is refreshing to read what God requires of the character of a leader. But His description and often what we see in church leadership is not at all similar.
As we read the first chapter we get a taste of what leadership in the church should look like.
…if anyone is above reproach, the husband of one wife, and his children are believers and not open to the charge of debauchery or insubordination. For an overseer, as God’s steward, must be above reproach. He must not be arrogant or quick-tempered or a drunkard or violent or greedy for gain, but hospitable, a lover of good, self-controlled, upright, holy, and disciplined. He must hold firm to the trustworthy word as taught, so that he may be able to give instruction in sound doctrine and also to rebuke those who contradict it.
Titus 1:6-9
As Diane Langberg notes in Redeeming Power, “To use our power rightly in this world, we must exercise it through love, as Christ does.” [Redeeming Power, Loc. 2444] Paul’s description of leadership in the church to Titus reverberates with love.
The Forest
I am a “big-picture” guy. I like to see themes and overarching concepts as I study scripture. Yes, detail is great, but I believe scripture is particularly full of “principles” to be applied in the myriad of life events. It is the principles – like the 10 Commandments – where we find the help we need in living life on a day to day basis. It is a work of wisdom to apply God’s principles as we face the legion of decisions we make daily.
Paul’s instruction to Titus about leadership in the church has a particularly forest character: it is the big picture of Christrian character! Seeing the forest for the trees, we see in Paul’s overall instruction that a leader is loving.
Some would see the list in Titus 1 as a call to arms in taking authority in the home and squashing dissent. But it is not.
They are character traits that I have seen in numerous church leaders who I would describe as gentle, gracious, and kind. Oh, yes, they are solid as a rock theologically. But, they are first and foremost lovers of God’s people (including their family) and the world He created for His glory. They live out their theology in the way Paul instructs.
Starting in the Home
Picking the list apart, the Apostle begins in the home. Because, how the leader relates to family is often the most telling of his leadership abilities. Recently, a friend and I determined that we can be the meanest at home. There we find the full expression of our attitudes for good or bad. Maybe it is the unconditional love we get from our spouses and children that we believe gives us license to hurt.
We often find that the “charmer,” we so admired outside the home, is actually beating his wife and children in the privacy of his home.
Paul, in another place, tells fathers to not “exasperate” their children. Having children who are believers and not “open to the charge of debauchery or insubordination” is the result of a man who loves his children well. It is not bringing the hammer down on every failure, but loving the child through their faithlessness. Of course, parents are not responsible ultimately for a child’s rebellion but parents do most certainly impact their youthful attitudes. [Prov. 22:6]
In the Church
Paul’s list begins with what is visible in church leadership noting that a leader is “not arrogant or quick-tempered.” I am continually writing about “humility” because it is truly a fundamental element of godly character, particularly in leadership.
I have discovered that toxic environments in the church are so often created by individuals or a general culture that lacks humility.
There is no way for there to be peace and unity in the church or an organization without the players holding their views with humility. There will always be conflicts in theology. God has made clear the Gospel message, but there will always be clashes when it comes to particularly detailed view of ethics or doctrine.
If we do not have the humility to recognize…
that a view we hold could be wrong or
that others with good minds have reason for coming up with a differing view,
then our view will grow to be a mountain on which to die.
From the Editor of Pearls and Swine: Kelly Dehnert’s missions memoirs.Buy on Amazon.
We die on the mountain of the Gospel – that all was created good, man sinned against God, Jesus went to the cross to take away that sin, and by trusting in His work we can have eternal life – but not on the foothills.
In addition, humility helps us lay our conflict at Christ’s feet and in the Holy Spirit’s capable hands to solve.
There may be views we hold strongly and believe we must hold them unswervingly. However, sometimes we must lay it down recognizing that it is the Holy Spirit that must change hearts.
No amount of debate and argument will change a heart that God is not changing. Rest in knowing that the Lord sanctifies His children in His time and in His way. He may use our words but He may not. 2nd Timothy 2:24-26 should be the “Titus Leadership Theme Verse.”
“And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will.”
2nd Timothy 2:24-26 (ESV)
I believe Paul put “arrogant” and “quick-tempered” together for a reason. The two go together nicely. They come together to make a miserable situation.
The man who is arrogant will also tend to be quick-tempered. He thinks he is always right or is entitled and his temper is a means of getting his way. Just as we see in abusers, their anger is a way to control their situation. It is their way to create fear that the abuser may get his way. It comes from an evil heart.
Greed and Violence
The term for “violent” in Greek means “a pugnacious, contentious, quarrelsome person.” Translating it as “violent” does not capture it. Many who abuse power are not physically violent. But they are generally contenious and quarrelsome. Again, entitlement and arrogance sum it up. Being entitled and arrogant creates a pugnacious individual.
And they are self-serving – greedy. An attitude of service to others is corrupted when the motivation is to get rather than give. It is difficult to look out for the good of others when your own good is foremost in your heart.[Phil. 2:4]
We are all selfish. We are all wanting our own way. We each desire to be comfortable in our own way. But the character Paul is attributing to good leadership has, by the Holy Spirit’s sanctifying power, experienced a “dying to self” through the “mortification” (killing) of these motivations.
Hospitable, Lover of Good, Self-Control, Upright, Holy and Disciplined
Notice, each of the character traits that follow simply build upon these wonderful descriptions of a godly leader. The list provides both motivational and action character traits.
It is not acceptable to be just self-controlled when others are looking. Leaders can say the right things and even be quite amiable most of the time. However, each of these character traits have inward and outward results. Inward motivations will normally produce outward action. So, some of the traits Paul deliniates for Titus are in fact the outward results of an inner motivation.
He who is greedy will rarely be hospitable. It costs him too much.
He who is not a lover of good will rarely be self-controlled. His love of evil will drive foolishness.
Our Responsibility
Unfortunately, so many of our leaders in the church and Christian organization are mimicking the world’s leaders. Arrogant (narcissistic), violent, greedy for power, and unholy. They may put on a nice face but it is only an image they wish to market.
It is the responsibility of God’s people to choose wise and good leaders. It behooves congregations and boards to look more closely at applicants. It is wise of churches and organizations to do due diligence in the interview and vetting process.
Consider these options:
Gain access to and evaluate the applicant’s family relational dynamics.
Carefully interview those who have served under or beside the applicant.
May the church and Christian organizations raise up leaders who exemplify love and selflessness. May we feel like sitting at a brightly lit sidewalk cafe with a freshly brewed coffee in hand as we submit to these leaders.
The Allure of Toxic Leaders: Why We Follow Destructive Bosses and Corrupt Politicians–and How We Can Survive Them by Lipman-Blumen, Jean. Oxford University Press, 2004. [Get on Amazon]
Behind the Masks: Personality Disorders in Religious Behavior by Wayne Oates [Get on Amazon]
Broken Trust: a practical guide to identify and recover from toxic faith, toxic church, and spiritual abuse by F. Remy Diederich. Independently published, September 14, 2017. [Get on Amazon]
Character Assassins: Dealing with Ecclesiastical Tyrants and Terrorists by Peter Hammond and Brian Abshire. [Get on Amazon]
A Church Called Tov: Forming a Goodness Culture That Resists Abuses of Power and Promotes Healing by Scot McKnight, Laura Barringer, and Tish Harrison Warren. Carol Stream, Illinois: Tyndale Momentum, 2020. [Get on Amazon]
Churches That Abuse by Ronald M. Enroth. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 1993. [Get on Amazon]
Escaping the Maze of Spiritual Abuse: Creating Healthy Christian Cultures by Lisa Oakley and Justin Humphreys. SPCK, 2019. [Get on Amazon]
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People by George K Simon, Ph.D. 2nd ed. Little Rock, AR: Parkhurst Brothers Publishers Inc, 2010. [Get on Amazon]
Narcissism in the Church: A Heart of Stone in Christian Relationships by David Orrison, PhD.. Independently published, January 10, 2019. [Get on Amazon]
Playing God: Redeeming the Gift of Power by Andy Crouch. Downers Grove, IL: IVP Books, 2013. [Get on Amazon]
Redeeming Power: Understanding Authority and Abuse in the Church by Diane Langberg. Grand Rapids, Michigan: Brazos Pr, 2020. [Get on Amazon]
Rising Above a Toxic Workplace: Taking Care of Yourself in an Unhealthy Environment by Gary Chapman, Paul E. White, and Harold Myra. Chicago: Northfield Publishing, 2014. [Get on Amazon]
Something’s Not Right: Decoding the Hidden Tactics of Abuse–and Freeing Yourself from Its Power by Wade Mullen and Diane Mandt Langberg. Tyndale Momentum, 2020. [Get on Amazon]
Twisted Scriptures: Breaking Free from Churches That Abuse by Mary Alice Chrnalogar. Revised. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2010. [Get on Amazon]
Unholy Charade: Unmasking the Domestic Abuser in the Church by Jeff Crippen and Rebecca Davis. Justice Keepers Publishing, 2015. [Get on Amazon]
When Narcissism Comes to Church: Healing Your Community From Emotional and Spiritual Abuse by Chuck DeGroat and Richard J. Mouw. Downers Grove, Illinois: IVP, 2020. [Get on Amazon]
Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft [Get on Amazon]
How difficult is it for Christian leaders to end well? I will try not to be too cynical.
Many years ago, I attended a young adults retreat. The speaker shared with the ragtag group of college students gathered at Fort Huachuka army base that the odds are against finishing well as Christians. I don’t remember the statistics, but the warning was clear. Many Christians start their walks with the Lord with passion but the worries and cares of the world turn their hearts over the years.
Among leaders the statistics may be even more discouraging. How many leaders who start with godly desires to lead with integrity end up toxic? I am pretty good at making up statistics but won’t here.
Asa, King of Judah
Asa, the king of Judah around the turn of the 9th Century BCE, began with a noble commitment to leading Judah under the authority of Yahweh. It is written in 2 Chronicles 14:1-12 that, “Asa did what was good and right in the eyes of the Lord his God.”
Asa, with great zeal, cleared out the worship of false gods in the land. Even the “high places,” locations of worship not sanctioned by the Lord, were taken down despite often apparently justified by Judah’s leaders as places making the worship of Yahweh more accessible.
Then, more than a million fighting Ethiopians came up against Judah and Asa sought the Lord to save Judah. He knew his strategizing and smaller army could not possibly defeat such a great force.
And Asa cried to the Lord his God, “O Lord, there is none like you to help, between the mighty and the weak. Help us, O Lord our God, for we rely on you, and in your name we have come against this multitude. O Lord, you are our God; let not man prevail against you.”
2 Chronicles 14:11
Asa recognized his need. He recognized he did not have the power. Asa recognized God was the One on Whom Judah needed to rely. He knew Yahweh in reality ruled Judah, not himself.
Those are not the responses of a toxic leader who must make all things abouthimself.
God, in response, saved Judah from the hand of Ethiopia. Scripture does not even tell us how. It simply states that “the Lord defeated the Ethiopians before Asa and before Judah, and the Ethiopians fled.”
A chapter later in 2nd Chronicles, a prophet came to Asa and further encouraged him to stay the good course. The prophet explained that Asa was unique among Judah’s kings as he had turned the nation to the Lord. He had led Judah well. Azariah not only encouraged Asa in his past leadership but exhorted Asa to continue:
The Lord is with you while you are with him. If you seek him, he will be found by you, but if you forsake him, he will forsake you.
2 Chronicles 15:2
Keep it up, Asa. You can hear the tone of Azariah’s voice even. Go get ’em, Asa. Attaboy.
All that begins well…
But one chapter later, we see King Asa turning and the hand writing is on the wall.
The northern kingdom, Israel, determined to make Asa and his nation’s life miserable. Asa inexplicably turned elsewhere for help. He did not turn to the Lord despite Yahweh defeating the Ethiopian army, over a million strong, before his eyes.
What could have happened? Why did Asa turn to Syria when he had seen the Lord in action in a mighty way? Why did Asa not turn to the Lord who had proven Himself faithful when up against overwhelming odds before?
The words he would hear from a seer were not the encouraging words he heard before from Azariah.
Hanani, the seer, came to Asa king of Judah and said to him, “Because you relied on the king of Syria, and did not rely on the Lord your God, the army of the king of Syria has escaped you. Were not the Ethiopians and the Libyans a huge army with very many chariots and horsemen? Yet because you relied on the Lord, he gave them into your hand.”
2 Chronicles 16:7-8
This was bad. Judah would now be at war constantly the seer told him. Many lives would be lost because Asa refused to rely on the Lord, instead turning to men. Maybe Asa had a moment of weakness. All of us do. We all rely on ourselves or other men (women) at some point…often many points.
But it appears worse than that. Asa’s heart would be laid bare as he responds to Hanani.
Then Asa was angry with the seer and put him in the stocks in prison, for he was in a rage with him because of this. And Asa inflicted cruelties upon some of the people at the same time.
2 Chronicles 16:10
Not only does he punish the seer for telling him the truth, he turned on his own people. Scripture does not tell us what exactly Asa did to “some of the people” but it should be evident that his faithlessness had a deep impact on his leadership.
He would become toxic as he rejected God’s “headship” over his reign.
As he failed to love God, not trusting Him with leadership, he would fail to love man. He would become an abusive leader. This is the way of the toxic leader.
In Asa’s final years as King, he got some form of disease in his feet. Chronicles tells us that it became “severe.” What should have been his response? Unfortunately, it was not that. He did not rely on the Lord as he had early in his reign.
And Asa died.
It did not end well.
What are the lessons for leaders? Leaders need several things to keep them strong. And all of them are seen as weaknesses by the world:
Daily reliance on the Lord to mature and strengthen his leadership skills.
Daily recognition that the Lord is the true Leader of the organization or business or church…not him.
Reliance on subordinates to advise and challenge his failures.
Each of these requires humility. Humble yourself under the mighty hand of God and in His time He is the One who will exalt you.
And when exalted…remember where it came from.
To Africa On a Lark
a book by Pearls And Swine’s Editor
The editor of Global Missiology writes of To Africa On a Lark:. “extremely readable, with an easy to follow flow. The stories are quite engaging…The overall theme of cross-cultural adjustment, with the ‘razor’ image, comes through clearly.”
A fundamental character trait of good leaders is humility. However, many have experienced quite the opposite in their Christian organizations.
There seems to be a pervading sense of arrogance and hunger for power in our current culture, though I have no statistics to back it up nor do I know the heart of man. Though the business world has made great strides in the development of leadership models that emphasize a form of humility, the Christian community continues to struggle along with the world around them.
We continue to create more James MacDonalds, James Bakkers, Mark Driscolls, Bill Hybels, Jerry Falwell Jrs….etc.
There seems to be a love affair with leaders who thumb their noses at community and authority alike. They operate on the assumption that their way is always right and simply claim persecution when confronted.
My recent reading of Proverbs has given me a glimpse at the kind of people who should be in leadership in Christian organizations and the church. It is chock full of references to humility. And the Proverbs don’t pull punches.
Take for instance:
Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates reproof is stupid.
Proverbs 12:1
Those who don’t respond to reproof – or criticism – are stupid. I have been on a crusade lately to rid our public discourse, and mine, of words like that. But that word certainly gets to the core of the problem. The leader (or anyone else) who refuses to listen to criticism – who blows off any discussion of how they may have failed – is stupid. They are hurting themselves and hurting others. They are failing to grow and become more what the Lord wants them to be.
Toxic leaders, that are being challenged, market it as persecution. They must retain their image. They must be “right.” But Proverbs has something to say about that:
The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice.
Proverbs 12:15 (ESV)
These people see themselves as right. A toxic leader will always see themselves as right. There is no humility that would mold their response to criticism. They can’t possibly be the one in the wrong.
Dan Allendar, a Chritian psychologist, has written many helpful books. One in particular, Bold Love, discusses the “scoffer.” Scoffer is a title given to a particularly evil person in the Proverbs.
All of us are capable of doing evil things, but evil people are driven by a self-interest that is so heartless, conscious, and cruel that it delights in stealing from others the lifeblood of their soul. Often the one who delights in evil is an ordinary, unassuming person who hides behind a facade of normalcy. Few people who are evil ever appear evil, even after the evidence of their deceit, destructiveness, and hardness is exposed.
Bold Love, page 233
These are the scoffers that Allendar describes.
A wise son hears his father’s instruction, but a scoffer does not listen to rebuke.
Proverbs 13:1 (ESV)
Humility drives out self-interest. Humility answers a rebuke with…well, humility. Exhortation provides an opportunity for growth and community interconnectedness. Not power and self-interest. And in humility, the wise leader will hear it, seaking to grow as a leader and Jesus-follower.
Who are your heroes? Are they like Jesus or arrogant and power-hungry?
Let’s get on top of this. May the church nurture and hold up humble leadership.
Notes
Allender, Dan B., and Tremper Longman III. Bold Love. Colorado Springs, CO: NavPress, 2014.
Mind you, we knew we were called to our life there. But, how we got there was nearly miraculous.
It was on our early, cool morning walk in September of 2002 when my wife cut through the maze of all my struggles and fears and prayed, “God, show us what you want us to do.” A mission work to Austria we founded been started and was floundering. I was frustrated with God’s planning. What was God doing in a work that I believed to be valuable to Him?
My wife wanted the Lord to show us whereHe wanted us to be.
I wanted Him to get us to Austria.
I thought I had a great idea for the use of my gifts in short-term missions and I wanted the Lord to go along with it. I wanted the Lord to fix the Austria mission and my wife sought God’s guidance in a much bigger way.
Neither of us had any idea God’s answer would be sending us to the continent of Africa.
Thus begins the story of To Africa On a Lark. The book was written to be a readable primer for those preparing to cross-cultures on the mission field. It is not a text but a story of God’s gradual unfolding of his purposes for the Dehnert family. Through their life in Malawi, Africa the Dehnert family learned what it meant to bring a razor to open the presents that their Malawian hosts offered them.
Book by the Editor of The Pearls and Swine Site
Kelly Dehnert, Editor of Pearls and Swine, has written a book about his family’s life in Africa as missionaries. The book provides helpful insights to engaging other cultures.
What others say about the book:
[To Africa On a Lark] is extremely readable, with an easy to follow flow. The stories are quite engaging…The overall theme of cross-cultural adjustment, with the “razor” image, comes through clearly. I hope that many will read, enjoy, and benefit from your engaging string of accounts.
J. Nelson Jennings, PhD – Editor, Global Missiology – English
What a wonderful book! You have beautifully combined storytelling of your and your family’s journey and experiences with scripture, spiritual experiences, music, and observations of Malawian and Western cultures. It is a great reference for anyone working and living in Malawi or those who support programs in Malawi.
Jeanine Jackson – Former United States Ambassador to Malawi, State Department Leadership Consultant
Historians study something called ‘movement’ — how one people group becomes a different people group simply by moving into another people group. The Dehnert tribe is a perfect microcosm of ‘movement’ – and we are all better for it. This book would be helpful for anyone considering cross-cultural service. For everyone else, especially we ‘experts,’ this book is a helpful lesson in humility – learning again the limits of our learning!
Rev. Sam McDonald – Pastor, Faith Presbyterian – Brookhaven, Mississippi and Former Missionary to Malawi
Any time we minister and work in a cross-cultural context —in our churches, communities, or overseas — we have to be aware of the biases and prejudices we bring with us. Very often, almost always, we are blind to them and they keep us from sensing, learning, growing and serving because of our own pride and arrogance that we do not even know are there.
I think [To Africa On a Lark] would be helpful to anyone considering any type of meaningful engagement in a cross-cultural setting. Missions committees would benefit by the “insider perspective” it offers and could help them be more wise and thoughtful in the works they support and encourage. Also, anyone thinking about being called to missions would benefit by reading this.
Brian Carlisle – Former Headmaster and Missionary, ABCCA – Malawi, Africa
What should be second nature to Christian organizations has, in some ways, been purloined by business leadership.
Teamwork.
In the course of studying toxic leadership, I have read numerous books on business leadership that helpfully describe a positive and productive work environment. I have also interviewed many Christian organization employees and leaders who have suffered under leaders who have no interest in teamwork.
Business gurus identify various means of creating a respectful and engaging office that gets the best out of the employees. Amy Edmondson, in her excellent work, Teaming: How Organizations Learn, Innovate, and Compete in the Knowledge Economy, has many valuable things to say. I would like to take her extensive research and knowledge and place it in a biblical context.
Because that is where it belongs.
Command-and-Control
Edmondson notes near the beginning of her book, “Many organizations still rely on the top-down, command-and-control approaches that fueled growth and profitability in the industrial era.” [Edmondson: Kindle 267-268] Henry Ford’s “command-and-control” leadership worked at the time only because employees were treated as cogs in the machinery of industry. They repeated activities over and over and ran as fast as possible on a mindless wheel of production.
However, business leadership writers are seeking a brighter future for the workforce.
Teaming blends relating to people, listening to other points of view, coordinating actions, and making shared decisions.
[pages 278-279]
Edmondson’s list of teaming characteristics can give hope to Christian organizations wishing to lead their organizations to a place of flourishing. In a toxic organization or one ruled by a toxic leader, these four elements of a positive work environment are often non-existent.
When the IT director and I proposed a digital solution to the problem of printer use in my Christian mission college’s computer lab, the President of the college called me into his office. His wife, the lab’s director, had already explained to me that I was to “keep my nose out of her typing lab.” The President reiterated his wife’s nastiness and proceeded to make clear I had nothing of value to be considered.
Relationships in these organizations are usually deeply fractured. The autocrat has no interest in listening to other points of view. “Coordination” means an employee is told what to do and when to do it. And, there is no discussion or attempted agreement on decisions.
Fear and Control
To be fair, some leaders just haven’t gotten the memo and have little experience in developing these leadership skills. What they have experienced, their personality traits, and what they learned from others are more Henry Ford than a team leader.
On the other hand, some leaders “believe (most of the time, erroneously) that fear increases control. Control reinforces certainty and predictability.” [Edmondson, 508-509] An autocratic, toxic leader knows exactly what he is doing and will use fear to control all things organizational. Unfortunately, “When leaders fall into a default ‘do it my way’ management style, it silences nearly everyone except the person with the loudest voice or the largest office. [Edmondson, 1217-1219] And, a toxic leader always has the loudest voice and largest office.
If you are a leader who wants the most out of her employees, the Bible and Edmondson have much to say.
Gleaning from the Image-Bearer
Edmondson says, “When leaders explicitly communicate that they respect employees, it makes it easier for employees to volunteer their knowledge.” [Edmondson, 1233-1234] Christian organizations should want the knowledge present in their employees. God has created every man (and woman) as an image-bearer. That means they represent God and take after Him in various ways.
We are fools if we do not want to glean all we can from the database of skills and knowledge stored in our employees. The Lord said as much to Moses:
Then the Lord said to Moses, “Gather for me seventy men of the elders of Israel, whom you know to be the elders of the people and officers over them, and bring them to the tent of meeting, and let them take their stand there with you. And I will come down and talk with you there. And I will take some of the Spirit that is on you and put it on them, and they shall bear the burden of the people with you, so that you may not bear it yourself alone.
Numbers 11:16-17 (ESV)
God provided for his image-bearing servants the Holy Spirit that they were of help to Moses. They were to judge the people. Moses was going to be worn out trying to deal with all his office, as the head-honcho prophet of Israel, was throwing at him. God said, “I will come down and supply other men to help.”
We need to trust that the Lord does that with our employees as well.
Similarly, the Apostle Paul exhorted the Corinthian church to recognize the value of every member of the church. This lesson can easily be transferred to a Christian organization.
“For the body does not consist of one member but of many. If the foot should say, ‘Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,’ that would not make it any less a part of the body.”
1 Corinthians 12:14-15 (ESV)
The Lord has, in His purposeful way, provided subordinates for the good of the organization. They need to be treated as gifts rather than objects of control and abjection. The various members of our team should be treated as of equal value to our ministry.
So, how do we use employees of our organization as gifts?
Psychological Safety
We create psychological safety. This kind of environment is safe for relationships to flourish. In this kind of environment employees and bosses listen to other points of view. In this kind of environment, there is a cooperative effort to reach a goal and there is a sharing of decision making.
“When a leader of a team is supportive, coaching oriented, and nondefensive in response to questions and challenges, team members are likely to feel that the team constitutes a safe environment.”
[Edmondson, 2473-2475]
Leaders and fellow workers must respond to one another without jealousy or arrogance. They cannot act in a way that shuts down the free flow of ideas and suggestions. Trust has to be developed that ideas are welcomed and considered without harsh judgment. And, if that environment of trust is built then more challenging conversations can take place.
“Simply put, psychological safety makes it possible to give tough feedback and have difficult conversations without the need to tiptoe around the truth.” [Edmondson, 2151-2152]
When employees are psychologically safe, they do not fear broken relationships or getting fired when they disagree or present difficult ideas. There is respect and trust between members of the team. There is no jealousy.
“This belief comes about when people both trust and respect each other, and it produces a sense of confidence that the group won’t embarrass, reject, or punish someone for speaking up.”
[Edmondson, 2153-2155]
Jealousy and Gifts
One day the Lord spoke to Moses and He put His Spirit on seventy elders of Israel. The seventy prophesied, giving evidence of the blessing God had given them. They did not prophesy long. However, two men who had not gone to the tent of meeting continued prophesying in the camp. A young man, knowing the normal response of leaders to be jealousy of the successes of their subordinates, came running to Moses. He breathlessly explained to Moses the two men were prophesying.
Joshua, overhearing this exchange, was perturbed and told Moses to stop the men. He feared for Moses’ authority.
“But Moses said to him, ‘Are you jealous for my sake? Would that all the Lord’s people were prophets, that the Lord would put his Spirit on them!’”
Numbers 11:24-30 (ESV)
Moses saw the great value in the grace of God being shared with other leaders besides himself. Joshua, one of the greatest leaders of Israel, likely learned an important lesson from Moses.
Subordinates must have the freedom to share their skills and knowledge.
Not Just Allowing Gifts
It is not enough, though to simply allow others to use their abilities. It is the leader’s responsibility to help those under their care to develop their abilities. Paul commands church leaders “to equip the saints for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ…” [Ephesians 4:11-12 (ESV)] Help them grow their ministry skills, not by criticism but by encouragement. Fan their gifts to a flame.
As if taking her cue from Paul, Edmondson finishes saying, “The most successful leaders in the future will be those who have the ability to develop the talents of others.” [5043-5044]
All of this could just be a lot of law-keeping for organization heads who have no love for others.
Gospel Heart
So, having said all that has been said about building a team, I must hasten to add that real teamwork will come from the heart of man. If the leader simply follows some nice guidelines, such as the ones given by Edmondson, but miss the heart of the Gospel, it will all just be a fake.
Jesus always gets to the heart. If a leader doesn’t respect his subordinates. If the employees despise the boss. It will just be a whole lot of acting as a team but not truly functioning that way. It is imperative that the team develop an inner attitude of sharing, caring, and respect. If I put on a facade of respect for my subordinates or co-workers, they will know. It must go to my heart.
Unfortunately, the inner man is desperately foul. It takes a supernatural work of God to help us see our blind spots and respect the image of God in others. So, humbly ask for it. Realize you need it and plead with God for the mercy to see your employees as a gift.
And build a team for God’s glory.
Book by Editor of P&S
Kelly Dehnert, Editor of Pearls and Swine, has written a book about his family’s life in Africa as missionaries. The book provides helpful insights to engaging other cultures.
What others say about the book:
[To Africa On a Lark] is extremely readable, with an easy to follow flow. The stories are quite engaging…The overall theme of cross-cultural adjustment, with the “razor” image, comes through clearly. I hope that many will read, enjoy, and benefit from your engaging string of accounts.
J. Nelson Jennings, PhD – Editor, Global Missiology – English
References
Edmondson, Amy C. Teaming: How Organizations Learn, Innovate, and Compete in the Knowledge Economy. 1st ed. Kindle Version. San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass, 2012.
ESV New Classic Reference Bible. Wheaton, Ill: Crossway, 2011.
