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Tyrants Leading the Church: Seekers of Position, Role & Status

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First in a three-part series on women who were sexually abused, one of their families, and church leadership that failed to protect and care for them.

Calvin and Charlotte1 raised their daughters with what they considered a strict adherence to Biblical teaching. When their daughters exhibited concerning changes in behavior in their teen years, Calvin and Charlotte didn’t understand why and searched for ways to change their parenting.

They explained, “In our search for answers, we embraced purity culture and the ‘Vision Forum’ patriarchal teaching.” They did not realize how that would add to their daughter, Mia’s burden.

When Mia revealed that she had been sexually molested at a young age by the son of a church deacon, then later by the nephew of her childhood pastor, and raped as a young teen by two men in the another denomination (one being a youth leader), so much of what Calvin and Charlotte had failed to understand became clear.

Mia’s change in behavior at home and struggle with the church had its roots in her experience of sexual assaults.

The Spiritual Abuse Was Worse than the Sexual Abuse

It was not too late for Mia, but the church and her parents needed to respond to her struggles in light of these horrible experiences as a child. 

Unfortunately, Mia did not receive the response she so desperately needed from the church. However, Calvin and Charlotte worked through the issues with Mia, coming to learn much not only about sexual abuse, but also spiritual abuse. 

Mia’s pain runs deep and she continues to struggle with the church. The way the community responds to the report of abuse from a victim greatly impacts their healing process and the church failed miserably. Calvin and Charlotte are still hoping that the church leaders will learn from this experience and be biblically responsive in the future.

Her Story

When Mia approached the church leadership – elders who were assigned to care for her – the abuses she had received as a child were only piled on higher and deeper. Mia concluded that, “The spiritual abuse [at the hands of the church leaders] was worse than the sexual abuse.”

Mia’s husband of ten years was disengaging from their marriage so she reached out to the elders. She had remained silent about the sexual abuse by men within the church for 17 years but now shared her trauma with the elders. As her parents explained, Mia must have had a significant trust in the elders to share her story with them after hiding it in the dark so long.

It was a very important step for Mia if she was to begin healing from the sexual assault.

Not only did she share her story of abuse but, in that time of vulnerability, she confessed her own sinful responses that grew out of those horrifying experiences. Rather than a time of care and redemption, she experienced more shame from the elders. [More on this in a future blog]

In a letter to their daughter, Calvin and Charlotte said, 

“Unfortunately, your experience proved that your elders were not safe. When you told them about the state of your marriage, when you shared the details of your abuse, their response was not to protect and care. Instead, they put the burden of your circumstances back on you.“

One particular elder, when meeting with Mia, was unbelievably harsh with Mia, who had been sexually assaulted by men within the church as a child and had lost her husband and father of her children.

Mia was crying out for help, and the elder “crushed her”.

Mia recounted an exchange she had with this elder in a meeting with two elders of her church. She was humbly describing to them her lack of “Biblical maturity.” She didn’t want them to treat her like a pastor’s daughter. She told them, “I am not here” (using her hand to point up high), “but here,” (then lowering her hand to designate her “lack of maturity”). The elder responded saying, “You’re not even here Mia, you are here,” while pointing to the ground.

Piled higher and deeper.

Qualifications for Elder

In another conversation, the offending elder asked how Mia and her husband were doing following a meeting with the two elders. Mia told him that she had tried talking to her husband and it was no better. At that point she did not know her husband had been having an adulterous affair. The elder responded, “You do talk too much. . . maybe try not talking.”

At every turn the elder turned the responsibility on Mia rather than listening to and supporting her in her pain.

The other elder and church pastor should have taken their shepherding responsibilities seriously. They should have stepped in when they observed and were informed of the offending leader’s harsh and Pharisaical conduct. However, they continued to defend this elder. In addition, an investigative committee from the denomination’s regional organization seemed to suggest begrudgingly that he had failed in his shepherding.

Calvin and Charlotte continue to ask the question why no one was willing to hold the elder accountable for his unkind and hurtful behavior. What did his fellow elders stand to lose?

Form Over Substance

When Mia wrote a letter to the elders sharing her hurt, they did not respond for weeks. After not hearing anything for weeks, Mia, along with another elder brought an additional concern about the offending elder to the church board. When Mia once again received no response, she brought him up on charges to the regional committee with the hope of getting help from the denomination.

Finally responding, the elder board wrote to her saying, “Your filing judicial charges has complicated the matter,” not, “We are so sorry we have failed to support you in your incredible need.”

Rather than share the love of Christ, providing support to receive counseling for her horrible experiences in the church, they began to cross their t’s and dot their i’s. In a letter to Mia they continued to point out that she didn’t follow the church rules in how she brought to their attention the failure of the offending elder’s shepherding.

“It is clear to us that you have misunderstood the nature of personal and non-personal offenses, as well as public and private offenses. First, our Book of Discipline III.4 states, ‘Offenses are either public or private. Public offenses are those which are commonly known.‘”

Elder Board’s letter to Mia

It goes on ad-nauseum. A bunch of gobbledy-gook to distract from the issue at hand and their duties as God’s shepherds.

In addition, Mia said they “threatened to bring charges against” her for writing what she wrote. 

Calvin and Charlotte pointed out to me that they have become convinced that the elders are mostly concerned about “their position, role and status.” They are “puffed up,” as Paul warns Timothy when choosing elders (1 Timothy 3:6).2 As I read their letter and listened to descriptions of meetings with the elders, they seem to be pounding their chests, defending, and justifying their actions rather than humbly seeking to shepherd the flock.

And in their wake they are leaving deeply hurt people of whom the Lord Jesus Christ gave them opportunity to serve.

Again, in their letter to their daughter, Calvin and Charlotte said, “Men, shepherds, leaders in Christ’s body went to great lengths to make sure what truly happened was hidden and, in the process, they attacked you.” They went on to say, “[The elders] would not deal with heart issues and hid behind process.”

Where Do They Go from Here?

When the church “courts” fail to bring justice and mercy and faithfulness in the relationships they are called to provide for, protect, and love, where do you turn?

In the case of these elders, they have done nothing illegal to report to the civil authorities. However, they have clearly failed on many accounts to shepherd the flock of God and should be held accountable. Where can Mia, Calvin, and Charlotte turn to bring that accountability?

Waiting for the Lord to bring vindication certainly is a biblical option (Psalm 135:14). However, doing nothing means the elders will be allowed to continue to mistreat God’s people and diminish the church’s Gospel witness to the community. God continually calls His people to step into the melee and seek justice for the vulnerable [Isaiah 1:16, Proverbs 1:2-3].

In their case, the family has chosen to use social media. When the failures of an elder have destroyed many relationships and the complicity of his fellow leaders are compounding the problems, it is important to bring help to others who are suffering under their leadership. In order to warn others, it may mean bringing in the various types of media.

Again, speaking about leadership in the church, Paul tells his young charge, Timothy,

“Do not admit a charge against an elder except on the evidence of two or three witnesses. As for those who persist in sin, rebuke them in the presence of all, so that the rest may stand in fear.”

1 Timothy 5:19-20 (ESV)

There is a standard for “charging” an elder. When there has been a significant number of broken relationships (“two or three witnesses”) caused by the elder in question, it is time to bring it to the church – to make it public.

How far abroad is it publicized, Paul does not state. He did not have social media in that time. 

But, his letters to various churches were read widely even as they are today in our social media. In more than one place Paul brings to our attention the wickedness of specifically named early church leaders (2 Timothy 4:10, 14). Those men’s names, which appear in Scripture, have gone down in history, having been an example of foolishness and evil to the church for centuries. Those words have been read by millions, if not billions of people.

The “engagements” his words have had far outnumber the most viral post of today’s social media.

Horribly offended members of the church may choose to make known the offenses of a leader in social media, emails, news outlets, or other public places after finding no help from other church leaders. It is my recommendation that, as an advocate, you take a deep breath and walk alongside the abused member to bring accountability to the leader. You may be uncomfortable with broadcasting it far and wide, but the healing of the victims and the accountability of the leader are more important.

The primary goal is love and love demands that an erring leader is brought accountability because scripturally, a leader is held to a higher standard than congregant members (1 Peter 5, James 3:1). It is likely that this is why Scripture holds them to a higher standard. . . from his place of authority and opportunities to teach, the damage he can do goes well beyond the scope of the errors of those under his charge.

Rather than judge the traumatized, seek justice for the oppressed. 

Leaning Into Their Story

Let Calvin, Charlotte, and Mia’s story help us learn how to respond to the deep, deep hurt of those who have faced abuse. Recently, I have had numerous conversations with others who do not know how to engage with someone who has been abused.

So often the trauma from abuse has created incredible physical effects and those who have been abused will often seem crazy as they repeat themselves, mix up facts, and struggle to make sense of their experiences. It isn’t crazy; it is the physical response of the body to protect itself from further harm.

Second, leaders in the church need to learn humility, open their ears. . . and close their mouths. Had Calvin, Charlotte, and Mia’s church leaders considered Jesus’s condemning words to the Pharisees, they may have taken a breath and asked how they could help Mia instead of pulling out their church policy manual (Matthew 23 – nearly the whole chapter).

And finally, church leaders need to realize that they are held to a higher standard of behavior and when they fail over and over and show clear signs of abusive leadership, they should expect their story to go far and wide. . . as well it should.

NOTES:

1 Calvin, Charlotte, and Mia are NOT their real names. Though they were unconcerned having their names published, it is P&S’s desire that there be no distraction from their story. The church denominations that failed them have also been kept anonymous for the same reason. Their story could be told in every denomination, and indeed I have heard these stories in numerous denominations. Lest readers think this could only happen in that denomination, P&S wants them to know it IS happening in their denomination.

2 1 Timothy 3:2-3 says an elder should be of “good behavior, hospitable, able to teach; not given to wine, not violent, not greedy for money, but gentle, not quarrelsome due to the power he possesses.” Several of the items listed by the Apostle Paul are pointed at how the leader is to relate to others. Hospitable, gentle, not quarrelsome, not authoritarian. If a man has significant difficulties with these, he is not qualified to lead in the church.

Going Back to Abuse: What In the World Just Happened?

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One of the great [supposed] mysteries of abusive relationships is why a victim continues to return to their abuser? What is it that drives a survivor of domestic violence back to the scene of the crime multiple times?

One survey of domestic abuse survivors discovered that on average, victims return to their abusers 6.3 times.

“How Survivors Have Left an Abuser for Good,” n.d., https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/escaping-violence/how-survivors-have-left-an-abuser-for-good.

Why does she do that?

We might be asking ourselves a similar question:

Why do we do stay under abusive leadership in Christian organizations?

There is a significant difference between being married and serving under a toxic boss in the workplace. But, for those who serve in Christian ministries, there may be some similarities that make it particularly hard to leave an abusive leader behind.

The following are some of the reasons given by domestic violence experts for why a victim returns to her abusive partner. And for each, how these same reasons pop up within the toxic workplace.

Number 1

  • “The victim feeling that the relationship is a mix of good times, love and hope along with the manipulation, intimidation and fear.”[2]

There are at least a couple ways to look at this when staying with a toxic leader.

First, we know that the Lord turns evil into good on a regular basis. He is gracious in that way.

Unfortunately, we sometimes stick it out, living in fear and suffering because we have a false understanding of suffering for Christ. We might think we are “suffering for Christ” and thinking we have a duty to stay.

It is important to remember firstly that when God’s people are told they may suffer for the Lord and should remain in that place of suffering, it is normally in the context of having no other option.

  • Being a Christian means we do not deny Him to the world…and that can bring persecution and suffering. (2 Tim. 2:12) We cannot leave the world and so must suffer for Jesus because we are His people.
  • Also consider Peter’s call to slaves in 1 Peter 2:18f. Peter tells them to hang in there with a good attitude. Where did they have to go? They could not simply quit their jobs. In addition, Peter goes on through the end of his letter talking generally about suffering as a Christian. Again, this suffering was unjust and due to being stuck in their circumstances.

An employee of a Christian organization is not stuck in his place like a slave or a Christian in the first century suffering under a government that outlawed Christianity. Just as Jesus, Paul, and Peter provide examples of fleeing from suffering, we have that option when facing off with a toxic leader. [See Jn. 12:36, Acts 9:23-25, 12:6-17]

Secondly, many feel that the good times outweigh the bad. They continue to look back on their ministry with rose-colored glasses and see all the good they believe they have done. They fail to see all the trauma that it is causing them in the now. They may not realize that every spiritual and emotional wound they suffer carries a bag full of physical effects – negatively changing neural pathways, creating unfounded fears and illnesses from the stress. [See this blog]

It is like the frog who is being boiled. It starts out cold and the progressive increase in temperature is so gradual it is imperceptible to the frog. In the end, he boils to death. So, the one who continually looks back or forward through lenses that make it impossible to see the evil being done to them and others.

Unfortunately, over time, those who remain committed to these toxic leaders find their spiritual, emotional, and physical lives chipped away. Often, when they finally jump out of the pot they despise missions, Christian organizations, the church, or even Christ.

Number 2

  • “Nowhere Else to Go. In a survey on DomesticShelters.org, 43 percent of respondents said they returned to an abuser after finding out their local domestic violence shelter could not accommodate them. Lack of having somewhere to go (e.g. no friends or family to help, no money for hotel, shelter programs are full or limited by length of stay)”

The variation on this for the employee of a toxic Christian organization is that they have no other job prospects or they fear the shame of returning from the mission field.

This, combined with number 1, can be deadly to the Christian.

It is scary to step out of what you have become accustomed. It was maybe your dream job when you got it, and to admit seeming defeat is frightening.

Be assured, joining a Christian organization is almost always a shock. The red flags are not always visible and rarely are we particularly open to seeing them when looking for a job. It is extremely hard to believe that Christian leaders can be so wicked.

My own parents saw the toxins much sooner than I did in our Christian ministry.

It is important to remember that the Lord has taken you, led you, and provided for you in the past and He can in the future. If this job is causing mental, spiritual, and physical health problems, then trust the Lord and get out.

Number 3

  • “Fear...Domestic violence is rooted in a desire to control another individual through coercion or threats. An abuser may tell the survivor that if they don’t come back home, the abuser will find them and harm or kill them, their children, their extended family or their beloved pets.” 

This is really a variation on number 2. Employees feel trapped in that they know they will not receive a good reference if they leave the organization. Again, they fear being back in the chase for a job…and do so without a good reference from their abusive boss.

Unfortunately, this can be a real problem. Yet, again we have to remember who is in control of our future. Does the Lord know the mess you are in? Yes. Does He care that you are in that mess? Yes. Can He rescue you and bring you to a land of milk and honey? Absolutely.

Trust Him. Get out. Quick.

Number 4

  • “Psychological Control or Brainwashing. Many abusers use these tactics, which may also be called emotional abuse or coercive control, in order to convince the survivor that the only person who can truly love them or keep them safe is the abuser.”

One toxic organization variation on this one is the development of image. Common to most toxic organizations is the leader’s image building. The leaders will go to great lengths to build up the image of the organization in the minds of anyone who will listen.

And it is likely you have thirsted for that koolaid in your pride of ministry. You wanted to hear how great your ministry was…especially compared to other ministries. You soaked up their boasts.

Leaders say such things as, “We do ministry the best of them all” or “God has specially blessed us in ways other ministries just don’t have” are said over and over until they truly believe their own press.

And you have likely believed the press as well. I remember coming to that realization after six years with our organization. I found myself constantly comparing our wonderful ministry with others.

But, remember, a toxic organization is not particularly blessed. Nor does it do ministry the best of them all. In fact, they are the worst. There really are organizations out there that practice love and integrity with all their stakeholders.

Wouldn’t you rather be part of that?

Get Out. Now.

I can say this because I finally did. But, I know how difficult it really is.

It took me years to get it. I didn’t listen to others. I found great pride in my organization. I couldn’t imagine doing anything else.

Each of the above reasons why a survivor continues to return to her abuser were true of me staying in my organization.

But, it is not too late. Honestly evaluate the benefits of the trauma you are facing and horrendous witness to Christ your organization is displaying.

And get out. Now.

NOTES

[1] “How Survivors Have Left an Abuser for Good,” n.d., https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/escaping-violence/how-survivors-have-left-an-abuser-for-good.

[2] “NCADV | National Coalition Against Domestic Violence,” accessed March 7, 2022, https://ncadv.org/why-do-victims-stay.

All Abuse Ravages Victims: My Eye is Wasted from Grief

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https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/kelly-dehnert/episodes/All-Abuse-Ravages-Victims-How-Does-Emotional-Abuse-Devastate-e2988d3

It all comes together.

Abuse. Devastates. People.

Not just the abuse that involves hitting. But abuse in all its forms – physical, emotional, and spiritual.

I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love,
because you have seen my affliction;
you have known the distress of my soul,
8 and you have not delivered me into the hand of the enemy;
you have set my feet in a broad place.
9 Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am in distress;
my eye is wasted from grief;
my soul and my body also.
10 For my life is spent with sorrow,
and my years with sighing;
my strength fails because of my iniquity,
and my bones waste away.

Psalm 31:7-10 (ESV)

David suffered from his own sin (vs. 10) and the sin of others as well (vss. 7-8). I want to focus on the sin of others as David presents it and the affects on him as God’s child.

David was a man of war. He had many enemies.

But, he wrote that it wasn’t just enemies who lived across geographical boundaries that sought to kill him. There were those who sought his destruction through emotional violence (their words) as noted in Psalm 55.

His speech was smooth as butter,
yet war was in his heart;
his words were softer than oil,
yet they were drawn swords.

Psalm 55:21 (ESV)

These were enemies who he considered at one time to be his friends. And their abusive words deeply wounded David.

The Affects of Abuse

Those who seek to downplay the affects of emotional or spiritual abuse as opposed to those of physical abuse fail to understand the full witness of Scripture. They minimize what the Bible does not minimize. It is evident in Scripture that the wounds caused by all types of abuse are injurious to the person spiritually, emotionally, and physically.

Those who have been emotionally abused can almost always point to physical affects in their lives. It is customary to discover physical ailments in those who have been psychologically abused by bosses at work and husbands or wives in the home. It is the norm, not the exception.

In fact, David makes it clear that the wounds of emotional and spiritual abuse deeply impact the physical well-being of man and so are physically ruinous. It is our failed Western thinking, not the Bible, that has created a dichotomy between the spiritual and physical. This dichotomy has made for war between the Bible and psychology (and neurological sciences) in many cases.

“Bullying [abuse] has shown effects on the victims’ mental and physical health, resulting in concentration problem, headache, sleep disturbance, and altered eating habits and timings.”

Mariam Ciby and R.P. Raya, “Exploring Victims’ Experiences of Workplace Bullying: A Grounded Theory Approach,” Vikalpa: The Journal of Decision Makers 39, no. 2 (June 2014): 75.

Interesting, it seems like I read that in the Psalms (Ps. 102).

I interviewed a young woman several years ago who suffered under a toxic pastor/boss. She worked in the women’s ministry for the church for several years. She described her experience this way:

“I was under so much stress that I was having migraines every two out of three days and throwing up in the middle of staff meetings. I developed an autoimmune condition and insomnia. I ended up in counseling for depression. Now that I am in my new position, I find it very hard to connect emotionally with anyone at church. My new boss is a good, godly man, but because of my last experience, I am still walking on eggshells. I am afraid to make a decision about almost anything, personal or professional. I still struggle with depression and insomnia and I have nightmares about my old boss several times a month.”

Jackie

There was no physical abuse involved in Jackie’s experience. But she was beat up by a toxic leader and suffered physical ailments from his emotional abuse.

Making Much of Emotional Abuse

I often hear individuals, either in person or on blogs, complain about making much of emotional abuse. Generally these folks either lack empathy or are suspicious of empathy as some kind of soft-headedness that is inappropriate for Christians.

But “love your neighbor as yourself” means ethically that you seek to treat others as you wish to be treated. Turning this around, you have a feeling of what others must feel and do not want it for yourself.

“According to the Oxford English Dictionary the word empathy was first employed in 1922, when a need arose to translate a German word in the field of aesthetics (einfurlang, ‘to feel in’). The original intent of the word empathy was to convey how projecting oneself into a work of art (painting, sculpture, theater) would enable a viewer to appreciate better the creation being observed…Empathy, ‘to feel in,’ therefore, was intended to be an advance over old-fashioned concepts such as sympathy or compassion, which mean only ‘to feel or to suffer with.’”

Friedman, Edwin H. (2007-02-01). A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix (Kindle Locations 2501-2503). Church Publishing Inc.. Kindle Edition.

Friedman was not particularly fond of being empathetic. He encouraged a certain stand-offishness to those who suffered so that you might remain rational and unaffected, making decisions devoid of emotions. [see Self-Differentiation: Standing with Wisdom]

However, the Word does not give us that pass.

Team Minimizer

What do David’s words mean—his “body” and “soul” “waste away?” It is important for us as Christians to understand the effects of abuse psychologically because the study involved in this discipline has helped us understand these words. It is the study of the brain (that is relatively new) that has brought it to light. If we have empathy we can grapple with the suffering that abuse of all types causes its victims and respond effectively.

Victims are impacted in every part of their person by all forms of abuse. Emotional, spiritual, physical – all types of abuse traumatize the whole person. Emotional and spiritual abuse change the brain’s functioning. And it is not supposed to be that way. It is contrary to how we were made (Gen. 1 and 2).

If you have been part of the team “Minimizer,” please reconsider your playbook. Consider how you want to be treated, and work for the protection of those who are being treated that way.



When the Church Gets It Right: Janice’s Story

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Generally, positive stories about how the church responds to abuse are far and few between. It may be because bad news travels much faster than good. But, I would guess that there just are not as many good responses as there are bad.

Janice was married to an abusive pastor. They attended seminary together and the wives of the future pastors were told that they should never tell others bad things about their pastor husbands. It can create trust and respect issues among the congregant members.

Marriage books and conferences speak often to this topic. Wives (and husbands) are normally encouraged to keep bad things to themselves. It is one of the ways you love your spouse these books and speakers say.

All Bets are Off

The problem comes when that spouse is abusive or a philanderer. Then, those bets are off. It took several years and a period of counseling for Janice to realize she needed to share her story with friends.

She had begun questioning if her faith was a sham. As her husband preached on Sunday morning, she would “mostly tune him out.” When he served communion, she would come up “with an excuse to leave.” Was God really there? Everyone loved her husband. He was a great preacher. But it didn’t seem to her to jibe with the loving God she knew.

One elder noted “his duplicit[ous] and deceitful behavior between what he preached from the pulpit and his personal and family behavior.”

When she threatened to talk to the elders, Janice had been told over and over by her abusive husband, “You think those men will believe you…do you think they care?” She had become accustomed to be called a “worthless piece of shit.” It became difficult to really know what God thought of her after her husband’s years of lies about her.

When a target of abuse finally admits to the brokenness of her home to a church’s leadership, often it goes south at this point in their story. The leaders often do not want to see the abuse and will seek to protect their well-loved pastor. They fear scandal and a loss of giving to the church or organization.

Often, the fellow leaders become complicit in the abuse.

The Church at its Best

However, Janice experienced the church at its best. The elders began doing all they could to help her and sought to help her pastor husband with his alcoholism and abuse. After these shepherding attempts did not bear fruit, the full elders’ council was brought together to hear the story.

When you get a whole leadership team together, normally there will be naysayers who will take the side of the abuser, despite the instruction of Deuteronomy 22 –

If in the open country a man meets a young woman who is betrothed, and the man seizes her and lies with her, then only the man who lay with her shall die. But you shall do nothing to the young woman; she has committed no offense punishable by death. For this case is like that of a man attacking and murdering his neighbor…

Deuteronomy 22:25-26

You BELIEVE the woman. There were no witnesses to the abuse in this passage, and the LORD tells Israel in essence, “Believe the woman and hold the man accountable.” Even when a woman has evidence of unfaithfulness or abusive behavior, many people will question the veracity of her claims.

Doing Good

However, these elders wrapped their arms around Janice, believed her story, and sought to serve her needs while ministering to her abusive, pastor husband.

One elder said, “We told him if he did not accept our offer of treatment…that we would ask for his resignation.” In the end, the pastor failed to fulfill the requirements and was asked to resign.

“His sermons were filled with the need to hold onto God’s grace as the believer seeks restoration, forgiveness through restoration. Yet his pronouncements from the pulpit were contrary to his abusive behavior towards his spouse.”

Janice’s elder

As Janice’s elders, they took their shepherding responsibilities seriously, doing everything in their power to help her and seek accountability for their pastor:

  • They believed her. Janice said incredulously, “They believed me. They didn’t throw me out into the street with my kids.”
  • They listened to her concerns that if they told the congregation, she would be in danger emotionally, physically, and financially. So, to this day they have kept her secret for her safety though they have every right to report it to the church.
  • They provided rent for Janice and her children for several months.
  • They provided money for counseling for her and her children.
  • They provided a leave of absence for the pastor and encouraged him to get counseling.
  • When he refused their loving help, they held him accountable and required his resignation.

Read the Manual

Janice’s church leadership read the manual on caring for the abused!

Later, Janice moved to a community a distance away and her new church also took her family in and provided for Janice and her children’s counseling.

Two churches who understood abuse, helping the hurting, and holding the abuser accountable…despite her husband being a well-known and respected preacher. What a story!

These stories are few but they help us know from the survivor’s perspective what is most helpful rather than just what not to do. Our churches need to take heed:

  • Make it clear that the leaders are safe with whom to share these kinds of brokenness…and make sure they truly are safe. One friend of Janice’s brought charges of her husband’s (an elder in another church) infidelity and abuse to the church leadership and they excommunicated her for slander. Unfortunately, this is not uncommon.
  • Help the victim escape the violence whether emotional, physical, spiritual, or financial.
  • Seek ways to provide confidential counseling or support groups for targets of abuse.

God is Good

When asked what provided the most healing for her, Janice suggested the following:

  • She hung out in the Psalms. The psalmists speak deeply to the oppressed.
  • She focused on reading verses that promise that God sees and will take care of the downtrodden.
  • She said, “I am clinging to the verses about beauty from ashes.”
  • She remembers what Satan (and her ex) meant for evil, God can use for good. 
  • She recommends Scott Sauls’ book, “A Gentle Answer.” Janice said, “When I wanted to respond with the intention of hurting him, there was so much in that book that spoke to my heart…that changed my heart. My daughters read it too and it greatly helped them.”
  • Janice fed on God’s deep and abiding love for her as His chosen child. She remembered that she is a daughter of the King!
  • She sought out the truth that God speaks, and ignored her abuser’s lies.
  • Janice also mentioned, “When I was in sin or in a horrible pattern, these two [elders] and their wives, and my Counselor held me accountable.”

Janice noted that she and her children (some still in the house and some grown) have many sweet times together now. When before they tended to do their own thing and hang out by themselves in their own rooms, they now get together and share their stories and what they are learning from their counseling sessions.

When Janice and I finished our conversation I asked her if she had anything more to say. She said, “I finally feel like I’m at a point now where sharing isn’t a form of revenge.”

She has come a long way in forgiving her ex-husband, though he remains unrepentant and has never asked for it. That forgiveness took much time and effort, but it has brought much peace to her life.

Janice hopes that her story can help someone. She explained, “Maybe I could be a listening ear…encourager.”

Beauty from ashes.

John & Susan: The Power of Pastor

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I sat down with John and Susan over coffee to hear their story. I had heard parts of it before they were done passing through the fire. Now, over two years later, it was time to hear the whole story of abusive church leadership and see the healing that had taken place in their lives.

John and Susan [not their real names] were attendees of a church-plant in a large city. The pastor was known for his hospitality and clear vision. John noted the common traits of a church-planting pastor he read somewhere:

  • Top of their class in seminary
  • Coming from the world of business
  • Great at planning and executing those plans
  • Rarely good at pastoral care

The Trouble Begins

Trouble began when John questioned one of the pastor’s budget plans during a church meeting. He apparently was perceived as a threat and John felt like the pastor “shut him down.” Following the pastor’s angry outburst at his wife at a church event, several men in the church scheduled a meeting with him to encourage the pastor to seek counseling. It was apparent to them there was some level of emotional abuse happening in the home.

They planned to encourage him and his wife to seek counseling and continue in his ministry. In this initial meeting, with his wife present, the pastor agreed to seek marriage counseling. However, the men got a feeling from the pastor and his wife that they were “going some place they shouldn’t go . . . stepping over a line.” John continued to feel that the pastor believed John was questioning his God-given authority.

Three or four months later, John met with the pastor to try to clear the air. In that meeting the pastor suggested John and the other men’s confrontation was against Jesus’ principles outlined in Matthew 18. In addition, he applied the passage to an email John sent to him that included the others as recipients when asking for the original meeting. The pastor said the email was “something someone would do in a corporate setting, copying others in . . . he felt very threatened by that move.”  John said, “It doomed me. That night was when I started to question what was happening.”

Rejection from Leadership

The pastor’s anger at the men became more and more apparent as the church moved from being a “mission” to a “particularized” church. At that time, men in the church were nominated for leadership positions as elders and then went through training. At the end of the training, the pastor chose those whom he wished to have on the board.

John was not chosen for leadership even though, during the training, he humbly admitted to the pastor his need to approach confrontations with more sensitivity. The pastor put the responsibility for the decision (of rejecting him for leadership) on another pastor that was overseeing the process.

John was deeply hurt by the rejection, but his family continued to minister in the church, leading a bible study and doing outreach. However, when an assistant pastor was hired by the church, he joined John’s home Bible study. Later, John believed the pastor was intending to replace John with the assistant.

John and Susan took a year hiatus from leading the small group Bible study and the assistant did step in as leader. John and Susan sought permission to begin a new group. It was to be a group that included teenagers. The pastor and elders refused to allow the start of the group, suggesting John was not a good teacher – though it was his profession – and others would not want teens in the group.

John and Susan requested a meeting with the pastor. In that meeting, survey data from when he led the group before, was brought out. It was from a year and a half before. The pastor showed him parts of the survey in “isolation” that included “inadequate leadership.” John realized he needed to “stay in his box or die.”

When it became apparent John and Susan had little opportunity to use their gifts in the church, they determined it was best to move on. When resigning their membership, John and Susan asked for an “exit interview” with the Elders. However, the elders “shamed” them rather than seeking to know why they were leaving the church. The pastor was particularly “aggressive,” John said.

Over a period of four or five years, several assistants to the pastor “abruptly” left the church. One of the assistant’s wife has “rejected the faith” following their tenure at the church.

John’s assumption is that these assistants, who he assumed were pushed out, “questioned the pastor’s authority and were not operating inside his box.” Each time an assistant would leave, the pastor would speak very “negatively about them and their performance…not meeting his expectations.”

Healing

The move to another church was a slow and tentative process. John was very hesitant to commit to another church body and to put himself “out there…to be vulnerable in any sort of way.” They went to several churches and he said it “almost felt better to keep shopping” which he has never done. “It felt comfortable to be in that role and stay detached.”

John and Susan wondered what it would be like to “dredge” up the story once again when I asked them to tell it. However, John said, “It doesn’t feel as personal now.” He has since seen the hand of God working in and through them as they began attending a church with humble leaders. It was very apparent that significant healing has taken place now that they have a safe place to be.

Some Thoughts

  • John’s story involved spiritual abuse where scripture, usually taken out of context, is used to beat down and control others. The pastor shifted the blame of his behavior to others as he suggested they didn’t approach him according to scripture. However, he didn’t take into account the Apostle Paul’s challenge to leaders in 1 Timothy 5:19-20 as having great responsibility for their behavior. In that passage, there is no mention of one-on-one confrontation. Rather than humble himself before them, admit his wrong, seek help for his abusive behavior, he criticized his counselors’ behavior.
  • On the whole, the congregation values the community the pastor has created so highly, they overlook his deep moral failing. This is not unusual. It is likely the number one reason corporations keep abusive managers or churches their authoritarian pastors is they have gifts and talents the organization feel they cannot do without. Unfortunately, research suggests in the long run, abusive leaders destroy rather than build effective organizations.
  • Had the pastor been humble, he would have sought out the various views of others when making decisions regarding the church. Rather, he clearly wanted “yes-men” in his chamber. One toxic pastor I met asked his board to resign so he could replace them with his own chosen elders.
  • Unfortunately, the pastor is yet to be brought up on charges at the denominational level. I am praying now that members in the church will recognize his destructive behavior and bring it before leaders in the denomination. But, unfortunately, this rarely happens. Until clear evidence is brought forward, much like in a domestic violence case, the “court” will fail to convict the perpetrator and allow the church to suffer further violence.

Consider sharing your story. These are intended as a means for understanding abuse of leadership and how we can get out of it, get on with it, and heal.

Imprecatory Praying: The Mercy of Destruction

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Our CEO’s wife was a bear. She bragged how she would run off roommates in college so she could have the room to herself. She had not changed in the ensuing years.

On the other hand, her husband was rather charming. You mostly knew where you stood with her—in the doghouse. But, her husband? He manipulated circumstances with great skill. 

There are times when a Christian struggles with what kind of attitude he should have towards a boss who seems quite beyond the reach of the Gospel.

Maybe the boss is unwilling to see his evil behavior. Maybe the power differential between the boss and subordinate makes it non-condusive to confronting the boss’ sin. Maybe attempts have been made to bring reconciliation in the relationship and failed miserably. In fact, maybe the attempts made it even worse.

Christians read the Psalms and find statements that seem to conflict with the open-hearted, mercy-oriented, forgiveness-driven Gospel we preach from our pulpits. King David, a man after God’s own heart, says,

For it is not an enemy who taunts me—
then I could bear it;
it is not an adversary who deals insolently with me—
then I could hide from him.
But it is you, a man, my equal,
my companion, my familiar friend.
We used to take sweet counsel together;
within God’s house we walked in the throng.
Let death steal over them;
let them go down to Sheol alive;
for evil is in their dwelling place and in their heart.

Psalms 55:12-15 (ESV)

Imprecatory Psalms

Psalm 55 is among the Psalms called “imprecatory.” These Psalms are those that call for the destruction of or curses upon the enemy of the writer. An article on the Bible Gateway website lists Psalms 5, 10, 17, 35, 58, 59, 69, 70, 79, 83, 109, 129, 137, and 140 as imprecatory Psalms.[1]

One commentary on the imprecatory Psalms said, “These prayers awaken the conscience to the human cry for redress, the cosmic demand for moral order and justice. They can lead one to feel as deeply as one ought the horrendous insult to Yahweh and his creation perpetrated by those who lie and cheat and kill and abuse and blaspheme . . .These prayers awaken that outrage, which is to be offered to God and which motivates to redemptive action.“

Discomfort with Judgment

When I have spoken with Christian employees about Psalm 55, they were clearly uncomfortable with the judgmental character of it. Even among theologians there is obvious discomfort. More often than not, the words of David are ignored or downplayed and it is suggested we should pray for evil people to be redeemed—not destroyed.

It was not until serving under a toxic boss and doing research into the dynamics of abuse that I began to understand the imprecatory Psalms.

In Matthew 7, Jesus calls those who do not respond well to confrontation “pigs,” and suggests silence rather than confrontation. David, in Psalm 55, takes it a step further, praying for the judgment and destruction of his enemies. He says, with apparent assurance, “But you, O God, will cast them down into the pit of destruction.”[2]

A Familiar Friend

To many who have suffered under toxic leadership, David’s struggle is very familiar as it was for my wife and me. David noted that his enemy is not an unknown person. He is David’s friend. David calls him “my equal, my companion, my familiar friend.”[3]

David says he could have tolerated “oppression and fraud,” however “what incurs his wrath is the treachery of a trusted friend.”[4] The psalmist explains it was not an adversary who oppressed him, but an individual with whom he took “sweet counsel together.”

The word counsel “implies intimacy,” according to The New Strong’s Exhaustive Concordance of the Bible. Donald Guthrie says, David “had known unity of heart” with this friend “as they worshipped God” together.[5]

Some of those with whom I have spoken believed they had good relationships with their leader. Many worshiped, worked, recreated, and socialized with their leader. The Christian organization is sometimes a family-like setting. Often the mission station is a tight-knit group living communally.

Adam, a missionary in Africa, believed his relationship with the CEO was professional, but he also recalled being taken to dinner and enjoying family outings together. Graham said, “We really, really thought we were a Christian family.” My family went on vacations, to dinner, concerts, and to church with our leaders.

When abuse became apparent, the participants were often surprised and confused by the dysfunction in the organization. They, like abuse victims Lundy Bancroft describes, were perplexed by the cruelty displayed by these “friends.”[6]

However, like some commentators, the participants were hesitant to pray as David prayed in their situation. Guthrie said David was God’s “anointed king” and so had a get out of jail free card. He distinguished his circumstances from normal relational conflict. Yet, the Psalms were sung in worship by all Israel, not just David.

Graham, an one of my interviewees, specifically sought to keep such thoughts of “adversary” or “enemy” out of the team’s thinking as he and other employees went through the steps of confrontation with the CEO. To this day he refuses to use this terminology. I heard about a well-known pastor’s experience when an elder in his church was creating division and strife. People were praying for the pastor and the elder died unexpectedly. But, the pastor was unwilling to suggest it was due to God’s judgment.

The Prerogative of a Sovereign God

However, one of the commentators on Psalm 55, Gerhard Vos, believes it is appropriate to ask for God’s judgment on evil. He says, “The total destruction of evil . . . is the prerogative of the sovereign God.” Some consider it “loving” to refrain from praying for the destruction of an evil person. But, it is important to consider not only the perpetrator, but his victims.

How loving is it to suggest the diabolical one keep reaping destruction on his followers? Is it not more loving to look out for those under his oppression—a perspective that God seems to lean heavily towards in His Word—rather than in any way supporting the abuser? Even when a deeply, unrepentant, evil person repents, it is likely the abuse will continue for some time while God sanctifies him.

Vos goes on to say,

“It is right not only to pray for the accomplishment of this destruction, but even to assist in effecting it when commanded to do so by God himself.”[7]

The Ethical Problem of the Imprecatory Psalms

“Assisting” in the destruction, as Vos suggests, may mean seeking his firing. Or calling him to account before others. The final steps of the Matthew 18 principle of confrontation involve group confrontation and shame. This may be the only way others will find relief from his abuse. 

This is loving!

There is a clear distinction in scripture between those who continually refuse repentance and those who have a “heart of flesh” that is teachable. There is a time when trying to “work with someone” comes to an end and public disgrace is necessary to bring justice to the broken-hearted.

This is God-given direction for confronting evil: Praying that God’s mercy will save those suffering from the destruction of the evildoer and doing all in our legitimate power to stop the abuse.

NOTES

[1] “Imprecatory Psalms,” Biblegateway, accessed March 14, 2017, https://www.biblegateway.com/resources/asbury-bible-commentary/Imprecatory-Psalms.

[2] Psalm 55:23.

[3] Psalm 55:13.

[4] Guthrie et al., The New Bible Commentary, 485.

[5] Ibid., 486.

[6] Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?, 68.

[7] Gerhard Vos, “The Ethical Problem of the Imprecatory Psalms,” 135.

#MeToo & God’s Anointed

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As more and more people come forward to publicly renounce leaders who have abused their positions of power through sexual harassment, perversion, and molestation, there is a growing freedom to confront this evil.

“On October 5, 2017, The New York Times published a series of allegations against producer Harvey Weinstein from women who claimed that he sexually harassed them…Shortly after the bombshell report about Weinstein, the hashtag #MeToo, intended to demonstrate the prevalence of harassment and assault within our culture, went viral on social media.”[1]

The sexual escapades of powerful people are sometimes closely linked to toxic leadership as Graham, a manager in a global mission organization, found out. He was fired after confronting the founder for sexually harassing many women in his mission.

After the confrontation of the founder of the organization with two other high-profile Christian leaders, the founder went to his office, got on the phone, and began blackballing Graham to associates across America. When he was finally fired after the events described below, he spent two years looking for work in ministry.

Expecting the Best

Graham and his cohorts expected the leader to be humble and receive their loving recommendations to seek counsel. Like John (upcoming blog), they were expecting the founder to see their confrontation as a lifeline out of his sinful behavior. They recommended he take a leave of absence for counseling, while retaining his position as CEO. Yet, the founder rejected their counsel, denying any wrong-doing.

When the board got involved, they voted to fire the founder. However, a political leader who was a major donor to the organization, threatened to withdraw his support if they followed through with the firing. So, instead, the board fired Graham and retained the founder. Emboldened by the board’s actions, the founder fired nearly 40 other employees who had expressed concern about the leader’s behavior.

After nearly 10 years, another round of courageous women came forward with their stories and the board finally took action. They fired the founder and, according to Graham, the founder went down the street and started a new organization.

God’s Anointed

Graham said, people would say to him, “Who [are you] to be going up against God’s chosen?” He complained, “That was thrown at me a lot.” He went on to explain that supporters and leaders of projects from around the country believed the organization’s founder “totally.” He said,

“The facts really didn’t matter at all. Anybody you talked to had a way of dismissing those facts whether it was based on [the founder’s] description of the women – one woman was simply too ugly to harass – or you know, those kinds of things. People would say, ‘I’ve talked to [the founder] about these women, and this is what he said, and that’s the fact and so you need to be under submission.'”

Often leaders of Christian organizations are called “God’s chosen” or “anointed.” Though God gives men positions of authority,[2] man’s authority is never ultimate, as discussed in another blog. Their failures at times result in authority legitimately being stripped from them.

As 1 Timothy 5 notes, leaders can in fact be confronted and rejected from their places of power. Paul makes this very clear as he calls on the Galatians to challenge authorities who fail to lead the sheep well. Consider his comments in chapter two:

“But when Cephas [Peter] came to Antioch, I opposed him to his face, because he stood condemned. For before certain men came from James, he was eating with the Gentiles; but when they came he drew back and separated himself, fearing the circumcision party. And the rest of the Jews acted hypocritically along with him, so that even Barnabas was led astray by their hypocrisy. But when I saw that their conduct was not in step with the truth of the gospel, I said to Cephas before them all, ‘If you, though a Jew, live like a Gentile and not like a Jew, how can you force the Gentiles to live like Jews?’” Galatians 2:11-14 (ESV)

Paul argues against leaders in the church called “Judaizers” and calls on the Galatians to live in freedom from their warped [non]Gospels. When considering the whole of scripture, it is important to remember no man is above his responsibility to the Lord and those under their authority may be required to call them to account. Those who suffer the abuse of leaders, who wreak havoc on their subordinates, are called to freedom.

NOTES:

[1] https://www.teenvogue.com/story/sexual-harassment-assault-allegations-hollywood-music-entertainment

[2] 1 Peter 2:13-14 (ESV) Be subject for the Lord’s sake to every human institution, whether it be to the emperor as supreme, or to governors as sent by him to punish those who do evil and to praise those who do good.