There is often a significant difference between the short-term and the long-term.
We see our oppressors (as the Bible calls them) winning the battle. Their violence goes unpunished. Their manipulation continues to create more supporters and greater isolation.
They arrogantly assume they have the upper hand. And in the short-term, they do.
Church leadership says, “It’s her story against his.”
Business leadership says, “He just doesn’t buy into our vision.”
The organization’s board says, “He is tough, but he gets the job done.”
None of them realize the damage that is being done. And the abuser continues to win the day.
So said Asaph in Psalm 73. The song writer gives a 3000 year old account of the sufferings of those under abuse in the home, workplace, and organization. He is frustrated by the evil he sees and the seeming hopelessness he finds to be his daily existence.
For I was envious of the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked. For they have no pangs until death; their bodies are fat and sleek. They are not in trouble as others are; they are not stricken like the rest of mankind. Therefore pride is their necklace; violence covers them as a garment. Their eyes swell out through fatness; their hearts overflow with follies. They scoff and speak with malice; loftily they threaten oppression. They set their mouths against the heavens, and their tongue struts through the earth. Therefore his people turn back to them, and find no fault in them.
Psalm 73:3-10
But Asaph, like so many survivors of abuse, came to a place when clarity swept him up into the heavenlies.
Asaph sings,
But when I thought how to understand this, it seemed to me a wearisome task, until I went into the sanctuary of God; then I discerned their end. Truly you set them in slippery places; you make them fall to ruin. How they are destroyed in a moment, swept away utterly by terrors! Like a dream when one awakes, O Lord, when you rouse yourself, you despise them as phantoms.
Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord GOD my refuge, that I may tell of all your works.
Psalm 73:17-20, 23-26, 28
Asaph entered the sanctuary. We may have that moment in a worship service, or mountain hike, or moment of quiet meditation.
It is in that moment that the long-term saves us from the short-term.
No matter what others say. No matter the attitude of a pastor, elder, or CEO. No matter the short-sighted thinking of a board president. No matter a friend’s ignorance.
The LORD is with the oppressed. He is not with the abuser. They are destroyed in a moment.
The LORD is my strength. No opinion of man. No pride of position.
The LORD is my Refuge.
Do you need some help and encouragement? Go to our Resources page.
A friend of Jada’s first used the word “oppression” to describe abuse in 2021. It just blew her mind. Jada said, “God has much to say to survivors of abuse about oppression in the Bible.”
Jada continued,
“Although God talks about oppression throughout scripture, in all churches I’ve attended, leaders only refer to oppression as spiritual oppression or the slavery Israelites endured under Pharaoh. How many survivors of abuse would benefit from knowing that God directly addresses what they have been through in the Bible when he condemns oppression in scripture?”
It is such a great word to describe what she experienced. Jada said she “felt like a prisoner set free” when she left her abusive pastor.
The Power He Wielded
Jada was in college when she came to know and love Jesus Christ. She was on fire for the Lord and got connected to a small house church.
As a new Christian, she described herself as “completely open to the things of God and eager to be taught. Hungry for personal discipleship.” She was the type of convert every evangelist seeks to make.
Pastor Martin, the leader of the house church, was at first very helpful. He became like a father figure to her. Her family had rejected her when she became a Christian, and he gave her extensive spiritual counsel.
He told her how special she was. Pastor Martin said she was submissive and dedicated. He described these attributes as critical markers of spiritual growth and true conversion. She was different from the other church members who left. Those people he described as “prideful.” In his eyes, they weren’t genuine Christians, and he frequently disparaged them.
Pastor Martin said he had a gift of discernment. According to him, “He could hear from God and discern hearts,” she recalled. Jada felt blessed to have someone like that protecting her at the time. “He could, with one look, know someone’s spiritual state.” So Jada felt encouraged when he looked upon her with favor and singled her out from the small crowd.
On the other hand, there was a power he wielded that was concerning.
“Everyone was given a label with a secret sin . . . and we would often hear lengthy messages about these dangerous sins from the pulpit,”
Jada explained that in such a small church when he spoke of a specific sin from the pulpit, everyone knew to whom he was referring.
“I would sit nervously in my chair while he preached on and on, hoping he wouldn’t share from the pulpit the sins I had confessed to him privately earlier that week.”
In addition, Pastor Martin would question her often about her romantic relationships, telling her to “dump a boyfriend and not to date anyone.” He would ask her intrusive questions about how she may have sinned sexually with her past boyfriends.
“I was scared to not divulge everything because, according to him, he could read me like a book. Using discretion about my past sins was treated like immaturity. He would say that mature Christians could handle a topic about sexual sin.”
So Jada thought of it as helping her grow in spiritual maturity. She felt she needed a lot of godly guidance. Jada wanted to date and get married, but he taught her it was wrong to have those desires. He equated those desires to the sin of lust and being unfocused on the things of God.
After a couple years of this, she said she was molded into the type of follower her pastor wanted her to be. She was submissive to him and conditioned not to challenge his directions.
Being Isolated
Pastor Martin was independent of any ecclesiastical authority . . . there was no denominational headquarters or church hierarchy above him.
In fact, there was a clear impression that he gave that if you followed him, you followed God. Of course, the opposite was true as well – if you didn’t follow him and left the church, you followed Satan.
As people left the church they didn’t coherently explain why they were going. Pastor Martin, however, considered them dangerous. Maybe, he explained, they practiced witchcraft or were “religious.” “Religious” to the Pastor was negatively applied to those with strong convictions. He called them “demonic.” They were missing what good God had planned for them.
Jada explained why she avoided communicating with those who left.
“I was warned not to talk and spend time with those who left. I could risk getting infected with whatever spiritual stronghold they had. Engaging with those who left was scary. I didn’t want to follow the enemy.”
And engaging with the quitters would make Pastor Martin very upset with her. He effectively isolated her.
In His Employ
Then he employed her with his personal business.
It provided a source of financial stability. However, Jada didn’t feel like it was an actual choice. “The job was presented as something God was giving me so I was expected to take it.” She explained to me she wouldn’t have taken the job if actually been offered it.
But she was compliant.
He was “increasingly controlling, demanding, demeaning, volatile and generally unpredictable.”
Jada said, “One minute, he would be domineering, large, and in charge, especially in public. But in private, he would become kind to me, but inappropriate and without professional boundaries as well.” He told Jada she was his “best friend” and the only person he could confide in.
Except he was married.
Boundaries
Pastor Martin’s temper was unpredictable. Jada was under the impression that she was often the cause of his upset mood, which was a massive weight on her. Surely God didn’t want her upsetting her so-called “spiritual covering.”
Any kind of error at work or if she had a theological difference or friendship he didn’t approve of could bring about an inquisition.
In disagreement, he called Jada “mentally unstable.” But as long as they agreed, she was considered sane, even intelligent, and especially “spiritual.”
Over the years Pastor Martin broke down boundary after boundary.
He arranged to carpool alone with her. He came to her apartment any time he wanted. Over time, he borrowed thousands of dollars for business deals he convinced her God gave him. Jada always agreed with great reluctance and fear of upsetting him.
She put on a happy face, but she dreaded him telling her she had to give away yet another piece of the little independence she had left. To her dismay, he continued to enmesh himself in her daily life.
“My whole world revolved around ministry, my pastor’s business, and attempting to control his temper toward me. He enmeshed himself in my life. Then, my pastor began flirting with me. I didn’t know how to react. Maybe I’m misinterpreting his behavior. I must’ve imagined that.”
Flirting or Just Being Friendly?
Even though the pastor’s flirtations were confusing and uncomfortable, compared to his hot temper and insults, his strange flirtatious behavior felt like a relief.
She had been taught that he was supposed to be her “spiritual covering of safety.” But, the intrusive sexual questions and flirtations toward her intensified. The pastor often discussed his marital problems with her. Then he explained to her that he had discerned they were in love and shouldn’t fight their “destiny.”
She felt dizzy.
That same day, she tried to avoid being alone with him, but couldn’t shake him and he followed her into her apartment. She didn’t want to be impolite.
He then sexually assaulted her.
Her response was typical for trauma victims. Many will fight, some will flee, and some will appease. Jada did what she always did when his behaviors were inappropriate – she didn’t question, didn’t talk back, she submitted. She went along in order to be safe.
Once the overt sexual abuse began, she was in a daze. She was confused. Was it a generational curse because of her family background? Was she lusting?
Pastor Martin’s claims about being in love seemed believable because of her apparent loyalty to him over the years.
His sexual contact with her didn’t make sense but he had a way of spiritually explaining away the behavior. He implied that she didn’t leave like the others because she was in love with him and God put them together.
One of the most disgusting lies he told her was that she “was a whore” and the only way to keep her supposed lustful tendencies in control and not affect other men was to comply with his sexual behavior.
She said, “It’s many years since the abuse happened and even now, when I am in the presence of a man, I am scared that I might tempt him to want me sexually because this is what the pastor said I always did to him.”
Bringing it to Light
“I felt like I actually was going crazy. Pastor Martin’s manipulation was so effective. I felt I couldn’t trust my thoughts. I felt caged. This was my lot in life. He said God was in control of this. If I told, he said people wouldn’t understand. I would be called a Jezebel.”
And besides, how could she accuse a man who had poured so much into her life? She asked herself, “Isn’t rebuking an elder wrong?”
She felt that the Gospel ministry would be ruined if she spoke up. “My silence meant that the gospel work would continue.”
Jada discovered a painful reality. If a victim of “grooming” speaks out before there is sexual contact with a church leader, they are often accused of reading into his actions.
But, if she speaks up after sexual assault has happened then she is accused of being complicit.
As Jada recalled the experience she said,
“I’ve watched this happen to other survivors. They speak up about concerning behavior and the pastor accuses them of slander. People often believe the narrative of the abuser. Others speak up after the sexual abuse occurs and they get called a seductress. Survivors are often vilified no matter how they respond. No one wants to believe the pastor is actually a predator. The victim is deemed expendable because they think the reputation of the ministry and pastor is not.”
Horrendous Evil
Pastor Martin further entangled himself into Jada’s life. He convinced Jada to give him spare car keys and a house key to keep business files in her apartment.
Jada eventually developed agoraphobia. When she would leave her home, she would feel dizzy and have panic attacks. Perhaps someone would recognize her from being with the pastor and could discern what was happening. She said it lasted for years after the abuse and only subsided when she had safety in a good and godly marriage.
Jada explained, “It breaks my heart reflecting on the pastor’s incredible abuse of power in teaching me to forgo marriage and children for so long while he abused me. It’s horrendously evil.”
There were other effects of the abuse that Jada experiences even today.
Recurring nightmares have been a continual thorn in the flesh for Jada. Those nightmares, a common symptom of PTSD, have been about “trying to escape the abuse again or the abuser coming back” to get her.
When Jada was working with the pastor, she portrayed a persona to cope. She explained, “It was like an alter ego and outsiders came to know me as this person. I was a person who was strong and decisive though inside I felt like I was dying.” When she broke free of his oppression, like other abuse survivors, she felt she was unable to make a decision for herself.
“In reality, I never learned how to make my own decisions. Every choice I made was filtered through the question, ‘Will my pastor agree or will this make him upset?’”
When Jada was finally able to disclose the abuse to a pastor from another church, he helped her to understand that she was free from having her decisions made for her. Jada said she was awakened to the idea that “everyone else in my age group had become adults in charge of their own lives and here I was like a child who never grew up because I lived under oppression for so long.”
After she disclosed the abuse and the pastor decided to leave the ministry, Jada was finally able to be herself. A friend told her she had changed in that she was actually “fun.” Prior to that, she didn’t really have friends. She only had coworkers in ministry. Jada explained,
“I could never truly get close with anyone without the pastor eventually telling me that person was spiritually dangerous and I shouldn’t be around them.'”
It grieves her that she lost those years of emotional and spiritual growth.
All the Abuse
Jada described the various abuses she suffered. She said,
“Spiritual abuse and clergy sexual abuse go hand in hand. Much of what I experienced I read about later in literature about cults who twist Scripture to justify abusive behavior and demonize those who dissent.”
Pastor Martin told her she was “destined by God to be by his side” and that God showed him that she was “in love with him.”
She experienced gaslighting where he manipulated her to the point she questioned her own sanity. Jada felt she couldn’t rely on her own memory. She had to rely on him.
There was emotional abuse. Pastor Martin would blow up at unpredictable times, keeping her always hypervigilant. He humiliated her publicly and then privately call her “delusional and a ‘whore.'” A couple times, he tapped her face “with an open hand like he was slapping” her, and told her to shut up.
Jada explained,
“Adult clergy sexual abuse isn’t merely about the spiritual leader sinning sexually and violating the victim’s body. The wound that is inflicted upon the victim is a deep spiritual wound to their personhood.”
The damage all this abuse does to a person is not only emotional and spiritual. The physical effects of abuse are well documented even when a hand is not laid upon the victim. In essence, all abuse is physical. It causes trauma.
There is “actual damage to the brain. It’s traumatic.”
And yet, “many people expect survivors of adult clergy sexual abuse to simply move on, because they wrongly classify the abuse as a consensual act of sexual immorality.”
In those cases, such as adultery or fornication, confession and forgiveness can be given and received through Jesus’s work on the cross. However, clergy sexual abuse, causes trauma . . . while sexual immorality does not. Sexual abuse, particularly from one with spiritual “authority” is deeply damaging and not the fault of the victim.
It is for this reason that many states have enacted laws making it illegal for spiritual authorities to have sexual contact with those under their care. [see this website for a list]
The spiritual effects of this kind of abuse are deeply distressing. Jada explained,
“When you’ve been so deeply and repeatedly harmed by the church, it’s natural to conclude, ‘I was abused by a pastor, therefore all pastors are bad and none can be trusted’ or ‘my church was bad therefore all churches are bad.’”
I have spoken with multiple victims of spiritual and sexual abuse who have either refused to attend church or given up entirely on Christianity. The church has become an unsafe and triggering place for these victims.
Unfortunately, many congregant members fail to understand the underlying causes and are impatient with survivors. They fail to see the many cries of the Psalmists as they struggled with their faith in the midst of abuse (Psalm 10, 88).
Vindication
When I asked Jada about the need for vindication, she said,
“Realistically, it never fully happens. Even in situations where there is a third-party investigation and it is made clear to the public that the pastor committed adult clergy sexual abuse, some people will still deny the claims. They choose to go along with the abuser’s narrative – that it was consensual and that he should return to ministry. Survivors who think healing will come from being vindicated often discover that the path to healing can happen with or without vindication. That’s good because so often, vindication isn’t fully attainable.”
I have written of the helpfulness of vindication elsewhere. However, Jada provided a helpful balance.
She noted that if looking to receive vindication from others, it is not only disappointing when they do not come alongside, it can also be retraumatizing when they don’t.
“When heard and affirmed, it is so healing.” But, when she was victim shamed she felt like she was facing a Salem witch trial. She continued, “It truly hurt worse than the abuse.”
Healing
Jada is free, but the healing takes time.
Jada described a life that has been changed. She has seen healing that’s slow but continually taking place. She said,
“The life I have now was unfathomable to me during the abuse. During the abuse, I could not picture myself as an adult in charge of my own life. Now I am.”
Part of her healing process included dealing with unwanted flashbacks of the victim shaming.
Things were going great in her life and she couldn’t understand why she would be still experiencing the shame in flashbacks. At the advice of a Christian counselor, she spent significant time journaling and seeking the Lord.
Eventually, she found relief from the flashbacks after coming to terms with the fact that she would never be able to convince those who shamed her that what happened was abuse. She came to terms with this reality and was able to move on. Thankfully, the flashbacks of victim shaming are no longer an issue.
Jada emphasized to me that the way to healing for every survivor is different and encourages survivors to seek help in healing in a variety of ways, including professional therapy.
Healing is a process, especially because trauma shows up in bodily reactions. If someone says something triggering or insensitive about abuse survivors, she can experience stomach cramping and other illnesses, sometimes for days. It can also result in vomitting.
One of the great difficulties of healing from abuse trauma is facing the losses that were experienced under the abuse. One woman has told me how much she grieves the loss of her self-esteem and the skills she had before being entrapped in an abusive marriage. Jada said, “I see how it stripped me of my identity – both who I was as a person (what I liked, what I didn’t like), and who God made me to be in Christ.”
Jada explained that when she converted, her identity in Christ was not encouraged.
“The focus was more on becoming like the leader, the pastor, rather than becoming like the Christ of the Bible. I felt like the identity I was given was ‘young, single, Christian woman, [and a] threat to men’s spirituality.’”
Part of her healing has been to truly believe that these things were not her fundamental identity, She was not a “threat to men’s spirituality” and she actually “deserved to be treated with authentic Christ-like pastoral care.” The idea that she was not inherently lustful and did not deserve to be exploited was “revolutionary” to her.
It is Not an Affair . . . or a Relationship
When asked what truths in God’s Word have been most helpful to her healing, she shared,
“The pastor who abused me told me that I had a permanent lust problem that was inherited generationally and this is why the sexual contact was occurring. But this was a twisted lie. 2 Corinthians 5:17 says, ‘If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.’ I have been made new! I’m not cursed with some lust problem that could only be curbed by sexual contact with this man.
The pastor would constantly condemn me by using my confessions of past sin to say that this is who I inherently was. But Romans 8 teaches that I am free from condemnation (Rom. 8:1-2) and free from any condemning charges against me (Rom. 8:31-34). I wasn’t condemned to a life of satisfying this man’s sinful desires. Ephesians 2:10 says, ‘For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.’ I was created to do good works, not do good works while living with a secret that was killing me. Now I can finally live the life I wanted to back then – a life of freedom to serve God without oppression.”
Jada refuses to lose hope that church leaders will become educated about clergy sexual abuse of adults. She said they should listen to the stories of those who have experienced it and read the research.
As the title of this blog says, clergy sexual abuse is not an “affair.” It is not a relationship. It is a person with significant power overcoming one who is under their care.
It is rape.
When a person looks back on a consensual relationship that was broken, Jada said,
“They don’t look back on the relationship in horror. If there is no abuse, they won’t suffer with recurring nightmares and other PTSD symptoms. This is why adult clergy sexual abuse isn’t an illicit affair. It’s nonconsensual and it’s abuse. It causes trauma.”
Many people do not understand the power that someone with spiritual authority has. That authority removes consensuality from the equation. Consent can’t be given in cases where someone is “over the other” in a spiritual way. In those cases, “there is a dynamic that they can’t freely say no.”
The ability of a pastor to gaslight and manipulate through scripture is particularly heinous – using God’s Word, that was intended for shalom and well-being, to tear down the image of God and agency in another.
Helping
Jada said that those who treat victims of clergy sexual abuse as adulterers
“may find themselves inadvertently repeating the same messages that the abuser planted in the survivor’s mind – that she was complicit and that it was her sensuality that caused him to sin. When people victim shame and blame, they reinforce the same weapon of lies that the abuser used.”
If you wish to help a survivor, you need to be careful with your words. Well-meaning helpers make comments that shame and blame:
“Well, you shouldn’t have been alone with the pastor. You should know that he would be tempted by you.”
“Yeah, she has a past, so hearing about her and the pastor doesn’t surprise me.”
Because shame affects people emotionally and physically, and therefore creates pain and discomfort, Jada said many survivors will hide. They will use anonymous names on social media so they won’t be targeted and retraumatized by victim shamers.
Survivors often choose to keep a part of their life hidden from others for fear of being shamed. They are not able to fully live “in the freedom Christ has given them.”
Survivors need safe people who will hear their story. The telling of the story is an important first, second, and third step to healing. Trauma does not go away without intentional disclosure. But trauma can also be intensified when the story is dismissed or met with disbelief.
Once during therapy, Jada’s therapist said, “You are so brave.” Jada noted that some survivors of abuse don’t like that. However, it was empowering to her.
Jada says,
“In most of my dreams now, I actually tell the abuser that I’m not captive by him anymore. So, those dreams aren’t scary. Even in my dreams, I’m stronger. I’ve grown. I’m a different person now.”
I so appreciated Jada (not her real name) sharing her story. She helped me extensively in the writing of it. Jada is a gracious and godly woman who deserved so much more than what the church gave her. Yet, she continues to serve God’s people. Thank you for sharing, Jada.
Amber, a young adult, was committed to church. She loved the fellowship and teaching.
Then something happened.
Her friend, Kayla, noticed it in her church attire at first. One Sunday she wore a prom dress. The next, Amber wore jeans to church. Kayla said it was strange.
“I knew something was wrong.”
Kayla’s Story
Kayla was hired by the church when an old friend became the pastor. It was a rough start when she sought to engage a small group of women led by an older, very wealthy matriarch.
Kayla was not welcome. They misinterpreted her reaction to them when they had tried to hide their alcoholic drinks from her, telling others Kayla was judging them (she wasn’t).
When the matriarch was “slandering” her, Kayla asked permission to attend their small group get together to clear the air. She was rebuffed.
So, she went to her pastor and boss, Brandon. Despite having stuck up for the music minister facing a similar situation, the pastor told Kayla to just get over it. “It’s just part of ministry,” he explained. “It’s time to put on your big girl pants.”
The New Elder
Kevin was in training to become a new elder at the church. They were nearing the time that the church would “ordain” him in the new leadership position. But Kayla had heard stories about Kevin that were concerning.
Kayla attempted to warn Pastor Brandon that Kevin had a reputation as possibly an adulterer; she had heard that he had a sexual relationship with a woman, not his wife. The pastor brushed it off and said, “I know Kevin. Of course, he wouldn’t do such a thing.”
The ordination went forward.
Reporting the Abuse
Meanwhile, Kayla sought out Amber, asking her if something was wrong. At first, Amber said nothing was wrong, but a few months later, when Kayla again approached her, Amber poured out her heart.
Amber had been sexually assaulted by Elder Kevin.
Thus began a long road of incredible hurt for Amber, Kayla, and her husband, Zachary. And failure on the part of church leadership.
Kayla convinced Amber to speak with her husband, Kayla’s husband Zachary (a professional Christian counselor), and Pastor Brandon. The first meeting with Zachary and Amber’s husband went well. The men were understanding, attentive, and supportive.
However, if Kayla had it to do over again, she said she would not have pushed Amber to talk to the pastor. Kayla assured Amber the pastor would “hold Elder Kevin accountable” for the assault.
That evening they went to the pastor’s house and Amber bravely shared her story. The first thing Pastor Brandon asked her was, “Were you drunk?”
From that point on it was a battle. Was Pastor Brandon blinded by Kevin’s wealth? Or some kind of loyalty? After all, Kevin had chaired the pulpit committee that had hired Pastor Brandon. Or was it something else?
Standing For Oppression
As Kayla sought to bring accountability to Kevin before the other elders, she faced one roadblock after another.
The elders didn’t believe Amber. She had been drinking so somehow it was her fault. Amber had denied ever being drunk, but they didn’t believe that either.
Amber’s story has been slowly coming out just as those who are traumatized slowly piece things together according to experts. But Pastor Brandon has maintained that she must be lying because her story had changed. However, according to Kayla, Amber has been simply adding to the story as she has processed it over time, as can be expected.
Brandon said when he met with Kevin, “He sobbed like a baby.” Brandon said he had never seen a man so broken.
Shortly after reporting the assault to the church leader, Kevin contacted Amber asking her if he had “penetrated” her. (According to state law, there must be penetration to be classified as rape). In so doing, he admitted the assault, but obviously wanted to stay out of jail.
The elders in the end asked Kevin to leave the church but did not explain to the congregation what was happening and have never taken care of Amber aside from offering to pay for counseling.
There has been no real public accounting for the credible accusations against Kevin.
Kicking a Dead Horse
As Kayla and Zachary pressed on, their livelihoods, spiritual, and emotional health have been profoundly damaged.
In seeking the accountability of these leaders, it has felt like kicking a dead horse. Except, this dead horse kicks back.
In a meeting with Pastor Brandon, he asked Kayla, “What if I said Amber has changed her story?” Kayla explained that it is a known fact that memories change in those who have been traumatized.
Kayla then tried to explain to Pastor Brandon the power differential between Amber and Kevin because of Kevin’s spiritual authority as an elder. In response, Pastor Brandon said “That’s CRT” (Critical Race Theory). Kayla, knowing that the leadership view those who hold any CRT views as “heretics” said, “I’m not a heretic.”
She described to me,
“He moved to the door with his arms folded. I couldn’t leave. Then he moved on to another case I was working on – a case of domestic abuse. He said disbelievingly about the accusation of abuse, ‘There are two sides to every story.’ So, I said, ‘But she works for me.’ He retorted that he had talked to husband for six hours, but I said, ‘I work with her for 20 hours a week!’
Brandon left the office but then came back to her. He said, “I want you to know you have a voice in this. Get it out and at some point we are done talking about this.” Kayla asked, “When?” She said he got angry and threatened, “I will do a nationwide search and replace you.”
He went on, “Though I disagree with 99 percent of Mark Driscoll, I would say he got one thing right: get on the bus or get run over.”
Wow.
How We Always Talk
Kayla’s husband, Zachary was there for this heated exchange.
He was shocked by the outburst and when Brandon left, Zachary asked Kayla if he normally talked to her that way. He explained that Brandon was yelling at her. He described it as a “narcissistic kind of rage,” especially Brandon’s tirade, “I will not be accused here! I will not be put on trial!” in response to Kayla calmly reminding Brandon of something he said which he adamantly denied saying.
In response to Zachary, Kayla said, “That is the only way we talk.” Zachary went on, “He was obsessed with never being corrected.” Mimicking Brandon, he said, “This is how you have to talk to me.”
Kayla said Brandon’s solution to their conflict “was that we would meet once a week where he could correct me if I ‘misinterpreted’ anything he said.” Brandon basically demanded the right to reinterpret Kayla’s experience as it suited his agenda of control.
This was not the only form of gaslighting Kayla experienced. At her first and only performance evaluation, Brandon provided positive feedback but zeroed in on one carefully chosen criticism: “Overly bearing the burdens of those under your ministry has the possibility of clouding your judgment.” This was said with clear reference to her relationship to Amber, and the message was subtle but clear: Brandon saw things clearly, but Kayla’s judgment could not be trusted.
Kayla, burned out and depressed, finally asked for a leave of absence for a couple months. Pastor Brandon encouraged her to resign instead. She pushed back and made clear that her request was for a paid leave, not a resignation.
Kayla explained, “A couple, who met with Pastor Brandon, said he told them that I came to him on Tuesday and resigned and then came in Wednesday and changed my mind.” Kayla thinks it likely that is the same story the pastor told the elders.
At no point did she suggest that she was resigning.
The elders in the end approved Kayla’s leave.
Pastor Brandon then announced to the church staff that she was going to resign. She had to again push back and say loud and clear that she never resigned, she just asked for extended leave.
The NDA
However, during her leave the elders asked her to resign and sign a “Non-Disclosure Agreement.”
They would provide a severance package if she wouldsignit and resign. It would effectively silence her. She would be legally bound to keep her mouth shut about the failures of the church leadership . . . in particular, Pastor Brandon’s abusive leadership.
However, Kayla and Zachary would not be bought off, as they described it. Despite Kayla’s salary being their family’s primary source of funds, they were agreed that in good conscience they could not take a vow of silence.
Kayla refused the NDA.
The church leadership must have realized they were in trouble as they went ahead with a severance package (but only gave a portion of severance offered with NDA), and at the end of Kayla’s leave, fired her without any explanation or justification.
The Peace and Purity of the Church
After months of silence following the sexual assault, the elders called a congregational meeting to address the firing of Kayla as well as Kevin’s sexual assault.
The pastor began with a statement regarding Kayla’s termination. He explained,
“Let us be clear that there is no sin or character issue that has led us to this decision. Kayla is a remarkably gifted woman of God who has contributed greatly to our church and her ministries.”
The reason she was fired was that she continued to challenge the pastor and elders for their failure to take the kind of action that responding to a sexual predator in the church requires. Pastor Brandon in his statement denied this and did not express remorse for the horrible damage done by the sexual abuse of an elder, of whom they had been warned prior to installing in a leadership position.
Despite being encouraged by a respected abuse specialist in their denomination to seek a third-party investigation, they did not.
They did not make it public to provide a safe place for reports of other victims of Kevin’s abuse (though there were others reported to Kayla). During the congregational meeting questions were asked about the church’s investigation and the elders refused to answer them.
They had not brought in experts, neither law enforcement nor abuse consultants, to investigate.
Pastor Brandon confessed in the meeting that they should have come to the congregation with the information sooner, yet did not and have not asked Kayla’s or the survivor’s forgiveness for failing in this way to support them as they should.
In fact, the pastor noted defensively it was in their “rights” to not report to others there was a sexual offender among them.
When a question-and-answer time was coming to a close, one church member spoke passionately in Kayla’s defense:
“This is an extremely serious issue where, by all appearances, a wonderful person, who had impacted many of our lives very positively, was unfairly fired because she advocated for a victim and because she wouldn’t stop advocating for a victim.”
Bringing the meeting to a close, Pastor Brandon, in exasperation made a last-ditch effort to force submission to the church leadership and silence whistleblowers:
“If you still have issues, come to the elders, talk to them. But go directly to the parties that are offending you, and please, for the sake of the peace of the church, be careful how you talk to one another, or talk to other people, go directly to the source, and get these questions answered.”
Pastor Brandon went on:
And when we have disagreements, take them the session, and, you know, express your concerns and your grievances. But if it is a matter of a judgment call, God has ordained them, and you have elected them, to make those decisions on your behalf. And for the peace of the church, we need to leave it there. And then walk away and love each other.
His plea was to keep their failure to do what was right and failure to confess and seek forgiveness for their failures from destroying the church. Where admitting the wrong and seeking restitution would have healed many wounds that continue to this day, instead he recommended keeping things as private as possible.
As if that would serve “the peace and purity of the church.”
Accountability
Following the meeting, a church family wrote to the elders,
“Abusers need to know that their predation will be met with consequences. Victims need to know that they have a place to turn where someone will listen. And the world needs to see that the church is serious about protecting the vulnerable.”
They went on,
“By your own words you make the case that Kayla’s firing was a retaliatory measure, designed to silence her from bringing Kevin’s sin into the light.”
But rather than seek real accountability for Kevin, the elders sent him to another church to continue his abuse.
Submission to [Bad] Authority
In a recent sermon, Pastor Brandon was speaking on submission to authority. As is common to church leadership abuse, it is not unusual for a pastor to double down on the submission topic when he is being challenged. He said in the sermon, “Never ever confuse authority and biblical leadership with arrogance or a power grab.”
Brandon proclaimed the innocence of the elders’ motives in their decisions. One of the elders argued that their decisions to keep Kevin’s felonies private were simply “judgment calls.” He said, “But when the decision is made, unless it’s something so sinful, you know, or so greatly unbiblical, then, we are called to submit for the peace of the church.”
Sounds very biblical and wise.
But, regarding such horrible treatment of victims and those who advocate for them as simply judgment calls is anathema to the Lord.
As one individual who has experienced leadership abuse said, “It seems that where there is leadership abuse in the church, you will always find spiritual abuse.”
It is when submission is taught from pulpits and in responses to questions about the ways authority is exercised in the church that the Scripture is used to control and manipulate. References in Scripture like Hebrews 13:17 and 1 Peter 2:13f are taken out of context and absolutized to suggest that no matter what the authority does, the subordinate is required to obey and submit.
It is poor exegesis and deeply damaging to God’s people. [see here]
Turned Upside Down
Kayla, Zachary, and Amber’s lives have been turned upside down by the leadership of their church. Rather than responding in silence, deception, justification, and anger, their leaders should have heard their cries. They should have taken decisive action to hold the abuser accountable. They should have sought the healing of those who suffered under Kevin’s sexual assaults.
And they should have seen how this crisis revealed Pastor Brandon’s abusive leadership.
If they haven’t, they should pack their bags. They do not belong in leadership.
NOTE: I recommend the below website. It provides excellent resources for survivors of clergy sexual abuse. God’s shepherds must be held accountable for oppressive behavior as the Lord held His shepherds accountable during the prophet Ezekiel’s time – Ezekiel 34.
Clergy Sexual Misconduct – We provide info & resources to those affected by clergy sexual misconduct (CSM) & ministries desiring to be a safe place.
If I didn’t know the whole story, I would side with the people of Israel (Korah’s group) as they stood up against Moses and Aaron:
“You have gone too far! For all in the congregation are holy, every one of them, and the LORD is among them. Why then do you exalt yourselves above the assembly of the LORD?”
Numbers 16:3
This statement by “Korah and all his company” in the wilderness following the Exodus from Egypt is a beautiful summary of toxic leadership. Toxic leaders assume a place of prominence (exalt themselves) and refuse to acknowledge the value of their subordinates (all in the congregation are holy).
However, Korah’s analysis of Moses’ leadership was wanting.
Moses was specifically chosen by God to lead His people out of Egypt and into the promised land. God had prepared a man who was deeply driven by justice to be the shepherd of Israel. Moses had stood up against multiple oppressors as a young man, putting even his life at risk (see Exodus 2).
He looked out for the vulnerable. Moses protected those who were forgotten in his society – slaves and women.
God MADE Moses into the leader of Israel.
A False Charge
So, what brought on the complaints and accusations of Korah and his mob?
The Lord had graciously led the people of Israel (by Moses’ hand) to the border of the promised land. It was a land “flowing with milk and honey.” A good land that He was freely giving them.
And they had rebelled against the Lord.
They had refused to go into the land out of fear. The Lord had led them by many miraculous signs – many of which established the fact that Moses was God’s chosen leader – and yet they still had no faith that God would safely bring them into the land.
So, the Lord refuses to lead them into the land after they made an act of contrition for their disobedience and failure of faith.
That brings us to “Korah’s rebellion” in Numbers 16.
His words are in fact hollow and foolish. And we know this not only because over and over the Lord has made clear that His chosen leader is Moses, but because Moses has a heart of love and protection for his vulnerable followers.
When the people had rebelled against the Lord at the entryway to the promised land, He said to Moses,
“How long will this people despise me? And how long will they not believe in me, in spite of all the signs that I have done among them? I will strike them with the pestilence and disinherit them, and I will make of you a nation greater and mightier than they.”
Numbers 14:11-12 (ESV)
God had continually cared for them and they refused Him. Their judgment was sure. So, God promised Moses that He would create a new nation who would follow Moses and He would destroy the current Israel for their failure to follow him.
What does Moses do? Did he say, “Sounds great to me. I am sick of their bellyaching, myself. Give me a people who will bow and submit to me!” No.
But Moses said to the LORD, “Then the Egyptians will hear of it, for you brought up this people in your might from among them, 14 and they will tell the inhabitants of this land. They have heard that you, O LORD, are in the midst of this people. For you, O LORD, are seen face to face, and your cloud stands over them and you go before them, in a pillar of cloud by day and in a pillar of fire by night. 15 Now if you kill this people as one man, then the nations who have heard your fame will say, 16 ‘It is because the LORD was not able to bring this people into the land that he swore to give to them that he has killed them in the wilderness.’ 17 And now, please let the power of the Lord be great as you have promised, saying, 18 ‘The LORD is slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love, forgiving iniquity and transgression, but he will by no means clear the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children, to the third and the fourth generation.’ 19 Please pardon the iniquity of this people, according to the greatness of your steadfast love, just as you have forgiven this people, from Egypt until now.”
Numbers 14:13-19 (ESV)
True Leadership
Moses stands between the Lord and His people.
He seeks their pardon. He desires to assuage the Lord’s anger at his rebellious people. And Moses seeks the glory of God among the nations.
This is true leadership.
Moses should have the respect and honor of his subordinates because he continually proves that he is faithful to them and to their God. He is a shepherd who does not turn and run from danger, but seeks to protect and guide (John 10).
But Moses is a man and he fails at times. In fact, the Lord holds him accountable for his own lack of faith and refuses him entry to the promised land later (Deuteronomy 34:4). Moses then humbles himself.
Moses is a leader to emulate.
Then There Are Abusive Leaders
When a leader is abusive of his authority, what then?
Is a church leader, by nature of the office he holds, the “Lord’s anointed” as David calls King Saul in 2 Samuel 1:14? Should he be obeyed no matter what?
2 Samuel 1 seems a strange Scripture to turn into a principle and apply to church leaders today. And yet, I hear this over and over as a criticism of those who have stood against a pastor or Christian leader. By calling out a church leader due to his misuse of spiritual leadership, these church members are shamed for “touching the Lord’s anointed.”
When a leader has “hands laid upon him” – “ordained” – there is an anointing that has taken place. As the “Book of Church Order” in one denomination states,
“Ordination is the authoritative admission of one duly called to an office in the Church of God, accompanied with prayer and the laying on of hands, to which it is proper to add the giving of the right hand of fellowship.”
Book of Church Order – Presbyterian Church in America
Though he has been set apart for work as a pastor in the church, by those same standards he
“should possess a competency of human learning and be blameless in life, sound in the faith and apt to teach. He should exhibit a sobriety and holiness of life becoming the Gospel. He should rule his own house well and should have a good report of them that are outside the Church.”
BCO
There are high standards for pastors. And we are called to submit to them by the writer of Hebrews:
Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they are keeping watch over your souls, as those who will have to give an account. Let them do this with joy and not with groaning, for that would be of no advantage to you.
Hebrews 13:17 (ESV)
The New Testament Leader
Though these instructions provide a high view of church leaders, there is no sense in the New Testament church that leaders cannot be challenged or “touched” as if they are somehow untouchable in their position of authority in the church.
Church leaders’ lives are to be such that they can be emulated by congregant members, not unchallenged.
Paul, speaking of his Apostleship, says to the Corinthian church:
“This is how one should regard us, as servants of Christ and stewards of the mysteries of God. 2 Moreover, it is required of stewards that they be found faithful.”
1 Corinthians 4:1-2 (ESV)
Verse one points to the high position Apostles have (not speaking of pastors) as “stewards of the mysteries of God.” But verse two notes the responsibility even the greater (Apostles) have for faithfulness. Without that faithful living, even the Apostles would stand accountable. It is all the more so for pastors in Christ’s church who are not called “stewards of the mysteries of God” anywhere in the New Testament.
This principle of authority (do not touch) comes more from Old Testament Israel. In that context, leaders often provided spiritual and political leadership (Moses, Joshua, the Judges, David and Saul). But, that is not the case in the New Testament church. The “theocracy” of the old has passed away (and in fact, there is a clear shift in how the church is to now engage the world around them).
Church leaders do not have the same authority over the lives of their sheep as Moses did. He was given the law “face to face” by the Lord. Other leaders were given the Word directly to pass on to God’s people, who in turn were to believe and follow the leader appointed by the Lord.
However, a New Testament church leader’s spiritual authority only goes so far because all of God’s people are “priests” (Revelation 1:5). And it should be obvious that they have no political authority being that there is no longer a nation that is a “church” as Israel was (nor is there a desire on God’s part that there be one found in the New Testament).
Whereas, leaders in the Old, both spiritual (priests) and political (kings) were God’s mouthpieces to His people, the New Testament saint (believer) has the Word of God written and available to all and the indwelling of the Holy Spirit to illuminate.
Hold Them Accountable
Yes, we submit to our church leaders. Yes, we respect and honor our leaders. Yes, we listen to them.
But, we also hold them accountable to teach rightly and to live rightly.
Please do not use the line, “Do not touch the Lord’s anointed” again in reference to a church pastor. Particularly when his life of abusive leadership has disqualified him from that leadership.
Give your church leader respect and accountability.
One of the hardest things for someone to hear when going through a particularly difficult trial is, “Consider it joy! It will make you stronger.”
Yes, the Bible tells me so. But it so often seems so callous for someone to remind me of it. There might even be a smile that goes with it that makes me angry.
Those who are acting as counselors and advocates for abuse survivors have likely struggled with this issue. We want to encourage our clients and friends to rightful thinking which we know will lead to greater peace. We want them to see the good that can come from the trial that they may have a sense of peace in it.
And as we share these thoughts with them, we find that they shrink into a shell or become angry or walk away, never to return.
It just isn’t that simple to slather a verse on a victim’s pain. Have you noticed that taking one verse from the Bible is simple until you practice good exegesis and consider all those other verses that complicate things?
The Goal
First, I want to do some of that work on James 1:2-5 where the Lord tells us that the “testing of your faith produces steadfastness.” That is the reason why James says one verse before, “Count it all joy . . . when you meet trials of various kinds.”
There is a goal to suffering – that we be “perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” That’s a pretty good trade off. That is what trials are intended to produce in us. And that is why James tells us to “count it all joy.”
Gill’s Exposition of the Entire Bible helpfully says, “Not that these afflictions were joyous in themselves, but in their circumstances, effects, and consequences.”
The goal is joyous.
It is not the trial that is joyous. The trial is not intended to make us happy. In fact, to be a trial it needs to do quite the opposite. It creates hurt, disappointment, maybe confusion, and frustration. That is why it is called a trial. It challenges how we view our lives.
It causes us to take stock of our beliefs and desires and expectations.
I face trials when my boss or spouse is manipulating, demeaning, shaming, or blaming me. When my manager takes credit for the work I do. When my spouse tells me I am stupid, or my pastor preaches shamefully from the pulpit referring to something I said to him earlier in the week supposedly in confidence.
I am not expected to take joy from the trial. And so, we must be careful to distinguish between expecting someone to be joyful about the trial, rather than taking joy in the knowledge of the outcome.
Who among us knows what is God’s specific purpose for another man’s trial? Who can with confidence give that kind of judgment.
God does not always show His hand immediately or within the trial itself. At times it is mysterious. Consider Paul’s “thorn in the flesh” in 2 Corinthians 12:7-9. Paul has some knowledge – it is there to keep him from being “conceited” – but why doesn’t God take it away? Paul begged that the Lord would do so, but He did not remove it by the time of Paul’s writing.
It is not my place to tell a victim why they are suffering. And then tell them, “Count it all joy!”
They will likely, though not necessarily, learn what the Lord is specifically teaching them. Give the Lord His room.
Weep
So, what do we do? What is the godly response?
We must be careful in our expectations for those who are suffering horribly from the abuse of a wicked individual – whether a boss, boyfriend, neighbor, or husband. In the midst of that suffering, jumping for joy neither makes sense nor generally happens.
This is a broken world, and a giddiness about that brokenness is never suggested in Scripture. Don’t expect your friend or counselee to be rejoicing in the way you think of rejoicing in the midst of their abuse. It is unreasonable and unlikely.
So, the first step in hearing of abuse of any kind is “weep with those who weep.”
The full verse in Romans says:
Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight.
Romans 12:15-16 (ESV)
Humility. No conceit. No arrogance.
If you are counseling or advocating for a victim of leadership abuse (in the home or workplace), you need to humbly respond to their suffering. As they pass through the fire of trial, they need to be shown respect and their trial needs to be honored.
Weep with them. It is not a time of rejoicing when they face various trials.
But when the goal of that trial – their perfection and completion – is accomplished, it will be a time of rejoicing.
In the trial, it is a time of weeping and seeking the wisdom only God can give as James goes on to say:
If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.
James 1:5
Weep with them as they face the struggle. And seek wisdom as to how to respond to that trial with them.
Empathy
In essence, we are talking about being empathetic. No matter what foolish theologians say about empathy, Romans 12 is about empathy. God desires you to be empathetic . . . to appreciate and understand another man’s travail. And you are to weep with them when they weep.
In time, hopefully you can rejoice when they rejoice.
However, as you empathize with your friend, you may encourage them on a path to the point of considering it joy. As the “Barnes’ Notes on the Bible” says,
You are not to consider it as a punishment, a curse, or a calamity, but as a fit subject of felicitation.
Barnes’ Notes on the Bible
When facing abuse, many victims feel that they are cursed. They may think they are being punished by the Lord much like many of the Psalmists.
But abuse is never the result of the victim’s actions. It is because the abuser has an unrepentant heart. He is sick in sin. It is HIS fault, not the victim’s.
So, encouraging the victim to rest in Jesus’s loving arms, not condemnation of any kind, is the godly response to their despair.
Advocates can list story after story of the survivors of abuse testifying to the shame that have been heaped upon them. They have been trained by their abusers, particularly if their abuser was a Christian leader, to think of themselves as unworthy of Jesus’s love and affection.
You do not criticize them for feeling cursed or angry at God. You share with them the love that God has for them . . . telling them over and over they are a child of the Heavenly Father, the Ruler of Heaven and Earth.
Those are two very different things. One is heaping more shame on them for feeling the way they do: How dare you feel that way. One is sharing the reason they need have no shame.
Consider it Joy! Yes, the Bible tells me so. But there is a time for weeping for and mourning what is lost. There is time for the Lord to make Himself known and felt by victims of abusive leadership.
It describes the Lord. He acts with compassion. He calls His people to be compassionate as He is.
For the LORD will vindicate his people and have compassion on his servants, when he sees that their power is gone and there is none remaining, bond or free.
Deuteronomy 32:36 (ESV)
Compassion means to “comfort or console” someone else in the Old Testament terminology. It means “to be moved as to one’s bowels, hence to be moved with compassion, have compassion (for the bowels were thought to be the seat of love and pity)” in the New Testament.1
Bowels. Not a word we use every day.
But the meaning is that there is a whole body response to the hurt of someone else. We truly feel their pain. We are moved to respond to their difficulties from the depths of our being.
Today I ran across a passage that speaks to this.
If anyone sins in that he hears a public adjuration to testify, and though he is a witness, whether he has seen or come to know the matter, yet does not speak, he shall bear his iniquity . . .
Leviticus 5:1 (ESV)
This is compassion. “Adjuration” means a call. It means that there is a need for those who have witnessed or heard of sinful action to speak up. They are “called” to speak up.
When you combine this call to action and compassion, it says to me that if I wanted someone to stand up for me as a witness to the abuse I had or am receiving from a boss or husband or parent, then I would feel the need to do the same for someone else when I witness or hear of it.
Do unto others as you would have them do to you.
This is what we call “advocacy.” Sometimes the words to describe the suffering of violence don’t come for victims and they need that witness to advocate for them. To go to those church leaders. To go to the board of directors. To confront the oppressor.
To go to someone who has the power to make a change.
Bearing Guilt
Scripture tells us that we bear the guilt of silence if we do not answer that call to stand by the side of victims of abuse.
Remember the passage says either witness or come to know of the matter. Have you come to know of abuse? Has your friend told you a little of their boss or husband’s abusive behavior? Has someone else mentioned that so-and-so is abusive to their employee or spouse?
Listen.
Stand.
Care for.
And advocate for them. Our compassionate God has called you to do it.
A Warning
Darby Strickland, a counselor who has written excellent resources for churches handling abuse, says the following:
“Before engaging an oppressive husband [or boss], know the risks of realitation and plan according.”2
Darby Strickland
Strickland goes on to note that if the woman, and I would add employee, is concerned about her safety when engaging the abuser, then back off. Being compassionate and advocating for the victim means in this case to stand down and wait for there to be safety before confronting the abuser.
NOTES:
1 James Strong, The New Strong’s Expanded Exhaustive Concordance of the Bible, Expanded edition (Thomas Nelson, 2010).
2Note: Advocating must be done at the direction of the victim. Their safety from retaliation must be foremost in the advocate’s thinking as they determine future steps.
When I first began research in toxic leadership, I had become interested in the topic because of two things: the leadership of our mission and a dear friend’s experience of an abusive marriage she had suffered in for 20 years.
The ways in which those two forms of abuse – leadership and domestic – came together were astounding. The psychological, spiritual, and physical techniques of abusers and destruction caused by them were extraordinarily similar.
As I focused in on leadership abuse, domestic abuse affects were never very far off my research paths.
One particular result (and technique) of abuse is isolation. It is deeply hurtful. And it is almost always, in my experience, a result of or intentional tool in the abusive individual’s kit.
I have spent much time in Job lately and as I read recently, these words popped out at me:
He has put my brothers far from me, and those who knew me are wholly estranged from me. My relatives have failed me, my close friends have forgotten me. The guests in my house and my maidservants count me as a stranger; I have become a foreigner in their eyes. I call to my servant, but he gives me no answer; I must plead with him with my mouth for mercy. My breath is strange to my wife, and I am a stench to the children of my own mother. Even young children despise me; when I rise they talk against me. All my intimate friends abhor me, and those whom I loved have turned against me. My bones stick to my skin and to my flesh, and I have escaped by the skin of my teeth. Have mercy on me, have mercy on me, O you my friends, for the hand of God has touched me! Why do you, like God, pursue me? Why are you not satisfied with my flesh?
Job 19:13 (ESV)
In Job’s case, he has seen the works of Satan destroying aspects of his life under the willing control of the Lord Almighty. He knows God’s sovereignty in the situation and is angry and confused by it.
Job is a respected elder in the community because of the many blessings the Lord has poured out on him. But, as the Lord proves to Satan that Job’s love for God is not based on material well-being, Job loses nearly everything in his world; his wealth, children, employees, animals, crops, and his own health.
And Job loses his friends.
He is isolated.
It is part and parcel of the abuser’s playbook to do all he can to separate his victim from her friends and means of support. He may charm family, friends, co-workers, or employees making it seem evident that the victim is crazy, mistaken about the abuse, or unloveable.
One manager of a large international ministry told me his CEO called all his friends – other CEOs of major ministries – to isolate him. The CEO made it impossible for him to find another job for two years after he fired the manager for confronting the CEO on reports of sexual harrassment of 20 women.
Our missions Director told us the other staff with whom we worked were against us when we challenged his toxic leadership. It was not true, but he evidently wanted us to feel isolated and helpless.
In a recent interview, a woman told me her respected husband isolated her from family and church friends and leadership by means of his social stature and charm.
Another woman told me all of her brothers turned against her when she was seeking to get free from her horribly abusive husband.
Job’s story ends well. He is given great wealth, more children, a whole new ranch teaming with stock and he is welcomed back into the community.
That may or may not be the case for those who have been isolated by their abuser. But it is important to remember that it is the Lord Who brings vindication. It is the Lord Who will provide all the needs we have.
And it may be a case where we must turn to the Lord’s example:
Now when he was in Jerusalem at the Passover Feast, many believed in his name when they saw the signs that he was doing. But Jesus on his part did not entrust himself to them, because he knew all people and needed no one to bear witness about man, for he himself knew what was in man.
John 2:23-25 (ESV)
Jesus did “not entrust himself to them.” Why?
“Because he knew all people . . . for he himself knew what was in man.”
Man is fickle. His allegiances change. He will believe whom he wants to believe.
This is a cry to those who would isolate victims of abuse by believing the lies of the oppressor. Though you may fear the abuser, your allegiance better fall with the victim of oppression . . . this is the Lord’s will.
And, this is a cry to victims. Know that ultimately, the Lord’s vindication is for the taking. Though the vindication of man – brought by your loving Lord – may be long in coming, the Lord stands by your side and will not be removed.
Though it seems that the heavens are falling and the earth is shaking, to be isolated with the Lord is far and away better than the praises of man.
Those who are honored to hear an abuse survivor’s story need to hear Job’s story.
They need to hear his words . . . and they need to hear his friends’ words. They are likely to identify with Job’s friends more than with Job. They are likely shocked by Job.
But then they may wonder why God takes his friends to task in the end of the story rather than Job.
Listen to Job’s heart:
“I loathe my life; I will give free utterance to my complaint; I will speak in the bitterness of my soul. I will say to God, Do not condemn me; let me know why you contend against me. Does it seem good to you to oppress, to despise the work of your hands and favor the designs of the wicked? Have you eyes of flesh? Do you see as man sees? Are your days as the days of man, or your years as a man’s years, that you seek out my iniquity and search for my sin, although you know that I am not guilty, and there is none to deliver out of your hand? Your hands fashioned and made me, and now you have destroyed me altogether. Remember that you have made me like clay; and will you return me to the dust? Did you not pour me out like milk and curdle me like cheese? You clothed me with skin and flesh, and knit me together with bones and sinews. You have granted me life and steadfast love, and your care has preserved my spirit. Yet these things you hid in your heart; I know that this was your purpose. If I sin, you watch me and do not acquit me of my iniquity. If I am guilty, woe to me! If I am in the right, I cannot lift up my head, for I am filled with disgrace and look on my affliction. And were my head lifted up, you would hunt me like a lion and again work wonders against me. You renew your witnesses against me and increase your vexation toward me; you bring fresh troops against me.
Job 10:1-17 (ESV)
You could read just a couple sentences and be disturbed by Job’s attitude towards the Lord. But he sounds like many abuse victims with whom I have spoken.
Victims are angry. They are frustrated. They don’t get how God could put them through what they have gone through.
It reminds me of Mia’s story. As Mia continued to hold fast to the Lord, the added pain of suffering at the hands of God’s servants (leaders in the church), only exacerbated the misery. Or Kani’s story of questioning what God was doing . . . or if he needed to be a better Christian.
Job did not reject God. He questioned the Lord and was angry at the Lord. But he did not reject Him.
Though he slay me, I will hope in him; yet I will argue my ways to his face.
Job 13:15 (ESV)
But I want you to see that Job’s friends responded to these and other complaints by Job much like most of us want to respond when sitting in a victim’s story. As we hear their hurt, complaints, suffering, and what we would deem bad theology, we want to fix them. We have a unquenchable urge to straighten them out. Get them on the road to healing ASAP.
I have heard this over and over. The theologically astute want so badly to clean up the attitudes and comments of victims. Listeners feel they must clear the air and defend the Lord. They must get the victim on the path to righteousness. . . to just get over it.
And, by no means, criticize the Lord!
But Learn from Job
Listen to the Lord. Hear the end of the story:
After the LORD had spoken these words to Job, the LORD said to Eliphaz the Temanite: “My anger burns against you and against your two friends, for you have not spoken of me what is right, as my servant Job has. Now therefore take seven bulls and seven rams and go to my servant Job and offer up a burnt offering for yourselves. And my servant Job shall pray for you, for I will accept his prayer not to deal with you according to your folly. For you have not spoken of me what is right, as my servant Job has.” So Eliphaz the Temanite and Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite went and did what the LORD had told them, and the LORD accepted Job’s prayer.
Job 42:7-9 (ESV)
You would think, like Eliphaz did, that the Lord would come down on Job. Job’s words had been biting. They had been directed at the Lord of the universe. The One who created all things and does only good and right.
But Job says, “Does it seem good to you to oppress, to despise the work of your hands and favor the designs of the wicked?”
Any mature Christian would want to say, “Are you kidding me? How dare you talk of the Lord this way?”
His friends defended the Lord. They responded with many correct theological statements. How dare Job talk to God this way.
Zophar said in response to Job’s complaint:
“Should a multitude of words go unanswered, and a man full of talk be judged right? Should your babble silence men, and when you mock, shall no one shame you? For you say, ‘My doctrine is pure, and I am clean in God’s eyes.’
Job 11:2-4 (ESV)
Zophar is righteously indignant. Sounds great. Accurate. Scriptural.
But, the Lord instead tells him and his other friends, “My anger burns against you.” Their words were wrong . . . and Job’s were right!
Wow.
So, next time you sit down and listen to a survivor, consider keeping your mouth shut.
Oh that you would keep silent, and it would be your wisdom!
Job 13:5 (ESV)
Consider Job. Consider Eliphaz.
Consider that the Lord of the universe is on the victim’s side. And He is hearing His servant Job. You would do well to do the same.
This Article is Part Three of a series telling the stories of two women who were sexually abused, one of their families, and the church leadership that misused their spiritual authority in response.This article includes topics such as sexual assault, domestic violence, physical violence, and spiritual abuse. I acknowledge that this content may be difficult. I also encourage you to care for your safety and well-being.
“As a pastor’s daughter I was always expected to be a bigger person.” Mia is a tough girl. She has been through a whole lot in her life.
A turning point for her was when she was sexually molested by a son of a Deacon in her church at ten years old. Her father was an Associate Pastor and he and her mom noted her change in behavior after that. But knew nothing about the assault. [Mia’s mother and father noted in a video they created that he had assaulted another girl and the church had handled it badly, covering it up and giving him a slap on the wrist.]
There was something “dirty” about that horrible experience, but she saw it as her own rather than the perpetrator’s sin. She just couldn’t bring herself to share it with her parents or others in the church.
So, it stayed hidden for years.
Mia went through two more horrendous experiences of violence—forcefully sexually molested a short time after and then raped by a youth pastor and his friend when she was 14 years old.
Like many who have been sexually assaulted, Mia took it on herself and did not share her story for many years. There were more than the usual reasons for her to remain silent about these horrible sins that were not her fault at all.
Unsafe Church
Mia was raised in an unsafe church environment.
As I listened to her story, I was overwhelmed with sadness, anger, and disappointment as I heard the litany of reasons why Mia has left the church. But, to be clear, she has not left Jesus, just the church. The bride of Christ has horribly added to her suffering and she cannot even enter a church without a raised heart rate and breaking out in a sweat.
At one point in our conversation Mia apologized to me, knowing that I am a leader in the church. But, I could only shake my head and commiserate with her. I know that many have experienced the kind of oppressive behavior Mia has in the church.
Mia’s story is for leaders who want to make church a safe place for sinners who have been sinned against in often the most egregious ways. Church leadership—elders, deacons, Sunday school teachers, etc. —are called by the Lord (like everyone else) to be a solace to the vulnerable among us.
As was written in the blog prior to this, Mia went to the elders in her church believing that this was what a congregant member should do when struggling in her marriage. Though she didn’t know it at the time she went to them, her husband had been having an affair for several years and his paramour was pregnant with his child.
When Mia approached the elders, she shared openly her stories of sexual abuse. She also shared the sinful life she had lived during her teen years following those assaults.
Mia had abused alcohol and drugs and had an abortion when she was 16. She explained that it was about two years before coming to the elders that she had really dealt with her abortion. Mia shared that when she had her first child, she felt shame, believing that she should have been judged by God and should not have been allowed to get pregnant again.
She believes that this attitude came from the Pharisaical teaching of her childhood church.
Mia was still living with this kind of self-loathing despite knowing Jesus’ forgiveness when she came to the elders.
Rather than consider the incredible violations of Mia as an image-bearer when men used her body so wickedly, one of the elders (Sam) wanted her to know she was still dealing with consequences. It did not appear that he had any concern for the forgiveness she was promised in Christ. He couldn’t get beyond her long-ago sin in order to focus on the healing and help she needed in her marriage and from the after-affects of sexual assaults.
Mia explained that Sam said “she was a horrible sinner and needed to deal with this.” She went on, “I had created a godly family with my husband, but Sam had to go back and pound on those times.”
Those times for which Jesus had forgiven her.
As Mia explained, “He was never kind. He never said, ‘We will get through this.'” Mia said, “He is such a prideful man…convinced he is an amazing person.“
As explained in the earlier blog, Mia suffered under a leadership that was more concerned about following their church rules than the love of Christ. Instead of responding to her hurt and trauma, they had to protect their own leader at all costs when she challenged Sam’s shepherding.
They have never held Sam accountable for his failure to shepherd Mia as Christ has called His elders to shepherd.
Oppressed by the Church
What has Mia learned from her church leadership?
She said she had to leave the church to find healing.
At one point, when I asked what had most helped her healing, Mia said, “To be free from the church.”
She explained, “Separating from that church took away their power.” Mia had been raised to respect and honor the authority church leaders have been given by Christ. But, that power had been misused to crush their sheep and their Phariseeism and failure to love and serve God’s people, to which Christ calls His leaders, destroyed Mia’s respect for them.
Mia shook her head, “It is so sad that non-Christian friends are way more understanding. They don’t judge you that you didn’t come to Sunday school two weeks.”
But There are Some
However, Mia has found some healing from those who take Jesus’s calling seriously. She described being dragged to an organization called “Journey to Heal Ministries” when she was still bitter and angry.
When she was introduced in the meeting, she said, “I would not lie about my life anymore.” She expected a response like she had received in her church, but the response was so different.
“They said, ‘We are so happy to have you here.’ I wrote my story and was apologizing like crazy and they told me, ‘IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.’ It was the first time I had heard that from Christians. It was the most healing from my sexual abuse.”
The spiritual abuse continues to gnaw at her soul. But, Mia said, “My dad is very important. He says, ‘It’s okay to be where you are at.‘” She continued, “In the old days, it was discipline until you get to where you need to be. But, now it’s okay to struggle. I am not kept at an arm’s distance from my parents. When leaders lie to you, you have to question.”
Her parents are okay with that now.
Mia has remarried a good man and hopes her story can help others trapped in legalistic and uncaring church environments.
Where Do We Go
I am praying that church leaders who hear Mia’s story will recognize their own tendencies of self-protection and failure to extend grace to those who bear their souls before them. Jesus covers the sins of these hurting lambs and those sins are removed as far as the East is from the West.
And when it comes to those who have been horribly sinned against, like in Mia’s case, look to the Good Shepherd as an example. “A bruised reed he will not break, and a faintly burning wick he will not quench.” [Isaiah 42:3]
This article includes topics such as sexual assault, domestic violence, stalking, physical violence, and spiritual abuse. I acknowledge that this content may be difficult. I also encourage you to care for your safety and well-being.
Second in a three-part series on two women who were sexually abused, one of their families, and the church leadership that failed to protect and care for them.
“I felt so dirty and worthless and useless and to be reminded of my worth in Christ is something I still depend on to this day when the doubts creep in.“
You would think that some former druggie, murderer, or adulterer said this. Looking back at his great sin, he turned to Jesus to see that He continues to love him though, like King David, he had failed miserably. But, now, he had turned from his sin in repentance.
But, that wasn’t the case.
Emily was raped.
Her great evil was being sexually molested repeatedly by a neighbor when a child and then being raped repeatedly by her boyfriend both before and during their engagement.
Her church leaders have said these were Emily’s fault.
Her church leadership not only turned a blind eye to her rapist, but told her she was shut out from the kingdom of heaven. Rather than be reminded of her “worth in Christ,” she has been crushed by God’s shepherds.
Like in Mia’s case (see her story) Emily’s church was not some radical fringe, cultish group. Rather, she was raised in a small, but respected denomination that prides itself on doctrinal thoughtfulness and purity.
But her church leadership has acted with anything but thoughtfulness or purity. They have acted with as great an evil as I have seen in these cases of leadership abuse.
Emily’s Story
Emily went through a period of blindness and attended a blind school for a short time when she was 18. She told me, the blindness was diagnosed as due to PTSD from her childhood sexual molestation and has since been resolved.
She said she began dating Jeff out of rebellion there but was “forcibly stopped” by her parents. They “tricked” her into leaving the school leading her to believe they had a family emergency. She explained, “They refused to let me out of the vehicle once they confronted me about my relationship” with Jeff.
Emily soon after attended a Christian singles conference where she met Chip. He was a big man and a member of one of her denominational churches in another city. They met up once again the following summer when they both attended the conference again and began “dating” over email.
Emily had no desire to marry Chip, but she explained to me, “I felt like I was used goods and nobody else would ever want me after that.” She and Chip ended up getting engaged.
But, she discovered him to be controlling and he hurt her repeatedly, physically and sexually, even before they were engaged.
Following one of his rapes she was taken to the Emergency Room where he remained by her bedside every minute. One of the nurses wrote in Emily’s record that she was very concerned about the “psychological circumstances of family at the bedside” along with several other comments about who was with her in the ER room. It can only be assumed that Chip was keeping a close watch on what she would report to the doctors and the nurse had suspicions as to the cause of her injuries.
Emily has pictures of the bruising. She said,
“I did try to report this to the [church leadership] but was rebuked and told to stop slandering my [fiance] in order to balm my own conscience.”
In addition, Chip had made comments that “he had molested both of his sisters as children and hoped that I could produce several daughters during our marriage.”
Emily was frightened and confused.
She reached out to Jeff once again. He offered to put her up in an apartment he had access to while she healed.
Emily stayed up all night, packed up what she could in garbage bags, and left her family’s home without them knowing. She told me,
“I left a 4-page letter on the kitchen table for my parents and Chip. [During] the entire trip to [Jeff’s city] Chip blew up my phone constantly. In the past if I didn’t answer messages and calls immediately he would hound me and others until I responded.“
That evening and well into the night, Emily’s father and other church leaders were texting and messaging her. They were
“begging me to come home for the good of my soul and blasting me for the sins they thought I had committed, including living with a man I wasn’t married to. Never mind that we had separate apartments.”
In time, her father quit contacting her, but her pastor continued messaging unabated. Emily was being “shunned” by her family and “hounded” by her pastor.
“I asked many times to be allowed to show evidence of the sexual abuse and physical abuse – both in the form of deep bruises and scars (that were still visible months later) and electronic proof I had gathered and kept.”
Since her mother was not speaking to her, Emily even offered evidence of the abuse to a lady in her church.
Emily said,
“Pastor Johnson said anything I submitted would be useless and automatically dismissed/denied because of the way I had left made me an ‘unreliable witness.’ I was not even allowed to submit proof since it was simply an attempt for me to excuse my sexual immorality.”
Playing the Harlot
Emily was compared to Jezebel. She was told she had “played the harlot.” She was told she could be “Rahab” (a prostitute) though needed the redemption Rahab got and she didn’t have.
She was called a “whore.”
Emily was told she had “lied to Chip” because she had not told him she was leaving.
“I was told that as a condition of repentance I would need to send Chip an apology letter specifically citing the sexual sins in full, explicit detail that I had led him into and for breaking my ‘vows of betrothal to him.‘”
She sent a letter that she described as full of the “juicy details.” But, Emily also begged to show the church leaders her evidence of abuse.
Her letter wasn’t good enough. She was planning to marry Jeff, who was a Catholic, and that showed she was unrepentant. It was believed that he could not be a Christian and Catholic.
She was then required to tell Jeff she did not believe he was a Christian and he was going to hell.
Emily was excommunicated by the church.
To Open and Shut the Kingdom Gates
“After the excommunication it was as if I no longer existed. Pastor Johnson had told me I was also being excommunicated because Jeff was Catholic and he told me that they, as elders, had the authority to open and shut the gates of heaven. And that they were shut to me.”
It was a Catholic priest who was most helpful in her healing. Emily told me the priest assured her, “Whatever sins I had committed I had been forgiven for by my faith in Jesus’s sacrifice and that it was time to also heal from the spiritual and physical wounds I had.”
The priest offered to have a couple Sisters sit with her.
Amazingly, Emily continued to seek the blessing of her former church. She reached out to them a year later and they told her she needed to show at least 8-12 months of repentance for her membership to be reinstated. Emily said she lived in “absolute terror of making an error.“
As evidence of repentance, Emily was told to remove pictures of her wedding from Facebook that included her new husband with the feet of Jesus in the background.
Emily said, “I was required to stand in front of the congregation while my sins were read aloud in graphic specifics.” However, her parents were unwilling to see her so she was not present when they read her “confession” to the church.
She “started to wear a head covering and only wore long skirts to further exhibit humility and submission since Pastor Johnson said that humility was a sign of repentance.”
Where To Now?
Emily is crying out. She has been so deeply hurt by the church and her family, on top of the trauma caused by sexual abuses she has suffered over the years. She has held it in, trying to go on with her life. But she wants her story to help others.
She has received so little vindication. It took much for her to open up to others about the spiritual abuse she has faced. Those with which she has trusted her spiritual growth and safety have so badly failed in ministering to her in her brokenness.
And Emily wants to see her relationship with her parents redeemed.
Who is going to humble themselves and seek her forgiveness. Who is going to recognize that their theology has gone seriously awry when they consider rape to be the woman’s fault?
Who is going to step aside from their complicity with rape and spiritual abuse and seek her forgiveness on their knees?
Unfortunately, it is not looking hopeful.
Emily needs to have the final word in her story:
“In sharing all of this I in no way excuse my sinful nature or the fact that everyday I am in need of God’s mercy and grace. That being said, I firmly believe the way I was treated was grossly negligent and spiritually abusive. I need safety and support. I needed shepherding and healing. All I found when I most needed love and light was damnation and darkness. I came to them bleeding and broken and they left me more broken still.
Growing up dad and mom taught us God uses broken, fallen vessels for his purpose and glory . . . I can’t help but think this is one of those cases. I found safety with Jeff when literally no one else was safe or could provide that safety for me. And we have a beautiful family and my husband loves the Lord and we are raising our daughters to know their worth in Christ and His love.“
