Category Archives: Toxic Systems

Going Back to Abuse: What In the World Just Happened?

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One of the great [supposed] mysteries of abusive relationships is why a victim continues to return to their abuser? What is it that drives a survivor of domestic violence back to the scene of the crime multiple times?

One survey of domestic abuse survivors discovered that on average, victims return to their abusers 6.3 times.

“How Survivors Have Left an Abuser for Good,” n.d., https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/escaping-violence/how-survivors-have-left-an-abuser-for-good.

Why does she do that?

We might be asking ourselves a similar question:

Why do we do stay under abusive leadership in Christian organizations?

There is a significant difference between being married and serving under a toxic boss in the workplace. But, for those who serve in Christian ministries, there may be some similarities that make it particularly hard to leave an abusive leader behind.

The following are some of the reasons given by domestic violence experts for why a victim returns to her abusive partner. And for each, how these same reasons pop up within the toxic workplace.

Number 1

  • “The victim feeling that the relationship is a mix of good times, love and hope along with the manipulation, intimidation and fear.”[2]

There are at least a couple ways to look at this when staying with a toxic leader.

First, we know that the Lord turns evil into good on a regular basis. He is gracious in that way.

Unfortunately, we sometimes stick it out, living in fear and suffering because we have a false understanding of suffering for Christ. We might think we are “suffering for Christ” and thinking we have a duty to stay.

It is important to remember firstly that when God’s people are told they may suffer for the Lord and should remain in that place of suffering, it is normally in the context of having no other option.

  • Being a Christian means we do not deny Him to the world…and that can bring persecution and suffering. (2 Tim. 2:12) We cannot leave the world and so must suffer for Jesus because we are His people.
  • Also consider Peter’s call to slaves in 1 Peter 2:18f. Peter tells them to hang in there with a good attitude. Where did they have to go? They could not simply quit their jobs. In addition, Peter goes on through the end of his letter talking generally about suffering as a Christian. Again, this suffering was unjust and due to being stuck in their circumstances.

An employee of a Christian organization is not stuck in his place like a slave or a Christian in the first century suffering under a government that outlawed Christianity. Just as Jesus, Paul, and Peter provide examples of fleeing from suffering, we have that option when facing off with a toxic leader. [See Jn. 12:36, Acts 9:23-25, 12:6-17]

Secondly, many feel that the good times outweigh the bad. They continue to look back on their ministry with rose-colored glasses and see all the good they believe they have done. They fail to see all the trauma that it is causing them in the now. They may not realize that every spiritual and emotional wound they suffer carries a bag full of physical effects – negatively changing neural pathways, creating unfounded fears and illnesses from the stress. [See this blog]

It is like the frog who is being boiled. It starts out cold and the progressive increase in temperature is so gradual it is imperceptible to the frog. In the end, he boils to death. So, the one who continually looks back or forward through lenses that make it impossible to see the evil being done to them and others.

Unfortunately, over time, those who remain committed to these toxic leaders find their spiritual, emotional, and physical lives chipped away. Often, when they finally jump out of the pot they despise missions, Christian organizations, the church, or even Christ.

Number 2

  • “Nowhere Else to Go. In a survey on DomesticShelters.org, 43 percent of respondents said they returned to an abuser after finding out their local domestic violence shelter could not accommodate them. Lack of having somewhere to go (e.g. no friends or family to help, no money for hotel, shelter programs are full or limited by length of stay)”

The variation on this for the employee of a toxic Christian organization is that they have no other job prospects or they fear the shame of returning from the mission field.

This, combined with number 1, can be deadly to the Christian.

It is scary to step out of what you have become accustomed. It was maybe your dream job when you got it, and to admit seeming defeat is frightening.

Be assured, joining a Christian organization is almost always a shock. The red flags are not always visible and rarely are we particularly open to seeing them when looking for a job. It is extremely hard to believe that Christian leaders can be so wicked.

My own parents saw the toxins much sooner than I did in our Christian ministry.

It is important to remember that the Lord has taken you, led you, and provided for you in the past and He can in the future. If this job is causing mental, spiritual, and physical health problems, then trust the Lord and get out.

Number 3

  • “Fear...Domestic violence is rooted in a desire to control another individual through coercion or threats. An abuser may tell the survivor that if they don’t come back home, the abuser will find them and harm or kill them, their children, their extended family or their beloved pets.” 

This is really a variation on number 2. Employees feel trapped in that they know they will not receive a good reference if they leave the organization. Again, they fear being back in the chase for a job…and do so without a good reference from their abusive boss.

Unfortunately, this can be a real problem. Yet, again we have to remember who is in control of our future. Does the Lord know the mess you are in? Yes. Does He care that you are in that mess? Yes. Can He rescue you and bring you to a land of milk and honey? Absolutely.

Trust Him. Get out. Quick.

Number 4

  • “Psychological Control or Brainwashing. Many abusers use these tactics, which may also be called emotional abuse or coercive control, in order to convince the survivor that the only person who can truly love them or keep them safe is the abuser.”

One toxic organization variation on this one is the development of image. Common to most toxic organizations is the leader’s image building. The leaders will go to great lengths to build up the image of the organization in the minds of anyone who will listen.

And it is likely you have thirsted for that koolaid in your pride of ministry. You wanted to hear how great your ministry was…especially compared to other ministries. You soaked up their boasts.

Leaders say such things as, “We do ministry the best of them all” or “God has specially blessed us in ways other ministries just don’t have” are said over and over until they truly believe their own press.

And you have likely believed the press as well. I remember coming to that realization after six years with our organization. I found myself constantly comparing our wonderful ministry with others.

But, remember, a toxic organization is not particularly blessed. Nor does it do ministry the best of them all. In fact, they are the worst. There really are organizations out there that practice love and integrity with all their stakeholders.

Wouldn’t you rather be part of that?

Get Out. Now.

I can say this because I finally did. But, I know how difficult it really is.

It took me years to get it. I didn’t listen to others. I found great pride in my organization. I couldn’t imagine doing anything else.

Each of the above reasons why a survivor continues to return to her abuser were true of me staying in my organization.

But, it is not too late. Honestly evaluate the benefits of the trauma you are facing and horrendous witness to Christ your organization is displaying.

And get out. Now.

NOTES

[1] “How Survivors Have Left an Abuser for Good,” n.d., https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/escaping-violence/how-survivors-have-left-an-abuser-for-good.

[2] “NCADV | National Coalition Against Domestic Violence,” accessed March 7, 2022, https://ncadv.org/why-do-victims-stay.

Wounded Resisters: A Church Called Tov

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Some time ago, I listened to an interview with Scot McNight and his daughter, Laura Barringer, who together wrote the helpful book on toxic leadership, “A Church Called Tov.” 

Barringer was at Willow Creek Church when Bill Hybel’s kingdom came crashing down. Like so many churches and organizations under toxic leaders, Willow Creek had indeed become a kingdom unto Bill Hybels. If you hear him tell his story, it is a good one. From a strange (and maybe abusive) upbringing and forced travels around the world as a teenager, Hybels built an incredibly globally respected ministry.

Crushing the Underlings

However, his toxic leadership has crushed many of those who relied upon him for godly wisdom and leadership. When the pastor, who is to be respected for their walk with Christ, is actually feeding on the sheep – women, especially in Hybel’s case – it can be difficult for a church member to separate their faith in Christ from their faith in the leader. Though there should be no comparison, experience tells us that the trauma caused by abusive leadership has horrible effects on those who are taken advantage of.

As McNight noted, toxic church culture is detrimental to people growing in Christ. Both the leader himself and those who are “retainers around him who are supporting this person” create a vortex of manipulation from which it is hard to extract oneself. As one missionary told me recently, our growth in Christ is stunted by those who abuse their spiritual authority by turning our hearts from Christ. And it is difficult to burrow out from under their abuse.

Masters of Persona and Image

Toxic leaders so often are “masters of persona and image.” They draw people to their charisma and charm or strong, confident preaching. They may express little or gobs of humility from the pulpit…whichever draw the crowds. Mark Driscoll was arrogant and swaggering from the pulpit. His followers loved getting beat up, driving them to follow Christ with a passion (and arrogance). 

On the other hand, the preacher may exude kindness and care and humility, drawing those who are hurting and downtrodden. 

For the average church goer, these toxic leaders often are a distant attraction. The pew-sitter simply enjoys the preaching and shares the sermons on social media for friends. However, those who begin to involve themselves in the inner workings of the church, whether as volunteers or employees, begin to suffer the abuse firsthand. 

Questioning

Over time, invariably, they begin to question themselves. But, as McNight noted, there is guilt at the thought that they think such thoughts that their leader is toxic. He said, “Ordinary people trust pastors and think they speak for God – think they are spiritually superior.” 

When they begin to have questions they figure it is their own fault. And toxic leaders know this. They take advantage of the trust that people put in them because they are pastors. In addition, McNight said people “close to famous pastors feel they are special and pastors trade on that.” Followers don’t want to be put out of community.

Boz Tchividjian, who interviewed McNight and Barringer, explained that these toxic leaders know this dynamic that a person “will second-guess themselves.” He said, the leader’s “goal is to keep that person silent.” So, they will use their power and the congregant’s fear to control the narrative. The leader will do all they can to “help” the church member question themselves.

Boz noted that in time, somebody comes forward and questions the leadership. But the response they get “automatically triggers this false narrative spinning.” The response often has little to do with the substance of the original issue. “The victim becomes the bad guy. They are marginalized and ostracized.”

Getting Rid of Bad Apples

The title of the book, “A Church Called Tov” comes from the Hebrew word meaning “goodness.” McNight and Barringer named the book as a positive goal for Christians to build churches that are “good” rather than toxic. They wrote to help people identify the bad apples and cultures that spring up under toxic leadership.

The authors encourage church members to look for a “pocket of TOV” in their church. Whether that is a small group Bible study or other group.

And then, become “wounded resisters.” Those who, though deeply hurt by their experience under toxic leadership, dig in and resist the urge to give up on Jesus and His body. I am fond of quoting, “The church is a whore . . . but she is the bride of Christ.” Though she is as white as snow, washed clean in the blood of Jesus, nonetheless, in this world, she is broken and sinful. 

McNight and Barringer suggested returning to the Gospels to read the stories of Jesus. “Get vision there. Let Him minister to you. Don’t think all your spiritual ministry will come through the pastor. There’s hope on the other side.“

Ultimatey we all need to come back to Jesus. For He embodies Tov.

Get your copy of “A Church Called Tov” – KINDLE or Hardback (Pearls and Swine does get a commission from Amazon if you order through these links)

Psalm 59: Jealousy & Toxic Leadership

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David wrote Psalm 59 when he was only a middle-manager.

He had been hired as King Saul’s go-to-guy for making him feel better when overwhelmed with a “harmful spirit.” [1 Sam. 16:14-23] David was called in to minister to Saul with his great musical talent to calm Saul. Then David showed his trust in the Lord, his courage, and his skill as a warrior by defeating Goliath not long after.

It was meteoric rise to middle-management for David as both Saul’s comforter and Saul’s commander of the army.

But, Saul had his own sin to deal with and it became clear that he did not deal with it well.

Jealousy, rage, anger and all common toxic leadership traits are displayed in the following chapters of 1st Samuel as the transfer of power from man’s choice of leader/king (Saul) and God’s choice of leader/king (David) is played out.

Psalm 59 begins with an explanation of when David wrote the song:

To the choirmaster: according to Do Not Destroy. A Miktam of David, when Saul sent men to watch his house in order to kill him.

Pride and jealousy. It is extraordinary what these sins can do to a leader.

1st Samuel describes in chapter 19 that David went out to war with the Philistines, doing what he was called to do, and “struck them with a great blow.” However, it goes on to say that a “harmful spirit” came on Saul while sitting around. Saul took up a spear when David returned from war and was using his great talent of music-making in Saul’s house to calm him.

Saul tried to kill David with the spear but David escaped.

A man may respond in his wickedness the way Saul did in a normal relationship by trying to bring another man down due to his jealousy. However, the power that the king wielded provides both the ability and seeming motivation for destroying his competition.

Saul, as king, at least believed and actually did have the power to destroy a man in his employ. Just as many leaders in the church or Christian organization think they have the right and power to rid themselves of those they see as competitors.

The Christianity Today podcasts on Mark Driscoll and Mars Hill have made it abundantly clear that Saul is alive and well among ministry leaders today.

Listen Here

The basis of Psalm 59 is David simply doing what he was called to do – go and fight with the Philistines and bring deliverance to Israel from their oppressors to which God had called them. Yet, the very one (Saul) who asks him to do this is overwhelmed with evil desires.

How often does this happen to leaders? It takes great commitment and self-awareness to battle these temptations. 

The temptation comes when a person gains some form of power over another person and allows it to go to his head. The temptation to crush someone of whom you are jealous is always great in this broken world of sin. But when that temptation is combined with the power to actually do some crushing, it often gives birth to further sin and chaos.

Unless we fight the temptation by the power of the Holy Spirit – the only One more powerful than our sinful passions.

But Saul didn’t fight it. Saul tried to kill David with his spear multiple times in his power-drunken state.

1st Samuel 18 then tells us Saul goes after David using subordinates who willingly spy on David’s house. This behavior is typical for abusive leadership of any sort – the gathering of comrades to help with the dirty work. Though we can have some grace for subordinates who are willing to do the bidding of wicked leaders, they are yet responsible before God for their like oppressive behavior.

The writer tells us that Saul’s intentions are to kill David in the morning. Thus, Psalm 59 is written.

Many of us have had this Psalm to write. Being under a leader that fails to curb his appetite for power and then the temptation to wield it against those who perform well in their employ can be dicey.

And deeply traumatizing. The affects of toxic leadership are well documented and experienced by many with whom I have spoken. David, later in the Psalm, describes the words of abusers as “swords in their lips.” [Ps. 59:7] Their words cut and kill. There are real affects to abusive leadership on the psyche and physical health of employees.

It is up to boards and governing authorities to take their oversight responsibly to get rid of toxic leaders. The toxic leader’s gifts and talents will never make up for the hurt and destruction they cause in their jealousy and authoritarian attitudes.

Tongues Are Sharp As Swords: Verbal Abuse in the Bible

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My soul is in the midst of lions; I lie down amid fiery beasts— the children of man, whose teeth are spears and arrows, whose tongues are sharp swords.

Psalm 57:4 (ESV)

Tongues are sharp swords.

Those who suggest emotional or verbal abuse are not really abuse need to consider scripture and psychology. Giving the benefit of the doubt, maybe they just don’t know anyone who has clung onto a job under an authoritarian, mean boss or the wounds a woman has suffered from being beaten down by words, lied to, and demeaned for years upon years.

They think unless there are outward physical marks, it just isn’t abuse.

But the pain inflicted by people’s words are deep. They oppress not just by physical force but by the cutting and stabs of those words.

David suffered anquish from Saul’s abusive words. How Saul was seeking to isolate David. How he went into rages against him. Though there was physical violence as well (trying to kill David), Saul’s lying and hateful words were deeply hurtful as well.

And David acknowledges that in Psalm 57.

“Swords” cut to the core of the person. They are not made to take a mole off cleanly like a scalpel. They tear and rip the body apart. David’s inerrent terminology told us nearly 3000 years ago what psychologists have been saying only in the last century.

But there are actual physical wounds born from verbal abuse. With modern technology, we can take brain scans to map the damage done by verbal abuse.

Harvard scientists recently said, “Our findings raise the possibility that exposure to verbal aggression [abuse] may affect the development of certain vulnerable brain regions in susceptible individuals.” They found that repeated verbal abuse has “as great an effect as physical or nondomestic sexual mistreatment.”

The study concluded,

“Verbal aggression alone turns out to be a particularly strong risk factor for depression, anger-hostility, and dissociation disorders.”

The Harvard Gazette

As you read David’s Psalms that were penned during his conflict with the abuser Saul (King of Israel), you see these signs in his writing. Consider the following [italics are mine]:

Evening and morning and at noon
I utter my complaint and moan,
and he hears my voice.

Psalm 55:17 (ESV)

You have kept count of my tossings;
put my tears in your bottle.
Are they not in your book?

Psalm 56:8 (ESV)

And then David names it – verbal abuse:

O God, break the teeth in their mouths;
tear out the fangs of the young lions, O LORD!

Psalm 58:6 (ESV)

David, who would become king of Israel, knew emotional abuse. He certainly knew physical abuse as well. [And, he sexually abused Bathsheba.]

Those who question the validity of calling people, who constantly tear others apart with their words, “abusers,” have either failed to read God’s Word closely enough or have not experienced the debilitating effects of verbal abuse themselves.

Call it what it is…give the victim safety . . . and hold the abuser accountable.

Authorized Unity: Loyalty, Allegiance and Fidelity

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“If you are not trusting me, you are not trusting God…”

When a collaborative church planting network chose Jennifer’s city for a new faith community, she and her husband were excited. They had enjoyed being involved in another church plant years before in another city.

Continue reading →

Sweet Vindication [of God]

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I wrote a blog a couple years ago that described my frustration at seeing the online praise and honor given to a toxic leader of a Christian organization. He had died and he was praised on social media by several who knew his toxic leadership.

I was frustrated by the lack of vindication. I had suffered under his ungodly leadership and I felt isolated. Quite frankly, I would have prefered having those same people explaining his toxic leadership on social media.

My friends contacted me soon after that blog to apologize for their honoring of this toxic leader.

In addition, In just a short time, I have witnessed (not on the spot, mind you) the burning down of one church, the flooding of another, and death of another tormentor (ministry leader). The two churches were those who had horribly mistreated sexual abuse victims and supported their perpetrators.

Ah, vindication.

Today I was reading in Psalm 54 and got another take on this by the Holy Spirit impressing upon me God’s vindication. I was deeply challenged for the attitudes I have had.

Psalm 54 says “strangers have risen up against me.” But David, the composer, says,

Behold, God is my helper;
the Lord is the upholder of my life.
He will return the evil to my enemies;
in your faithfulness put an end to them.

Psalm 54:4-5 (ESV)

I was struck by David’s confidence that the Lord would “return the evil” to his enemies.

A question came to mind: Will that “evil” God returns to my enemies be in this life (through trials and tribulations), the end of their life, or simply in the final judgment? He says, in faithfulness, he will “put an end to them.”

I wondered if the end of those who attack God’s people is consistently a horrible end? Maybe they will suffer financial disaster. Or flooding and fire. Or broken relationships with those close to them. Or some particularly difficult death?

Asaph certainly didn’t think so:

For I was envious of the arrogant
when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.
For they have no pangs until death;
their bodies are fat and sleek.
They are not in trouble as others are;
they are not stricken like the rest of mankind.

Psalm 73:3-5 (ESV)

Whether or not God judges these people, who are set against God’s children, by bringing visible hurt upon them in this life or not, there will be vindication for His people according to David in Psalm 54.

I felt badly that others had praised my tormentor (ministry leader) but David, in Psalm 54, showed me that my vindication comes by God’s hand. I need not see it through man’s judgment. And certainly not on social media! I can rest in forgiveness knowing that God will either bring my oppressor around to repentance or bring him to the grave to face eternal fire or a cleansing of glory (if a true believer).

I will be vindicated…but it will be by the Lord.

David’s words are freeing. They set free my captive heart to see the vindication I so desire. I can lay my head down knowing that it matters not in what form that vindication comes. My God, the Creator of the Universe, is on my side because I am His child.

And He will bring His justice to pass…either by convincing the abuser of his wickedness or bringing him well-earned justice.

God’s vindication is just right.

Rest, oh anxious heart.

Enabling Abusers: Saul and the Ziphites

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Saul was just like the other kings. Israel had asked for one. And they got one.

He was a rotten leader. Often we downplay his wicked leadership.

Psalm 54 is described as a song that David wrote when he was ratted out by the Ziphites when Saul was hot on his tail. David, God’s anointed king to replace Saul, had been Saul’s greatest supporter. But when Saul began to see David’s popularity for being such a gifted warrior—abilities David used for the purpose of supporting King Saul—Saul’s wickedness became evident.

David had no intention, we are told, to replace Saul. He had multiple opportunities to stage a coup, killing Saul, and rise to the throne. Yet, he said,

“The LORD forbid that I should do this thing to my lord, the LORD’S anointed, to put out my hand against him, seeing he is the LORD’S anointed.”

1 Samuel 24:6 (ESV)

But Saul, nonetheless, pursues David to murder him. Saul even had priests of the Lord murdered because they helped David, even though they did not know David was on the outs with Saul. When accused by Saul of colluding with David, the priest Ahimelech said to King Saul,

“And who among all your servants is so faithful as David, who is the king’s son-in-law, and captain over your bodyguard, and honored in your house?“

1 Samuel 22:14 (ESV)

The servant is to point to the master. And, David did just that. Ahimelech explained that David was faithful to Saul. He was his right-hand man. David, in essence, glorified Saul, his king.

And yet, Saul had all the priests killed.

Enabling Abusive Leadership

Then Saul comes to the Ziphites. From David’s own tribe, yet they are all too happy to turn David in to Saul, enabling the abusive king.

Then the Ziphites went up to Saul at Gibeah, saying, “Is not David hiding among us in the strongholds at Horesh, on the hill of Hachilah, which is south of Jeshimon? Now come down, O king, according to all your heart’s desire to come down, and our part shall be to surrender him into the king’s hand.”

Then check out what Saul said to them:

And Saul said, “May you be blessed by the LORD, for you have had compassion on me.”

1 Samuel 23:19-21 (ESV)

Matthew Henry comments on Saul’s words, “Saul affected to speak the language of piety. Such expressions, without suitable effects, can only amuse or deceive those who hear, and those who use them.”

Saul puts lovely religious language on his abuse. “You had compassion on me.”

In the book, “A Church Called Tov,” Barringer says, 

"Rather than accepting responsibility and apologizing for sin, pastors and church leaders may create false victimization narratives in which everything is reversed and the perpetrators of sexual violence become the victims."[1]

“Poor me,” Saul is saying. “I am the one who has been treated badly.”

Hear the abuse ringing through? Saul is a manipulative and wicked man. He was what the people asked for – a king like the other nations. Rather than appreciating and building up his right hand man, David, who did so much for Israel, Saul is paranoid of him and seeks to kill him.

Saul is a fool and an evil man.

A Bible Study on the Kings of Israel
Get on Amazon

Unfortunately, this is not unusual.

Twice recently I have watched as two women have suffered under their abusive husbands as their pastors continue to support their abuser. It is all too common in Christian organizations for the same thing to happen with toxic bosses.

Like the Ziphites, the board, other managers, or even other co-workers continue to enable the leader in his abuse.

And the abuser just puts on the religious charm and others are overcome with empathy for his plight.

Just like Saul. And his enablers.

NOTES:

[1] Barringer, Laura McKnight . A Church Called Tov: Forming a Goodness Culture That Resists Abuses of Power and Promotes Healing (p. 65). Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.. Kindle Edition.

Poor Judges: Problems in Presbytery

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It is hit or miss when it comes to finding justice and healing in the church or Christian organization. Just as sexual abuse cases in our civil courts rarely bring convictions, so our church “courts” and organizational boardrooms rarely bring justice to targets of church leadership abuse in its many forms.

This is not the picture we hope for of a redeemed community caring for the oppressed and seeking the Kingdom of God to reign in all the earth by Jesus’ example.

I have not written often of public cases, usually interviewing survivors anonymously. However, a recent case within the Presbyterian Church in America has garnered some unfortunate but needed attention. Charges were brought against a PCA minister for sexual abuse and harassment in a mid-western presbytery.

The public statements made by both the church court and the woman who brought the charges, make it evident that the church has deeply failed.

But it is not over yet. Because of the accuser’s incredible courage, the case is once again before the presbytery. I am amazed that she would continue to work with the church despite having been put down by them.

Many will believe that the pastor must be innocent if he was judged innocent by a church court. But the evidence brought by at least 10 women is incontrovertable if you understand abuse, particularly leadership abuse. The pastor clearly used his position to “groom” these women and exert his position of power to take advantage of them.

However, those who have not studied abuse are unlikely to recognize the signs and therefore give a pass to guilty pastors. Most of us who work in this area were in those shoes at one time. We didn’t understand abuse, nor did we name it and claim it.

Abuse is wicked and repentance should be forthcoming upon confrontation.

When blame shifting and justification are the response, a pastor is not fit to lead according to every passage in scripture that gives qualifications. [1 Timothy 3:1-7, Titus 1:5-9] I understand that God is gracious and He calls His people to mimic his mercy—Be merciful, even as your Father is merciful as Jesus said in Luke 6:36 (ESV) —but, that mercy runs out when it is not received in repentance [see article].

This blog is not intended as a place for trying the pastor for his crimes but a call to action for the church:

In order to minister well in the cases of abusive leadership, the church must provide adequate professional help.

Churches and denominations must quit depending on their normally appointed courts to hear and try cases of leadership abuse (or any abuse for that matter). It is very apparent, as we observe many abuse cases in churches of every denomination, that the average member has little understanding of abuse and they will approach it like it is “normal” sin.

Abuse is not.

Abuse is the kind of sin of which the imprecatory Psalms speak [Psalms 5, 55, 83 and 137 are examples].

Abuse is the kind of sin that Paul calls out publicly. [2 Timothy 2:17, 4:14]

Though not rare, these are unusual situations in scripture and need to be understood as unusual in our Christian ministry.

Abuse is particularly destructive to its victims and must be brought to an end decisively. It must not be trifled with.

When a leader is accused of abusive actions or words, the church needs the help of those who have studied and understand abuse to sort through the sordid details. Much as the average church member knows little about engineering a bridge, so they know little of the psychology and behaviors of abuse.

Appoint knowledgeable committees and courts. Bring in professional help and listen to them.

I am praying for churches and denominations to take the lead of those who have done their due diligence like Lookout Mountain Presbyterian and Tates Creek Presbyterian Churches. These churches have shined in their bringing truth to light.

Join me in calling our churches to respond wisely and biblically to abuse in their midst.

Humility. Humility. Humility.

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There is no place for arrogance. Or entitlement.

Common to the abuser of power in the home, church, organization, or workplace is a sense of entitlement.

Recently, I have been enjoying “The Crown,” a TV series about Queen Elizabeth and the monarchy in Britain. It is fascinating.

It is apparent that the royalty has enjoyed good and humble servants to the people. And it has suffered with arrogant and entitled snobs. These have been a burden to the common people.

Scripture gives no leeway to those who think they are particularly important. The Lord of Hosts does not take kindly to the arrogant. God does not give a hoot for those that think they deserve all the spoils of this life including wealth, honor, or comfort and will do whatever is necessary to gain them.

When David was saved from his enemies (and the wicked King Saul), he wrote a song saying,

You save a humble people,
but your eyes are on the haughty to bring them down.

2 Samuel 22:28 (ESV)

This is the consistent theme in scripture. God saves humble people. But He judges those who are puffed up with their own importance.

He has shown strength with his arm;
he has scattered the proud in the thoughts of their hearts;
he has brought down the mighty from their thrones and exalted those of humble estate

Luke 1:51-52 (ESV)

It is the Lord’s work in their hearts. They are born arrogant and self-serving, but by the grace of God, they are made to humble themselves to serve Him.

The arrogant are easy to spot.

  • They think they have all the answers.
  • They see themselves as better than everyone around them: smarter, better looking, more important.
  • They seek control of those who come up against them often in ruthless and shocking ways: angry outbursts, manipulation, isolation, firings.
  • They blame others for their own failures or feelings.
  • They never ask for help. Never acknowledge weakness.
  • They talk a lot about how others need to submit to their authority. They rely on that authority rather than on practicing good and humble leadership.
  • They talk a lot about how special their organization, family, church, or business are. Much more special than any other.
  • They do not respond to criticism: they get angry, justify, ignore…

These are just a few listed by experts in the field of leadership. [see the P&S Resources page]

It is not uncommon for those caught under such oppressive leadership to wonder if the leader is even a Christian. Their behavior seems so antithetical to Christ.

It is a question that cannot be answered in this life by God’s created beings.

The Editor of Pearls and Swine spent eight years on the mission field in Africa. His family learned much about family, community, leadership, and God’s work around the world. Read their stories.

To Africa On a Lark: A Visitor Brings a Sharp Razor

But, in the process of church discipline as described in Matthew 18, the church is to consider the unrepetant “as a Gentile and a tax collector.” This has normally been understood to mean, “treat him as a unbeliever.”

Note, he is to be seen (or treated) this way. Our judgment may be incorrect but the arrogant is clearly not following the Lord and cannot have assurance of salvation. And, the church should not give him or her that assurance.

For the humble leaders…there is much assurance and encouragement found in scripture.

He leads the humble in what is right,
and teaches the humble his way.

Psalm 25:9 (ESV)

The LORD lifts up the humble;
he casts the wicked to the ground.

Psalm 147:6 (ESV)

Are you under the tyranical hand of a toxic leader? A “mocker,” as Dan Allender (and Proverbs) calls them?

Be assured that the Lord will, in time, lift you up and cast the arrogant to the ground.

Are you a tyranical or toxic leader? Turn to the Lord. Trusting in Him and repentance are your only assurance of His saving work in your life.

 

Though They Rage…God is Our Refuge

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Recently, I have been meditating upon and journaling in the Psalms. In particular, I have focused on two Psalms: numbers 44 and 46. Both were written by the Sons of Korah, likely descendents of the Korah of Numbers 16.

The fact that these descendents wrote hymns of praise for the Jews and Christians is a testament to God’s redemptive work. It is their “father” (generations before) that rose up against Moses and Aaron, and likewise against Yahweh, and was judged for his rebellion. Yet, these children of Korah have provided a valuable part of our worship of the Lord through their penning of several Psalms.

Placing these two Psalms in juxtaposition have been helpful to my own meditation in God’s word as I consider abusive leadership in the home and workplace. Psalm 44 is clasified is a cry for mercy and Psalm 46 a Psalm of praise. It is almost as if the Sons of Korah wrote Psalm 44 in depression and, when God brought them out, followed up in the writing of Psalm 46.

I have seen many sufferers of toxic leadership sink into depression and rise from those ashes as they came out of the bondage of that abuse.

Psalm 44 begins with reminders of God’s faithful care of His people. He had driven out the nations. He had ordained salvation for His people. He had put to shame those who hated His people.

But, alas, the psalmists explain, the Lord has now seemingly rejected them.

But you have rejected us and disgraced us
and have not gone out with our armies.
10 You have made us turn back from the foe,
and those who hate us have gotten spoil.
11 You have made us like sheep for slaughter
and have scattered us among the nations.
12 You have sold your people for a trifle,
demanding no high price for them.
13 You have made us the taunt of our neighbors,
the derision and scorn of those around us.

Psalm 44:9-13 (ESV)

Yahweh hasn’t been with them. God’s children have not won the war. They are like a meak and weak lamb that is taken away and slaughtered. They have been exiled to lands not their own. The people are sold for a pittance…they are seemingly worth nothing to the Lord. They are ridiculed and scorned by arrogant abusers that surround them.

Don’t you feel like that sometimes? Why, oh Lord, are you not acting on my behalf? If you love me so tenderly, then why am I in such straits? Why did you lead me into a mission work where I am abused by my leadership? Why did you give me such a horrendous marriage?

The hurt and sorrow can be so overwhelming that we want to “curse God and die” as Job’s wife counseled him to do in the midst of his great agony.

Job 2:9

There is no resolution to this lament in Psalm 44. It ends with a cry for mercy from the Lord. Save us, oh Lord! Redeem us – buy us back from our suffering.

Songs like Psalm 44 are sweet parts of our Bible. They are truthful, down-to-earth, emotional expressions of God’s children. We can sing them and be right there with the authors. We can commune with our fellow travelers on our spiritual journeys in a broken world full of sinful, arrogant, and hurtful people.

Psalm 46 is the answer. It is the glory from the ashes. It is the emotional healing of the Psalmist.

There the Sons of Korah proclaim,

God is our refuge and strength,
a very present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way,
though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam,
though the mountains tremble at its swelling.

Psalms 46:1-3 (ESV)

Though all this suffering has been my lot, God is my refuge. He is my help. Though trouble is all around me. Though my enemies, in the form of bosses, managers, husbands, or even former friends, circle around, creating havoc in my life and deep, lasting pain, “The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.”

It is interesting that those who have chosen to work specifically in the area of abuse healing (having been targets of abuse) often step into more of these traumatic experiences as they do battle with those who do not understand the dynamics or Biblical response to abuse. A skin thickened by developing Biblical barriers to these attacks is imperative.

Wading into the depths of these Psalms can be both the healing balm and helpful aid to building boundaries that protect our integrity from those who war against a Biblical understanding of abuse.

God is our refuge! We need not fear even if everything goes to pot. Though our lives crumble around us as the waves crash against our weak human defenses, the Lord is our very present help when in those troubled times. He is very present, not just on duty now and then. He is continually giving refuge to the oppressed and strength to the wounded.