Category Archives: Trauma

Authorized Unity: Loyalty, Allegiance and Fidelity

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“If you are not trusting me, you are not trusting God…”

When a collaborative church planting network chose Jennifer’s city for a new faith community, she and her husband were excited. They had enjoyed being involved in another church plant years before in another city.

However, they were realing from experiencing toxic leadership in a church they had been attending in their new home. She explained,

Ben ended up on the elder board in an attempt to right a sinking ship. But how do you change a church that is all theology and no love? How do you tell people who think they have all the right answers that you can’t treat other human beings that way? How do you combat the culture wars, a them vs. us mentality, when it is part of the very DNA of the church? How do you let the women in the church know they matter when they are belittled and ignored and corrected but never listened to and never given a voice?

Despite the experience, Jennifer and Ben saw real promise in this new group of young believers. She said,

We first met with the lead pastor of the church, in February 2015, before he even moved to town. This new church plant was a joint venture between two churches in other towns. Their MO was to pull together a “launch team” and send the entire team to a new town to plant the church. By the time the launch team arrived Ben and I had been wandering in the wilderness a bit, church-wise, and I had been asking God to show us where we might be needed. The pastor welcomed us with open arms and since we were in our early 50s, it seemed that our experience might be of use. I think maybe three or four people of the 25 person launch team had actually hit 30.

They were energetic and the pastor was a real evangelist. There did not appear to be “culture wars” in the teaching that demonized their hurting neighbors. Rather, they were an outward-looking congregation seeking to befriend and engage the downtrodden next door. Jennifer recalled an early sermon when the pastor exclaimed,

Those people out there in Oltan aren’t your enemies. Go out and love them.

She said it was very different from the hyper-pious separatist ideology of their former church and many of the churches in her denomination that they had attended.

Unified Agreement

However, the image of the church and unified agreement of all parties involved took precedence over pastoral ministry. She said after six to nine months she started noticing some things that troubled her.

While the church really wanted our service (in set-up, tear down, nursery duty, parking lot duty, etc.), it didn’t seem to want our input.

Jennifer added that there seemed to be no concept of how to care well for people. She said, “When people did leave the church I heard, ‘Oh, well, that’s what people do.'”

After attending for a few months, Jennifer decided to become a member and asked for a meeting with the pastor. He had preached earlier that he wanted those attending to come alongside their community and he would meet with anyone to help them join up.

He said he wanted to minister to them.

When setting up the appointment, the pastor said he wanted Ben to come along as well. Jennifer thought that strange and Ben was still hesitant to join over some theological differences. He was not ready to take that step. But, Ben agreed to come with her to the meeting anyway.

As soon as introductions were made, the pastor said, “I probably know your story, Jennifer” and turned to Ben. For the rest of the meeting he “tried to talk Ben into being baptized.” Several months later, when meeting with the pastoral team to express her frustrations with the lack of pastoral care for the congregation, she told the pastor she was disappointed in their meeting about membership. She had been the one to initiate the meeting for a full membership interview and yet he had shown no interest in her whatsoever and had focused solely on her husband.

It was painful. She felt like she didn’t matter.

Jennifer explained, “He halfheartedly apologized and then very harshly said that I needed to stop projecting my bad experiences onto him.”

It stunned her.

In that same meeting I shared with him that the young college students (2 of which were living in my basement) were struggling and feeling forgotten by the pastoral staff and I wanted to encourage the pastors to come alongside the college students. He, again very harshly, told me I was dangerous and that I had the power to be divisive. Apparently a couple of discouraged 20 year-olds, sharing their hearts with me, made me dangerous.

Jennifer was “demonized for going to bat for someone who needed support pastoral.”

Jennifer saw this become a pattern. A church member would be going through a difficult season with the leadership and the pastor would suggest to the member, “You just had a bad experience.” It was a way of “discounting the problem without dealing with the truth of it.” He seemed to just blow off the concerns of his congregation.

He would never ask what he could do to alleviate the hurt or seek to determine his own failures. Rather than humbly acknowledge his own responsibility for ministry breakdown, the pastor needed to place the blame somewhere else.

Disagreements with the pastors were simply deflected.

Get ‘Em In the Door

Jennifer became convinced that the pastor did not really want to shepherd people. He was only concerned about getting people in the door…not caring for them once under the church’s authority.

After the original pastor left, a new pastor was sought out by the leadership team. Members were encouraged to ask questions of Pastor Carlen who was later called as their Senior Pastor. Jennifer had seen pastoral abuse and had come from an abusive home. She asked very specific questions of the candidate and was satisfied by his gracious answers.

However, following his hiring, Pastor Carlen was soon making sweeping changes in the vision and expectations of the church. The church plant was in tough financial shape but no one was told. Sadly, Jennifer noted, his sermons got more and more harsh in tone.

“He was beating people down. They weren’t getting it ‘right.’ Not being good enough.”

Jennifer said when Pastor Carlen would be confronted by anyone, the “hammer would come down. He would blast you in a sermon.” [see blog] One member wrote a letter exhorting the pastor and he called it “demonic.”

The church finances were “in the toilet” and various people on staff were barely scraping by and Jennifer explained, “His only regret was that we didn’t have money to give to missions.” She said he was “rather critical of people who leave the church or attend mainline denominations.”

Then, Pastor Carlen announced that the church was getting a new name. The congregation had no input whatsoever, but were supposed to raise $10,000 to make up a shortfall and pay for all the new branding.

Loyalty, allegiance, and fidelity

The big words for Pastor Carlen were “loyalty, allegiance, and fidelity.” Disagreement was from Satan. Authority was found in the pastor. Any dispute with the leadership meant a deviation from God’s authority inherent in his position of pastor.

All decisions were made by him.

At one point, Jennifer asked to whom the pastor was accountable. Pastor Carlen explained that there was an “advisory council.” She asked, “Who appoints the council?” He replied, “I do.”

The pastor had no accountability.

The Wounds

But the wounds she bears have left her feeling outside the church.

“A few weeks later the Pastor emailed Ben a copy of the ‘Membership Covenant’ to sign. We became alarmed as this Membership Covenant was not at all the one I had signed when I had become a member in 2016. This one was more specific and more cult-like and really more of what you might see if you were a missions sending organization.”

Then the pastor preached a sermon that made Ben “scratch his head.” He came home from church and told Jennifer, “I think the Pastor was preaching about you.” It was a sermon about

“weak people and wolves and how sometimes the people who look weak are really wolves and they don’t even know it and then used all sorts of criteria for what the weak and what the wolves look like and it was things like speaking out on social media about the church (I do and I have a blog), and going to community group but not church (OK, then, I won’t go to community group either), and talking about hard emotional things (I speak often about anxiety, depression, trauma, abuse, etc.), and on and on. He used the example that if you are in your 50s, you have no business in the kiddie pool. I was one of a small handful of people in my 50s.”

The pastor denied that the sermon had anything to do with Jennifer and said that if she thought it did, then she was just in a spiritually dark place..

They met once again sometime later and the pastor would not answer questions about the “membership covenant.” They discussed trust and the pastor said,

If you are not trusting me then you are not trusting God. God worked out for me to come here and so God has divinely ordained me to be authority over you and will have to give an account for you. 

Pastor Carlen

A dangerous ideology.

Jennifer and Ben left the church.

Homeless

As COVID hit, depression set in. Where she and Ben had found their “family” in the church, they felt homeless. In addition, Jennifer said, “You are leaving a burning building and leaving people behind who matter to you.”

When talking to those who are still currently in the church, Jennifer sorrowfully noted, “Like an abuse victim, you have to let them figure it out.” Some want to fix things from the inside and must be given the freedom to make that choice. But it is disheartening to watch them suffer unnecessarily under Pastor Carlen’s leadership and the toxic culture of the church.

Jennifer also said she has struggled to even read her Bible. The connections the words on the pages have to the spiritual abuse she suffered are numerous. She said, “Its so hog-tied to my experiences.” She added, “Sometimes you just have to tear down the house and start over. I have to relearn a lot of stuff.”

A Little Healing

So, Jennifer has read a lot of books. In fact, some of her recommendations are on the PAS “Resources” page. She has needed to find grace through books like This Too Shall Last, written by K.J. Ramsey. Jennifer has found help and healing in some of the excellent books that have come out on spiritual abuse and toxic church cultures by authors such as Diane Langberg, Wade Mullen, Scot McNight, Chuck DeGroat, and many others.

“These books have given me the words to put with the experiences I have had.” It has been important for her to know others have faced the trials she has faced.

And came out alive.

In the end, she now understands Ezekiel 34 where the prophet calls the religious leaders to account for “feeding on the sheep” rather than caring for them. And, she finds comfort in knowing that God is on the side of those who suffer under their oppressive behaviors. She is not the crazy one.

“The farther I get away from these experiences, the more I understand what happened and just how damaging it was, not only for me but for almost everybody in the church. Ministry steeped in a culture of accomplishment, numbers, and success does incredible damage as does a ministry built on theological precision but not love. Somewhere along the way Micah 6:8 gets lost in the shuffle and the church ends up looking nothing at all like Jesus.”

God says, “No!” resoundingly to these leaders who do not represent Him, the Good Shepherd.

Sweet Vindication [of God]

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I wrote a blog a couple years ago that described my frustration at seeing the online praise and honor given to a toxic leader of a Christian organization. He had died and he was praised on social media by several who knew his toxic leadership.

I was frustrated by the lack of vindication. I had suffered under his ungodly leadership and I felt isolated. Quite frankly, I would have prefered having those same people explaining his toxic leadership on social media.

My friends contacted me soon after that blog to apologize for their honoring of this toxic leader.

In addition, In just a short time, I have witnessed (not on the spot, mind you) the burning down of one church, the flooding of another, and death of another tormentor (ministry leader). The two churches were those who had horribly mistreated sexual abuse victims and supported their perpetrators.

Ah, vindication.

Today I was reading in Psalm 54 and got another take on this by the Holy Spirit impressing upon me God’s vindication. I was deeply challenged for the attitudes I have had.

Psalm 54 says “strangers have risen up against me.” But David, the composer, says,

Behold, God is my helper;
the Lord is the upholder of my life.
He will return the evil to my enemies;
in your faithfulness put an end to them.

Psalm 54:4-5 (ESV)

I was struck by David’s confidence that the Lord would “return the evil” to his enemies.

A question came to mind: Will that “evil” God returns to my enemies be in this life (through trials and tribulations), the end of their life, or simply in the final judgment? He says, in faithfulness, he will “put an end to them.”

I wondered if the end of those who attack God’s people is consistently a horrible end? Maybe they will suffer financial disaster. Or flooding and fire. Or broken relationships with those close to them. Or some particularly difficult death?

Asaph certainly didn’t think so:

For I was envious of the arrogant
when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.
For they have no pangs until death;
their bodies are fat and sleek.
They are not in trouble as others are;
they are not stricken like the rest of mankind.

Psalm 73:3-5 (ESV)

Whether or not God judges these people, who are set against God’s children, by bringing visible hurt upon them in this life or not, there will be vindication for His people according to David in Psalm 54.

I felt badly that others had praised my tormentor (ministry leader) but David, in Psalm 54, showed me that my vindication comes by God’s hand. I need not see it through man’s judgment. And certainly not on social media! I can rest in forgiveness knowing that God will either bring my oppressor around to repentance or bring him to the grave to face eternal fire or a cleansing of glory (if a true believer).

I will be vindicated…but it will be by the Lord.

David’s words are freeing. They set free my captive heart to see the vindication I so desire. I can lay my head down knowing that it matters not in what form that vindication comes. My God, the Creator of the Universe, is on my side because I am His child.

And He will bring His justice to pass…either by convincing the abuser of his wickedness or bringing him well-earned justice.

God’s vindication is just right.

Rest, oh anxious heart.

Saving a Relationship | Job with an Abuser

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Every encounter with abuse is both common and unique. How abusers respond to the confrontation of those who love them enough to exhort and admonish them will depend on the depth of their self-absorption and psychopathy. Their idolatry of self.

Do you want to regain a relationship (reconciliation) with an abuser? Are you seeking to save your job or your marriage?

In this short blog, I would like to synthesize the wisdom of many who have worked with abusers and their targets.

This is a clarion call that the only way a relationship with an abuser will be saved is through his repentance.

And repentance comes from being held accountable through a consistent meting out of consequences for his abuse.

I have found that the experts consistently advise that abusers must face consequences for their abuse if they are to repent and be transformed.

Those who are in a position to bring consequences to abusers need to remember that though if feels “unloving” to drop the hammer, it is an act of loving discipline to help them see their sin and turn from it. Ben Marshall, a well-known abuse counselor, notes that Jesus used his most direct and accusatory communication with abusive authorities (Jn. 8:7, Matt. 9:36).

Jesus held the line.

Some Guidelines

Here are some guidelines regarding common mistakes that do the opposite of bringing accountability for the wickedness of abuse:

  • Marriage or Group Counseling: No one in an abusive marriage should be in joint counseling with their abuser.

It causes further trauma because the abuser uses it to control and manipulate both the target and the counselor. If the target makes note of any of the abuse they are suffering during a session, it is common that she will pay for it following the counseling.

Rather, the abuser needs to be in batterer’s counseling. He needs to be counseled by someone who has done the hard work of researching and learning about abuse. Abuse is not marital difficulties on steroids. It is a category unto itself.

  • Reconciliation: It can only come through very evident and long-standing repentance by the abuser.

The abuser must understand that the relationship is dependent upon his/her repentance. This must be clearly communicated by all who counsel him.

It is very important that, though the target may recognize her own sin and feel “unworthy” to call out the abuser’s sin, the broken relationship is due to the abuser’s sin, not the target’s. It is not the target’s responsibility to save the relationship. The responsibility rests squarely on the shoulders of the one who is oppressing his target.

This is different than normal familial, workplace, or neighborly discord. Often, in those case there are two that are “tangoing.” Both may be responsible for a part of the conflict and therefore, for reconciliation, both must repent and seek forgiveness.

Not so in cases of abuse. The survivor needs to continually tell herself, “This is not my fault…this is not my fault.” I understand this is antithetical to normal Christian thinking. But it is accurate to the situation.

An abuser’s repentance, including naming the sin and seeking forgiveness for it, must be clear and he must exhibit a transformed life for meaningful reconciliation to take place.

This does not mean the abuser does not fail at times. It does mean that he recognizes it and admits it readily and seeks forgiveness. But if even this is a continual pattern, it is time to get out of the trauma once again.

  • Counselors: If a counselor is pushing anything that does not bring accountability and consequence, get another counselor.

If the abuser is pushing and breaking the boundaries the target has set up to keep safe and bring healing graciously decline your counselor’s advice to come together. Counselors who do not understand abuse may suggest coming together much earlier than they should. The counselor may have been manipulated in their sessions with the abuser by the abuser’s seeming sorrow for sin.

But if the abuser has not shown evidence of repentance by holding to the boundaries set by their target for a significant amount of time, it is not time to enter into relationship again.

Counselors must understand the heart of an abuser in order to remain free from their manipulation and provide help and healing to the survivor.

  • Pastoral Advice:

As one pastor told me recently, counselors want to know and show their work is having an impact. They will seek to bring the abuser and his target together as soon as possible rather than waiting for clear evidence of repentance. They think this will show they are effective counselors.

Because of ego (belief in their own counseling abilities) or an over-confidence in God’s changing work, they may jump the gun by pushing reconciliation rather than waiting on true repentance.

Though it may be difficult to reject the guidance of a “man of the cloth,” remember that you are under God’s guidance first and foremost, not the pastor’s. Though God may have called him to shepherd, the pastor is weak and can be foolish just like all of God’s children. They do not perfectly counsel.

If long-term transformation is not evident in your abuser, reject a pastor’s counsel to reconcile. You know better than anyone if the abuser is repentant.

  • Marriage Conferences:

Marriage conferences are generally just another form of joint counseling. Though they may help the target work through her own issues – everyone has sin that must be put to death – the real problem in the marriage is the abuser’s oppression of his target. [see above]

Do not be manipulated to think it is your Christian duty to go to a conference. When the abuser has made long-lasting and evident changes in his behavior and thinking, it might be time for a marriage conference for further growth of the marriage.

But until the abuser is truly respecting his target’s boundaries and clearly admitting and sorrowful for their sin, a marriage conference is just another way for the abuser to manipulate and gain control.

  • Romantic getaways

The last thing an abuser needs for accountability is romance. He needs accountability and consequences to his actions. If a child kicks the dog, do you hand him an ice cream cone?

Hold the Line

I hope these guidelines are helpful as you consider when it is right to reconcile with an abuser. If you want to save your relationship, keep the cart after the horse. Be patient. Hold the line. Do not allow any breaking of boundaries. Keep him accountable.

Make sure your abuser understands he is no longer in control.

Though They Rage…God is Our Refuge

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Recently, I have been meditating upon and journaling in the Psalms. In particular, I have focused on two Psalms: numbers 44 and 46. Both were written by the Sons of Korah, likely descendents of the Korah of Numbers 16.

The fact that these descendents wrote hymns of praise for the Jews and Christians is a testament to God’s redemptive work. It is their “father” (generations before) that rose up against Moses and Aaron, and likewise against Yahweh, and was judged for his rebellion. Yet, these children of Korah have provided a valuable part of our worship of the Lord through their penning of several Psalms.

Placing these two Psalms in juxtaposition have been helpful to my own meditation in God’s word as I consider abusive leadership in the home and workplace. Psalm 44 is clasified is a cry for mercy and Psalm 46 a Psalm of praise. It is almost as if the Sons of Korah wrote Psalm 44 in depression and, when God brought them out, followed up in the writing of Psalm 46.

I have seen many sufferers of toxic leadership sink into depression and rise from those ashes as they came out of the bondage of that abuse.

Psalm 44 begins with reminders of God’s faithful care of His people. He had driven out the nations. He had ordained salvation for His people. He had put to shame those who hated His people.

But, alas, the psalmists explain, the Lord has now seemingly rejected them.

But you have rejected us and disgraced us
and have not gone out with our armies.
10 You have made us turn back from the foe,
and those who hate us have gotten spoil.
11 You have made us like sheep for slaughter
and have scattered us among the nations.
12 You have sold your people for a trifle,
demanding no high price for them.
13 You have made us the taunt of our neighbors,
the derision and scorn of those around us.

Psalm 44:9-13 (ESV)

Yahweh hasn’t been with them. God’s children have not won the war. They are like a meak and weak lamb that is taken away and slaughtered. They have been exiled to lands not their own. The people are sold for a pittance…they are seemingly worth nothing to the Lord. They are ridiculed and scorned by arrogant abusers that surround them.

Don’t you feel like that sometimes? Why, oh Lord, are you not acting on my behalf? If you love me so tenderly, then why am I in such straits? Why did you lead me into a mission work where I am abused by my leadership? Why did you give me such a horrendous marriage?

The hurt and sorrow can be so overwhelming that we want to “curse God and die” as Job’s wife counseled him to do in the midst of his great agony.

Job 2:9

There is no resolution to this lament in Psalm 44. It ends with a cry for mercy from the Lord. Save us, oh Lord! Redeem us – buy us back from our suffering.

Songs like Psalm 44 are sweet parts of our Bible. They are truthful, down-to-earth, emotional expressions of God’s children. We can sing them and be right there with the authors. We can commune with our fellow travelers on our spiritual journeys in a broken world full of sinful, arrogant, and hurtful people.

Psalm 46 is the answer. It is the glory from the ashes. It is the emotional healing of the Psalmist.

There the Sons of Korah proclaim,

God is our refuge and strength,
a very present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way,
though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam,
though the mountains tremble at its swelling.

Psalms 46:1-3 (ESV)

Though all this suffering has been my lot, God is my refuge. He is my help. Though trouble is all around me. Though my enemies, in the form of bosses, managers, husbands, or even former friends, circle around, creating havoc in my life and deep, lasting pain, “The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.”

It is interesting that those who have chosen to work specifically in the area of abuse healing (having been targets of abuse) often step into more of these traumatic experiences as they do battle with those who do not understand the dynamics or Biblical response to abuse. A skin thickened by developing Biblical barriers to these attacks is imperative.

Wading into the depths of these Psalms can be both the healing balm and helpful aid to building boundaries that protect our integrity from those who war against a Biblical understanding of abuse.

God is our refuge! We need not fear even if everything goes to pot. Though our lives crumble around us as the waves crash against our weak human defenses, the Lord is our very present help when in those troubled times. He is very present, not just on duty now and then. He is continually giving refuge to the oppressed and strength to the wounded.

Abuse, Vindication, and the Fear of Man

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My first degrees were in music performance. Unfortunately, I soon discovered I was a nervous performer. In my early years, my nerves would nearly ruin my playing. Very frustrating for a performance major.

During that time, a pastor directed me to a passage in Proverbs that says,

The fear of man lays a snare,
but whoever trusts in the LORD is safe.

Proverbs 29:25 (ESV)

I was deeply affected by this verse. I realized that my nervousness about performing was welling up from a fundamental fear of what others thought of me.

Some time ago I wrote a blog on the need for vindication by those who share in the suffering of those under abuse. I related a story of how friends of mine had praised a toxic leader, I served under, when he died. Following that blog, these friends contacted me to apologize. I was deeply grateful for their care.

This blog is going to take another tack.

Recently, I have received abusive messages from an individual in a group text. I realized that when I had received those kinds of messages from this abuser privately, it did not bother me nearly as much. When it was more public, I found that I wanted vindication from the others in the group.

But I also realized, that is no way to live my life.

To Vindicate or Not to Vindicate

I stand by my belief that we need to “vindicate” those who are suffering under abuse. They need to know others understand, love, and will stand with them. Abusive leaders (at home or workplace) will often seek to isolate their targets. They will try to bring co-workers along their side and demonize the target of their abuse. Abusive husbands will “pocket” their wive’s friends.

So, it is very important for bystanders who the abuser seeks to manipulate this way do not fall for his or her evil maneuvers. They need to vindicate the target.

However, as I speak to targets of abuse, I believe it is important to point out that seeking that vindication can kill your soul. It is ultimately a desire to please man…to get them on your side. And, that only adds to the trauma created by the abuse, because it is very rare that you will receive vindication as studies suggest.

“Research in the United Kingdom found that more than one third of witnessses wanted to intervene to help victims but were afraid to do so. Bullies drive witness and bystanders out of their jobs, just as they do to ‘firsthand’ victims.”1

It is likely you will not receive those encouraging, understanding words from others.

Where does your vindication lie?

Cast your burden on the LORD,
and he will sustain you;
he will never permit
the righteous to be moved.
But you, O God, will cast them down
into the pit of destruction;
men of blood and treachery
shall not live out half their days.
But I will trust in you.

Psalm 55:22-23 (ESV)

The Lord is our vindication and in a world that is racked with sin, we can only truly trust in His provision. In his sustenance. In his vindication.

It will come. It may not be in the timing we want. But ultimately, God is just and He provides for the oppressed. His goodness is sure.

If you see someone abused, support them. If you are abused, cast your burden on the LORD. He knows your suffering more than any co-worker or family member.

Stories of Africa

“My family of six arrived in Malawi, Africa in August of 2003 to a wonderfully hospitable group of fellow missionaries. I was not really prepared for what awaited us. Our family had not done any significant homework on Malawian life but were nonetheless excited to get started with it.“

What a wonderful book!  You have beautifully combined storytelling of your and your family’s journey and experiences with scripture, spiritual experiences, music, and observations of Malawian and Western cultures. It is a great reference for anyone working and living in Malawi or those who support programs in Malawi.

Jeanine Jackson
Former United States Ambassador to Malawi
State Department Leadership Consultant

As I read at times, I felt I was reading the travel log of a missionary tourist, the insights of a musical theorist, the confessions of a cultural imperialist, the wisdom of a cross-cultural missiologist, and the reflections of journalist investigating a mystery cult. [Dehnert] presents a childlike wonder as he speaks about strange and stranger things in a strange and beautiful land. It was great how he expressed his fears, weaknesses, and misconceptions as part of the path to a gradual awakening. Dehnert didn’t go to Malawi with an agenda and he loves people; I think that enabled him to learn so much. In the end the book comes across like a fun travel documentary with some sage-like wisdom thrown in.

Rev. Jay Stoms  
Missionary with National Christian Foundation
Stellenbosch, South Africa

NOTES:

Sutton, Robert I. The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn’t. 1st ed. New York: Business Plus, 2007.

Gentleness & Believability: Philippians 4

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Let your gentleness be known to everyone. What extraordinary advice for those who want to be believed as they report abuse.

I sat in the plush CEO’s office of a Christian mission organization. A friend had known the mission leader since their parents had worked together on the field when they were children. As she and the mission leader worked together as adults, they had been battling for some time and she wanted to have witnesses to her conversation with him about their disagreement.

We were happy to join her though a bit suspicious of her reading of the situation. We knew the president as a charming and responsive leader. We were somewhat new to the organization, and new to abusive leadership, but the President had supported our work and welcomed us into his home on multiple occasions.

The meeting was intense. He calmly disagreed with her analysis of their conflict and periodically suggested, “I didn’t say that Margaret.” At least once he explained, “I wouldn’t have said that.” On the other hand, Margaret was near raving mad and was coming unglued.

We thought her to be unreasonable and likely responsible for their war.

This is not unlike many survivor’s stories of reporting their abuse to church or organizational authorities. The trauma and deep wounds caused by abuse and the great need to be free from it can drive a person, what some would say, almost insane. On the other hand, as the abusive individual shares his “side” of the story, he is calm and reasoning and just as charming as ever. In the process, many do not believe the victim as she shares her story as the abuser reasonably and calmly outright denies any responsibility.

It wasn’t until several years later that we found out the truth. Indeed, the mission leader had been lying to Margaret. He had been creating all sorts of problems for her.

Philippians 4 & Reporting

As I read Philippians 4, I see an aid to the whistleblower that may be helpful for those caught in these situations: Be gentle and be calm. Take a deep breath.

Mighty big words when you have faced abuse at home or in the marketplace. It is most certainly antithetical to what nearly all survivors are experiencing when they report their incredible hurt. And, in fact, the lack of calmness and gentleness is often a sign that abuse has taken place to those who understand abuse and its affects.

Unfortunately, most people do not get abuse. All they see is some crazy person sitting across from them.

To be calm and gentle, move on to what Paul continues to say in verses 8 and following:

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.

Philippians 4:8

Think about true and honorable things. Whatever is lovely. Only that which is worthy of praise. Read Psalm 27. Remember the Gospel. Jesus came for the oppressed and downtrodden [Isaiah 61]. He seeks out the hurting and troubled. He cares for the weak and mistreated.

Jesus is on your side.

Pray for calmness and gentleness. Paul says, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” Ask Him to work in you before you step into that office knowing that there is no need to be anxious when you are in the Father’s loving arms.

Recently, I was speaking with a woman who had been abused for many years by her husband. She was wanting her children’s court appointed advocate to understand the impact it had had on her children. She was almost frantic to get the advocate to understand. She was thinking feverishly how to get him to understand. It was in that moment that I realized the need for survivors to come at that task with clarity and calmness…because others just don’t understand and they will be thinking the same things I thought with my friend, Margaret. “She’s unglued!”

The survivor of toxic leadership in home and workplace has every reason to be frantic and confused and frustrated. It is very unfortunate that few people understand that. But gentleness may help make the reporting of it more receivable.

Remember Jesus’ words as he prepared to be taken to the cross:

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.”

John 14:27 (ESV)

Stories of Africa

“My family of six arrived in Malawi, Africa in August of 2003 to a wonderfully hospitable group of fellow missionaries. I was not really prepared for what awaited us. Our family  had not done any significant homework on Malawian life but were nonetheless excited to get started with it.“

As I read at times, I felt I was reading the travel log of a missionary tourist, the insights of a musical theorist, the confessions of a cultural imperialist, the wisdom of a cross-cultural missiologist, and the reflections of journalist investigating a mystery cult. [Dehnert] presents a childlike wonder as he speaks about strange and stranger things in a strange and beautiful land. It was great how he expressed his fears, weaknesses, and misconceptions as part of the path to a gradual awakening. Dehnert didn’t go to Malawi with an agenda and he loves people; I think that enabled him to learn so much. In the end the book comes across like a fun travel documentary with some sage-like wisdom thrown in.

Rev. Jay Stoms  
Missionary with National Christian Foundation
Stellenbosch, South Africa

Psalm 27: Hope & Healing for the Abused

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As I sat down a couple of mornings ago to read God’s Word and consider His mindfulness of me, I was led to Psalm 27 by a lovely little devotional called, “Jesus Calling.”

The Psalm leapt out of the pages at me, not because I presently feel abused, but because there is a certain coldness in my devotion from which I desire to shake free. I was struck by King David’s insight to abuse and my own needs of the moment.

The LORD is my light and my salvation;
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life;
of whom shall I be afraid?
2 When evildoers assail me
to eat up my flesh,
my adversaries and foes,
it is they who stumble and fall.
3 Though an army encamp against me,
my heart shall not fear;
though war arise against me,
yet I will be confident.
4 One thing have I asked of the LORD,
that will I seek after:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
and to inquire in his temple.
5 For he will hide me in his shelter
in the day of trouble;
he will conceal me under the cover of his tent;
he will lift me high upon a rock.

Psalm 27 (ESV)

Go on and read the rest (at the end of this blog). But I want to point out something that deeply affected me:

I want . . . I need to abide in Jesus Christ in all my ways and in all my days. I want to “dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life.” In all the struggles of living under toxic leadership or abusive relationships. In all the broken relationships that are a result of it when others don’t see the toxins and don’t get it. All the deep hurt and trauma it has created . . .

I just want to abide in Jesus. To know “He will hide me in his shelter in the day of trouble. He will conceal me!”

What promise and hope for the Christian.

Enjoy the rest of the Psalm:

6 And now my head shall be lifted up
above my enemies all around me,
and I will offer in his tent
sacrifices with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make melody to the LORD.
7 Hear, O LORD, when I cry aloud;
be gracious to me and answer me!
8 You have said, “Seek my face.”
My heart says to you,
“Your face, LORD, do I seek.”
9 Hide not your face from me.
Turn not your servant away in anger,
O you who have been my help.
Cast me not off; forsake me not,
O God of my salvation!
10 For my father and my mother have forsaken me,
but the LORD will take me in.
11 Teach me your way, O LORD,
and lead me on a level path
because of my enemies.
12 Give me not up to the will of my adversaries;
for false witnesses have risen against me,
and they breathe out violence.
13 I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living!
14 Wait for the LORD;
be strong, and let your heart take courage;
wait for the LORD!

Stories of Africa

Kelly Dehnert, Editor of Pearls and Swine, has written a book about his family’s life in Africa as missionaries. The book provides helpful insights to engaging other cultures.

This well written, interesting book is a fantastic training text for missionary appointees, and I hope some of my SIM.org recruiter friends will read it and use it.  It would be very helpful  for new missionaries. TO AFRICA ON A LARK is must read material.  

Cordell Loken
Retired career missionary radio engineer at ELWA, Monrovia, Liberia.

Neglect in Leadership: Who Will Listen?

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Recently Susan, a woman who has had a very difficult life including both childhood abuse and church leadership abuse, passed along a recent post. She has given me permission to repost her blog:

Last week a therapist friend of mine wrote a post about suicide and our lack of comfort or knowledge in responding to someone who has suicidal thoughts. He said,

“We need to talk about it when we are feeling hopeless and in despair. But if we reach out, those we reach out to do not know how to respond. We need a life class on how to talk about hopelessness.”

The spring of 2017 was one of the hardest periods in my adult life. The level of stress was unbearable and I rarely had 15 minutes to myself to process. Every possible stressor hit the fan within a few weeks of each other.

In the middle of it all I witnessed a fatal wreck and was first on the scene, talking with and praying with the victims while seeing brain matter splattered down their fronts. It would be too long to go into all that was weighing on me, but I was drowning. I lost hope. I was losing my belief that God was at work.

So when our church had its occasional “member’s meeting,” with the opportunity to share, I shared. I stood up in front of the congregation and, through sobs and tears, told them that I had lost hope that life would get any better. I needed them, my church family, to remind me that God was doing something beautiful in my life because I couldn’t see it. I told them, I TOLD THEM, that I understood how people saw no solution but to end it all because the pain was just too much.

Somebody very kindly prayed for me and that was it.

After the meeting both pastors came by and, in passing, said, “Hey, Susan, thanks for sharing,” and walked off. A couple of other people said the same thing.

Nobody engaged me.

Nobody asked questions.

Nobody got closer.

I got an email the next day from a woman in the church with a “biblical counseling” degree, saying she appreciated my sharing and would be praying for me. No questions. No engagement.

But I engaged. I wrote her back a long, long email detailing the wave after wave of stress and trauma from just those few short months. I waited so eagerly to hear her response. I wanted connection so badly. For someone to see my pain.

I finally got a reply, a week later. She said she took a week to pray on how to respond. And while her response was kind, it in no way sought to engage me. And the week delay was absolutely crushing. She obviously has never experienced the horrible pain of silence.

A few days later I got an email from a man in the church. This was a super spiritual dude who had been a missionary and was about to become our church’s only elder. His email said that he had been awake with an earache and God brought me to mind and he prayed for me. Ever one to spill my guts to whoever will listen and hopeful that this seemingly sensitive man might respond, I shared the same story, full of gory details, in hope that he would understand and come alongside me.

He never responded.

Ever.

A couple of weeks later the church prayed for me during the service with one of the pastors saying that I was going through a “season of depression.” The only person who asked me about that was a friend who was visiting the church that day.

All this to say, while I have been through so much with this particular church and have major concerns about the abuse of authority within the church, the most painful thing to me was not the abuse, it was the neglect. The neglect showcased two problems:

  • People in general, and Christians in particular, are not equipped to deal with despair.

I have a friend who, when she was a teenager, told her youth pastor that she was contemplating suicide. He changed the subject. Pastors are trained to answer all the theological questions but are not trained to enter into one another’s suffering. And because of this, they actually contribute to the suffering.

  • Suffering people, people with weaknesses, are seen as extraneous to the work of the church.

I got the message loud and clear that I didn’t matter. All that mattered was “reaching the lost.” Once you are saved, who cares what kind of hell you are going through. That only takes time and energy and focus away from the real work of the church.

One of those pastors articulated this to me, saying some believe that people with struggles are actually a danger to the mission of the church. The “weak” are actually the “wolves.”

To be honest, one of the things that has kept me tethered to God through this has been reading Ezekiel 34. The fact that God sees the damage such shepherds do to the flock gives me hope.

My Friend, Sam

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When I resigned from a toxic mission organization, I needed a friend. I had several, but Sam was an important one and he was there all along preparing me for the stand I needed to take.

He had left the mission a year earlier. I was depressed returning to the mission field following his departure thinking of all the coffee times I would be missing. He had provided an honest and Gospel-centered response to all my thinking. He had helped me recognize the messiness of life and how the Gospel was made for it.

Sam changed the way I interacted with my kids. Though always claiming someone else was a Pharisee, I began recognizing my own tendency towards graceless legalism and Sam’s “chillin'” attitude helped me give grace where I had held my nose in the air.

Sam prepared me for what lay ahead our last year with the mission. He helped me see there are some folks that, though we give grace and grace and more grace, will turn and eat you alive with their abuse. His choosing to leave the mission because he could not stand by a destructive and toxic leadership gave me some spine for when it came time for me to confront the leadership in our resignation rather than slinking away.

He had shown me there was life outside the basket where I felt I had put all my eggs.

Many of those who have faced abusive leadership (or even domestic abuse) have not had someone who stood beside them each step of the way. They have only had Pharisees who memorized a few biblical passages and preached at them the typical responses for horribly difficult circumstances.

  1. “Jesus saved you, a wicked sinner. He can save them.”
  2. “They are sinners just like we are. Give them grace.”
  3. “They couldn’t have meant it that way.”

Only number one is true. I had fully rejected Jesus and yet, he turned my heart to him. If he can save me, he can save anyone. Hallelujah, what a Savior!

However, scripture speaks of evil people who are not like you and me. And the world is full of people who most definitely “meant it that way.” Maybe they are narcissists – they have one god and that god is them. Or just incredibly self-centered – they are only interested in controlling others so they can enjoy the fruits of the other’s labors.

These are not the same as your average Joe-sinner. And the evil they produce is extraordinary and shocking to most people – even those who are uninterested in Jesus’ ethics.

Sam helped me know that though I seek to forgive, it may be a long journey. It was for Sam. But God is faithful.

Sam helped me to know that though I seek healing, it may be a long journey. It was for him. But God is faithful.

What a long-suffering and generous and faithful Lord we serve.

I am thankful for Sam. Hope I can be the same someday…

General Revelation: Look, Listen, and Learn

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I have seen the failure of the Church to respond well to abusive leadership in the home and office. At times I have wondered if one of our difficulties is an ignorance of God’s communication to his people.

In the history of the church, theologians have given names to two different means of communication God uses to speak to his creation: “Special” and “General.”

SPECIAL REVELATION

“Special Revelation” is that communication that is found in black and white on the pages of the Bible. Scriptures are a “lamp to our feet and a light to our path.” [Ps. 119:105] They are inerrant in their original writing and have been faithfully handed down through the millennia. [2 Tim. 3:16]

Normally, evangelicals consider the Bible foundational to how we interpret the world around us. If we have questions about what actions God has taken, His character, or what He requires of His people, we turn to the Bible for answers.

GENERAL REVELATION

“General Revelation” is not so clearly understood. We know about General Revelation from the Bible, in particular from Paul’s letter to the Romans. But it is not discussed with much clarity. In Romans, Paul says,

“His invisible attributes, namely, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived, ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made.”

Romans 1:20

Evangelicals are much more “wary” of this communication from the Lord. However, God communicates through “the things that have been made.” He has spoken well enough through His creation that all people are “without excuse” for failing to “honor him as God or give thanks to him.” They are culpable for their rejection of His Lordship over their lives because, even though they may never read a Bible, they have his General Revelation in the created things around them to point them to His character and acts.

What Does God Communicate through General Revelation?

But exactly how and what has been conveighed to man through General Revelation? Paul says “his eternal power and divine nature” have been communicated but what exactly does that mean? And, what aspects of creation communicate these attributes?

As we consider all man has learned about the world around us, down to the itty-bitty elements of the living cell, it seems apparent that God’s creative, life-giving work is there for all men to see. He has displayed the building blocks of His ordered creation as we peer into the recesses of nature. Those discoveries of His creative works seem to be coming at faster-than-light-speed in the past two hundred years.

This look at creation under the magnifying glass also shows us the brokenness of the creation and gives guidance on how to bring healing and help to those who are physically broken. As the specializations in science, including psychology, continue to “specialize” with the piling up of information regarding the human body, we know more and more how the fall has broken us in an area the Bible gives little information.

Special Revelation tells us that man brought overwhelming brokenness to a beautifully and perfectly created world through his rebellion in the garden many eons ago (Genesis 3). Every aspect of creation – spiritual and physical – has been broken by that original sin in the garden. Paul says that the whole world around us “groans” awaiting to be renewed.

It is General Revelation that shows us that we can work to redeem the physical brokenness we live with every day of our lives.

Special Revelation gives us the guidance we need to understand the spiritual brokenness of our world – how our relationship to the Creator can be fixed through Jesus’ blood and righteousness – but General Revelation gives us understanding of the physical brokenness of this world. Of course, our interpretation of General Revelation fails at times just as it does of the Word of God (Special Revelation).

Our original sin affects everything.

Understanding Physical Brokenness

But we would never say to an individual who suffers from physical handicaps that they just need to pray and read their Bible more so they can grow out of it. This is an obvious misuse of Special Revelation. We use the wisdom gained by God’s image-bearers, after observing God’s General Revelation of the physical brokenness, to diagnose and prescribe ways of working with the special needs of that person.

Though the church’s understanding of scripture has grown and developed in some ways over the centuries since its writing, man’s understanding of General Revelation has made extraordinary strides, particularly in the past two hundred years.

General Revelation has made it possible to send men to the moon. General Revelation has made it possible to better understand what is happening in the brain of someone “clinically” depressed or suffering from OCD. General Revelation has made it possible to give someone a new heart. And General Revelation helps us understand the effects of trauma on the person.

Special Revelation does not provide those things.

It is really quite extraordinary how those who have been created to be creative and to seek a redeemed world have figured so many things out. Even those who have no interest in glorifying God in their discoveries are serving God’s redemptive plan (much like Pharaoh and the Exodus).

So, as we seek to reach and minister to a world that is deeply broken by the original sin, we cannot ignore God’s General Revelation that tells us much about man. It can help us know how man responds to horrible events like emotional, spiritual, and physical abuse. We can learn more and more by observing God’s General Revelation how to help those suffering from trauma.

REVELATION of Trauma

How do we bring Special and General Revelation together to minister to survivors of abusive leaders? God’s Special Revelation tells us that Jesus considers the trauma of a broken world as He ministers to His creation:

Behold my servant, whom I uphold,
my chosen, in whom my soul delights;
I have put my Spirit upon him;
he will bring forth justice to the nations.
He will not cry aloud or lift up his voice,
or make it heard in the street;
a bruised reed he will not break,
and a faintly burning wick he will not quench;
he will faithfully bring forth justice. 

Isaiah 42:1-3 (ESV)

He handles broken people carefully. He does not snap the bruised stick. He seeks to heal it. He does not quench a small ember but patiently brings it back to full flame. He looks out for the downtrodden.

The affects that minimizing, discouraging, criticizing, and shaming have on people has been studied carefully by neurologists. It actually changes the brain.[2] The sin of others break us. We need to listen to God’s image-bearers who are seeking the redemption of the body. They have learned much about the body that the Bible (Special Revelation) does not tell us but the Lord has told us in General Revelation.

Healing the Through Talk

Scientists have determined that the process for healing those broken neurological pathways is a long and slow process.[2] It involves talking about the event and pain caused by it without others judging your biblical accuracy or lack of willingness to forgive and forget. Healing comes when it seems that the survivor of traumatic events has talked about it from every angle and has worn their listeners out listening to the same things over and over.

I have heard God’s people express frustration at the things an abuse survivor says about God and her seeming lack of forgiveness of the abuser. They are so caught up in the errors of her words that they forget the lessons of Job’s counselors. His well-meaning counselors wanted to clear up his thinking and in the end were required to make a sacrifice for their sin of judging Job in the midst of his incredible suffering.

Rather than listening and comforting, Job’s counselors were determined to critique his thinking.

If we wish to love survivors of abuse, we will listen and seek to empathize. In time, it will bring about the “peaceful fruit of righteousness.” [Heb. 12:11]  But we need to trust that God is at work in them and through his General Revelation as scientists seek to understand how abusers traumatize their targets.

We are “fearfully and wonderfully made.” [Ps. 139:14] And that is a revelation.

Book by Editor of P&S

Kelly Dehnert, Editor of Pearls and Swine, has written a book about his family’s life in Africa as missionaries. The book provides helpful insights to engaging other cultures.

What others say about the book:

[To Africa On a Lark] is extremely readable, with an easy to follow flow. The stories are quite engaging…The overall theme of cross-cultural adjustment, with the “razor” image, comes through clearly. I hope that many will read, enjoy, and benefit from your engaging string of accounts.

J. Nelson Jennings, PhD – Editor, Global Missiology – English

Notes:

[1] The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk MD. 1st ed. New York: Penguin Books, 2014. [Get on Amazon]

[2] Suffering and the Heart of God by Diana Langberg [Get on Amazon]