Category Archives: Pastoral Abuse

PCC’s Dirty Little Secret: Kate’s Story

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Editor’s Note: This is the first in a three-part series. Part two can be found here.

It has been two years since the Williams left Peace Community Church.1 They would have remained silent had the abusive leadership not proceeded to crush others the Williams love.

The Williams had an amiable relationship with Pastor Ensome. He has pastored over 20 years in the same church and is well respected by other pastors in their denomination. Kate Williams described him as “a good preacher.” She said he could be “charming and self-deprecating.”

Kate also noted that he appeals to people’s pride and sympathies. She explained to me,

“Michael and I loved being at Peace Community Church. We loved the community, the worship and a place to serve.  We were deeply hurt that we felt we could no longer stay. All at once we lost a place to worship, a church community, fellowship with people we loved. And we lost ministries that we felt God had called and gifted us to serve in.”

Why did they leave and are now telling their story?

Kate’s Story

It began several years ago when, as a member of the church, Kate was asked to help with a ministry at PCC. She spent some time speaking with each of the members individually and developed a committee to meet the needs that were expressed.

After three years of serving in the ministry, Kate was asked to head up another committee, a committee on which she enjoyed serving at a former church. This was where her heart truly was and so jumped at the opportunity. Kate felt free to move out of leadership of the first ministry as it was moving along smoothly.

After about a year, she was involved in reigniting a ministry of PCC. In the initial phase Kate called Pastor Ensome with her exciting news that there was real interest in the ministry. She was also calling to ask if they had the “church’s support to go ahead” with the ministry.

The pastor was affirming, but was “adamant that he did not want [a particular family] involved in leadership.” Kate didn’t ask why, but said, “This put me in an awkward position of having to either find someone else or do it myself. Pastor Ensome encouraged me to lead.”

It seemed that she could do no wrong. Pastor Ensome was appealing to her skills and she was encouraged. She wasn’t really seeking out ministry opportunities but rather being asked to lead ministries.

Then Something Happened

Kate and Michael were hosting an at-risk child and were struggling with feeling alone in their ministry to the child. She sought out a meeting with Pastor Ensome to share those struggles in hopes that he would share some wisdom, having had experience with special needs children. She knew her husband Michael, an elder, had a disagreement with Pastor Ensome the week before at an elders’ meeting but it did not occur to her that their disagreement could impact her meeting with the pastor.

From the very beginning of the meeting he seemed cold and disconnected from her.

She soon discovered why. Pastor Ensome went on the attack, accusing Kate of all sorts of things and defending himself:

  • He told Kate she was a judgmental person. He said, “Judgement emanates from you. You can see it in your eyes and that is why people move away from you.”
  • He stated, “You and Michael are so far off of how a church should be run.”
  • He “confided” in her that a staff pastor had told him Kate left the first ministry she served because she couldn’t get along with the women and that said something about her personality. The staff pastor confirmed later that this was not true.
  • He told Kate that John, the elder she worked closely with on a committee “had issues” with her. John, when asked the next day, said that no matter what she had been told, she had not offended him in the slightest. And, in fact, he considered her work inspiring.
  • He said, “I built this church,” and proceeded to name all the things he had done for the church.

Kate began crying and he told her “that my crying was good because now he could see my heart because most of the time I just seem to be running around checking things off a list.“

She was deeply hurt by this barage, which went on for about 20 minutes, and was baffled by the hurtful comments. She felt completely blindsided.

Michael explained, “There was no love, no gentleness, no kindness expressed. Kate says that she has never been spoken to in such a mean-spirited manner in her life.”

In a later email to the elders Pastor Ensome confessed that he had dismissed Kate and Michael and added he had done that with others before. He confessed that it was offensive to the Christ’s church.

It is still unclear why Pastor Ensome went on the attack.

The Dirty Little Secret at CCC

But soon she found she was not alone.

When talking with another volunteer the next day, the woman said,

“I’m surprised that this hasn’t happened to you earlier. You have made a lot of changes here and Pastor Ensome doesn’t like change. I know of several people the Pastor has attacked through the years.”

Later, the woman found Kate and reiterated her comments, noting that her husband had been verbally attacked by the pastor multiple times.

Two days later, Kate talked with a long-time member and the member told her Pastor Ensome’s behavior was Peace Community Church’s “dirty little secret.” She explained that the pastor attacks anyone who he perceives to be threatening his control over the church.

The member shared with Kate, “There are three groups of people related to PCC: the walking wounded, the unawares, and those who had left.” 

As light was shown on the darkness of Pastor Ensome’s leadership, more was revealed:

“I was told that ‘he would destroy me’ if I tried to push back and the best thing for us to do was for Michael to resign as an elder and for me to quit the committee and remove ourselves from any activity that involved Pastor Ensome so that he could not further harm us.”

Keep your head down. Remain under the radar. If you want to continue in any form of ministry. I don’t know how many times I have seen this played out by those who are suffering under toxic leadership in the church, organization, or business.

Unfortunately, the one left standing seems to always be the toxic one.

Changing the Narrative

There are numerous signs of toxic leadership. Though each experience has its unique flavor, there are many common factors.

One of the techniques used by toxic leaders is to “change the narrative.”

It didn’t take long for Pastor Ensome to begin changing the narrative. The pastor became self-righteous in his handling of the situation. He needed to bring Kate down to his level by suggesting she was just as culpable for the broken relationship.

“If both of you [Kate and Michael] feel that the offenses are only my fault or the church’s, I’m not sure anything can be done. Most reconciliation instruction used needs to include each party addressing their own sins (Mt. 7:5). When I have tried to reconcile with people who were unable to identify sins on their part it was not successful. I don’t think it wise to seek reconciliation in those situations. I would recommend you read Ken Sande’s work, ‘The Peacemaker.‘”

Later he wrote, “In my letter I was making the point that there is sin on both sides. But if you and Kate don’t think you have sinned, I don’t think we will be able to have a useful conversation about the conflict.” He added, “But in that case, we will need to discuss your roles in leadership at PCC.”

In other words, we are equal in our sin as we all sin. And if you don’t admit that, you will lose your leadership position.

Apparently, he has always occupied the high moral ground. It was those other people that could not admit their sin and he simply could not do anything with that, thus minimizing his own sin.

In addition, several months later in an “apology” letter of sorts, he told Kate and Michael that he did not have any negative thoughts towards Kate before the meeting in which he originally attacked her. However, in a letter to the elders he delineated the reasons why he needed to confront Kate.

He evidently had done some premeditation.

Pastor Ensome also said in a note that he was blindsided.

Who is the Offender?

Toxic leaders easily manipulate Scripture to their benefit.

Pastor Ensome leveled the playing field by pointing out the biblical concept that no one is free from sin. There are frequently sins committed by both parties in a conflict.

Though admitting that all are sinful, Pastor Ensome sidestepped his own culpability by suggesting they read Ken Sande’s book called The Peacemaker. It was a subtle shift from admitting his own sin to Kate’s supposed sin.

Ken Sande founded Peacemaker Ministries to help churches in managing conflicts. It is very helpful unless there is abusive leadership at work. Sande acknowledges this. He notes in his writing there are different ground rules for managing abusive situations.

In normal relationships, it may be helpful to own up to your own sins when confronting an offender, just as Kate did in one of the meetings. It may help the offending party humble himself and own up to his own sin.

But, the onus still falls on the offender and must be kept there in the confrontation (Matt. 18:15).

Pastor Ensome treated Kate horribly when she only came looking for help. It was his anger that built up towards Kate and Michael. It was not Kate’s sin and should not have been treated as such in managing the situation. There can be no backing down from this or the abuser will take advantage and there will be no resolution. . . in fact, generally there is no resolution when dealing with abusive leadership (or abusers in general).

Toxic leaders manipulate scripture so that they don’t have to come clean regarding their own sin.

Intimidating the Witness

Toxic Leaders spiritually intimidate.

After a meeting between Michael, the staff pastor, John (elder), and Pastor Ensome – that did not include Kate as she was “not emotionally strong enough to attend,” – another meeting was arranged with Kate.

There was still hope to salvage the relationship. Though Kate wanted to confront the pastor, she continued to work hard win his favor. She shared with me,

“It was an awkward meeting. . . I was in so much distress in encountering Pastor Ensome for the first time that I don’t clearly remember all that was said. I found it difficult to even speak. I had shared what I was planning to say with long time members and they told me that was the ‘stupidest thing I could do.’ They told us the only way to stay [at PCC] was to submit to the Pastor. So, at that meeting I basically said I was a sinner, I was open to rebuke, and that if I had done something offensive someone should have told me earlier. Pastor Ensome had already devastated me and I could not risk being destroyed by him.”

Pastor Ensome apparently was pleased by her humility and told her he didn’t mean to hurt her. He stated that his issues were with Michael.

He had effectively intimidated both Kate and other members into believing it was necessary to bow to his superior spirituality or suffer the consequences.

Continued

There is more. Kate’s story continues in Part Two (2). Part Two will be posted on Thursday, September 1.

NOTES

1 The names used in this article are fictitious, but the story is not. Pearls and Swine does not publish names, places, or identifiable information as it is our desire to keep victims of abusive leadership safe and to not distract from the lessons that can be learned from their story.

[2] Ken Sande, The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict, 3rd edition (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books, 2004), 156.

Emily’s Hell: All the Evil Under the Sun

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This article includes topics such as sexual assault, domestic violence, stalking, physical violence, and spiritual abuse. I acknowledge that this content may be difficult. I also encourage you to care for your safety and well-being.

Second in a three-part series on two women who were sexually abused, one of their families, and the church leadership that failed to protect and care for them.

“I felt so dirty and worthless and useless and to be reminded of my worth in Christ is something I still depend on to this day when the doubts creep in.“

You would think that some former druggie, murderer, or adulterer said this. Looking back at his great sin, he turned to Jesus to see that He continues to love him though, like King David, he had failed miserably. But, now, he had turned from his sin in repentance.

But, that wasn’t the case.

Emily was raped.

Her great evil was being sexually molested repeatedly by a neighbor when a child and then being raped repeatedly by her boyfriend both before and during their engagement.

Her church leaders have said these were Emily’s fault.

Her church leadership not only turned a blind eye to her rapist, but told her she was shut out from the kingdom of heaven. Rather than be reminded of her “worth in Christ,” she has been crushed by God’s shepherds.

Like in Mia’s case (see her story) Emily’s church was not some radical fringe, cultish group. Rather, she was raised in a small, but respected denomination that prides itself on doctrinal thoughtfulness and purity.

But her church leadership has acted with anything but thoughtfulness or purity. They have acted with as great an evil as I have seen in these cases of leadership abuse.

Emily’s Story

Emily went through a period of blindness and attended a blind school for a short time when she was 18. She told me, the blindness was diagnosed as due to PTSD from her childhood sexual molestation and has since been resolved.

She said she began dating Jeff out of rebellion there but was “forcibly stopped” by her parents. They “tricked” her into leaving the school leading her to believe they had a family emergency. She explained, “They refused to let me out of the vehicle once they confronted me about my relationship” with Jeff.

Emily soon after attended a Christian singles conference where she met Chip. He was a big man and a member of one of her denominational churches in another city. They met up once again the following summer when they both attended the conference again and began “dating” over email.

Emily had no desire to marry Chip, but she explained to me, “I felt like I was used goods and nobody else would ever want me after that.” She and Chip ended up getting engaged.

But, she discovered him to be controlling and he hurt her repeatedly, physically and sexually, even before they were engaged.

Following one of his rapes she was taken to the Emergency Room where he remained by her bedside every minute. One of the nurses wrote in Emily’s record that she was very concerned about the “psychological circumstances of family at the bedside” along with several other comments about who was with her in the ER room. It can only be assumed that Chip was keeping a close watch on what she would report to the doctors and the nurse had suspicions as to the cause of her injuries.

Emily has pictures of the bruising. She said,

“I did try to report this to the [church leadership] but was rebuked and told to stop slandering my [fiance] in order to balm my own conscience.”

In addition, Chip had made comments that “he had molested both of his sisters as children and hoped that I could produce several daughters during our marriage.”

Emily was frightened and confused.

She reached out to Jeff once again. He offered to put her up in an apartment he had access to while she healed.

Emily stayed up all night, packed up what she could in garbage bags, and left her family’s home without them knowing. She told me,

“I left a 4-page letter on the kitchen table for my parents and Chip. [During] the entire trip to [Jeff’s city] Chip blew up my phone constantly. In the past if I didn’t answer messages and calls immediately he would hound me and others until I responded.“

That evening and well into the night, Emily’s father and other church leaders were texting and messaging her. They were

“begging me to come home for the good of my soul and blasting me for the sins they thought I had committed, including living with a man I wasn’t married to. Never mind that we had separate apartments.”

In time, her father quit contacting her, but her pastor continued messaging unabated. Emily was being “shunned” by her family and “hounded” by her pastor.

“I asked many times to be allowed to show evidence of the sexual abuse and physical abuse – both in the form of deep bruises and scars (that were still visible months later) and electronic proof I had gathered and kept.”

Since her mother was not speaking to her, Emily even offered evidence of the abuse to a lady in her church.

Emily said,

“Pastor Johnson said anything I submitted would be useless and automatically dismissed/denied because of the way I had left made me an ‘unreliable witness.’ I was not even allowed to submit proof since it was simply an attempt for me to excuse my sexual immorality.”

Playing the Harlot

Emily was compared to Jezebel. She was told she had “played the harlot.” She was told she could be “Rahab” (a prostitute) though needed the redemption Rahab got and she didn’t have.

She was called a “whore.”

Emily was told she had “lied to Chip” because she had not told him she was leaving.

“I was told that as a condition of repentance I would need to send Chip an apology letter specifically citing the sexual sins in full, explicit detail that I had led him into and for breaking my ‘vows of betrothal to him.‘”

She sent a letter that she described as full of the “juicy details.” But, Emily also begged to show the church leaders her evidence of abuse.

Her letter wasn’t good enough. She was planning to marry Jeff, who was a Catholic, and that showed she was unrepentant. It was believed that he could not be a Christian and Catholic.

She was then required to tell Jeff she did not believe he was a Christian and he was going to hell.

Emily was excommunicated by the church.

To Open and Shut the Kingdom Gates

“After the excommunication it was as if I no longer existed. Pastor Johnson had told me I was also being excommunicated because Jeff was Catholic and he told me that they, as elders, had the authority to open and shut the gates of heaven. And that they were shut to me.”

It was a Catholic priest who was most helpful in her healing. Emily told me the priest assured her, “Whatever sins I had committed I had been forgiven for by my faith in Jesus’s sacrifice and that it was time to also heal from the spiritual and physical wounds I had.”

The priest offered to have a couple Sisters sit with her.

Amazingly, Emily continued to seek the blessing of her former church. She reached out to them a year later and they told her she needed to show at least 8-12 months of repentance for her membership to be reinstated. Emily said she lived in “absolute terror of making an error.“

As evidence of repentance, Emily was told to remove pictures of her wedding from Facebook that included her new husband with the feet of Jesus in the background.

Emily said, “I was required to stand in front of the congregation while my sins were read aloud in graphic specifics.” However, her parents were unwilling to see her so she was not present when they read her “confession” to the church.

She “started to wear a head covering and only wore long skirts to further exhibit humility and submission since Pastor Johnson said that humility was a sign of repentance.”

Where To Now?

Emily is crying out. She has been so deeply hurt by the church and her family, on top of the trauma caused by sexual abuses she has suffered over the years. She has held it in, trying to go on with her life. But she wants her story to help others.

She has received so little vindication. It took much for her to open up to others about the spiritual abuse she has faced. Those with which she has trusted her spiritual growth and safety have so badly failed in ministering to her in her brokenness.

And Emily wants to see her relationship with her parents redeemed.

Who is going to humble themselves and seek her forgiveness. Who is going to recognize that their theology has gone seriously awry when they consider rape to be the woman’s fault?

Who is going to step aside from their complicity with rape and spiritual abuse and seek her forgiveness on their knees?

Unfortunately, it is not looking hopeful.

Emily needs to have the final word in her story:

“In sharing all of this I in no way excuse my sinful nature or the fact that everyday I am in need of God’s mercy and grace. That being said, I firmly believe the way I was treated was grossly negligent and spiritually abusive. I need safety and support. I needed shepherding and healing. All I found when I most needed love and light was damnation and darkness. I came to them bleeding and broken and they left me more broken still.

Growing up dad and mom taught us God uses broken, fallen vessels for his purpose and glory . . . I can’t help but think this is one of those cases. I found safety with Jeff when literally no one else was safe or could provide that safety for me. And we have a beautiful family and my husband loves the Lord and we are raising our daughters to know their worth in Christ and His love.“

Accountability Guilt: Jack’s Life in the Wilderness Under Abusive Leadership

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When is enough, enough?

More often than not, leadership abuse survivors struggle with “Accountability Guilt.”

When we were leaving our mission work after nearly eight wonderful years working with our fellow missionaries and our national hosts, we were driven to bring accountability to our toxic leadership.

We knew that they would shift the blame and justify and defend against individual complaints. So, we reached out to approximately fifty missionaries, no longer serving with the mission, requesting that they sign a letter asking the mission board to hear the stories of those who had been wounded by the abusive leadership.

Over forty responded to that call and signed a letter seeking some kind of accountability for the leaders.

From what we have heard, nothing every happened. No interviews. No change in leadership.

Battle Weary

At this point, do you continue to go to battle? Or do you throw up your hands and give it up?

Pastor Jack was hired by a large church in the south to be a church planter in their city.

The trouble began when he interviewed for the position. He and his wife had flown to the city where he spent the first two days in interviews, was given the third to explore the city, and then would preach on Sunday at one of the daughter congregations.

At 6:30 AM on Saturday, the tourist day, Jack and his wife were awoken to his phone ringing. It was Sam, the church’s Executive Pastor. Sam was not ordained to ministry, but acted and was treated like he was a pastor.

Sam asked Jack to meet him in the hotel restaurant for breakfast. Jack was “confused, but jumped in the shower and went down not knowing what to expect.”

After some pleasantries and small talk, Sam “leaned into” Jack and asked, “Do you want this job or not?”

Jack had sought to be humble in his interviews, noting in his answers that if they were to hire him. . . if he were to come. . . But, now that seemed to be turned on him. Later he would piece things together. The Executive Pastor took on an arrogant posture for which Jack wasn’t prepared. Jack explained that it sounded like Sam was saying,

“Hey, we are the pretty girl at the dance! You’ve been in a small town church planting/pastoring for the past seven years and now you have the opportunity of a lifetime. There are men who would do anything to work at [this church]. Do you want this job or not?”

The Executive and Senior Pastors continued to browbeat Jack following his hiring over silly and inconsequential things. They were critical of his preaching. They were critical that he wasn’t getting enough people in the pews. Jack wasn’t a “skilled master builder.”

Whose Ministry?

On Sunday mornings the various campus pastors got together to pray before heading to their various church campuses. On one of those Sundays, Jack’s wife was not feeling well. They had planned a “new comers'” lunch at their home. They held these lunches in their home over a home cooked meal and in a relaxed fellowship setting.

Jack asked the other pastors to pray for his wife. Sam responded by telling him to take them all out to lunch instead of having them into his home. Jack said,

My gut told me that was a bad idea (taking 14 people to a restaurant in the city would be difficult; plus the point of the new comers lunch was to provide a more relaxed environment for getting to know these folks in our home). So I answered Sam back, ‘If we don’t do it today, I’ll reschedule it for next Sunday.’ I used my own discernment.

The next day, Sam came into Jack’s office, sat down, and said, “Jack, what kind of man are you? The man who says, ‘Yes sir,’ or the man who says, ‘F*%# off,’?”

In retrospect, he believes he should have told Sam to never talk to him that way again and put in his two-week notice. He said,

But. . . What was I supposed to do? I had just bought a house in [the city] 6 months prior. The congregation had just started. My kids were in the schools. I felt like I was in a bad marriage. I was trapped.

Another time, the staff was on a retreat for several days. A member of Jack’s congregation had been diagnosed with leukemia and was pregnant. On the second to last day of the retreat, Jack was informed the family had lost their baby. He decided that he leave the retreat early and minister to the family.

Rather than encourage Jack in his ministry to this hurting family, the pastors took affront. Jack explained,

“Later the next week, I was called into Sam’s office and [the Senior Pastor] and Sam said, ‘Jack, you thought it was pretty important to leave the staff retreat early.’ I was stunned and didn’t know what to say. I was sitting there thinking, ‘Someone’s baby just died and you are chewing me out for leaving the staff retreat a day early?’ Later the next year, the woman with leukemia also died.”

A Better Place

The arrogant, harsh, and authoritarian treatment Jack received under Sam and the Senior Pastor in the end drove him out. He said,

“I do know this. [The church] was a confusing wilderness for me. And in the wilderness, Jesus did an amazing work of grace in my life. I am a better pastor because of my time at [the church]. But not because [it] was a healthy place that taught me how to be a pastor. It was because [the church] was an unhealthy place and taught me how NOT to be a pastor.”

Fortunately, the Lord has given him a much better place for ministry. Jack’s new church has loved him, cared for his family, and encouraged his gifting as a pastor. He is in a new place without bitterness or anger.

The Question Remains

However, the question remains: Does Jack have a moral duty to continue seeking accountability for his pastors?

Jack sent a letter to his denomination’s regional council suggesting there be interviews of others who have been wounded by Sam and his former Pastor. And he would like for these two men to be challenged by the words of those interviewed:

Ideally, I would love to see those two men really listen to my story and the stories of others. And as they listen, I would like them to say nothing. Just listen. And then after some time to reflect on how much they wounded those that were under their authority, how big the debris field of pain and confusion that they left, I would like their hearts to be softened, to be warmed by the grace, the love, the kindness, and the gentleness of Jesus for them. My hope is that when the Lord works His grace in their hearts, they would then respond by repenting for specific sins and asking for my forgiveness, which I have already extended to them in my own heart.

from a letter to the regional council

The regional council responded to his letter, having spoken to the pastor, and asked for Jack to sit down with the pastor and two member of the council to talk about his experience.

The pastor sent an “apology” to Jack. The letter was less than a page long and included a very general apology. At first Jack was encouraged by the words from his former boss. But, as he considered what repentance should look like from abusive authority, he began to question the wisdom of going back into the fray with his pastor.

It is the same ol’ struggle. Are we to continue pursuing the steps of Matthew 18 until there is resolution at the highest levels of church authority?

As I have written many times, our responsibility in following Jesus’ words in Matthew 18 at times end with Jesus’ words in Matthew 7:6. Jack has taken numerous steps – one-on-one and with those of higher authority – to bring accountability. But, if there is “danger” in continuing to confront the pastor, he is free to move on and allow those in higher authority to do their job.

It is indeed the council’s job to bring accountability to the pastor as his ruling authority. The question now becomes,

Will those with the authority to act on the employment of a wicked leader take their responsibilities seriously?

We Want A King: Complicity with Toxic Leadership

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I have spoken with many victims of leadership abuse. It is common that they have also faced off with other leaders in the organization who supported the leader reported as toxic.

Relationship with, the power, or charm of the leader created followers and like-minded fools. They became complicit with the abuse though maybe having the best intentions.

But their complicity is from the pit of hell and must be understood and stopped.

Like Israel, we often desire a king and are willing to overlook all the warnings of toxic leadership not unlike God’s warnings to Israel at that time (1 Samuel 8:10-18).

King David, in his Psalm 55, describes the abuser. In these hard words he is describing a supposed “friend”:

His speech was smooth as butter,
yet war was in his heart;
his words were softer than oil,
yet they were drawn swords.

Psalm 55:21 (ESV)

But, the Psalm is interesting because David continually goes between singular and plural pronouns for his oppressor(s). At one moment you believe he is speaking of one individual who is tormenting him and the next an army. But, the Psalm is all wrapped around the very personal enemy. . . who is not an enemy but a “friend.”

David’s experience is not unlike our own under toxic leadership in many cases. A leader generally has authority because he or she is granted it by the will of the organization – whether a board or other stakeholders. There are others complicit in his wickedness.

Those who grant authority to someone who oppresses, demeans, throws things, calls others horrible names, and generally acts like a spoiled child are responsible for allowing it to continue.

And it is from the pit of hell.

It matters not what great things the leader has done. If he oppresses others, he does not have the Lord’s blessing to remain in leadership.

Recently, I spoke with a victim of toxic church leadership. He spoke of a church board that, at the beginning of his experience, was simply misled by the leader. At that time they were responsive to the victim’s pleas for help.

However, in time, he described the board as becoming more and more toxic themselves. It was evident that they were being “handled” by the pastor and buying more and more into the pastor’s foolishness. These board members became heavy-handed like the pastor. They passed on his words as if God’s words. They sought to control the victim for the selfish ends of the leader.

Real Leadership

Jesus warned of toxic leadership.

But Jesus called them to him and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. It shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be your slave, even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

Matthew 20:25-28 (ESV)

Real leaders lead as servants to their followers. That goes for churches, businesses, non-profit organizations, or political office.

Standing with Evil

Paul explained the character of true church leadership:

For an overseer, as God’s steward, must be above reproach. He must not be arrogant or quick-tempered or a drunkard or violent or greedy for gain, but hospitable, a lover of good, self-controlled, upright, holy, and disciplined.

Titus 1:7-8 (ESV)

Unfortunately, we all tend to be swayed by gifted and charming leaders. “They may not have these qualities Paul describes, but they sure get things done. . . and they are things we want done!“

We are quick to stand up at their side against their victims. We jump to the conclusion that the leader could not possibly be so wicked as to sexually harrass, lead with harshness, demean others, spiritually abuse, or seek his own greedy way.

But make no mistake. In standing and jumping we become complicit with the evil.

Paul, speaking in some of his strongest words against the Corinthians, calls them “arrogant.” He calls out the ones who are complicit by remaining aloof of a member’s sin. How much more should we refuse complicity with an abusive leader!

Arrogance

When we stand with an abusive leader we are arrogant in that we think we know better than the one who has suffered under their threats and violence. We think that in our place of favor with the leader we understand them better than the victim.

When a report of toxic leadership is made, the response should be one of listening and understanding. Otherwise, the hearer will face the consquences of his complicity. He is returning evil for the good of bringing to light the darkness of sin:

If anyone returns evil for good,
evil will not depart from his house.

Proverbs 17:13 (ESV)

Woe to those who would fail to interpret the events in a true light:

Woe to those who call evil good
and good evil,
who put darkness for light
and light for darkness,
who put bitter for sweet
and sweet for bitter!

Isaiah 5:20 (ESV)

Do the Hard Work: Investigate

Many will cry foul as they hold forth the rare exception of false reports. But false reports can be found out when investigated. Unfortunately, many do not take the time to investigate but immediately disbelieve reports against their beloved leader.

We all need to be humble enough to set aside our biases and easily affected attitudes towards our leaders and hear reports with a desire to know the truth.

For, indeed, it is the truth that will set victims free from oppression.

Let us be found to stand on God’s side. Not complicit with toxic leadership.

Bring Back the Sheep: Leading the Body of Christ in Post-Covid?

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How do church leaders deal with members who have not returned since the Covid lockdowns?

I have heard various responses over the past few months. As churches opened up more and more over the past year, there was the hope that the people would return in droves. Rather, as feared by some, many have remained aloof from the church.

A common suggestion is that leaders “remind members of their vows” when they came into membership. After all, members have promised to serve the church and submit to the elders.

But this response strikes me as a bit cold.

In part, because I have watched with great disappointment as the church did all it could to tear itself apart during these two to five horribly polarizing years. Where the church should have raised up to help those who were being devastated by both the pandemic and the economic results of the shutdown, instead it was going to battle with governments (local and federal) and with one another.

The church seemed to become more concerned about its own belly button than for its mission to God’s world. It became all the more “musk ox,” as Dick Keyes describes in “Chameleon Christianity,” than a missional body seeking to bring hope and healing to the lost.

So, as members of Christ’s family have become disheartened by the actions and hurtful words of God’s people, I have stopped short of blaming them for their reticense to come back into worship services. Though I believe Scripture teaches that the church is God’s design and He is ever building it in His ways and according to His desires, I also empathize with these folks.

I believe that we need to listen to these people and seek to understand their difficulties. Then we can determine if we can love one another in better ways in order that they may want to hold to their vows.

We need to remember that a church member’s vows were to the church that Jesus has built under leaders that are following Him. . . not the leaders’ political party or other man-made rules. [Believe it or not, Scripture does not teach on our political party registration]. It seems that when all else fails for leaders to retain power and authority, they require submission to them as their fall-back position.

Look to Jesus

Rather, we should look to Jesus, the Shepherd of our souls, for the kind of leadership He demands of His elders and pastors.

And they came to Capernaum. And when he was in the house he asked them, “What were you discussing on the way?” 34 But they kept silent, for on the way they had argued with one another about who was the greatest. 35 And he sat down and called the twelve. And he said to them, “If anyone would be first, he must be last of all and servant of all.” 36 And he took a child and put him in the midst of them, and taking him in his arms, he said to them, 37 “Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me, and whoever receives me, receives not me but him who sent me.”

Mark 9:33-37 (ESV)

Jesus used receiving a child as an example for their leadership model.

What does that say to church leaders? At the very least, it suggests humility. Particularly, in the New Testament society, children were the humblest of all. They had NO authority. Who would listen (or receive) a child as important?

Rather than playing the authority trump card (no pun intended), consider asking these questions of those who are struggling to re-engage with the church:

  • Are there ways the church leaders, or members of the church, have made it difficult for you to return?
  • Are there ways the church leaders have failed to be Christ-like in their leadership?
  • Are there ways we have added to Scripture or subtracted such that you do not trust our leadership?
  • How can we serve you as shepherds?

Don’t Stop

But, you must not stop there.

Many leaders will ask these questions and then show their toxic leadership by then telling members what’s what. The leaders will defend and justify themselves and their congregations rather than humbly respond in empathy (even when the member is wrong). . . hearing the hearts of their sheep and recognizing that they have their reasons for being hurt.

Leaders who desire to be Christ-like in their leadership must humbly consider their own failings and seek to restore through humility those who are wandering in the wilderness.

Nearly every individual I know, who is failing to return to church at this time, has good reasons. Those reasons are because they feel beat up after every service by well-meaning, but Pharisaical leaders. . . leaders who have added to Scripture their own ethical and political standards.

Leaders, turn your eyes upon Jesus and turn away from holding your authority tightly. Seek to be last rather than first. Serve, rather than be served. Defend the sheep rather than self.

Small Group Communion: Why Would a Pastor Crush a Beautiful Thing?

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by Ginny Barker

For a while we had something beautiful. 

Every single week a small group of us from church met together. We alternated weeks being out somewhere, such as trivia night at a brewery, with meeting for dinner in someone’s home. Yes, we might have spiritual discussions and yes, we did frequently share concerns and needs for prayer and, yes, we did often pray together, but the focus was on our relationships. Intentional community, it was called. 

This group of people became my lifeline, my family of sorts, my refuge during some terribly hard years. I lived for Tuesday evenings when I knew I could show up and be me in whatever mess I was in. And they knew I was there for them. Always. And outside of Tuesdays we still got together for hiking and game nights and such. Life together. It was the closest thing I had ever experienced up to that point to what I think true fellowship looks like. 

A new pastor came along and changed things up. He brought an agenda. Each week became a specific Bible study with questions and answers and asking one another spiritual questions about sin and repentance. The tone changed. The atmosphere changed. The streams of living water dried up and I was faced with a desert of spiritual expectations and forced piety. When we questioned the changes the leader of the group asked, “But don’t you love the Word?” The pastor blasted us in a sermon, proclaiming we were to “say no to casualness of faith…just hanging out and doing things together because it makes us feel good.” He told my husband that the change was not up for discussion. Drop it.

And like that, just like that, what had been so very beautfiful to me was gone. This all happened amid a growing concern over other serious issues and I quit attending church. And then we left the church altogether. Another story for another time.

I was left to grieve and grieve deeply what I had lost. And yet there was a hefty heap of shame on top of it all. Why was the transition from hanging out and loving one another to a structured spiritual time together so hard for me? Did I “love the Word?” Or didn’t I? 

I had always longed for a sense of community and felt oh, so bad for wanting it. In church cultures where deep dives into theology or telling “the lost” about Jesus were the true marks of a heart after God, my hunger for connection was seen as avoiding the hard truth that Jesus should be all I need. 

Why was the loss of this little community so devastating to me? When reading Krispin Mayfield’s book, Attached to God, I found my answer. 

And rather than try to cut and paste bits and pieces, I’m going to share most of the entire section:

Therapist Francis Broucek worked with many clients in families where the mode of relationship was to meet a parent’s strict standard. This created a sense of self that put value in the person’s performance. He found that in the most important relationships, where “a connection should be, there is only the experience of being evaluated or evaluating oneself.” It doesn’t always have to be negative judgment, but that every interaction was based on how the child was peforming, how they were doing, rather than the parent coming close for closeness’ sake. For these clients, the relationship was all assessment, absent of true connection. 

For many of us, this mirrors the spiritual tradition we’ve been given. Most facets of religious life have been about determining whether you are following God in the right ways. How close are you? What are you supposed to be doing next? Are you growing–or backsliding? What is God trying to teach you right now?

,,,Broucek found that this same prompting between parents and children created shame. It’s not surprising since in the absense of connection. we begin to conclude that the disconnect is because there is something repulsive about us. The more we continue to focus on our performance and progress, the more we feel shame. When we believe that shame is due to sin, then we try to get it right–or confess our way out of shame. But if we’re going to heal from shame, we need relationships that go beyond evaluation. 

As Broucek reflected on our need for a connection that creates sanctuary in a world of evaluation, he thought about the importance of interactions that aren’t rooted in evaluation, assessment, standards, or measuring up. Searching for a word to describe a relationship that is nonevaluative, he decided simply to call this kind of connection “communion.” 

Krispin Mayfield, “Attached to God”

Communion. That is what I had. That is what I lost when the template of spiritual performance and evaluation was slammed down on a precious group of people. 

Mayfield had started this section of the book by saying that in order to understand our belovedness, we need to experience it. We need to be able to connect with God and with people minus the constant state of evaluation and performance. 

Some of my friends and I have a regular conversation that goes something like this: “Why are friendships with church people so much harder and more awkward?” I think this explains so much. We have been somehow convinced that our own connection to God is dependent on our performance and part of our performance is policing the performance of those around us. Thus we admonish and exhort and chide, we goad and sharpen, we lob scripture bombs, and often suffocate with the silence of disapproval. But we don’t listen. We don’t treat one another with respect. We don’t necessarily treat one another as beloved. We don’t believe that connecting for the sake of connecting is beautiful in and of itself.  

(True admonishment and exhortation, when necessary, should only come in the context of strong connection and community. Otherwise it does way more damage that good.)

Why was I so grief-stricken? I had lost communion. I had lost communion in the name of God. 

I know my processing of this has been long and rambling but it now makes so much sense to me. Reading this short passage in a very excellent book (I highly recommend reading it) proved to be lightbulb moment in my understanding of my hunger for connection, community, communion. It helped me understand my grief and why that loss was so very profound. And it helps me know what I, what we all, really need. 

All Abuse Ravages Victims: My Eye is Wasted from Grief

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https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/kelly-dehnert/episodes/All-Abuse-Ravages-Victims-How-Does-Emotional-Abuse-Devastate-e2988d3

It all comes together.

Abuse. Devastates. People.

Not just the abuse that involves hitting. But abuse in all its forms – physical, emotional, and spiritual.

I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love,
because you have seen my affliction;
you have known the distress of my soul,
8 and you have not delivered me into the hand of the enemy;
you have set my feet in a broad place.
9 Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am in distress;
my eye is wasted from grief;
my soul and my body also.
10 For my life is spent with sorrow,
and my years with sighing;
my strength fails because of my iniquity,
and my bones waste away.

Psalm 31:7-10 (ESV)

David suffered from his own sin (vs. 10) and the sin of others as well (vss. 7-8). I want to focus on the sin of others as David presents it and the affects on him as God’s child.

David was a man of war. He had many enemies.

But, he wrote that it wasn’t just enemies who lived across geographical boundaries that sought to kill him. There were those who sought his destruction through emotional violence (their words) as noted in Psalm 55.

His speech was smooth as butter,
yet war was in his heart;
his words were softer than oil,
yet they were drawn swords.

Psalm 55:21 (ESV)

These were enemies who he considered at one time to be his friends. And their abusive words deeply wounded David.

The Affects of Abuse

Those who seek to downplay the affects of emotional or spiritual abuse as opposed to those of physical abuse fail to understand the full witness of Scripture. They minimize what the Bible does not minimize. It is evident in Scripture that the wounds caused by all types of abuse are injurious to the person spiritually, emotionally, and physically.

Those who have been emotionally abused can almost always point to physical affects in their lives. It is customary to discover physical ailments in those who have been psychologically abused by bosses at work and husbands or wives in the home. It is the norm, not the exception.

In fact, David makes it clear that the wounds of emotional and spiritual abuse deeply impact the physical well-being of man and so are physically ruinous. It is our failed Western thinking, not the Bible, that has created a dichotomy between the spiritual and physical. This dichotomy has made for war between the Bible and psychology (and neurological sciences) in many cases.

“Bullying [abuse] has shown effects on the victims’ mental and physical health, resulting in concentration problem, headache, sleep disturbance, and altered eating habits and timings.”

Mariam Ciby and R.P. Raya, “Exploring Victims’ Experiences of Workplace Bullying: A Grounded Theory Approach,” Vikalpa: The Journal of Decision Makers 39, no. 2 (June 2014): 75.

Interesting, it seems like I read that in the Psalms (Ps. 102).

I interviewed a young woman several years ago who suffered under a toxic pastor/boss. She worked in the women’s ministry for the church for several years. She described her experience this way:

“I was under so much stress that I was having migraines every two out of three days and throwing up in the middle of staff meetings. I developed an autoimmune condition and insomnia. I ended up in counseling for depression. Now that I am in my new position, I find it very hard to connect emotionally with anyone at church. My new boss is a good, godly man, but because of my last experience, I am still walking on eggshells. I am afraid to make a decision about almost anything, personal or professional. I still struggle with depression and insomnia and I have nightmares about my old boss several times a month.”

Jackie

There was no physical abuse involved in Jackie’s experience. But she was beat up by a toxic leader and suffered physical ailments from his emotional abuse.

Making Much of Emotional Abuse

I often hear individuals, either in person or on blogs, complain about making much of emotional abuse. Generally these folks either lack empathy or are suspicious of empathy as some kind of soft-headedness that is inappropriate for Christians.

But “love your neighbor as yourself” means ethically that you seek to treat others as you wish to be treated. Turning this around, you have a feeling of what others must feel and do not want it for yourself.

“According to the Oxford English Dictionary the word empathy was first employed in 1922, when a need arose to translate a German word in the field of aesthetics (einfurlang, ‘to feel in’). The original intent of the word empathy was to convey how projecting oneself into a work of art (painting, sculpture, theater) would enable a viewer to appreciate better the creation being observed…Empathy, ‘to feel in,’ therefore, was intended to be an advance over old-fashioned concepts such as sympathy or compassion, which mean only ‘to feel or to suffer with.’”

Friedman, Edwin H. (2007-02-01). A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix (Kindle Locations 2501-2503). Church Publishing Inc.. Kindle Edition.

Friedman was not particularly fond of being empathetic. He encouraged a certain stand-offishness to those who suffered so that you might remain rational and unaffected, making decisions devoid of emotions. [see Self-Differentiation: Standing with Wisdom]

However, the Word does not give us that pass.

Team Minimizer

What do David’s words mean—his “body” and “soul” “waste away?” It is important for us as Christians to understand the effects of abuse psychologically because the study involved in this discipline has helped us understand these words. It is the study of the brain (that is relatively new) that has brought it to light. If we have empathy we can grapple with the suffering that abuse of all types causes its victims and respond effectively.

Victims are impacted in every part of their person by all forms of abuse. Emotional, spiritual, physical – all types of abuse traumatize the whole person. Emotional and spiritual abuse change the brain’s functioning. And it is not supposed to be that way. It is contrary to how we were made (Gen. 1 and 2).

If you have been part of the team “Minimizer,” please reconsider your playbook. Consider how you want to be treated, and work for the protection of those who are being treated that way.



Wounded Resisters: A Church Called Tov

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Some time ago, I listened to an interview with Scot McNight and his daughter, Laura Barringer, who together wrote the helpful book on toxic leadership, “A Church Called Tov.” 

Barringer was at Willow Creek Church when Bill Hybel’s kingdom came crashing down. Like so many churches and organizations under toxic leaders, Willow Creek had indeed become a kingdom unto Bill Hybels. If you hear him tell his story, it is a good one. From a strange (and maybe abusive) upbringing and forced travels around the world as a teenager, Hybels built an incredibly globally respected ministry.

Crushing the Underlings

However, his toxic leadership has crushed many of those who relied upon him for godly wisdom and leadership. When the pastor, who is to be respected for their walk with Christ, is actually feeding on the sheep – women, especially in Hybel’s case – it can be difficult for a church member to separate their faith in Christ from their faith in the leader. Though there should be no comparison, experience tells us that the trauma caused by abusive leadership has horrible effects on those who are taken advantage of.

As McNight noted, toxic church culture is detrimental to people growing in Christ. Both the leader himself and those who are “retainers around him who are supporting this person” create a vortex of manipulation from which it is hard to extract oneself. As one missionary told me recently, our growth in Christ is stunted by those who abuse their spiritual authority by turning our hearts from Christ. And it is difficult to burrow out from under their abuse.

Masters of Persona and Image

Toxic leaders so often are “masters of persona and image.” They draw people to their charisma and charm or strong, confident preaching. They may express little or gobs of humility from the pulpit…whichever draw the crowds. Mark Driscoll was arrogant and swaggering from the pulpit. His followers loved getting beat up, driving them to follow Christ with a passion (and arrogance). 

On the other hand, the preacher may exude kindness and care and humility, drawing those who are hurting and downtrodden. 

For the average church goer, these toxic leaders often are a distant attraction. The pew-sitter simply enjoys the preaching and shares the sermons on social media for friends. However, those who begin to involve themselves in the inner workings of the church, whether as volunteers or employees, begin to suffer the abuse firsthand. 

Questioning

Over time, invariably, they begin to question themselves. But, as McNight noted, there is guilt at the thought that they think such thoughts that their leader is toxic. He said, “Ordinary people trust pastors and think they speak for God – think they are spiritually superior.” 

When they begin to have questions they figure it is their own fault. And toxic leaders know this. They take advantage of the trust that people put in them because they are pastors. In addition, McNight said people “close to famous pastors feel they are special and pastors trade on that.” Followers don’t want to be put out of community.

Boz Tchividjian, who interviewed McNight and Barringer, explained that these toxic leaders know this dynamic that a person “will second-guess themselves.” He said, the leader’s “goal is to keep that person silent.” So, they will use their power and the congregant’s fear to control the narrative. The leader will do all they can to “help” the church member question themselves.

Boz noted that in time, somebody comes forward and questions the leadership. But the response they get “automatically triggers this false narrative spinning.” The response often has little to do with the substance of the original issue. “The victim becomes the bad guy. They are marginalized and ostracized.”

Getting Rid of Bad Apples

The title of the book, “A Church Called Tov” comes from the Hebrew word meaning “goodness.” McNight and Barringer named the book as a positive goal for Christians to build churches that are “good” rather than toxic. They wrote to help people identify the bad apples and cultures that spring up under toxic leadership.

The authors encourage church members to look for a “pocket of TOV” in their church. Whether that is a small group Bible study or other group.

And then, become “wounded resisters.” Those who, though deeply hurt by their experience under toxic leadership, dig in and resist the urge to give up on Jesus and His body. I am fond of quoting, “The church is a whore . . . but she is the bride of Christ.” Though she is as white as snow, washed clean in the blood of Jesus, nonetheless, in this world, she is broken and sinful. 

McNight and Barringer suggested returning to the Gospels to read the stories of Jesus. “Get vision there. Let Him minister to you. Don’t think all your spiritual ministry will come through the pastor. There’s hope on the other side.“

Ultimatey we all need to come back to Jesus. For He embodies Tov.

Get your copy of “A Church Called Tov” – KINDLE or Hardback (Pearls and Swine does get a commission from Amazon if you order through these links)

When the Church Gets It Right: Janice’s Story

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Generally, positive stories about how the church responds to abuse are far and few between. It may be because bad news travels much faster than good. But, I would guess that there just are not as many good responses as there are bad.

Janice was married to an abusive pastor. They attended seminary together and the wives of the future pastors were told that they should never tell others bad things about their pastor husbands. It can create trust and respect issues among the congregant members.

Marriage books and conferences speak often to this topic. Wives (and husbands) are normally encouraged to keep bad things to themselves. It is one of the ways you love your spouse these books and speakers say.

All Bets are Off

The problem comes when that spouse is abusive or a philanderer. Then, those bets are off. It took several years and a period of counseling for Janice to realize she needed to share her story with friends.

She had begun questioning if her faith was a sham. As her husband preached on Sunday morning, she would “mostly tune him out.” When he served communion, she would come up “with an excuse to leave.” Was God really there? Everyone loved her husband. He was a great preacher. But it didn’t seem to her to jibe with the loving God she knew.

One elder noted “his duplicit[ous] and deceitful behavior between what he preached from the pulpit and his personal and family behavior.”

When she threatened to talk to the elders, Janice had been told over and over by her abusive husband, “You think those men will believe you…do you think they care?” She had become accustomed to be called a “worthless piece of shit.” It became difficult to really know what God thought of her after her husband’s years of lies about her.

When a target of abuse finally admits to the brokenness of her home to a church’s leadership, often it goes south at this point in their story. The leaders often do not want to see the abuse and will seek to protect their well-loved pastor. They fear scandal and a loss of giving to the church or organization.

Often, the fellow leaders become complicit in the abuse.

The Church at its Best

However, Janice experienced the church at its best. The elders began doing all they could to help her and sought to help her pastor husband with his alcoholism and abuse. After these shepherding attempts did not bear fruit, the full elders’ council was brought together to hear the story.

When you get a whole leadership team together, normally there will be naysayers who will take the side of the abuser, despite the instruction of Deuteronomy 22 –

If in the open country a man meets a young woman who is betrothed, and the man seizes her and lies with her, then only the man who lay with her shall die. But you shall do nothing to the young woman; she has committed no offense punishable by death. For this case is like that of a man attacking and murdering his neighbor…

Deuteronomy 22:25-26

You BELIEVE the woman. There were no witnesses to the abuse in this passage, and the LORD tells Israel in essence, “Believe the woman and hold the man accountable.” Even when a woman has evidence of unfaithfulness or abusive behavior, many people will question the veracity of her claims.

Doing Good

However, these elders wrapped their arms around Janice, believed her story, and sought to serve her needs while ministering to her abusive, pastor husband.

One elder said, “We told him if he did not accept our offer of treatment…that we would ask for his resignation.” In the end, the pastor failed to fulfill the requirements and was asked to resign.

“His sermons were filled with the need to hold onto God’s grace as the believer seeks restoration, forgiveness through restoration. Yet his pronouncements from the pulpit were contrary to his abusive behavior towards his spouse.”

Janice’s elder

As Janice’s elders, they took their shepherding responsibilities seriously, doing everything in their power to help her and seek accountability for their pastor:

  • They believed her. Janice said incredulously, “They believed me. They didn’t throw me out into the street with my kids.”
  • They listened to her concerns that if they told the congregation, she would be in danger emotionally, physically, and financially. So, to this day they have kept her secret for her safety though they have every right to report it to the church.
  • They provided rent for Janice and her children for several months.
  • They provided money for counseling for her and her children.
  • They provided a leave of absence for the pastor and encouraged him to get counseling.
  • When he refused their loving help, they held him accountable and required his resignation.

Read the Manual

Janice’s church leadership read the manual on caring for the abused!

Later, Janice moved to a community a distance away and her new church also took her family in and provided for Janice and her children’s counseling.

Two churches who understood abuse, helping the hurting, and holding the abuser accountable…despite her husband being a well-known and respected preacher. What a story!

These stories are few but they help us know from the survivor’s perspective what is most helpful rather than just what not to do. Our churches need to take heed:

  • Make it clear that the leaders are safe with whom to share these kinds of brokenness…and make sure they truly are safe. One friend of Janice’s brought charges of her husband’s (an elder in another church) infidelity and abuse to the church leadership and they excommunicated her for slander. Unfortunately, this is not uncommon.
  • Help the victim escape the violence whether emotional, physical, spiritual, or financial.
  • Seek ways to provide confidential counseling or support groups for targets of abuse.

God is Good

When asked what provided the most healing for her, Janice suggested the following:

  • She hung out in the Psalms. The psalmists speak deeply to the oppressed.
  • She focused on reading verses that promise that God sees and will take care of the downtrodden.
  • She said, “I am clinging to the verses about beauty from ashes.”
  • She remembers what Satan (and her ex) meant for evil, God can use for good. 
  • She recommends Scott Sauls’ book, “A Gentle Answer.” Janice said, “When I wanted to respond with the intention of hurting him, there was so much in that book that spoke to my heart…that changed my heart. My daughters read it too and it greatly helped them.”
  • Janice fed on God’s deep and abiding love for her as His chosen child. She remembered that she is a daughter of the King!
  • She sought out the truth that God speaks, and ignored her abuser’s lies.
  • Janice also mentioned, “When I was in sin or in a horrible pattern, these two [elders] and their wives, and my Counselor held me accountable.”

Janice noted that she and her children (some still in the house and some grown) have many sweet times together now. When before they tended to do their own thing and hang out by themselves in their own rooms, they now get together and share their stories and what they are learning from their counseling sessions.

When Janice and I finished our conversation I asked her if she had anything more to say. She said, “I finally feel like I’m at a point now where sharing isn’t a form of revenge.”

She has come a long way in forgiving her ex-husband, though he remains unrepentant and has never asked for it. That forgiveness took much time and effort, but it has brought much peace to her life.

Janice hopes that her story can help someone. She explained, “Maybe I could be a listening ear…encourager.”

Beauty from ashes.

Isolation: You Are Not Alone

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Mary and John joined a mission work. They were excited about their ministry in which they would work shoulder to shoulder.

But, now on a mission field far from home, they were under the director’s seeming complete control. Their work visa, their house, their children in the mission school. Everything was controlled in some way by the mission agency.

And the director abused his authority and created daily drama in their lives. He lied. He manipulated. And he isolated them.

There a number of ways those, who are abused in the home or workplace, are isolated by their abusers. Isolation provides secrecy and a means for the abuser to remain unaccountable for his sin. So, abusers may isolate his victim –

  • Spiritually — The abuser may use scripture to control and manipulate, twisting it to suit his own needs. He seeks to isolate you from the Lord by suggesting God is on his side and not yours.
  • Relationally / Emotionally — The abuser may continually remind the victim about her lack of support from others. “Everyone else thinks you are wrong,” he may say though it is just a lie. He wants you to think you must stick with him because no one else has your back.
  • Physically — The victim may be held in a prison of the home and kept from engaging with other people. Or, the victim may be far from home on the mission field and have few options to reach out or get home to those who can help. An abuser knows this and takes advantage of it.
  • Financially — The abuser may hold the purse strings, keeping financial accounts secret or only allowing an allowance. If you have no financial independence or choices, you are dependent on him.

Each of these isolation techniques can be overwhelming.

But, Jesus knows our isolation.

When Jesus was on the cross, He “cried out with a loud voice, saying, ‘Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?’ that is, ‘My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?‘”

This cry of despair came just before He died.

Jesus’ agonizing cry of isolation came when He probably felt completely alone in His incredible sufferings. Both Mark and Matthew make the point leading up to this exclamation that all who sat down by His cross, or were passing by, were ridiculing Him. They were making fun of Him.

Not only was Jesus suffering great physical pain with nails in his hands and feet, but incredible isolation from fellow humans. Again, both Mark and Matthew record that even His supporters—women who had followed him through thick and thin—sat a distance off from Him.

I can’t help but think that Mark and Matthew wanted to make a point by the use of their terms that show Jesus’ isolation. Likely, the women knew there was danger in being too closely alligned with this condemned man.

Isolation.

Complete isolation.

Isolation from God

Add to his relational isolation from people the isolation when it seems God is far off. “Why have you forsaken me?” Jesus cried out to His Father.

Jesus was quoting from His ancestor, King David when the king was also in despair.

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning?
O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer,
and by night, but I find no rest.

Psalm 22:1-2 (ESV)

Jesus, like David, felt the isolation that is complete when even God (Emmanuel—God with us) does not seem to be with us. God, the One Who can truly save. The One powerful enough and loving enough to save does not save.

That is truly isolation.

It is bad enough when men (and women) all around us do not believe our story of abuse in the home or workplace. When they pull back because of discomfort in hearing our story or the church excommunicates you because you seek freedom from your oppressor.

But, when you feel that not even God is answering your cries for help? That is isolation.

Standing by

As God’s people we need to stand by those who have suffered the violence of emotional, spiritual, sexual, economic, or physical abuse. We need to be the hands and feet of Jesus as He calls us to always stand by these who are being crushed.

That may mean we stand in the gap formally or informally.

We may be called by the LORD to be an intermediary (advocate) between a church’s leadership and a victim. Or just be present in court appearances with a victim. Or present a structured separation to the abuser. Or stand up to their boss or board of directors on their behalf.

Each of these should be done wisely and at the direction of the victim. Their safety – in the home or in the workplace – must be the goal of our taking a stand.

Even so, as God’s people stand in the gap, the isolation can be intense and deeply felt. As those on the outside, be cognizant of the victim’s pain, and patiently bear with the abused as they heal. It can be a long and difficult process to once again really experience and know God’s constant presence.

There is more to the story . . .

As we have walked alongside those under abusive leadership in the home or workplace, we have seen the joy that comes in the morning. The isolation, sometimes seemingly unending, does come to an end.

Because, God is never gone.

For those He calls His own, He never rejects or leaves. He will never leave nor forsake you, child of the one true King. This is one of the greatest of trues from the Word. God with us!

David goes on in his psalm to say,

In you our fathers trusted;
they trusted, and you delivered them.
To you they cried and were rescued;
in you they trusted and were not put to shame.

Psalm 22:4-5 (ESV)

David knows from experience that God does and will rescue in time. All Israel had known the presence and liberation of the LORD from their slavery to abusers in Egypt.

“Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning,” David says in Psalm 30.

Joy will come in the morning. The heartache and isolation felt now will be relieved. Other people, including your parents or children, may not believe you. But, your God, in Whom you trust, is there with you and will remain with you no matter how you feel.

And He brings deliverance whether in life or in death.

You are not and will never be alone, child of the King.