I remember hearing the story of an intervention. Fred, the brother of Susan had become an alcoholic and Susan was asked by Fred’s wife to intervene along with a couple of Fred’s brothers. Susan and her brothers lovingly went to Fred. Before they did, a counselor advised them that they would likely become the objects of scorn by Fred’s wife who was asking for the intervention.
It was a strange prophecy. And yet, it came true. Following the intervention—and Fred’s subsequent getting free from his addiction—the small intervention group was disdained by Fred’s wife.
The story was shocking to me. But this is actually a common problem. I have heard similar stories since.
Those who are close to the abuser often fail to see or understand it fully. It makes intervention a difficult and frustrating work even as the addict’s closest friends or family ask for the intervention.
Jonathan, the Example
Jonathan provides one such example, though he proved to truly be a help and solace to his friend David in the end.
In 1st Samuel 20, David had become a hero in Israel, having been wildly successful in his battles with the Philistines. The people would sing songs of praise to him—often comparing him to King Saul:
Saul has struck down his thousands,
1 Samuel 18:7b
and David his ten thousands.
Saul’s jealousy—displayed in chapter after chapter—drives him to madness. Saul is the typical toxic leader. He is one of the very best (worst) examples in Scripture (see here).
In chapter 20, David has once again fled from King Saul. He has been anointed King of Israel, but is not in a place to take the throne. David meets with his best friend, and soul mate, Jonathan and asks him, “What have I done? What is my guilt? And what is my sin before your father [Saul], that he seeks my life?”
Jonathan is agast at David’s question. “Far from it! You shall not die,” he replied. Jonathan cannot imagine his father, Saul doing such a thing and in fact explains he has great confidence that his father would take Jonathan into his confidence if he were seeking David’s life (1 Sam. 20:2).
He cannot see the abuse.
When my wife and I were on the mission field, we were “wined and dined” by our mission leaders for the first several years. We enjoyed meals with the Ambassador (a friend of the mission leaders), trips to an exclusive hotel on the lake, and special praise for the work we were doing.
When others came to us to complain of mistreatment we would pass it off as their inability—just personality differences—to “get along” with the leaders. We didn’t have that problem, so obviously it was primarily the missionary’s fault.
The Test
David pressed the point with Jonathan. So, rather than completely ignore David’s anxiety, Jonathan listened and followed David’s plan to determine if Saul was really toxic.
Jonathan was to attend a multi-day feast with his father and when his father asked where David was, Jonathan was to tell him David was performing sacrifices in his home town of Bethlehem. David was expected to be at the feast and was sure Saul would want to know—since Saul was a toxic leader.
If Saul responded badly, then Jonathan would know that David’s assessment of Saul’s leadership abuse was accurate. The two of them then came up with a plan for getting the results of the test to David covertly.
I want to quote the results in full as it is an extraordinary response by Saul. It is striking that Jonathan didn’t foresee it coming because it is so extreme:
Then Saul’s anger was kindled against Jonathan, and he said to him, “You son of a perverse, rebellious woman, do I not know that you have chosen the son of Jesse to your own shame, and to the shame of your mother’s nakedness? 31 For as long as the son of Jesse lives on the earth, neither you nor your kingdom shall be established. Therefore send and bring him to me, for he shall surely die.” 32 Then Jonathan answered Saul his father, “Why should he be put to death? What has he done?” 33 But Saul hurled his spear at him to strike him. So Jonathan knew that his father was determined to put David to death. 34 And Jonathan rose from the table in fierce anger and ate no food the second day of the month, for he was grieved for David, because his father had disgraced him.
1 Samuel 20:30-34
Wow. Really?
Of course, Saul’s threats and emotional abuse are mixed with supposed concern for Jonathan— “neither you or your kingdom shall be established” —but it is shocking to see such horrific abuse. And shocking that Jonathan didn’t seem to have a clue before this event.
The Bite of Betrayal
So too, many who are close to the abusive leader—relatives or employees or CEOs—will fail to see the abuse by choice, self-protection, ignorance, or simply haven’t seen it in action. Until we were the objects of our leaders’ abuses we failed to receive reports of the abuse well. We deeply regret those days and failed counseling attempts.
This is a call to all who name the Name of Christ to hear, receive, and stand by targets of leadership abuse. Though the leader may be a friend or boss or coworker, understand abuse and be willing to see it and call it what it is. Then, do not fight against those who are trying to bring accountability though it may cause you some discomfort.
And to those advocates who receive the brunt of the frustration and hurt from those who are close to the abuser, press on without bearing anger or bitterness. It is a hard place to attempt to stand in the gap and then to be treated badly by those for whom you stood.
It may help to remember two things: It is not uncommon and you can expect some pushback. Secondly, know that the inner circle of the abusive leader may simply need more time to process the destruction their boss has caused. It is not easy to see the forest for the trees.
Give grace and give time. And stand firm.