Category Archives: Leadership

PCC’s Dirty Little Secret: Kate’s Story Part Two

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Editor’s Note: This is the second in a three-part series. Part three can be found here when it is posted.

It has been two years since the Williams left Peace Community Church.1 They would have remained silent had the abusive leadership not proceeded to crush others the Williams love.

“Michael and I loved being at Peace Community Church. We loved the community, the worship and a place to serve.  We were deeply hurt that we felt we could no longer stay. All at once we lost a place to worship, a church community, fellowship with people we loved. And we lost ministries that we felt God had called and gifted us to serve in.”

We carry on with Kate’s story of pastoral abuse.

Part One of Kate’s story may be found here.

Blame-Shifting

Just as we see in the Garden of Eden, we tend to blame-shift when confronted for our sin (Gen. 3). Toxic leaders make an art of it.

What the Williams discovered is that abusive leaders will often “change the narrative from his/her verbal abuse to the person’s (that they have attacked) sins and call the attack a conflict.” It is just another form of blame-shifting where the attention is placed on the offended and taken off the offender.

Pastor Ensome wrote one email to the Williams where he described the experience of a member who came to his house and later told others he had “yelled at her.” He complained to the Williams that his wife and daughter were in an adjoining room and they had said Ensome did not “yell” at the woman.

Pastor Ensome has both admitted to and others have described his anger. It does not come out necessarily in a loud voice but in attitude and words. In his email telling of the story he basically admitted to examples of a significant problem for his leadership – anger [see Titus 1:7-8].

But he skillfully wove the narrative to once again make himself a saint and the woman a liar. The confrontation at his house wasn’t about his sin (what she was confronting him for) but rather about the woman’s perception of his response.

In doing so, he made sure it was understood that he was the humble one AND the persecuted one effectively shifting the blame.

It’s All Your Fault

In an email three months later, the Pastor continued the spiritual abuse, misusing scripture to badger and excuse his poor shepherding, shifting the blame to Kate. He said in the email,

“Jesus knows you, and all that you have done for him. Really, that is all that matters. If my words turn out to be false, then your honor in your service to Christ is all the greater. You are the only one who can fail to walk with integrity with Christ. I really have no power to destroy what matters to you and to the Lord Jesus. My words really make little difference, if any.”

Notice the sleight of hand he uses here? While supposably apologizing and entitling the email “encouragement,” Pastor Ensome in essence told Kate that his words don’t mean anything. It is her fault if she does damage to the integrity of her walk with God.

It is her fault.

The blame for her deep hurt is found in Kate doing damage to herself. Not in his words. Pastor Ensome has no culpability for his words.

As Kate said, a pastor’s words carry a lot of weight. “Especially a pastor whom I had respected, admired and trusted. How could my pastor say such hurtful things in such a mean, and cold manner?” This is why Paul and James suggest teachers and leaders should have more accountability [James 3:1, 1 Timothy 3:2, 5:19-20]. A pastor’s words have special authority.

Kate shared,

“He told me that my eyes emanated judgement so, for weeks after that meeting I questioned what I looked like to people when I was talking to them. He stated that John (an elder), who I also respected, had issues with me. But, John emphatically responded that he did not. . . He told me the staff pastor had told him I couldn’t get along with the ladies that I had poured so much of my heart and energy into serving. . .Though the staff pastor told me he never said anything like this to Pastor Ensome.“

And yet, Pastor Ensome suggests that words will never hurt her. The only way his words can hurt her is if she is spiritually weak . . . so, now it is her fault.

Isolating the Target

When Pastor Ensome told Kate the staff pastor and elder John both had difficulties with her, he effectively isolated her.

One of the most common, and effective means of controlling the narrative is by forcing the victim into their own little bubble. . . where there is no help. Or, so it seems.

Kate, for a time, thought she was alone in her struggle with Pastor Ensome. She and Michael had no one to advocate for them. According to the pastor, everyone was against her.

But, fortunately the truth won out as both the staff pastor and other elder (John) made it clear to her that they had nothing against her. In addition, the long-time member shared common stories of abuse with her.

Though we do not want to depend on others (rather than Christ) for our strength, God has made us for community and for bearing of one another’s burdens.

And so, they can no longer keep silent.

No Longer Silent

Kate and Michael have learned that their silence for the past two years is not helping the body of Christ.

Though they have gotten free of Pastor Ensome’s abusive leadership, they are determined to stand by those who are continuing to suffer under his misuse of spiritual authority. Just as others suffered before the Williams showed up on the scene, there are others who continue to face Pastor Ensome’s wrath; including two recent employees.

One has resigned and another has been fired.

“Pastor Ensome’s words took away from me part of my identity and undermined the loving relationships I had with those I served. He damaged my trust in others in positions of authority. . . We have come to realize that it may not be in the best interest of PCC for us to remain silent because keeping silent may actually be hurting the church if Pastor Ensome is allowed to stay in his position of power.“

It is a risk to stand up against someone who has authority. There is real danger. But this is the way of the cross; to risk harm in order to seek truth and healing for others who are not free.3 As a friend of theirs helpfully shared,

“There is no neutrality with this sort of sin. You either confront the abuse, or you enable and embolden it. Silence only serves the abuser. Sin grows in the dark.”

Comfort

When I asked Kate what Scripture has been helpful as they have sought healing, she mentioned Psalm 18:1-3. She explained, “He truly was, in the early days after Pastor Ensome’s attack, my Rock and Refuge.”

She also added that she felt ministered to by Psalm 34. It helped her to remember to “praise Him everyday and remember His faithfulness and goodness.” Kate said, “Verses 17 and 18 in particular were promises to hold on to. Even though this was a painful experience, there was sweetness to it because the Lord’s Presence became such a comfort.”

Like many of the psalmists, survivors of leadership and domestic abuse can know that the Lord hears prayer and He knows what it means to be cruelly abused and mistreated. He has faced it Himself.

But, unlike others who have survived abuse, the Lord is powerful and able to bring vindication from the deep wells of His love for His people.

Part Three of this series (Michael’s Story) can be found here on September 2.

NOTES:

3 Was it not this very thing Jesus did to bring us freedom; to suffer the loss of His life at the hands of the authorities in order to bring freedom to others.

The names used in this article are fictitious, but the story is not. Pearls and Swine does not publish names, places, or identifiable information as it is our desire to keep victims of abusive leadership safe and to not distract from the lessons that can be learned from their story.

PCC’s Dirty Little Secret: Kate’s Story

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Editor’s Note: This is the first in a three-part series. Part two can be found here.

It has been two years since the Williams left Peace Community Church.1 They would have remained silent had the abusive leadership not proceeded to crush others the Williams love.

The Williams had an amiable relationship with Pastor Ensome. He has pastored over 20 years in the same church and is well respected by other pastors in their denomination. Kate Williams described him as “a good preacher.” She said he could be “charming and self-deprecating.”

Kate also noted that he appeals to people’s pride and sympathies. She explained to me,

“Michael and I loved being at Peace Community Church. We loved the community, the worship and a place to serve.  We were deeply hurt that we felt we could no longer stay. All at once we lost a place to worship, a church community, fellowship with people we loved. And we lost ministries that we felt God had called and gifted us to serve in.”

Why did they leave and are now telling their story?

Kate’s Story

It began several years ago when, as a member of the church, Kate was asked to help with a ministry at PCC. She spent some time speaking with each of the members individually and developed a committee to meet the needs that were expressed.

After three years of serving in the ministry, Kate was asked to head up another committee, a committee on which she enjoyed serving at a former church. This was where her heart truly was and so jumped at the opportunity. Kate felt free to move out of leadership of the first ministry as it was moving along smoothly.

After about a year, she was involved in reigniting a ministry of PCC. In the initial phase Kate called Pastor Ensome with her exciting news that there was real interest in the ministry. She was also calling to ask if they had the “church’s support to go ahead” with the ministry.

The pastor was affirming, but was “adamant that he did not want [a particular family] involved in leadership.” Kate didn’t ask why, but said, “This put me in an awkward position of having to either find someone else or do it myself. Pastor Ensome encouraged me to lead.”

It seemed that she could do no wrong. Pastor Ensome was appealing to her skills and she was encouraged. She wasn’t really seeking out ministry opportunities but rather being asked to lead ministries.

Then Something Happened

Kate and Michael were hosting an at-risk child and were struggling with feeling alone in their ministry to the child. She sought out a meeting with Pastor Ensome to share those struggles in hopes that he would share some wisdom, having had experience with special needs children. She knew her husband Michael, an elder, had a disagreement with Pastor Ensome the week before at an elders’ meeting but it did not occur to her that their disagreement could impact her meeting with the pastor.

From the very beginning of the meeting he seemed cold and disconnected from her.

She soon discovered why. Pastor Ensome went on the attack, accusing Kate of all sorts of things and defending himself:

  • He told Kate she was a judgmental person. He said, “Judgement emanates from you. You can see it in your eyes and that is why people move away from you.”
  • He stated, “You and Michael are so far off of how a church should be run.”
  • He “confided” in her that a staff pastor had told him Kate left the first ministry she served because she couldn’t get along with the women and that said something about her personality. The staff pastor confirmed later that this was not true.
  • He told Kate that John, the elder she worked closely with on a committee “had issues” with her. John, when asked the next day, said that no matter what she had been told, she had not offended him in the slightest. And, in fact, he considered her work inspiring.
  • He said, “I built this church,” and proceeded to name all the things he had done for the church.

Kate began crying and he told her “that my crying was good because now he could see my heart because most of the time I just seem to be running around checking things off a list.“

She was deeply hurt by this barage, which went on for about 20 minutes, and was baffled by the hurtful comments. She felt completely blindsided.

Michael explained, “There was no love, no gentleness, no kindness expressed. Kate says that she has never been spoken to in such a mean-spirited manner in her life.”

In a later email to the elders Pastor Ensome confessed that he had dismissed Kate and Michael and added he had done that with others before. He confessed that it was offensive to the Christ’s church.

It is still unclear why Pastor Ensome went on the attack.

The Dirty Little Secret at CCC

But soon she found she was not alone.

When talking with another volunteer the next day, the woman said,

“I’m surprised that this hasn’t happened to you earlier. You have made a lot of changes here and Pastor Ensome doesn’t like change. I know of several people the Pastor has attacked through the years.”

Later, the woman found Kate and reiterated her comments, noting that her husband had been verbally attacked by the pastor multiple times.

Two days later, Kate talked with a long-time member and the member told her Pastor Ensome’s behavior was Peace Community Church’s “dirty little secret.” She explained that the pastor attacks anyone who he perceives to be threatening his control over the church.

The member shared with Kate, “There are three groups of people related to PCC: the walking wounded, the unawares, and those who had left.” 

As light was shown on the darkness of Pastor Ensome’s leadership, more was revealed:

“I was told that ‘he would destroy me’ if I tried to push back and the best thing for us to do was for Michael to resign as an elder and for me to quit the committee and remove ourselves from any activity that involved Pastor Ensome so that he could not further harm us.”

Keep your head down. Remain under the radar. If you want to continue in any form of ministry. I don’t know how many times I have seen this played out by those who are suffering under toxic leadership in the church, organization, or business.

Unfortunately, the one left standing seems to always be the toxic one.

Changing the Narrative

There are numerous signs of toxic leadership. Though each experience has its unique flavor, there are many common factors.

One of the techniques used by toxic leaders is to “change the narrative.”

It didn’t take long for Pastor Ensome to begin changing the narrative. The pastor became self-righteous in his handling of the situation. He needed to bring Kate down to his level by suggesting she was just as culpable for the broken relationship.

“If both of you [Kate and Michael] feel that the offenses are only my fault or the church’s, I’m not sure anything can be done. Most reconciliation instruction used needs to include each party addressing their own sins (Mt. 7:5). When I have tried to reconcile with people who were unable to identify sins on their part it was not successful. I don’t think it wise to seek reconciliation in those situations. I would recommend you read Ken Sande’s work, ‘The Peacemaker.‘”

Later he wrote, “In my letter I was making the point that there is sin on both sides. But if you and Kate don’t think you have sinned, I don’t think we will be able to have a useful conversation about the conflict.” He added, “But in that case, we will need to discuss your roles in leadership at PCC.”

In other words, we are equal in our sin as we all sin. And if you don’t admit that, you will lose your leadership position.

Apparently, he has always occupied the high moral ground. It was those other people that could not admit their sin and he simply could not do anything with that, thus minimizing his own sin.

In addition, several months later in an “apology” letter of sorts, he told Kate and Michael that he did not have any negative thoughts towards Kate before the meeting in which he originally attacked her. However, in a letter to the elders he delineated the reasons why he needed to confront Kate.

He evidently had done some premeditation.

Pastor Ensome also said in a note that he was blindsided.

Who is the Offender?

Toxic leaders easily manipulate Scripture to their benefit.

Pastor Ensome leveled the playing field by pointing out the biblical concept that no one is free from sin. There are frequently sins committed by both parties in a conflict.

Though admitting that all are sinful, Pastor Ensome sidestepped his own culpability by suggesting they read Ken Sande’s book called The Peacemaker. It was a subtle shift from admitting his own sin to Kate’s supposed sin.

Ken Sande founded Peacemaker Ministries to help churches in managing conflicts. It is very helpful unless there is abusive leadership at work. Sande acknowledges this. He notes in his writing there are different ground rules for managing abusive situations.

In normal relationships, it may be helpful to own up to your own sins when confronting an offender, just as Kate did in one of the meetings. It may help the offending party humble himself and own up to his own sin.

But, the onus still falls on the offender and must be kept there in the confrontation (Matt. 18:15).

Pastor Ensome treated Kate horribly when she only came looking for help. It was his anger that built up towards Kate and Michael. It was not Kate’s sin and should not have been treated as such in managing the situation. There can be no backing down from this or the abuser will take advantage and there will be no resolution. . . in fact, generally there is no resolution when dealing with abusive leadership (or abusers in general).

Toxic leaders manipulate scripture so that they don’t have to come clean regarding their own sin.

Intimidating the Witness

Toxic Leaders spiritually intimidate.

After a meeting between Michael, the staff pastor, John (elder), and Pastor Ensome – that did not include Kate as she was “not emotionally strong enough to attend,” – another meeting was arranged with Kate.

There was still hope to salvage the relationship. Though Kate wanted to confront the pastor, she continued to work hard win his favor. She shared with me,

“It was an awkward meeting. . . I was in so much distress in encountering Pastor Ensome for the first time that I don’t clearly remember all that was said. I found it difficult to even speak. I had shared what I was planning to say with long time members and they told me that was the ‘stupidest thing I could do.’ They told us the only way to stay [at PCC] was to submit to the Pastor. So, at that meeting I basically said I was a sinner, I was open to rebuke, and that if I had done something offensive someone should have told me earlier. Pastor Ensome had already devastated me and I could not risk being destroyed by him.”

Pastor Ensome apparently was pleased by her humility and told her he didn’t mean to hurt her. He stated that his issues were with Michael.

He had effectively intimidated both Kate and other members into believing it was necessary to bow to his superior spirituality or suffer the consequences.

Continued

There is more. Kate’s story continues in Part Two (2). Part Two will be posted on Thursday, September 1.

NOTES

1 The names used in this article are fictitious, but the story is not. Pearls and Swine does not publish names, places, or identifiable information as it is our desire to keep victims of abusive leadership safe and to not distract from the lessons that can be learned from their story.

[2] Ken Sande, The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict, 3rd edition (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books, 2004), 156.

Nebuchadnezzar and [un]Humble Leadership

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Humble leadership is the best.

It doesn’t matter if you follow Christ or are an atheist.

Humble leadership works best.

Jim Collins, author of Good to Great, explained that his study of top rated corporations showed humility and an attitude of service by corporate CEOs were important components of the company’s successful productivity. What he called, the “level 5 leader” was “an individual who blends extreme personal humility with intense professional will.”[1]

Collins noted that they are generally very driven and visionary. BUT, they are also humble. That, it seems, is an unusual combination.

Collins was writing to the general business world. . . not Christian leadership. And yet, this kind of leadership is exactly what we find taught in Scripture.

Nebuchadnezzar’s Folly

Recently, I was reading in Daniel and came across this helpful passage for those who want to lead well:

All this came upon King Nebuchadnezzar. At the end of twelve months he was walking on the roof of the royal palace of Babylon, and the king answered and said, “Is not this great Babylon, which I have built by my mighty power as a royal residence and for the glory of my majesty?” While the words were still in the king’s mouth, there fell a voice from heaven, “O King Nebuchadnezzar, to you it is spoken: The kingdom has departed from you, and you shall be driven from among men, and your dwelling shall be with the beasts of the field. And you shall be made to eat grass like an ox, and seven periods of time shall pass over you, until you know that the Most High rules the kingdom of men and gives it to whom he will.” Immediately the word was fulfilled against Nebuchadnezzar.

Daniel 4:28-33

Prior to this event, the king had a dream that was interpreted by Daniel, a servant (though high-ranking) in the king’s house. Daniel did not want to share the interpretation with King Nebuchadnezzar as it was not good news and that could be dangerous for him as a servant.

Daniel warned that the King would be made to be like a beast in the field though at the time he was exceedingly powerful.

Therefore, O king, let my counsel be acceptable to you: break off your sins by practicing righteousness, and your iniquities by showing mercy to the oppressed, that there may perhaps be a lengthening of your prosperity.”

Daniel 4:27 (ESV)

Over the next year, the King apparently refused these prophetic words from Daniel. He began to see his power as his own…having come from his own hands. Maybe he saw his giftedness as a leader and became intoxicated by it. Maybe he saw that whatever he commanded to be done was done by others and became toxic in his entitlement.

So, rather than seeing all that he had as a gift, he stood arrogantly over his minions and proclaimed his power and majesty.

Believe Their Own Press

I saw this kind of transformation of missionaries in African nations where they were shown such deference by the nationals that over time they took for granted they were as great as they thought. They began more and more believing their own press. And they began “lording it over” the nationals just as Jesus warned His disciples not to do [Mark 10:42].

What I want readers to see is that these kinds of [un]humble leaders never end well. That might be hyperbole but, in my own research and experience, it has been consistent. Whether it is their ministry being stripped from them or an early death or catostrophic moral failure. It does not end well for them or their ministry.

It may take time for the arrogance and entitlement of leaders to catch up with them, but it is only a sign that the Lord is very patient and longsuffering.

We have seen multitudes of Christian, business, and political leaders fall in the past few years. Nearly every one can be described as narcissistic, arrogant, abusive, and/or criminal.

What is the solution?

Humility.

At the end of King Nebuchadnezzar’s fall from leadership he said the following:

At the end of the days I, Nebuchadnezzar, lifted my eyes to heaven, and my reason returned to me, and I blessed the Most High, and praised and honored him who lives forever…

Daniel 4:34

The king looked up. He recognized his lowly place despite likely being treated as the king of the world. He saw that the Lord is enthroned above him and rules over him and gave him all that he had.

Humility.

Humble leadership is the best.

[1] James C. Collins, Good to Great: Why Some Companies Make the Leap–and Others Don’t, 1st edition (New York: HarperBusiness, 2001), 21.

Shouts of Gladness

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When it goes well with the righteous, the city rejoices,
and when the wicked perish there are shouts of gladness.

Proverbs 11:10 (ESV)

A number of years ago I heard the story of an abusive husband who had passed away in an accident. His wife had suffered years of abuse at his hands. He was praised by his church at the funeral (as would be expected) and she suffered the continued hurt in silence.

And, a number of years ago, I heard of a Christian mission leader who passed away. The leader was abusive to both the nationals and to missionaries. Those who had suffered under his leadership continued the suffering of seeing that leader praised in social media.

In interviews with those who have suffered under abusive leadership of Christian organizations, this is so often their story. Particularly, if the leader’s abuse has not been widely known. The abuse they received at the leader’s hands is now heaped upon them by unsuspecting supporters who are more concerned for the dead than the living.

Different Kind of Sin

I have heard them share that as missionaries they would advise other missionaries when they would come to them for advice on how to respond to some ill-treatment they had received from their leaders.

They would say, “The leader is a sinner like you. . . give her some grace. It is their mission, they can do what they wish with it.“

They so often wish they could take back those comments.

First, what I have learned from Scripture is that on the contrary, they are not sinners just like us.

There is a wickedness that goes beyond the common sin of those willing to admit the sin and repent of it. When a Christian leader is lying and manipulating and harsh, and when confronted, justifying and blame-shifting, there is a deeper sin problem. When there is a pattern of abusive behavior their sin is more heinous because of the destruction they cause.

David spoke of the depth of this depravity in Psalm 55 and it can be seen in other “imprecatory” Psalms.

Second, a ministry is never in the ownership of the leader.

Ministries are, according to Scripture, to be directed and “owned” by the Lord. If a leader is abusing his authority, his is to be held accountable by the Lord, and if possible by the church.

The Lord Relieves the Oppressed

It takes a long time to heal from the treatment that employees of Christian organizations, led by abusive leaders, have faced.

The Proverb above describes how they feel. They may feel freed and joyful that the Lord has taken an abusive leader home that others may be relieved of his torment. Some subordinates of abusive leaders have been praying for years that the leader be held accountable for the horribly broken relationships he has caused. One missionary told me he was “sick of watching all the missionaries sent home in body bags.”

Desiring the fall of an abusive leader is not vindictive or hateful, as I read in one post. It is expressing love for those who are suffering under their wickedness. It is looking out for and desiring the truth to set captives of their evil free.

The leader may be a Christian who is now enjoying the presence of the Lord and has been cleansed of all his sin. Those who have served under him can look forward to seeing him, having been cleansed by the blood of Jesus Christ and rejoicing together that their hope and freedom was in Jesus, not in the works they did.

I pray for the healing of those who are rejoicing in the death of the wicked, that they would know rest in the Lord that is neither vindictive, nor bitter. May they know a rejoicing that there are those who have been freed from suffering at the hands of their wicked leader.

We Want A King: Complicity with Toxic Leadership

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I have spoken with many victims of leadership abuse. It is common that they have also faced off with other leaders in the organization who supported the leader reported as toxic.

Relationship with, the power, or charm of the leader created followers and like-minded fools. They became complicit with the abuse though maybe having the best intentions.

But their complicity is from the pit of hell and must be understood and stopped.

Like Israel, we often desire a king and are willing to overlook all the warnings of toxic leadership not unlike God’s warnings to Israel at that time (1 Samuel 8:10-18).

King David, in his Psalm 55, describes the abuser. In these hard words he is describing a supposed “friend”:

His speech was smooth as butter,
yet war was in his heart;
his words were softer than oil,
yet they were drawn swords.

Psalm 55:21 (ESV)

But, the Psalm is interesting because David continually goes between singular and plural pronouns for his oppressor(s). At one moment you believe he is speaking of one individual who is tormenting him and the next an army. But, the Psalm is all wrapped around the very personal enemy. . . who is not an enemy but a “friend.”

David’s experience is not unlike our own under toxic leadership in many cases. A leader generally has authority because he or she is granted it by the will of the organization – whether a board or other stakeholders. There are others complicit in his wickedness.

Those who grant authority to someone who oppresses, demeans, throws things, calls others horrible names, and generally acts like a spoiled child are responsible for allowing it to continue.

And it is from the pit of hell.

It matters not what great things the leader has done. If he oppresses others, he does not have the Lord’s blessing to remain in leadership.

Recently, I spoke with a victim of toxic church leadership. He spoke of a church board that, at the beginning of his experience, was simply misled by the leader. At that time they were responsive to the victim’s pleas for help.

However, in time, he described the board as becoming more and more toxic themselves. It was evident that they were being “handled” by the pastor and buying more and more into the pastor’s foolishness. These board members became heavy-handed like the pastor. They passed on his words as if God’s words. They sought to control the victim for the selfish ends of the leader.

Real Leadership

Jesus warned of toxic leadership.

But Jesus called them to him and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones exercise authority over them. It shall not be so among you. But whoever would be great among you must be your servant, and whoever would be first among you must be your slave, even as the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

Matthew 20:25-28 (ESV)

Real leaders lead as servants to their followers. That goes for churches, businesses, non-profit organizations, or political office.

Standing with Evil

Paul explained the character of true church leadership:

For an overseer, as God’s steward, must be above reproach. He must not be arrogant or quick-tempered or a drunkard or violent or greedy for gain, but hospitable, a lover of good, self-controlled, upright, holy, and disciplined.

Titus 1:7-8 (ESV)

Unfortunately, we all tend to be swayed by gifted and charming leaders. “They may not have these qualities Paul describes, but they sure get things done. . . and they are things we want done!“

We are quick to stand up at their side against their victims. We jump to the conclusion that the leader could not possibly be so wicked as to sexually harrass, lead with harshness, demean others, spiritually abuse, or seek his own greedy way.

But make no mistake. In standing and jumping we become complicit with the evil.

Paul, speaking in some of his strongest words against the Corinthians, calls them “arrogant.” He calls out the ones who are complicit by remaining aloof of a member’s sin. How much more should we refuse complicity with an abusive leader!

Arrogance

When we stand with an abusive leader we are arrogant in that we think we know better than the one who has suffered under their threats and violence. We think that in our place of favor with the leader we understand them better than the victim.

When a report of toxic leadership is made, the response should be one of listening and understanding. Otherwise, the hearer will face the consquences of his complicity. He is returning evil for the good of bringing to light the darkness of sin:

If anyone returns evil for good,
evil will not depart from his house.

Proverbs 17:13 (ESV)

Woe to those who would fail to interpret the events in a true light:

Woe to those who call evil good
and good evil,
who put darkness for light
and light for darkness,
who put bitter for sweet
and sweet for bitter!

Isaiah 5:20 (ESV)

Do the Hard Work: Investigate

Many will cry foul as they hold forth the rare exception of false reports. But false reports can be found out when investigated. Unfortunately, many do not take the time to investigate but immediately disbelieve reports against their beloved leader.

We all need to be humble enough to set aside our biases and easily affected attitudes towards our leaders and hear reports with a desire to know the truth.

For, indeed, it is the truth that will set victims free from oppression.

Let us be found to stand on God’s side. Not complicit with toxic leadership.

Bring Back the Sheep: Leading the Body of Christ in Post-Covid?

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How do church leaders deal with members who have not returned since the Covid lockdowns?

I have heard various responses over the past few months. As churches opened up more and more over the past year, there was the hope that the people would return in droves. Rather, as feared by some, many have remained aloof from the church.

A common suggestion is that leaders “remind members of their vows” when they came into membership. After all, members have promised to serve the church and submit to the elders.

But this response strikes me as a bit cold.

In part, because I have watched with great disappointment as the church did all it could to tear itself apart during these two to five horribly polarizing years. Where the church should have raised up to help those who were being devastated by both the pandemic and the economic results of the shutdown, instead it was going to battle with governments (local and federal) and with one another.

The church seemed to become more concerned about its own belly button than for its mission to God’s world. It became all the more “musk ox,” as Dick Keyes describes in “Chameleon Christianity,” than a missional body seeking to bring hope and healing to the lost.

So, as members of Christ’s family have become disheartened by the actions and hurtful words of God’s people, I have stopped short of blaming them for their reticense to come back into worship services. Though I believe Scripture teaches that the church is God’s design and He is ever building it in His ways and according to His desires, I also empathize with these folks.

I believe that we need to listen to these people and seek to understand their difficulties. Then we can determine if we can love one another in better ways in order that they may want to hold to their vows.

We need to remember that a church member’s vows were to the church that Jesus has built under leaders that are following Him. . . not the leaders’ political party or other man-made rules. [Believe it or not, Scripture does not teach on our political party registration]. It seems that when all else fails for leaders to retain power and authority, they require submission to them as their fall-back position.

Look to Jesus

Rather, we should look to Jesus, the Shepherd of our souls, for the kind of leadership He demands of His elders and pastors.

And they came to Capernaum. And when he was in the house he asked them, “What were you discussing on the way?” 34 But they kept silent, for on the way they had argued with one another about who was the greatest. 35 And he sat down and called the twelve. And he said to them, “If anyone would be first, he must be last of all and servant of all.” 36 And he took a child and put him in the midst of them, and taking him in his arms, he said to them, 37 “Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me, and whoever receives me, receives not me but him who sent me.”

Mark 9:33-37 (ESV)

Jesus used receiving a child as an example for their leadership model.

What does that say to church leaders? At the very least, it suggests humility. Particularly, in the New Testament society, children were the humblest of all. They had NO authority. Who would listen (or receive) a child as important?

Rather than playing the authority trump card (no pun intended), consider asking these questions of those who are struggling to re-engage with the church:

  • Are there ways the church leaders, or members of the church, have made it difficult for you to return?
  • Are there ways the church leaders have failed to be Christ-like in their leadership?
  • Are there ways we have added to Scripture or subtracted such that you do not trust our leadership?
  • How can we serve you as shepherds?

Don’t Stop

But, you must not stop there.

Many leaders will ask these questions and then show their toxic leadership by then telling members what’s what. The leaders will defend and justify themselves and their congregations rather than humbly respond in empathy (even when the member is wrong). . . hearing the hearts of their sheep and recognizing that they have their reasons for being hurt.

Leaders who desire to be Christ-like in their leadership must humbly consider their own failings and seek to restore through humility those who are wandering in the wilderness.

Nearly every individual I know, who is failing to return to church at this time, has good reasons. Those reasons are because they feel beat up after every service by well-meaning, but Pharisaical leaders. . . leaders who have added to Scripture their own ethical and political standards.

Leaders, turn your eyes upon Jesus and turn away from holding your authority tightly. Seek to be last rather than first. Serve, rather than be served. Defend the sheep rather than self.

Small Group Communion: Why Would a Pastor Crush a Beautiful Thing?

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by Ginny Barker

For a while we had something beautiful. 

Every single week a small group of us from church met together. We alternated weeks being out somewhere, such as trivia night at a brewery, with meeting for dinner in someone’s home. Yes, we might have spiritual discussions and yes, we did frequently share concerns and needs for prayer and, yes, we did often pray together, but the focus was on our relationships. Intentional community, it was called. 

This group of people became my lifeline, my family of sorts, my refuge during some terribly hard years. I lived for Tuesday evenings when I knew I could show up and be me in whatever mess I was in. And they knew I was there for them. Always. And outside of Tuesdays we still got together for hiking and game nights and such. Life together. It was the closest thing I had ever experienced up to that point to what I think true fellowship looks like. 

A new pastor came along and changed things up. He brought an agenda. Each week became a specific Bible study with questions and answers and asking one another spiritual questions about sin and repentance. The tone changed. The atmosphere changed. The streams of living water dried up and I was faced with a desert of spiritual expectations and forced piety. When we questioned the changes the leader of the group asked, “But don’t you love the Word?” The pastor blasted us in a sermon, proclaiming we were to “say no to casualness of faith…just hanging out and doing things together because it makes us feel good.” He told my husband that the change was not up for discussion. Drop it.

And like that, just like that, what had been so very beautfiful to me was gone. This all happened amid a growing concern over other serious issues and I quit attending church. And then we left the church altogether. Another story for another time.

I was left to grieve and grieve deeply what I had lost. And yet there was a hefty heap of shame on top of it all. Why was the transition from hanging out and loving one another to a structured spiritual time together so hard for me? Did I “love the Word?” Or didn’t I? 

I had always longed for a sense of community and felt oh, so bad for wanting it. In church cultures where deep dives into theology or telling “the lost” about Jesus were the true marks of a heart after God, my hunger for connection was seen as avoiding the hard truth that Jesus should be all I need. 

Why was the loss of this little community so devastating to me? When reading Krispin Mayfield’s book, Attached to God, I found my answer. 

And rather than try to cut and paste bits and pieces, I’m going to share most of the entire section:

Therapist Francis Broucek worked with many clients in families where the mode of relationship was to meet a parent’s strict standard. This created a sense of self that put value in the person’s performance. He found that in the most important relationships, where “a connection should be, there is only the experience of being evaluated or evaluating oneself.” It doesn’t always have to be negative judgment, but that every interaction was based on how the child was peforming, how they were doing, rather than the parent coming close for closeness’ sake. For these clients, the relationship was all assessment, absent of true connection. 

For many of us, this mirrors the spiritual tradition we’ve been given. Most facets of religious life have been about determining whether you are following God in the right ways. How close are you? What are you supposed to be doing next? Are you growing–or backsliding? What is God trying to teach you right now?

,,,Broucek found that this same prompting between parents and children created shame. It’s not surprising since in the absense of connection. we begin to conclude that the disconnect is because there is something repulsive about us. The more we continue to focus on our performance and progress, the more we feel shame. When we believe that shame is due to sin, then we try to get it right–or confess our way out of shame. But if we’re going to heal from shame, we need relationships that go beyond evaluation. 

As Broucek reflected on our need for a connection that creates sanctuary in a world of evaluation, he thought about the importance of interactions that aren’t rooted in evaluation, assessment, standards, or measuring up. Searching for a word to describe a relationship that is nonevaluative, he decided simply to call this kind of connection “communion.” 

Krispin Mayfield, “Attached to God”

Communion. That is what I had. That is what I lost when the template of spiritual performance and evaluation was slammed down on a precious group of people. 

Mayfield had started this section of the book by saying that in order to understand our belovedness, we need to experience it. We need to be able to connect with God and with people minus the constant state of evaluation and performance. 

Some of my friends and I have a regular conversation that goes something like this: “Why are friendships with church people so much harder and more awkward?” I think this explains so much. We have been somehow convinced that our own connection to God is dependent on our performance and part of our performance is policing the performance of those around us. Thus we admonish and exhort and chide, we goad and sharpen, we lob scripture bombs, and often suffocate with the silence of disapproval. But we don’t listen. We don’t treat one another with respect. We don’t necessarily treat one another as beloved. We don’t believe that connecting for the sake of connecting is beautiful in and of itself.  

(True admonishment and exhortation, when necessary, should only come in the context of strong connection and community. Otherwise it does way more damage that good.)

Why was I so grief-stricken? I had lost communion. I had lost communion in the name of God. 

I know my processing of this has been long and rambling but it now makes so much sense to me. Reading this short passage in a very excellent book (I highly recommend reading it) proved to be lightbulb moment in my understanding of my hunger for connection, community, communion. It helped me understand my grief and why that loss was so very profound. And it helps me know what I, what we all, really need. 

All Abuse Ravages Victims: My Eye is Wasted from Grief

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https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/kelly-dehnert/episodes/All-Abuse-Ravages-Victims-How-Does-Emotional-Abuse-Devastate-e2988d3

It all comes together.

Abuse. Devastates. People.

Not just the abuse that involves hitting. But abuse in all its forms – physical, emotional, and spiritual.

I will rejoice and be glad in your steadfast love,
because you have seen my affliction;
you have known the distress of my soul,
8 and you have not delivered me into the hand of the enemy;
you have set my feet in a broad place.
9 Be gracious to me, O LORD, for I am in distress;
my eye is wasted from grief;
my soul and my body also.
10 For my life is spent with sorrow,
and my years with sighing;
my strength fails because of my iniquity,
and my bones waste away.

Psalm 31:7-10 (ESV)

David suffered from his own sin (vs. 10) and the sin of others as well (vss. 7-8). I want to focus on the sin of others as David presents it and the affects on him as God’s child.

David was a man of war. He had many enemies.

But, he wrote that it wasn’t just enemies who lived across geographical boundaries that sought to kill him. There were those who sought his destruction through emotional violence (their words) as noted in Psalm 55.

His speech was smooth as butter,
yet war was in his heart;
his words were softer than oil,
yet they were drawn swords.

Psalm 55:21 (ESV)

These were enemies who he considered at one time to be his friends. And their abusive words deeply wounded David.

The Affects of Abuse

Those who seek to downplay the affects of emotional or spiritual abuse as opposed to those of physical abuse fail to understand the full witness of Scripture. They minimize what the Bible does not minimize. It is evident in Scripture that the wounds caused by all types of abuse are injurious to the person spiritually, emotionally, and physically.

Those who have been emotionally abused can almost always point to physical affects in their lives. It is customary to discover physical ailments in those who have been psychologically abused by bosses at work and husbands or wives in the home. It is the norm, not the exception.

In fact, David makes it clear that the wounds of emotional and spiritual abuse deeply impact the physical well-being of man and so are physically ruinous. It is our failed Western thinking, not the Bible, that has created a dichotomy between the spiritual and physical. This dichotomy has made for war between the Bible and psychology (and neurological sciences) in many cases.

“Bullying [abuse] has shown effects on the victims’ mental and physical health, resulting in concentration problem, headache, sleep disturbance, and altered eating habits and timings.”

Mariam Ciby and R.P. Raya, “Exploring Victims’ Experiences of Workplace Bullying: A Grounded Theory Approach,” Vikalpa: The Journal of Decision Makers 39, no. 2 (June 2014): 75.

Interesting, it seems like I read that in the Psalms (Ps. 102).

I interviewed a young woman several years ago who suffered under a toxic pastor/boss. She worked in the women’s ministry for the church for several years. She described her experience this way:

“I was under so much stress that I was having migraines every two out of three days and throwing up in the middle of staff meetings. I developed an autoimmune condition and insomnia. I ended up in counseling for depression. Now that I am in my new position, I find it very hard to connect emotionally with anyone at church. My new boss is a good, godly man, but because of my last experience, I am still walking on eggshells. I am afraid to make a decision about almost anything, personal or professional. I still struggle with depression and insomnia and I have nightmares about my old boss several times a month.”

Jackie

There was no physical abuse involved in Jackie’s experience. But she was beat up by a toxic leader and suffered physical ailments from his emotional abuse.

Making Much of Emotional Abuse

I often hear individuals, either in person or on blogs, complain about making much of emotional abuse. Generally these folks either lack empathy or are suspicious of empathy as some kind of soft-headedness that is inappropriate for Christians.

But “love your neighbor as yourself” means ethically that you seek to treat others as you wish to be treated. Turning this around, you have a feeling of what others must feel and do not want it for yourself.

“According to the Oxford English Dictionary the word empathy was first employed in 1922, when a need arose to translate a German word in the field of aesthetics (einfurlang, ‘to feel in’). The original intent of the word empathy was to convey how projecting oneself into a work of art (painting, sculpture, theater) would enable a viewer to appreciate better the creation being observed…Empathy, ‘to feel in,’ therefore, was intended to be an advance over old-fashioned concepts such as sympathy or compassion, which mean only ‘to feel or to suffer with.’”

Friedman, Edwin H. (2007-02-01). A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix (Kindle Locations 2501-2503). Church Publishing Inc.. Kindle Edition.

Friedman was not particularly fond of being empathetic. He encouraged a certain stand-offishness to those who suffered so that you might remain rational and unaffected, making decisions devoid of emotions. [see Self-Differentiation: Standing with Wisdom]

However, the Word does not give us that pass.

Team Minimizer

What do David’s words mean—his “body” and “soul” “waste away?” It is important for us as Christians to understand the effects of abuse psychologically because the study involved in this discipline has helped us understand these words. It is the study of the brain (that is relatively new) that has brought it to light. If we have empathy we can grapple with the suffering that abuse of all types causes its victims and respond effectively.

Victims are impacted in every part of their person by all forms of abuse. Emotional, spiritual, physical – all types of abuse traumatize the whole person. Emotional and spiritual abuse change the brain’s functioning. And it is not supposed to be that way. It is contrary to how we were made (Gen. 1 and 2).

If you have been part of the team “Minimizer,” please reconsider your playbook. Consider how you want to be treated, and work for the protection of those who are being treated that way.



The Self-Control of the Mean

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In James’ first chapter of his epistle to the “twelve tribes of the dispersion,” he takes abusive people to task. Maybe you have never noticed this before. Often, a passage in scripture comes alive once you experience something of it.

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger… 

James 1:19

We can all relate to these verses as we go about our selfish days. We can often be very quick to speak and quite speedy at becoming angry. Some of us really love to hear ourselves talk rather than hear others and their ideas and struggles.

Abusive leaders are often described as failing at verse 19. However, a strange thing about abusers is that rarely are they “out of control.” We may think that they are quick to become angry. Outwardly this is how it appears as they assault their victims. They seem out of control of their emotions.

However, abusive people are often exceedingly good at controlling their anger and words. It is because of that self-control that those who are not the targets of their violent speech are often surprised by accusations that so-and-so is abusive. These bystanders have only observed the abuser’s self-control and even kindness. “He isn’t abusive. He is one of the nicest guys I know!”

For a number of years, the abusive leaders of our organization held their tongues and were very kind to my family. We enjoyed vacations and special dinners with them and their public praise. However, others shared their horror stories of deceit, harshness, and authoritarian leadership experiences with us.

We would, in quiet and calming tones, pass on our wisdom: “The leaders are sinners just like us and will say mean things. Just give them grace.” We figured the treatment these victims received was due to their poor relational skills.

Then the leaders’ tongues were turned on us. Lies. Angry outbursts. Authoritarian orders out of the blue.

Suddenly, we understood what others had been saying for years.

Unhelpful Bystanders

This is the difficulty. Those who can stand up and support others suffering abusive leadership in the home or workplace do not have a clue because the abuser controls themselves with those with whom they need to control themselves.

In corporations or organizations abusive mid-managers will suck up to their bosses while making life nearly hell for their subordinates. Because, they know how to control their anger and tongues. These abusive individuals need to put on a good face for those upline in management. Then they can turn their withering tongues on those under them.

As a friend and I were discussing lately, this is why many make the climb up the ladder of organizations that are supposed to be “imaging” Jesus’ life. The church just shakes its head at the Mark Driscolls, Jerry Falwell Jrs., and Bill Heibels of this world. “How did they get so far up the ladder?”

Because they knew when to blow and when to be kind. They knew when to dismember and when to charm.

When that charming, well-spoken, talented leader is accused of abusive tactics with his subordinates, don’t be surprised. Hear the stories and do what you can to bring accountability.

Psalm 59: Jealousy & Toxic Leadership

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David wrote Psalm 59 when he was only a middle-manager.

He had been hired as King Saul’s go-to-guy for making him feel better when overwhelmed with a “harmful spirit.” [1 Sam. 16:14-23] David was called in to minister to Saul with his great musical talent to calm Saul. Then David showed his trust in the Lord, his courage, and his skill as a warrior by defeating Goliath not long after.

It was meteoric rise to middle-management for David as both Saul’s comforter and Saul’s commander of the army.

But, Saul had his own sin to deal with and it became clear that he did not deal with it well.

Jealousy, rage, anger and all common toxic leadership traits are displayed in the following chapters of 1st Samuel as the transfer of power from man’s choice of leader/king (Saul) and God’s choice of leader/king (David) is played out.

Psalm 59 begins with an explanation of when David wrote the song:

To the choirmaster: according to Do Not Destroy. A Miktam of David, when Saul sent men to watch his house in order to kill him.

Pride and jealousy. It is extraordinary what these sins can do to a leader.

1st Samuel describes in chapter 19 that David went out to war with the Philistines, doing what he was called to do, and “struck them with a great blow.” However, it goes on to say that a “harmful spirit” came on Saul while sitting around. Saul took up a spear when David returned from war and was using his great talent of music-making in Saul’s house to calm him.

Saul tried to kill David with the spear but David escaped.

A man may respond in his wickedness the way Saul did in a normal relationship by trying to bring another man down due to his jealousy. However, the power that the king wielded provides both the ability and seeming motivation for destroying his competition.

Saul, as king, at least believed and actually did have the power to destroy a man in his employ. Just as many leaders in the church or Christian organization think they have the right and power to rid themselves of those they see as competitors.

The Christianity Today podcasts on Mark Driscoll and Mars Hill have made it abundantly clear that Saul is alive and well among ministry leaders today.

Listen Here

The basis of Psalm 59 is David simply doing what he was called to do – go and fight with the Philistines and bring deliverance to Israel from their oppressors to which God had called them. Yet, the very one (Saul) who asks him to do this is overwhelmed with evil desires.

How often does this happen to leaders? It takes great commitment and self-awareness to battle these temptations. 

The temptation comes when a person gains some form of power over another person and allows it to go to his head. The temptation to crush someone of whom you are jealous is always great in this broken world of sin. But when that temptation is combined with the power to actually do some crushing, it often gives birth to further sin and chaos.

Unless we fight the temptation by the power of the Holy Spirit – the only One more powerful than our sinful passions.

But Saul didn’t fight it. Saul tried to kill David with his spear multiple times in his power-drunken state.

1st Samuel 18 then tells us Saul goes after David using subordinates who willingly spy on David’s house. This behavior is typical for abusive leadership of any sort – the gathering of comrades to help with the dirty work. Though we can have some grace for subordinates who are willing to do the bidding of wicked leaders, they are yet responsible before God for their like oppressive behavior.

The writer tells us that Saul’s intentions are to kill David in the morning. Thus, Psalm 59 is written.

Many of us have had this Psalm to write. Being under a leader that fails to curb his appetite for power and then the temptation to wield it against those who perform well in their employ can be dicey.

And deeply traumatizing. The affects of toxic leadership are well documented and experienced by many with whom I have spoken. David, later in the Psalm, describes the words of abusers as “swords in their lips.” [Ps. 59:7] Their words cut and kill. There are real affects to abusive leadership on the psyche and physical health of employees.

It is up to boards and governing authorities to take their oversight responsibly to get rid of toxic leaders. The toxic leader’s gifts and talents will never make up for the hurt and destruction they cause in their jealousy and authoritarian attitudes.