Among those who have been abused there is a constant friction between the belief that God calls us to forgive our enemies and God’s desire for justice to reign.
How are these two seemingly contradictory and mutually exclusive attitudes to be reconciled?
In a recent interview of a pastoral leadership abuse survivor, my interviewee said he realized that forgiveness was not an option but necessary in his walk with the Lord. But understanding how it can take place in the midst of such hurt was difficult for him.
When we returned from the mission field, having been beaten up by the leadership of our mission, we struggled with this question. We desired to follow the Lord in his leading; to not be like the master’s servant who had been forgiven much and yet sent his own servant packing to jail [Matthew 18:21-35].
But it was difficult to make theological or emotional sense of justice and forgiveness.
A Cry for Justice
Shelley Hundley, the author of “A Cry for Justice: Overcome Anger, Reject Bitterness, and Trust in Jesus Who Will Fight For You,” does a marvelous job explaining how we can move from anger and bitterness to forgiveness without forgetting justice.[1]
How is it possible to seek justice for these horrible wrongs committed and forgive?
This blog is in part dedicated to holding abusive leaders accountable [justice] for their actions, a mark of the true church.[2] Biblically, justice is clearly an important attribute of God’s character and a legitimate desire of man having been made in his image.
Yet, the grace found in forgiveness is also characteristic of our Creator who sent his Son to die on the cross for the forgiveness of our sins and who commands that we go and do likewise.
Finding Forgiveness in Justice
Hundley, who suffered sexual mollestation as a child of missionary parents in Columbia by a pastor, explains that she found forgiveness in God’s justice.
The work of Dr. Robert Burns has been helpful to me for several years in understanding a two-fold approach to forgiveness [see this blog].[3] Hundley adds some helpful perspective.
Often we think forgiveness is sweeping the wrongs we have suffered under the rug. Forgive and forget, just as Psalm 103 seems to say:
For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us.
Psalm 103:11-12 (ESV)
However, Hundley points out that it is in the justice of God that forgiveness can truly be offered to our offenders. She explains,
“As believers, we are no longer objects of God’s wrath, but we are objects of His jealous love.” [page 110]
That “jealous love” of Jesus Christ works out in protecting His “bride,” the church. As His bride, I am taken under his care and he will go to the end of the heavens to protect me from evil…in fact, ultimately he died for my protection.
Hundley notes that others tried to encourage her by saying things like there would be “light at the end of the tunnel because ‘things would get better.'” She added, “In the darkest moments of my journey, pats on the back and teary-eyed sympathy brought little consolation.”
God is Judge
What did bring healing for her was the recognition that Jesus was Judge! And as her “groom,” He would stand by her in the injustice of her suffering.
She points to Romans 12:
If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”
Romans 12:18-19 (ESV)
She says that knowing God as Judge gives us a totally different perspective.
It enables us to leave room for God to right the wrongs and to trust that our heavenly Judge will make sure we have what we need. [page 153]
But as Christians we are not sitting there, licking our lips, waiting for the gavel to fall on the heads of our tormentors. Rather, we can know and trust that there are three possible judgements God brings on our oppressors and he knows which is best:
ultimate judgment,
forgiveness through his judgment of the oppressor’s sin on Jesus’ cross,
or temporal judgment.
Ultimate judgment is hell. And as Hundley notes, when you recognize the wrath of God on those who reject him, it may be difficult to pray for this kind of judgment even on your worse enemies.
On the other hand, God may forgive him, choosing to save the oppressor from his sin and radically change him. It is for sinners that Jesus died that they may be forgiven.
And finally, temporal judgment may be that the oppressor actually knows the Lord and God determines to take him out of this life so that he will no longer oppress others.
Unlocking the Chains
Dr. Edith Eva Eger, the writer of “The Choice: Embrace the Possible,” was a teenager when her family was imprisoned at Auschwitz. She now speaks on PTSD for “military resiliency training.” [4]
In her book, she discusses her own struggle with forgiveness. She said,
“It is easy to make a prison out of our pain, out of the past. At best revenge is useless…at worst, revenge perpetuates the cycle of hate.” [page 176]
She goes on to say that she forgave Hitler not for him, but for herself. Eger says that the chains she had kept him in encircled her own life. It kept her locked in her grief. She needed to forgive.
She defines forgiveness:
“To forgive is to grieve for what happened, for what didn’t happen, and to give up the need for a different past. To accept life as it was and as it is.” [page 176]
Though not a Christian, Eger recognizes the power and importance of forgiveness. As Christians we can read her words and recognize a call to give up living to meet out justice on our oppressors. Rather, as Christians, we have a loving Groom who is powerful enough and wise enough to wrap his everlasting arms around us and provide justice in his time and way.
Rest in those arms.
NOTES:
1 Shelley, Hundley. A Cry for Justice: Overcome Anger, Reject Bitterness, and Trust in Jesus Who Will Fight For You. Charisma House, 2011.
I remember seeing pictures in a news magazine of high school students holding up a banner that read something like, “Josh, we forgive you.” Josh (a fictitious name) was the murderer of several of their classmates in a school shooting many years ago.
The question the article asked was whether it was appropriate for the students to forgive Josh for his horrendous evil. Josh had never sought their forgiveness. Nor were they the actual victims of his violence.
Dr. Robert Burns and Michael Brissett, in a helpful book called, “The Adult Child of Divorce,” discuss forgiveness from a very practical and biblical perspective.
The authors begin their section on forgiveness with the statement:
Some encourage the offended to absorb their pain and release the offender. Others urge those who hurt to simply turn to God and confess it. Then, they are assured, God will resolve the pain, and everything will be fine. A third approach is to tell those unable to forgive to examine their own lives. They should see what mistakes they have made – even if the mistake is carrying pain toward those who harmed them – and seek forgiveness from the ones they can’t seem to forgive.
You have likely heard these responses.
One of the greatest struggles for Christians beat up by toxic leaders is how to fulfill God’s calling to forgive those who have hurt them. Frequently, they ask questions about what it means to forgive and whether they should even forgive the horrendous evil they have experienced.
Generally, there is no shortage of well-meaning Christian brothers and sisters who will come their aid in providing answers. “Of course, you must forgive them. The Bible tells you so!”
But take a look, as Burns and Brissett do in their book, at the passage on forgiveness in Ephesians:
Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
[Ephesians 4:32]
We are called to forgive one another….as God in Christ forgave you. It is that last clause that is often overlooked or not completely understood.
How did Jesus Christ forgive you?
The Legal Side of Forgiveness
The authors talk about “two sides of forgiveness.” As they note,
“If I break the law, that law says I must legally pay a penalty…We haven’t lived perfect lives. Because God is holy and perfect, He will legally accept only perfect people, and because we have broken His law, a penalty must be paid before he can accept us.”
Fortunately, for God’s created world and sinful man, Jesus Christ died on the cross to take the penalty for those sins. He provided the legal means of taking care of the judgment that was due to us, providing forgiveness from the perfect Judge, Almighty God.
He holds out that offer of forgiveness to all who have sinned…that happens to be everyone conceived in this world.
However, as those who know scripture realize, not everyone is forgiven. There is another side to the coin of forgiveness as the authors put it.
The Relational Side of Forgiveness
Peter preached to the household of Cornelius saying,
“To [Jesus] all the prophets bear witness that everyone who believes in him receives forgiveness of sins through his name.”
[Acts 10:43 (ESV)]
The sins of those who believein the work of Jesus Christ on the cross are forgiven. The sins of those who reject him are not.
Those who recognize they are “sinners,” in need of Jesus’ saving work and who camp at Jesus’ doorstep to seek his forgiveness are forgiven. Those who do not consider their failures worthy of judgment are not forgiven.
To come into “relationship” with Jesus we need forgiveness. He has offered it to all, but only those who receive that offer will be forgiven and be in relationship with the Lord.
How Does that Work Between People?
So, when do we forgive others according to Paul in Ephesians 4:32?
When our offender seeks forgiveness. When they recognize their sin against you and come to you asking for your forgiveness, you are to forgive them. In fact, Jesus said they should to be forgiven over and over should they ask. [Matthew 18:21-22]
This is what is taught in Luke 17:3-4. Jesus tells his disciples, if he repents, forgive him. “If he repents.”
This is the “relational” side of forgiveness of which Burns and Brissett speak.
So, when they “recognize [their] own failure” and acknowledge it to your face, you freely forgive just as Christ forgave you.
Forgiving the Toxic One
It just so happens that you find a rare abuser (in the workplace or the home) that will recognize their sin, acknowledge it, and accept their responsibility. They rarely darken your door humbly seeking forgiveness.
In fact, the defining characteristic of being an “abuser” is the complete lack of humility to admit wrong. [see blog]
Though there may not be relational forgiveness between you and your tormentor, bringing reconciliation, there is still a need to forgive him (or her) nonetheless.
The authors point to Matthew 5:21-22 where Jesus teaches that when a brother harbors anger against another brother, he is a “murderer.”
It is important to note that there is a righteous anger that is taught in scripture [see blog], but where there is bitterness and seeking of revenge, we need to take a close look at our motives.
We need to have an attitude of forgiveness (legal) though there may never come a time when our abuser seeks our forgiveness (relational). We need to live in this “legal side of forgiveness” by making it available to our antagonist should he humble himself.
Releasing Them
“Legally” forgiving those who sin against us does not necessarily release them from accountability however. It is still appropriate to seek legal, organizational, or corporate justice for the toxic individual.
But we need to recognize that Jesus’ forgiveness is ultimately the forgiveness he needs and we need to “release” him into the Lord’s hands that he may one day seek our and God’s forgiveness for their evil.
As the victims of our abuser’s violence, we can be like the servant in Jesus’ parable. The “wicked servant” received forgiveness from his master for all he owed him (which was boatloads of cash) and turned around to require the small debt from those who owed him. [Matthew 18:23-35]
Or, as Jesus teaches, we can pass on the forgiveness we received from our master to our abuser.
However, until he recognizes his own failure, acknowledges it before God and you, and accept God’s solution for the problem, there will not be relational forgiveness and no reconciliation, between he and God or with you.
Nor does God expect there to be.
You need not feel guilt about his. You need not think you ought to have done more. You need not say, “Everything is alright . . . I am over it.” It is okay to grieve the loss of that relationship and your brother’s failure.
