How do we seek accountability for evil leaders and remain bitter-free?
While serving in another country as missionaries, my family became quite delighted with a drink called a “Chapman.” It was made of Sobo orange drink, bitters, and 7Up.
We enjoyed sipping on them like Southerners sip their sweet tea.
Bitters, for those who do not know, is an alcohol that is used in very small portions in mixed drinks. It is as its name implies, quite bitter. The Chapman was a very sweet drink due to the other ingredients. The bitterness of Bitters was mostly masked by those other ingredients, but gave the drink just the right punch.
Bitterness is described in scripture as…well, bitter. In dictionaries, “bitter” is synonymous with “anger, hurt, and resentfulness.” Not a good thing. I have never heard anyone argue that bitterness is a virtue. Only that it should be mortified (killed) as fast as possible.
Crying Foul
So, when someone is called to account for his abusive behavior, Christians will sometimes cry foul. Clearly, the accuser must be overcome by “bitterness” to bring accusations against another Christian. To bring accountability is often seen as “ungracious” or “mean-spirited” by well-meaning brothers in Christ.
When we returned from the cross-cultural mission field, we took steps to bring accountability to the abusive leaders of our organization. Those steps were minimal – a letter signed by forty missionaries sent to the board and we told our story to mission committees determining whether to support the organization or not when they contacted us.
I have no doubt there was bitterness in my heart at that time and which continues to be present even now as I write five years later. The bitterness has certainly diminished and it is more like a drop of bitters in the Chapman. But, I am sure in those dark recesses of my heart, I continue to harbor anger at the treatment we and others received from our abusive leaders.
Overriding
However, the overriding motivation for seeking accountability in 2013 was what I believed to be righteous anger and a desire to stand for the oppressed, as God would have us do.
I say, “overriding” because present in the motivations of my heart were at least two impulses: one evil and one good. Justice and self-centeredness.
It took much soul-searching, prayer, and discussion to come to the decision to seek accountability. In fact, as I have watched and studied abuse, I have discovered it is commonly an agonizingly slow process for targets of any kind of abuse to take these kinds of steps…as has been evidenced by the #MeToo movement.
In particular, Christians who have a underlying discomfort with vengeance, hesitate to speak out for fear they are driven by bitterness. They want to have pure motive and when they find an inkling of bitterness hidden in their hearts, they become immobilized.
Mixed Motives
Understanding our creation and the depth of our depravity will help us humbly recognize that we are never completely free in this life from at least two driving forces. Sin and goodness will be with us until Jesus cleans us up when he comes again in clouds of glory.
We are both fallen and redeemed. Both broken and made in the image of God. Both directed by the Holy Spirit into holiness and led astray by sin that crouches at our door.
We will always have mixed motives until glory.
As a warning, Asaph the psalmist calls out our sin of bitterness and the results of it:
When my soul was embittered, when I was pricked in heart, I was brutish and ignorant; I was like a beast toward you.
Psalm 73:21-22 (ESV)
Bitterness creates “brutishness.” I love that word…but, I do not like its effects. Who wants to be a beast and face the relational consequences?
Say It Loud
But, having said it out loud, admitting the presence of a beast in our hearts, it is then time to get down to justice and accountability for the good of God’s people and witness of the church. As you determine whether to speak out against oppressive leadership, remember that calling evil to account is the God-given task of every Christian. It is high on God’s list of Christian responses to sin.
And, while you are at it, work on your heart.
Anger and bitterness should drive you to godly action – calling to account wrongs done that are deeply destructive. Notice the words, “deeply destructive.” Others will sin against us as we sin against others. We are called to overlook sin, recognizing the grace God has given to us in Christ (Luke 36:37-38).
But, there are those who are destroying others…they need to be confronted despite your mixed motives. Your impurity of motives does not liberate you from standing for the oppressed.
Bitters was a necessary ingredient in a Chapman, but it was not the only one. The other ingredients were the overriding tastes and made it pleasurable.
Embrace bitterness in so far as it drives you to act for justice. But, just as quickly mortify it before it makes you a beast and allow the flavor of justice and grace to overwhelm your heart.
How do you survive the wilderness of the workplace? When you love your job and your boss makes it his job to support your creative energies, it is easy.
But, when the boss is like a wild grizzly seeking whom he may devour…that is a problem. It is no less difficult as a Christian to navigate these difficult forests. But, the Toxic Boss Survival Guide has many helpful ideas for how you may move forward.
This is the last of a three-part series discussing the authors’ ideas. [Blog 1, Blog 2]
The Action
“It might seem to you that you don’t have a lot of options available to you – which is one of the things that makes working for a toxic boss so miserable. The reality is that you do have options…”
The authors of “The Toxic Boss Survival Guide” look to the Air Force SERE approach to survival.
Survive!
This starting place may seem obvious, but the book provides some specifics on how this works. You must know that it is likely a short-term solution and you will need to determine if it is right for your particular nasty boss context.
Seek support from peers: It is once again, important to have people to talk to about the abuse you are facing in the workplace. Be careful with whom you are sharing the trials however.
If you share with friends and family, the boss can take over your friendships and family interactions. If you share with your coworkers, your notes, emails, or conversations may end up being overheard by the boss and make it worse. You must also be careful of gossip…though I would suggest in the context, this is not gossip [more later in a another blog].
Focus on thework: There are those who are in such a toxic environment, where nearly all relationships experienced at work are deeply affected by the noxious conditions, that a focus on the work is all in which an employee can find joy. Your rewards must be found in your own production and development.
Hunker down and weather it:This short-term solution depends on the probability (or possibility) that the employee will outlast the abuser. To accomplish this approach, you may need to do what one subject in the authors’ study did: develop an imaginary shield that would deflect the toxic behavior of the boss.
Stay honest with yourself:Often the subjects in the study started with hunkering down, but ended up here. Do not compromise your Christian commitment to truth and justice. The authors speak of this as “values.” Taking the high road will make it possible for you to live with yourself [see article]. You do not want to become toxic yourself.
Pray, meditate, practice yoga:Though I am not big on yoga, focusing on the goodness of God, looking to His promises, and meditating on them will go a long way in keeping sanity your primary feature. It is this particular practice that will do the most in establishing your Positive Mental Attitude.
Focus on your own career:This has a longer-range focus than focusing on your work. Though decisions made with this mindset can sometimes create a manipulative approach to work and be toxic in itself, in the context of a toxic workplace, it may be important to consider the work you do with strategic foresight.
This can also help you come to the place of peace knowing you have other work possibilities and gifts that can be used more effectively somewhere else.
Adapt to it:“Feed the ego. Give up some control on simple tasks.” The authors do not recommend going “over to the dark side,” but adapting to the toxic boss’ needs. This is truly a last resort and may be difficult to accomplish. Keeping your values and feeding him may be at odds.
Evade:
Just as the term implies, the employee chooses to stay in the organization, but face the boss as little as possible. Again, the authors have various ideas for doing so.
Lie low: Keeping your head down is the oldest trick in the book. This is different than “hunkering down” as you are looking for ways to be out of contact, so simply bearing with the circumstances.
Ignore it:Do not take their bate. As often as possible, ignore their destruction and move on.
Work from home:Some organizations may allow you to work from the comfort of your living room recliner. Take advantage as many in the workplace are doing now. The authors mentioned one participant in their study that stayed home one day a week and it was enough to help her survive.
Call in sick: Dishonesty is not appropriate to the Christian, but should there be allowance in your sick policy for emotional distress, use it. You may even be struggling with physical responses to the stress and trauma like sleeplessness or migraines. Certainly these are legitimate “sicknesses” to claim some rest from the nightmare.
Resist:
Win and your boss may be gone…lose and you will be.
Resisting is not for the fainthearted, though many Christians claiming the Matthew 18 confrontation principles will believe it necessary to confront their boss. Though I argue elsewhere this is unnecessary, it is a valid step in a toxic situation.
Go over his or her head:As noted by the authors, going over the boss’ head to their boss or the board may create more hardship. Some go to the HR office, but often are disappointed in the results. Unfortunately, as noted in other articles, abusers more often than not win these fights.
Cover your butt: I say it more nicely than the Guide does, but the idea is simply to collect evidence as you watch the abusive tactics of your boss. Be able to point to specifics when it comes time to confront him or bring charges to the higher-ups.
Some Christians might suggest that this is a “keeping a record of wrongs.” However, evil behavior is recorded throughout scripture when there is no repentance. Look at the Psalms which are full of curses upon abusive people. When there is no repentance, accountability is called for.
Give feedback:This action step may be the most dangerous and unlikely to succeed. Abusers will not normally respond to feedback no matter the kindness with which you give it. If they are not toxic, they may possibly respond well. Most of the study participants had no success with this and gave up after the first try.
Stand up for yourself:If your boss is a tyrant, or bully, this may work. Just like the big kid in sixth grade, they may actually back off and find a new kid to crush if you stand up to them. But, it may get you a black eye as well. I recently interviewed one woman who would stand her ground. The leader turned his evil eye to others.
Rally troops for a counterstrike:Safety is normally in numbers. As a subordinate you have no real power. The power comes through groups. However, as evidenced by our own experience, sometimes even the numbers do little. We collected 40 signatures on a letter to the board and they still did little or nothing to resolve the issues we face.
Manipulate the boss:I discovered in my organization that the CEO’s mother had to be manipulated to believe ideas were hers before she was sold on them. The CEO, a toxic boss himself, played to his mother’s ego in order to seek changes in the ministry.
Escape:
Unfortunately, especially for those who love their work and their organization, leaving can be the only means of safety. You must consider yours and your family’s welfare (see trauma article).
There can be great suffering that is not momentary but lasts for years because of the physical / neurological response to abuse. The authors did not address this issue and I consider it to be paramount in your deliberations to stay or leave.
Most people say leaving was the right move. But, the Guide notes the difficulty many have in actually leaving their job. Many do not leave until their health deteriorates – emotionally or physically.
It is also difficult to leave people behind. Some have shared with me both the frustration of others not getting it (and continuing to support the boss by staying) or sadness in leaving others in the predicament. It is like running away from a bear knowing you are faster than the other guy with you…and you know the slower one is going to be the meal.
Summary
The Toxic Boss Survival Guide ends with the testimony of Cheryl. Her story is instructive and shares many common characteristics of the stories I have heard. Abusive boss, failure of his supervisor to recognize it, long and agonizing investigation process by the HR, further agonizing investigation process by the executives of the corporation, and finally a firing after most of the team has resigned and damage has been done.
When I began to read the Guide, I was expecting to find real help for those who wish to stick it out under toxic leadership. However, like nearly everything I have read and experienced, “sticking it out” is not usually the long-term solution.
This Guide, though, provides excellent short-term help in simple, easy-to-read format and language. As mentioned at the beginning of this series of blogs on the book, most people who are under toxic leadership do not have the time or energy to read a scholarly work on toxic leadership.
In this case, the Toxic Boss Survival Guide is just the ticket.
They just are notnormal. They wreak havoc and drain the life out of organizations and their subordinates.
So, what are you going to do when you work for a toxic boss? “The Toxic Boss Survival Guide” provides a map for surviving in the wilderness of the workplace.
In this second part of a 3-part series on this helpful little book, we look at how to psychologically handle working for these nasty folks? [Blog 1, Blog 3]
The Psychology
“Energy and persistence conquer all things.” [Benjamin Franklin]
You cannot truly “change or control a toxic boss.” They do not respond like normal folks do. They do not have the humility to hear ways that can help them grow. If you have tried to break through or watched others try with no success, then do not beat your head against the wall any longer.
They just are not normal.
Rather, the authors suggest controlling your own mind, attitude, and energy.
“Positive Mental Attitude” [PMA] is that which the authors describe as the means of surviving in the world of the toxic. They assure us this in not Pollyanna. The Guide suggests it is a “resilience defined by strength, purpose, and perspective.”
For the Christian, the PMA is a self-differentiation built upon the model of Christ. He was not driven by the anxiety of others, nor were his actions determined by the abusiveness of the religious or governmental leaders [see article].
Several of my interviewees clearly had this exceptional personal quality. It stood them well when those face-offs happened. Rather than going over and over the confrontations asking, “What just happened?” they were able to press forward knowing they were not the problem. The boss was.
The Guide discusses the need to be self-aware. The authors note seven ways subordinates cope with toxic leaders. These “survival pressures” are taken from wilderness survival writings and adapted by authors:
Fear / Anxiety: There are a number of fears toxic bosses “inject” into our lives. Fear of being singled out and attacked. Of being left in the dark regarding meetings or decisions. Or a loss of career (to some can be like dying).
Pain: Scientists have found that social isolation activates the same area of the brain that physical pain does. We are wired to feel physically hurt when those words, we say will not hurt us, come flying.
Cold / Heat: Cold shoulders, turning the heat up, cooling you off for getting butchered. The temperature is rarely right in the caldron of the toxic workplace.
Thirst / Hunger / Fatigue: People respond physically in different ways to the pressure created by toxic bosses. They may lose their appetite, or drink heavily, or feel completely wiped out.
Sleep: The anxiety created often causes a disruption in our sleeping patterns.
Boredom: When your gifts are not used, you will find a lack of excitement in your work. Maybe you have been given responsibility, but you have been attacked so often for your creativity and self-directedness, you just have no interest anymore in serving the organization with fresh ideas or overtime work.
Isolation: It often happens that a subordinate’s relationships with even those suffering alongside them are damaged. Maybe they are not seeing the toxins for what they are and your once brotherly interactions have become fragmented creating an isolation from those with whom you would normally share the hurts.
Closing out this chapter on psychology, the Guide explains that stress is our internal response to pressure. Other people are not stressful. It is how we respond to the pressures they place on us that determine stress.
This is a helpful idea. The primary bit of advice given is not allowing the pressures created by the toxic boss to overcome the subordinate’s thoughts. All of us have spent time in the shower creating imaginary conversations.
As one of my interviewees suggested, the amount of time and emotional energy he put into thinking and discussing his toxic boss was really an “idol” to him. Naming it an idol gave him the resolve to put the thoughts on a train out of there, an image suggested by a counselor.
The Survival Plan
The seven survival pressures presented in the preceding section have seven survival tactics. These are quite helpful in pushing through the pain.
Positive Mental Attitude: The authors suggest a sense of humor and gratitude are the two most important mental attitudes necessary to stave off the pressure of working with a beast. Note: “cat videos can boost a person’s mood and energy.” Have you ever paid attention to the craziness of firemen, policemen, and EMTs? They might seem lacking in empathy as they deal with the blood and guts of their job, but those jokes are an important means to dealing with the pressure. And, there are always things to be thankful for even if it just the view from your office window – mine is extraordinary.
First Aid: Self-care is valuable to your own well-being that you might do your work well and care for others injured by the toxic boss. Put on your air mask first, then take care of the one sitting beside you.
Shelter: Do you have safe places to go to recoup? To rethink your situation? To share your burdens and rest from them? Superman even has a “fortress of solitude” in which to find solace.
Fire Craft: “Against the backdrop of a toxic leader who quite likely extinguishes flames, your survival entails keeping yourself and others alive and aware of the mission and meaning that continues to flicker at work.” Meaningful work has the greatest impact on our…well, work! If you think the organization is so deeply affected by the leader’s toxicity so that it is itself toxic, consider this article.
Signaling: “Like a lost hiker, send up a signal.” We must let people know when we are suffering. We need other people. Consider people in and out of the organization who can help bring safety and send up that smoke signal.
Water / Food: Health and nutrition are important to your ability to think. And you need to think while facing toxic leaders. “Comfort foods” are not much comfort to the brain. They do not provide the nutritional value needed to work through the emergency needs you have.
Summary
Self-care is absolutely essential to serving under a toxic leader. Though you may cringe at the mention of “self,” even Jesus sought out solitude as he faced the hoards of people following him.
Self-care is intended to provide the strength to serve – other employees and the organization. If you do not have that strength, you are not where you need to be.
But, remember that our strength comes from the Lord Almighty who owns and operates the heavens and earth. He has brought you to this place and given you the abilities you have. It is time to work through the next steps.
Mark was a church planter, establishing an off-site satellite campus. He was hired by a large, multi-campus ministry to resurrect a church with less than twenty members, all in their elderly years.
When interviewed for the job by the senior pastor and the offsite coordinator, he was told he would be starting to lead services that same week. He described the Senior Pastor as autocratic.
They started with approximately 200 in the service that week, including members of the main campus with whom Mark and his wife were friends. Beginning in the second week of worship, the numbers settled around 50 per week for a few months.
One week before Thanksgiving, after their first year of ministry, Mark was invited to a meeting with the Chief Operating Officer (COO). He told Mark he was fired, though they wanted him to stay on until they found someone to replace him. And he was not to tell anyone he was leaving.
Mark described the COO as breathing heavily and tearing up as he told Mark he was fired.
There are a few things that make Mark’s story all the more discouraging:
Within the first year of ministry, extensive follow-up plans for visitors had been implemented. Mark was seeing fruit come from their attention to welcoming new people.
There were multiple baptisms, new professions of faith, and new members during the year.
A Small Group Bible study was developed on Sunday morning.
A Worship Leader was hired.
The church had grown to nearly 100 in average attendance.
A summer VBS reached 90 children that summer.
Yet, Mark had received no communication from his boss for nearly six months prior to being fired.
Mark was never told why he was fired. Incredibly, he stayed on with the church for nearly six months until he was offered a position with a major international mission. At that time, the COO told him, “We didn’t expect you to get a job so soon!“
However, he asked Mark to train the new pastor when he was hired. As it turned out, the worship leader was hired soon after. His severance package included a gag order – he could not say anything about the ministry when he left.
There Were Signs
Mark said there were signs of toxicity he should have seen before he signed on. A worship leader was sent from the main campus to lead each week when they started. However, Mark never knew who it would be and for several months it changed from Sunday to Sunday. He had no choice in the matter.
In the weekly off-site leadership meetings at the main campus, Mark noticed that there was no discussion. The Senior Pastor, well-known globally, would “instruct” the leadership team – tell them what to do and when to do it.
Mark’s wife attended one meeting with the off-site coordinator to discuss reaching young families of which they had few in the church. His wife is an experienced children’s ministry director and had a plan for a Saturday carnival for families in the neighborhood. When presented with the idea, the OC said, “No!” and suggested another event that had little hope of drawing families.
Mark said his firing was not uncommon. There seemed to be frequent firings and other employees were unhappy with how those firings took place. But, no one spoke up about it. Mark attributed that to good salaries and their desire to keep their jobs. It was necessary for the staff to keep their heads down and stay out of “trouble.”
He was told not say anything about the Senior Pastor’s family who were highly integrated in the ministry. He was also told later no one should ever challenge the Senior Pastor, a mistake Mark apparently made when seeking encouragement in his planting efforts. According to one of his fellow pastoral staff members, the Senior Pastor expected them to be tough and not need any help.
The Tools in Ministry
When I asked Mark what biblical principles he focused on in the middle of his agony, he passed on the advice he had received from a mentor when he first was called to pastoral ministry:
There are two ways to do ministry: Use or Train People.
He pointed out that using people as a tool for ministry normally results in a trail of broken people. The focus is on the ministry image. Is the lawn mowed nicely? Are we getting good publicity? Do we have a strong donor base? How do we look?
But, if theministry is used as a tool for developing people, the people grow to do the works of ministry and train others (Ephesians 4:11-12). The ministry invests in people rather than uses them.
As a mega-church ministry, there is a great temptation to prop up the ministry by any means necessary. Mark believed the ministry leader(s) were using people as tools to continually build the ministry rather than seeking to invest in their staff and leaders so that they might minister to people.
I found this a particularly helpful perspective as we experienced people being used as tools in one of our ministry organizations. The leaders treated the employees, whether missionaries or nationals, like mules to take care of the ministry’s image rather than doing what the organization marketed: training future leaders.
Taking the Moral High Ground
As Mark told me his story, he frequently said he and his wife wanted to, “Take the moral high ground.” I asked him what that meant when in the fire of his experience.
He gave the following standards he sought to live by:
They would not attack those who attacked him.
They would not “rally troops to go against the leadership.”
He would not defend himself.
He would not leave attempting to overthrow leadership – he would leave voluntarily.
He would leave protecting those to whom he ministered and not try to turn them against the church.
Mark did meet with a board member while with another ministry to discuss the toxic issues in that organization. He is not against challenging the organization at some level, but clearly determined to keep relationships in tack where he can.
Advice from Experience
I asked Mark what advice he would give to someone under toxic leadership in the church or Christian organization. He had some very helpful advice:
It is important if you are considering going into cross-cultural ministry to do some self-evaluation: Am I able to self-feed? Am I actively spending time learning from the Word, praying, and in fellowship? There will always be toxic leaders and co-workers…am I prepared to go to the Lord when the going gets tough?
Go back to your calling – did God call me to this work?
It is imperative to have a support system in place where you can freely vent and receive encouragement. Sometimes mission agencies (or churches and organizations) fail to provide any real support. Make sure you do not leave home without it.
Though Mark has been hurt more than once by toxic leadership, it is evident that the Lord has worked through him in those settings both for his own personal growth and in aiding those around him. The grace he exhibits to others, including the toxic leaders, is an excellent example and witness to Christ.
One of the last pieces of advice Mark shared with me was to rememberProverbs 14:4 – An empty stable stays clean, but there’s no income from an empty stable. In ministry you are dealing with real people and it gets messy. There is no growth, nor ministry to others that does not involve the messiness of a broken world.
If the stable is clean and tidy, you have to wonder if any real ministry is actually going on.
Approximately a year after her termination from an international mission organization, Susan said, “By the grace of God [I was] not looking over my shoulder and not wishing things were the way they were.”
Susan relayed how an acquaintance, who had gone through a similar experience of abusive leadership, had remarked that it was over two years before she was starting to feel like herself again. Susan’s acquaintance was told by advisors that following these kinds of events, “You have got to be easy on yourself. You’ve got to realize the depth of hurt and confusion that’s gone on and it’s going to take months.”
Choosing to Go and Let God
In my last blog, I sought to encourage those who choose to stay in an organization led by a toxic leader. There are good reasons people choose to stay. But, many find good reasons to leave. There is heartbreak and trauma with which to contend and I hope the following stories will be an encouragement and instructional to those who have made the difficult choice of moving on.
One former missionary told me, “I came to a point where I knew in my heart spiritually, emotionally and professionally that the person I am did not line up with who and what the organization leadership had demonstrated to me.” Martha continued,
“The hierarchy of power and status based on race (‘we are white and therefore superior’) and the lack of grace, humility, and servant leadership displayed by the organization leadership was directly opposite of everything I believed that God called me to be and how he called me to serve. I could no longer be part of an organization that manipulated Scripture to promote its own agenda.”
Once they leave an organization, how do survivors of leadership abuse survive? And heal?
Moving On with Purpose
Part of the healing process is seeing purpose in where God has sent you following the experience of toxic leadership.
God gives every one of His servants purpose and sometimes it is realigned with experiences like those of my interviewees.
Martha said, “I am genuinely excited about and…grateful for where we are now.” She and her husband have found meaningful ministry since leaving the toxic organization.
Bryanne, a former missionary teacher, felt purposeless when arriving back in the United States after she and her husband resigned from a toxic mission. They had committed all of their remaining working days to the organization – intending to work until they retired. Bryanne determined to take a “year of jubilee” when returning to the United States. She took time to rest and simply do nothing.
But, several months after returning, she was approached by a family that needed help with aging parents. There was significant healing that took place as she found a God-given purpose for the use of her God-given gifts.
Jeff was fired following a confrontation of his toxic leader. The large, international mercy ministry was led by a sexual predator. Following the confrontation, Jeff and numerous others were fired by the leader. Jeff said writing a book about his experience helped “close the door firmly on that chapter” and he felt “100% whole again” despite having carried much bitterness and cynicism with him for many years. He said it took him 20 years to get beyond the hurt.
It took nearly two years for Jeff to find a job. However, he was hired by a church whose pastor had died. He said, “They were a wounded church…and I was a wounded puppy. We got together and licked each other’s wounds and I think that was good for both of us.”
Though Jeff suggested, “Don’t take 20 years to get over it,” he said the suffering led him to go back to pastoring a church, what he believes was his first love and call.
Getting Together & Telling the Story
Jeff remembered the first few months following being fired when telling me his story. Everybody (who was fired) was “still in town and we would worship together.” He said, “We would have bible study together and so we had a lot of debriefing time together.” Isaac agreed. He found the most healing when he talked to people who had been through similar situations.
Getting together with others who have faced the struggle or will at least listen is often an important means of healing for those who have suffered at the hands of abusers.
Harris noticed he was talking about his experiences more than he wanted. “But,” he said, “I realized I had to talk about it. I had to tell the story in order to gain mastery over it. Otherwise, it was inside of me and it didn’t make sense.” He said, “I was grateful for a group of friends that…helped us.” A few months later, he and his wife “brought together a group of people we called the ‘discernment team’ just to help us think about what God might have for us next.”
For Brad and Martha, an important period of healing came when they returned to the United States. There was a mission group at one of their supporting churches who cared for them. Martha said, “They just really embraced us and were willing to help.” Brad added, “They wanted to know how we were doing. How they could help us.”
The group asked Brad and Martha to come meet with them to “debrief with them, not to pick apart the ins and outs of the organization, but for us. It wasn’t about trying to fix what we left behind.” He said most other people didn’t really understand and that made this mission group’s support so helpful. Martha added, “There was a measure of failure you wrestle with. We moved our entire lives and sold our house…and for only two years? But, we were never made to feel like failures” by this group.
Forgive the Unforgivable
Mark was employed by an educational mission in a developing country. He was chosen as interim Director for one year. He and his wife lasted less than half that time as they became mediators between the students / staff and the toxic leadership of the mission.
When Mark had turned in his resignation, but was still working with the organization, he said, “I [was] finally able to live with myself because I had watched so much abuse, excused so much abuse, explained to others the abuse they were enduring, but here it now visited me…that enabled me to say, ‘I’m with them, not you anymore.’”
Even now, he seeks shalom. He said, “I think it is a lifelong process in terms of forgiveness.” He explained,
I have had to realize that forgiveness is not necessarily something communicated to the other but is settled in my own mind. I have had to conclude that forgiveness is selfish…so, that I can move on and cease to allow these people to have control over my thoughts, my daydreams, my conversations, my fantasies of what could have been.
Mark had the impression that for there to be forgiveness, there had to be a sit down. There had to be one-on-one interaction. But, he realized, “That would be impossible knowing…they wouldn’t come with the same motives in place. Theirs would be to just keep things quiet.” He believes forgiveness is “being able to accept their humanity and to…not hold them accountable for how [his] life has gone.” He said it has been very difficult, but he “has made great progress in that arena.”
Harris was the CEO of a major Christian mission. His ministry was scuttled by a controlling and self-seeking board chairman. When the new board chairman and new president of the organization asked for Harris’ forgiveness, he knew he had no option but to forgive knowing he had received forgiveness from the Lord.
He realized he had many advantages having been “born into a loving family” – five generations of pastors – and “having a healthy body and healthy mind.” He recognized them as gifts from God. These realizations helped him have compassion for the chairman and he felt like he “had to honor the relationship.”
Forgiveness rarely brings reconciliation in these situations, but my interviewees consistently spoke of their deep spiritual need to forgive their oppressors. Though the leaders did not seek forgiveness, my interviewees were able to place the leaders in God’s capable hands.
Growth Through Trial
Isaac and his family worked for a medical mission in a developing country. Following his resignation, he sought “cultural clarity” through nationals who were not free to share their insights about the organization prior to his resignation. Like Mark (above), he found encouragement in finally being able to connect with the nationals to whom he ministered unlike when he was employed by the paternalistic, toxic mission he described to me. He learned much about the culture during that time of freedom from the organization.
When his family returned to the United States, they “hid down at a condo on the beach.” While there, they “tried to sort out what was next” as a family. He said they grew a lot as a family. He believed it could have been a difficult time for the family relationally, but he said it helped he and his wife to be more “vulnerable and go through a lot of hard things and not really have the right answers.”
Isaac believes the experience was great, “even the bad stuff.” He said it “helped us understand ourselves better…strip away some of the ways we read the bible obviously from our culture.” Rather than tearing him down, Isaac and his family grew in the Lord from the experience.
Not one of my interviewees has failed to see positive growth from their experiences though they may continue to struggle with the traumatic effects of the abuse they received.
Vindication
Isaac experienced a certain vindication when a young man with whom they enjoyed working and then lied about them to the founder, “ended up back in the states a year later than us.” He had experienced the same difficulty with the founder as Isaac’s family.
For one family, it was particularly satisfying that many missionaries resigned from the mission giving further evidence of the toxicity of the leadership. “Those missionaries are now free as we are free,” Charles said. “They get it. It is very vindicating to know we were not crazy or misguided in our view of the leadership when we chose to leave.”
Often we wish to level the playing field by suggesting everyone in a conflict is wrong in some ways, making the victim equally wrong. However, in abuse, there is not a level playing field. It is helpful when victims of evil leaders find vindication, the evidence of their boss’ failures rather than their own.
Conclusion
There are many ways God’s people find Shalom when they have left the work they love because of toxic leadership. There is hope in that the Sovereign God of the Universe uses the failures of man, even toxic leaders, to direct His people to ministry that brings them purpose and Him glory. He is always growing His people more and more into the likeness of His Son. And ultimately, God will be vindicated!
Don’t give up…
Do you have a story to tell. Please share it for the healing of others.
Many who join Christian organizations as volunteers or paid employees understand it to be a calling from God. This calling drives them on while facing the inevitable trials associated with serving Christ in a broken world. Beat up relationships, financial struggle, and thankless service are commonplace in our service in God’s kingdom. We find shalom (peace) knowing God is in our work.
However, there is an added layer of trial when the employee serves under a toxic leader. It is shocking when those who claim to follow Christ lie, cheat, and steal. The employee may begin to second-guess the calling he has been so sure of since he joined the organization. Some employees I have interviewed have sworn off working for Christian organizations not ever wanting to deal with that level of pain again.
Called to Suffer
But, there are many reasons why an employee will continue to serve in an organization led by an abusive leader. There are unbiblical motivations of which I have written before, but there are also Christ-serving reasons.
Long-suffering (and long-serving) employees may build relational capital within the organization, giving them influence others may not have. Their commitment to the organization, if not to the leaders, may provide the clout necessary to challenge the leadership or change the direction of the ministry. Seeing a Christian ministry molded to pursue Christ rather than image or wealth is certainly a God-honoring goal and mission.
Our individual service to others may also motivate (positively) our commitment to staying. I thought for several years that the work I was doing was valuable whether the leadership was onboard or not. My family not only hoped to influence the leadership, but we had many opportunities to serve others. We joined many other missionaries believing we made a difference in the lives of others by staying and suffering through abusive leadership.
We determined the bad outweighed the good and left our organization. But, others have chosen to stay and battle on. Here are some things that have helped others to stay in that battle.
Deirdre
Deirdre, a missionary in a developing country, said she negatively learned from the example of the founder of the organization she served. She said, the founder would treat the national workers as “subhuman.” She said, “It was not nice. She would come out, open her door and stand there and scream at the top of her lungs.” Deirdre said, “I don’t treat them the way she did.” Despite all the frustrations Deirdre endured with the founder, she said,
In all of it – for all human beings are fallible in so many ways – I think there are so many good people out there doing different kinds of mission work…But we’re all human beings with so many trials and tribulations that may be separate from what we are doing for the mission that affect our lives. I don’t want to give up. I didn’t and it’s my desire to be there until I’m done.
Unlike all the others I have interviewed, Deirdre outlasted her abusive boss. She noted that her mother passed away when she was only thirteen-years-old. Deirdre recounted the time her father asked her if he should get someone to help with “cleaning and cooking.” Deirdre said, “No, I’m going to do it.” She noted, “I have always been that way…I just plowed through these circumstances.”
Deirdre was sure she had moments she wanted to “run away” from the mission, it just never worked out to leave to another mission in the country where she serves. Since the departure of the founder, Deirdre says she is able now to “follow through with things” that the founder “didn’t allow me to do.” She said she has always “needed to be doing something for somebody…I need to be needed,” and that motivated her during her time under the founder’s toxic leadership.
Adam
As he suffered through conflicts with the CEO, the CEO’s wife, and the founders of his organization, Adam said he would “go home and go to bed and get up the next day.” He said, he would try to think of them as like himself: sinful and broken. The humility to see his own failings helped him reject judgmental thoughts of his leaders.
In addition, when speaking of his pastoral role at the organization, Adam said, “I think the comradery of suffering became a comradery of healing as well.” He was convinced the sharing in the experience with others who were suffering at the time was also important in the healing.
Adam noted that he and his wife made a decision to limit the time they discussed their leaders. He said the amount of complaining about the leadership was evidence they had made the leaders to be “idols.”
He explained that when another person is allowed so much control over your emotions and thoughts, they have become an idol to you. Adam made a concerted effort to turn from his “idolatry” by thinking of other things.
Harris
As Harris was facing his crisis, he found direction and comfort in knowing, “The one who called you is faithful and he will do it,” quoting Paul’s letter to the Thessalonians.[1] Harris considered God’s calling to be fundamental to confronting a “traumatic experience.”
He said, “I didn’t come here because it was my idea. The Lord God called, he summoned me.”
Harris also received the encouragement of friends, including well-known pastors who sought out individuals on the board or staff to help mediate the conflict. They showed by their actions, their belief in Harris’ story. Though their efforts were rebuffed by leadership they contacted, their support was very encouraging to Harris.
Frances
Frances said she felt prepared for the experience as she experienced similar toxicity in other similar situations. She said it gave her “some perspective in how to navigate what was happening.” She said it “emboldened” her. She knew she had come through the fire of former situations and would this one as well.
Like Harris, Frances was hearing from former trustees and friends of the ministry who were supporting her. She said, “Several people in those positions have been fully supportive and critical of the organization throughout.” Family and friends have not necessarily been “critical of the organization,” but have been “supportive of us, praying for us.”
One former board member showed solidarity with Frances, rejecting an invitation to a planning meeting, to which Frances should have been invited but was not. The former board member said, “I can’t look Frances in the face if she isn’t involved in the meeting.” [I have written of the incredible need for the church to stand behind those who are abused before.]
In addition, Frances said, “In the intense heat of the struggle…I had…a sense of the Spirit of God” as she awoke at night with “adrenaline flowing.” She would take long “prayer walks…that were really quite moving.”
In fact, she needed “time to recover physically a few months later because of sleep loss.” Her commitment to prayer, evidence of her dependency on Christ, was true sustenance to her.
In addition, Frances was committed to supporting others. Though “feeling a bit lost as to what was next,” Frances was “really more focused on the ministry of the organization as well as the hurt [the situation was causing other] people who had been involved in the organization for many years” rather than what hurt it was causing Frances’ family. Reaching out rather than becoming self-consumed was helpful and healing to her.
Final Thoughts
It can take extraordinary selflessness to remain in an abusive organization. It may be foolish and self-destructive.
But, when someone remains committed to an organization for good reasons and not out of fear for the future [ie. where am I going to get another job?], he or she can take great comfort knowing Christ also suffered unjustly and did not run from it in the end. There were in fact times He “slipped away” when the religious leaders threatened to take Him by force, but when He faced the temple guards in the garden, He gave Himself up.
His time had come to suffer cruelty in the service to others.
The horrible effects of working under toxic employers are legion. Dan Allender, the author of the book, “Bold Love,” says, “Evil…strips people of their hope.”[1] A study found up to 15% of suicides committed in Sweden were “due to isolation and victimization at work.”[2] It is hard to hope in a future when caught in the brokenness of workplace relationships.
The stories told by participants in my research of toxic leadership portray a range of damage wrought by abusive bosses. In my experience, there is emotional, physical, and spiritual damage done by toxic bosses to their subordinates. No one is unscathed by their abuse. And these employees suffer deeply from a lack of hope.
The Wreckage
In a recent email, a victim described the migraines, nightmares, vomiting in staff meetings, depression, insomnia, and decision-making struggles she had while serving under a toxic church pastor. His manipulation, slander, and control had completely debilitated her by the time she resigned.
She has continued to struggle with many of these symptoms despite being under a godly pastor ever since. My own heightened anxiety prior to leaving a Christian mission organization resulted in chest pains and other physical symptoms.
One interviewee, Harris, described the spiritual wreckage from his experience. Having been shattered by a Christian organization, he struggled to regain an appreciation for the Bible, something that had been fundamental to his calling for more than thirty years of service in Christian ministry. He did not want to read his Bible during his usual morning devotional time for several months.
A recent note from another acquaintance, who had served under a toxic pastor, said,
“I was in serious denial, believing the best about [my boss], and actually holding out hope that he would be a significant mentor in my life. [He] caused all sorts of spiritual wreckage. [I] kept feeling completely inadequate and spiritually dismissed.”
My participants described all sorts of traumatic responses:
Adam was emotionally depressed.
Eugene lost his voice.
Ben got hives.
Harris described going through the stages of grief.
Frances lost direction.
Isaac felt betrayed.
And Eugene and Harris shared the financial strain it placed on their families following their termination.
Isolation
One particularly devastating result of workplace abuse is isolation. Where God has created man in and for community, isolation is a common result and method of control by evil leaders.
Isolation can be created, in part, by the intentional actions of the abuser or by the natural result of the victim standing up to the leader while others do not. Hare says psychopaths are effective at convincing others “it is they [the leaders] who are suffering and the victims are to blame for their misery,” thereby gaining followers and isolating the victim.[3]
During our final two months with a toxic organization, the CEO lied that others in the organization did not agree with our position. He was seeking to isolate us from our coworkers. This may be one of the reasons that a large percentage (38%) of co-workers do nothing to help the target of bullying in the workplace.[4] We fear isolation and will rarely stand against or for anything that may cause estrangement from our fellow man.
When there is no one to speak truth into their lives, abuse victims often believe they are all alone in their struggle. They believe there is no future for them but to “suck it up” and live with the pain.
The emotional trauma – a reordering of brain activity – will continue to increase and cause more and more dysfunction in future relationships if their backs are not stiffened by coworkers or leaders.
My family was fortunate in that we shared in our struggle with many current and former missionaries who understood the battle we were in. Standing together minimized the traumatic damage done by the leaders of our organization.
Believe Them
Recent sexual abuse and harassment reports in the United States have brought to the public purview the problems associated with abuse. It is extraordinary the number of women who are coming forward to tell their stories. However, there are those who continue to believe the cause of these whistleblowers is somehow deficient due to their delayed public testimonies. This situation is all too common for those who have faced any form of abuse, whether domestic or in the marketplace.
Whistleblowers rarely take a stand until they feel at least somewhat safe to out their oppressors.
With our “innocent until proven guilty” mindset, which is certainly a good and biblical judicial premise, we are hesitant to believe the evil of others. We want incontrovertible physical evidence of wrong-doing. Unfortunately, it is rare that there is such evidence, particularly after many years of dormancy. It is easy for those uninitiated to abuse to think the publicity given to these women is somehow desirable.
However, in the case of abuse, it is very rare that the whistleblower has the motive of “gold-digging.” The emotional stress created by others’ distrust in the whistleblower’s story creates an environment unlikely to give blossom to justice. Rachael Denhollander’s story of sexual abuse at the hands of Dr. Larry Nassar, the convicted Olympic and Michigan State University gymnastics physician, should be a lesson to the church. [Article]
If you understand both the traumatic effects of abuse and deep struggle victims have with sharing what is often seen as shameful to them, you will believe those who are suffering or have suffered under predators. Listen to their stories and consider their claims without prejudice. Welcome their sharing.
Remember that whistleblowing almost always means humiliation and shame, though you, as an outsider, may not understand why.
Call It What It Is
After hearing these stories, the use of the term, “oppressive” to describe a toxic boss may be too polite. The lying, manipulating, deceiving, demeaning, and controlling behavior of supervisors who practice toxic leadership has long-term emotional, physical, and spiritual effects on their subordinates. The church must not allow survivors to be isolated or forgotten.
There once was a frog swimming happily in a river. He heard a voice call out from the riverbank. As he came closer he saw it was a scorpion. The scorpion asked the frog for a ride across the river.
The frog, knowing scorpions, refused saying, “Scorpions sting. How do I know you won’t kill me?” But, the scorpion calmly suggested, “Why would I do that? If I kill you, I will also die as I cannot swim.”
The frog, seeing the logic in the scorpions argument, allowed the scorpion to climb on him and began to cross the river. However, when he had gone nearly halfway, he felt a sting on his back. Turning he saw the scorpion removing his stinger.
The frog croaked, “You fool! Now we will both die. Why did you do such a thing?”
The scorpion admitted, “I couldn’t help myself. It’s my character.”
We normally understand Character to be deeply engrained. Sometimes even thinking there is no way to free ourselves (or others) from character traits that are destructive. However, the grace of God is able to transform our hearts and actions to be a sweet aroma rather than awful stench.
Manfred Kets de Vries
One of the finest research consultants in the psychology of business management is a Frenchman named Manfred Kets de Vries. He told the frog and scorpion story in his book, Leader on the Couch. He has written more than forty books and directs one of the largest leadership development centers in the world. My early introduction to his research was in the area of abusive leadership of which he has written much.
However, Kets de Vries has worked hard to speak to “normal” problems of leadership as well. In this blog, I want to share some of his research as it speaks to our own failings as leaders. Though we may not be compulsively abusive and manipulative in our leadership, we can be very ineffective due to a variety of character traits.
Though our characters may be deeply ingrained, those who desire to serve the Lord in a leadership capacity need the humility to see their failings and seek His character changing work.
With multiple degrees and experience in psychology and business, Kets de Vries describes several toxic leadership styles in Leader on the Couch. Though he discusses at length narcissistic and anti-social leaders – unfortunately common toxins among leaders – he names several less psychotic leadership destroyers.
Go Along and Get Along:
The Dramatist
The dramatist is “constantly in search of support, reassurance, and protection” according to Kets de Vries [pages 60-61]. They are a fragile lot and very effected by criticism or disapproval. And they tend to be insincere. Wouldn’t you be if you wanted the approval and assurance of others?
He says they are likable and charming and so other people want to initially work with them. However, their lack of competence and attention span make them underachievers.
The Dependent
Just as the name implies, the Dependent feels “helpless, inadequate, powerless, and ineffectual.” They function best when supported by others and have issues with anxiety. They are the downers of the organization [page 71].
They do not initiate projects and are happier having others take the lead. They will not give their opinions as they feel the need to please everyone.
The Self-Defeater
The inferior Self-Defeater happily accepts the blame for that which they are not responsible. They are “drawn to relationships where they’re subject to humiliation, suffering, and distress.”
They might be good followers because they are usually honest, ethical, and have a sense of humility. But, they are attracted at times to mean bosses. And they will often fail to finish tasks though they have the ability.
The Depressant
The Depressant is just like he sounds: depressed. Kets de Vries says, “They see themselves as inconsequential at best and anywhere from reproachable to contemptible at worst. Believing that they deserve to be criticized and derogated, they indulge in acts of self-denial, self-punishment, and self-torment.” [p. 95]
The Depressant does not make much of a leader as they “overestimate their difficulties and underestimate their capabilities.” They need constant assurance that they are okay. And, they can be very critical of their subordinates and fail to motivate them to use their gifts and abilities.
The Imposter
Some types of Imposters believe they are “sailing under false colors.” They may be very successful leaders, but they feel as though they are frauds.
Kets de Vries tells the story of a senior executive who was admitted as a young man into an Ivy League school – he believed it to be a “lucky break” and a result of an error by admissions. Over time he excelled and reach the level of CEO of a major corporation. However, he overwhelmed with questions of his ability to truly lead the company.
Despite having turned around a global arm of the company and extraordinary capabilities, he spent many sleepless nights questioning every decision he made. He was “haunted by nightmares” and developed an alcohol problem.
Not So Get Along:
The Controller
The Controller is “rigid, inflexible, and lacking in spontaneity.” Their judgmentalism and joylessness make them a bore to work with. They generally are good at being in submission to authority, though have a rebellious streak, but they are autocratic and condemning to subordinates.
Therefore, the Controllers will often continue in their positions of authority unhindered by their own bosses. Their boss cannot believe what the subordinates say about the Controller because he or she is always quite respectful to him. The Controller has them hoodwinked.
Unlike the Dramatist, Self-Defeater, or possibly Dependent, who are very sensitive to their failings, the Controller is not likely to respond to confrontation.
The Detached
There are actually two types of Detached personalities: The Avoidant and the Schizoid. Both have great difficulty relating to other people. The Schizoid appears to be completely uninterested in developing personal relationships whereas the Avoidant, though desiring relationship, actively seeks detachment due to self-protection. “They are painfully alert to the minutest signals of rejection from others, interpreting even the most neutral events as evidence of disdain or ridicule.” [p. 86]
Kets de Vries says they normally stick to low-visibility positions in an organization. Detached employees are unable to build networks, something necessary to develop the gifts and reach of the organization.
The Abrasive
Heinrich Himmler, the head of the Nazi SS, is used as a classic example of an Abrasive leader. He once said, “The best political weapon is the weapon of terror. Cruelty commands respect. Men may hate us. But we don’t ask for their love: only for their fear.” [p. 103]
The once CEO of the Sunbeam corporation, Al Dunlap, believed employees were expendable and the only goal of the corporation was making money for the shareholder. He oversaw massive layoffs and the firing of workers who had been with the company many years because they just were not not worth what he thought they should be.
Condescending, belligerent, and disrespectful are good descriptions of the Abrasive. They are authoritarian, harsh, cruel, and vindictive.
The Paranoid
Forrest Mars, the son of Mars founder, Frank, was paranoid. When he founded a separate company called Ethel M. Chocolates, he had two-way mirrors in his office so he could watch his employees carefully.
Paranoids are suspicious and distrust other people to such an extent they are consumed by it. They are very touchy and apprehensive, “magnifying even minor slights into major offenses.” [page 111]
According to Kets de Vries, the Paranoid pays “insufficient attention to the bigger picture, seeing hidden meanings and secret coalitions everywhere.” [page 117]
This is Us
Each of these types of leaders could be me. Our fears, desire to control the swirl of events that surround us, or void of relational capabilities can run our ministry into the ground.
But, nearly all of these are fixable problems. It takes humility and self-awareness to see microbes of these toxins running through our veins. This may come through the loving, or not so loving, critique of a coworker, subordinate or boss. If we can hear those voices we can seek the aid of God’s Holy Spirit and even possibly the counsel of those who know our psychosis, to become the leaders God desires his people to be.
Kets de Vries, Manfred F. R.. The Leader on the Couch: A Clinical Approach to Changing People and Organizations. Wiley.
Graham, one of my interviewees when researching toxic organizational leadership, expressed dismay at his “naiveté” in believing there would be “healing and reconciliation” when he was involved in a confrontation with his CEO. His organization had been founded and built into an international mercy ministry by the CEO.
Having carefully planned a humble approach with the aid of two other high-profile, well-respected Christian leaders, he believed the confrontation of the CEO for multiple sexual harassment charges would be received in humility. He expected in the end the confrontation team “would hug and get it done!” Graham’s experience ended up in the loss of his job and he was “blackballed” by the CEO as he sought a new position.
Harris & Putting the Fun Back in Dysfunction
Harris told the board of a large Christian organization when interviewing for the CEO position, “I bet the most important relationship in any non-profit organization is the relationship between the CEO and the board chairman. They either push each other to a higher level and bring the organization with it, or they can drag the whole organization down into the swamp.”
He said he had no idea how badly it was going to go between he and the chairman. Harris was told repeatedly, prior to joining the organization, their board was dysfunctional. During the interview process, a charming member of the board said, “You probably heard that we have a dysfunctional board?” He told the board, “Yes, actually I have heard that, but I like to put the fun back in dysfunction.” Unfortunately, despite his extraordinary success in two other major, international mission organizations, the fun was not put back in the dysfunction.
The ideas Harris put to his vision to bring the organization out of its humdrum existence were viewed as an affront to the board chairman. Because Harris’ ideas did not come from him, he would not accept them and went on the offensive to destroy Harris’ ministry.
Isaac & the Cycler
Isaac experienced aggressive toxicity in the final months of his ministry with an educational mission he served. Isaac said he had several meetings with the CEO and the meetings went through a “cycle…of flattery and guilt and threatening…He would flatter us – tell us how great we were – then talk about our obligation. Then he would talk about our supporters – what would they think – then [finish] with threats.”
When Isaac resigned, he continued to work part-time for the mission, seeking to help the organization while they sought a replacement. Because Isaac was beginning work with another organization, the CEO sent a letter to the immigration authorities at the airport asking them to stop Isaac and his family’s entry to the country on their return from a short trip to the United States. Though unsure the letter would have had any impact on their travel plans, Isaac explained they missed a connecting flight and flew into the country through another city, thereby circumventing the immigration at the local airport unintentionally.
Adam & the Wives
Adam, a missionary in the developing world, recounted an experience when his wife had purchased plane tickets for their trip home for furlough and the CEO’s wife “demanded that she change the flight.” Adam’s wife responded, “I’m sorry, I can’t.” Adam said, “That was the moment they realized we weren’t always going to say yes.” The CEO and his wife’s treatment of Adam and his family changed after that. He observed that future conflict “had to travel through my wife.” He said, “She took the brunt of all these incidences and I believe that they knew we were peace loving people…but, I really believed they used that against us, because they knew…like a bully they can get away with it.”
Eugene & His “Friend”
Though Eugene “felt like quitting,” he said, “If I accepted the position of Senior Vice President, I was responsible to the organization as well as responsible to my friend, [the CEO].” He added, “The organization has to be one of the leading international missions, and I just felt like, [the CEO] is bringing this mission down.”
Though he had heard of the CEO’s failure to interact well with those under his authority, he believed, as a friend there could be a positive outcome to his confrontation. He was willing to take the risk of confronting the CEO with the hope there would be a positive outcome. Within days of his confrontation of the CEO, Eugene was told to give over his laptop, credit card, and cell phone immediately. He said, “That was a huge slap in the face.” He said, “I couldn’t believe he could be that cold-hearted.”
Root Canals
Each of the participants in my study had been involved in confrontations with their bosses. All but one were fired or felt it was necessary to resign because of the negative impact the leader had on their families. Only one outlasted her boss.
I asked each what effects there were to them and their families. They each described emotional, physical, and spiritual effects they experienced. Harris summed up the common results of the participants’ experiences when he said, “I don’t like to use inflated language, but some of these things really do have catastrophic consequences for an individual and their family.” Like having a root canal without the tooth being fixed.
Effects on Others
Eugene spoke of the impact his forced resignation had on those who depended on him. He said,
Here are 250 missionaries you have been basically counseling for seven years, intimately involved with their lives…for some of them, I was the one key person on the way to some future they were looking toward. And, all of a sudden, that all disappeared. That was very hard. Basically, we had to trust the Lord knew what He was doing and that he would take care of those people too because it wasn’t our responsibility any more.
After Eugene’s firing, the organization was unable to fill his position because, “Nobody wanted the job. They figured, ‘If Eugene is his best friend and can get fired, I don’t want that.’”
Physical and Emotional Effects
Though Adam and his family resigned from the organization in 2012, he said, “The consequences are still unfolding for our family.” When he first resigned he “felt exhilarated, liberated.” While they finished out their term, Adam said he “enjoyed [the country] in a way that I had not up to that point.”
He remembers watching his “family cry all the way to the airport,” knowing he had made the right decision but it was very difficult. Graham added that he and a few of his closest colleagues who were fired suffered “various levels of depression” over the years since.
One church employee, Susan, described her migraines and depression. Adam says he was “emotionally depressed for at least two years after” leaving. He said he was “physically irresponsible which goes with depression; Eat all I can. Drink all I can. Sleep all I can. Stay inside all I can.”
Considering his own difficulties following his firing, Eugene also suffered physically. He explained, “I had a really hard time getting over it. Physically, I got sick…I lost my voice. I couldn’t get a job.” He lost his insurance and so was unable to work with a speech therapist. Casandra pointed out that Ben had hives for a long time after leaving, adding, “Lots of wounds of internal stress from it all.”
Many people have expressed concern and encouragement, but Harris related the analogy,
“You can tell a beautiful woman how beautiful and wonderful she is, but if she feels trashed as a child, she’s like, ‘I don’t care what accomplishments I may have had.’ I was told to get out and stay out and my life has been hard ever since.’”
At this point, Harris does not see an end in sight. He likens the experience to losing a child, “Because something like this was wrongly taken from you…you get past it, you get through it, but I don’t think you get over it.”
Where Now Brown Cow
As a leader of a major Christian organization, Harris had many speaking engagements that were cancelled. He said, “There is a sense in which I don’t have any value. I’m not part of the community. I’m a commodity and the value of this commodity just dropped to zero and I’ve been spit out.”
He said, “There’s a sense of shock, denial,” referring to the stages of grief. Harris does not “feel the passion for world evangelization” he did once and for which he worked so hard. He said, “I have people who want me to mentor them and I have nothing to say. I’m rung out.”
Frances recalls “feeling a bit lost as to what was next.” As she went on unemployment following her firing, “There was a sense of hurt as I’ve tried to ponder it at different times.”
The Buck Just Stops
Eugene was on unemployment for eight months, though all the while seeking a job. Though Frances has an exceptional background and experiences in missions and leadership, getting another job took several months and the new job involved separation from her family for long stretches of time.
She was in her late 50s and she said, “Most organizations are not going to hire someone at that stage of life.” Frances noted the “financial fallout was pretty serious” with a “reduction in income [that] was pretty severe.”
Harris, despite receiving a larger salary than he and his family either needed or wanted, was financially worse off than when he joined the organization. He explained that he “had to hire a lawyer to get out” and spent a great deal of money and received no severance. He said he ended up with credit card debt and bills he could not pay. He went on, “I’ve never ever had financial trouble in my life…I always had good jobs.” Several years later, he is still without a full-time position.
Parting Shots
When Ben and Casandra returned to the United States, they “were very fragile for a time.” They had “hot and cold responses from different churches [that supported them] in terms of understanding and encouragement.” Ben said, “Some churches very coldly listened to what we had to say; ‘Well thank you for your service. God bless you as you go.’”
The effects from the battles with toxic leaders are heart-breaking. Few people understand until they have experienced it and even then, the church is so often more concerned with caring for the toxic one, they fail to care for the downtrodden.
Each of the stories shared above caused real-life trauma for the victims. They suffer many of the symptoms of trauma that have long-lasting effects.
May the God of all comfort, care for and uphold the targets of toxic leadership.
In 2007, Lundy Bancroft, arguably the most knowledgable and experienced social scientist in the area of domestic violence,* listed characteristics of an abuser’s repentance. He did not call it “repentance,” but that is evidently what it is. He called it, “Checklist for Assessing Change in Men Who Abuse Women.“
Every expert (including Bancroft) I have read, agrees: Abusers rarely change their stripes. This is true in both the business and at home. Whether you read a marital abuse counselor or a business management expert, abuse is about power and it is uncommon for abusers to repent.
True Repentance
However, there are still streams of light.
There are abusers at home and in the office who change.
After his work with hundreds of abusers, consider Lundy’s list of what a “changed” abuser looks like – if they do change:
Admits fully to what he has done
Stops excuses
Stops all blaming of her
Makes amends
Accepts responsibility (recognizing that abuse is a choice)
Identifies patterns of controlling behavior, admitting their wrongness
Identifies the attitudes that drive his abuse
Accepts that overcoming abusiveness will be a decades-long process, not declaring himself cured
Does not start to say, “so now it’s your turn to do your work,” does not use change as a bargaining chip
Does not demand credit for improvements he has made
Does not treat improvements as chips or vouchers to be spent on occasional acts of abuse (e.g. “I haven’t done anything like this in a long time, so why are you making such a big deal about it?”)
Develops respectful, kind, supportive behaviors
Carries his weight
Shares power
Changes how he is in highly heated conflicts
Changes how he responds to his partner’s (or former partner’s) anger and grievances
Changes his parenting
Changes his treatment of her as a parent
Changes his attitudes towards females in general
Accepts the consequences of his actions (including not feeling sorry for himself about those consequences, and not blaming her or the children for them)
These assessments can easily be contextualized to the work environment. Here are a few:
Will the leader of the organization admit his failures?
Does he take responsibility for his actions?
Does he genuinely apologize for his abusive behavior to subordinates?
Does he catch himself when he begins to heat up?
Does he treat his subordinates as God’s image-bearers who have value and valuable things to say?
Does he give credit to those who have done the work?
Just recently I heard of a case where an emotionally and physically abusive man was getting “good marks” in his court-ordered batterer’s counseling. He has shown none of the marks listed by Bancroft to his ex-wife and children as he continually bombards her with legal challenges, lies, and blame-shifting.
It is extraordinarily frustrating to all who know the situation that the counselor does not appear to have any real understanding of abuse. This is not unusual to the business world where few understand the destruction of an abusive boss. Toxic leaders continue traumatizing their targets as others stand by making excuses.
