It wasn’t long after the honeymoon that Jeanie began suffering from her husband Richard’s lack of care for his family and she suffered for nearly thirteen years from sexual abuse in their bedroom.
Richard, for the full length of their nearly 20 year marriage, refused to help with either childrearing or household needs. Over the years, Jeanie said she began to only ask for help when it was something she was unable to do. Then, in time, she began asking friends and neighbors when it was too hard for her because he would rarely respond to her requests at all.
Basically, my husband’s duty around the house became little more than to go to his regular job and bring home a paycheck and if I relied on him for more than that, it was overwhelming to him and anxiety producing for me.
Jeanie
She accounted for Richard’s bedroom manner—and her response—to teaching in the church that created an unhealthy sexual relationship. She said they both believed that the husband’s “sexual satisfaction” was primary and her needs were of no real consequence.
This view is not uncommon and comes from a misinterpretation of 1 Corinthians:
The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
1 Corinthians 7:3-5
1 Corinthians 7 is often misunderstood as explaining that the wife must give the husband sexual pleasure whenever he wants it. But, that is not what it says.
If you understand it within the context of mutual love and submission that is taught throughout Scripture, choices in the bedroom—like in every area of life as a family—should be made selflessly. That includes the husband whose desires may be driven by his own selfish desires with no interest in serving his wife’s—who may or may not have the “drive” he has.
Note how Paul makes it very clear that both spouses have authority over the other’s body. It is not one-sided and the husband has just as much responsibility to respond to the wife’s desires as she to his.
After so many years of neglect and abuse, Jeanie said, “I began to struggle heavily with guilt, anxiety, insomnia, migraines and memory loss.” She had sought over the years to “win him without a word” but her “lived experience was that was completely ineffective.”
1 Peter 3:1 is helpful in some marital situations: It specifically speaks to marriage to an unbelieving husband. But it is not helpful in cases of abuse. An abusive husband does not have the humility to see the evil of their actions—he will justify and shift the blame. A wife’s humble submission simply means he has control and can do anything he wants with her.
The marriage had been so traumatizing to her, she knew she needed to get help and possibly a divorce.
Richard had refused counseling over and over and so she had gone by herself. He was not interested in making changes for the good of the marriage.
Elder Failures
Jeanie sought out the help of friends and her pastors’ wives. Their advice was consistently that she just give Richard more sex.
Jeanie had joined a support group and described hers and Richard’s sexual encounters. “The trauma counselor and other group members immediately began telling me I had been sexually abused.” She was beginning to understand that Richard’s forcing of sex was abusive and she was not willing to allow that.
She finally reached out to the Senior Pastor, Andy. The board of elders and pastors were going to discuss their “case” and she wrote to Andy explaining,
I, a woman who has been sexually traumatized, will be discussed by a room full of men, many of whom I do not or barely know, and they will consider the most intimate and hurtful events of my life, so that they can judge whether or not I have a right to be free from that. And what if they decide I don’t? Worse, what if they decide Richard is the one with grounds? Then I am being told that my needs don’t matter and that my feelings are illegitimate. I know that is not your intention, but it is sadly what my broken heart will hear, and I will feel violated all over again.
Jeanie
One elder contacted Richard—a common approach to marital difficulties but a horrible response in cases of abuse if the victim has not given permission—and was both manipulated by Richard and caused a ramping up of Richard’s abusive behavior at home.
Jeanie encouraged the elders to get training in abuse because, though they showed some compassion and kindness to start with, their handling of her years of suffering was wholly inadequate. However, they did not see the need.
Strange Response
The elders, instead of seeking to understand abuse and respond in ways that would be helpful and shepherding instead disciplined Jeanie.
After meeting, the elders told Jeanie that she should refrain from taking Communion and step down from her position on the music worship team for six months. There was nothing written down, it was not explained, and after about five months the restrictions were raised with no explanation of what had been accomplished.
As Jeanie and I talked, it became evident that the elders’ actions amounted to “disciplining” Jeanie and yet nothing was ever done to bring accountability to Richard. At some point one elder told Jeanie that they had sought to “disciple” —meet to train and encourage—Richard, but he never completed the assignments given to him.
He was not interested in caring for his family or Jeanie . . . only getting what he could in the bedroom.
But Jeanie was told she was the sinner by the elder board’s actions—she needed to refrain from the means of grace in the church (communion) and stop using her gifts for the edification of the body.
Jeanie told me, “I am probably seen as a trouble maker. They think I went off the deep end and divorced my husband. They criticized me for having a crisis of faith and I wouldn’t have if they had not done the things they did.”
Divorce
Secondly, the board of elders believed they needed to investigate and determine the legitimacy of her seeking a divorce. She was warned that if they did not approve of it, she would be unable to marry again—at least in that church.
The perspective that the elders have this kind of power is not an uncommon view in many denominations. However, there are some biblical questions in regards to this view.
In 1 Timothy 5 there are extended instructions for Timothy, a young elder in Ephesus. Here Paul gives Timothy directions for both the elders and congregation in relation to elders. At no point does he suggest that the elders are called to rule in such a way as to bind the consciences of congregant members.
There is a distinct emphasis in New Testament eldership on teaching and Gospel proclamation. It emphasizes careful teaching that does not go beyond the clarity of the Word. The elders are responsible to be good and gracious shepherds, not authoritarian, power-hungry rulers.
- The congregation in Antioch sent financial aid to the Judean elders (because of a famine that was foretold) by the hands of the Apostles (Acts 11:29-30)
- In Acts 15, the elders and Apostles in Jerusalem debated the issue of circumcision for new Gentile believers. They sent a letter saying, “Abstain from what has been sacrificed to idols, and from blood, and from what has been strangled, and from sexual immorality.” (Acts 15:28-29) This was a very careful and limited response that pulled back from legalistic proclamations.
- The Apostles went from city to city to provide instructions to the congregations. (Acts 16:4)
- Paul tells the Ephesian elders: “Pay careful attention to yourselves and to all the flock, in which the Holy Spirit has made you overseers, to care for the church of God, which he obtained with his own blood.” (Acts 20:27-28)
- After giving the personal qualifications for an elder, Paul says to Titus, “He must hold firm to the trustworthy word as taught, so that he may be able to give instruction in sound doctrine and also to rebuke those who contradict it.” (Titus 1:9) Note “sound doctrine”, not legalistic control.
In Jeanie’s case, the elders, who refused to learn about the dynamics of the sin of abuse, overstepped their calling in Scripture by “disciplining” Jeanie and failed by omission to call Richard to living the Gospel in his marriage and family.
A Proposal
I understand the perspective that Jeanie’s elders have. I am part of a similar elder board.
However, just as an elder board should, without hesitation, provide “permission” —in the form of teaching and individual direction—for the offended spouse to divorce in the case of adultery without laying shame upon the victim in anyway for taking that step, so should they give that permission in the cases of desertion (1 Cor. 7:15).
Considering the instructions in the case law of the Old Testament (Ex. 21:10-11), the victim in an abusive marriage should be given every bit of leeway for physical and emotional provision. Our Lord despises oppressive behavior of any sort and elder boards must be found by the Lord on the side of oppressed.
In addition, it is helpful for an elder board to remember that their congregation is indwelled by the Holy Spirit and that as the elders instruct, they must rely upon the Holy Spirit to teach and convince their hearers of truth—in humility recognizing they could be wrong in their application of Scripture. The binding of a congregant’s conscience is a very serious thing. Laying undue burdens on the sheep was the practice of the Pharisees—who are roundly condemned by Jesus—and for which modern day cults are notorious (Luke 11:46).
Recommendations
After seeing cases like Jeanie’s over and over, I would make the following recommendations to elder boards and church leadership:
- Get trained in responding to abuse. There are a number of organizations who can provide this training including Refuge Ministries of North America—see the organization’s website in Resources.
- Receive the complaint of an abusive marriage, believing the victim.
- Recognize that investigating abuse can be dangerous to the victim—the offender may become more abusive and dangerous as he is challenged.
- And abusive individuals are often very manipulative and can confuse investigators and completely fool them.
- Help the complainant understand the Scripture’s teaching on divorce—allowed for adultery (Matt. 5:32) and desertion (1 Cor. 7:15—in principle when a spouse neglects his family or is abusive).
- Give support and permission to the reporting victim for his or her decision regarding seeking a divorce.
I do not consider these absolutes, but elder boards often are black and white in their thinking and shepherding practices whereas Scripture is not. Shepherding is difficult and takes a significant amount of wisdom.
If you are a leader in the church, please consider seeking training to be a safe place for those who are vulnerable and oppressed.