In this little missive I am going to try to relate an interesting, but understandable, phenomenon in domestic abuse experience to the workaday world.

I have heard more than once from friends of survivors that the abuser is “not as bad as my husband . . . so he’s golden!”

We can’t help but contrast and compare our experiences with other’s. We either do so to build ourselves up or show how rough we have it. Either way, one comes out smelling better than another.

Well at least he doesn’t hit her

In the domestic violence world it is common to hear, “Well at least he doesn’t hit her.” But survivors of emotional abuse will come back with, “I wish he would hit me so I would have a bruise to show for it. Then maybe others would take my suffering seriously.”

Many people fail to recognize or make clear that any form of abuse is wrong. It is hurtful to the emotional, physical, and spiritual health of the victim. The pain of bruises and the agony of broken brain circuitry are simply different . . . but all of it is destructive and evil and can create long-term trauma.

So, that brings us to another problem: the isolating of victims because people don’t understand these truths. These comparisons are used to control the victims, particularly in Christian settings where divorce is rejected on abuse grounds.

I have heard things like, “When they don’t destroy things they must be gold . . . though they yell at and demean their partner.” Friends of one woman repeatedly attacked her because her husband isn’t “as bad as their own.” They will not admit that their own husbands are abusive. That would be too hard. So the victim is pushed outside the camp because she isn’t tough enough like her detractors are.

But, as my wife has said, “You don’t have to be strangling someone to choke the life out of them.” Though he may not yell as often or demean in the same way, it is evil.

Workplace Abuse?

How does this relate to leadership in the workplace?

We see the same dynamic in the organization when fellow leaders, boards, or even co-workers suggest that the boss—

• Isn’t as bad as the last guy.
• The boss is supposed to be a strong leader.
• He may be a little rough around the edges.
• He is the founder. He can do what he wants.
• Corporate bosses are notoriously narcissistic.

All these excuses simply suggest that evil is good.

But Scripture does not take that view.

Woe to those who call evil good
and good evil,
who put darkness for light
and light for darkness,
who put bitter for sweet
and sweet for bitter!

Isaiah 5:20 (ESV)

Notice how that verse starts: “Woe”. That is a scary word that has a sense of “curse”. You do not want to be “woed”. But when you start suggesting that someone is not abusive in the home or workplace because he isn’t as bad as Hitler, you need to rethink your comparisons. You are asking for woes.

Particularly if you are being called on to give aid and comfort to a victim. And instead, you suggest their pain means nothing.