Following what became known in church history as the “Rule of Christ” (Matthew 18:15-20), Jesus goes on to tell a little story.

The Apostle Peter was one of those who heard Jesus’ challenging words about confronting a brother (sister) who has sinned against you seeking his repentance. Because the Rule of Christ is intended to lead towards restored relationship and forgiveness, Peter asks a natural question:

“Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” [verse 21]

As was typical of Pharisaical teaching, Peter likely desired a nice, clear boundary to make the fulfillment of Jesus’ exhortation doable. How many times should I forgive? Seven times? That is the good number of “perfection”. Jesus went on to answer with this helpful story:

“I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times. ²³ Therefore the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his servants. ²⁴ When he began to settle, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. ²⁵ And since he could not pay, his master ordered him to be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and payment to be made. ²⁶ So the servant fell on his knees, imploring him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.’ ²⁷ And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and forgave him the debt. ²⁸ But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii, and seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, ‘Pay what you owe.’ ²⁹ So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you.’ ³⁰ He refused and went and put him in prison until he should pay the debt. ³¹ When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their master all that had taken place. ³² Then his master summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. ³³ And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?’ ³⁴ And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers, until he should pay all his debt.” ³⁵

The story provides clear, contrasting responses to those who seek forgiveness from us. The average person is going to immediately see what Jesus is trying to make evident. The difference between what the first servant owed the king and what the second servant owed the king’s servant is nearly as radical as anything Jesus’ audience could have imagined. There was NO way the king’s servant could have repaid his debt.

The king showed incredible grace to his servant. Unimaginable grace. And yet, that king’s servant who had received so much turned around and refused to pardon (forgive) the debt of little consequence.

Jesus, after saying, “And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers, until he should pay all his debt.” ends by saying:

“So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.”

Forgiveness as a Bludgeon

Unfortunately, this story is used often as a bludgeon by those in the church against those suffering from abuse of all sorts. During and after leadership abuse, the victim is “encouraged” —maybe not so kindly—to forgive the leader and move on. “You MUST forgive him.”

I understand that forgiveness is an important part of our sanctification. When we live refusing to forgive those who sin against us, we live in continual bitterness. It is often said that the only person you are hurting by being unforgiving is yourself. Even those outside the church will suggest such things.

There are several passages that give the sense that forgiveness is something to simply be given when others sin against us. Matthew 6:14-15 suggest that if you don’t forgive others, God will not forgive you much as the passage above says. Mark 11:24, Luke 6:37, and Ephesians 4:32 say the same.

So, it is an important part of our growth.

I have come to believe—though certainly open to argument—that forgiveness can be given in two ways:

• Forgiveness is given in response to the asking of forgiveness by the antagonist. These passages can all be read in this light. Though some do not mention the antagonist seeking forgiveness, they can be read that way in context of the other Scriptures. This is a relational form of forgiveness as there is a “transaction” between the antagonist and victim.
• Forgiveness can also be given without the antagonist asking for it. This one is significantly more difficult for most of us. But it can be done if we understand the definition of forgiveness.

Mimicking Jesus

In a blog several years ago, I wrote this about mimicking the forgiveness that Jesus gives:

Those who recognize they are “sinners,” in need of Jesus’ saving work and who camp at Jesus’ doorstep to seek his forgiveness are forgiven. Those who do not consider their failures worthy of judgment are not forgiven.

According to much of Scripture on forgiveness, the one who needs forgiveness, needs to ask for forgiveness in order to receive it.

Conversely, we are not required to forgive someone if they don’t ask for it.

Relationships cannot be restored without forgiveness.

The antagonist cannot expect his relationship with his victim to be restored without his seeking forgiveness genuinely. He must truly understand his failure and express it clearly.

Without the Asking

However, forgiving others is still an important part of our own healing and so can be given without the asking.

When the antagonist doesn’t ask for it, there can be forgiveness given still. This is where Robert Burns’ perspective is particularly helpful. Again, in the other blog, I wrote:

“We need to have an attitude of forgiveness (legal) though there may never come a time when our abuser seeks our forgiveness (relational). We need to live in this ‘legal side of forgiveness‘ by making it available to our antagonist should he humble himself.”

This “legal” side of forgiveness is explained by Burns as the kind of forgiveness that Jesus makes known and available through His death on the cross. It is available to all and He willingly gives forgiveness to all who turn to Him in faith.

So too, we can give the antagonist—toxic leader—into Jesus’ hands that should he or she ever turn from his or her sin and seek forgiveness, it will be given. We release the abuser to Jesus that we no longer carry the load of hurt.

Time

This is where the church comes in.

The victim of abuse must be given freedom, agency, and the grace to reach this point of forgiveness in God’s time. It helps if when discussing forgiveness with a victim that it does not mean restored relationship with someone who refuses to genuinely seek forgiveness—and that relationship can only be restored when the abuser proves over a significant amount of time that there has been true repentance.

There are few abusive individuals who seek forgiveness genuinely. They may apologize to the victim that theirs feelings got hurt, but will rarely recognize that their own heart caused the misery. There is likely only to be “legal” forgiveness as Burns describes—a forgiveness expressed by the victim between God and himself.

Give the victim time to get there.